>>32007588
I went to therapy, Self-harm is something that will put you in a psych ward depending on how it escalates. Your condition mentally sounds horrible, so they'll document that too and point you towards meds probably since it's an easy-out and will lobotomize you.

>>32007588
You aren't a bad person just because you are struggling or decided to cut.

>should i tell them i'm cutting or will that put me in the psych ward?
The western world demonizes anyone who communicates thoughts of self harm and unvetted online therapists probably don't have proper training or education to understand that it's actually very common and normal. Build a rapport with the therapist first and judge whether they are worth your time to really talk to or not.

>>32007614
did you go to an irl therapist or online therapy? honestly I'd be fine with meds at this point if it helps. I'm tired of being a burden on my partner and stressing her out with my episodes.

>>32007622
thanks, I think that might be a good plan. I haven't started it yet, and I'm kind of expecting the online therapy to be worthless but i want to try to get better. I just can't afford a proper therapist. fucking health insurance only covers it after deductible is met and I sure as hell can't afford $150-$200 every week living on my own

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>>32007622
>unvetted online therapists probably don't have proper training or education to understand that it's actually very common and normal
>actually cutting into your own fucking flesh and feeling contented at the sight of your own blood
>very common and normal
Self destructive behaviors are normal, you can call overeating or alcoholism a form of self harm, but actually cutting yourself with bladed implements is serious business.
>>32007588
>should I tell them I'm cutting or will that put me in the psych ward?
If they did, is that really the worst place for you to be? You need to unfuck your brain, pronto, and minimize the permanent damage you are doing to yourself.

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>>32007643
I can't afford to end up in there financially and probably lose my job. I'm able to keep it together and pretend at being a good wagie, so it's not like I'm completely broken.
I don't want to die or anything, I've just found pain knocks me out of my spiraling and brings me back to reality better than any other sort of coping mechanism I've tried. overall my life is improving, I just need a bit of help to get this under control. i think.

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>>32007643
>If they did, is that really the worst place for you to be?
Those institutions don't have a real interest in treating anyone. They are businesses that charge a lot of money, and getting out of the system is almost impossible. In many US States, people can be admitted against their will if police or a medical professional ask for it.

>>32007657
nta but answer seems obvious, no? you need to find some other way to interrupt the spiraling. the next time you want to engage in explicit self-harming, tell yourself you'll do it the next day (get so far as planning an e.g. time and place), and instead try meditating on your feelings. it's very easy to get absorbed in your feelings and project them on the world (e.g. when you're anxious, existence FEELS anxious), but there is in fact a difference between you,nan observer, and your feelings, and when you can start to examine your feelings in this quasi-detached manner, you'll find that usually there isn't much propping it up. you'll get temporary relief; at first it'll be very temporary, but as you do this more and more, the relief will grow until finally all it will take to banish your anxiousness is remember that it's kind of thin and not actually present.

>>32007681
exactly - I have a friend with bpd that ended up in the psych ward for a few days and they still have trauma from it. they more or less refuse to go to any doctors out of fear of ending up there again, and it's been like 10 years. If I ended up in there, my life would 100% be over instead of the like 30% of an issue that cutting currently is. if there's a sizable chance of ending up in there, I'd rather just not go to therapy at all. but I feel like anyone with a brain could see that I'm not that insane. I have a job, I have friends, I exercise and take care of my body. I'm not a total lost cause.

>>32007700
I hadn't read or considered anything about planning the self harm or pushing it off, that's an idea. like, right now I'm in my right mind and I (me, the sane one) have no logical desire to, but looking down at my cuts I (my emotions) do feel an itch in the back of my mind reminding me of the relief I felt doing it. but at the time when it happens, it genuinely feels like there's no solution besides that. my sanity has left the building. It feels like I have finally found a way to fix my brain and stop being a burden to people with my spiraling, but I know that that's not the right thing to do.
I'll try and push off the cutting next time I'm losing my mind. I think maybe if I set a reminder on my phone then it might help.

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>>32007681
Common USA L
>>32007657
>I can't afford to end up in there financially and probably lose my job.
Cool, but nobody here is qualified to help somebody who is cutting.
>>32007735
A more cynical poster might wonder if you ask for help but don't seek it wholeheartedly, what's the point of this thread? You need help that can't be acquired from an anonymous advice board because you are cutting your own skin. Saving face in a new relationship is a low priority, now would be a good time to leverage any decent family ties for support whilst you re-learn self-preservation.

>>32007807
lmao family ties I wish

I ended up with this shitty guy for 10 years because I was kicked out by my family. I was depressed in college and trying to recover and had to drop out for a semester, but when I got home for the summer they took my antidepressants, flushed them down the toilet, and forced me to get a job because they said I've ruined my life and have no future. I did my best and put my nose to the grindstone, worked, and went back to college despite wanting to die and when I told them that once I finish college I'm moving out, they kicked me out that day, and stole my SSN, drivers license, birth certificate, and cell phone. I started my adult life with nothing. My grandma briefly sheltered me until my ex drove halfway across the country and picked me up, where I lived in his basement for years.

so I don't really have any family ties I can rely on. I'm doing my best out here. I just can't end up in the psych ward and lose all my progress. I know cutting is wrong, that's why I posted this thread. I'm going to try the other more helpful anon's advice to feel out a therapist before dropping the cutting ball on them, and try and force myself to schedule cutting for a later date next time I feel like I should. you don't have to tell me that I need to re-learn self-preservation, I am well aware.

working for 8 years and everything is spent on food (I take it there was no rent) and video games with no savings? fucking video games? this does not add up.

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>>32007910
We literally only ate fast food mostly via doordash, it was pretty bad pic related. I also was paying off my student loans. and two years ago, the car his parents bought for him broke down and I had to spend $8k of my $10k savings to buy a new engine on a car that's not even in my name.
after a year of saving from that though, I did have some money, which is how I managed to move out and live alone now. hence the current stress over avoiding the psych ward because I have about $3k of savings left which will not last long if I lose my job.

>>32007854
Fair enough, but if the psych ward is an absolute no-go and I'm guessing any decent therapist is ethically bound to section you once you're deemed a threat to yourself, how do you feel it out? Whatever rapport you build, a professional is going to have some idea of what you're angling for.
Sorry you don't feel like I'm being especially sympathetic but you've said in this thread
>but I feel like anyone with a brain could see that I'm not that insane
>my sanity has left the building
with regards to cutting, so you've got to appreciate it seems like you have a limited ability to help yourself except to seek others, especially given the circumstances.
I remember seeing girls using rubber banding and other methods that cause pain but are usually limited to light bruising. Is it possible you can do something more in that direction to tide you over?
I'd be looking for intense sensations that are relatively less damaging that can replace cutting.

>>32007588
>got turned out by chad and lived in a basement with him for 8 years while paying for his shit

amazing.

>>32007634
I went to online therapy. It was free, and some therapists do it for free. I had 3 free sessions with mine to file out some paperwork which helped. You should go through several therapists and see which one vibes with you the most.

>>32007948
you do make a good point - even if I'm okay right now, it's only a matter of time before I am no longer okay and decide that cutting makes sense. I guess I'm just hoping to find a therapist who won't ship me off at the first sign of self harm if they can see I'm making an attempt to fix myself and I am not seeking to end my life. but that's wholly based on the type of therapist I end up with. I know legally they can break hippa if I'm a danger to myself and others, but I feel like if I build a relationship with the therapist they would be able to see that that would ruin any sort of progress I've made in my life. fear of bringing up the cutting will stop me from getting the help I really need, so I guess it's a catch-22.
I do have some rubber bands that are conveniently in the kitchen where I store my knives, so maybe I can take advantage of the human desire for the past of least resistance and move rubber bands or other similar things closer to where I cut and encourage myself to do that instead. or maybe I'll try biting more, since that never broke the skin.

>>32007975
did you use one of those apps like betterhelp or whatever, or did you find irl therapists that also do online therapy? I signed up for a monthly subscription with teladoc but I have no idea how it's going to go. I wasn't able to find any accessible free therapists in my area after searching a while

>>32007588
Women truly are miserable creatures. The fact that you couldn't be content with a life spent eating fast food, playing video games, and having sex just proves that women can't just fucking live and enjoy life. You're always causing drama and fucking up your life and the lives of everyone around you. Stop being a stupid cunt, find a good man to attach yourself to, and enjoy life with him. Women have it so fucking easy it's unreal. All you have to do is be fucking nice and don't eat like a pig and 95% of men will be happy to have you.

Your guy is either a cool chill guy or a loser. It depends on where he lives. Living in your parent's basement at 30 sucks but if you're in a big city that's just how it is nowadays. Nobody can afford $2,500/month rent. On the other hand if you live in a place where rent is still affordable and he's just a lazy bum that refuses to get a job, he was a loser and you were right to leave him. You need to find another man though.

>>32008126
imo she should have just married the guy. they're the same person at this point with all the DNA she absorbed from him

Get professional help like medications or therapy but I have zero sympathy for you for choosing to be with somebody like that for 8 fucking years. You could have left at any point in time, but you didn't.

>>32008126
You don't have to tell me to stop being a stupid cunt anon, I am well aware that wasting years of my life was pretty fucking stupid, but it's too late now

since my current apartment is $1,200/mo and I'm able to afford it on my own without him, he's just a lazy sack of shit that was milking my complacency.

>>32008128
also for what its worth samefag, he had issues cumming even though every other guy I've been with had zero issues nutting inside, so I actually didn't absorb very much DNA from him.

>>32008134
yup, I fucked up and ruined my prime adult years, but I didn't realize how shitty he was until other people looked in on the relationship and told me to get the fuck out there. I had no friends besides his friends and no family so no one I interacted with was ever going to call me out on it until I started making friends of my own who could see past the bullshit. I spent 8 years of my life thinking I deserved no better than that life and now I'm paying the price.

>>32008144
8 fucking years. Why didn't you dimwits marry?

>>32008176
because I told him that I wasn't going to marry a man who couldn't get a job. and even with that incentive, he still couldn't do it. I originally planned on having a kid with him back when I was younger and even stupider, so I refused to marry until he could prove that he could support me, and he clearly couldnt. that sort of thinking should be right up your alley, redpill anon.

>>32007588
I won't read glutton for punishment who lived in a dungeon for eight years on a hope and a dream threads.

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>>32008228
thanks for the free bump!

>>32008009
I used this
https://www psychologytoday com/us
You can find local therapists who also do online.

Some of them will do online consultation and will resonate with you giving you some free sessions. Only the really empathetic ones, some are out there just for money.

>>32008339
appreciate it, I'll take a look through there and see what I can find. I originally on my research found two nearby that had sliding scale payment and I was in the income bracket where I'd hardly have to pay anything, but because my insurance technically covers mental health after paying my $2,000 deductible, I'm not eligible for any of the sliding scale payment sadly

>>32008348
Therapy sucks personally, I've talked to a decent amount of therapists and you can tell when one of them is purely out there for money.

A lot of therapy will end up with you just self actualizing the advice and growing by yourself with a helping hand. If that's what you want you can find it in a friend or someone whose willing to talk to you.

>>32008371
Yeah, I think I just need a bit of a nudge and help finding better coping mechanisms. like I said, I know I shouldn't cut and all that, but things have just gotten out of control right now. I went to therapy briefly in college where it was free on campus, and the therapist I had there was great but I doubt I'll be lucky enough to find another one like that easily, especially not one online.

I gotta go get some groceries, but if anyone else wants to come call me a useless cunt who needs to be put in the psych ward I'll be back in an hour or so!

>spend a decade getting used as a live-in whore in some bums basement while paying for his meals and vidya
Lmfao

>>32007588
>8 (eight) years as he constantly promised he would get a job and move out.
kek ur an idiot. sorry you held out on such a piece of shit for so long tho. Oh well. Me alone and have own apartment. Am 29. U fat? No kid? U in relm of possible mate.

If have kid and or fat no talke me. if no not. den come fug.

>>32008932
>I told that online friend of mine I mentioned earlier (that I'm now dating and have a 3 mos visit planned in a month)

I see that reading comprehension isn't your strong suit. that's okay, if I can eventually gain some brain cells and leave my loser ex, I'm sure retards like you have potential too!

>>32008971
didnt read and not really care just came her to call u big dumb dumb for staying with retard with no improvement for eight fucking years. should have left at like year 2 after he obviously just doesn't do shit

me make big BIG money. have good job. make strives for better society. fix plane many people ride on. seethe all u want dumb dumb vagina. you wasted decade in basement with even dumber retard than me. I just proposition for whet hole. u not actually good woman. grug done.

>>32008406
>but if anyone else wants to come call me a useless cunt who needs to be put in the psych ward
Have you ever been to a psych ward? I don't particularly think that you want to be locked away and degraded before you're forcefed medication. People who go to psych wards typically don't improve like you're probably imagining they do

>>32008988
I like this anon

>>32009009
I don't actually want to be locked away, that's the crux of the issue. I know that doing that would absolutely ruin my life and would 100% not fix me. But I'm scared that if I try and go to therapy and improve and it comes out that I'm cutting, they'll send me away. but I'm also scared if I don't make an effort to improve and if I don't be open with the therapist and genuinely seek help, it's just going to get worse and worse.

>>32009027
Why don't you just find another guy and whine to him

If you give him pussy afterwards any man will let you whine to them and act like a therapist

>>32007588
My only advice is to try and be proud of what you've achieved and give yourself a break. You've made a huge change in your life by breaking up with some asshole which must have taken a lot of confidence and energy, sounds like you could have been doing that for even longer.
Whenever anyone goes through a huge change in their life, it feels stressful and tiring, even it that change is a good and right one.
I can't speak for the self-harm aspect because that's not something I've had to deal with, but sounds like you're making the right steps by seeking help with therapy... maybe start therapy then tell your new love interest. From my perspective, putting myself in their shoes, it might be easier to swallow hearing that you're in therapy.
Good luck anon

>>32009045
ah yes, let me just let myself be used as a hole for 8 more years and then realize that somehow getting dick doesn't cure me of my mental illness, excellent idea

>>32009085
thank you anon, I think waiting until I formally start therapy to tell her might be the right play. I think if I dump it on her "hey you know how a week ago I said I was attempting to cut well you left for two days and now I am actually cutting" might be a bit rough on her. i appreciate your kind words!

>>32007588
>my (30f) mental health has plummeted and i could use some advice.
Change your feelings to match reality instead of deluding yourself that reality will change to match your feelings.

>my whole life I've had to deal with bpd splitting and meltdowns, and I've finally found something that brings me back to my senses.
Seems justified in the current moment. Try buying a handheld electric prod to reduce the chance of infections - open wound can lead to infection, electric shock can't.

>>32009120
>ah yes, let me just let myself be used as a hole for 8 more years and then realize that somehow getting dick doesn't cure me of my mental illness, excellent idea
I meant do that to someone who's actually capable of sustaining a family, most women do exactly what I told you, it's called dating then hopefully marrying

I'm telling you to go date a guy and then get married and hopefully bear children

>>32009120
> I think waiting until I formally start therapy to tell her might be the right play
Yeah, definitely something to broach with your therapist before you go ahead and tell them, gives you motivation to find that therapist too. They're also not physically in touch with you, so they might feel pretty helpless if you did tell them. It's great that someone genuinely cares about you, so my obvious, goes without saying advice is try your hardest not deal with the bad times with self harm. My only reference to self harm is smoking weed everyday, especially to deal with depression, I've quit completely for a month now and it's done me a lot of good but there are still shit times, I just gotta deal with them differently.
I kinda know what you mean about being scared of getting locked in a psych ward, I reached out to a therapist not long ago and I really didn't want to tell them I had had suicidal thoughts just in case

>>32009175
The upside to this is that when you whine to your guy they won't lock you up in a psychward

>>32009135
>Change your feelings to match reality instead of deluding yourself that reality will change to match your feelings.
It took me a couple of reads for it to click, but I think that's actually pretty helpful. Part of the reason I've been cutting is because I get stuck in my head and feelings and lose touch with reality. Anything to bring me back where I realize I'm spiraling over nothing helps. I might try and go back to biting - I haven't broke the skin yet. though...I know if I do manage to break the skin that's really bad. maybe the electric shocker is an idea.

>>32009175
I'm honestly anxious at the thought of hooking up with another guy after so many failed relationships. I tried going into the previous one with the concept of marrying and having kids, and look where that got me. I'm 30 and acutely aware of my limited time to have kids, and since I'm fucked in the head, and my parents are fucked in the head, it's probably for the best I don't.

>>32009182
Yeah, the lack of physical contact is pretty rough. I just hope that I'm able to get in therapy before she visits in a month. It's going to be kind of hard to keep cutting a secret if I'm still doing it then. I hope you're doing better yourself!

>>32008642
It's incredible how women actually think the sexual """revolution""" helped them

>>32009120
>let me just let myself be used as a hole for 8 more years
Nobody forced you to have sex outside of marriage

>>32009209
Yeah try your best to get therapy, even if you don't manage it then you can honestly tell her that you tried.
Also don't be too scared to tell the therapist you're cutting, because it's obvious you want to live from what you're saying. I'm from UK so it might be different, but I reckon if you saw a doctor over here they would give you some sertraline, a phone number to call and send you on your not so merry way

>>32009209
>I tried going into the previous one with the concept of marrying and having kids, and look where that got me. I'm 30 and acutely aware of my limited time to have kids
I don't know anything about you other than the fact you're some crazy bitch (most women let's be honest), but considering the fact that wasted 8 years of your life with some loser, why don't you aim for someone who's not a loser? I've never dated, and don't really intend to, but I'd imagine if I did I'd pretty quickly dump someone who isn't compatible with my goals

>>32009227
at least someone's getting laid

>>32009254
>at least someone's getting laid
Not the guy you replied to but getting laid for 8 years and becoming a total loser doesn't sound that appealing

>>32009262
>Not the guy you replied to
You're not getting laid either right?

>>32009279
>You're not getting laid either right?
Yeah like I said in
>>32009251
I'm a virgin

>>32008176
>>32008128
>she should’ve married him
Fucking lol, he was unemployed and living in his parents’ basement.

>>32009246
I can only hope it goes that smoothly. I doubt meds will magically fix me but god I'll take going back to the gray haze of being on antidepressants if it means I won't deal with this roller coaster of existence right now

>>32009251
I should've left him years ago. but, the issue everyone seems to be missing is I was living with him with no family to go back to. I didn't make enough to move out until years of working - when I first moved there I was making $10/hr working fast food. by the time I was making enough money to move out on my own, I had already grown complacent and accepted this miserable life was my future. yeah, sticking with him was retarded but the other option was being homeless.

>>32009301
32 years old and living in his parents basement. his parents never pushed him to get a job the whole time I was living there. in fact, his mom was furious when I left. he was a fucking loser and I was a dumbass who thought I didn't deserve anything better.

>>32009322
>I didn't make enough to move out until years of working
But now you do? So don't date loser men now? I don't understand the issue

>>32007588
Actual psychfag here. Good on you for leaving and focusing on yourself by the by. Especially with losing weight, exercising, having homecooked meals and getting friends. Not gonna lie, that's pretty hard to do nowadays, and the fact you did this from where you started is pretty fucking impressive. Give yourself some props because you do deserve it.

Beyond that, here's the real 'meat and potatoes.' It's good that you acknowledge cutting is not a good outlet, so you're self aware, and not everyone is like that. That said, self-harming is still pretty bad.
>my whole life I've had to deal with bpd splitting and meltdowns
Ah, assuming this is previously diagnosed and not self-diagnosed. Regardless, my condolences, shit sucks
>and I've finally found something that brings me back to my senses
From what I can tell, this isn't a situation of 'the physical pain makes the psychological/emotional pain tangible' but a 'I'm spiraling and need to snap myself out of it' type deal

Thankfully, there are a couple solutions for this. Ymmv, but you could try 'snapping yourself out of it' via sensory overload. What does that mean? It means you fuck up your concentration and focus on something else. How do you do it? Lots of different ways. Is there a genre of music you absolutely hate or find disorienting (death metal is great for this, but I actually love it)? Get earbuds, put them in, and turn up the volume (not too loud, though). Get a stress ball that has some texture on it (maybe one that has those spikey little bits that are still soft) and squeeze it. Suck on a mint, sniff deodorant and look at a weird optical illusion, and yes, I'm serious. The goal is to stimulate as many of your senses as possible as this can confuse the mind. This is a good short term solution as you work on your bpd which is likely where the cutting stems from.

>>32010837
It sounds really fucking stupid, but it can work; that said, this is usually used for people who are anxious and have panic attacks, but it could work when you’re spiraling.

Two other options you could try would be a tactile sort of meditation. Touch the tip of your thumb to each top digit of each finger on the same hand, and when you reach the end, move down to the next section until you go through all three (while counting); once at the bottom, go backwards while counting backwards. Final option is to go for a run each time you want to cut. At home and the urge comes up? Nope, it's running time. And when you run, I mean you need to be sprinting. If it helps, and this is what I used to do as I was the former of the 'pain makes the psychological/emotional pain tangible' is to still run while I developed a stitch. It's fucking painful and hurts like hell, but goddamn do you feel untouchable as you keep moving like the fucking machine you are off of pure willpower.

So, we covered some possible solutions short-term coping strategies, but what about the long-term? Welp, therapy’s the best way truthfully. That said, don’t go for any therapist as life coaches can be ‘therapists’ and they suck major donkey dick. Find someone that’s a clinical psychologist, and in your intake session, ask about their credentials. Also, mention that you’re looking for DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) as that is a therapy specifically meant to target BPD. If you aren’t already diagnosed, mention that you suspect you might have BPD and want to get checked out for it as the therapist may not know. Beyond all of that, you might want to check local colleges in your area as some may offer a psych clinic at a discounted price (with/without insurance) since they have to train grad students somehow. Ymmv on the grad students, but generally speaking they do alright.

>>32010841
Now we get to the final bit: disclosure of self-harm/intent to self-harm. Medical professionals, including mental health professionals, are bound by HIPPA and uphold confidentiality. Period. The only time confidentiality is lifted is if they are legally obligated to release information that is pertinent to a court case. Needless to say, you don’t have to worry about anyone knowing about your cutting.

That said, therapists are mandatory reporters. If they suspect that you are an IMMEDIATE harm to others or yourself, then they are obligated to contact the proper institutions. That said, it’s if you are an IMMEDIATE harm. I won’t lie, most therapists have a knee jerk reaction to suicidal ideation and self-harm due to liability, but a good therapist won’t. Since you have been cutting recently, that would qualify as immediate harm, but if it were a month or two ago, then the waters become more murky and it wouldn’t qualify as ‘immediate’ per say. My ultimate ask is that you do go to a clinical psychologist (or one in training) and not a ‘therapist’ in person. There should be opportunities available for you to do so. Online isn’t as great as in person, but if it’s something that can’t be changed, then go for online, but again, clinical psychologist and not a ‘therapist.’ Ask for DBT treatment. If it’s necessary, ask for medication, but only if things are too difficult to handle. Medication is meant to help alleviate the stress as you do the actual work, it isn’t meant to replace the work, and once you’ve gotten a handle on things, you’re then weaned off of it.
As a final word, chin-up. BPD has a treatment time of roughly 1-2 years. That time will be hell as you’ll be going through a war with yourself, but if you have a good support system that is willing to stick it with you, and so long as you are dedicated to making progress and working on yourself, you will make it out.

>>32007588
It sounds like a complex range of emotions your repressing or suppressing. Why do you cut? What mindset do you have before you start cutting? Why are regressing? What mindset and behaviors do you have when you're changing positively and which ones are the ones you have during regression or negative change? I'm no therapist, i'm fucked up as well but am younger than you and am a guy.

>>32011035
Fucking hell, samefagging, I typed your instead of you're. Also therapists probably will send you to the looney bin just to save their asses, not out of genuine desire to help. It'd be a liability and I think they're legally obligated to do so, depending on the jurisdiction.
If I'm being truthful, I'm only here cause i'm afraid of what may exist after we die and am not suicidal. Those two things keep me on this earth, not a genuine desire to live, but that is just my own fucked up mentality. I've thought about going to therapy before but i doubt it'd help me and certain things probably aren't a good idea to talk about unless I want to be sent to a psych ward against my will. I have zero desire to hurt anyone or myself