>boss asks me why I'm constantly late>immediately get very defensive and claim memory loss
>>220747931every time I go out in public (1x per month or so)
>>220747931I’m a straight man but I find young matt damon really charming
>>220748032I don't think Jason Bourne did that.
he's so cool
>>220747931>wake up with a massive hangover>can't remember my own name or where I am>look in the mirror and notice a small scar on my forehead>try to speak German to see if I'm a sleeper agent>just make weird throat noises>realize I'm just late for my shift at Wendy's
>>220748169Jason Bourne can do anythingincluding fucking himself
>>220747931why cant I remember anything from any jason bourne movies? Surely I have seen at least one, or have I?
>>220747931>successfully parallel park on the first try>shift into park and turn off the ignition>Moby's "Extreme Ways" immediately starts playing on my phone's shuffle>stare out the windshield into the rain, feeling like a highly trained assassin>mom texts me to bring inside the milk
>get some rest, mom, you look tired>I say to her before closing her bedroom door because I still live with her at 40
>>220748512my wife is turning me into Jason Bourne
will we EVER get spy kino like this again?>>220748975kek
>>220747931I went to Europe once.
>>220749116Wholesome, you should appreciate your mom while she's around
>>220749442The American (with Clooney) and Ghost Writer, both from 2010.
>>220749527I cook dinner for her every night and never let her do the dishes.
>>220747931>walking through a crowded mall>hoodie up, hands in pockets, pacing myself to match the crowd density>spot a security guard looking in my general direction>instantly change course and slip into a Bath & Body Works to lose the tail>pretend to intensely inspect a cucumber melon scented candle for 15 minutes>guard walks past>successfully evaded the CIA
>>220747990lol
when I take a shit in a Barnes and Noble bathroom then leave without buying anything
