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UPVOTE! UPVOTE REDDIT STYLE

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>>222852809
Someone please post Soi Boy Harry Potter and a funny greentext

>>222853218
>It is Harry’s first breakfast in the great hall.
>The table is set with rashers of bacon, sausages, fried eggs, and buttered toast. There are steaming pots of tea, alongside sugar bowls and milk jugs.
>Harry just stares blankly at it.
>“A fair sight better than you’re used to at the Dursleys I expect?” says a kindly voice.
>Harry jumps, he had been so deep in his thoughts he hadn’t even noticed the headmaster stretching his legs over.
>“Well sir, it’s just that I can’t eat this.”
>“Trust me Harry, it’s allowed. I am headmaster after all.” says Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling behind his half moon glasses.
>“No I mean I can’t eat this because I’m vegan.”
>“Vee-Gann? Harry, I’m afraid I’m not following.”
>“I can’t eat any food made from an animal.”
>“Oh how dreadful! This is some sort of allergy? I know muggles still suffer from those. I’ll have Madame Pompfrey clear that up for you.”
>“No sir, it’s for moral reasons.”
>“Moral reasons? Well, now you’ve really lost me dear boy.”
>“Animals suffer when we farm and slaughter them. I prefer not to contribute to that. So if it’s not too much trouble could I just have some toast without butter? Oh, and some onions milk would be nice. But if you don’t have any, I can drink my tea black.”
>“What on earth is onions milk?”
>“It comes from Japan. They squeeze it out of a bean.”
>A dark shadow passed over Dumbledore’s face.
>“And this is how you choose to live is it? After your mother laid down her life for you?”
>Harry bravely met Dumbledore’s piercing gaze.
>“I like to think she’d do the same thing sir, in my position. How is my life different, to say a pigs?”
>Ron, deep into his third bacon butty, absolutely smothered in brown sauce, at least had the good grace to look slightly guilty.

>>222853908
>“How is a pig different indeed…very well Harry. I accept your point. We will provide you this vegan food.” said Dumbledore, suddenly returning to his normal, airy self.
>“On a happier topic, are you making friends at school?”
>Harry sighed with relief. “Oh yes sir. It’s great here. This is Ron. I met him on the train.”
>Fast as a whip, Dumbledore drew his wand and pressed it against the redheaded boy’s temple.
>“Abra kadabra.” he incantated, calmly.
>There was a blinding flash of green light, and Ron crumpled to the ground, lifeless.
>Harry sat stunned, trying to process several things at once. His first friend in the whole wide world was dead. And this must have been how his parents died. The green light from his nightmares. This is how he got his scar.
>Dumbledore served Harry a thick slice of buttered toast, and piled on a generous heaping of glistening, streaky bacon.
>“Now Harry, can I interest you in some breakfast?” he asked, pouring milk into Harry’s tea. “How about sugar? I like a builder tea myself. I’ll take that as a yes.” One by one he plopped four whole sugar cubes in.
>“S-sir, you killed him. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was just a boy. He was my f-friend, and you killed him.”
>“It’s no different than killing a pig Harry. You said so yourself. And we humans kill hundreds of thousands of pigs every single day. Why, even us wizards have factory farms. Wonderful places, where the process happens magically, and far more cruelly. Now, are you going to tuck in, or am I going to kill another pig? You need your strength after all. You’re a growing boy.” Dumbledore pressed the tip of his wand against Seamus’s temple this time.
>“Sir, please don’t hurt him! Please!”
>Dumbledore cocked his head, like a cat surveying a cornered mouse.
>“Another friend of yours is he? You’re quite the social butterfly Harry.”

CARMELAAAA

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>>222852809
Fuck you, faggot. You cant silemummmmhmm!!!!

>>222854033
>Actually sir, I don’t really know him that well yet. But we’re in the same dorm. His name is Seamus.”
>“Seamus. Well then, you’ll know him in death Harry. I see the faces of every man I’ve ever watched die swimming in front of me in my dreams. It will happen to you too. And I swear to fuck Harry, if you don’t eat up, you’re going to watch this mick die right in front of you, right now. Only I won’t be as merciful to him as I was to that other little piggie. No, this one’s going to burn alive from the inside out. Won’t that be a treat?”
>Accepting the inevitable, Harry shakingly reached down, and picked up the toast, bringing it to his lips. This was it. This was going against everything the Dursley’s taught him. His first ever taste of any animal product.
>And it was glorious. The soft, melting, creaminess of the butter, mixing with the crunch of the toast and the bacon. Oh, and that bacon! That salty, fatty, crispy bacon! His body, screaming out for nutrients demanded more.
>He looked up at Dumbledore, lost for words.
>“Try some with the brown sauce Harry” said the headmaster, dolloping it on.
>Harry took another bite, and it was even better than the last. Suddenly feeling a hunger he had never experienced, he gulped it down, slightly too fast.
>He took a big sip of tea to wash it down, and paused. Why had he ever been drinking onions milk? What had he been doing with his life up until this point?
>Tears streamed down his face. He wished Ron could be here with him, to experience this. He had been so wrong to doubt. Ron’s death was his fault.

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>>222852843
>noooooo why isnt this thread culture war slop like 99% of the website

>>222854186
>Dumbledore casually flicked his wand, and Harry’s plate of food and cup of tea vanished into the ether.
>“Very well Harry, you’ve made your point. Very brave standing up to me like that. Yes, very brave indeed. Fifteen points to Gryffindor. You will be supplied a healthy diet of vegan alternatives for the duration of your schooling here at Hogwarts. I expect you to uphold your moral commitment. You can be an example to us all. Why, maybe I’ll make the entire school vegan, and tell them all it was your idea. They’ll love that and they’ll treat you well when there are no teachers around. Of course, if you defy me, I trust you can guess what will happen to your little friend…Simpkins, was it?”
>“S-Seamus sir.”
>“I’m quite sure I don’t actually care Harry. And that’s not what I asked. What. Will. Happen. To Him?”
>“You’ll kill him?
> “Kill him? No Harry, I thought I was clear. I’ll cook him -alive - from the inside out. Then I’ll eat him. And then I’ll make you eat him too. A private feast for just the two of, in my office. Understand me?”
>“Yes sir.”
>“Excellent. Now what do you say?”
>“Thank you sir, for sparing his life.”
>“And?”
>“Thank you for agreeing to meet my dietary requirements.”
>“And?”
>“And? Thanks for the meal?”
>“AND?!”
>“Oh right. And sorry for being such a bother this morning sir?”
>“There we are. That wasn’t so hard was it Harry? Now if you excuse me, I’ll go talk to the kitchen. See if they can’t rustle you up something. Maybe a breakfast burrito, with quinoa and lentils. That would be nice, wouldn’t it Harry? Well? Wouldn’t it?
>Harry stared at his balled fists through teary eyes.
>“Yes sir. It would be nice sir. Thank you sir.”
>“We’ll have those manners of yours ironed out in no time at this rate! Well, tah tah!”

>>222853908
>>222854033
>>222854186
>>222854399
Funnier than most of the posts I seen here lately

>>222854490
*I've seen*

>>222852843
This is a potter board bro

>>222854399
>Dumbledore turned on his heel, and with a sprightly series of elongations of his lower limbs, he departed, whistling whimsically to himself as he gaily went on his merry way, without a care in the world.
>There was a spring in his airy loafers, the morning sun was breaking through the clouds upon the enchanted ceiling. The sweet smell of morning dew lay heavy upon the air.
>Despite the many years lining it, his face flushed rosy, a sharp contrast to the snowy beard.
>He had served as headmaster of this great school for over thirty years, and not a single student had ever gotten one up on him. >He had seen through all of them, just as he had seen through Potter’s pathetic attempt at insubordination.
>“Don’t want to harm animals, huh? Pfft. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. He thinks I can’t tell what he’s up to? Well, he’ll certainly never fuck with me again. That’s for sure.” He muttered, as serene as an unbroken reflection upon an oasis of still, clear water.
>and he was a good friend.

>>222854571
No this is a star wars board

>what mouth?

>>222852843
If even Reddit can tell it's funny why can't you

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>>222852843
tsmt

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>>222852809
shut the fuck up!