I don't have any concept left of who I am as a person.Starting from my teens, I've spent so long desperately vying for the validation and respect of others out of a dire lack of self-esteem that I can hardly remember who I was and what I like; what I can recall that I like is hard for me to be interested in anymore because I'm so obsessed with this validation that it's all I can focus on, and the memories of the personality I can remember having are flimsy at best. I don't know what I want to do each day when I'm not at work, what I want out of life, what my personality is like, and even small things like what I want to wear. The concept of who I am as a person vastly changes depending on who I am with and what I am invested in at that moment. Is there any way out of this? I'm really desperate and I can't afford another therapist, my first was kind but not suited to what I am going through. I'm going to be in my twenties by the end of the year and don't want to live another decade like this. Please help me.
>>31690395you sound borderline, do you also lash out at people? have very dramatic relationships? Tend to have opinions of people and things flip on dimes?My reccomendation is look into treatment for people with borderline and apply that to yourself, the best scientifically has been DBT which has mindfulness at its core. Mindfulness can take a long time to cultivate but it's certainly possible and will be the solution to the crux of your issues, the rest of DBT is a couple other useful coping skillshttps://static1.squarespace.com/static/577d2ce937c58194f7d39816/t/60c7e92fa3583448b8c6fa19/1623714139969/dbt_skills_training_handouts_and_worksheets_-_linehan_marsha_srg_.pdf this seems like a decent collection of worksheets and stuff you can do personally to help cultivate these skills.Aside from that and how to actually learn mindfulness I can't really help you, for me the realisation of it came while reading philosophy books, guided meditation can help some people and music can help others. It takes a long time, especially for people stuck up in their own head so much
>>31690395>I don't have any concept left of who I am as a person.Well maybe figure out who you are again?What core values do you have? Where would you want to be in the future? What are beverages you like? Are you more logical or emotional or a bit of both? Are you a pet person?Everyone has a personality, you don't need to be a caricature to have a personality. It can be slight preferences too.>I don't know what I want to do each day when I'm not at work, what I want out of life, what my personality is like, and even small things like what I want to wear. Being undecided is not wrong. It's good to reevaluate our options and to be flexible. Maybe that's a part of tour personality too?I'm sure you have a personality. Don't be too hard on yourself.
>>31690439>you sound borderline, do you also lash out at people?No, I don't overstep my boundaries with people. Even if I'm mad at something they've done, I'm always as polite as can be. >have very dramatic relationships? Tend to have opinions of people and things flip on dimes?I don't have any real friends so I can't say. I'm friendly with my colleagues but it's just an act and we don't speak outside of work. I did have some friends in school and I suppose I did flip on them, yes. They did a lot of little things that annoyed me which gradually built up to a resentment; when they started to grow, mature and find new friends/new experiences, I grew jealous because I was getting worse by the day and eventually, we stopped talking. I'm not a very good friend outside of feigned agreeableness. >My reccomendation is look into treatment for people with borderline and apply that to yourself, the best scientifically has been DBT which has mindfulness at its core.Thank you for your suggestion. I will look into DBT and that PDF you've attached. >>31690482>Well maybe figure out who you are again?>What core values do you have?How can I figure out who I am again? The answers to all of those questions depends on who I am trying to appeal to. I don't know what I'd choose.>Being undecided is not wrong. Maybe that's a part of tour personality too?I get what you're saying, but I don't think my indecisiveness is a core personality trait of mine, but being unsure of how to present and act when there's no-one to please and impress.>I'm sure you have a personality. Don't be too hard on yourself.Thank you. I'm trying but it's hard.
>>31690618>How can I figure out who I am again? The answers to all of those questions depends on who I am trying to appeal to. I don't know what I'd choose.You don't know if you would pick a beer or a tea when you're on your own watching a movie, or which tea flavor you would prefer? You don't know if you value honesty? If you value forgiveness? You don't know if you'd enjoy reading a book in the sunshine?There must be things you like and dislike right? I for one can't stand anise, but love ginger. Dislike cold rain, but like a hot shower. I don't get upset in slow traffic but can't be out of a supermarket quick enough. And you, well you have your own preferences and values and ideas. I'm sure of it. You also have your own insecurities. If you can own up to your insecurities, own up to the rest as well. It doesn't need to be impressive or special to be valid. Even if you mostly like things that 90% of people like and your traits are similar to other's. You still have a unique combination.
>>31690439I have similar traits but borderline doesn’t exist? Or at least it just means you have poor emotional control or intelligence, it’s not real though is it?
And trying to fit in is normal.
>>31690694What do you mean by real?Borderline is "real" in the sense that there seems to be some consistent group of traits with fairly consistent symptoms that can be treated with also fairly similar means.Everyone is individual and noone is the perfect borderline, but if you have borderline symptoms generally borderline treatments can help.
>>31690395Holy shit, are you me?
>>31690713I mean that I thought it was just cope for being a bitch. I’ve called borderline myself. Or that I have intermittent explosive disorder, or Asperger’s or autism the list goes on, I guess I have a negative perception of diagnoses because people like to armchair diagnose me
>>31690744I mean it's cope for being a bitch like malaria is cope for being lazy.Borderline is a serious disease and a highly lethal one and one that should be treateded really seriously. There's a lot of self harm and the general life experience of most borderline people is miserable, it's not something that people really want to be.Maybe you do have a negative perception of diagnosis, they're just tools used to be able to asign treatments. Malaria as a disease exists so doctors know to look for the symptoms and prescribe the treatments. Borderline exists for the same reasons, to identify the symptoms and prescribe treatments.Both are scientifically defined and with both we search for the core underlying causes, we have so far happened to figure out the underlying cause of malaria while we're still looking for borderline and many other mental illness.
>>31690769Yeah sounds awful, hopefully I don't have it. I'm annoyed that people have suggested it to me but it must have some merit.I understand what you mean now, thanks for explaining it.
>>31690690You don't know if you would pick a beer or a tea when you're on your own watching a movie, or which tea flavor you would prefer?There are small preferences like those, yes, but not enough to form a hint of a personality. Water is my preferred drink because it's healthy and bread my preferred food because it's plentiful and filling, but the preference for those comes from an external reason ('it's healthy') rather than me simply liking it best, and that goes for everything from what flavours I like to what I enjoy and what I value, both of which change depending on who I'm with regardless. >There must be things you like and dislike right?Little things which I assume are universal, like disliking the cold and liking eating a meal after being hungry. Maybe some small niche of people like/dislike these things, but it's human nature to not want to be cold and starving. >And you, well you have your own preferences and values and ideas. I'm sure of it. You're very encouraging. Thank you. I don't know what I can do to thank you more but I'm grateful.>>31690743Maybe. But I've yet to find someone who is in exactly the same position.
>>31690395
>>31690395>I don't have any concept left of who I am as a person.>Starting from my teens, I've spent so long desperately vying for the validation and respect of others out of a dire lack of self-esteem that I can hardly remember who I was and what I like.There you are. That’s you. You are a person who desperately vies for attention to nurse a lack of esteem. That’s who you are, you’re a person who thinks they lost who they are, that’s who you are. Accept that is who you are, and there (you) are. >its shameful its painful its not who i want to beThat’s normal to feel. Embrace the pain and suffering. That’s why you feel empty, emptiness is what happens when you avoid facing the pain from the past. That pain was and is you. ALSOHot tip - you are not your own thoughts. Read this x10 times to yourself each day, verbalize it. “I am not my thoughts”. Because you’re not. No-one is. Thoughts don’t actually exist in reality. Notice how you don’t see them anywhere visually? Can’t feel em physically? It’s cuz they dont exist. >But where donI exist? What am I?Your heart, OP. You are your own heart. Always have been, always will be. The mind is just the spokesperson for the heart, that is all. The radio speaker isn’t the music itself. Nor is your own mind actually (you). You are you. In your heart.
>>31690395Based mafuyuposter
>>31691798Thank you. I really appreciate this.>You are a person who desperately vies for attention to nurse a lack of esteem.Though I suppose the next question is, how can I fix this? If I was able to become confident enough to not worry about the thoughts of others, then I would've gotten out of this situation long ago.>>31691982I don't play games anymore, but Mafuyu resonates with me more than any real person has.
>>31690395Self identity is reddit. >Hurr durr I don't know who I am?!?!?Good, one less thing to worry about
>>31693768It is something to worry about when I’m wasting every day not knowing what to do and what I want to do.
>>31693767>Though I suppose the next question is, how can I fix this? If I was able to become confident enough to not worry about the thoughts of others, then I would've gotten out of this situation long ago.Well, maybe see it in a neutral light rather a bad one. Maybe your brain knew what you had needed and only looked to others so much because you felt that they could tell you who you are. Like using the audience (people you meet) as a mirror for you to try and piece the puzzle together. Only the puzzle always had a missing piece, right? Something always felt missing, bit like a void? That missing piece is (you) shaped. You are your own missing piece. That is you. So with that in mind, the next logical step is: be good to yourself. Understand where you’ve been, what you’ve gone through, and what you are facing today and treat yourself with the same kindness you’ve been giving to others. That’s how OP.
I only skimmed the previous answers so sorry if I'm repeating something that's already been said, but this topic hits home. I spent a good chunk of my life so depressed that I can't even recall most of it. I did get proper medication to help me with my mental health issues after I reached a breaking point, but my personality at that point was basically shit and shallow.What helped me the most was embracing and accepting that I'm starting from complete zero. Like a complete overhaul of everything I've known about myself up til then. I picked up random hobbies, and dropped them quickly if I didn't like them. I started trying out food left and right, I listened to a wide range of music, I went to shopping centres just to try on tons of different clothes. This also helped me figure out things I hated, which is an equally important part of a personality. It took me a few years to get a better grasp of "myself", but I think I'm getting there. I also got into philosophy a bit to help me define my thoughts and values about the world, since my worldview before that was shaped by pain and thoughts I didn't experience anymore.I also learned to interact with people from complete zero by reading books and guides. I can hold a conversation with strangers and friends now where both sides enjoy it. And by talking to different people, I figured out what kind of person I want to and don't want to be. Also, there is no "true" self per se. You are perceived differently by every single person that ever meets you, and if they described you back to you, you might not even recognize yourself. You might think of yourself as uninteresting and shallow, but to someone whose background is completely different, you might be incredibly interesting. Even the things you like and dislike might change over time, so there's no point to stressing over it too much.
>>31695056What I'm trying to get at is basically this: trying to replicate a "you" from the past isn't all that helpful, focus on the "you" that you can be now. Things you don't need/want can be left in the past, and that will make room for new things you want now. The "you" that you are right now is things you do, want, and need now.
>>31690395How about you try some non social hobbies to develop, like: reading, writing, puzzles, building models, etc. choose them on a whim and commit to them for a while in order see if you like them or not; change them if you want after a while. that way you will learn what you like and don't like. however, to avoid the problem of your undefined personality, make the vow of not talking about them or displaying the activity or its results in any way. I mean complete secrecy about them, not even a commentary to a co-worker or family member.
>>31695074nta but to someone who went through the same thing, thanks this helps a ton.
>>31694704>>31695056>>31695074>>31695106Thank you.
>>31690395You are lacking only one thing; experience. You aren't a person, you are basically a child. You feel the imposter syndrome typical to many late blooming youths. That will only go away with time. If you're going to therapists and what not you're only fucking yourself.
