All my life, people have assumed murderous intent in me. It's been used both in jest by friends and to bully me. I literally had the nickname "School Shooter" followed me from highschool to several jobs as an adult, everyone just independent comes to the conclusion I was a 'mass killer' type. Two different times I was playing Jackbox with friends, and the prompt "Point at the player most likely to kill somebody" came up and the whole room landed on me.It never really bothered me and I assumed it's just the way I dress or whatever, everyone who knows me even a little tends to describe me as 'overly chill.' I don't really get bothered by stuff and I'm not hateful, I only finally started to realize there was a 'problem' recently.I haven't been in a ton of fights, but I was talking to a friend about one time I fought a bully in Highschool. I was just casually talking about how I jumped up on his back and put him in a stranglehold before the teacher split us up, and my friend was fucking horrified. He asked me how I knew how to strangle someone at 16, started asking me what this guy did to make me hate him so much. It was just a rear-naked choke, I didn't "learn" it anywhere, it was just natural. I was mad at the guy for messing with me, but I didn't hate him at all, if anything it kinda upset me that it ruined our chance to be friends. But I was 100% ready to just kill him right there if the teacher didn't stop me. I never really consider that that wasn't normal, it's how I've lived my whole life.I want to kill people. Not because I'm angry or I like to make people suffer or for vengeance. I don't even really want to hurt anyone. I just enjoy the idea of killing people. I don't think a day goes by I don't imagine killing someone in some capacity. But I've always thought that was just normal. I figured everyone rides the bus and busies themselves imagining killing everyone else on board, that anyone who gets in a fight is thinking about how to kill the other guy.
Why did you allow other people to define who you are? Thoughts can sometimes be seeds that after a while sprout and then you become something other than your authentic self. I have had people tell me similar things my entire life, but I would not allow myself to continue to have murderous thoughts. Those types of things can consume you, and change the core of your being. It seems now you allowed a door to open, and honestly sometimes those doors can be very difficult the close. Personally I suggest finding a mental health professional who can help you sort through these things.
>>41348662I don't think I did. I can't remember a time I wasn't like this. I remember as a very young child, around 5, I was keeping a mental list of people I'd kill when I was older. I even wrote it down at some point, I remember it had my mom and brother and some other family members on it for what was probably silly shit like 'He didn't let me watch my favorite show' or 'Mom made me eat celery.' At some point when going through the list I realized it got really long and then also realized "Wait, what am I saying. I love these people, I don't want them dead." and stopped doing it.I kinda get the 'door opening' thing you're talking about. But at the same time, I don't know if it really matters. I know killing people is wrong, the same way I know rape is wrong. But they same way a man still feels sexual urges towards a woman who doesn't like him, I feel the urge of violence.I want to hurt people, but I don't want anyone to get hurt in the process. I want to kill people, but I don't want anyone to get killed. I don't really know how else to explain it. Asking me to stop thinking about violence would be like asking me to stop imagining the taste of soda. I get the idea, but it just isn't gonna happen.I saw a therapist as a kid, but for entirely different reasons. I never mentioned any of this kinda stuff to her because, again, it just seemed completely normal to me. With stuff like Rambo, John Wick, Walking Dead on TV, I thought everyone liked the idea of killing and we just all knew not to actually go through with it.>Those types of things can consume you, and change the core of your beingAm I not already consumed and changed, then? The only further step I could imagine is actually doing it, and despite how much I think about it, I don't think I would actually kill someone for no reason. I know that it's wrong and I don't want to hurt people, but in my head the morals don't exist, the people aren't real. I have the urge, but I also have control over it
>>41348567I look like a mob boss. People treat me like God. I love it.
>>41348782is the mob even a thing anymore?
>>41348729Anon, I promise I know what you mean. Idk, I guess for me it was something I never allow myself to entertain unless I was angry. It honestly scares me, so I would fight it. I've been told I have anger issues, but I'm literally the nicest person I know, but at the same time I let things build, and then when I explode, I just kind of go insane temporarily. Now I can feel when I'm getting to that level and I walk away and try to clear my head.The reason I suggested a mental health professional, is because I had a lady tell me a few things in a session a while back that has stuck with me and helps me during those times. I know many anons on 4chan hate any type of phycologist or psychiatrist, and I honestly don't necessarily mean anyone from those professions. The lady who helped me was just a licensed therapist (masters degree I think) so she couldn't prescribe medicine or anything like that.She told me that one time she was driving over a highrise bridge, and she thought, what if I just drive over the edge? I think this was after she had her license too.She then told me that we have thousands of thoughts everyday. I think she said around 30,000? I can't remember exactly. She then told me that a thought was just a thought. It doesn't have any power unless we act on it. People in general have crazy thoughts that they would never share with anyone irl, because of fear of what other people would think, but we all have them to some degree. So when shit starts to get crazy in my mind, I remind myself that a thought is just a thought, and I focus my intentions on calming down and trying to see things from another perspective.I hope this helps you in some way anon.
>>41348795Every country has at least one type of mafia
>>41348805That's the thing that's weirdest to me. If anything, when I get angry, I tend to stop thinking about it. I focus more on the moment and what's actually happening/can happen, and death really isn't a valid solution despite what people might expect. The only times I've acted on it are the couple times I've been in fights, but someone always steps in to break things up before it can even really get to that point.Violence is usually tied to anger, but it's joy for me. It's fun and exciting like a roller coaster.I think I've kinda come to the 'thought is just a though' conclusion already naturally, which is why I think I'd just be wasting a therapist's time (and my money lol)I don't ask "Am I crazy?" because I'm like, losing control of it. It's kinda the opposite. If I tell someone I think about killing people all the time, they will say I'm crazy. But if I'm in control of it enough that I never act on it, am I still crazy? Is it still a problem?Is a murderer who resists and never commits the act still a good person? Is there something wrong with their soul, if it even exists?It helps at least to know there's someone with similar thoughts that understand they have to control them, so thanks
>>41348805you're manic depressive
>>41349076I'll check into that anon. Ty
>>41348858You're welcome anon and honestly I was just hoping to help you find some balance. Fwiw, I doubt you're possessed, but honestly, I'm normally skeptical of things paranormal unless I have strong evidence otherwise. Idk, I guess if you were possessed, would you be able to try to rationalize any of this? That's just my opinion though anon.
>>41349255I don't really believe too heavily in demons or possession either, or at least, I don't believe spiritual stuff can actually affect our world. But I so often hear people say those kinds of things about people who have a mindset they can't understand, that they're a devil, they have no soul, sold their soul, ect, it made me kind of start to wonder. My mom was super into witch stuff, she had me make all her emails/password stuff cuz she was bad with computers and always had "666" somewhere in them. Just exploring what people would have to say, I guess.
>I literally had the nickname "School Shooter" followed me from highschool to several jobs as an adult, everyone just independent comes to the conclusion I was a 'mass killer' type.It's probably just autism.
>>41348567The instinct to kill is in all living things, although some are better at it than others. Most people are conditioned to feel intense guilt at the thought of killing. They are rewarded for being too timid to kill and punished for so much as gesturing that they may cause harm, so they take on the persona of a helpless baby. It's a legitimate survival strategy that puts the burden of killing on others, but the result is an intense insecurity about confronting fear which often causes them to be ignorant of threats until it's too late to intervene. Be grateful to know that taking a life is nothing more than a choice, but have enough empathy to ensure the choice is made thoughtfully if you value your life. Again, all have the instinct to kill, and some are bound to be better at it than you are.
>>41350875Isn't it usually for other species, though? I'd figure hunter's instincts would be to kill deer and stuff to eat, but I actually really don't like the idea of hunting. I don't enjoy the idea of killing an animal at all, just people.
You might have warrior gene.Better to play videogames to express it in a harmless way.You could also practice martial arts and become an instructor if its your talent.
>>41351462I took Karate up to a think Red Belt, but I quit because I couldn't stand how damn stiffy and itchy the Gi were. Now as an adult I'm too broke and busy to afford the time or money for classes, but I think I'd love doing something like that if I could get the time.
