>>84309838
Hi
I have been doing better.
I have had some bad nightmares recently.

i feel bad but id feel better if you recorded yourself getting sexual with it industrial style

>>84309838
I just want to become more productive, because I know i've been holding myself back.
If I don't put in the work, I'll never get to experience the things I actually want in life.

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>>84309838
I'm trying to force myself to go out more but I'm too autistic to try anything I haven't done before.
I'm not a total hikikomori anymore though I still feel like one which is what bugs me most of all.

Oh hey hu tao anon, glad to see you back.

>>84309838
Anoooon! You're back!! I'm so glad. I missed these threads so much, thank you for making one again. It sucks that this is (I assume) just a one-off. I guess I just have to try to enjoy it as much as possible while it lasts then!

>how are you? whats been troubling you lately?
Doing pretty okay today actually since I had this and perhaps Wilds (how are you liking it so far BTW?) to look forward to. It really helps a lot to have something to look forward to it seems, without that things just seem bleak and hopeless. I wasn't doing so well on Saturday and Sunday though because I slept a ton again and it totally ruined my mood for two whole days. I think it might be the meds that make lying in bed feel so good because when I wasn't on them I didn't have trouble with it. Gotta try not to do that again I guess. These meds really seem no better than my last ones though, they just don't make much of a difference at all. I think they might even be making things worse because the occasional highs I used to have are not as high as they used to be, maybe. Not sure where to go from here...guess I'll probably just have to keep trying different ones until something works but it seems like it's going to take forever at this rate.

Another thing that's been troubling me is that my parents may or may not have found out that I have a job now ughhhh. Last week I did my taxes and I think I accidentally made some mistake and I'm guessing my dad got a notice from the freaking IRS because of it, because he texted me and asked me if I did my taxes for last year or not. The timing was such that it couldn't have just been a coincidence either. He didn't ask me if I had a job or anything else really but still he must have connected the dots at this point because why would I have done taxes if I didn't have a job? Fuck. So that ruined my mood for like the following three days.

Cont.

Cont.

>>84310004
>>84309838
I've sort of recovered since then but now I'm not sure what I'll do come the end of the month. I was planning on starting to pay for all the bills and stuff and let them figure out that I have a job like that, but now it feels awkward to do it like that for some reason. But I don't have any other plan so I guess I'll just have to do it anyway? Not sure what to do about my mom either. I really don't want her to ask me all sorts of questions about the job, but she is guaranteed to do that if she finds out I have one. I am thinking of not letting her visit me anymore because then at least I'd only have to fend her questions off over text which would be a lot easier, but I dunno if she'll accept not being able to visit me anymore... and it does seem a bit mean to shut her out like that when she hasn't really done anything wrong (at least not yet). Ughhhh. What a mess.

>do your best to be happy
I don't think I'm doing my best desu... I don't really know what to try anymore to be happy I guess. Nothing seems to work anymore. Have you been doing your best to be happy?

Sorry this post turned out so depressing... I guess even though I don't feel too bad today I haven't been doing so good lately in general so I don't have much positive stuff to talk about. How have you been doing lately Anon? I saw you made a thread on Wednesday but I missed it... I guess you still feel bad enough to want to shout into the void sometimes. But I hope overall you're doing better than you used to be at least. Is there anything you'd like to talk about? Surprisingly even though we haven't spoken in a thread like this in ages I don't have much to say it seems, other than the inane whining above.

Also random question but are you still reading that book you started a long time ago? Or did you give up on it by now?

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>>84309844
hi. what have the nightmares been about? nice that you're doing better though.
>>84309852
...what do you mean with "industrial style"?
>>84309911
it is a good objective to have, so i hope you can find a way to unlock your potential desu. put yourself in situations that force you to use some skills you want to improve in. be it social, or practical, or whatever. even if that situation really sucks in the moment it will help you be better. it worked for me.
>>84309942
it is good to go outside, and you're doing a great job at forcing yourself to do things you're uncomfortable doing! its not easy. try to find a place you like going back to, it will help with motivating you to go out. could be a park, a shop, anything.
>>84309971
hello anon! nice to see you too.

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>>84310004
>just don't make much of a difference at all
it could be that you just have a tolerance for all those kind of meds now so they dont really work anymore. it is what it is i guess, you gotta try and do things without them and see how it goes. i might have to change my sleep meds soon too i think. also wilds is fun.
>may not have found out that I have a job
wellll maybe they'll tell you they're proud of you so it might not be that bad after all. i still dont really get why you care so much.
>sorts of questions about the job
if she does that you can just answer with one liners and hope that she wont be too annoying about it, and dont just avoid the problem, it makes everything worse.
>Have you been doing your best
i uh, i guess so. i think i am. i do think you could be doing better also.
>book
i am, i had to pause it cause i read a different one instead. im gonna start again soon.

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You know what?

I will take it easy.

Romance and sex are ridiculous vestigial desires from our monkey brains.

>>84310298
I have had a similar type of recurring dream since I was a child about various things biting my fingers off.
It gets especially bad because I had the tip of one of my fingers bitten off when I was little
So each time I have the dream feels kinda real.
I usually wake up scared.
One time the thing biting off my fingers was one of my brothers
They have been occurring more frequently recently

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>>84310327
facts my brother. spit your shit indeed!
>>84310337
>I had the tip of one of my fingers bitten off
by what? i guess it makes sense your nightmares include that too, it mustve been pretty traumatic. hopefully your brothers are not ravenous beasts hungry for your fingers like your dreams want you to believe.

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I wish i could take it easy but i can't

>>84310317
>tolerance for all those kind of meds
Quite possible, this is the same type of medication after all. Hopefully there's some other types I can still try at least...

>do things without them
That sure is hard... I seem to rather prefer to stare off into space and do nothing most of the time.

>change my sleep meds
Did you develop a tolerance to them as well? Is it taking you longer to fall asleep now? You seem to be going to bed pretty early though still. Although I guess some of that is because daylight savings time changed over or whatever I guess.

>wilds is fun
Sure seems to be! I really like how satisfying the swords are, the animations are very punchy. And the story and characters seem good as well so far. Do you have a favorite character yet? And which weapon did you choose? I'm guessing the really big sword?

>dont really get why you care so much
I don't get it either to be honest... I just am the way I am. It's kind of how you don't like talking about yourself much, I am the same way but it's limited to only my parents it seems. I don't want them to know anything about me. Even if they tell me they're proud of me that would just feel awful to be honest.

>answer with one liners
That's about what I'm going to have to do I guess. Or just answer "I don't know" to everything. But ugh it's going to feel so awful. My mood will be shit for a whole week I bet. I'll try to do it later this month when the bill for the apartment comes in I guess...

>i think i am
That's good to hear. What do you think I could be doing better though? I feel like I'm just not trying hard enough but I don't know how to try harder either.

>read a different one
Oh no way, you actually finished a whole other book!? What was it and how did you like it? And wow, good job on doing that even without meds!

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>>84310568
when there is a will there is a way
>>84310623
>rather prefer to stare off into space and do nothing most of the time
then i guess you already know what the problem is. there is no medication, therapy or doctor on this world that can save you, they can only give a hand. you have to do the rest of the work yourself and actually do want to get better.
>taking you longer to fall asleep now?
no, but the main issue was (is) that i dont feel rested when i wake up even now that i have a decent sleep schedule.
>the animations are very punchy
they did up their game on the animation department i must agree. on the contrary i think the hud and uid looks like crap compared to older titles.
>character
eh not really. i guess alma is cute. and yes i chose the really big sword. and the charged one too, they're the weapons ive always used in every other game aswell
>that would just feel awful to be honest
truly a shame
>it's going to feel so awful
why? if you answer that way then they're not going to know anything.
>What do you think I could be doing better
ive already told you a billion times what to do anon. its not that you dont know, you just dont want to.
>What was it
a collection of poems by an italian author from the 1900s. it was a bit boring but some poetries i've read are really relatable and i liked them a lot.

>>84310748
>you have to do the rest of the work yourself and actually do want to get better.
Do I even want to get better? I'm not even sure myself. I clearly am dissatisfied with how things are but sometimes I seem to be content just doing nothing and taking it easy. I hate how it feels like there isn't just a single "me" but many different mes all pulling me in different directions. It makes it really hard to commit to anything. Also, when you say "work" what do you mean by that? What is "work" in this case? As far as I understand it it's just "trying" right? That to me just feels like hitting your head against the wall harder and harder... that's why I keep looking for some other solution but I guess there is none.

>no
Oh, so what's changed then, if anything? Or are you just fed up with feeling tired constantly and want to try some other meds? I'm not sure they will make any difference though, if your sleep isn't restful it doesn't seem to me like it would matter by which means you get to sleep. Hopefully I'm wrong though and there's something that can fix your tiredness, it's not fun living like that I imagine. For me I can't function when I'm even a bit tired, I need that caffeine in my system otherwise I don't even have the energy to sit.

>hud and uid looks like crap
Really? It looks pretty good to me... I guess I don't have anything to compare to though. I also like the shiny particle effect the cursor leaves behind. But jeez, there are SO many options in this game, the menus are really convoluted... and there's so many controls for every situation under the sun. Just give me one button to mash dammit.

>not really
Huh, I really like all the characters so far, granted I barely know them but they seem cool at least. I think Olivia is my favorite, she seems really badass. I like Alma too. And heh I figured you chose the big sword, it is pretty satisfying in this game I must say, but I went with the dual blades and so far I don't regret it.

Cont.

Cont.

>>84310748
>why?
Because just being around my mom normally already feels awful, let alone when she's interrogating me. It helps to answer evasively and stuff but it doesn't change how awful the situation itself feels. I mean, when my dad texted me about the taxes I felt so ashamed, it affected me for like three days even though it was just a couple text messages that took all of 10 seconds to reply to. I don't know how my brain manages to blow things out of proportion so much but it does somehow and it's not fun.

>billion times what to do
Oh, so I guess you mean I should just be forcing myself to do things more? I guess you did tell me that a billion times already, true... sigh, sorry I keep asking for advice and then not taking it. I really wonder if I can ever get better at forcing myself to do things. It feels like I'm just not cut out for it but perhaps I'm being defeatist.

>poems
Oh, interesting. What caught your attention about it so much that you read it before even the other book? I guess you do like poems but why this book specifically? It does sound like something that's easier to read than a "normal" book at least, since you can just do one poem at a time. Also you read it in Italian right? It's nice practice if so, since you probably don't get to read much in Italian these days.

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>>84309838
I feel so stuck in the past, like I'll never get over it. I wish I could hate you

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>>84310979
>I seem to be content just doing nothing
indeed, which is what i was talking about before. we should strive for more than feeling "eh" all the time. instead most people just settle for how things are. and things are bad, but we just dont care enough to change them.
>what do you mean by that?
actually follow the advice others give you instead of just saying "ill do it eventually". yes it might just be hitting your head on the wall repeatedly but if you never try then you'll do nothing but stare at that wall for the rest of your life instead.
>so what's changed then
it doesnt take ages for me to fall asleep anymore, at least i think.if i get stronger meds maybe ill be able to sleep more deeply and wake up rested. who knows.
>Just give me one button to mash
giant sword and double swords are basically that. i guess lance too if you dont like having fun.
>it does somehow and it's not fun
ive felt similarly in some other situations and i gues there's nothing to do really other than do the thing asap so that its done and you dont have to worry about it anymore.
>but perhaps I'm being defeatist
yes, you are!
>What caught your attention
it was recommended to me by someone else, and i guess i was in the right mood to read a book like that. it was also good practice for italian yes.
>>84311011
indifference is better than hate so you should strive for that instead

>>84311147
>indifference is better than hate so you should strive for that instead
I'm not so sure I can. When she's sad I want to cheer her up, when she's happy I want to make her miserable

>>84311147
>we should strive for more
Mmm.. I suppose so. It sounds like a good idea at least. Hard to justify though... it rarely feels worth it to strive for anything in this life. Often times it feels like trying just gets you worse results than not doing anything at all. It's like the world notices you striving for more and just says "Nope, you don't deserve to have that, and fuck you for ever thinking you do". Where do you get the drive to fight against all this crap? I don't have a good enough reason for it I think.

>follow the advice
I do try to desu, despite always feeling hopeless about it. I wish I could be a robot who can just do whatever it's told, but sadly I usually fail to keep going with it eventually and revert back to doing whatever I normally do. Do you think that's just an excuse? If I tried harder could I stick with it? It feels like I can't but maybe I'm simply giving in to the weakness.

>sleep more deeply
Ah, well that does actually sound like it might work, so perhaps it's worth a try. Have you told your doctor about this stuff already? Do you think they'll give you something stronger?

>swords are basically that
Good in that case. But I mean more the other stuff the game makes you do, like sorting pouches and item boxes, having to sharpen your blade, getting on and off your Seikret, etc, it's so complicated for my puny little brain I could barely keep up with the tutorial lol. I am so bad at games it's embarrassing...

>do the thing asap
That makes sense logically, but my natural inclination is instead to delay the thing as much as possible... I really love to prolong the suffering for myself it seems. God brains are so dumb. In any case I have to wait for now because the bill for the apartment for this month isn't available to pay yet but hopefully I don't delay this for too long.

>yes, you are!
Okej... I will just believe you on that.

>recommended
Ah, I see. Recs are nice motivation, no wonder you were able to read the whole thing.

I don't know what to do with my life. Like what is the point I guess. I have a job and live comfortably enough, all of my needs are met, I have hobbies and can afford my entertainment. But I don't really have any long term goals. I have some great online friends, I do not want a relationship (I do not trust women), and I don't want children. Feels like all I have left to look forward to is a new game, tv show, movie, gunpla model, etc to look forward to in life. I considered adopting a pet to give myself something to take care of, but I'm not too sure. I feel like I'm just barely taking care of myself (not money wise, just care wise) that I don't know if I can actually give a pet what they need. I guess I have hit that point where I've experienced everything I needed to experience and now I'm just coasting until death? Feels depressing I guess. I've lived my life since childhood in that "just make it to next week/month/year." but I'm no longer really struggling so I'm not sure what to do. There is a part of me that wants to spend all of my savings on something extravagant so I can put myself back in the mindset of "we are not safe, we must increase our savings." to at least give myself a goal.

Welcome back taonon

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>>84311253
that is quite the predicament. if you do want to make her miserable i think you already hate her though.
>>84311363
>rarely feels worth it to strive for anything in this life
who cares. life is worthless and so are you. in a few hundred years nobody will remember you and nothing you have done will matter. so why care if something is "worth" it? nothing is. we invented the concept of "worth". stop asking yourself if something is worth your time or not, and just do it. the world does not care whether you are trying your hardest or doing nothing at all.
>Do you think that's just an excuse?
yes. doing something once or twice and then giving up when it doesnt instantly work isn't trying
>Have you told your doctor about this stuff
yes. he told me to ask the doctors at the mental health center i go to to give me more potent stuff. i doubt they will but whatevs.
>like sorting pouches and item boxes
compared to older games its stupidly harder to do basic things, and that is why i was complaining about the ui. just modern gaming bullshit that we sadly have to deal with.
>>84311615
>I've lived my life since childhood in that "just make it to next week/month/year."
then you haven't lived, but rather survived this entire time. that part of you wanting to spend everything might not be wrong, but rather than spending money on possessions, spend it on experiences. travels, restaurants, do unique things that you'll remember. i think thats how living is supposed to be ideally. i also believe doing those things with someone else greatly increases the enjoyment.
>>84311712
hi. its nice to talk with anons again. dont expect me to make threads regularly again though, i still dont think i should be making them. today i just felt differently for a bit

>>84309838
Tfw no gf, classic. 30 and feel like I am running out of time. Also am moving back to my home country which is at war so that's fun. I cannot just not go, life sort of turned in that direction. My dickhead is also not as sensitieve as it is supposed to be so I get less pleasure from sex. Hope you are doing okay OP.

Hello, Taonon, I missed your threads.
Hope you're doing good.

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>>84311818
>that is quite the predicament
Neither option would fulfill me. I just have to sit there with my feelings and pray they'll pass

>if you do want to make her miserable i think you already hate her though
I felt like I kicked a puppy anytime I made her sad. I gave her so much grace, while I knew she was just using me

There is much work to be done. All of it in service of everyone, everywhere, one day
Taking It Easy

Until then...

>>84311818
>nothing you have done will matter. so why care if something is "worth" it?
Well things still matter to me, no? I don't care that no one will remember me a hundred years from now, but I do care if something makes me feel good or bad. That's something very palpable and hard to ignore. Things that take a lot of effort and don't even make me feel good in the end are hard to judge as worth it because of this. On the other hand things that don't take much effort but give me a sense of fulfillment do feel worth it. There just aren't very many such things... I don't know, am I off base here on all of this? Is entirely the wrong way to think about things? It seems to me you talk about more objective sort of worth, which, yes, nothing is worth it in an objective sense. But subjectively I believe there are very much things that are worth it and not worth it, am I wrong?

>stop asking yourself if something is worth your time or not, and just do it.
Now this is a magical mentality that I am really not sure how to achieve. How can you just do something without any justification? I don't know why I need a justification, but I can't imagine doing something without it. I mean, sometimes I am able to do that. But it's like pulling teeth. Feels like every fiber of my being fights against doing something just to do it.

>doing something once or twice and then giving up
Well how do I not give up? It's not like I'm choosing to give up, it just happens to me. Like if you try to hold your breath indefinitely, eventually you will pass out and take a breath involuntarily anyway. That's how it feels to me.

Cont.

Cont.

>>84311818
>>84312040
>doctors at the mental health center
Huh interesting, I wouldn't think they'd be the ones to prescribe sleeping pills. Well hopefully they do give you something. It's too bad you still didn't get any blood tests done or anything though, I still think that would have been a good idea in case it's something simple like a deficiency causing your tiredness.

>stupidly harder to do basic things
Oh, well, in that case I agree the UI does suck. It's pretty, but not very functional. I'm surprised you agree though, you seem to be pretty good at navigating all this modern gaming bullshit, so I thought you either didn't mind it or even enjoyed it. Glad to know that we agree though because I find it rather incomprehensible why anyone would enjoy this stuff.

Also I am finally home now so we could play Wilds if you want to, although I see you're playing something else now so I guess not? Maybe later today? Took me forever to get home today because the bus was late for some reason and then I had to spend half an hour chasing a giant bug that somehow got inside my home with a vacuum cleaner. Stupid thing gave me so much stress arghhh I hate bugs so much they should all die a painful death.

my day always gets better whenever i see the tao <3

be kinda cool to die by kinetic bombardment by dragon dildo with my legs spread wide to the sssskkkkiiiieeeeessss

totally unrelated but has anyone found any good doujin generator AIs? the cartoon comic ones are ok for new content of existing media but for some reason they fuck up OC the most and especially NSFW models

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>>84309838
>hi, anon
hello. long time no see
i hope you are doing well. a couple of people have probably asked you this ITT already but how are you doing?
>whats been troubling you lately?
i am a little uncertain about the future but talking with somebody else just made me realized that while i gained a lot of new stuff and are sort of "high" right now i also lost a lot of qualities. So im sort of mellow right now.
>you dont have to prove anything to anyone
i have been very influenced by what people say about me recently. its what drives most change and sort of makes me happy but sad at the same time
>you can do it!
i guess i am. stuff is happening that i could't have imagined months or even weeks back but everything just feels "normal" somehow

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>>84311818
>hi. its nice to talk with anons again. dont expect me to make threads regularly again though, i still dont think i should be making them. today i just felt differently for a bit
I never posted in your threads frequently, mostly just lurked i was just glad to see you after a long time
To contribute to the thread a little at least tomorrow im going to a psychiatrist for the first time hoping to get something prescribed. I doubt youd remember cus the last time i came here to cry was probably around new year but i never got over my boyfriend leaving me (in fact its only got worse) and drank myself into a fatty liver disease diagnosis last week so thats all fun but hopefully having meds can do something for me
I hope you start doing better soon

https://brr.fyi/posts/south-pole-water-infrastructure
Cool read.

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>>84311824
>Tfw no gf
rough. gets harder with time but i dont think its impossible for you anon. also uh, i hope dont get bombed when you move back to your house. also sorry about your peepee.
>>84311845
hi. i didnt think this many anons would remember me but i guess its nice. im doing good, thank you. i hope you're alright too desu.
>>84311976
will the work ever end i wonder?
>>84312040
>am I wrong?
hell if i know. maybe im just crazy.
>How can you just do something without any justification
i say "who fucking cares" out loud and i just do it, uncaring about the consequences of my actions, knowing they dont matter
>how do I not give up?
grow a pair? i dont know what else to say really. you'll be numb eventually if you keep trying and that'll make you not care if you pass out or not.
>you still didn't get any blood tests done
ill be taking some soon-ish. i still dont think they'll matter at all but whatever
>be pretty good at navigating
i am, but that doesnt mean i enjoy it. 90% of the ui and huds of newer games are garbage and i hate them. thank god modding exists.
>chasing a giant bug
how giant are we talking? also i dunno, perhaps in a while ill play more but i might just go to bed instead im kinda tired.

>>84312045
you flatter me desu.
>>84312052
truly heartfelt and touching lyrics
>>84312059
if you're gonna jerk off at least dont do it using ai. have some standards anon jesus.
>>84312074
hi anone. im doing good, thank you.
>a little uncertain about the future
who isn't at this point... what is this new stuff you gained? relationships? progress on who you want to be? its nice you can recognize progress though. not everyone can (me)
>very influenced by what people say about me
sadly i am that way too. it sucks. i wish i could just live for myself instead.
>stuff is happening that i could't have imagined months or even weeks back
mhm. funny. same thing is happening to me. i cant say it feels normal though. i still feel like its not real.
>>84312197
>I doubt youd remember
unfortunately (or fortunately) for you, i do remember you anon. sorry to hear you're still struggling with that heartbreak you suffered. these kind of things take a long time to heal, and i hope you do get the help you need. please try not to drink yourself to death in the meantime, okay?
ive been doing good lately, so im sure everyone else here can be better too.

>>84309838
please marry me and have children with me. please.

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>>84312290
i forgot my tao. how shameful of me.
>>84312293
sorry but no thanks desu.

>>84312290
Thanks for the kind words
>please try not to drink yourself to death in the meantime, okay?
I cut it down probably by a good 80% but i still struggle with falling asleep for hours and have ended up resorting to vodka again when that happens. Its been rough i hope i can be given something that will help on that front among everything else but otherwise i guess it is what it is. I still talk to him (much to his dismay unfortunately) and im just praying i can make things somewhat better someday

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>>84312197
good luck with the psychiatrist. i found them and meds helped, therapy not so much. cooked my insides a similar way, a similar reason. it sucks, and nobody deserves to belong in such a place.

>>84312278
>maybe im just crazy.
Well if you are then you're the good sort of crazy. You actually interpret nihilism in the right way, and take it to mean that you can do whatever you want since nothing matters anyway. Just how Nietzsche intended it. Me, I can't help but think that if nothing matters then there's no reason to do anything.

> "who fucking cares" out loud
Maybe I should try that, it might just work. I'm sure it won't but I'll try it anyway I suppose.

>grow a pair?
lole... I do think that would be rather helpful if I had one! But the point about becoming numb to it eventually is helpful. Perhaps that's what I need to achieve. I do think I've been becoming more numb as the years have gone by already. Hopefully with enough banging my head against the wall it will become numb to the pain...

>ill be taking some soon-ish.
Oh! That's great news! I do think as well that it probably won't matter but it's definitely good to rule it out. How did this situation come about? Did your doctor suggest it after all?

>i am, but that doesnt mean i enjoy it.
Makes sense, there are a lot of things like that where being good at them does not make you actually enjoy them. And right, I forgot you use HUD mods and stuff. As much as mods are usually a mess I can't help but see the usefulness for things like this.

>how giant are we talking?
Uhhh giant if you are very very afraid of bugs, I suppose. I would say it was about 4cm long and 1cm wide which to me is ginormous but I guess in retrospect it's not that big all things considered.

>perhaps in a while ill play more
Hopefully desu. Also how does the multiplayer work in these games anyway? Can you just do random missions or what?? Does it matter if I'm way behind you in the story progression? I guess maybe I'll play on my own for now.

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>>84312474
"upside" on my end is it not being irreparable assuming i can stay away from drinking which was what kind of pushed me to try to get medicated but even after that im packing two vodka bottles as im getting ready to go away from home for a month and telling myself ill only open them if its an "emergency"
Shit is really not fucking funny i wouldnt wish it upon anyone

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>>84312290
>im doing good
that's very nice to hear :>
>relationships? progress on who you want to be?
both things, yeah. Its mostly online but i met some people that are not just ready to go though a lot of effort, but actually did so, to help me get to a better state than i was before. IRL people sort of wish me the best and kinda like me over here at the ward which is also rlly motivating. Used to avoid everything "Outside" so seeing this understanding is nice.
There is progress in terms of who i am and "career" also. I still couldn't shake my worst issues however and despite the ward stay coming to an end soon i couldn't loose a word about a thing that might have even bigger more influence over my metal state than everything else. Been this way ever since i was a child and it looks like i can never do that besides to some few online people. Masking about it even on here..
>its nice you can recognize progress though
doesn't feel like it though. i always feel "normal",things are always "the same", but when i manage to remember how it used to be i see that its different. yeah its sort of better than before but i dunno.
>it sucks. i wish i could just live for myself instead.
living for yourself would probably be the best but as long the people around me wanna see me sorta happy i don't care. I thought that i were dead by now a couple of years ago. A fickle source of motivation it definitely is though.
>i cant say it feels normal though. i still feel like its not real.
absolutely the same over here. things are so different and i should be happy about it but its not really that way. i am sorta happy but that is for the wrong reasons probably. or maybe that is just my head trying to keep me down again haha

>>84312561
also i dunno if its really your kinda music but this thing has been tormenting me and my headphones all day https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoqiwuMMOEU
damn i love DJ Smokey and his collabs

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>>84312452
>i still struggle with falling asleep for hours
have you asked for sleeping meds? they helped me with falling asleep. i couldnt mostly because of all the bad thoughts preventing me from doing so and if its the same for you then it might help. im pretty sure your basic doctor can prescribe you those too, it doesnt need to be a psychiatrist. also you're dumb for still talking to the guy. i dont get it really. almost every person i've met so far that has been heartbroken by someone just can't stop talking with them. why do this to yourself?
>>84312474
a wild mayumi appears! i will pray for your liver for the occasion.
>>84312486
>nothing matters then there's no reason to do anything
well i have my moments where i go back to thinking that way too, but eventually i think every nihilist either kills themselves or comes to the conclusion that they can do whatever they want instead. i hope you can be the second type.
>enough banging my head against the wall it will become numb to the pain...
thats the plan, thats what worked for me. not without its drawbacks of course.
>Did your doctor suggest it
yes. he told me to ask the doctors at the mental health center for a stronger medicine or something different too.
>4cm long and 1cm wide
well that is quite a big bug and i'd probably be terrified if i saw it any close to me. do you guys got huge bugs where you live? or is it abnormal?

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>>84312561
>help me get to a better state
mhm, thats nice desu. you deserve to be cared about anon. i hope they'll stick with you for a while. if you can find them irl then that is even better desu.
>i couldn't loose a word about a thing
uh huh. anon got a girlfriend/boyfriend huh? its fine, you can say so, im not going to hate you or anything. ill be happy for you if thats the case.
>i always feel "normal",things are always "the same"
i get what you mean, as i feel the same too. i dont know what we're supposed to feel, but hopefully one day we'll be able to feel it correctly.
>as long the people around me
you see, thats the issue though. you and I are both highly dependant on other people. you could be on top of the world now because they like you, and you could be in hell the next day because they said something that made you feel bad. i dont want to be this way. it makes me anxious all the time, it makes me feel vulnerable and i hate it. i wish i could like myself and i wish it could be enough to be happy.
>sorta happy but that is for the wrong reasons
mhm. why are they wrong?
>song
definetely not my kind of jam, altough today i also found a song that ive been listening to on repeat for hours on end:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_C6p_Hn_O0

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>>84312550
>"upside" on my end is it not being irreparable
i needed to stop years ago for it to be repaired. now it's at a state of, i need to stop to let it stabilize. then i relapsed anyway because i realize the futility of it. tastes like regret, but it's the only escape i feel i have left when my head compresses and folds inwards on itself.

i saw an anime pv of someone holding hands and lost it.

>getting ready to go away from home for a month and telling myself ill only open them if its an "emergency"
it's easier to say no at the supermarket than it is to say no at the pantry. to which i'm saying, don't pack them. make it annoying and troublesome for you to get your hands on the stuff. an inconvenience, yknow? it's why i try to never have any laying around. i hope your trip goes well. how far from home is it?

>Shit is really not fucking funny i wouldnt wish it upon anyone
neither, never. there's nothing romantic about it. it's a desperate place to be, stealing from your own future to try pay for today.

>>84312622
>a wild mayumi appears! i will pray for your liver for the occasion.
i'm always lurking, silly. i pray you get the drops you want in any game and that the sun shines just enough to warm your skin but not so much to blind your eyes.

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>>84312622
Ive only used melatonin for a while and it worked well until it got this bad. Im no longer eligible for health insurance here so i cant really pay for minimal doctors visits like that which is depressing lol so ive been tanking it with alcohol like a moron and now i pay the price a hundredfold i suppose
>also you're dumb for still talking to the guy. i dont get it really.
Some foolish hope combined with genuine inability to describe how bad the mind break is. You'd think a person afflicying you with themselves this much would treat you responsibly and they only let themselves do what they're doing because they're trustworthy until they show they arent in the most brutal way possible

>>84312311
why are you so mean to me? why do you hate me so much?

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>>84312704
thanks, mayumi. you're basically like my guardian angel! at least thats what i imagine. no pressure though. have a virtual *hug*
>>84312716
>melatonin
yeah ive used it too and it loses effect after like a month or two.
>insurance
i forgot you guys have to deal with that too over there. really sad, indeed... im sure you could've paid a visit with all the money you spent on alcohol though. so try to keep that in mind.
>inability to describe how bad the mind break is
i guess, i can imagine why someone wouldnt be able to leave, but not having it felt on my skin i cant really say i fully get it. i hope you can set yourself free from the chains anone. honestly, im pretty sure i'll end up in your same exact situation in a few years. but we'll see.
>>84312722
i dont hate you personally, im just not keen on having kids with random people online yknow?

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>>84312704
>but it's the only escape i feel i have left when my head compresses and folds inwards on itself.
Do the meds not help you enough that you had to relapse? I dont understand how life can be this miserable and how human beings can know what others are going through and act ignorant or helpless sometimes. I want to say im sorry we're going through a similar life experience but yours seems much more further advanced it doesnt feel right. I guess this is where the path im on leads if i fail in changing anything
>i saw an anime pv of someone holding hands and lost it.
I feel that so much haha. Twice a day theres a minute long window where if i accidentally check the clock i begin to break down because i remember how good it once was.
>to which i'm saying, don't pack them.
I know your advice is good and correct, but unfortunately ill have access to alcohol where im going either way and ill be with my family so id rather just drink in private than show to them how much of a fuck up alcoholic i became at my age

>neither, never. there's nothing romantic about it. it's a desperate place to be, stealing from your own future to try pay for today.
There was really no need to make me tear up with that phrasing anon...
>>84312794
Yea melatonin is pretty shit compared to something like alcohol. I used my family's money to pay for all of it (lmao) because in my mind its easier to just smuggle it into my cart when im getting groceries and my savings were spent on other things before all this happened
>honestly, im pretty sure i'll end up in your same exact situation in a few years
I hope to god you do not, please stay safe and just be careful how much youre willing to let someone else intertwine their existence with yours because from what i can tell from my example it can be a lot more one sided than imagined

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>>84312630
>i hope they'll stick with you for a while
i feel like i am pushing them away though. Most people talk to you less yeah, especially since talking to a wreck that has nothing going on at all is sort of boring, but i feel like i am insulting one of those people by not trusting them enough.
Im very autistic about preserving my anonymity for some reason despite us going way past that point in terms of trust that i just feel like an asshole. That's "just" one person though but they were one of those that wen't though the effort of helping me.
>if you can find them irl then that is even better desu.
there is somebody i met online what was ready to help me out IRL actually. We sorta live close but i met them online and not IRL so its not the same i guess.
I don't even know how to make friends IRL haha. Even here at the ward i can't stay by anybodies side for too long. There are some really really nice people and we are pretty friendly with each other i guess but when they inevitably leave the ward i don't seek or accept contact afterwards. I just don't know how that works. My roommate who is my friend i guess left us pretty quick and while another friend here cried about that it felt like nothing changed. The friend then asked me if i wanted my roomies number a couple of times but i declined every time. I.. don't know what to do with it.
>anon got a girlfriend/boyfriend huh?
ha ha if it were a simple thing like that. It makes a lot of people upset and even "allies" don't quite get it so i keep it to myself for the most part. It really should have been addressed in a professional setting a decade ago but so strong is the "keeping to myself" part that that will probably never happen.
[1/2]

>>84312866

>but hopefully one day we'll be able to feel it correctly.
is there even a thing as "correct" in this? [cut down a lot of yapping] i fell like just accepting that life will never "proper" and going along with it for as long is possible is a better hope or even goal.
>it makes me feel vulnerable and i hate it
maybe that is sort of why i got so unattached to people? every up has a down and i have been sorta lovebombed for the past few months so in preparation my head is doing that sorta stuff to prevent a possible crashout?
>i wish i could like myself and i wish it could be enough to be happy.
i wish you the best with that. growing out of this would be really good and would further oneself a lot. i believe in you anon like i say in every thread i feel like
>why are they wrong?
ah no need to get in depth about the actual thing but a secondary issue would be that i guess i sort of got addicted to people.. calling me cute.. and stuff and what i am willing to do to be called that escalates very quickly right now. It kinda makes me happy that people somehow feel like i'm worthy of that sorta praise but at the same time this is sort of degen..
unexpected i guess..
couldn't keep my promise about dc it seems
>song
i think i already said that i am not too much of a vocaloid person but that is rlly good actually. thanks, you just made another person in the world listen to it on repeat.
[2/2]

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>>84312861
>smuggle it into my cart when im getting groceries
oh well usually i only buy 1 dollar beers or whatever cheap garbage i can find so my mom hardly notices. though at least me living in poverty has helped in not getting addicted since i can simply not afford to drink too much.
even if i'd like to sometimes.
>how much youre willing to let someone else intertwine
sadly, i was never good at caring for myself, and i dont think thats ever going to change. i know how much im putting to risk and i dont really care. what else is there to live for if not those kind of connections? if they have to be the death of me aswell, then so be it.
>>84312866
>by not trusting them enough
i find it really hard to trust people in general, it also makes me feel like an asshole. but what can you do, its just how we're wired. if they really care about you then i think they understand this too.
>I just don't know how that works
there aren't specific rules to follow, i think as long as you do what you think is right then its gonna be fine. most people dont really know what they're doing either anon. also, if someone offers you their number, you should try accepting and sending them a message, dummy.
>is there even a thing as "correct" in this?
objectively, no. everyone feels things differently. there's just a majority that feels stuff kind of all the same and a minority that doesnt. we're the minority.
>why i got so unattached to people
most definitely is, yes. it is the reason why i have been keeping my distance from everyone. i am scared shitless of getting attached to people and im scared of others getting attached to me.
>i believe in you anon
thank you, desu. i wish i could believe in myself aswell.
>i sort of got addicted to people.. calling me cute
uh huh... i see. keep your head off the clouds if you can. this kind of stuff gets out of hand easily. and surely doesnt help with not being dependant on others.

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>>84312973
>if they really care about you then i think they understand this too.
they do.. and work around it while they are helping me out with no benefit to their own.
but it only makes me feel worse somehow. They are on this level of friendliness and then i am still so cold for no reason..
>i think as long as you do what you think is right then its gonna be fine
i really don't even know what i wanna do with most people to be desu.
there are like two people around here that i can talk about nerdy stuff in depth and with all others im am more of a curiosity i guess. but even with the ppl i sorta get along on a deeper level i don't wanna do much. after all i am here on my laptop instead of out there with them you kno
>you should try accepting and sending them a message, dummy.
as stupid as that sounds my head just doesn't cooperate. dunno what i should say and don't really feel a need to do so either. head kinda turns off with these things
>most definitely is, yes
if it is then its a subconscious thing. i don't think about it or am scared about that at all to be honest. maybe its just me being an autistic longer instead.
>i wish i could believe in myself aswell.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2iamQpB7Dw
>keep your head off the clouds if you can.
yeah i am having a sort of epiphany about this sorta stuff for around a day or so now. in all previous cases when people added me they didn't know about that side of me at all and just wanted to talk about hobbies or whatever. but now people are adding me just for that sorta thing and that sorta feels very wrong. why even bother with this stuff its getting so half-hearted right?

>>84312622
>kills themselves or comes to the conclusion that they can do whatever they want instead. i hope you can be the second type.
I hope I can be the second type too... But for now it seems I'm eternally undecided and stuck between these types. A fence sitter through and through.

>thats the plan
I guess that's the plan then, not like it would be any different even if it weren't the plan. I'm not committed to giving up either after all, so I'm just kinda stuck having to keep trying. Hopefully something good comes of it and I don't just get progressively more and more exhausted.

>yes.
Well finally doctors are doing their job. Do tell me how it goes and what they find in your blood! Hopefully it's lots of good things and no bad things.

>quite a big bug
I'm glad you agree fellow bug hater. We do have relatively big bugs here, not as big as the ones in Australia perhaps but bigger than average I think. There's tons of these ones outside around this time of the year unfortunately and sometimes they are on the sidewalks and there's so many that it's hard to walk without them bumping into you as they try to leap away, which terrifies me greatly so even going outside can be stressful. I hate it. Winter can't come soon enough, even though it just ended...

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>>84313160
>only makes me feel worse somehow
try not to make relationships something you see as transactional. someone being kind to you doesnt mean that you have to repay them with the same kindness back. sure, you can do it, and they'll be happy, but keep in mind that simply you being happy because they helped is all the reward they're looking for. at least, if they're genuine. i myself find it really hard to think it this way, and i still dont most of the time, it was someone else that taught me this stuff. and i think that someone else is right and that we should try to see things this way.
>don't even know what i wanna do
then think about it. and i mean really think about it. sit down and write a list of things you'd like to do with friends. or things you'd like to discuss. i think you do want to do stuff, but you're too frightened to do new things and so your brain prefers to stay in their comfort zone of doing nothing. get out of that place and do scary things.
>video
i will believe in the anon that believes in me!
>that sorta feels very wrong
personally i think it is and i believe it only ends up in disappointment that can easily be avoided by not indulging in these kind of things.
>>84313165
>eternally undecided and stuck
the worst thing you can do is not the wrong thing, the worst thing you can do is nothing. so get off that fence already.
>Hopefully it's lots of good things
meh, im probably deficient in something although even if i am i dont think i have the means to fix that anyway. i guess ill buy gummy bear vitamins.
>there's so many that it's hard to walk without them bumping into you
ew, thats gross. i'd never go outside if the sidewalk was littered with bugs honestly. we dont have many bugs here thankfully, but we do have mosquitoes. i hate them with passion and i hope they all die.


it's getting late so i'll go to sleep. thank you anons for stopping by to talk today. i hope things will be better for everyone in the future. do your best!

>>84313301
>and i think that someone else is right and that we should try to see things this way.
its hard to believe yes but i sorta feel like it is this way with them. Somehow..
It still feels weird!
>get out of that place and do scary things.
i see a couple of things were that would apply but this is really not one of those. i am also very selective with whom i show empathy towards so i dunno its more actually not wanting to do stuff you know? even if i like to do stuff if that makes sense. It doesn't..
>it only ends up in disappointment
well i didn't even share anything with these new people at all so far. there is that thing i mentioned above but even harder in effect. and even people that i sorta like can't force that stuff out of me. maybe i am just coping but i will tone it down a notch..
anyways that is a stupid topic to end things on and a weird one bring up after not talking for so long but yeah good night anon.
i also hope that everything will be better for you too. till next time whenever that might be
was nice to see you again

>>84313301
>so get off that fence already.
I dunno.. it's pretty comfy up here...

>i dont think i have the means to fix that
Gummy bear vitamins should be plenty I would think, unless you're severely deficient. Hopefully it's not so bad you need injections or something.

>ew, thats gross. i'd never go outside if the sidewalk was littered with bugs honestly.
Yeah, it's hard enough to go out as it is and this really doesn't make it easier... thankfully it's only for a short time in the spring usually that there's these stupid bugs everywhere.

>we dont have many bugs here thankfully
That's a bit surprising, since you don't have cold winters I would have thought you'd have a lot of bugs too. You should indeed be grateful that you don't have too many. Mosquitoes are a menace that's basically present everywhere though so no surprise there, personally I don't mind them too much since they are too small for me to be scared of them, but they can be really annoying if you can hear one circling around you as you're trying to fall asleep.

>it's getting late so i'll go to sleep.
Thank you for the thread and good night! I hope there will be another one at some point in the not too distant future.

Take it Easy poster is the cutest poster on this board. I love their threads desu