Posting here instead I'm fucked in the headAnd I don't know what to do.Things were bad as a child and I didn't know it. One day I felt this sudden shift inside myself. When I was maybe 6. People say they remember the moment they became self aware. It might have been that. It was a sudden realization but also this uncaring. When I became self aware, I realized my friend was also his own person and I didn't even really know him or like him because before becoming self aware it was like I was asleep and we just did things like we were on autopilot. Since becoming self aware and realizing I don't care about people I've always existed as an outsider (this has a lot to do with emotional abuse and neglect, and never being allowed to have friends over). Shortly after it happened I was moved from a school where I was comfortable and knew people, to a place where I didn't fit in. This was traumatic for me especially because of what I was going through. My parents were never there for me either and never asked how I was doing or if I was okay and adjusting well. I ended up hanging out with grades younger than me and people from different schools. I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I never developed an adult social identity, and I think because of all this and other things I developed BPD, vulnerable narcissism, and secondary psychopathy. I still to this day don't respect any social conventions and treat people like I can just use them. I know I'm like this so I've stopped interacting with people. I don't know what to do though.
I moved back in with my father after being homeless and now I just hide in my room because I realize how toxic my father is and it just brings it out in me. Fuck. Like I seriously can't even fit into regular society. I have to fake being a decent human being but I can't keep it up for anything longer than short interactions. I'm 38 now, I've been on assistance for most of my life, currently on disability. I just can't hide in this room anymore living with my toxic father. I can't bring myself to try to get properly socialized either because it's more than I want to put myself through. I don't even know if I'm capable. Maybe it's too late. I've never had a real friend. There's a lot I'm leaving out but I'm fucked in the head. I'm serious when I say I think I have secondary psychopathy. I don't think I can ever respect social conventions and if people knew how I really am they would want nothing to do with me. So I'm left with two options. Stay here with my toxic father or go homeless and live an extremely uncomfortable life. Fuck.
I'm going to shower. I'll reply when I get back if anyone replies
>>32008083I won't read fucked in the head threads. ngmi.
>>32008221K thanks for the bump
>>32008087Play an MMO.
>>32008304Ive never been able to get into an MMO but yeah I'll continue playing videogames until my situation becomes intolerable. I can't imagine spending 2 or three decades this way
>>32008332Seriously, if you can play an MMO it's a start for a social outlet. I wouldn't be damper like you are online. If possible, there's XIV's free trial but meeting people might be tough there. I would maybe even go into /vg/ and just look for an MMO there to be social.You have to start somewhere, and interacting with people irl or online is a start.
>>32008083Consider therapy/self-study about psychology and self-improvement. I have a lot of issues that are considered severe and it's helped me a lot. I know a lot of men struggle to do the therapy thing because it's so female-centric. But reading about your problems and talking to other people who are struggling/people who used to struggle/people who have helped people like you before, it makes a big difference.
