>>85304358
im feeling horrible

>>85304358
Died to jad on my first attempt at fight caves, went pretty well otherwise tho

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>>85304369
whats wrong anon?
>>85304383
are you talking about osrs or am i totally off track?

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>>85304358
>hello anon. how are you feeling today?
All things considered, pretty alright. Although I haven't slept much so I'm a bit groggy.
>im glad that you're still alive
I'm indifferent about living lately, which is an improvement to my usual state, I guess.
>also, what have you been up to lately?
I was trying to make friends again, but surprise surprise, ostracizing yourself from the world for 6+ years takes a massive toll on your social skills and self-confidence. Doesn't help that I disintegrated further instead of improving like I planned. The hermit life doesn't suit me apparently.

How's life been treating you?

>>85304358
I got hit by a car 9 months ago and just woke up from it

>>85304358
Hi Anon!! You made a thread, nice. It's been a while since the last one. Though I'm guessing the reason you made one is that you're feeling pretty terrible still? Let's hope talking with Anons gets you in a slightly better mood!

>how are you feeling today?
Eh haven't been that great today either for some reason. Feel like something awful might happen but it's probably just vague anxieties. It's not helping that work is scary today, because I have to wake up one of the guys on time for school now that that's back in session and also because the weird coworker that's worked with me for like half a year either left or got fired or something so now it's someone else (she wrote a giant text message to me telling me how she won't be here anymore and suggesting I get a second job in case I ever get fired... n-no thanks desu). My mom has also been a bother lately too, she convinced me to let her see me again and so I did meet up with her last Thursday but thankfully I managed to still keep my apartment number secret, we just met in the parking lot and I sat in her car. But the other day she wrote me a giant E-Mail telling me she's the only one that cares about me or something so I have to listen to her advice?? Or something to that tune... I dunno maybe she's just doing it out of love but it really triggered me and made me feel awful for the rest of the day. Thankfully I managed to get her to only visit me every other week now instead of every week so hopefully I don't have to worry about it this week at least.

Other than that though I've actually still been feeling better than usual this past week I think. Had a few really good days where I listened to music and actually enjoyed it for once. I didn't really realize it but music hasn't been affecting me that much lately, I've just been feeling nothing when listening to it, but now it seems to do something again.

Cont.

Cont.

>>85304721
>>85304358
I think it's probably because of the new meds I'm on, fluoxetine, it's also an SSRI but supposedly acts on a slightly different receptor or something and I do think it's helping me a little bit so far. Makes me feel ever so slightly more pleasure when doing fun things and I'm a little more motivated to do them as well. Can't say it makes me want to do non-fun things any more than before though so my life is still sort of falling apart but I guess we can't have everything. The psychiatrist I visited gave me a list of skills to use and even a book recommendation and I still haven't touched any of that stuff... I feel guilty about it, I wonder if I even want to get better? Maybe I just want to wallow in my misery after all if I'm this unserious about doing things to help myself. I felt really shitty after going to that psychiatrist because she basically laid out all these things I could be doing to help myself and I wasn't doing any of them. I guess it doesn't help that I don't believe that any of those things will work for me, but I mean I feel like I am obligated to at least try it before dismissing it... of course it won't work if I don't even try it. Urgh. I can't tell if I'm just lazy or if it really is the depression making it this hard for me to do things. At least it gives me hope that meds can still work for me, although I'm not sure these ones are enough for me to get out of this depressive spell, but the fact that they're doing *something* is already pretty nice in my book. Though they are also making me a lot more irritable and easily frustrated I think, maybe because I just have more energy to be frustrated now... but yeah even little things are making me pissed off now, which is kind of annoying but oh well. It's better than feeling nothing but emptiness at least.

Cont.

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>>85304725
>>85304358
>im glad that you're still alive
Same goes to you! Thank you for still being alive Anonny, truly. I hope you can stay that way for a while longer... though it feels like I've been saying that for a long time already. But ugh it's just too soon still! I still haven't had enough of you dammit. Probably won't ever, but still. Just a bit more...

>i hope things are going okay
I guess they are, all things considered. I'm moved into the new place (though I *still* haven't unpacked most of the boxes), got a new psychiatrist and new meds, and don't have to feel guilty about cutting off my mom anymore... could be worse I suppose. But I've been feeling pretty lonely lately for some reason. I wish I could talk more often with you but I guess that'd drain your social battery too much. Maybe I should find another friend? But I'm very undecided on that... I keep fluctuating between wanting one and not wanting one. It's so draining actually talking to people, god it fills me with dread unlike anything else. But then I also want to be close to someone. I wish I could just kidnap some baka, tie them up, and hug them so tight they can barely breathe and never let go. Oh and gag them of course so that we don't have to talk and can just enjoy the quiet. Sigh. I don't know. I wish I could just be either a clingy BPDcel or a stone cold stoicfag, rather than keep alternating between them ten times a day.

Cont.

Cont.

>>85304730
>>85304358
>what have you been up to lately?
Just playing vidya, sleeping too much, eating too much, and doing nothing too much I guess. As usual. I have failed my diet as expected but I am starting it again today, hopefully I will last longer this time. I have also failed to kick my diet soda addiction, I found a new one that has a bunch of super tasty flavors and I've been buying tons of it... I drank 4 one-liter bottles in one day yesterday... Baka was calling himself disgusting yesterday but that's funny compared to how disgusting I actually am. God I hate myself.

Also I am wondering if I should start tryharding in Darktide or not. It kind of annoys me how bad I still am at the game. I've gotten a little better but I think I'm hitting the limit of how good it's possible to be while just abusing the guns and pretty much never using the melee. I would probably be a lot better if I used melee when it's appropriate but then... it's so much less fun than firing muh lasgun...

What have *you* been up to Anon? I assume playing lots of Blue Archive judging by the Hoshino avatar? Is she your favorite grille from that game? What do you like about her?
Also how's Dead Space? 3 scawwy 5 me?

>>85304673
>I got hit by a car 9 months ago and just woke up from it

Something similar for me but to find myself again I first need to flush this ring down the toilet.

>>85304514
Yeah osrs. Good game you should try it

>>85304358
>hello anon.
Hey HuTao anon, sorry we haven't caught up in a while. Things got a lot worse.

>glad that you're still alive
That makes one of us. Might fix that tonight.

>what have you been up to lately
Got court in a few hours. Gonna see if I can get custody of my son back. If you don't hear from me, you can guess what happened.

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>>85304358
I'm feeling a lot more calm ever since I spoke with my lawyer. I got court tomorrow, and I think everything will turn out well.
>what have you been up to lately?
Uuhh nothing much just playing world of warcraft. I have fun reading and posting on trade chat sometimes. Its gotten a lot better, and I'm kind of over my friend ghosting me. I'm actively seeking to meet new people, and yesterday I could of had someone if I weren't so afraid. I gathered the attention of a lot of folk actually and I was trolling asking why would a guy play a female character. It was some girl named breadsticks she also banters around the same place I do, but Idk. Friendships are scary.

Then there's this other girl I met, but she hasn't been online in a few days. I like her and I feel like I need to protect her. She's severely schizophrenic.

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>>85304358
hello, hu tao anon
today i'm pretty ok, i'm in my daily meeting and working from home today so that's comfy, though i gotta go outside to buy some chicken thighs to cook with malzbier and okra

i'm glad you're still around too, i don't exactly keep track of your threads anymore but it's nice to spot them, to see you're still going
>what have you been up to lately?
planning a short trip to another state soon, i wonder what i should see there (i'll be there roughly 2 full days)
also playing subnautica below zero, closing in on endgame by now

i hope life's been treating you well, old fren

>>85304358
>hello anon. how are you feeling today? im glad that you're still alive. i hope things are going okay. also, what have you been up to lately?
Wishing I was a neet. Really regret certain choices in life. Finally realised certain people are absolutely disgusting cretins, I'm better but it just boggles mind mind sometimes. People really do suck

slurping coffee and playing civ 6 and feeling pretty alright because it's actually going well for once!

not much too happy to be alive, feels like a waste of time.

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>>85304609
>indifferent
well that aint so bad i suppose. hopefully it stays this way for a while or who knows, maybe even improves!
>make friends again
in what way? even if things dont work out right now, keep trying anon. eventually you'll find your people or they will find you. just dont go back at hiding or it will be impossible then.
>The hermit life
i have sadly realized this too after trying to live it for too long. now fixing everything is going to be a long, and painful process. but we try anyway!
>treating you?
overall? awfully. lately? decently, i could say.
>>85304673
do you remember anything from the past 9 months or?
>>85304758
i did, though its really not my type of game. i see the vision though.
>>85304842
hello there, no need to apologize. what happened that made things worse?
>Got court
oh, damn. i hope everything goes alright anon. please dont end up in jail!

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>>85304875
>court tomorrow
...you too? what the hell are you guys doing? behave, jeez.
>Friendships are scary.
sure are. but its by doing scary things that we improve ourselves and gain the best type of things. if you never challenge yourself then you're always gonna stay stagnant. so go try and be friends with people!
>need to protect her
not to be cynic or anything, but dont get caught up in feelings like that. you will end up hurt, doesnt matter what happens. i speak from a similar experience. other people dont need protecting, and you dont need the burden and the responsibility of protecting them. your own self should (almost) always come first desu. >>85304932
hi there junas, its been a minute. nice to see you're doing okay.
>wonder what i should see there
are you going far away? usually when i got o a new place i open google maps and look for landmarks to see whats interesting around me. you could try that!
>>85304953
>People really do suck
they do, yes. however, dont let the (many) bad apples spoil the few good ones. because yes, there are good ones too. they're just really rare.

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>>85304953
>People really do suck
they do, yes. however, dont let the (many) bad apples spoil the few good ones. because yes, there are good ones too. they're just really rare.
>>85304959
>actually going well
wow! im glad to hear. civ 6 is fun, i loved nuking other civilizations. i should play it again sometimes.
>>85304988
it might be, but that just means that if you're always wasting time no matter what you do then you're free to do whatever you please without feeling guilty!
>>85304721
>she's the only one
huh. well thats pretentious. you should ask her what opinion your father has on you. or not, actually, might just make things worse. still, i'd try to keep her somewhat close at least unless you wanna end up in the street if you get fired.
>can't have everything
we gotta start somewhere, what kind of skills are in the list?
>I don't believe
you dont know, and yes, you are obligated to at least try something before saying its bad. its just common sense desu. dont rely on meds like they're the only thing left that can fix you, they cannot. you either do the things the shrink tells you to do, or you remain this way forever. its up to you anon.
>find another friend
that is not a bad idea after all. i think it can only do you good to have someone else to do things with, also, sorry to break it to you anon, but you're not beating the clingy bpd allegations. dont try to be who you're not, it doesnt work out. rather try to be a better version of who you are, not something else entirely. for example take out the kidnapping ideas. thats a start!
>4 one-liter bottles
...how are you even alive? how do you not throw up??
>if I should start tryharding
meh, depends. games are supposed to be fun. if youre not having fun, then either switch things up or just play something else.
>playing lots of Blue Archive
nope. i havent touched that game in a while. i just liked the image, and that hoshino is in it. shes cute. dead space is pretty fun. not too scary, mostly just gory.

>>85305032
>what happened that made things worse?
Merit commission said I can't ever apply to local PD again (no reason given). Basement continued flooding. Company that fucked it up won't pay. Haven't seen my kid in three months because ex claimed I hit him. I stopped going to therapy and church.

>dont end up in jail!
I'm not going to. But I think tonight I might blow my brains out.

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>>85305060
>can't ever apply to local PD again
the hell? thats fucked. can they even do that without a proper reason?
>Company that fucked it up won't pay
that really sucks. i assume you're going to court for that later?
>ex claimed I hit him
now that is even more fucked up. sorry anon. i hope you manage to figure this crap out and see your kid again. no parent shouldnt be allowed to see their own kids. i pray that ill see you again in my future threads, dont do anything stupid, please.

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>>85305032
>in what way?
I have no clue how to connect to others IRL, so my options are limited to the internet for the time being.
>keep trying anon
it's a trite statement, but it does feel like most people already found their group they belong to and you are left only with those who are barely trying to put effort into making friendships work in the first place. I know it's probably wrong and I have to just keep trying, but I can't shake off that feel.
>just dont go back at hiding or it will be impossible then.
Yeah, it's hard to resist the temptation, but I will try my best.
>i have sadly realized this too after trying to live it for too long
It's peaceful but also gets really lonely. I thought it was the best place for me, but I was proven wrong by the fact that my mental health only gotten worse over the years.
>overall? awfully. lately? decently, i could say.
Did anything good happen that turned it from awful to decent for you?

>>85305049
>pretentious
Indeed. I think she'd say that my father doesn't care about me, but I'm pretty sure she is wrong and he cares about me, just shows it in a different way than she does (and one I much prefer). But to her unless you care in the exact way that she does, you don't care. I think.

>keep her somewhat close
Not wanting to end up on the streets is indeed the biggest reason I don't want to just cut her out entirely lol. Well and also the guilt, because she really isn't that bad and it's mostly a me problem of being too sensitive I think. I do feel bad for her, having an autistic ass son like me. Would be better for both of us if she hadn't brought me into this world...

>skills
It's stuff like mindfulness, deep breathing exercises, laughing, saying to yourself "it's just my anxious brain firing wrong", etc. For some reason, when I even as much as think about trying them out, I get this awful feeling of dread and doom washing over me... guh.

>obligated
I think so too! Too bad some part of my brain doesn't care, and stubbornly refuses. And that part seems to be stronger than the smarter part that wants to at least try. I want to give myself the best chance possible to get better, not just do the bare minimum (meds and showing up to therapy) and call it a day. Ideally. But man is it hard to actually do that. I really might just be fine being like this for the rest of my life, otherwise I would try harder wouldn't I? But I don't want to be this way... how do I cajole myself into wanting to change... gah I don't know. I want to die. It's so much easier and comfier than this constant struggling against the current of entropy. Just let me disintegrate already.

>do you good
It does seem like the healthier thing to do, but I really don't know if I can handle it. It's so karking weird to have more than one person to focus on, my heart gets all confused and I tend to just stop caring for both of them entirely and just want to isolate.

Cont.

Cont.

>>85305756
>>85305049
Do you not feel that way? You have so many people in your life, way too many as far as I'm concerned... I don't know how you do it.

>not beating
Oh ya? I'm glad to hear it. It's the lesser of two evils IMO. But I think you're sadly wrong, my default and preferred state is more like that of a kuudere without the dere. You just don't see that side of me that much because I'm more BPD around you. But that's just because you make me that way Anon.. the things you do to mah heart.. But no more place for love and feeling, I want you to make me reason. Or something. Random song lyrics aside, I truly don't know which I'm more of. I think it really is both, I somehow need to find a person who can perfectly match my manstrual cycle or something and be all clingy and lovey-dovey half the time, and distant and cold the other half. Which is impossible, I know. So what do???? Maybe I should try making a tulpa again.

>take out the....
...best part? Come on now Anon. But fine. Still, it's so much dang effort getting close to someone and maintaining relationships and everything... I just want the good stuff without all the effort. Why can't we just cuddle and spill our deepest secrets to each other in the first 5 minutes of meeting?

>how are you even alive?
Well what I meant by "a day" is more like 24 hours. And 4 liters of liquid in that time isn't that much is it? It didn't even feel like a lot, I wasn't chugging it, I was just sipping on it a bit like every 10 minutes.

>having fun
I am still having fun, but it would be nice to not die as much too. Also it's fun to just improve at a game and hone your skills, but it feels like I've hit a wall with it now. Mayhaps I can try to just survive longer instead of tunnel visioning on killing things...

>nope
Oh. WTF have you been doing then? Arknights? But yes, it's a nice image--cute and sad both. Is Hoshino your fave from that game then?

>gory
I see, seems like the case with a lot of "horror" games.

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>>85305750
>limited to the internet
makes sense. are you trying to make friends from here? just so happens there also someone else that wanted to make friends right under your reply. but anyway, im not really sure how people make new friends online nowdays. i cant imagine joining random discord servers till you find someone you click with. i feel like 10 years ago it was a lot easier to make friends. maybe you could try community servers on games that allow them. they usually have a community built around them you can join.
>only gotten worse
yeah, its pretty wild how badly loneliness can affect your mind. you kinda just end up in a really bad loop you can never get out of.
>anything good happen
recently, not really. its just that nothing bad happened either. so its stable for the moment.
>>85305756
>brought me into this world
you are here nonetheless, so might aswell try to do your best to not make her life even more miserable.
>dread and doom
yeah, thats your brain telling you to not go out of the comfort zone (which is, being miserable) because attempting to be happy would mean you'd have to change things and change is scary. you dont have to let your brain win though.
>wanting to change
put yourself in a situation where either you change, or you have to go through horrible things if you dont. only way it worked for me was to force myself into scenarios that required me to change in order to survive in them. for example, starting school again.
>>85305770
>have so many people
do I? i only consider a handful of them actually worth caring about. excluding my family members. you have to learn how to categorize people anon. see it as a tier list, the highest one is, the more attention you can give them. the lowest, the least and so on. that way you can manage your social battery. still, even then its not easy.
>ry making a tulpa
i advise against inducing yourself schizophrenia.
>4 liters
you are forgetting the amounts of sugars involved.
>Arknights?
yes. also yes.

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>>85304358
Hello Hutanon, genki desu, thanks for asking. I hope you're doing well too.
The other day I was invited to hang out with some former classmates and got a taste of the normie life. I think it might be over for me, like genuinely, I'm past the point of no return. They all have degrees, jobs and gee effs while I'm still the same shut-in loser I was in school. I'm so far behind it's embarrassing. What would you do in my place anon? Besides killing yourself I mean...
>what have you been up to lately?
The usual I guess... spending a lot of time working on that stupid project and realizing it's August already. I started in March and it's basically still a toy. It may all be pointless after all...
The only other thing I do besides vidya is learn guitar. Do you still play yours? Ironically the most recent piece I've been learning to play is a cover of the #1 sex haver song in the world...

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>>85306878
>What would you do in my place
id give up on trying to achieve the conventional life objectives and instead only try to do or get things that i know would make myself happy, even if others dont approve them. i would probably avoid any interaction with normies. i'd try to move somewhere really far away where nobody knows who i am. i'd do my best to stop caring about how i look or how im perceived by others. i'd just do what i want to do all the time, and i wouldnt force myself to do things that i dont want to do for the sake of others (unless they'll help me reach my objectives) i wouldnt look anyone in the face anymore, and i'd just spend all my free time distracting myself with hobbies or consumerism stuff. spend all my money to try and reach that said unconventional objective i have, dedicate my life to it.
>on that stupid project
dont give up on that desu. you dont wanna have to start on a new thing before you finish this one. try your best to stick to it even if it feels pointless! everything is anyway.
>Do you still play yours
yes, although i dont really track my playing time and im not as strict with myself as i was before. i've kinda reached a point where i dont really feel the need to become the best at it anymore. just trying to have fun when i play it. although im still shti and sometimes it hits me
>cover of the #1 sex haver song
huh? enlighten me please.

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>>85307126
>avoid any interaction with normies
Do you think it'd be a waste of time to try and reconcile with normies you've known in the past?
>do what i want to do
But that implies having monies, which usually also implies having to interact with normies... I quit my job mainly because of that. I am unemployable in this state.
>distracting myself with hobbies or consumerism stuff
Pretty much what I've been doing for the past 5 years...
>unconventional objective
Do you have one? I'm not really sure if I do, and I'm also not sure if I can live on my own for the rest of my life. I feel like I'm running out of copium...
>try your best to stick to it
I am obsessed with it so maybe it will be okay, maybe.
>just trying to have fun when i play it
That's the spirit! Keep that mindset and you'll git gud in no time (assuming you play regularly). Found anything fun to play lately?
>huh?
C-Careless Whisper... it's fun I swear! Look: https://youtu.be/3rxv06uU3ek

Dear mods, please remove this hutao avatarfag spam thread or move it to the >>>/trash/ where it belongs

Thank you

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>>85304358
long time no see. i hope you are doing well
>also, what have you been up to lately?
stepping on glass, panicking, and having nobody else but the insane retard that is me to blame
other than my room now smelling like iron, nothing. life's that uneventful

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>>85307599
>waste of time to try and reconcile with normies
yes. i'd have nothing in common with them, and the envy i'd feel towards their lives would prevent me from being their friend anyway.
>having to interact with normies
i think you'd be able to find an office job that you could eventually turn into one where you dont even have to show up to the office and can just work at home. its not impossible desu. if the reason why you're unemployable is because you cant stand being in the same room with normies, then its definitely something you can work on and overcome with time.
>Do you have one?
i guess living in some cabin alone in the mountains. or buying a really expensive car.
>not sure if I can live on my own
i know i cant. i wouldnt do any of the stuff i said above if i actually happened to be in that situation in real life, i'd just kill myself. not enough copium in the world to fill the holes.
>you play regularly
ehh kinda. but i always play the same stuff most of the time. rarely try new things i cant do.
>Found anything fun to play
demolition lovers by mcr is kinda fun to play. you can loop the intro to infinity so its nice to play whilst im like talking with someone or doing something else.
>careless whisper
oh, thats interesting. didnt expect a guitar cover of that. does sound pretty damn good though
>>85307825
hi hi. its been a while. i've been doing alright i suppose.
>stepping on glass, panicking, and having nobody else
woah. that sounds like my life. fun!
>my room now smelling like iron
...why is that? have you been smelting iron golems?

>>85304358
Working and working...I don't know why I keep doing it if I feel so bad about my life and myself, but as pathetic as it sounds, reading that I did "a good job" in one of my tasks is one of the few things that still make me feel somehow ok.

Also: cooked a nice stew, it tastes really good.

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>>85307875
>woah. that sounds like my life
twinsies or something yaay..
>...why is that?
cuz my foot bled sorta disproportionately much and it pooled for a bit.
just happened now. biggest happening in like a month or two

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>>85307875
>envy
I actually don't feel envy in this situation, only concern that I might regret not having tried. None of my classmates seemed particularly happy about being in a relationship also, which reinforces my belief that being in one wouldn't fix anything. Maybe if I found the right person, but that feels impossible.
>cant stand being in the same room with normies
I wish it stopped there... Being in a call with normies is even worse. Sometimes I'd get dragged into huge meetings and it was horrible.
>i know i cant
I also don't think you'd be able to live the hermit life, it gets lonely pretty quick.
>i always play the same stuff
It's understandable, I only learn something new if I really like it. It takes too much effort to learn new stuff...
>demolition lovers
Woah so emo. Yeah I like that intro, slow gloomy clean tone sections are always great, I should learn more too.
>does sound pretty damn good
Right? That guy's technique is sugoi, he does that sort of thumping without using the thumb and just hits the strings with his hand for the percussive effect. Also I have his amp plugin (and Tim Henson's!) and it sounds amazing desu.

>>85304673
Were you aware of anything going on in the outside world while you were in the coma?

>>85306096
Sorries for the late reply, I tried to write it like 3 times but the sleepiness defeated me each time

>even more miserable.
I guess... see, though, I'm a lot more selfish than you Anon, so I don't care enough to do this most of the time. I can only muster the motivation to do the bare minimum.

>comfort zone
That's what that feeling is? Karking hell, how does anyone ever go out of the comfort zone then... it's so bad. I'm not sure if I can win over my brain here, in the short term perhaps I can but in the long term...

>horrible things if you dont
Welp I guess that means I'm screwed then. I don't have the courage to put myself in a situation like that... I suppose I'm always bound to be sitting on the fence, unsure of whether to change or not. End me.

>do I?
Compared to me, sure. And family members count too desu. It proves the point even more that you don't care much about some of them... I don't understand why anyone would choose to have such people in their life. Why not only have people in the highest tier? It seems like an utter chore to have people in the lower tiers, I don't think I could handle it for long at all.

>schizophrenia
Eh I don't think it's actually that is it? If it were that easy to induce it it would be curable, too. Besides if it gets me a perfect friend then it seems worth it. The bigger issue is that I don't think I have what it takes to do it. Last time I tried it I gave up within like a month because I just didn't have the willpower to keep doing the necessary exercises. Considering I'm even more lazy and depressed now, it seems hopeless.

>sugars
Huh? But there are zero sugars... this is diet soda after all. Okay it is a lot of *artificial* sugars but those don't count so it's fine!! *dies*

>yes
I see. Is there a bunch of new story stuff since the last time you played or is there actually any reason to play it besides the story?

>also yes
She does seem bretty cude. Are there any kuuderes in Blue Archive? I guess Plana?

went to grab breakfast with some bros today before going to the movies. it was pretty okay movie was a bit long tho. friends told me a bunch of girls were checking me out and smiling but its probably their imagination since im a chud. fmcl