File: 1618259799142.png (4.75 MB, 2000x1483)

4.75 MB PNG

Do you have any projects planned for the summer? Do those of you who're still in school, college, etc, take advantage of the break to work on your writing? Do you have more energy to write when it's sunny, or are you more lethargic in the heat? Do you find different seasons change the tone of your writing?

Personally, I find that the sun puts me in a better mood and I find it easier to write, but also I have more to distract me in the summer.

Previously, my scenes tended to be rather short. Which isn't necessarily bad, it gives the story a fast pace, lots of things happened in not many pages. But I felt that it made my stories feel short of breath a lot.
Managed a lot slower pace in my recent projects. Feels really nice, lingering on scenes longer, giving characters more time to speak, describing places and scenes in more detail. But recently, I've fallen back to my previous pacing. And wonder what could have caused this. Maybe it's a lack of clarity or engagement from my part.
Or maybe it really is just the heat.

File: 3ecqdlf57ub5mbmqdsrd23af9cqt.jpg (557 KB, 1342x1244)

557 KB JPG

Working on the intro for my Rifts adventure. This is intended as background text that I'll give them with a character creation package. It'll list what RCCs and OCCs are available and provide a rules primer, because my group has never played Rifts. They usually read these, but it's not terribly important that they do so. This is just background and not the actual start of the game. But the point of this text is to establish where they are and why, and give them a sense of their surroundings. At least 3 of my 4 players will bother to read it.

I'd love any feedback, with the caveat that it has to stay under 250 words (currently 236).

Starting in next post because character limit. The rifts thread on /tg/ made me decide to give Rifts a try for the first time in 20 years.

File: 7081903.jpg (136 KB, 612x792)

136 KB JPG

>>96045958
The Coalition States won their war against Tolkeen, reducing the city to rubble and plunging the heartland into chaos. The armies of Chi-Town swarm on metal wings, purging D-Bees and those touched by magic. Refugees flee.

Dodging psi-hounds and hunter drones, you headed east to Char. Reaching the coast, you boarded a smuggler’s skiff held together by prayer and the stubbornness of crusty old sailors. Hugging the coastline, you watched the skies for Rift storms.

Ley lines flared on the horizon. Sea monsters breached waves fifty feet high, their bodies glittering in the storm-lit dark. Rain and arc flashes drove the ship dangerously close to jagged shoals. Farther offshore, the black hulls of Atlantean dreadships fired violet beams at New Navy subs—the open sea a battlefield you desperately avoided.

Once, a squadron of Sky Cycles screamed overhead—Coalition pilots chasing more interesting prey. You kept your heads down, your little boat crawling along the edge of the Dinosaur Swamp. A ruined coastline of buildings like tombstones gave way to tangled jungle. Skyscrapers slumped into vine-choked wetlands. Giant sauropods grazed the treetops.

Finally, your boat turned inland through a tidal channel and into a quiet bay.

And there it was: Neksys. Ancient freeway pylons jut from the sea, crowned by cracked concrete spans. A city clinging to Golden Age ruins, perched above a fetid and dangerous swamp.

Here, at last, you’ve passed beyond the Coalition’s reach.

>>96045971
I think if they've never played Rifts before you need to explain who the Coalition States and Tolkeen are, and why they're fighting. Because without that they're going to be completely lost. In an introduction, keep any terms they won't know - like Chi-Town and D-Bees - to a minimum, and focus on explaining the really important things. It's honestly a shame to cut anything because it's pretty well-written, but with a 250 word limit I would go with something more like this:

>The future has come and gone. The Earth of the present is not as those who lived at the dawn of the technological age, in the far past of the 21st century, imagined it would be. For a while the promise of progress that technology offered was realised... but then came the Great Conjunction, the opening of the Rifts, and the return of magic.

>The old order was torn apart, and new states arose from its ashes. Some that sought to hold onto what was, and purge the unnatural, and some that embraced the arcane. The Coalition, dominating central North America, followed the former philosophy, and their neighbour Tolkeen the latter. War, like magic, once a myth of the distant past is now returned with a vengeance.

>The Coalition States won their war against Tolkeen, reducing the city to rubble and plunging the heartland into chaos. Their armies swarm on metal wings, purging all those who originated beyond the Rifts, and anyone 'tainted' by magic. Refugees flee.

>Dodging psi-hounds and hunter drones, you headed east to Char. Your little boat keeps close to shore, crawling along the edge of the Dinosaur Swamp. Ruins like tombstones gave way to tangled jungle, skyscrapers slumped into vine-choked wetlands. Giant sauropods grazed the treetops.

>Then, ancient freeway pylons jutting from the sea, crowned by cracked concrete spans. Neskys, at last. A city clinging to Golden Age ruins, perched above a fetid and dangerous swamp.

>Finally, you’ve passed beyond the Coalition’s reach.

File: Sergei Bondarchuk.png (160 KB, 414x726)

160 KB PNG

Hi /tg/, first time posting so hopefully I don't break any rules.
Anyway, pic related is a story I am writing, mostly for my own pleasure and to 'exercise' that creative muscle, so to speak.
It takes place in the battletech universe, on a planet I made up. The main character will begin the story as a mercenary, who returns home with ptsd, and learn to slowly love life again through the simple poverty of his home village, only to have it ripped from him. he will then go on a DUNE-esque rampage with his own battletech, and since it seem to be the only one on the planet, he will lead his people to victory and sit atop a throne of corpses.
That's the idea, anyway. please go easy on the grammar mistakes, it is a 1st draft. I would appreciate ANY feedback otherwise.

>>96050549
Your sentences are too long. Avoid unnecessary words.
>The older children gathered the younger to make wonderful little decorations and other crat, one such being a game of some type where some children gathered the straightest sticks they could find about the length of their arms while the others wove tiny twigs into circles so that the number of them came to appear to be a crown with leaves and bristles and thorns sticking out.
That sentence has like fifteen objects in it. If you've got a new subject or object? Get a new sentence. Get rid of meaningless, extraneous words. Read this:
>They wove twigs and sticks into bristly, leafy crowns.
It conveys the same information as:
>one such being a game of some type where some children gathered the straightest sticks they could find about the length of their arms while the others wove tiny twigs into circles so that the number of them came to appear to be a crown with leaves and bristles and thorns sticking out.
Be economical. Use the words it takes to tell the story. If you want to use more words, then tell more story.

Reread each sentence and ask yourself "how could this be more simply said?" Then correct it. That revision process is the path to better writing.

Take the next paragraph's first sentence:
>As evening neared and dark encompassed the village, save for an occassional solar lamp or light spilling out from a nearby window, meetings were held to plan the festivities.
That's at least three sentences. Your second clause in there could also be a parenthetical (set off by either parenthesis or dashes). But it's better as 3 sentences. Give the reader a sense of time passing. "Evening came and the village darkened." One statement. "Occassional solar lamps flickered, and windows lit up." One statement. "Villagers gathered to plan tomorrow's festival." One statement.

And if two people talk in a paragraph? Perfect: two paragraphs. It's easier to read.

>>96053862
thank you, I've had no advanced education to instruct me on the structure of writing. Feedback of this type is especially helpful.

>>96042773
A character came to me in a dream. I'm still drawing her up but I'm having some trouble nailing the finer points down. I think I might use her for D&D and other TTRPGs, or even a short story, but so far I'm a bit all over with her.

>>96058498
While I broadly agree with the point >>96053862 is making, you shouldn't be *too* economical. For example, this sentence:
>As evening neared and dark encompassed the village, save for an occassional solar lamp or light spilling out from a nearby window, meetings were held to plan the festivities.

Rather than splitting into three, you could take it down to just two.
>Evening neared, darkness encompassing the village save for an occasional solar lamp or light spilling out a window.
>As the day ended, the meetings to plan the festivities began.
Note that I didn't just snip it in two, I added a bit more to the second half to balance it out rather than just leave a stump.

It's not just that your sentences are long, it's that you're trying to cram too much information into each one. To paraphrase >>96053862, try to keep to one concept per sentence.

The other thing to keep an eye on is your use of synonyms. In general, just the more common synonym unless you have a reason to pick a rarer one. For example:
>Others were larger affairs in which many of the adults gathered into one of the larger domiciles.
'houses' works just fine there instead of domiciles.

However, this
>save for the patriarch or matriarch of said domicile
is an appropriate way to use it because patriarch and matriarch are terms of authority, and you're implying that to them it's not just a peasant hut but a *domicile*, which sounds a bit posher. A bit of a tongue-in-cheek way of showing how seriously the villagers take these things even though they're all just commoners. You can see how synonyms should be carefully chosen for their particular connotations, and not just sprinkled in anywhere to liven up the text.

>>96059063
thank you for the input, especially on the comparisons between appropriate use of synonyms.
honestly this is the roughest of drafts. I mostly just type with an idea on what i want to happen in this and the next scene, while also having an overarching plan. i have not done any proof-reading of any kind.
like i said in my op, it's mostly to 'use a muscle' so to speak, and because it is enjoyable. I have also been enjoying sharing snippets of it in order to improve my style and structures with the help of anons like you.

>>96058880
>A character came to me in a dream.
At least you didn't make it up...

In my world, the gods are responsible for holding together the universe, electing lesser gods to walk amongst mortals as a type of celebrity. They can be challenged or quest givers, the world a sandbox mimicking the Fall of Rome, with four main epochs spanning 1000 years:
>Fall of The Current Political Forces
>Rise of Coastal Raiders
>Demon Uprising that marks a Split in the Church
>The Black Plague

Original and fun? Or Flavorless?

>>96074040
I think it sounds pretty cool. Although wouldn't 'lesser gods' just be angels and/or saints?

>>96078068
There are three events that resulted in lesser gods, (The term used for any divine being who works for a major god.)

>War of Angels
Resulting in Good Angels, Neutral Spirits, and Evil Devils

>Despair of Heralds
Resulting in Lawful Heralds, Neutral Omens, and Chaotic Harbingers

>Rise of Logic
The Corner alignments, (LG, CG, LE, CE) becoming the Ethos gods, The Directly Opposed alignments, (NG, NE, LN, CN) being the Pathos gods, and True Neutral becoming the Logos god.

>>96079719
I would be cautious about over-complicating your setting. I mean, maybe in the context of the whole thing that all makes sense, but if there isn't a compelling lore reason for it then you should be trying to eliminate redundancy.

>>96074040
If you also add compelling characters.

>>96111099
I've seen that image before, and I've always thought it funny that the last few centuries of mankind's philosophical and artistic development could be summed up so neatly by Daffy Duck.

>>96116125
Yes, I like it a lot too.
Looney toons works in mysterious ways.

File: 1647103127290.jpg (1.38 MB, 2004x1400)

1.38 MB JPG

>>96050549
I think you should practice removing hold backs from your writing, stuff like 'some' this 'almost' that. Maybe use Notepad++ to check over how many times you use the same words, it can be pretty helpful.
You can shuffle your ideas together, focus on the action, and it'll create more flow. If you want to write a lot, write about more don't hold the reader in paralysis of exposition.
Second, focusing on 'why this is important' over 'this is what happens' will be more rewarding to the reader. Trust that we will fill in the blanks on nonessential details like how the boys make the wreaths, what all the women say and do, why the people do this or that. As is, this reads like an anthropological report you wrote for yourself to better understand the sequence of events rather than from a character viewpoint, but it's not like that's bad.

gonna follow up on this with this passage in my own words, maybe it'll inspire you, hopefully so since you inspired me.

>>96125120
1/2
The season reached zenith and the people of the village defied unbearable heat to prepare a summer festival. All around folk bustled about, free from the day's choring. Excitement filled the street with commerce. Young boys ran past, all laughter and smiles in their games. Older ones waved trinkets they made to passersby, heads full of reeds and thorns woven into impressive bramble circlets, while young ones had tiny hands full of twigs, straight and narrow, to make their own before days end. The boys offered their charms in exchange for sweets like pixies. Their mothers hurried along behind, chastising them, arms full of baskets, mouths full of plans for the evening, their skirts full of daughters holding dolls they made themselves. Wicker arms, buttons for eyes, colorful dresses they sewed and embroidered for the special day, the girls' heads wreathed with twigs like their brothers too, but with flowers stuck in, and their dresses carried the fresh laundered smell of meadow. The lead of a donkey laden over with crates, chickens, glass jars of colorful beads lashed together smartly with rope, trailed behind this procession. Sergei refused the pixies and watched the parade, thoughtful in his study of the strings of decorations, bolts of cloth dyed in breezy colors, piled over the animal's rump. It disappeared into the crowd and his forehead creased in a frown of confusion. He hadn't a clue what purpose any of this served, what the end goal might be. As a boy, he'd never had such bright days. Grigoriyu's people only recently learned the feeling of a full belly, and Sergei wondered if it was really alright to go to all this effort. The star above was dropping from the sky, and half buried in the hillock by the time his tired feet found home. With their fields now plentiful, they could celebrate again and the inhabitants no longer feared for survival every moment of the day. The rough hewn door swung open to a warm glow and creaked shut.

>>96125601
Night gathered, and evening encompassed the village. Lanterns spilled over their light from windows opened to the cool air, and solar lamps glowed from the street. Moths beat their wings against the artificial suns while voices rose and fell in colorful bursts, especially in the largest of them. The meetings were in full swing, and women got to the serious planning of events for tomorrow, eyes fixed to each speaker and quietly enumerating every detail ahead, to make it the best festival yet. Women, Sergei learned, would have a large affair of food prepared in the domicile of the elder where the discussions were held, as it would be the only one available that could hold everyone who wanted to attend. Some women would meet as they felt like, however they pleased if they did not come, so that they could set their children to bed and carry on the chores that inevitably would come for the morning. But, snacking on all kinds of dishes, the men would be in full attendance. They would laugh over drinks uproariously and discuss events, both past and future while some play cards, dice, or chew the ends of pipes without any seriousness at all, there only for the company. These meetings most often and very naturally separated by gender, with the hosts drifting between them as they liked. Tonight, the Matriarch of the home this all took place in was especially involved on the men's side. Her attempts to chide the barbarians into quietude humored some immensely before she tossed her hands, giving up, and grunting in anger over the irresponsibility before finally withdrawing.

++

All the discussion is golden, so I don't feel the need to try improvising it. OP, I hope you keep writing and sharing with us, I want to see where you take it next.

>>96125120
Thanks for the feedback. As previous anons advised, I am being more careful to break up sentences. I find your point about nonessential details helpful, the reader doesn't need to know how they play their games or weave their crafts, they just need to be able to picture them.
>As is, this reads like an anthropological report you wrote for yourself to better understand the sequence of events rather than from a character viewpoint, but it's not like that's bad
Honestly, I was kind of inspired in the style by Gogol's Dead Souls and his short story 'Ivan Shponka and his Aunt.' Maybe the amount of explanation took it over the edge from painting a picture to detailing a report.
>>96125601
>>96125914
I love this, man. I've never had any work of mine 'inspire' someone. I really appreciated reading this. Also its a pleasant style that helps show me what an improvement can look like.
Pic related is later in the story. As I stated in my OP, the mc is a recently returned veteran with severe ptsd, and this is a foreshadowing of his future in the form of a dream sequence. I'm not sure how you feel about these but I find the freedom they grant to foreshadowing fun, if a bit on the nose.
(1/2)

Also, I love the art, do you have a source?

File: Sergei Bondarchuk 2.png (83 KB, 555x796)

83 KB PNG

>>96126074
forgot image. 1/2

File: Sergei Bondarchuk 3.png (50 KB, 561x589)

50 KB PNG

>>96126082
2/2

>>96126082
>>96126095
Took a second to realize Lyssa was the ship, in a good way. Really decent work to get the reader into the scene.

>>96126074
Tombs of the Fallen by Friedrich. I'll read the next part when I don't have to fade from temporal existence.

I submitted a short story to the Black Library during the open submission, and still haven’t heard back.

I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. My guess is that I’m still in the running, and maybe hit the finalists. But who knows?

File: IMG_3879.jpg (38 KB, 250x334)

38 KB JPG

You guys wanna read the opening chapter of a book I’m writing?

It’s about a 15th century witch hunter.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ag8RSXHvJ191WBlMJRxqtEllwsZf6yA80dm4WJkEqsQ/

>>96042773
Sorry for being off-topic, but I guess you don't have any tourist trolls infestation just like /slop/ for example?

I mentioned this before in different threads, but I find it funny that John Norman's Gor series of fapfiction has one of the better reasoning/explanation for technological stagnation for long periods in their fantasy/sci fi setting.
Anyone else have good examples?

>>96130567
What gets me is that the Gor series started in 1966 and *it's still going*. There are thirty-eight books now. The author is ninety-four and he's still writing.

He's also been married to the same woman for almost seventy years.

>>96133917
Yeah. They can't keep him down, it seems.

>>96129561
They always have a bajillion entries, I wouldn't hold your breath. I doubt they bother contacting entrants individually, they probably just release a list of winners and if your name isn't on that list, you didn't win.

In fact, looking at their website:
https://www.warhammer-community.com/en-gb/articles/p8ppmwsz/black-library-submissions-policy/

>9. Games Workshop makes no guarantee that we will respond or be able to provide feedback for any submission. If you do not hear back from us within 100 working days (20 working weeks), then please assume that Games Workshop does not wish to use your submission at this present time.

Sorry dude. It's not over until they release the list of winners but I would assume at this point that if you haven't heard from them you didn't win.

>>96141601

I got a rejection last time, and it took closer to six months. My assumption is that I got slotted into a maybe pile and then pruned later. I’m optimistic about this one, and I’m going to keep my hopes up until September.

>>96130567
>Anyone else have good examples?
"The world is an artificially maintained environment" is a classic. Can't really advance if the forces governing your reality don't let you. This could be anything from the world is a simulation to everything is infested with nanites to almost everyone alive is living out their lives according to the will of an oversoul acting through them.

>>96144606
That's kind of how Gor is too. Except that you can try to make more advanced technology but you will be turned into a pile of salt or burned up or whatever because super advanced alien race controls the planet and keeps their theme park such way.

>>96126082
Once we got into the groove.. [Would cut 'well he did not fly in the literal sense' as it weakens the understanding that this is a dream]
.. I was immersed and pulled by energy of the mech sequences, Absolutely electric.
Getting ejected in that way without pomp and immediately facing down cryptic messages reflects my own extremely vivid fever dreams. I'll swing between this kind of extreme very much in the same way, like slam head first heart pounding into death cold quiet. When you're in them, that transition just doesn't strike as strange, to survive a deadly crash without impact and see the love of your life waiting for you on the beach, but maybe you could help your readers understand it better. Tweak the transition, and clue in early a little more that it's definitely not real as it happens, there's 2/3 clues a reader can use to know it's a dream, so maybe it can be at the start.

Was Lyssa always ship shape, or did he have to repair her before going on his new operation? Could allude she's 'dead' at time of dreaming 'Sergei flew headlong towards the horizon, he was back inside the cockpit of Lyssa, her once dead controls alive and crackling with rage...'

I picture a mad animation style 'his fingers were her guns waving menacingly, his eyeballs her sensors spinning wild his gut was her fusion engine burning with malic' it paints a specific impression of sequences, like Gundam series. Love '[his eyes] were dilated and filled with fever' and an absolute perfect line to grok it 'He and Lyssa were becoming terminal'.
I had a blast with this section. 'Her controls were cracking away under his maniacal grip' kept up that unreal dream anime impression, in a styled way.

Sacrificing everything to chase back the sun is futile and tragic. tho I expected... 'fighting to move that star .. back one millimeter at a time' that it was setting position, was surprised and had to reorient '...neared it's peak in the heavens' was it noon for greater reason?

>>96147870
I love that my internal vision for the reading goes from that gundam anime style into a image of cinematic drama, like a color theory portrait you could see in The Fall, the picture of Valeya is pure and clear. Their parting and his walk towards doom and vengeance, literally holding his regret tenderly in spite of his own frustrated prejudices tells me everything I need to know about what is going on in his mind into his next chapter.

There's a confused moment when he's able to wrap the girl in a blanket with his hands occupied by Valeya, it wouldn't be a problem in a dream but we are immediately thrust into noticing that paradox of choice when he's deciding which hands he holds. It makes that hiccup stand out more, although it's not completely unnatural to have actions you can and cannot take, just needs more decision on your part, like if Valeya's hands are mentioned to help him even as she's in sorrow to do so, as if she already knows what he will do next.

I so wish that he had internally accepted his choice more resolutely, if he had the horror of being given a last kiss, or a wistful emotive look when she's frozen in place and melting. I thought it was maybe a little too cold he shook her ashes from his pants and I have a hard time picturing it with his hands occupied, maybe instead his eyelashes become crusted and he has to wipe her remains from his face to see the girl clearly again.

My players will probably never see the hours and days I poured into my world on WorldAnvil, but what they will see is someone who's emersed in the story and can recall any topic they need me too with a little help from randomizer tables. I tried using AI to help me make a world, but it just falls so flat.

>>96148091
The problem with AI is it relies on you feeding it as the imagination machine, you have to give up everything you have for it to simply organize what you yourself made, and then it's no longer yours it's in the hands of whomever owns the LLM and you will never know how your own creative force gets used from then on, a literal double edged sword and thankless.

What I think you'd benefit from more is pouring all of your connections into an obsidian web. Maybe you can have an AI model help you make it and then you just pour your vision into that instead of the dry gpt wasteland.

>>96148133
Yup, but so far I've only needed to use AI for name generation and images. Other than that, I'm avoiding using gpt for anything that I'd rather have locked in memory.

>>96148416
I find that the best thing to use those LLMs for is finding glue between completely disparate ways of thinking, stuff that you yourself might not be an expert in so finding those connecting themes aren't as easy going. You can take articles, concepts and musings and churn out some semblance of gutless meat and make a tasty dish out of it, but if you leave it as meat it won't be tasty, filling nor satisfying enough to have even bothered generating in the first place. The thing that AI lacks is the wherewithal to go hunting for interesting things and the prescience to know what's cheap trash or not.

>>96147870
>>96148054
Thanks for reading dude!
What I'm getting is that the mech sequence is good, just needs a couple tweeks like making it more obvious he's in a dream and a couple lines here and there.
>Was Lyssa always ship shape, or did he have to repair her before going on his new operation?
yes and unfortunately i'd have a hard time changing that. He's essentially left the service of the merc company he piloted her for and he's going to get her back later to wreck the planet's shit.
>There's a confused moment when he's able to wrap the girl in a blanket with his hands occupied by Valeya
oops, first draft moment lol. thanks for noticing.
> I thought it was maybe a little too cold he shook her ashes from his pants
good idea, I'll make his reaction more vivid. I can imagine having muted reactions in a dream but for the purpose of a written story he should display how he'd feel if (when) she actually dies.
Again I really appreciate this feedback, it is very encouraging. lmk if you'd like me to post more or if you have any stories i can help you with.

>>96042773
I managed to run an incredible PF2E campaign based on an exploration of a cursed swamp. My players engaged so much with the carefully crafted world building and mystery of the swamp I nearly cried.

>>96126082
>>96126095
Unfortunately I don't have a lot of time at the moment, but in general I didn't see any major problems; it was definitely an improvement on >>96050549.

I think my one criticism is that it was trying just a bit too hard. Maybe dial back the intensity about 20%. Sentences like:
>her metallic hide beginning to sheer apart with the screams of a primal animal
almost make it sound like you're writing a sex scene. (also in that context it's spelled 'shear'; 'sheer' means steep, 'shear' is the stress on a material from parallel force)

>>96129574
Do I have deja vu or have you posted this before? I distinctly remember something about a talking Satanic goat.

Overall I think it's pretty good. The thing you really need to watch out for is that you don't trip yourself up when writing old-timey speech (a very common problem when writing in a pre-modern setting). You're actually better at it than most but there are still bits like:
>But was their invective and ire mistakenly placed upon an innocent beast through ignorance?
This sentence feels to fancy for someone presented as being from humble origins, and a hard-headed pragmatist as well.

and then there's this exchange:
>“What am I to do with it?”
>“Your intentions are your own.”
I don't think that even makes sense, it would be something like 'Do as you will.' (although you do get some culinary bonus points because goat does taste like mutton and it's best when marinated or slow cooked in red wine).

Either way, a promising opening chapter.

File: valentina-remenar-the-sun(...).jpg (593 KB, 1541x1200)

593 KB JPG

The main religion of the empire I want to focus on worships the sun.
There is supposed to be a southern realm. Not a unified realm, more of a cultural group. That the empire often wars with, but also lots of exchange and trade going on. At some point, these people fucked the empire over by pulling out some holy fire religion.
My problem is simply that it's thematically too close. Yes, the sun as a celestial body and the element of fire are different. But both are fire, both are light. It's too thematically similar. Could offer some fun religious discussions and interactions in-universe, still. My other problem with that is, it feels too pagan. This southern realm is supposed to be based on renaissance Italy, cultures around the Adriatic Sea, Spain, orthodox Greece and such.
Maybe something with saint worship, but no idea where their powers are supposed to come from.

>>96167952
I think the saint worship thing is the right direction to go in. Ditch the fire stuff, and have them follow a quasi-Catholic religion. Much more fitting for Renaissance Italy. You could have saint analogues, historical or semi-historical figures who basically took the place of the dozens of old pagan gods. They have a hierarchy where the top saint is basically Jesus and the ones just below him are like the disciples. Then above them are the 'Messengers' (angels) who grant them their powers and give them messages from their master. And the 'Messengers' have hierarchies too. Then right at the top there's a very vaguely defined figure, possibly more a universal force than a discreet being, that fills the position of 'god', although our monotheistic concept of god is something they associate more with the sun-worshippers.

File: GXb0gZ_bwAEmU14.jpg (155 KB, 900x1347)

155 KB JPG

>>96172003
Thank you, it will probably take some time until I have the chance to start describing whatever that religion may turn out to be. But making it needlessly hierarchic with a confusing amount of saints sounds like something fun to write.

>>96172219
Normally I would advise against making things over-complicated, but the essence of Medieval Catholicism was making religion over-complicated so in order to fit the setting you kind of have to.

How do you strike a good balance between making a fantastical (be it fantasy or sci-fi or both) and having your audience just roll with it along with making sure your setting make sense? I generally don't want my setting to run on "bro it's magic and/or sci-fi shit just roll with it" too much.

>>96177472
Just explain what you feel you need to explain and keep a proper setting bible. The hard part is going to be introducing elements organically anyway. That's why so many fantastical stories involve a fish out of water to have shit explained to them.

Writing cyberpunk stuff, I have a major character who's a career swindler and an idea for an augment that would subtly morph areas like the face chest and hips to outwardly express as a woman. I feel it's got good story potential but it also feels a bit out there and this character is supposed to be one of the more ground un-augmented ones, so I'm sot sure.

>>96180110
Very cool art, what artist?

>>96183618
Michael Whelan. It's cover art for a book by Larry Niven called Destiny's Road

>>96180778
Being able to genuinely mimic the opposite gender seems like a fairly major augment. It's not just adding a bit of fat on the hips and chest to consider, it's the jawline, the set of the shoulders, muscle mass, the way the legs are placed on the pelvis, etc, etc. Men and women are physically different in a lot of fundamental ways. Without getting too much into current politics, I think the last ten years have showed us all how difficult it actually is for one gender to present as the other convincingly, even with some fairy major surgeries.

A small augment that just makes a few subtle changes seems like it would be so situational that no one would bother to have it done. Like, maybe it could fool someone in a dark club or chatting via facetime but I don't think you could pull off full identity fraud without being willing to have some major augmentations made. Also, as you say, it just seems a bit weird to get an augmentation that feminises you just a little bit. I mean, why would that even be a thing that a biomodder went to the trouble of developing?

I think either you go the whole way and give him significant augmentations that allow him real shapeshifting abilities, or just drop the idea.

>>96180778
WHat purpose do you want it to serve? I can see it working to cange gait so that he reas as a different person to low tech sensors, but other than that it sounds very much like fetish bait. If I read that in a book that is what I would assume it was about unless there was a real necessity for it to exist.
If you do use this augment, the character needs to own it fully, like Chronicler said, expressing yourself as a gender has more to do with full mimicry than body parts can do on their own.

File: 1602814800130.jpg (409 KB, 1500x1500)

409 KB JPG

>>96201998
change gait so that he reads as a different person to scanners*
sheesh.

>>96177472
Look at it this way anon, in terms of a metaphor that's been done to death but deserves repeating.
What do you really understand about electricity? Do you ever think about it when you switch a light on or consider deeply how it flows inside of a cpu?
Magic is the same way. It's a force that makes things motile. You need only focus on the parts that are interesting to the story, explain the things that need explaining, because the people of that world won't be thinking so deeply about it unless the magic system or the character themselves are an outsider to the way the world works.
If you are getting in the weeds feeling like you have to explain why your world works the way it does, maybe step back and read/reread a story that you can use as a good example, if it strikes something like the balance you're looking for between crunch and fluff it's worth reading so you can fit some more pieces together in your head about what you want to accomplish.

When you write you should read, and often, it's the best advice anyone's ever given me.

>>96180778
Fetish bait, but I like it.

Wonder how obvious you can make it who is the badguy in a mystery/conspiracy story.
Think it's already pretty obvious, but I want to add even more lines of dialog for him to foreshadow it. On the other hand, he does have a good alibi.
Telling myself that revealing who's the antagonist isn't really the point of the story, but why he does it, what it does to the protagonists.

>>96265852
With multiple pows you can spell it out to the reader, not sure why you want that however.

>>96269716
I'm already very guilty of never being able to stick to one PoV, so let's not go there.

I'm in the process of writing a novel that will serve as a backstory to a particular character for the pen-and-paper style RPG i've been creating a cyberpunk setting for over the last decade. It's drawing from a whole bunch of sources of inspiration over the last few decades and I'm struggling a bit with where to set it.
Basic idea is that governments have started losing power owing to mass mismanagement, growing distrust, authoritarian creep, etc, and everyone who can afford it has moved away from old cities and into huge redistricted areas that have been leveled by either war, street gang violence, or corporate buyouts, to become a combination of arcologies, megastructures, and even factory farm complexes. The old cities have been more or less abandoned to anarchic waste, with neighborhoods run by slum lords or organized crime or privately contracted security or even street gangs.
The advantage is tons of biotech, medical technology, and mechanical augmentation have made huge leaps forward, plus the advanced megastructures etc are way safer places to live with almost an absence of crime, though only about half the area's population lives and works there, with the rest living in general poverty and subsisting off of the scraps while being able to access what little trickles down from the more benevolent corporate benefactors are out there.
Essentially, the story revolves around a guy who will go from street thug to victim to war hero to nomadic biker over the course of the story, having his ethos, his spirituality, and his humanity stripped away from him and rebuilt along the way.
Thing is I'm unsure where to start this story. So far I'm using Cleveland, but tue long and short of it is that I want to use an underutilized American city near the Canada/USA border as the setting. Anyone have suggestions?

>>96265852
If you make it really obvious it just starts to feel like a red herring. There are plenty of good mysteries where the it was the most obvious candidate all along; the key to making a double bluff work is not how obvious the badguy is but how compelling the other potential suspects are.

>>96270452
Detroit is the classic for cyberpunk, but Cleveland fits the definition of 'underutilised' more. Although if you want underutilised you could try Buffalo; I don't know anything about it, I just keep forgetting it exists. But I think for your specifications, you're probably not going to do better than Cleveland.

>>96265852
Does the story exist only 'in real time' or does it have a fluid timescale? People make mistakes and learn lessons, and in retrospect can align a reader to broader interpretations while still retaining a less than perfect knowledge, Philip K Dick is good for that.

>>96274339
I used to go to buffalo for shopping now and again when I was younger and times and money were better, because Niagara Falls has a really convenient crossing to there and I live only a few hours from the Canadian side of Niagara. I honestly love Buffalo. Nice place, great mix of architecture, but wouldn't quite fit for the kind of urban sprawl I'd be looking for, though I now started thinking of the idea of a massive megastructure spanning the Niagara falls gorge amd that sounds like a pretty slick setpiece.

>>96270061
lol

>>96276147
Adding to this an excerpt from what I've written so far, which is probably going to be retooled at a later point anyways when I go through and edit everything.

Over the last couple of decades, everyone that was anyone had moved to one of the Arcologies and megastructures spread across the American continent. They were safe. Corporate controlled with corporate security. The rest of us were just the scum in the urban sprawl of the old world. They ignored us because what was left of law and order ignored us. There were hardly even hospitals out here now, so we learned to organize into groups. Some people started amateur clinics, usually unlicensed but easily affordable. Some even accepted barter in lieu of payment. Everyone needed something they didn’t have and someone else could give them. The same went for just about every form of business. What had once been thriving commerce was replaced almost 30 years ago with an open black market in constant competition with itself and made up of mafiosos, street gangs like ours, criminal syndicates, loosely affiliated volunteer groups, home businesses, and the occasional private company if they deemed it useful to descend to the street level and deal with us plebs. Mostly, though, the top-of-the-line stuff stayed up in the self-sufficient arcologies and megabuildings. It wasn’t pretty down here, but we were, for the most part, out of corporate control, for what little liberty that afforded. The Street brawls were just entertainment.

I've spent so long with some characters I wanted to play that I realized they're no good as PCs anymore. My attachment to them is so deep that I wouldn't be able to shrug off bad things happening to them in a game, and they're designed for 'a' game of my ideal choosing. But I feel uncertain about converting them to characters in... well, fanfiction. Obviously as PCs they're a little more snowflakey than a proper character. Do I simply own up to it? I was so excited to play them and yet this feels like the right way to let go of them for good.

>>96279781
What's so bad about them that you can't play with them?

I explained in that post...? What was the idea of bumping with that?

>>96279195
Yeah, it's not earth-shattering, but it's okay.

>>96279781
>Obviously as PCs they're a little more snowflakey than a proper character.
A big chunk of fantasy literature is authors putting their special snowflake characters into stories they're basically just writing for themselves.

I think that if you're that invested in them, you shouldn't be worrying about whether they're too snowflakey to write a story for.

File: 1310489129037[1].jpg (661 KB, 1920x1080)

661 KB JPG

>>96295510
Nice pic. I'd love it if more people posted art; sometimes it's just me.

File: 1664965246987365.jpg (412 KB, 1920x960)

412 KB JPG

>>96299830

>>96293174
I think I need to do a heck of a lot of rewriting later down the line. This is only my second attempt at writing a novel, and I only have a rough outline of this portion of the character's life, seeing as the book will skip around a bit through a period of about 4 years of the character's life.
Simplifying it, Street Thug>>>Gang grows>>>Gang gets taken out and MC is left with nothing>>>War breaks out>>>MC left with no choice but to join military>>>MC is involved in Op gone horrifically wrong and mutilated>>>MC becomes cyborg>>>MC becomes war hero>>>MC becomes disillusioned with increasingly irrelevant military as corporate securities militarize further and outpace military in effectiveness>>>MC begins life as nomadic biker.
Following the conclusion of the story the MC will be used as an NPC for the tabletop game who just pops up now and again as this legendary old world guru/badass to dispense advice to players learning the ropes.

File: c3eb039eff63f0771d12e73fc(...).jpg (350 KB, 1000x1000)

350 KB JPG

>>96299830
Sure thing, I will post more. But I like landscapes, art or photo.

>>96301536
Yeah, that seems like a solid character arc.

>>96300534
>>96302169
nice

Question for writefags. Is there any author you rec for their prose?

>>96307518
No specific recommendations, but imo best thing to do is to try to make characters speak and act like normal people do, not some movie characters. Unless there are good reasons for them to act different, of course.

>>96291160
Bumpfag will ask you questions he already knows the answer to purely to get you to reply to him.

>>96307518
Prose is a meme. Focus on content, prose comes as a result of learning to present content.

>>96307518
Cormack McCarthy. Cumbersome to read, but it became my favorite after I got used to it.

His style is also a useful tool for writing dialogue. If you can't make out which character is speaking without indicators there's likely a problem with your dialogue.

>>96307518
I think it's important to read a range of authors; you really want to be giving yourself a broad pool of experience to draw from rather than focusing on one in particular.

However, it's funny that >>96313238 mentioned Cormac McCarthy because he was going to be top of my list. He has a very different, very distinctive style compared to most authors. I personally didn't find it cumbersome at all, though; its sort of a stream of consciousness thing and if you just go with the flow it starts to feel natural pretty quickly.

I'd also recommend Terry Pratchett as someone with quite a distinct voice (whose works are a lot less depressing than Cormac McCarthy). You might also want to try some older authors, like Twain and Dickens. 19th century authors tended to write prose that would be considered overly flowery these days, but the good ones were able to get more out of the language that way rather than just sounding verbose. I wouldn't suggest copying them, but taking some light inspiration from them wouldn't hurt.

>>96314374
Yeah, absolutely. I think range is really good. It's why I try to read a bit of everything, especially older authors and non sci-fi/fantasy stuff.

The big thing is learning how/what they do, because it's fun to learn what makes their techniques work and how I could use them/take them in a different way

>>96311966
Sure you need content, but prose is a fantastic delivery mechanism and way or prettying it up

nighty night...

>>96316596
Prose is the grafix of the writing world when it comes down to it. You are sacrificing a lot of more important things if you obsess over it too much.

File: IMG_3136.jpg (54 KB, 1023x434)

54 KB JPG

Born Under a Black Sun‘s first draft is finished. 99,000 words, 360 pages. Now I must give it a lookover, because I'm sure earlier chapters can be touched up
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/93931/born-under-a-black-sun

>>96324056
Good work.

Gonna crosspost a bit about my endless internal "test" fanfic multiverse, the inimitable Doing-Things, the absolutely bonkers fuck child of /a/, /d/, /k/, /m/, /tg/, and a little bit of everything else. There are currently four main Doing-Things series, for which I will post mild spoilers, and will need multiple posts for (it's that big).

Doing-Things EX/DTEX: The original. Basically the tale of the Doing-Things Club, a bunch of eccentric, crazy, meddling high-schoolers (a recurring theme in DT) in a very post-WWZ California, more specifically the South San Francisco Bay/Santa Clara County. Highlights include running over tentacle monsters with a salvaged British light tank, running car chase/gunfights with street gangs, and PT boat battles between the U.S. Navy and People's Republic of San Francisco (the Peeps).

Doing-Things H/DTH: A sequel to DTEX, and the first to include "H" PROMOTIONS scenes, thanks to an argument I had with some /b/tard about writing fap-worthy fanfic; I tried to make the sex scenes unfappable but the pilot episode ended up so good I just ran with it. This one's set in basically the same area but many years later, focusing on a very unusual special education class made up mostly of nonhumans such as Drow, Mind Flayers, ghosts, maidroids, Orks, futa vampire schoolteachers, and so forth. Shenanigans include huge mobile suit/naval battles between the U.S. military and the Peeps, modernized coastal monitors with CIWS guns and VLS, large-scale zombie battles, bus chases through shopping malls, school board inspections, gym teacher MASTER ASIA, GEKIGAN GRENADE LAUNCHER, and nearly the entire cast of Gundam Seed Destiny NOT being dumb. The first "kitchen sink" series where tons of existing franchises got thrown in willy-nilly, setting the tone for all later DT installments.

And yes, it gets even crazier. I'll post more in a few minutes, gotta wait out the timer and get my copypasta ready.

Here's the synopses for the other two Doing-Things series.

Doing-Things H EXCESS/DTHE: The longest and most seminal DT series, based around a rather unique schoolboy/country kannushi/STALKER and all the absolutely crazy people who populate his tiny post-SW1 town in the CentCal-Nevada Designated Habitation Region, and the DT universe in general. Sort of a small-town story at heart, with loving families, tight-knit communities, local clergy, pocket Glocks, phased plasma rifles, mobile suits, VFs, X-Wings, starships, Macross-class SDFs deploying Reflex Itano Circuses, autograph fanboy Gamlin Kizaki, Emperor Lelouch the 1st, The Magician somehow does come back, Reinhard orders a PLANET DANCE, Mace Windu and Tequila Yuen fucking up Zeon remnants, The Battle of Axanar, and oh fuck its all completely out of control help help. Notable for adding vastly more fictional properties to the crossover mix.

Doing-Things H Wanderers/DTHW: The current series. A sort of culmination where tons of characters from many previous DT installments (including side stories and abortive series "pilots" that never made it) come back to form a multiversal intervention force of sorts, and get embroiled in a massive multiversal war that's currently underway. Highlights include a retelling of SAO that's basically Warthunder.exe, LONELY SOLDIER BOYYYYYYYY, MIIU operators basically going full SG-1, a RAF Boulton-Paul Defiant kamikazeing into a Garuda aerial carrier, FPA M4 Sherman prototypes with Gundarium Gamma armor and firing 79.2mm rocket-assisted laser-guided HESH grenades derived from Meltrandi weaponry, Catch You Catch Me E1M1 Remix, the Battle of the Philmarilion Nebula, and the deployment of the newly-reformed Thirteenth Autonomous during Operation MYSTIC CRUSADE, aka doubledumbassonyou.wav. Note that DTHW includes Movie The 1st, which is the 240-page monster.

So yeah, it's absolutely bonkers.

>>96324056
Impressive. I think this may be the first completed novel that's ever come out of these threads. I'm almost certainly never going to have time to read it all, but keep us updated.

Also, nice cover art. I think you made the right choice in the end.

>>96344197
>>96344240
It honestly makes me really happy that 4chan is still capable of producing stuff like this. Links?

>>96042773
So..I have a question for those of you working on stories that take place ( for the most part if not completely) on off-earth locations/alien worlds/planes of existence. Do you plan on or have you considered at some point working on a kind of consistent series of historical events with world wide relevance? or maybe adding a dynamic of an 'X' number of humanities that have come and gone, each having their own number of 'era' relevant events that get rediscovered and lost in a self feeding loop? Have you not even considered these things at all or are they just of no significant relevance to your story/characters/narrative style?

I'm working on my own and it takes place on a previously barren alien planet so I thought Id flesh things out starting from their myth of creation down to the current story's era/events, adding elements of magical realism and blurring the line between myth/pre-history and recorded history. Of course itll draw a lot from earthly design since the 'humans' of my world are fashioned after earth humans as it is customary on most sci-fi, of course with a degree of variation as to not make it so bland.

Thanks in advance.

>>96348665

I generally don't share Doing-Things outside my close circle of friends. It's always been my kind of personal writing sandbox, where I can try out all kinds of textual experiments and story concepts without worrying about every anon on teh intarwebs bitching to me about how I didn't include their waifu, or how I'm a massive bitch for not writing anime white supremacist Turner Diaries fanfic like they jack off to on /pol/, or other shit like that. I mean I effectively took DT friends-only after the annoying /b/tard argument that led to DTH, and other attempts at posting DT snippets have usually led to just getting the thread trolled hard in very tiresome ways. That and I feel people often get bored when slogging through my long, slow progression as a writer (I started writing Doing-Things around 20 years ago, and it shows!), as the fairly primitive nature of early DT can be kind of off-putting until you get to where I feel I started getting the hang of things. Also, the various Doing-Things series are so heavily chronologically interconnected that jumping directly into a later series will usually leave you lost and confused. It's an experience best started at the beginning, and that loses people because I was still learning how to write. Hell, I'm still learning.

Doing-Things is basically what happens when an autist with a history degree ends up writing old-school kitchen-sink crossover anime fanfic with "lemon" porn scenes and massive amounts of action. It's definitely a throwback, and people say you either love it or hate it.

That said, if you're really interested, I might post some of the quick one line greentext copypasta summaries posted on /m/ earlier. I'd have to think hard about posting any actual content. I've been bitten a lot and am definitely shy about that now.

>>96349636

I actually have a little experience with this. I tend to create a functional fictional history of the universe I'm working in if it's going to be an important spot in whatever you're writing. If you want it to be interesting, you need to get at least a little detailed; not too much but enough that it's better than a handwave for explaining the current era. Then again I'm a history nerd so that colors my views on it some.

File: luis-corte-real-conan-com(...).jpg (449 KB, 842x1191)

449 KB JPG

Currently working on laying out a framework for a setting that can best be described as "prehistoric fantasy." Actually, that's just what it is. Stone Age in the fantasy genre with elves and dwarfs and orcs and dragons and all of that. And dinosaurs, can't forget the dinos.

Some of the ideas I've gotten cooked up as a frame work is: magic is real but lacks the arcane type study of it and druidism/shamanism is the prevailing flavor of how magic works.
Tech levels: Humans are stone to bronze age and shamans.
Elves are solidly in the bronze age and powerful druids.
Dwarfs are perhaps in the late bronze/early iron age and their tech may as well be considered magic by the others. It's not infallible but its reliable.

Dragons are fucking huge, cults abound, the gods are real and numerous. Langue, is the next thing to figure out. I don't think I'd get much engagement if the main character used Grug speak all the time.
Though it worked well for Ayla in Chrono Trigger, but other characters were more verbose.
This is just for me to write some stories, short or otherwise. Hopefully something other people will enjoy.
>image unrelated somewhat

>>96346710
cute
>>96356266
Conan ass is always related.

We finally made it to the climax of the drama triangle, and I'm looking forward to these important, unfolding scenes as much as I dread writing them, fearing that they sound much better in my head than they actually are.

>>96359367
It was meh.

>>96359367
There is trope/cliche writing that is unnatural and there is realistic writing.
How to achieve realistic writing all the time - I do not know.

"The Barbarians of the wastes are a yearly threat. Every year we lose friends and family to murder or kidnapping at their hands. Every year, on our behalf, Arcaneopolis' soldiers drive them back, laying waste to the mass of the barbarian horde. Yet, every year, they again invade consistently, and without fail, their numbers refreshed anew as if they've never lost a man in combat. Such is our reliance on the city. Such is our lot in life. Such is the nature of the barbaric wilds, and the savages it inflicts upon us." - Aldrus Carverson, Elder of Stonefield, 466 A.F. (after founding, the founding of the city state [Arcaneopolis]), 28 days before his death.

>>96389871
Nogak of the Ash people returned home, his prize in hand. A woman of the village. The raid was good. Women, tools, weapons, Animals and produce had been gained in quantity. The Ash people would have an easier season. Good, this was good.

The woman struggled, speaking weakling language in weak tongue. This was not a real woman. Ash people produced real women, but the real women could not serve the men. On adulthood the real women went into the caves below, to become one with the metal god. In exchange the metal good produced a glut of Ash boys who would become men, and girls that would be raised and submitted to the metal God at adulthood.

By the metal God's power the Ash People always had enough numbers to invade. By their numbers, they always stole enough to survive. Though few survived, there was always enough taken to provide for the serving men, and most importantly to provide for the growing Ash boys and Ash girls. The weak women stolen were for entertainment.

Nogak of the Ash people had a weak woman servant already. He did not need this new one. This season Nogak's son would become a man. Nogak would award his son this weak woman if he passed the trial of manhood. If his son did not pass, Nogak would not have a son until the metal God awarded him a new Ash Boy to raise. If his son did not become a man, then the weak woman could be awarded to another, who did become a man.

Ash Village, in the Ashen Wilds, near the Season of Invasion's end.

>>96389876
"On the day, the twelfth day of the third quarter of the 523rd sun cycle, I write to you, Master Aljonder, on behalf of the city defense. Master, my analysis of the Guard's performance this cycle should not be surprising. They easily laid waste to the invaders, and damage to the crops, farms, and mines tended by the parasites in the village below were minimal.

After a careful analysis, weve found the guard well trained, their gear in good condition, and they’ve requested the usual pay raise. While it is true that the Guard performed well, I cannot recommend the raise. These Guardsmen are from the city's lowest tiers, only machinists in subtiers are lower, if you discount the village parasites. These low tier men if the Guard are already privileged to serve our city's defense. They don’t need more pay, and i must any, any request fir updated armaments should be ignored.

For one guardsman, i would make an exception. Kiri of the Blue Lotus. Despite the disgrace that landed him in charge of the western city defense . . . he is family, from the same tier I was born on. His handling of the city's western wall is competent and deserving of reward.

As to the matter you requested, Master, I've seen to it personally. The expedition team is funded and geared. I've secured an airship fitted to the task. The anomaly in the wilds, whatever its nature, will be revealed.

They're waiting on the guide. The wait will be worth it, the guide is something if a tamed native. Quite a useful find people familiar with the wastes are a rarity. They launch in two days.

I'll report again after they launch.

Until then, be well Master." - Yulia of the Blue Lotus, born of the seventeenth tier of Arcaneopolis, 523 A.F., thirty days before her execution, by judgement of the council, for forbidden research. Her Master, Aljonder of the Black Spire, is still at large.

>>96389889
Kournikov stood at the entry, waiting for his appointment. The dark, polished stone of the floor gleamed under the dim firelight cast from bronze brassieres. The larger interlocked stones of the walls were broken by narrow slits, allowing a view of the city below.

Sadjat City, a beautiful, if unpolished, gem cut from the wilds. Kournikov's home for so long as he'd lived in, and served, the bronze built kingdom of Yjat. Small, by standards of the magitech powered city-states, the people of Yjat made do by the sweat of their brow, none commanded magitech here, save for what junked scraps of it they'd imported, a thing only the richest families could afford.

The doors opened. A man stormed out, clearly frustrated with his meeting. Within those doors was an office, and a small bronze skinned man with dark hair, and darker eyes. Vulkjat, advisor to the King. Kournikov shared the man's coloring, though not the advisor's slight figure and short stature.

>>96389923
"Ah, Kournikov, just the man I wanted to see."
"My pleasure," Kourn replied, scratching the back of his head as he entered, "how may I be of service?"
"A report, if you please, on the efforts of our little faux rebellion against Arceonopolis. Please," he gestured, "sit."
"Gladly," Kournikov sat before the advisor's desk, fruitless as ever, though the intended effect is very successful. Peoples of the villages surrounding the city-state see us pretending to be one of theirs, fighting in their name, and pitying their lost kin. There's an ever-growing decent in their working class, that we encourage. Sadly, sir, we're still far from our true goal."
"For all the junk the city dwellers dump, they're frustratingly careful that weapons aren't among the refuse." Vulkjat spoke this, lost in thought, rubbing his chin. "What is there to the report of upset in Stonefield?"
"They seem to be after a girl there," Kourn replied, "our scouts haven't relayed further message of the matter, but I already gave them orders to find out more, and nab the girl if possible."
"Any enemy of the city is a potential ally . . . " Vulkjat said, "see to the matter personally. I want to know what has them so worked up by a mere girl. Take the Hunter, it'll be faster."
"The airship? Is it working? I thought it was a wreck." Kourn was amazed.
"I'll give you the details on your return, quite the story. Go now, don't dally, I want to know everything" Vulkjat smiled.
"Yes sir," Kournikov replied, standing and bowing, "right away."

>>96389932
Lena of the Red Hawks stood at the edge of the western wall, overlooking the sprawling lands below. The city of Arcaneopolis glittered behind her, its high towers and polished domes casting long shadows in the early morning light. The West Wall was the city’s first line of defense and Lena’s domain, a position she had fought tooth and nail to secure.

Her blood-red hair billowed in the wind, a striking contrast to her pale red skin and deep red eyes. Despite her delicate features and soft appearance, Lena was a force to be reckoned with—a Stone Bearer, one of the few with the power to wield a bonded mana stone. The sphere, etched with ancient runes, glowed faintly at her side, a testament to her mastery and the fierce trials she had endured.

"Captain Lena," a voice called from behind her.

She turned to see one of her lieutenants, a burly man named Rook, standing at attention. "What is it, Lieutenant?"

"We've received new orders from the council. There's a girl in the village of Stonefield—she's carrying something the council wants. We're to retrieve her immediately."

Lena’s eyes narrowed. "The council didn’t specify what she has?"

"No, ma’am. Only that it’s of utmost importance."

Lena smiled, a cold and calculating expression. "It doesn’t matter what it is. Our mission is clear, and we will complete it. Ready the squadron. We leave at once."

>>96389948
Rook hesitated. "There’s one more thing, ma’am. Intelligence reports suggest that the rebellion might be interested in the girl as well. They could complicate matters."

Lena’s smile widened. "Let them try. We’ll crush anyone who gets in our way."

As Rook departed to prepare the soldiers, Lena looked back over the wall, her thoughts drifting to her family. They lived in the lower tiers of Arcaneopolis, far from the wealth and privilege of the upper echelons. Her rise to power as a Stone Bearer had brought them some measure of respect, but it wasn’t enough. She needed more—more power, more prestige—to ensure her family’s future.

The mana stone at her side pulsed with energy, a reminder of the trials she had faced to claim it. The mana sprite within was a constant presence in her mind, a silent judge and occasional ally. She had bested it in the trials, earning the right to etch her spells upon its surface, but she knew it was always watching, always waiting for her to falter.

“Let’s see what this girl has that’s so valuable,” Lena murmured to herself, turning back toward the city. “And let’s see how many obstacles we can clear along the way.”

>>96389871
>>96389953
This is pretty great. Lots of good worldbuilding, but doesn't waste time with exposition. This is a really good start to a story.

>>96399668
My hope is to tell a single tale from multiple perspective. They see its beginning middle and end as outsiders that occasionally directly interact with the core; some in reports, some in more direct accounts. I want to recreate the uncertainty of history and the moment. Something has occurred, but the interpretations of it, and how they're used, vary.

>>96401082
How do you retcon the use of the term Barbarians in the setting of Arcaneopolis or even the greek root -polis? Is it just an older forgotten name for some earth location/culture? is it an alternate earth? does it even matter? I feel these things matter, specially in an un-earthly setting and because of it I spend a great deal of time working the granularity that is language and the seemingly endless subcategories that come out of it(numerical systems, calendars, economics, sciences, politics) its a 'problem' that works like a self filling cup on an endless loop as much as it can be a tool for controlled exposition.

Also, do you plan to use some kind of main protagonist that persists throughout the entire story? It sounds like its more of a setting narrative being told through different accounts as opposed to a character driven one, I may be wrong.

>>96401642
I've always taken the position that the linguistics of a setting should reflect whatever real-world culture it was based on (if any). So if it's typical Medieval fantasy that feels like Central Europe around 1400, place names with endings like -burg and -stadt, and character names with a general Germanic feel. Likewise, if there are pagodas and wingless dragons everywhere, character names like Li Feng and Fa Xizhang would be more appropriate.

If he's taken inspiration from a Hellenistic culture, then it makes sense to borrow Greek linguistics.

>>96045376
based

>>96401642
I never plan to step into the shoes of the core character, you're right that it's outside accounts.

>>96405007
The two of you bring up good points. In simple terms the use of the language is for the reader, not for the setting. It can be assumed that in setting their language doesn't much resemble ours anymore. The settings is far, far future, after high, high technology has collapsed in a magical cataclysm that changed the basic rules of what worked, and didn't. This lead to generations of missing history.

Language persisted, but it was the language of a unified, global people on the verge of greater things beyond the world of their evolution. With access to combined histories of what came before. The current people have no such access. I considered creating in universe terms, but found reading through it cumbersome for test readers. No matter whether it makes sense, something like savage or barbarian or uncivilized just work so much better, instant recognition.

The basic issue of the story is that the magical power sources used to provide the 'magically high tech' people with conveniences and niceties are fading.

The girl is a scavenger, once of many, who go through the waste and trash disposed from the city to sell in the villages and towns between the city states and kingdoms. This allows some of the lower people some level of tech mixed in with their more primitive lifestyle. There aren't really any schools though, so the people with know how outside the cities are rare. The girl doesn't know, she just scavenges and sells, she's not special.

She finds something that wasn't meant to be disposed of one day when scavenging. Something people from the city are looking for. Pretty simple concept. The thing is related to the power issues of the city. It all ties together fairly well. her story is simple, so fleshing out the different factions that seek to benefit from what she's found is the meat of the story. How and why they pursue and conflict.

>>96407117
Sounds like a pretty good foundation to build a story on.

>>96423390
Imagine the work that the modern world could rally to create something like that machine. How much more precious would it be when the work required is magnified a thousandfold?

>>96435620
Play the song of your people.

>>96435620
>Y'all is in the wrong swamp, ya hear? Best turn around and head on back to the city now.
>[strums banjo aggressively]

Would it be too weird for a fictional setting to just use our Latin? Yes, there was an ancient pseudo-Rom, and of course they spoke a different language. And that is still used for religious texts, scientific scripts, as lingua franca etc.
I'm not afraid to come up with my own grammar and words. Did that in the past, creating some grammatic rules for just two or three sentences. In this case, it's just a couple of words. And it would make sense for the people in the book to use their Latin-variant for these words in this context.
My problem is both that I never learned Latin. So either using it directly or coming up with my own Latin would probably end up amateurish.

>>96453972
I dont think its weird at all, I mean Im franken-riggin some PIE/Greek/Spanish and maybe a pinch of latin or italian(mostly combining prefixes and suffixes till I get something that sounds nice to the ears) to device most of the languages in the world, with PIE or rather pseudo PIE being the origin of everything. I'd say go for it. I would like to hear your thoughts on naming customs though, numerical systems and time measurement, thats where Im at right now.

I have a rough idea of what sort of things Id like to emulate for instance I think Ill go with a base 12 number system which eventually and thanks to story progression falls back into base 10 system. Not sure yet about the time though, its a binary sun planet with no moons, in ancient times it lost one of its suns so I kinda want to try and imprint that into the 'wonders' of the world, all somehow leaving a record of that celestial body 'loss' incident.

As opposed to one of the other anons posting here, I am going with a sort of a main protagonist plus several coprotagonists sort of setup. So yeah, I think its probably better to come up with your own faux latin and call it something else, inevitable the more educated audience will probably deem it 'totally not latin' but as long as it aids your story-telling, I tihink its fair game.

Not a linguist myself btw, just an autistic bilingual literal who.

>>96454963
Changing numerical systems through the story sounds whack as fuck. You probably still have a nighttime with your binary suns. You could divide the rest of the day into three: for instance, a time when only one sun is up, a time when sun A is rising and sun B is sinking, and another for sun A sinking and sun B rising. Might change with the seasons and time of the year. Make all phases (inlcuding nighttime) roughly three hours and you got your 12 again.

>>96453972
I think Warhammer 40k came up with the best way to explain this: it's not *actually* Latin, in the same way that what most people in the setting speak isn't actually English. It just bears the same relationship to the common language as Latin bears to English, i.e. an ancient language that's now dead and only spoken by priests, historians and mystics.

>>96459995
40k is supposed to be our universe, so the answer doesn't really apply to my fantasy fiction.
And this isn't about in-universe justifications, this is about how it appears to the reader. This is about authenticity of the world. Suspension of disbelief is weird for sure. I can read a whole fantasy book in my native language, knowing that these people speak their own language. But the moment there would be actual French, Italian, Latin, any real life language, that would throw me out of the experience.
Which is already the answer I needed. Will work on some fictional Latin. Just need to make sure that it sounds "right", meaning it strikes a good middleground between our real Latin and a fantastical version.

>>96463971
It doesn't make a difference whether 40k is set in our universe or not, though. It's a meta-explanation for the reader: because the rule books, novels, etc of the 40k setting are written in English, even though that isn't the language the characters are actually speaking, their 'ancient mystical language' appears in the books as Latin. It works for any setting just so long as the work is written in English.

Although that said, it works much better in 40k because of the heavily Catholic undertone to the whole thing. I think it comes down to how close to Medieval Europe your setting is. If it's typical high fantasy, which sticks very closely to a Medieval European theme, then I think just plain Latin could work.

However, I think your solution is the best anyway. If someone else did want to use Latin in their Medieval fantasy setting I would defend it for the above reasons, but it is much easier just to sidestep the whole argument by creating your own language.

I do not give a fuck that one of my characters might be overpowered. He's not the main character, and I simply need to throw even bigger bullshit at him.

>>96485219
Thats a good approach, however Id be careful to not fall into a Hellsing/Alucard situation. I mean, it gets to a point where being so overpowered just trivializes hardships entirely and it becomes sort of a joke. The same could be said about the Femto/Griffith situation, unless you pull some kill-you-no-matter-what-idium argument, you just cant solve it. Now if that character you worked on goes on to become your antagonist and then from that level you work your way down/backwards? to then build your main character..that could be an interesting path to tread upon.

I mean Im going out on a limb here assuming your setting asks for a protagonist/antagonist formula, it may not even be the case.

File: acrassan-acrassan.jpg (586 KB, 1920x1357)

586 KB JPG

>>96485377
That's very funny, because it's a vampire story. Tried to restrain myself by making it so that vampire bloodlines have specific powers, with variations within that power based on the individual. So you won't have vampires do seemingly everything like Alucard or the original Dracula.
He's basically the secondary protagonist, with the actual protagonist being a regular mortal. Half the book he has been lauded as this great, respected vampire guy and it was just fun finally letting him loose and put some threat into the trash bin. Arguably a bit of a sue, maybe. But if you don't let have some vampire display some cool powers, what's the point? I will give other characters time to shine.

>>96485377
I swear I threw Hellsing in there because its a really great example on OP characters, but man..these coincidences just give me the fucking ju-ju creeps shiieet. Ok, silliness aside, I like where you're taking the story anon, specially this kind of less demi-godly vampires. I may be wrong but what you described reminds me of vampire the masquerade maybe? like with the x power per bloodline plus variations, that can be pretty fun to write.

I dont think you'd necessarily push the character into a mary sue-ness status, specially if you first present and elaborate on the human protagonist and THEN you introduce the coprotag in all his grandeur. In a way its also kinda similar to the Castlevania-Trevor-Sipha-Alucard formula and I agree theres no point on going with a vampire story if theres no showcase of their powers or their longevity, I say have fun with it.

Its kinda of a trope but the hunter/'prey' interactions are pretty fun too if worked correctly, kind of like Van Helsing/Dracula, of course there was more to it with the whole Gabriel backstory but thats part of it.

Kind of a silly question at this point but is it a book or a comic/graphic novel format you are working on?

>>96485444
brainfart #12 today, apologies.this reply >>96486106 was meant for you anon, not for myself kek.

File: helena-nikulina-oc-commis(...).jpg (182 KB, 1060x1200)

182 KB JPG

>>96486290
Don't worry. It's the sixth novel I'm working on. This project has been a lot of fun so far. Never worked on something vampire-related and can't really say that I have been hugely into this topic before as well. But it's a timeless classic, and still so much you can do with it.

>>96500657
Do they wear the hats in the car?

>>96503282
technically according to witch regulations they're supposed to wear the hats at all times except in pagan temples, but then technically they're supposed to travel by broomstick. They get around this by transmuting a broomstick into a car, and by dedicating the car as a shrine to Hecate.

Being a witch is very much like being an Orthodox Jew.

>>96507276
Except the hereditary rules are enforceable and breaking them removes your witch powers and possibly get your soul stolen through your butthole, depending on how you broke them.

What it feels like to be a miner in Warhammer 40K -

You don't know what a star is.

You don't know what a planet is.

You don't know what a surface is.

You don't have a name. All you have is your identification; NW46-193541946105. You have no idea of what it means. It's always been tattooed on your arm as far as you know.

The only taste you've ever felt on your tongue is the bitterness of the gruel you're given twice a work cycle, the stillness of recycled water and the acrid tang of stale air.

The only way you understand words is through osmosis with your elders, the barked orders from overseers and the prayers for the Emperor you've been hearing at the end of every work cycle ever since your consciousness awoke.

Your mentor, an elder veteran tells you that you're lucky, your maturity appointment is scheduled in only twelve cycles. He tells you it was the happiest moment in his life.

You've known your mentor as far as you can remember. There were many like him before but they've all died or disappeared. Your mentor tells you in hushed tones he envies those lucky ones who merely died crushed by a rockfall, immediately snuffed out when rocks caved their skulls in.

You look over your shoulder to make sure the overseer didn't hear either of you. You know that those who complain disappear, never to be seen again.

When you've had your maturity appointment you understand what your elder said. But you still shudder at the sight you weren't supposed to see. Galleries of racks filled with cries and sobs. It's been haunting you ever since.

You try to forget that sight, else you fall short on your quota. And you know what happens to those who fail their quota.

Soon enough, your elder dies in a rockfall and it's your turn to teach, protect and guide the little ones through your work.

>>96514519
Meanwhile on Holy Terra
>why do we have so many Chaos rebellions? Why the hell do people keep siding with the mutated psychopaths?
>idk, it's a total mystery.

I've finally decided to write a proper ending for a short story I wrote related to my worldbuilding project (I wrote an ending for it before, but it was rushed since I just wanted to finish it and move on, and I was never happy with it), but I realize I have no idea how to actually write myself out of the situation without doing a full rewrite (Ideally I'd just discard the rushed final chapter but keep the previous ones). So I wanted to ask for some suggestion on how I could resolve the situation.

The summary of the story is that it takes place on a planet that was the site of a territorial dispute between humans and an alien civilization. The humans eventually agreed to give the aliens control of the planet in exchange for some other favors, with the caveat that any human colonists who had already moved there could stay if they wanted and were allowed to set up an autonomous local government. The protagonist is a negotiator from Earth who is supposed to negotiate a trade deal between Earth and the aliens, using some legal technicalities with the status of the human colonists to bypass normal trade restrictions (the details aren't important here). However, some of the colonists aren't happy with the aliens pretty much sticking them in a reservation and taking the rest of the planet for themselves, and there's guerrilla rebels who are secretly supported by a faction in the colony's military and parliament. And unknown to them, they're actually being manipulated by a faction of the aliens who want the humans off the planet completely, and are trying to engineer a conflict they can use as an excuse to demand a military crackdown on them.
At the point where the story is now the protagonist has gone with the colony's prime minister to talk to the alien government and was convincing them to consider signing the deal, so the conspiratorial faction panicked and convinced the human rebels to start an open revolution and overthrow the colony's parliament.

>>96521826
Ran out of space before I actually got to the question, though I think it should be clear: how the fuck do I solve the situation without the conspiracy succeeding and a war breaking out?
The obvious answer is for the conspiracy to be uncovered, but I can't come up with a satisfying way for the protagonist to discover it and get the evidence needed to convict them. At the moment he is only beginning to suspect such a conspiracy may even exist, due to some suspiciously timed events (mostly the rebellion breaking out pretty much the exact moment the alien government had heard his proposal and was considering it). Maybe another faction of the aliens could help him, but resolving the whole thing with "they got a bug in the conspiracy leader's office and recorded incriminating evidence" isn't a very satisfying ending.

>>96521826
>>96521859
What's the point of the short story?
I don't mean this as a criticism, or saying that this is a dumb waste of time. What's the theme? What's the message?
Because I feel like thinking about this will either lead to an answer on how to resolve this. Or you find that, if the story evolves naturally, a war is simply the logical outcome of the story.

>>96527184
Honestly, I didn't start with a specific theme or message, it was more that I wanted to write something about my setting that isn't the sort of "in-universe history articles" that I normally do, and flesh out the the alien culture and some of the events in the setting timeline by showing them from the point of view of the people involved.
The trade deal that's mentioned was a note in the timeline as one of the first steps towards increased contact between the humans and the aliens, which before that point had maintained a more isolationistic policy towards each other (and had their relations strainedby the border dispute), and I figured that since it was something that would take place in a limited amount of locations on one planet and involve a relatively small cast of characters it would be easier than setting a story during a major interstellar war with dozens of major players and action occurring in multiple star systems simultaneously.

>>96528146
Oh, and I should probably mention that in the original ending, the one I'd want to replace because I wasn't happy with it, the war does happen but the humans convince the aliens to not wipe out or deport all the colonists but reinstate the pre-coup loyalist government (with the implication that the aliens from now on maintain much more scrutiny on them, effectively turning it into a puppet regime). However, the reason I wasn't satisfied with it was that since none of the characters I had focused had any military background and they wouldn't be anywhere near the front lines I would either have to invent an entirely new cast of characters and tell the war from their perspective, or just write scenes of the characters sitting in a boardroom and hearing about how the war was going. I ended up switching back to the "future history" style and giving a short synopsis of the war before timeskipping to after it, but that felt like a jarring change in narration style.

>>96521826
>>96521859
I think the most narratively satisfying way to do it, and the best way to keep the main character at the centre of the action, would be for the plotters to decide that since the main character has been investigating them they need to kill him. And in trying to kill him, they expose themselves; had they just left him alone he probably wouldn't have been able to find hard proof, but then they wouldn't exist as an organisation in the first place if they didn't choose killing people as their first option to solve a problem.

Their willingness to resort to violence is their own downfall.

>>96453972
I would recommend not to larp as Tolkien if you are not into languages.

>Been writing my novel for like 3 years now
>Still only at the 1/3rd or 1/4 mark because of burnout
>Haven't typed a word in like 6 months
I know exactly how the novel is going to go, and it's all in my head but I just fucking struggle to get it out. Then I do type it out and what I've typed is shit and I hate it and scrap the whole thing. Having mental fatigue/exhaustion from my regular job makes it a lot tougher as well, since by the time I do get a chance to sit down and write, it's like all the energy and "skill" for a lack of a better word, is gone. So I just write slop. How the fuck do I get over this hurdle. Drugs?

>>96533983
Force yourself to write, but start with the details to get the flow going. Once it starts flowing, it's easy to write.

At least that's how I do.

File: b_mrmr02-1952601290577760(...).jpg (69 KB, 1255x1002)

69 KB JPG

So, I wanna try writing a campaign using Warhammer RPG, but for Final Fantasy.
To keep it simple, it's a bunch of pencil pushers and whatever "white collars" background that are conscripted in the penal legions, and essentially put in charge of really ingrate missions, like scouting beastmen positions, or putting thralls to work, but without magic, so they have to improvise with fuel, gunpowder, and bandages..