i dont think there was a point in my life i wasnt being groomed for something unnatural. my dad wanted me to be a prophet. my mom wanted me to be a housemaid. ive been passed hand to hand by dozens of older men who wanted me to be one thing or another. teachers in school. relatives. strangers online. not all sexual things, but weird things, mental things. i need to feel shame for this, i need to be embarrassed by that, be a good little listener, get good at therapizing. make him feel powerful just talking to me. ive always been supposed to do what im told. predict the future. pretend i dont notice my clothes are too tight. pretend i'm dumber than you. worship your point of view.ive been so used to playing harmony to someone elses melody i dont know what song i would sing if i could sing alone. i just wander looking for other peoples.
>>83686910Schizophrenia?>Muted
>>83686924i'm not schizophrenic. i think my dad might have been. i was raised to see the world that way. its not real.
>>83686926>i'm not schizophrenicK
>>83686910Pretending to be someone you're not is never going to work for you. I'd rather the entire world hate me than fake being who I am.
>>83686910My mom raised me to be her substitute husband, my dad to be his substitute dead nephew.Eventually I learned there are people not looking for a codependent and that they don't want me, I don't qualify. So I'm climbing that gradient. Some sweet day I'll be real enough for the real ones.
>>83686910Sounds like you should live independently. These are the problems of a dependent.Independent people have fewer masters telling them what to do or how to be. The wagie cage awaits or perhaps the client list, pick your poison.
>>83686910Everyone always wants something.
>>83686910The common factor seems to be you. Your fault for being so groomable
>>83686958why did you think i was
>>83686910Sounds like you should try to find your own purpose instead of using other people to feel valuable.
>>83686910Reze, don't be ashamed of your past, it turned you into who you are, I hope you now know what you want from a relationship. Perhaps a relationship of equals, or one where you're the dominant partner?
>>83687009im sorry. im sort of relieved that happened to you so its not so unique. but im sorry it happened too.
>>83687649>>83687808i dont know how to want things on my own yet. i love distractions that take me out of myself. my sister raised me to be creative so im creative. but im not an island, im a rowboat. i need to dock somewhere to be on land. emotionally.
>>83688093You can be that for each other in a relationship of equals. You dock on him and he docks on you.
>>83686910Yeah so you had an unbelievably shitty childhood and your sense of self was aborted me too...Just stop thinking about it just keep on doing what you do, a sense of self is superfluous anyways if you keep on yearning for something that you never had and will never have you will go insane
>>83688080I like singing Fiona Apple's songs, they double as voice exercises for me. Like "Paper Bag"...Thanks nona. The hard part part for me is feeling like none of the people I like may ever want to be as family to me. I'm a mean cook, but eating alone every day is just so, so boring.Hope you figure out how to turn things around all the way.
>>83686910>pretend i don't notice my clothes are too tightDid I hurt you? I'm sorry. Again.
