>>32001709
No it's still there from time to time. Happy marriage is a meme. What people regard as "happy" is really just a boring stable marriage, and if both of you and your partner are not on the same page, it can open doors to cheating or regrets if one thinks marriage is suppose to be an emotional roller coaster like romantic movies

>>32001709
No. I was over them before getting married. Marriage doesn't change anything in that regard

>>32001725
So is 'being willing to marry someone' mostly a rational calculation of whether you can get along with someone for the foreseeable future?

>>32001831
As cold as it sounds, yea.
Marriage has always been about pragmatic measures. Being married for romantic reasons is merely a recent invention.

But many people end up getting too spooked by the romance aspect of marriage. That's why they called it a "honeymoon" phase because all the emotions are going all over the place. It's only when you suddenly wake up in the middle of the night to your wife, you look at her and think to yourself "damn she actually sucks". But you can't just leave the marriage anymore because in addition to that, you now have kids, a job to maintain, a mortgage you're enslaved to, and most likely have build up rapport with your wife's family and friends.

Meanwhile everyone's asleep and you're at kitchen getting a beer from the fridge and wonder if getting married to your high school sweetheart would've spiced up your life in contrary to the mundane aspects of your marriage, but then you realize it's all a fantasy and marriage with your high school sweetheart would've also sucked in different way. At least you're thankful your wife isn't batshit insane and already has plans for tonight's dinner.

>>32001882
To play devil's advocate here: 'But is/how is this happiness?'

I am partially also asking because I was left by a girl (24) claiming I am too rational about relationships ('for me it's more about feelings'), shortly after I told her something similar (trust in your partner's judgement is more important than pure feeling). Her mother (a woman married for 20 years) following the break-up also asked me whether 'feelings should also not play an important role' ? Other friends have said the same.
My parents raised me to believe that commitment and duty were the thing that kept a relationship going.

I am just very curious in what way my conception of love might be wrong.

>>32001709
I don't find those sort of regrets helpful or even good in a masochistoc sense so I e purged them from myself.
My happy marriage has no effect on it.

>>32002040
Happiness is a temporary state. An exception to the mean. You shouldn't not make life choices with it has a goal. You're going to experience the whole spectrum no matter what.

>>32002040
There needs to be a balance somewhere in the middle but when you focus on too much feelings than opragmatic measures it can lead to a ton of headache and stress that leads to a lot of problems couldve been solved by reading a book for many people. The other "too rational" approach I suppose would be too focused on security and wealth, which a lot marriages are also based on but it also leads to a state of alienation where the marriage feels "sterile" and not "authentic".

That's why there needs to be compromises involved with both partners. A marriage can look "perfect" on paper but it can lead also to a different type of problems like not feeling wanted or dealing with an uninterested partner.

But too much emotional roller coasters also lead to a huge problems all together.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, marrying a woman you get along with is crucial but at the same time don't expect marriage to be the end of totality of things where things are 100 ercent perfect. It's not and often times you'll need to work with your wife about shit that isn't even romantic like allocating funds or who gets to fix what or whatever. This is why conflict resolution is important and why having a crazy unstable emotional wife is awful when you're looking to fix things.

This is where you sort of learn why some people's marriages are so goddamn awful. Some of them are literally just toxic high school relationships with a ring on it.

>>32001709
>Does marriage greatly reduce or even remove lingering thoughts and regrets/remorse about past failed relationships?


No.

>>32001709

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/1948550619876633

There was a study that men remember past lovers more fondly than women do. Also look on the Taxi Cab Theory in which men decide at most random opportune moment to marry someone just because they are ready for commitment and not really because they want the woman as his wife. Which is then tied to First Love theory, or a lover in which a man feels strong towards and will always remember her even after being married to another woman and having children with her. Many such cases.

The answer is No.

>>32002110
This probably is the most reasonable way to look at it: There is always a middle way.

But how does one find that middle way if not through
1. External pressures (financial, familial, internal...)
2. Just settling for what happens to be around because 'it's about time, isn't it'?
3. Feelings, I guess...you will just know man, don't worry about it. We all find someone. (the most common comment I hear)
Especially the first two don't seem recepies for fulfilled (not saying happy) relationships.

I know this is a pointless question with no meaningful answer. It is just such an odd thing to 'not worry about or think about, because it's just a roll of the dice anyway'.

>>32001831
Yes. Long-term relationships do have a kind of transactional nature to them in some regard, but the attachment also motivates you to try and keep the other person in the relationship stable and happy. Though arguably the motivation for that can be slightly selfish since you're around that person all the time.
>>32002040
That girl had a very immature and fanciful perception of what makes a relationship work. Other cultures have norms or perceptions that love is supposed to be confrontational or dramatic in order for passion to be pragmatic, but that kind of turbulence would drive me insane.
The most important things to look for are shared goals, shared ethical standards, and a commitment to avoid resentment by resolving issues before they fester.

>>32001882
I'm kinda sad because my relationship sometimes feels this way, and we are not yet married but are engaged.

We will just have conversations that lead to little arguments where I just realize we have different viewpoints on how things are. We're both to stubborn to lower our defensiveness to hear what the other person is saying (it's actually her, fuck you Linda)

Guys I need advice, I'm not married but been together with gf for 10 years. She's from a rich Asian family but a 4 on a good day. I'm a 7 by contrast (+1 point for being white in Asia). We're mid 30s and have a business together that hasn't gone anywhere because she's never had to work for money. She does a lot of "work" endlessly but refuses to make smart decisions or investments that could take the business forward. I'm not from a rich background so it's kinda nice living in her big house and going on expensive holidays.

There's a deep vacuum in my life because I hate the particular country that we're living in, the business will never succeed enough to help bring my own personal finances up, neither of us want kids and dating wise it's very underwhelming and I fantasize about screwing around pretty much 24/7. But basically I lucked out by finding someone several economic tiers higher than myself and if I take off I'll be back to peasant tier. She has 0 ambition because she already has plenty of money but my own personal finances suck, I'm always helping to fund 50% of the business and it won't fucking take off because it's just some rich girl hobby for her, but I literally have nothing else in my life I don't even have a degree, just a decade of pouring my blood sweat and tears into this thing. What the hell do I do?

>>32004321
what kind of business is it

I guess it's also your fault if the business hasn't succeeded, not just hers

>>32001709
When my wife and I first started dating we were not exclusive, and I was seeing 3 other women regularly. After about a month, I broke it off with them all besides my wife. There was one girl who was a little crazy and really into me. She gave me a BJ on a hotel balcony and swallowed. After being married for 15 years, I still think about if I had the other girl instead. It likely wouldn't have worked out, but then my career path and life would have been entirely different.

>>32001709
>happily married
>browse 4chan
lol
lmao even

Sometime I feel like I was a dick to them. But no, the past relationships failed for obvious reasons and that was clearly visible within two weeks of them ending

>>32001709

Roflmao. No. Why would you think otherwise? Marriage isn't some magic thing. It's just a contract.

To make a marriage happy takes work. Lots of it. Every single day. Work on yourself. Work in the form of effort to maintain the relationship. Work in the form of actively showing your spouse you love them. It's a 24/7 full-time job in and of itself.

It also requires acceptance of your spouses flaws, tolerance of their annoying habits and, wait for it, an understanding that a happy marriage isn't happy 24/7/365. There will be disagreements. There will be fights. There will be times when you don't know why you even married them in the first place. Then you'll calm down and remember why.

Your regrets for relationships past need to he resolved before you even consider looking for a serious relationship with someone, let alone progressing towards marriage.

>>32004330
>what kind of business is it

premium/luxury interior decoration. I have no formal education in that but a good eye and ability to produce decent designs.

>>32004330
>I guess it's also your fault if the business hasn't succeeded, not just hers

You're right. I could definitely have worked harder. We all could say that. But let me give you an anecdote to explain what I'm talking about. Early on when we were trying to make sales I took it upon myself to learn digital marketing and advertising. Spent a bunch of my own money on running ads (she didn't believe it could work so I funded it) and got spectacular results. Unfortunately she couldn't figure out how to maintain simple materials supply chains to make sure we could keep producing. Every time I try to get myself involved in fixing it we end up fighting over it. This kind of situation has come up countless times where I try to improve things and need her cooperation and help but she just won't budge.

Yes you're right that I'm not entirely blameless. But I can tell you that every single decision that was ever made and pushed through to improve and expand the business was made by me, 100% of the time. Any talk that was ever had about how the figures are looking was initiated by me 100% of the time. She has 100000 times the money I do, yet she will stay up late doing accounting herself because she doesn't want to spend money on admin help.

The worst part is that these disagreements seep into personal life. If it was just a 9-5 job I could *maybe* put up with her as a business partner. But she's a life partner and we live together so when we fight on stuff it hangs over us 24/7.

i don’t care about past girls but i have cheated on my wife and will again. those girls in the past are as old as me and i want some fresh pussy

>>32004465
why not just run the business yourself and get her family to give you a loan or something

then you couldn't blame your gf for being shitty at business. clearly she doesn't really care that much for the

>>32001709
>Past relationships
If you love the woman you are married to. Yes. I still thinking about this Bulgarian hottie that was throwing herself at me in uni one night and I was too exhausted from finals to notice or act. But like, i don’t care. I am with this amazing woman who loves me who has seen me at my worst and loves me, who helped me through a year of disability and therapy to get back to being able to work. She had my kid, and things are crazy hard but we never loose sight of our love for each other.

It is crazy how some people seem to think this is a myth or degrading to take part in.

>>32001709
>Does marriage greatly reduce or even remove lingering thoughts and regrets/remorse about past failed relationships?
How the fuck would I know?
I don't have lingering thoughts. If I notice myself doing a thought I don't want, then I stop doing it. Problem solved by not having problem.
Remorse is the same way. If I don't want to have remorse or regret, I just stop. Past failed relationships are in the past and they don't concern me anymore.

>>32004338
Are these feelings linked with any regret? How do these thoughts feel to you?

>>32004446
But is it even possible to ever fully 'get over' someone? What I mean is that yes, one learns to live with one's own wrong decisions and the pain other people have caused, but do these feelings truly leave or does one just learn to 'put them in lowest drawer of the cupboard'?

>>32005028
You're a luck man to have someone willing to support you like that. Not many people do.

>>32001831
That's any long term relationship, really.
With marriage, it's all that but with the additional factors of finances, kids, etc.

I'm in a 10 year long relationship, while I'm not planning on marrying at any point, I can safely say that no, I don't get over the past failed relationships.

I know most of them were failed from the get go and the girls I missed out on still linger in my mind, I wish I could go back and fix the mistakes that I've made to have a chance with them and at least get to fuck them once.

That said, I wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend, I just passively wish I was with a hotter chick.

>>32006349
Is having such active thoughts and considerations healthy in the long term? Are they not a risk factor going forward?

>>32006339
But is a strong emotional basis necessary in the beginning? Or can you get by one a 'more utilitarian' basis?

>>32008364
I would day yes. He'll probably Chetan down the line or it will get to him simple. Not the same anon. Could be wrong tho and if he manages himself well then she'll never know and move forward as if nothing is happening. After all you never know a person and you will never know what they are truly thinking so this is probably more common too.

>>32006328
Not the anon but
>Do you ever get over someone
Usually people that can't get over someone just have emotional immaturity and can't get over a relationship that ended 10 years ago. It can happen with women as well and is probably due to the fact that whenever there's problems in a relationship they start thinking if it would be better with someone else when it would also be better if they got out of their own assessment and do something about the problems instead of whining and bitching