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All this shit going on lately
I change one thing about me. Sure its kinda major, but then we just pretend like its so easy for me to just go back to my shitty American college.

I was broken by it. I didn't have the skin at the time and now things are even worse. I felt humiliated and betrayed by my instructor. She acted like she cared, but the fact of the matter is she exists as an authority above me not by supposed merit, but by factors like poverty and other problems. Especially now. But even before then, I always feel through there cracks because I think different, better than these people.

Everyone through my life tells me I am smart and capable. I just process a lot of information and adapting to that perhaps is what makes me smart.

These people didn't have that shit. Not really. Not the way I do. They happen to have just the right configuration that they can do tests well and other arbitrary bullshit that requires a student to "keep up" and then they punish you if you don't.

It might be too late now to go back. Either way, my mind is now just filled with hatred towards professors and often other students. I don't care that they go into debt. I fucking hate them. I couldn't handle the stress and the expectations. I got burnt out. But all I wanted to do, all I wanted to fucking do, was learn and research.

Its my fucking thing. Not theirs. It really makes me want to hurt people. I won't, but I feel it. All I wanna do...

I worked so goddamn hard. I stayed up all night. I worked harder than other students. I came in and my shit was all disorganized spilling everywhere. They say it's common, but I've NEVER met a student like me. Its humiliating. Just because I'm absentminded. Just because I get lost in thought. Even though it has consequences on me that I don't want. Even though I DO work hard even though I DO buckle down, not one of these fucks cares.

And now its only harder.

I fucking hate them. All of them. That does it. Spikeman, I summon thee

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