https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iR2lHC2T1PcMy entire personality could be symbolized with a multi-coloured jigsaw puzzle piece, so I really love and am obsessed with Morgan Freeman’s voice. I like to go on internet wikis and write cross-over Pixar and THX stories and throw Morgan Freeman’s voice into the voice of Tex, or Nemo, or even the old guy from Up. Sometimes I wish I could float in the sky while holding onto a balloon, but not right now, because all I can think about is how obsessed I am with Morgan’s voice. I hear it in my mind, sometimes. It told me to abandon my family, run away from home and join the circus, but it’s all cool. It’s kind of like having tinnitus, but instead it’s Morgan Freeman’s voice telling you to rob a convenience store or McDonald’s and make out with dogs.One day, I was beginning to question the things Morgan Freeman was telling me to do. I had just finished riding down Niagara Falls in a barrel and otherwise naked when the telephone rang in the phone booth adjacent to the falls. It was Morgan Freeman. Of course. “Uka Uka is up to his old tricks again, Crash.” Wait a minute, that wasn’t Morgan Freeman: it was Mel Winkler, voice of the tiki masks from the Crash Bandicoot video games. “I need you to ride back down the Falls and collect 55 wumpa fruit and smash 45 crates to collect a purple gem that could unlock a secret chamber in Neo Corte—““You’re not my father!”, I screamed, smashing down the phone onto the receiver, smashing it into pieces like cheap Chinese trinkets. I had begun to realize that I was actually quite psychotic and in need of therapy and, if it was somehow plausible, a time machine to make up for lost time. I had been wearing the same clothes for the past 7 1/2 years, my body odor smelled really, really bad, I had lengthy, twirling, unkempt fingernails that protruded not just inches but feet from my toes and my sandals—this was no way to live.
