>>31131856
Yes, and you should act on them.

>>31131856
From my experience it's pretty normal for women, especially when it's sex related or linked in some way to topics like cannibalism or serial killers. For men that is rare but they do get a whole lot more violently aggressive instead and they rarely hold back irl and on the internet.

Well, I would say so. Especially if youre in a highly-stressful country/city. "Migrants" are turning many cities into hell. Just one example. People who are impacted by "migrants" have every right to be furious.

>>31131869
Yeah, that sounds like what I’m experiencing lol I wonder why that is. I’ve felt so much guilt over fantasizing about retarded violent shit like fantasizing about being a serial killer lmao. It’s so weird

>>31131878
Lmao my violence isn’t impacted by racist feelings haha I assume it’s unconscious anger, but I don’t know why I have intense violent obsessive thoughts truly.

>>31131887
Well you better get it figured out if you worry about it impacting your real life

>>31131883
You shouldn't feel guilty about that all because by your own admission it's not something you ever plan on doing. That shows you are a good person with self control that just so happens to have socially unacceptable interests. A lot of women who have this kind of thing just keep it in the bedroom with bdsm/roleplay type of stuff or you know guro literature. There's a difference between fantasy and reality and that is what matters, how you explore it is a different issue.

>>31131899
It doesn’t impact my real life really. I just feel guilty thinking about weird psycho shit like shooting my boyfriend in the head sometimes. I love him, would never do that. I don’t even have the means to do that. I have empathy. I just have weird dark thoughts and I’m wondering if others have the same thing

>>31131856
Stop allowing fear programming to steal your limited attention away from you. Common sources of fear programming include news, politics, negative social media and friends who spend a lot of time consuming fear. Violence is used as a defense against something you fear. Is there a pattern in the targets you're choosing when you fantasize about violence?

>>31131909
Yeah, there’s a few patterns. Somethings I think about my parents or my boyfriend when I’m angry. I fantasize about shoving them down stairs or something quick. Nothing drawn out or anything. Usually those are just quick angry thoughts.

My drawn out fantasies, like the hours long ones, are all of attractive women typically lol.

>>31131856
Yeah sometimes. maybe every couple of days.
> Sometimes for hours, all day.
Not so much. Usually if I'm thinking about doing something really brutal to someone I want it over and done with in a few seconds.
Rarely sexual. More related to security. e.g. Sitting opposite a hobo who's staring at me on a bus or train.
> in my 30’s
Female testosterone peaks about this age. It's job is to make you take risks, make advances. Maybe related. That much of it is sexual suggests your body may be telling you it's baby time.

>>31131939
oh geez lol I’ve had long standing, detailed violent fantasies since I was 14. Maybe a baby isn’t what I need haha

I assumed the quick violent fantasies are relatively normal though.

>>31131918
You may have some jealousy or fear about your value. Do you watch true crime youtube channels or anything like that? It's common to fantasize about media we've consumed recently. When I was a boy I felt like Neo from The Matrix for a few hours after it was over. I used to have fantasies of sticking my hand into my father's carpentry machines. So in my case the morbidity complex happened at a young age and it was self-directed not at others. Actually maybe I hated my father's machines for taking his attention away from me.

>>31131918
>are all of attractive women typically
Competition.

>>31131989
Maybe that is true. I think you are right that I do feel worthless. Dumb, unattractive, shy, etc. I do compare myself to beautiful women a lot. I used to cringe at the term, but maybe there’s like an internalized sexism in there or something? I don’t know.

It’s interesting you had such a masochistic fantasy. I also have those as well, but they don’t bother me as much. Although I have acted upon those and they some were dangerous. I used to think that I was sexualizing my worthlessness and maybe I was, and still am with the sadistic fantasies

>>31132000
But why would it be so sexual if it was competition? It’s so weird how I fantasize in excruciating detail of sexually and extremely sadistically ruining a woman

>>31132017
You're a female misogynist? Lmao

>>31132017
Does your boyfriend look at younger women? Then it's normal to have violent fantasies about ending his life.

>>31132042
I think so. I don’t want to be. But I think I feel like men are just better, more powerful than women. In my long form, detailed fantasies, men are always the aggressor and abuser (except for me, although I’ve fantasied about being a man too weirdly enough - and no I don’t feel gender dysphoria). And women are always the victims (again this can include me). Women are always pathetic victims in my mind. It’s sad. I think I project maybe

>>31132046
Hahaha no, but if he did I wouldn’t care. I’m fairly open about sexuality. People will look and that’s fine

>>31132057
Ah, I thought you were always the aggressor in your fantasies. Do you enjoy them?

>>31132067
Sorry, I worded that weird - men are always the aggressor EXCEPT WHEN IT’S ME. I’ve also fantasies about being a man as well and abusing women. It’s about 75/25 right now. Im mostly the aggressor in the fantasies, but sometimes the victim.

I do love these fantasies. They make me feel powerful, but they’re so fucked up and I feel guilty having them.

>>31132024
> But why would it be so sexual if it was competition?
How's your relationship with your boyfriend going?

>>31132099
It’s okay. The most stable relationship I’ve ever had but I do have resentment there for a few things. I feel like he’s a man child sometimes

>>31132095
Are you always a man when you're the aggressor? It seems your problem comes from comparing yourself to others. Attractive women specifically, because you think they're sexier than you. You fear they will take away your sexual attention, so you fantasize about taking away their sexual power. Maybe you have a man do it becuase it feels less icky when someone else does it. When you become a man, do you feel more guilt when you're done?

>>31132095
Ah sorry I thought you meant 75% other men are the aggressor. Since it's usually you acting this out, maybe you think men won't be able to do it properly? That would be more of a personality thing, not necessarily sexist. Would it feel wrong if a woman was the aggressor? What if it was the most attractive woman you can think of? It feels wrong, right?

>>31132115
No, I’m not always a man in the fantasy, but a lot of the time I am. I think that actually makes sense maybe? When I do it as me I do feel more weird about it, but again I think that just has to do with some sort of weird abuser/victim sex stereotype dynamic.

Also when I have the short violent fantasies, like shooting my boyfriend in the head, or pushing my parents down stairs, I’m just me lol. Not another person in those fantasies.


So the short violent thoughts I am me agressing on people I know, but the long, detailed fantasies are either me or a man carrying out acts against people I made up. Idk I just thought that was interesting

Man I need to pay more attention. I didn't sleep well last night. Lame excuse

>>31132123
Yes, to me women are victims. It would feel wrong to imagine another sadistic women (except for me sometimes haha).

I will mention though that when I imagine I am a man it’s more violent than when I imagine myself doing it. Like the male stuff I am a serial killer type of fantasy, torturing women. I’ve had a long standing fantasy of me being a rich male serial killer who kidnaps, rapes, tortured and kills beautiful women lol. It’s so weird. Who else has this much brutality in their thoughts? No one would ever know I think about this

>>31131856
It's from anxiety. Find out the root of your anxiety. I had intrusive thoughts too (What if I push this old lady down some stairs haha, what if I kick this little dog, etc.) and once I sorted out my issues they went away. Now they very rarely show appear in my mind and I just allow them to pass easily.

>>31132126
One thing I noticed about fantasies with your family and boyfriend is these are people who might have some control over you. It's difficult to enforce boundaries with them because we value these people too much, so if they violate our boundaries we can feel powerless. Then it's normal to want to lash out, to assert ourselves as a way to punish them for ignoring that boundary. I think the violent imagery comes from somewhere else though like horror films maybe. The concern is obviously the possibility of actually acting these out. I say try to reduce the imagery as a first step.

>>31132127
I also am not good with wording things lol I apologize. My written communication isn’t the best

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>>31132024
>It’s so weird how I fantasize in excruciating detail of sexually and extremely sadistically ruining a woman
That perfectly describes competitiveness. You want to outdo them so badly that you are the one giving them what they crave now because you've surpassed them. You become the man and they become your playthings.

>>31132145
You have a beautiful imagination! I'm sure you're reading some serial killer romance stories or something lol. Are you published somewhere? I'd love to read this one lol

>>31132150
No, they’re not intrusive and I don’t feel anxiety about them necessarily. Like I’ve had intrusive thoughts like “what if I drive on the other lane of the road” and I have a panic attack trying not to think about it. But these are long standing, detailed, hours long, fantasies about violence. Not a “what if” it’s an indulgence in it. I just feel guilty having them lol

>>31132171
Haha no, I am terrible at writing and also I don’t think anyone wants to read my fantasies because they’re super fucked up and grotesque. And no, I don’t read fantasy about this either, funny though. I used to read a lot of true crime, though.

>>31132145
That's weird. To me men are the victims. We're cannon fodder while you get to jump Herr Schneider lol

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>>31132172
idk maybe you're a psycho bitch

>>31132155
Haha I never liked horror movies. I do think the family and boyfriend fantasies are guided by me being a pushover and not understanding how to enforce boundaries when I feel upset. So instead I fantasies about blowing their brains out haha it’s weird. How do I try to reduce the imagery? I’ve been fantasizing about this stuff since I was like 14!

>>31132196
What the hells a Herr Schneider lol

Also why do you think men are the victims? I view men as so much more powerful than me. I am weak and nothing compared to them lol. I can’t help but think of them as the ultimate abuser in my fantasies.

>>31132203
It helps to write it out. Preferably here.

>>31132162
You’re slightly off. When I am a man in my fantasies, I am a sadist. I do not ever give the women what they crave because I don’t care about them, I want them to suffer. I want them to beg me to not hurt them. I am not nice, these women in my fantasies don’t want me, I want to ruin them. Break their bones, rape them, suffocate them, stab them, punch them, hurt them, curse them. Who would crave that lol

>>31132203
Yes, by killing your bf and pushing your parents down the stairs (maybe they'll get to live) you're removing their control over you. The association with death is fascinating. Do you like Halloween?

>>31132197
This is what I’m worried about lmao I am so happy I have empathy otherwise I would be a mess

>>31132249
No, they don’t live in the thought. I don’t particularly like Halloween, no. I don’t like anything that’s not “realistic.” Ghosts, ghouls, monsters, the undead or unkillable monsters, etc, don’t interest me. I like thinking about a pure sadist who has a perfect victim

I know people have something called Maladaptive Daydreaming, and I believe I have that too, but I’ve never found in the subreddits or groups for that other people who fantasize about extreme violence or death

>>31132220
That is not possible lol. It’s so dense. These are like, years long fantasies where I’ve thought up every detail of this persons life. From his childhood, to his serial rapes, to his serial killings, to his escape from prison lol.

>>31132216
>Also why do you think men are the victims? I view men as so much more powerful than me.
That's true, but I see the state as the ultimate abuser. If a man doesn't have political power or corporate power then anything can be done to him by those with power. Really you should consider three groups of men. The elite men who hold all the power and are true abusers like you think when you think of men. The dumber men who can't keep control of anything without resorting to violence (no offense). Those also fall into the "men are abusers" group. Then the third group of men who are weak pushovers who will never hurt anyone. I'd say they're at least 80% of men. Those men are abused a lot too, only not sexually usually. I think women have a lot of power over men because a lot of men don't have options and we all need companionship. So a lot of people will push men's buttons because he can't assert himself. A lot of men are like this these days. Then men are not wired to support each other emotionally but that's for another time

>>31132240
>Who would crave that lol
You'd be surprised. But it was ambiguous wording on my part. What I meant was more like that's what those bitches deserve and they are getting that punishment at your hands.

>>31132284
Haha why did you say no offense? I’m not a man lmao

Anyway, I get it. Funny enough I get along with men more than I get along with women. I am actually scared of women in real life and I don’t make friends with them as easily as men. Maybe that’s why I lash out in my fantasies too

>>31132287
I think you’re right. I’m deeply insecure and I view myself as beneath most women so I lash out in my fantasies. Maybe if I try to befriend more women the thoughts would go away

>>31132270
>I like thinking about a pure sadist who has a perfect victim
See you're removing guilt so you can indulge as much as you want. I wouldn't worry about it. These people sound rare in reality, even though you've made them realistic. You've been having these fantasies for decades. Maybe being a pushover is a blessing! Be proud of yourself.

>>31132282
Omg what was his childhood like?

>>31132321
My empathy is making me feel guilty even though they’re fantasies. I also do fear I’ll like hit my boyfriend or something. I’ve never done that before though. I think that my violence in my mind disconnects me with people if I think about killing them all the time lol

>>31132301
>I am actually scared of women in real life and I don’t make friends with them as easily as men.
Them bitches crazyyy

>>31132325
Jesus my thoughts are so fucked up lol. Well this character in my head is called Ben. He is a serial killer. His father was a tech multi millionaire and his mother was a model who had BPD/histrionic/addiction and sex addiction issues. They divorced early on but his father paid for a place for them to live. So it was him and his unstable mother for his childhood. Ben’s life from an early life was engulfed with abuse and then when he got older in his teens he displayed psychopathic tendencies until he was an adult and started killing women.

>>31132334
>I also do fear I’ll like hit my boyfriend or something. I’ve never done that before though. I think that my violence in my mind disconnects me with people if I think about killing them all the time lol
Don't buy a gun lol it's so easy

>>31132347
See? Poor Ben was the victim of a crazy woman and now he's taking revenge on all the pretty women because he's addicted to sex like his mom but he hates himself for ending up just like her

>>31132349
Hahaha it’s hard in my country thankfully. If I had a gun I would have already killed myself impulsively I’m sure.

Guns definitely scare me because of my thoughts. I would never buy one. Ever.

>>31131856
Yes, it hap-
>A lot of time it's sexual
G-go on...

>>31132359
Maybe hit your boyfriend now and then though. It's attractive if it doesn't hurt that much

>>31132362
lol do you have fantasies like this too?

>>31132359
Oh it's that time already? You take care, shooter! ;)

>>31132363
Haha I was so angry with him once I told him I wanted to hit him. Because I was picturing it in my head. Thankfully that signalled to him to back off. Probably not the best tactic to use though. I just felt so much pure rage

>>31132378
Haha what time

>>31132381
Uhhh what time was it again? I can't read an analog clock. They look like rabbit ears.

>>31132374
No, unlike you degenerate, my violent thoughts are pure and innocent, never in a sexual way.
Last day, I imagined shoving my thumbs inside my boss' eyes sockets and crushing his skulls with my bare hands. I didn't do it because his life isn't worth spending 20 years in prison.

>>31132357
Yeah, that definitely makes sense. In the end, when he escapes, Ben kills and rapes his mother finally. Why are my thoughts like this? Like, I’ll be at work and thinking about this for like 7 hours straight lmao. My coworkers have no idea my thoughts about about a grown man raping and torturing his mother for all the abuse she put him through, which in turn turned him into a serial killer. ITS WILD. I literally never hear about anyone else having fantasies like this. I feel like I’m an alien lmao

>>31132387
Hahaha fair enough.
I feel like those types of fantasies are quick so though. Where’s the fun in that?!

>>31132103
> I feel like he’s a man child sometimes
We fantasize about what we don't have or can't get or is out of our control and violence is often based on fears.
Would he cheat? Leave you for the type of women you're fantasizing about?

>>31132620
No, he would never cheat. I genuinely would be surprised and cheated lmao. I can’t see that at all. I am not even worried about that one bit

>>31132392
You're wild. At least you learned how to have fun at work.

>>31135123
Haha that’s true.

I still haven’t found anyone else who had these types of in-depth fantasies on this forum. :( some people have been saying they can get quick anger violence thoughts but that’s it

I don’t think it’s normal now that I haven’t gotten any answers lmao

>>31135299
Are your longer fantasies always violent, or do you have long running stories about normal people too? I think maybe you get excited about filling in every last detail. It doesn't mean you have a morbid mind, necessarily.

>>31135488
No, it’s always extreme. Extreme and taboo are my fantasies. Everything is a tragedy if it was real lol. I have no fantasies about normal people really. The only thing that came close was when I had a really long fantasy about me being a famous New York artist who was a promiscuous lesbian who was irresistible to other lesbians lmao. But even then I was abusive mentally and was a dom sexually to them. It wasn’t violent per se, I mean it was consensual in the fantasy. BDSM pegging and domination, but it was relatively normal I guess

>>31135510
Whoa. Are you a dom too or are these just fantasies that you have no hope of exploring irl? I mean women are attractive so I get it. I'm usually a dom but I sometimes have sub fantasies. Nothing too extreme but I like experiencing a woman who's really able to let go and be a lunatic with me for a couple hours

>>31135551
Not in real life. But like I said before, in my fantasies, either I am a man or I am me and dominating women. Women are always being sexually dominated or abused lol.

>>31135558
You don't need to worry. You're totally normal. If you ever feel weird just remember, I've written you a clean bill of health and that means you're not a danger to the public

>>31135608
Haha okay I’ll continue thinking about blowing women’s skulls apart. Thank you

>>31135612
Better you than me. You're welcome, glad I was such a great help

>>31135628
Wait if it’s better me to to have these thoughts than you, why is that? Hmmm

>>31135676
I value my freedom

>>31135684
I am a slave to my fantasies I guess

>>31135701
Get back to work, don't fantasize on the job

>>31135701
You're going to prison

>>31135711
For what lmao

>>31135707
I fantasize about this even when I’m not working lol when I’m at home and everywhere

>>31135725
Your thoughts are degenerate and uncivilized. You require round-the-clock supervision. It's for your own good, truly

>>31135729
We all need an escape. Yours happens to be violently raping beautiful women whenever you want. We should celebrate our differences.

>>31135735
I have empathy and I would never actually hurt anyone. I don’t think I even can. I’m a woman who’s like 130 lbs. I’m not that big and I have no access to weapons lol. I do feel guilt over them though.

>>31135729
Everywhere? How do you live with yourself? You're so shameless lol

>>31135743
Why am I such a weirdo lmao why cant I fantasize about normal stuff like what I’m going to do in the future or how my day will go, or if a boy likes me or something?

No, it has to be about sodomizing a model with a curling iron. IM A WOMAN WHO IS NICE IN REAL LIFE I SWEAR I AM NOT A BITCH IRL ;(

>>31135757
Yeah. Almost everywhere for sure. It passes the time I guess.

>>31135755
>I’m a woman who’s like 130 lbs.
We all know smaller women are the most dangerous. They're also more fun to throw around. I'm like 20 lbs heavier than you and in peak physical shape. When I'm doing pullups I'm constantly thinking about my long running fantasy of luring smaller women into my van. We drive for an hour to the middle of nowhere and then I tell her she's done. She should be sorry she was born so beautiful and petite. Maybe if she was a little bigger things wouldn't have to be this way. Then I tie her up in the back and tear her pants off and just leave her there. Come back in half an hour with a shovel and get to work. No one finds the bodies where I bury them. That helps me get to about 30 or 40 reps lol

>>31135764
>No, it has to be about sodomizing a model with a curling iron.
That's extremely hot. I want to watch you brand a hoe for real. Do you call them names? What are your favorite ones?

>>31135777
Finally someone else gets me! Are these short fantasies just to get you through that or are they long, detailed ones? Why do you think you fantasize about that?

>>31135767
You sound like one of those serial killers who could snap at any moment. Go out for a 15 minute break and rape a poor girl's ass until she's bleeding and then dump her in the river or something. Clean yourself up and get back to work 5 minutes late and no one ever notices. People are weird

>>31135764
>IM A WOMAN WHO IS NICE IN REAL LIFE I SWEAR I AM NOT A BITCH IRL ;(
No. You're a bitch, but you repress it

>>31135787
Yes! I actually do have names I like to call them. It’s either dumb/stupid bitch/whore/cunt. I like dumb cunt a lot. Calling a woman a cunt is really degrading and I like that a lot. Stupid bitch is good too.

>>31135793
I was just making things up to keep the conversation going

>>31135796
I’m a 130lbs woman lol the only way I can rape a woman’s ass is if I bring a weapon or sex toy and if I can over power them. Not going to happen. Way too unrealistic for me to actually do. Plus I do have empathy in real life

>>31135810
Fuck. I thought finally someone admitted they had weird extremely violent fantasies too ;(

>>31135803
Actually this is probably true. I do get angry I just suppress it and am passive with conflict

>>31135805
You sound like a dumb cunt. Really, you need some better names, like worthless trash, trashy whore, you look like you work in a red light district but you're a filthy addicted slut who's always full of some strange abusive man's cum so you even advertise yourself during the day when the red light doesn't help. Stupid bitch.

>>31135813
I have empathy too, but we all like to tie up young women and beat them until their spine snaps. In our fantasies, of course ^^ What else are abusive evil men supposed to do other than rape and kill women all day?

>>31135831
Yes, this is actually what I love to think about. I love fantasizing about kidnapping the perfect little victim and torturing her for hours, days, maybe even months. Until I get bored and move on to the next one, unfortunate for her. I guess we’re both fucked up lol

>>31135822
I actually used to be a prostitute so maybe this influenced my fantasies as well. I have dealt with a lot of trauma and sex addiction in the past. Now I can only get off to extreme, taboo things. Anything you can think of, I’ve thought of in detail.

>>31135853
>and torturing her for hours, days, maybe even months.
You fit the profile. How tall are you? Maybe you'll be my next victim! ;)

>>31135860
>Now I can only get off to extreme, taboo things
Oh no. Your boyfriend isn't satisfying you? I'm so sorry. I don't know if that's something that just changes over time or if you're stuck like that now

>>31131856
20 yo male here
Don't know how this is supposed to work for females, but I think it's normal (based off of a few guys i have talked about this with) to have crazy violent thoughts. Like sometimes I'll be sitting in line and think "what if I pulled a machine gun from my car and just slaughtered everyone in here?" or "i'd like to beat that person to death in a long, drawn-out, and painful manner because he looks like an asshole". I then play out these thoughts in a simulation in my head. But I don't let it get to me because I know I'll never do any of those things.
>A lot of time it’s sexual, but a lot of the time it’s not as well.
Uh.... that might be a problem at that point

>>31135868
Haha well, he satisfies me. I can still orgasm with him, but it’s not as strong as an orgasm when I think of taboo things

>>31135861
I am 5’4 lol I’m not very pretty though

>>31135860
>I actually used to be a prostitute
I don't usually interview prostitutes so I'm curious. How often did you experience rape while at work? I mean anything from a guy fucking you too long or too hard or in the wrong hole, to literally tying you up and causing you to fear for your life. Also how does that factor into your sex life now that you're in a relationship? Do you ever feel guilt for not feeling it if your bf wants it and you reject him?

>>31135875
Yeah, I suspect I have a diagnosable masochistic paraphiliac disorder to be honest. Even though my thoughts are extremely sadistic, they’re also masochistic. I’ve done a lot of insane shit in real life though in the name of masochism

>>31135901
>not very pretty
Oh, shoot. I love watching pretty ones cry!

>>31135911
You need a clinical psychologist, not a web forum.

>>31135903
I was raped 3 times as an adult. Honestly it was pretty good statistically lol. I don’t feel any guilt or anything towards it. I feel nothing at all about it: no shame or fear. Nothing. I wonder though if I suppress those feelings and that’s why my fantasies are so violent, if that makes sense.

My boyfriend met me when I was starting my sex addiction therapy and I was in the middle of my sex addiction flaring up. For some reason he didn’t judge me and even liked me lol. I don’t feel guilty if I reject him for sex sometimes because he literally doesn’t make it an issue. We just played yesterday and I give him regular blow jobs.

The only thing that does affect my sex life from that period though is I do have herpes, so when I have a flare up we don’t play

>>31135950
Haha I am in sex addiction therapy right now. He’s diagnosed me with a few things and I’ve told him about my fantasies and obsessions.

>>31135960
>as an adult
Oh damn.
>no shame or fear.
Good to hear that.
>that’s why my fantasies are so violent
Anger and hate are also effects of fear. Did you fear every single client might be a serial killer? That would be the worst part of the job. I can see how you might develop an extreme fear and rationalize it by saying well all men are abusers and all women are victims. In sex work you're going to be used. That's just the nature of it. Was it hard for you mentally at first? How did you get over it? Do you think very old, fat men make better abusers because they're more disgusting so it makes you feel even worse?

>>31135960
>he literally doesn’t make it an issue. We just played yesterday and I give him regular blow jobs.
You sound happy. It's good that you found someone.

>>31136012
I was struggling with a very, very deep sex addiction at the time. I was mentally ill and didn’t care about myself, so I was willing to risk seeing strangers (and I was seeing strangers for not just vanilla sex, extreme sex like choking, piss play, CNC, etc). I always said I had a death wish because I met extremely dominant men for sex for money. Literally any of these men could have gone too far and murdered me. On purpose or accident.


However, I had these thoughts since I was like 14, since before I was a sex worker. Hell, I remember tying up my Barbie’s when I was little lol.

It wasn’t hard for me at all. I jumped right into it. The more extreme the better. And yes, I fucked older men but I think it’s because I have severe daddy issues lol.

>>31136017
Haha well he doesn’t know my insane detailed fantasies. He knows I have some visions of dead women though, and he’s heard my fucked up dreams before. He knows most of the stuff I did when I did sex work. There are definitely things I’ll never tell him though lol

>>31136062
>However, I had these thoughts since I was like 14, since before I was a sex worker. Hell, I remember tying up my Barbie’s when I was little lol.
I wonder if it was sparked by your first time. But then you've been into control fantasies since you were little lol. I dunno. Something tells me your parents were difficult and that created this fear of being like, in a prison if that makes sense. So you explored your fear of losing control through sex addiction, where you could really meet someone who might do you in. The ultimate loss of control.

>I think it’s because I have severe daddy issues lol.
I wish I desired my dad's validation as much as you sometimes. I think I'd be in a better place.

>>31136069
>There are definitely things I’ll never tell him though lol
Yeah don't tell him everything lol. What's one thing you'll never tell him?

>>31135971
Well, what did he diagnose you with?

>>31136105
Hmmm this is interesting actually I’ve never thought about it. My first time i WAS 14 and I was in a relationship with a 20 year old. When we had sex I bled and he didn’t know virgins bled during their first time and he freaked out. He started crying, saying over and over how awful he felt “ruining your first time.” It was so pathetic. But it’s like the opposite of my fantasies. Men are the over bearing, strong, sadistic, controlling, powerful ones. They don’t snivel pathetically

>>31136117
“Cluster B,” DID, sex addiction, ptsd and I suspect some paraphilias could be on there too. I haven’t asked though, but we talked in depth about them. I also have been diagnosed with major depression but that’s periodical. In the past I’ve been diagnosed with social anxiety and generalized anxiety but I don’t think they quite fit honestly.

>>31136114
I have some pretty taboo thoughts other than what has been discussed here. Some of my characters in my fantasies are underage or uh, not human. Not willing to go into further details though on here.

>>31136132
That's quite a gap at that age.
>He started crying,
Then he did ruin your first time. That guy sounds like an asshole. What the fuck? I could see how that would maybe ruin all attraction to sensitivity or maybe even just men who are being vulnerable with you. Do you have any hangups like that?

Your bf is a ripped 40 year old banker or something who already started graying, right?

>>31136147
Oh yeah and trichotillomania and body dismorphia. I am broken lol

>>31136159
Close enough. I guess you can vent about those to your therapist.
>Cluster B
No way! I'm shocked! :o

>>31136165
I was so shocked. I felt so insecure because I bled lol. I bled on his sheets and I didn’t realize. Once he realized he like gasped and ran to turn in the lights in horror lol. He panicked and made me get up and shower and he tore all the sheets up abruptly. Everything was so sudden and I didn’t get to enjoy it at all. Especially since he was dramatic about it and cried ALL NIGHT about how much he felt like he ruined my first time.

I think that is true. I didn’t like men who were vulnerable in my teens up until I met my boyfriend honestly. Sensitive men turned me off

My boyfriend is a year younger than me and is a nerd playing video games lmao.
He’s immigrating here and hopefully he goes to school for trades soon.

>>31136159
>not human
Tonight you'll be consumed by a tentacle pod, raped violently for three hours and then spit out covered in slime. You'll cough up most of the sludge it deposited in your mouth and throat, but you'll be hacking for days and your fingernails will smell for two weeks. Every night you'll wonder what you can do to find another one to experience that thrill again but it went back to tentacle planet where the girls are much prettier :(

>>31136192
Haha right now I don’t seem like a borderline but I’ve done a lot of healing lately. I was insane before though.

>>31136212
Haha I hate this so much. I don’t like stuff that’s not realistic

>>31136207
>Especially since he was dramatic about it and cried ALL NIGHT about how much he felt like he ruined my first time.
Dude what the fuck? Some guys I swear. What a dumb pussy. I wonder if he was worried he gave you something. Ick. Mostly I'm mad about how fucked up he was with the sheets and everything. Asshole.
>My boyfriend is a year younger than me and is a nerd playing video games lmao.
Huh. How are you getting off without him there? He's sensitive? What changed your mind about sensitivity?

>>31136238
Yeah, my first time was horrible lmao. All well I guess.

He is sensitive, not to the detriment to other things though. He’s masculine mostly and is in good shape and active. I don’t know, I think it’s because we had a long distance relationship at first that I had time to open up to him in a safe distance and get to know him. I never done that before. I’m usually either extremely avoidant with men (just used them to get off) or extremely clingy to where I scared them off in a month, it’s different with him though

>>31131918
this seems like pretty basic quick intrusive thoughts except maybe the length of your female torture fantasies but I mean everyone gets off to different stuff.

>>31136295
Intrusive thoughts typically imply I have fear of them or anxiety and try not to think of them. When I have those thoughts i try to endulge, but it might be more quick than the others.

I do find the long, drawn out torture fantasies more concerning though.

>>31136261
>He is sensitive, not to the detriment to other things though.
Elaborate? I think I kinda get it but I want your opinion too.
>He’s masculine mostly
Is it good if a guy has some femininity too? Would you say some of my comments have been feminine? I don't know how to explain what I do
>I think it’s because we had a long distance relationship at first that I had time to open up to him in a safe distance and get to know him. I never done that before.
That's very true. This is why you're so close with him I feel. I'm kinda doing something similar with someone right now but she's avoiding me too, not really opening up yet. Idk wtf I'm doing why am I like this? I've never done it this way before but maybe it will work out ugh..
>it’s different with him though
Does he make you react differently or does he react in a way that you feel safer or something like that?

>>31136317
>I do find the long, drawn out torture fantasies more concerning though.
From what you've said here, I think you have a genetic tendency to addictions. I've noticed this with myself and my own family. One of my grandparents was a chainsmoker until his 80s and my father is similar, he also drinks wine every night and enjoys sleeping very little. So what you've been seeking is that rush of dopamine. When you get addicted to something you desensitize to it and you end up needing bigger and bigger things to get off until you cut it out for a while so you can reset. I believe that may be what's happening here as well. You enjoy violent fantasies. Big whoop. But you're also addicted to the feelings you get from them, so you make them bigger and longer and extend them and make the victims more extreme and the abusers more extreme. The serial killer role is a coping strategy from your past as a prostitute. Everyone knows that's who serial killers are going after the most. And without knowing you very well I believe your PTSD is from sex work too, could be wrong though, maybe it was just one abusive guy too many.

What I'm trying to get at though is that I don't find your fantasies concerning. I think it's a symptom of addiction and needing them to help you feel good. It's a guilty pleasure, literally lmao

>>31136375
I think you’re spot on about the dopamine thing. I absolutely am addicted to these fantasies and also somewhat acting stuff out irl (my masochism). The problem is the acting it out has gotten me in trouble lol.

I think the ptsd is from a number of things, the sex work is just a part of it.

I think you’re right. The more I feel healthier, the less my addiction and fantasies happen. I wish they would just go away though. Some of them are concerning to me still

>>31136409
>The problem is the acting it out has gotten me in trouble lol.
Story time?

>>31136453
Oh with sex work, I’ve had men choke me out and beat me. Like it was consensual but it’s EXTREMELY STUPID to let a total stranger, who is older and way stronger, choke you (sometimes unconscious) and beat you.

I was a sex addict, which means I would wake up and start masturbating, then find a man and invite him over to use me, once he left I would masturbate again and then find another dude to come over. Rinse and repeat until I fell asleep for the night. I’ve also masturbated for DAYS straight before. I’ve been psychotic obsessing over this stuff be used I didn’t sleep.

I’ve done auto erotic asphyxiation on myself, with a silk scarf over the door, which I literally have never heard of women doing

I’ve also explored urethral play and I’m pretty sure I’ve messed up my urethra a bit that way.

I’ve been raped 3 times as an adult.

When I was hooking I didn’t care who I fucked or if they wanted to have sex with me without protection. If they wanted to go raw I let them. And I swallowed cum too.

I’ve drank random men’s urine, licked asses, sucked cock, and unfortunately I even ate shit when I was a hooker.

I hate hate hate how my masochism makes me do extreme, dangerous shit. I could have easily died doing sex work. It is quintessentially a sexual masochistic disorder. I hate it. My fantasies and sex addictions are insane

>>31136495
>I’ve also masturbated for DAYS straight before.
That's very interesting. I would pass out lol

>auto erotic asphyxiation on myself, with a silk scarf over the door
You mean like you would hang the scarf over the door and kinda hang yourself with it to choke yourself? Yeah that's rare.

>sucked cock
Is sucking cock disgusting to you? Why is it in the category of disgusting things :(

>swallowed cum
Do you let your boyfriend do that?

>It is quintessentially a sexual masochistic disorder.
I wonder how your masochism developed. If I had to guess it maybe started with the asshole who fucked up and freaked out when you were a virgin.

>>31131907
>would never do that
>I don’t even have the means to do that
>I have empathy
Reads like you're trying to convince yourself.

>>31132240
>>31132270
You spook the fuck outta me, dog. Your insistence on putting "lol" or "haha" after every other sentence, like you're unconsciously imitating the "lol I'm just so psycho like that teehee" or the "wow, you're so mature for age, haha" type of people certainly doesn't help.

>>31136592
Yes, I would hang my self and tie a hitachi on my leg so it’s attached to my clit and choke myself. Once I started to pass out I would let go and the silk helped the slack. Still very stupid to do this. And extremely dangerous. I’ve heard of men doing this, but not women.

Sucking cock is NOT disgusting at all! But swallowing strangers cum is probably not a good idea. That’s what I meant to imply lol. I love sucking cock and swallowing.

Also I was touched when I was little but it was only a bit and it wasn’t like, extreme like my fantasies. No idea if that started anything but I assume it played a part too.

>>31136619
>But swallowing strangers cum is probably not a good idea.
Is it dangerous? I have no idea.
>I love sucking cock and swallowing.
I hope to find someone like you one day!
>I assume it played a part too.
Figures. I kinda thought maybe but I didn't want to say anything

>>31136600
It’s just a habit of mine. The haha and lol’s definitely let me separate the seriousness of things a bit I think. It’s just embarrassing to talk about so a haha or an lol softens it. I don’t mean for it to sound weird, LOL

>>31136638
You could get STD’s through oral, and I was blowing a lot of strangers.

>>31136619
Ask your therapist if there's a good way to choke yourself without physically constricting your neck. Once in a while is fine but like over time that seems like it could be bad. The part where you automatically let go when you pass out and that causes you to stop choking is genius

>>31136495
You're a little sex demon! That video game nerd is so lucky, how did he get you to reply to him?

>>31136495
>I’ve been raped 3 times as an adult.
What happened? It seems like you love sex quite a bit so I'm curious if these were more extreme events for you or maybe the guys were just genuinely so disgusting

>>31136654
Haha people have been doing that for literally forever. Most people who have died by auto erotic asphyxiation have done it that way. I just added the silk part because I figured it would help if the scarf unfortunately got caught on the door or something. Thankfully it didn’t.

I haven’t done auto erotic asphyxiation in a long while now, thankfully. Sometimes my boyfriend lightly chokes me now, but never ever hard or to the point of passing out.

>>31136665
This is weird but I met him on twitch lmao. I was just a chatter in a small streamers chat and so was he. They all knew me as a sex addict and I would tell my stories on there because it was fun to get a ride out of the people. The streamer was a psychology student so we talked about addiction and mental illnesses and stuff. He happened to be there and he was pretty masculine in the chats and opinionated. The streamer flirted with him sometimes so I started talking to him lmao.

>>31136689
>Sometimes my boyfriend lightly chokes me now, but never ever hard or to the point of passing out.
Smart. I think you can build up the choking in your mind if he's choking you a little bit and use that to get off

>>31136710
That's really cool. Do you think he was attracted to the streamer at first and then you won him over somehow? I can't imagine lol

>>31136677
Well the first one was a threesome that ended up un consensual in the middle. I was like 19 or 20 I think.

The second one I was around 22 and it was a date rape drugging.

And the third one I was passed out on the side of the road and a random guy picked me up and brought me to his apartment.

Ironically none of these were when I was prostituting actually, but it was when I was a sex addict. (I fucked a lot of men compulsively for free too lol)

There were times I was uncomfortable doing sex work but I just ended up doing it anyway just to get it over with. Wouldn’t call it rape though lol.

I also have been sexually harassed at work and school once and I was molested when I was younger. Also technically the guy who took my virginity was committing statutory rape lol. So I have a lot of sexual baggage.


Now that I type all this out it makes sense I fantasize so much about extreme shit.

>>31136714
Maybe. I substitute it with a firm, hard, smack across the face though. One that makes me see white. That can make me cum.

>>31136721
He claims he wasn’t, but I think she is pretty. I just like to show off and I sexted the majority of the men in that chat eventually lmao my boyfriend was just interesting and I enjoyed hearing his opinions

>>31136732
>Well the first one was a threesome that ended up un consensual in the middle. I was like 19 or 20 I think.
This one seems different from the others. Maybe thinking about that one would help?
>(I fucked a lot of men compulsively for free too lol)
Did you talk about sex a lot before fucking them? Or make them jump through hoops and qualify them like oh he has to be this muscular and etc
>There were times I was uncomfortable doing sex work but I just ended up doing it anyway just to get it over with.
This sucks but I get it. But that's different from regular work because it's emotional too.
>I also have been sexually harassed at work and school once and I was molested when I was younger.
Do you mean verbally or did they touch you? When does it become molestation?
Your life has had a lot of sex in it. It makes sense that your fantasies would involve sex as a major component. It's relatable to you in a way.

>>31136745
>I just like to show off and I sexted the majority of the men in that chat eventually
Damn lol
>my boyfriend was just interesting and I enjoyed hearing his opinions
That's cool. Sometimes I think I'm not interesting enough for anyone to really consider me an option. I do have opinions though.

>>31136763
Usually I met them online or at bars. The thing about sex addiction is it doesn’t really matter who fucked me, I’ve been fucked by a wide array of men. I didn’t make them jump through hardly any hoops. Although I did have a mild system to sus out anyone who might be dangerous (like more dangerous than just beating me consensually). I would text them and if they ever tried to cross my boundaries I wouldn’t reply back - even if it was subtle. Also if they typed like a retard I wouldn’t reply back either lmao.

Also when I was in highschool I had an annoying kid who always smacked my ass walking by me in the hallways. It was super embarassing and I hated it. I would always look back at him and him and his friends would laugh at me.

At work one time I worked with an older man alone during night shift. During the shift he started asking me if I was a virgin, if I had a boyfriend, during break he gave me a deep shoulder massage and he touched my chest and face. It was really uncomfortable lol.

Also when I was a kid I was molested by a family member. It was brief but it was my first introduction to sex.

>>31136778
Haha opinions are attractive, but it just depends on who likes them :P

I like when men get passionate about something

>>31136806
>I would text them and if they ever tried to cross my boundaries I wouldn’t reply back - even if it was subtle.
This is tough because if they don't know your boundaries how do they know if they're crossing a boundary? But asserting yourself is the way to go for sure. Sucks to be them
>in highschool I had an annoying kid who always smacked my ass walking by me in the hallways.
Did you date him before that? He knew he could get away with it so he victimized you because of that
>At work
Odd to pair you up alone with a guy like that.
>I was molested by a family member.
Damn. Yeah I think that would stay with me forever.

>>31136811
I've been told I lack substance. I think the person was just trying to hurt me but I do think that about myself sometimes. I'm doing what I can to fix it. It's not a big deal

>>31136827
Haha well what I mean is I would be very clear what I wanted from them. For example I would tell them my fill kink list and my limits. If they mentioned anything about my limits I wouldn’t reply.

No, I hated that kid. He was really fucking annoying, looked like a rat, sounded like one too and was ugly and I’m pretty sure retarded haha.

Yup! It was bad. Every night they did random pairings in a section of the place we worked at and one night I ended up with him lol.

Also thankfully I don’t remember too much of it. All well, it happened.

>>31136847
>one night I ended up with him
Wait he did that on his first opportunity? What the fuck!
>I would be very clear
I hate when people don't listen it's like they think you're retarded or they don't hear you but it's through text. They're so confusing and dumb.

People are fucking crazy. I'm currently waiting for a streamer to figure out I'm the guy but I'm probably being a dumbass because she's left me hanging many times. I don't get it. I don't know why I'm stuck on her.

>>31131856
>I’ve never hurt anyone and I never plan on it
That's all you needed to say. You're not edgy, a psycho, or a sociopath. You're a softboy.

>>31136879
lol I’m a woman

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>>31131907
>I just have weird dark thoughts and I’m wondering if others have the same thing
look up "intrusive thoughts" it's quite normal, it's your brain realizing that this world contains terrible things that could happen at any moment. this is your way of internalizing them and if they happen, you will be less surprised and be able to handle them more effectively as a human.

>>31131918
>when I’m angry
then these are not intrusive thoughts, it sounds more like you're just unhappy and these thoughts are a signal that you need to make some changes.

for example, I look after a lot of small animals, often wild animals. sometimes I have intrusive thoughts about what would happen if I stepped on one, what would happen if one fell into the waste-disposer and I switched it on without realizing it. these things make me extra careful when my animals are around, and I check things like the waste-disposer before switching it on, even if my animals have not been in the kitchen I still check because I know how bad it would feel if I made that mistake.

what you are describing sounds more like a different thing, the thought of catching someone hurting or killing my animals or loved ones. I don't know if the experience is different for men vs women, or whether that's even the best way to frame the difference. I feel like this sort of person I could harm in terrible ways, not because I like that, but because in this very narrow case it would actually be the right thing to do.

>>31137419
They’re not intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are typically not an indulgence or wanted during the experience.