I wont get over the pain of not getting along with my mom. Every girl i know is friends with their mom, meanwhile I cant hold a convo with her. She would just use it against me. Sure I talk to my dad but its not the same. I wish my mom didn't think I was a horrible daughter. I wish my mom liked me. I wish she'd listen to me. I wish. I wish. I wish. Every time she did anything to me she acted like it was nothing and i likewise have to just forgive her and get over it. And anytime I get angry and scream at her she curses me and says that she'll never forgive me. She sent me to the fucking hospital for fuck sake. And its nothing to her. Fuck my life man. But honestly im pretty sure ill never be able to trust her. Well, cant do nothing about it.
She is only doing what she knows however. Her mother hurt her, and she earnestly tried to give me a better life, but its hard to not pass down pain. But why wouldn't she ever say sorry? Why was it always my fault? Was i faulty when you stripped me naked and beat me and kicked me out of our apartment at 9? Was it my fault when you threw a glass bowl at me and I had to get stitches? Was it my fault when you stole my money? When you ripped my clothes off? When you strangled me? I was a kid and it was my fault? Was it my fault mom? Was it? You told me you wish you aborted be and I wish you did it too. But you didnt and I live and so do you and I will love you even though you were never satisfied with me. I hate you more than anyone yet I love you more than anyone. I wish you loved me the way id like for you to love me, but you dont. Yet i know youd die a million times for me. I wish you didnt hurt me but to be quite frank I dont think anyone will hurt me like you have. And I wish you wanted me but you dont. And I dont want myself either. But here I stand and Im not dead yet and I have nothing else to do but move on. You will never change. Mother, you will never change. And I will carry your traits and every time someone mentions it I will hate that trait because I hate you. I hate how I become like you when I get sad and angry. I hate it, because Id hate for me to pass down what you gave me. I hate it, because I want so desperately to love you wholeheartedly. But in my heart lies the diseases of mistrust and sorrow, and I fear it has no cure. I will have to carry on, knowing that im unwanted to you, and mother I only want you to want me.
