But I can't change the fact the dates just weren't that fun to me. She didn't ask for ANYTHING - she'd be perfectly fine doing whatever as long as it was with me. She gave me all of herself, she'd give me surprise gifts all the time, say she loves me. Not once did I suspect she was lying or not genuine in her actions. For the first time in my life, someone was giving me their entire world, holding nothing back. And I couldn't be happy with that. I was fucking devastated for two reasons - I can't feel "true love" for this girl AND I fucking know she deserves it. So I shed tears for both me and her. WHY was it not enough? What more could I ask for when someone gives you ALL they have? What, I'm a bit bored? We're not compatible? Scared to wait for her schooling to end? Is that enough to make me drop it? Turns out it was. Breaking up with her was extremely hard on my end, she was very reasonable and accepted my decision, even though she was obviously broken. And that just fucking hurts man. Thinking back on it, she never gave me a reason to be mad or angry about anything.

Unfortunately, we were in contact at least once a month since breakup, and it was me mostly initiating it because I just can't stand thinking she's ACTUALLY gone. Even though I broke up. I know, right? We meet a week ago, she actually bought me a birthday cake because she missed my birthday while out of the country :( I broke in tears. She wanted to know my answer - if we're getting back together, or no. Obviously, she deserves to know that, I'm just hurting her and myself even more. We talked for hours, and I just fucking couldn't give her an answer. As much as I wanted to be back with her, my gut was sinking with fear and uncertainty. I begged her to wait a week for me to go through some therapy sessions and clear my head. She agreed, in tears, and gave me a week.

In the meantime, I went through pretty much every post on this sub and other similar subs. So yeah, it was a very long, painful week.

Week goes by, and we meet (yesterday). It was so fucking good to see her again. To laugh at our jokes, and do all the stupid shit we do together. My head was at peace and I enjoyed that. She of course brought me a small gift, said she loves me, and then, well... she still needs her answer. We talked and were reminiscing about our relationship and all the fun we had. But now came the time for the answer. AGAIN, I look at her, and all I get is that sinking gut feeling, that void, that horror and fear telling me "you don't love her", "don't hurt her again", "you'll be bored again", "there's no way out a second time", "you'll wait years for her to develop", "you won't stick around", "you'll be a mess", "you'll resent her". FUCK ME. I was terrified. But I knew she wouldn't take a half answer again. With tears in my eyes I told her that "I'm not mentally well at the moment and I don't feel its right to go back together at this time. I will keep going with my therapy and I hope I'll get better soon and have my head cleared up. I'm not telling you to wait for me, I just need time on my own to fix myself". There was a ton of "sorry" from my side, explaining she did nothing wrong and its just me being fucked up in the head, but she was obviously defeated. Sad. She left, and that was it. At that moment, I quickly took my phone to note down what I felt - relief, head clearer a bit, felt like I said the actual truth. I wasn't lying. I didn't have that gut feeling when I said it. It was truth. I go to bed.

Wake up next morning, absolute horror going through my gut and chest. I keep fucking flip flopping between running and trying again. I FEEL like I'm making a horrible decision by breaking up, but going back also doesn't really FEEL right - it frightens me. My gut keeps telling me NO. I'm not really sure if I ROMANTICALLY love her. I'd drive across the country to help or do anything for her. I'd rather lose a limb than have her lose it. There's NOTHING I wouldn't do for her. I want her to be happy. And I know the only way to do that is to go back. But that terrifies me, it doesn't feel right in my gut, and I think I'll be doing it out of pity, and not out of love. And that's a great way to build resentment. I think it would be a matter of time before our dates became robotic again and I'd just look for ways to dip and leave, play video games or talk with my friend. I don't know why I can't build genuine fucking love and interest for this girl.

But I fucking want to go back and genuinely love her. I WANT to make myself love her. She deserves it, and I know I can't find a better person to spend a life with than her, because I feel completely safe, loved and free next to her. So why? Why am I like this? Why am I making a choice I know I'll regret when I'm lonely, desperate, old and sad? Why am I chasing away someone I mean a world to, just because I don't "feel" it? Did I lose emotions? I want them fucking back. I want my love for her back and bigger than ever. I want to force myself to love her in any way possible. My heart wants to be with her but my head and gut don't agree. I'm so fucking mentally exhausted and I just sleep so I don't have to think about this. Time keeps on going by, and I don't want her to move on, I don't want to give up on this. If someone told me "this is the girl you'll spend your life with and you have no other choice", I'd be fine with that. Fuck, I even thought of getting her pregnant just so I can stop having these self destructive thoughts and be "forced" to grow old with her. I can't imaging her being with someone else, or me not marrying her. Doesn't feel right, deep down. Which should make it simple for me, but then I get crippled when I actually have a chance to go back. Please help me, anyone, I just can't do this anymore.

Letting go would make you happier in the long run, but it would fucking kill you right now

Going back won't kill you right now, but it will slowly and surely kill you through years

Pick how you wanna die