I used to post here or there about wife having cancer. Well, about six weeks ago, she passed away. It was a four year long fight for her and I was there every step of the way. Many of you gave me a lot of hope and said some decent things and I thank you for that. I needed it. Watching her deteriorate was painful and she wouldn't really talk about it with her friends. I dutifully put one foot in front of the other and pulled the wagon for us doing everything in the relationship.Since her passing and funeral, I've been having a couple of panic attacks here or there. I was thinking of seeking out therapy for it. I hesitate, though, because it's not really designed to end.I cleaned out a very small piece of her stuff today and it broke me up. I wake up looking for her and she's not there. I dreamed last night that she was in bed with me and I woke up to see if it was real. Took a couple of hours to go back to sleep. A few nights ago, I heard her voice ask something I couldn't understand in my sleep and woke myself up answering her. I miss her so much. I wish I could have told her that I loved her at least a few more times. I know she is not suffering any longer so I don't miss her throwing up a few times per day or helping her up the stairs, showering, dressing or taking her to appointments. I don't miss her crying or being in pain or worrying if she was going to make it. That part of it is like being in a fox hole with a dying soldier for four years. She was crying to me one day, she didn't want to die. All I could do was give her my best, "You have a lot of fight left. We're not even close to that," encouragement. What else can you do? I'd read bible quotes to her but they upset her, as if she was preparing herself to die. Mostly I just held her close, attended her needs and made sure she knew she was loved.
