I'll never be fucking normal.i'll never find love.i fucked around as a teen and got into stupid foreign shit, ideas that poisoned my soul. Experiences that will never leave my eyes. Things i'd rather never know were true.I am a degenerate. My idea of what is sexually appealing is backwards, literally, backwards. The wrong way around. No romantisizing about "my true self" or whatever the faggots say, nobody deserves to feel like this.I keep trying and trying and fucking trying but i can't fix my soul, it's broken.i have been told many things,>you are a woman>you are gay>you are this and thatnone of this helps, especially not the first thing, especially not how much it is repeated.Yes, i *feel* like a woman, in the way that nobody listens or cares, and i lack the looks or voice to make someone listen or care. I know this is not a normal conclusion.I can't talk with anyone about this, nobody gets it, or if they do, they are using it to abuse me, or are themselves hiding.I feel like a degenerate monster, i feel like if i ever loved a woman, she would find out that i am a monster.(1/2)
(2/2)I have only ever kissed a girl once. I am a virgin, i don't know how to fap, but i can't stop desire. I can't stop yearning in my own fucked up way. I know what i truly want, it's what everyone wants, but i reach such a stupid fucking conclusion to it.was reading this article where a woman concludes her husband is a pedophile, i thank god, am not, i have a thing for slightly older women. yes i am an AGP faggot, i will admit it bluntly. I don't want to be. Sometimes i don't even feel like it is *true*, it feels like a reaction to being hurt. It feels disgusting to be like this, like i am some turbopedorapist.I don't have weird sexual desires in practice, i just lense them through this "i wish i was her" perspective. I empathize too much with people, to my detriment, and this is how that emotion peaks. I know it's all Id, not ego.God helps, but i can't shake this.i just want to be normal. There are long moments where the poison leaves me and i am normal, perfectly normal, not thinking about this weird shit, but these moments are rare, too rare.I don't know if i am to blame alone, or if i am a victim, i have been told many things. I think it is simply both. I cannot deny being a victim, even though i feel great shame, i could never admit this in person, but it just feels like i let the wrong people, the wrong ideas, serve as my lighthouse.I just want to turn my axis again, to be normal.Maybe i am just autistic in a world that wants to destroy me.
(3/2)I read about these trannies, i am not like them. I might see how someone else might think i am like them, but i am not.i am always painfully aware of myself, i think that is a good thing. It feels bad but that's kinda the point, no?I'm not like them that i'll psyop myself so hard into thinking this fetish is me. I am not like them where i *must* put this on to othersy by force. I am not a pedophile, or a rapist, like them. I am a hurt animal and i just want to stop wimpering for once in my life. I just want all the scars to go away. I just want to be normal.
>>31531863The world does want to destroy you.The internet is an anti-human hate machine.Turn the internet off and never go back.Go for a walk every morning, going farther and farther each day.Read the classics, converse with the old ones instead of other degenerate fags online. Hagakure is a great start.Talk to people and never ever reveal what you have done online. Bury it. Never use the internet again. >for workSmash your pc. Take it to a field and smash it with a sledgehammer. The internet did this to you. You are a victim: stop being one and take control.The solution, as always, is to touch grass.The hardest part is embracing the silence and being alone with yourself. This is why it is best to go to the woods and watch life and death play out before your eyes. Smash it. Go camping. Strip your life bare of electronic illusions of pleasure and never look back.
>>31531901i can't smash my computer all of my art is on there. Okay, not *all* of it, but the ones i placed heart value in are there. I love making them. Only thing that makes me feel sane.I avoid the internet as much as possible.I know. I feel repulsed every time this shit pulls up online.does not help that now every june they have to fly and signal all of that shit EVERYWHERE. i can't avoid it.I go camping every year, i live a frutiful, not online life, i am trying my hardest to avoid the internet unless i absolutely have to.I want to go to the mountains, where the sheep are herded, but that part of my world is dying. The only part that makes me feel normal.
>>31531963>>31531901i have faced my own soul, i crucified the demon that they put in me. Sometimes i think i went too far. I am coping right now, but i am so far ahead in this journey than others, i am ahead of the elders in my life, even they admit that. I keep trying and trying.I honestly might just go to the mountains, even if i will be entirely alone, someone must be there.
>>315318631/2 I don’t know who you are anon. But I have the impression that this disorder, (not in order) perception is perhaps derived from a wounded masculine. It is possible that not only through any consumption of degeneracy material through your youth, but as well deeply disturbing experiences from your youth.Question yourself, do you feel masculine enough? when was the last time you did? Do you feel comfortable in the fact that you are born male and there is no mistake in that? Do you feel comfortable in being male? if not, why not? It is very important to self access..Ask yourself questions of journal. It is obvious you are repressing thoughts that need to be let out.
>>315318632/2 Wounded masculinity can be derived from many things. Either an un present father figure (emotionally, figuratively, or abusive), trauma as child whether through abuse, mocking, or going through an experience that deeply altered and wounded you. Pornography is brain damaging. It burns your dopamine receptors, altering them to never satiating your lust. And each time craving novelty. Perhaps this tainted you? You have to dig deep in your subconscious as to when this all began. Why you feel this way. Know you are worthy of love and fulfillment. God loves you anon and therefore seek light and seek to help yourself
>>31532056I don't know if i am masculine enough.I like to think that i am.I'm not particularly tall and i have been told that i have a lot of "feminine" mannerisms. I don't think that takes away from my masculinity. Others certainly do, the types who want me to be like they think i *must* be.latent homosexuals who'd want me to be a "woman"and lonely women who want me to be "one of the girls"I never actually much cared about my body, physically, if anything existing physically is limiting imo lol.Gotta eat, piss, shit, sleep and have desires.I've went through a deep journey, i have found God and Christ at the end.The feeling never goes away.>or going through an experience that deeply altered and wounded you.i don't want to talk about it but there have been too many and nobody believes me. I am simply "not the type" it's the social pressure, i am apparently never what people think i am. It does not help.i am writing a novel to channel these feelings, never liked writing a journal, not deep enough. Writing helps, makes me make sense of it, on my own.>>31532061I have a good relationship with my parents, if i didn't lord knows, probably hanging in my room by 2022. I am forever grateful to them and to God. They aren't perfect, but they are mine.this feeling just refuses to leave me.
>>31532174...questioning my masculinity certainly was a factor when growing up, but i like to think i went past all the football hooliganism and faggot shit.
>>31531863>>31531865Why don't you just be a normal man IRL and do your AGP shit in private with a woman who's into it?
>>31532236that'd be hot but women aren't into it "unless you transition"i can actually look good with make-up, i don't know why they think telling me "you should be a woman" helps at all.
>>31531863There are billions of males that will die without having sex with a woman.The biggest lie sold to you is that your mental retardation or suffering means anything to anyone.Nobody cares. Nobody gives a shit. Your parents should’ve been part of your life and raised you instead of letting the PC and Internet babysit you.Now you’re perma-fucked. Take the easy way out and kys.
>>31532303my parents did raise me right.i do not blame them for things they do not know
>>31532305Kys then.
>>31532311you first, coward.How dare you even suggest i stoop to your level
>>31532303plus honestly i don't care that much about sex.all i want is an heir.
>>31532329>stoop to your levelLook, troon… ghosts don’t reply you fucking imbecile. Clearly, I’m alive, hence why I’m telling you to kys.Also, I’m a real man. You can’t “stoop” to my level because you’d have to climb up to where I am. And in this metaphor you have no arms or legs. You’re another dumb fucking troon thinking you’re special.Kys.
>>31532348where is your missplaced pride, "man"?
>>31531863>be boy>have overbearing devouring mother>but a neglectful bitter mother>become adult>make women central to your world>fappity fap fap to them all day>tfw no gf tfw no gf tfw no gf>no male role model no father figure no male figure to embody>go to male peers on 4chan they all tell you kys kys cuck cuck kys cuck kys seethe cuck u will be cheated u will be alone u will die without being loved kys>soothe with women women women mommy mommy mommy kiss my booboos mommy>everyone tells you women have it easier women are on easy mode women have no issues women are the nectar of life itself >your wires get crossed>you begin to wish to BE a womanthat’s how it happened. battered neglected baby boy sucked on mommas tit too much to cope and now wants tits like momma.
>>31532493>have overbearing devouring mother>but a neglectful bitter father**
>>31532493brother you ain't cool with this shit, nor are you any better than the degenerates on the other side.
>>31532501Not trying to be cool. Hell not even trying to mock OP. I’m crudely piecing together the puzzle for him. A distinct lack of male role models is what lead him here. He abandons his masculinity because there is no comfort in it. And there is no comfort in it because most likely there wasn’t a sufficient male role model for him. Men teach boys how to be men.
>>31531863it's better for you to read this book (pic below)
>>31532507i do not lack male rolemodels, retard.I faced genuine abuse from the part of others, it's not something you can just "walk off"I am a hurt animal.
>>31532522>>31532522i know how to be a man, other guys tell me they aspire to be a man like me. To be decisive and capable of DOING.I know it's none of the presentation bullshit.
>>31532527maybe i'm young werther dostoyevskying the shit out of myself but i can never get that out of my eyes.
>>31532522Yes you do lack them. You lack decent ones, actual proper men. You surround yourself instead with manchildren, which is why you are here on 4chan. Ironic of me to claim I know, but stick with me. The brain isn’t so complex that it can’t be understood. The brain is simple when boiled down.>You feel like less of a man (insecurity)>Trauma crosses some wires>You want to feel more like a woman (dysphoria)Not that hard to figure out. >I faced genuine abuse from the part of othersI believe you. >it’s not something you can just “walk off”.No. It’s not. But it is something you must walk with. The alternative is to lay down and let your mind rot. And when the mind rots, it comes up with all kinds of fucked up ideas. Like wanting to be a woman. >I am a hurt animalSo let the pain become a gift. Use that pain to get away from whatever the fuck cripples you. That’s why we have pain to begin with. It’s a teacher, hardwired into us to tell us to GTFO out of a situation that’s killing us. It tells us to stop doing something that poisons us.
>>31532534i'm a good artist.my studies are succeding, even though i'm honestly not even trying that hard.I'm a smart person, a good person, i am pushing through life, i never gave up. I am low at the moment.Simply put the men in my life are all opporunitsts, just part of the culture, i guess. My father is more of a man than most fathers i have met. He's not perfect, but he's my father and i will not dishonor him on fucking 4chan, you get? I was mostly raised by my mother, but she raised me right.I'm an artist, a respectable one, too, people don't even believe i am capable of doing all the things i am doing on my own, nobody believes me. I'm just never taken seriously and then i turn out to be right almost all the time. This is what i mean by "feel like a woman".I don't want to be a woman, this is an affliction of the soul, not something i actually want, i am adult enough to see that.
>>31532545i sound like my fucking mother holy shit
>>31532545>My father is more of a man than most fathers i have met. He's not perfect, but he's my father and i will not dishonour him on fucking 4chan, you get?I am not telling you to dishonour your father. I am telling you instead to honour him. My dad? I respect him. He’s a hard man. He went through a lot of shit growing up. That made him a hard father. Father’s should never be hard of heart towards their children. Fathers should never go soft, they should be stone-like and rigid sure. But only to those who try to harm themselves or their beloved. The father should emotionally connect with son during childhood upbringing. If father was being cold and harsh growing up, despite all his hard work, then there is a problem. My father was like this. I still respect him. But I won’t lie to myself what he lacked as a father. And to honor him, I finish the job for him by taking care of myself. ezpz.
>>31532559i am taking care of myself anon. I never said my life is shit or failing.
>>31532534>I believe you.i can't even begin to explain how frustrating this aspect is.many people refuse to believe me because they don't believe something like that can happen, especially to a boy. I'm tired of being called crazy because of the things i experienced, it's so fucking depressing man i can't even fathom how that happens.
>>31532627i can't even describe it.imagine being alone in a bull ring, full of bulls. It's a fear i have never before or since experienced. It's something nobody should ever experience, it's barbaric and backwards, it's disgusting, yet is pushed by those claiming to be "progressive" and "of the future".I know i am not alone in this and that disgusts me even more. My country is a rape disney-land.
sure is summer in here
Summer heat passed and i got to work no longer feel bad about myself.A cold beer is really all a man needs.
