Five years ago I enrolled in a prestigious university (not that the enrolment itself means anything), enjoyed a meaningful romantic relationship, was a succesful athlete and had a very ambitious and fun life. I gained enjoyment both from putting in efforts to my goals as well as relaxing when I had earned it. Sadly, when covid came I started gradually losing these things. My university went online and competitive sports was forbidden and bit by bit my life came to ruin.First I suffered a breakup because the love of my life said it was untenable (I really agreed), then came financial issues and the last thing I lost was my university - I was expelled - just 18 months ago. There was a single month, right after expulsion, that I took all my effort to write a long letter with reasons that I want another chance for uni (the last thing I had) but it fell on deaf ears and so fell my last motivation. Since then I have been sitting at home and doing absolutely nothing. When I think back of these three to four years of absolute beauty it seems like a dream that is slowly being forgotten until it is not part of who I am anymore. I feel incompetent, want to punish myself for what I am doing but also feel afraid and demotivated on starting all over again. It is not the effort that scares me but a voice inside me keeps yelling "you did not deserve all the goodness in the first place" Please I want to get over myself, I have been thinking of ending it because like this I am just a plant with no sunlight anyways. I am 24 now but feel like I have nothing on the horizon. It feels like dying and I am imagining myself as the person who gave up and will simply work a monotonous 9 to 5 and become snide or despondent to his wife children. I do not know what I want anymore; a part of me is trying to look for ways to emulate the life I had but it seems also pointless.
>>31668315What was the reason for your expulsion?
>>31668899Up until the moment my downhill slope started I got really good great. Then, for a year or so I did not attend class and scored terribly on exams - scores that made me feel humiliated and out of places. At the end of the year they told me I could not enroll anymore and I do not blame them.
>>31668922What caused you to neglect your studies? What physical or mental things?
>>31669053I think there was a slow but certain downhill creep during the covid lockdowns in my country. My first exam session during covid was fine, the second one too but with a lot of stress, and after that things even felt like they were going to improve. That changed when the government here made restrictions so severe that I could not see my partner (who was abroad) anymore, not do soorts or have any social/outdoors hobbies… when I finished my exams I looked forward to having a life even for a week or two, but as soon as I got my results (which were good) the restrictions were tightened and I could say goodbye to all my plans. Instead I just sat at home on my laptop trying to distract myself and this grew into a severe escapism.
>>31669169Me again. I don't think I can advise you. You should see a (talking) therapist, the best you can find.
>>31668315You should still have your module credits. Enrol somewhere else and get your diploma.
>>31670533Thank you>>31670583I am afraid I won't meet my academic obligations with the same energy as in the beginning.
>>31672974You may just need to take a break from academics until you can get your head back on straight. I failed the fuck out of a full-ride scholarship, took time to work for a few years, and now I'm heading back after getting some A's at the local community college and explaining myself on the university admissions. Life goes on, Anon. You don't have to live the 9 to 5 if it's not your dream, it's just been postponed a bit while you take care of yourself. These setbacks can only end you if you let them.
>>31668315What a pussy. Jesus... In the words of plebbitors... "Wow... Just wow". Your motivation to keep going should be simply to not be such a pussy.
>>31673011>OP is already considering suicide because of the academic and personal setbacks in his life>He should call himself a pussy on top of it, that'll fix absolutely everythingtox masculitard detected
>>31668315Bump
>>31670583Do this, OP. You will recover some wasted time and get closure.
