>Be me.>Mercenary Captain Jr.>Son of the legendary Mercenary Captain that took Entilement Keep from the an army of soldiers, undead, orcs, and demons years ago and was made a lord of those lands.>Today he rules from his castle as a noble while I continue the family name in his honor.KeepTheTraditionAlive.tapestry>Rumors have been spreading through the land that Entilement the IInd yet lives, changed into a vampire and terrorizing my father's lands.herewegoagain.shieldpainting>I've taken up my father's sword along side some of his men and plan to lay siege to his new dark fortress of evil.>After days of travel we arrive at his new castle in the dead of night with a storm raging and set up to lay siege to the vampire's lair.>This will be my first siege, hopefully I can make my father proud.First Siege: https://desuarchive.org/tg/thread/68686655Second Siege Pt1: https://desuarchive.org/tg/thread/92674836/Second Siege pt2: https://desuarchive.org/tg/thread/92694865/
>Bez me>Eadless Deff Knight Ead Taker (formerly known as Warboss Ead Basha from the previous thread)>Afta dat humie git took my ead an axe da Nekromansa rezer-- reso-- raso--zog_it.cavepainting>Brought mez back te loif>Iz now no longer da warboss insted work fur em leading ez skrawnie bones>Get cool armor an skele horse do so derez dat>Ead ez now juz sum blue foier>Iz wn te find dat humie excusioner dat took me ead an fire axe, but da boss wantz me te elp out one uv ez ladz>So iz taken de boney gitz te defe-- deepen-- errr stop gitz frum messen up da rock struksha>Ard te fink wif no ead>Hope dat excusioner git shows up again zo iz can ave a rematch
Bump.
>>96858097>Be Horetta III, Lord Entilemen IInd’s Daughter-Wife, High Priestess of Non-Denominational Evil >Chilling out in the Dark Fortress of Evil, doing unspeakable things to the latest bunch of elf prisoners we captured >My husband-father-brother is around here somewhere, many years ago we fled his previous castle to make our home here >After several of my attempts to usurper him fell apart due to improbable chains of events, I decided that I find theology is more interesting to me than politics anyways >Why become Lady and legalize a few types of degeneracy when you can become a priestess of evil and tell people that the dark gods expect all sorts of degeneracy in their honor?>Besides, there is something about his crooked, tumor encrusted cock that really does it for me, I haven’t been able to recreate it on other beings, no matter how good by transmutation spells get >Too bad the rest of him is so ugly though, it is just as well he isn’t my actual father, just my half-sibling, nephew, and probably a few other things too >Anywho, back to work I guess, it isn’t easy being high priestess to every known dark god, demon, devil, eldritch horror, immortal lich, unseelie fairy, hag, genie, or other evil spirit willing to trade power in return for prayer, sacrifices, sex, or sex adjacent activities >Suddenly three of my slave-servants (the three I grafted together for funsies) run into my evil temple-laboratory-sex dungeon and tell me that Mercenary Captain Jr. and his army have finally made it through the Evil Forest and are now laying siege to the Dark Fortress of Evil>Oh goody, about time, the trap is now set >Did those fools really think it was a coincidence that none of the restless dead, dark fey, or hungry monsters that dwell in the Evil Forest chose to bother them during their march?
>>96863675>Say goodbye to any supply lines, rearguard, or orderly retreats you were hoping to have, now that you are pinned between the Evil Forest and the Dark Fortress of Evil, it is you that is besieged, and any who are taken alive will suffer a fate so horrible even I haven’t dreamt it up yet >UnhingedEvilLaughter.exe
>>96858097>Be Starbright Nobleheart, Apprentice Mage >By the Mother Goddesses and the Non-Binary Gods and the Holy Animal Spirits, who could imagine that a land this foul could even exist?>Back in my homeland, the multicultural magocratic city of Dreamwoke, everything is clean and progressive and modern and magical >I really should have just stayed there, but no, I had to “explore” and “broaden my horizons” and “push my limits” and get a job as Court Mage in the only shit hole backwater enough to employ a young apprentice as a senior court official >I had thought things were bad in the capital of the nation only known as “The Kingdom”, but once I arrived at my new home in “The Castle Formerly Known As Entilement Keep”, I discovered that humans could in fact become more filthy, moronic, and inbred than even the worst goblin tribes >Seriously, most of the inhabitants of the “Former Entilement Lands” can’t read, can’t write, have no knowledge of basic biology or hygiene, have never left their home village, have never slept with anyone who wasn’t a sibling or first cousin or a farm animal, and never seen a woman with skin darker than curdled milk >If I get called “drow” or “demoness” one more time I swear...>Nevermind >The story gets even better >It turns out that as bad as the “Former Entilement Lands” are, there is an adjacent territory that is even more impoverished, ignorant, and inbred, and it is known as the “Evil Lands”>The Evil Lands are home to all sorts of evil creatures, and the degenerate previous rulers of Entilement Keep have rallied said evil creatures to cause all sorts of problems for their former subjects >So the new ruler of the “The Castle Formerly Known As Entilement Keep” has sent a small army under the command of his son to besiege the “Dark Fortress of Evil” and rid the land of ...evil >Seriously, who comes up with these place names?
GIVE THEM TO ME
>>96863903(continued)>In addition to his hired mercenaries, the new lord also conscripted a few people to help round out his forces, including a few orc berserkers, dwarf engineers, “elf” guides, and myself obviously>Not that it will help much, if the stories are true, not only are we outnumbered, but the enemy has all sorts of powerful witches, vampires, werewolves, werebats, hags, phantoms, liches, demons, devils, and who knows what else at their disposal >We are so fucked>So far not too much has happened though, aside from heavy rain, tents that keep getting blown down in the wind, deep mud mixed with fecal material, rotting food, and no sanitation whatsoever >Who would have thought even “The Castle Formerly Known As Entilement Keep”'s smelly outhouses would seem like a luxury >Speaking of which, it may be time for another trip to the privacy of the woods
>>96861661>>96863677>>96863903>>96863928>Be Mercenary Captain Jr.>The siege is actually progressing surprisingly well.MFW>Well... wellER than I was expecting given the stories I heard of the First War and my father's siege years later.>The orc mercenaries my father hired are being very well behaved for green skins (probably because they're only half orcs but they don't like people bringing that up), the dwarfs have been a huge help setting up the siege equipment, and the elf guides have mostly shut up given how evil and corrupted these lands are.>Rain is still annoying and has caused us to rebuild the siege equipment multiple times as they sink into the mud.>After a couple days of firing rocks at the fowl keep, I hear a loud "Waaaaaaagh!" from deep in the dark forest and see a horde of skeletons lead by a very bulky dullahan on a skeleton horse charge our backline cutting off our supply lines.thisiswherethefunbegins.bardballad>I find my helmet and order the half orcs to the back to stop the skeletons while the dwarfs start loading their blunderbusses with black powder.>Where's that damn wizard my father hired?
>>96863677>>96863928>>96865144>Be The Pumpkin Man>I forever roam the Evil Forest looking for Pumpkin Brides to drag back to my Pumpkin Realm >That deranged slut Horetta tells me to stand down until the mercenary army is deep in the woods, at the walls of the fortress in fact >Fine by me, it is easier to behead people, drag them to the ritual site, and bring them back as Pumpkin Brides and Pumpkin Slaves when everyone is distracted by a good fight or an even better spooking >After several days of lurking in the woods, Horetta finally gives the signal to attack >Rather than use her more subtle allies like myself, the Slenderman, the ghosts, the evil fairies, and the rest of the sneaky hunter types to slowly chip away at enemy morale, she sends in her pet dullahan and a bunch of skeletons to attack the mercenary army from behind, while encouraging her other allies to attack where ever they see openings to do so >Not what I would have done, if they drive off the skeletons it might boost their morale rather than sink it, but I suppose with an enemy army this big you might as well throw in a few big attacks every once in a while, otherwise it will take forever to whittle away at their ranks, and it is not like their isn’t a shortage of bodies in these woods that can be brought to life as basic skeletons and zombies >But at least I am now off my leash so to speak, it is time to hunt for some Brides>I spot an exotic looking human woman preparing to relieve herself, and an attractive elven sentry nearby sneaking near her, trying to get a closer look >Elves are dime a dozen in my harem, but few are as attractive as that one, and I have nothing that is even close to the exotic looking human >This is perfect >EvilPumpkinLaughter.exe>I gather a few skeletons, ghouls, and evil fairies to keep the pair distracted while me and some Pumpkin Brides get into position >I need to be careful, I wouldn’t want to damage their torsos too much before I take their heads
>>96865487>Be Princess Primrose of Twigsprout Kingdom >I am currently doing sentry duty in the wretched Evil Forest because I got in a fight with my bitch sister, the Queen of Twigsprout Kingdom >It seems my sister has developed the same strange insanity as our late father, an obsession with deliberately placing their own kind in harms way in hopes of causing illicit romances, or outright rapes, that will apparently lead to the prophesied rise of a human-elf-orc master race that will conquer the region >It would also be racial and cultural suicide for us, though to be fair, there isn’t much Elven culture left Twigsprout Kingdom these days>Our ancestors made the mistake of mixing bloodlines with a powerful nymph, and now most of our kind carries the “Elven Curse” of extremely high libido, short attention spans, and cowardice, which when combined with the traditional Elven pride, love for political maneuvering, and sense of invincibility can often make for a bad combination >Even worse, three quarters of our Kingdom is now female, and the Elven men who carry the Curse are highly feminine, usually gay, and have single digit sperm counts >Only the traditional Elven disdain for other races has kept our Kingdom from completely dissolving into a roaming mob of whores, scouring the land for suitable non-Elven mates >But my sister the Queen is slowly chipping away at this disdain by promoting the worship of the Elven Goddesses of Fertility, Beauty, and Artistry, by bringing back very revealing fashions, by sending random minor nobles as untrained diplomats to neighboring lands, by provoking fights with orcs, humans, and other rapey races, and by sending military aid to anyone who could plausibly be called an ally >Those who disagree with such policies are often the first to be conscripted into the latest military adventure >And that is why I am sitting in a forest, half-naked, in heavy rain, doing sentry duty like a common born
>>96866183>Since I wasn’t able to bring my maid/lesbian lover with me, I am also incredibly horny, but I have old political grudges with nearly every other elf participating in this siege >And nearly all the humans are very ugly, and unfortunately male >But there is one human that has caught my eye, a mage from some far off land with exotic looks and an understanding of basic hygiene >Not that I would ever touch a human that way, but I am sort of curious what she looks like beneath those heavy robes >Oh look, she is coming this way for a bathroom break >I really shouldn’t >But I find myself sneaking closer for a peek anyways >Oh how the mighty have fallen
>>96863928>>96865144>>96865487>>96866196>Be Starbright Nobleheart, Apprentice Mage >I find a suitable spot in the forest, only to see one of those strange underdressed elves lurking nearby >Ugh >I suppose it could be worse though, I went deeper into the forest than I had planned, and who knows what could be out here >Like those two skeletons sneaking up on the elf >Wait, what?>I draw my wand and unleash my most powerful spell >”Magic Missile!”>Two glowing darts smash into one skeleton, exploding it, while the third dart knocks the head off the other >Something jabs me hard in the right buttock >I turn around fast, but there is nothing there >Then I see a spiky looking fairy swoop in to stab me in the eye with a sword that looks like a thorn >”Ahhh!!!”>”Mage Armor!”>A thin invisible barrier envelopes me just in time and the fairy’s sword scrapes my face but doesn’t cause damage.>Not fully trusting my magic to protect me, I also put on my thick glasses to protect against any other attacks to my eyesight >I try to swat down the fairy a few times, but it nimbly evades my hands >I then realize that several more skeletons are pulling themselves from the earth all around us, plus an ugly looking creature that might be a ghoul >Oh shit, I already used both my spell slots, only cantrips left now >Uhm>”Expelliarmus”>The sword the nearest skeleton is holding goes flying, as does the skeletal hand holding it, but the skeleton behind it just picks up the sword and now has two swords >Uhhh>Not good
>>96865144>>96861661>>96866943>Be M4rcenary Captain Jr.>The half orc auxiliaries are doing a fine job holding off the hordes of skeletons.>The dwarven gunline managed to fire a first volley giving them a second to breathe >The buff dullahan is still charging though. >I manage to find a horse near one of the trebuchets and mount up drawing my sword.>Still wondering where the mage went then I see a couple magic flashes coming from the evil forest.Thatseaslikeagoodplacetostart.banner>Order a couple of my men that aren't doing anything into the forest to find the mage while I get ready to do my best to hold off the dullahan.>Gods willing they can do something about the undead before I actually have to fight that beast, but it's important to keep up appearances for moral sake in these times.
>>96866196>>96866943>>96867182>Be Princess Primrose of Twigsprout Kingdom >The exotic looking mage fires three magic missiles my way >Well that is a massive overreaction, you could have just said “go away”>The missiles miss, but then I am showered with bits of bone >From the skeletons behind me >Whose presence I was totally aware of this entire time >Damn Elven Curse >I draw my sword and smash apart two more skeletons >Normally a sword isn’t a great weapon against an animated skeletal opponent, but the bones on these ones seem as brittle as dry twigs, and it doesn’t take much to put them down >All those little bits of bone getting stuck between my skin and my armor is starting to get uncomfortable though, and I yet again curse the impractical design chosen by my sister the Queen >Four more skeletons smashed and two spiky fairies slashed in half later, and I find myself facing my first true opponent, a ravenous ghoul, whose claws I slice off one at a time as they sweep at me, before I finish it off with a decapitation >And then I find myself facing my first true true opponent, an elf woman in a ragged and very revealing dress, carrying a sword and wearing a pumpkin on her head >No wait, that is her actual head >Naturally I have heard of the Pumpkin Man and the peculiar form of necromancy he uses >I should have known that a battle taking place in the Evil Forest would attract creatures of such power, but the prospect of facing the Pumpkin Man himself still makes my blood run cold >Nope to this >I turn to run, but one of my stupid heels gets caught in that stupid dangling cloth thing >By the time I rip it lose, the Pumpkin Bride has closed the distance and is engaging me in a furious sword fight >She must have been quite the fighter before she died and was reborn, I probably knew who she was at one point, there are few fighters of note in Twigsprout Kingdom
>>96868012>Or maybe she is from some other Elven Kingdom, one of the ones that aren’t completely messed up >One minute of furious sword fighting later and all we have inflected on each other is a few minor cuts >Damn high heels, even one of my skill and agility is hard pressed to fight with these on in this muddy terrain >It doesn’t help either that skeletons keep jumping on me to try and distract me >Suddenly a few human mercenaries show up and start fighting the remaining skeletons and ghouls >I manage to punch the Pumpkin Bride in the “face”, then spot two more Pumpkin Brides approaching and flee back towards the main group of human mercenaries >The exotic mage and the recently arrived mercenaries will hopefully slow down the Pumpkin Man for a long enough that I reach the safety of the milling masses >YourSacrificeWillBeRemembered.exe
>>96866943>>96867182>>96868023>Be Starbright Nobleheart, Apprentice Mage >The Elf swordswoman kills several opponents before getting caught up fighting a strange woman with a pumpkin for a head >She is really good at this, unfortunately I am not >I spend what seems like an eternity essentially playing “tag” with a bunch of skeletons while being tormented by a pair of fairies who seem to have the ability to cause tree roots to silently lift up and try and trip me >There are also a few ghouls and pumpkin headed people standing nearby, watching the sword fight between the elf and the pumpkin headed woman, if even one of those creatures comes for me I am totally dead >And then several human soldiers show up and slay most of the skeletons harrying both myself and the elf >But this prompts the ghouls and two more pumpkin headed people to rush into the fight >Also the elf flees >A pervert and a coward>The elves here really suck compared to the ones in my homeland >I prepare to sell my life to give my misguided rescuers a chance to flee, but instead the human officer pulls me onto his horse and tells me the leader of the mercenaries needs me to defeat the dullahan leader of the main skeleton horde >The what now?>The officer rides his horse back to the main battle while his men get swarmed by ghouls and pumpkin people SorryAboutThat.exe>I don’t have time to dwell on the fate of poor arms men for long as it quickly becomes apparent things aren’t going any better elsewhere on the battlefield >Skeletons are swarming everywhere and only the half-orc beserkers are holding them off >Then I spot what must be the “dullahan”, which looks like a heavily armored large orc with no head riding a skeletal horse >Oh geez, I don’t think even my magic missiles would have done much against that thing
>>96868376>Naturally the officer charges his horse right at the “dullahan” while yelling “Cast a spell” over and over again at me >Oh geez, oh crap, oh shit....>Uh... “Expelliarmus!”
>>96868023>>96868387>Be The Pumpkin Man>Silently kick myself for letting both potential Pumpkin Brides get away >If only I hadn’t become so engrossed by the sword fight between the elf and my favorite Bride >Oh well, I will just have to disperse my followers among the swarming tides of undead and evil creatures and hope that another opportunity presents itself
>Be me>Wicked Willy Wilhelm the Wizard>My tower is still damp from my last apprentice flooding it>I could ponder the orb while he fixes things but sitting in a cloud of mould is unhealthy, even for me>Time to go for a stroll>Cast a spell that will take me to the most inconsequential place in all the world>Why inconsequential do you ask?>Why, so I can have fun without any consequences of course!>Appear in a gloomy forest with a crack of thunder and the yelling of smelly mortals in the distance>Where am I?>Who cares, I'm going to find out!>But first, this weather is boring, I'm going to summon more wind and rain, enough to make a cyclone!
>>96868023>>96869118>Be Princess Primrose of Twigsprout Kingdom >I found a nice spot on a rocky outcrop in the midst of the allied human army to sit and regain my composure >The battle is not going great, but it is not going terribly either >Not that I care very much as long as there is enough surviving humans to shield me from any serious threats >Hmmm, the rain and wind certainly seem to be picking up though, I wonder if someone pissed off a druid again, or maybe the occupants of the fortress have weather magic >The rain is coming down so hard and so cold that it is making my exposed skin go numb, and the wind is strong enough to whip my thick, drenched hair into my face every time it changes direction >The visibility is so bad even my Elven eyes can’t see far >After a particularly strong gust of wind almost lifts me off my feet, I decide to seek shelter >I spot a deep but narrow crevasse in the rocky ridge on top of which the Dark Fortress of Evil sits >That seems like a good place to hide as long as it doesn’t get flooded out or is filled with monsters >I make my way into the crevasse and sigh with relief as soon as I am out of the stinging rain >Almost instantly I spot a small cave on the side of the crevasse that looks a tad too artificial >Upon closer inspection, I realize it is a cleverly disguised drainage outlet, sewer, or ventilation shaft, probably the last one as it neither smells like shit nor any water coming from it >I wonder where it leads?>It will be a tight fit, but it will be worth it to be out of the rain, and even more worth it if it allows for infiltration into the fortress and thus give me a bunch of glory without having to do anything particularly dangerous >I take off some of my more cumbersome and impractical pieces of “armor”, and start crawling
>>96869633>After a few minutes of scrapping my knees and palms crawling through the slightly downward sloping tunnel, I notice it getting warmer and slightly smoky, but also thankfully wider and taller >And then I see the bats, and the large spiders, and the bats stuck in spider webs, and the tunnel bottom is now covered in guano >Gross >It is still too confined in here to turn around, so my only options are to keep crawling forward through the bat guano, or crawl backwards back out into the cold, or just stay put in uncomfortable, cramped conditions >Decisions, decisions
>>96868023>>96868376>>96868387>>96869118>Be Mercenary Captain Jr.>I watch in horror as the buff dullahan butchers his way through my men, somehow cutting off their heads with every swipe of his axe.fuckthis.oilpainting>I know there's no way I can fight something like that and try looking for a path of escape but find nothing.>Just then my second in command comes riding out of the woods with the mage on the back of his horse.>By this time the dullahan has reached the dwarf line.>"castaspell!castaspell!castaspell!castaspell!castaspell!castaspell!" he keeps yelling.>The mage says something and suddenly a second wizard appears out of lightning.>He looks around then casts his spell and the storm around us gets even worse.>It is getting really hard to see anything.>Bright side the big dullahan is no longer holding his axe.>I can work with this.>I charge in the direction I think the dullahan is in based in his blue fire head, trying to keep my horse from slipping in this rocky wet terrain.
>>96868387>>96869915>Be Starbright>The dullahan’s axe goes flying>Holy Goddesses, the spell actually worked!>Lightning suddenly hits a nearby trebuchet, sending burning splinters everywhere >The horse gets impaled by a particularly large splinter and falls sideways onto a pile of large rocks>Which means I also fall on the rocks with great forceUnconciousAndBrokenBones.exe
>Bee us >Bettur orcs beecuz we is moar cunnin'>Bettur humuns beecuz we ar mor brutal>Not "haf orcs" beecuz we is mor than orc>More than humun>Thas why we speek bettur then ithur>And thas why we ar the best at WAAAGH!>Bee Gashrog>Tha mersinary-boss of tha Black Toof Boyz>Get in a good scrap with sum livin bonez and a metal fiur-headed git>The Boyz ar havin a hapy time beatin the bonez>Bitey is havin a hapy time eatin skulls>I'm havin a hapy time stabbin bones with my stickur and my pokey helmit>Skelies ignor my pokin but bitey krumps them for me>Thas why I lov my bitey>Hapytimes.slightlylesscrudecavepainting>See the fiury git is krumpin all the boyz he fights>Thasnothapy.slightlylesscrudecavepainting>Sum new humun wizurd comes outta nowear and duz sum magic>Storm starts gettin reel bad>Thasnothapyatall.slightlylesscrudecavepainting>See humun on his horsey chantin a rite good warchant >The first humun wizurd is with him>The Fiury git throws his choppur away and stops krumpin boyz so fast>Musta ben the warchant>Sum dorf seege enjun gets zapped by lightnin>Wood spiks gose all ovur and boyz start dyin bad>Zogthis.warpaint>I figgur that me and the rest of tha boyz gotta krump that fiury git befor he gets his choppur back>Bettur not forgit that magic warchant>"Here we go boyz! CAZDASBELCAZDASBELCAZDASBELCAZDASBELCAZDASBEL!"
>Bez me>Eadless Deff Knight Ead Taker>Iz choppen alf blood gitz te bitz and stunties when I see de humie warboss>Iz raize me axe an charge de get, den ear sum humie warchant an me axe goez flying frum me mitsnotfair.undeadwarchant>bah>Don't matter none since Iz can juz sluggem good when he approches>Iz raize me fists and get ready te puch de humie boss git off hiz horse as he charges
>>96869118>>96869633>>96869915>>96870569>Be Wicked Willy the Wizard>A big old storm is brewing and everyone not already fighting is running for cover>Hehehehe, now to look at what we're dealing with>A horde of undead with a dullahan leading them is fighting the human-elf-dwarf-orc siege force in front of this obviously evil looking castle>Interesting, but I think it could be more exciting>Wave my hands and the skeletons aren't skeletons anymore>Their flesh has re-knitted itself across them and now there's an army of naked men and women fighting the mercenary army>they're still technically undead though, give it a day or two and all the flesh will start rotting off>also turn a nearby mercenary into a fluffy chair and sit back and enjoy the show
>Be me>"Sir" Kirk of the Coyotes>Boss of a warband called The Coyotes>Dubbed Sir as a mockery to all knights>Rag tag group of berserkers, a pack of coyotes and a druid who want nothing more then to fight and pillage >Heard about a castle run by someone with a black heart>Sounds like my kinda person to sort out a contract with>They live on the otherside of the Dark Woods>Well have no fear lads, let's go>We begin our long hike into the dark woods>Slaying anything stupid enough to try and kill dudes who get sky high on shrooms and their pack of animals
>>96863677>>96869643>>96871125>>96871350>Be Horetta III, Lord Entilemen II’s Daughter-Wife, High Priestess of Non-Denominational Evil >I am watching the battle unfold via my magic orb >I note that Wicked Willy has arrived and is making the battle more unpredictable in his own special way >Oh how exciting, who doesn’t love a wildcard?>The refleshed skeletons are amusing, but won’t change the flow of the battle too much, the flesh is making the undead more durable, but also slower, which cancel each other out for the most part >The storm is amazing though, I wish I had thought of that since the Evil Storm God is one of the ones I sacrifice to and may have helped out >So many evil gods to keep track of>Most of the besiegers are seeking shelter in the forest or the crevasses near the castle, while those who stay to fight are now badly outnumbered by... I am not sure what to call them... reflesh skeletons? naked zombies? >Those who flee to the forest will find it now full of ghouls, werewolves, hags, evil fey, and powerful evil creatures like Pumpkin Man, Slenderman, and their respective followers >Those who flee to the crevasses will find many of them filled with giant spiders, giant bats, lesser vampires, and ingenious traps >I also spot a small war band of barbaric looking types approaching the battlefield >Looks like Sir Kirk and the Coyotes, I have been meaning to recruit them for years >I send the floating, decapitated head of an elf maiden to go see what they want in return for their temporary loyalty
>>96871125>Be Dwarf Siege Engineer >Our small kingdom is known for two things, finding new ways to blow things up, and accepting money to blow things up>So naturally when someone wants to siege a castle, we get offered a large contract >We spent the past few days lobbing rocks at the castle with good old fashion trebuchets and catapults since it is too wet to safely use cannons >The castle is supernaturally durable, and I am pretty sure most of its occupants live in the dungeons beneath the castle and don’t care much if we wreck the surface portion anyways, but we get paid by the day on top of the victory bonus, so no need to point that out to the long-legs yet >This big mob of skeletons is a problem though, if they break the siege that means no victory pay, just the per-day-pay>Also the storm is becoming even more fierce >Lightning hits my trebuchet >Get knocked out and wake up face down in a puddle >Look around >Our position has been overrun by naked humans?>Most of them carry rusty or crude weapons, and a few have badly deteriorated bits of armor>A lot of them are fighting age human men, but some of them are women, and a few children and old ones too >Also some orcs, goblins, elves, and even the occasional dwarf, hobbit, or gnome >Their expressions range from vacant to crude caricatures of hate, focus, and cruel joy, almost like they forgot how their facial muscles work >Zombies maybe, but if they are they are in pristine condition with no obvious fatal injuries. I suppose knowing the reputation of the castle’s occupants, they may have found a way to kill without leaving a mark, and then preserve the bodies for fetish-y reasons >Where are all the skeletons then? Perhaps the naked people are the skeletons, but cloaked in some sort of illusion >One way to find out if we are dealing with a living being, zombie, or illusion
>>96876596(continued)>I take my wrench and swing it hard into the dangly bits of the nearest naked human male, using enough force to tear a large piece off >The individual seems unaffected, other than being knocked back by the impact >It definitely feels no pain then>I notice rotting flesh smeared on my wrench >Not an illusion either, unless it is a really good one >I swing again to shatter the thing’s knee joint, and then again to crush its skull, spraying rotting flesh everywhere, which seems to kill it >A zombie then, albeit one that is cleaner, and slightly smarter and faster than usual >I squint at my surroundings, trying to pierce the heavy rain >There seems to be a lot of the naked zombies on the battlefield, and a lot less allied mercenaries than there should be >No skeletons though, so I suppose that is something >I ready my wrench, and grab my steel mallet in my other hand >Time to kill some zombies
>>96870153>>96870569>>96871125(1/3)>Be Starbright Nobleheart, Apprentice Mage>I wake on a pile of rocks, in a world full of pain >The horse is dead, the officer is dead, my wand is missing, and I have a massive concussion, a broken arm, a twisted ankle, and a cracked rib >The only good news is between the horse’s body and the pile of rocks, it is hard to see me as long as I stay lying down>I can faintly hear some orcs chanting something that sounds a lot like “cast the spell”, but given how bad the rain and wind has gotten, they could be 60 feet away, or 600 feet >Also there are an awful lot of naked people in the direction the chanting is coming from, I am not sure what their deal is, but I see some of them finishing off wounded mercenaries, or hacking away at ones that are clearly dead, so they certainly aren’t friendly>The more I watch, the more unfriendly I realize the naked people are >There is something strangely bestial about their behavior, it seems to take them a long time to make even the simplest decisions, but when they do they move quickly but jerkily. Most of them swing their weapons rapidly, but with little flourish or variation, like a woodcutter hacking at a tree. What little creativity they have seems to be limited to random acts of cruelty, I spot one eating the face off a badly wounded man seemingly just because she could, and another stabbing a wounded elf up her rear with a dagger as she tries to crawl to safety, when he could have easily dispatched her more swiftly by other means>Also there are a few more naked people coming this way >shitshitshitshit>I roll closer to the horse, that way I can only be seen if someone is standing almost right next to me >I don’t want to die! And I definitely don’t want to be tortured to death! This isn’t fair! >Quick! Think of a plan!>Playing dead clearly won’t work given they seem to be systematically hacking away at every body they come across
>>96877092(2/3)>Fighting won’t work either, my wand is nowhere to be seen, and my sword arm is broken, not that my sword fighting ability was any better than “beginner” to begin with >Running away, not happening, between the wind, rain, and twisted ankle, even a slow walk will be pushing it >Uhmm >No! Bad brain! Think of something else! Anything else!>I can’t think of anything else though, and the naked people are probably on the verge of spotting me >Luckily I went commando today >Without getting up, I painfully squirm free of my clothes, boots, and jewelry >Then I get up on my knees, and start stabbing the dead horse at a steady, repetitive tempo with my dagger, trying to mimic how I saw the naked people rhythmically hack away at dead bodies >The nearest naked person is even closer than I thought they were, and an eternity seems to pass as I wait to see if my hasty improvisation fouls them >Shit, there is no way this is going to work, my dark skin will give me away, or they have some way of magically sensing their own since they clearly seem to be under some sort of magical control, or the glasses, shit, why didn’t I take off my glasses?>I glance up and see the closest naked person is now almost directly in front of me >Also he is a male, definitely a male >I try to keep my head down and the pace of my dead-horse-stabbing steady as ice cold apprehension fills every inch of my body >The naked man delivers five heavy blows to the dead horse with his rusty battleaxe, and another three to the dead officer >And then wanders off like I am not even there >Holy Goddesses! I can’t believe that actually worked!>I spend about a minute stabbing the dead horse, trying to keep my overwhelming sense of relief from being displayed outwardly >And then another minute trying to get my despair under control as I realize I am still in deep shit >Stay calm, things aren’t that bad
>>96877102(3/3)>You are only stark naked in a freezing cold cyclone, surrounded by naked mind controlled sadistic freaks, injured, almost completely defenseless, limping badly, shivering uncontrollably, hopelessly disoriented, in a slippery, muddy, corpse filled field between a monster filled forest and a monster filled castle, with glasses so splattered with blood and rain they are making your vision worse rather than better, with a high chance that any allies you do stumble across will mistake you for the enemy and shot or stab you before you have a chance to clarify matters >See, not bad at all >I think I am starting to understand why so many people have been saying “fuck sieges” over the past few days >I pick a random direction that seems to be heading away from the fighting and start limping towards it
>>96871350>>96875257>>96877114>Be "Sir" Kirk>Hacking and slashing at everything still and laughing like a maniac>God do I love being cruel >We Coyotes enjoy the thrill of sadistic barbarity>The Coyotes themselves are getting good meals from dead Mercenaries >A floating head approaches me and begins to speak>Its the familiar of the Lady of this Castle it seems>Wants to recruit me"Well for the loyalty of me and my men all we ask is for some gold and some maids to defile. Im sure you got some virgins who need breaking into">From the corner of my eye I spot a naked woman limping away from the battlefield>Even under the blood I can see some dark skin on her>How exotic >Order one of my men to retrieve her>I haven't had an exotic whore in ages not since the sacking of Wakali >Probably left multiple bastards there with some of the locals
Rolled 46, 96, 84 = 226 (3d100)>>96871125>>96875257>>96876596>>96877092>>96877171>be Wicked Willy the Wizard>Sorcerous trickster extraordinaire>sitting on my fluffy former-mercenary chair and sipping some cocktail beverages served to me by one of the naked former-skeletons>watching the battle unfold in the muddy downpour and zapping anyone who gets too close to ruining my view by turning them into a chicken>there is now a sizable flock of chickens wandering across the battlefield>suddenly notice that there's another magic user on the battlefield>almost didn't notice her she's so far beneath my power level>also she's naked for some reason>I like her spirit! That's the kind of whimsy a magic user needs!>Oh dear>Looks like she's running from some smelly peasant>That would be unfortunate, but if she wants to be my new apprentice she needs to show some initiative>Wave my hands and transport her and the peasant to a pocket dimension>If she can beat two of my three tests then she can escape!>If not, well, whichever of the two is left standing gets to return to reality>Meanwhile start opening a portal to the dungeon dimensions right in front of the castle walls, it's Halloween and nothing scary is happening yet>Maybe I'll even get a fright from something I summon, tee hee
>>96877114>>96877171>>96877553>Be Starbright>”Hey girlie”>I turn >A brutish man covered in blood and animal furs approaches>Strong rapist-cannibalism vibes>I turn away, hopefully he was talking to one of the other women>”Hey chocolate, the boss wants a taste”>Nope, he is talking to me >Shit, not good, either he sees through my disguise or he doesn’t care, either way his intentions seem less than honorable>I start limping away as fast as I can>And then suddenly I am in a giant bright white room with many brightly coloured boxes of various sizes>The boxes start popping open, revealing jack-in-the-boxes that all resemble an old wizard>”nice tits!” says the first>”great ass!” says one behind me>”peak a boo!” says a small one that pops open directly in front of me>I am suddenly a lot more self conscious, particularly in the bright light>”survive our challenges three and you will be free!” says a small all three jack-in-the-boxes in unison >This is so not good
>>96870848>>96871125>>96876596>Be merc Captain Jr.>Be charging huge dullahan through the storm with my sword....>Suddenly I'm on my back in the mud surrounded by naked humans and elves fighting my men. WhatHappened.KO>I sit up just in time for a head to get lobbed into my lap.>For some reason the teeth are still chattering like it's alive even though it's just a head.FuckingDarkMagic.Heresy>I lop the dead at the nearest naked man and it bites his junk, the naked guy doesn't even look down or screech as it dangles there.>Right, now that I'm thoroughly unsettled by these... things, I think it's time to form a shield wall.>I pull out my horn and blow the signal to get the fusiliers to form up around my position.>Hopefully any surviving ones can hear it though this storm and we can start putting down these flesh things in earnest.>No idea where the dullahan went, I must've slayed him then blacked out.YeaThatMakesSense.Gaslight
>>96877171>>96877553>>96878337>>96878898>Be "Sir" Kirk>Sent Uftar to go get that wench>Watch as he and the wench get sucked into a portal that appeared>smells like wizardry >Hope the wench doesnt get killed where ever she went>I've got a hunger>I then hear a war horn>Must be those mercs trying to do a formation>Roar a berserker war cry and begin to rush further into the fray>the pack of Coyotes yipping and barking joins my mens furious roars >Find some of the Mercenaries and begin to commit savage violence against them>Thank fuck I got high earlier makes it much more fun
>>96870569>>96871125>>96878898>Bea Gashrog>Storms stil bad but the boyz have started chantin too so its getin hapy again>Mor chanturs probly makes the chant mor powurfel>See that the fiury git is ridin away from tha boyz and twords our "imployur">Cleerly scayurd of the boyz chantin>Imployur ridin his horse right twords the fiury git>hes probly gunna get krumped>Then he woodnt pay us as much>Keep sum boyz behind to smash tha skellietons>Take some of tha best boyz with me and bitey to chase aftur that fiury git befour he kils tha imployur>"CAZDASBELCAZDASBELCAZDASBELCAZDASBELCAZDASBEL!"Bodyhorrorfleshgrowth.bonetotem>All tha boyz stop theyr chantin and chargin>Chant wuz too powurfel>Made the skellietons turn back into meat peepul>Theyar stil fiten us tooCunnin_processin.blankstare>Skeleetons ar prety eesy to krump if you whack them rite in tha midile they expload inta peeces>But meat peepul have meat holden theyr bones togethur, so yoo can only krump quick if yoo hit them reel hard>So the Boyz are gonna get tired reel fast and start getin krumped by tha mob of meat peepul if I don't leave enuf behind>and if we don't have enough Boyz inna mob tha fiury git is gunna krump the imployurWat_do.gitpost>"Zog it">Have the Boyz hold the line while I ride after the firuy git on bitey>Git duznt have his ax anymor so he shood probly be an eesy krump>The fiury git punches the imployur rite off his horse as Im ridin up behind him>I whack him as hard as I can rite as bitey tackles him off his skeleyhorse>My sticker scrapes rite off his armur and bitey cant bite throo it>Rigretin my desishuns
