Can't stop thinking about this girl my boyfriend crushed on 2 years before he met me 4 years ago. Hurts particularly bad because he described her as "genuinely a good person", religious and attractive, things I feel I lack. I have now had 2 episodes asking him for reassurance and yelling, he was so concerned about it he texted my parents to watch over me. That's how I got into the meds I am in now. I have told him I can't stop thinking about her because I just wanna be good enough for him and hearing him describe a girl that way, even though it was in an innocent matter, really hurt. He is gonna see me in January (We are in an LDR) and these bouts of jealousy do not happen when he is here with me. She doesn't leave my mind at all. What do I do?
>>32326304For more context: We are each other's first in everything.
>>32326304Why is it better while he's with you? Do you not get the thoughts at all? Does his reassuring feel better?
>>32326352It's better because whenever we are together it just feels right, we laugh, we smile, we make out, intimacy is great. Literally everything is perfect and I honestly can't wait for us to close the gap. I think it's because he is right there for me, and whenever we are long distance, the self worth issues come back up, and on August this specific topic with the girl started because that's when he happened to mention her. Didn't happen with the other ones he had because he shit talked them, but not this girl. Haven't been able to get her out of my mind since.
>>32326304Lmfao rent free op. But guess what she probably thinks of him and the new chick he's with. So take that as you will. You'll eventually get over it when one of you self sabotages the relationship
>>32326304Bump
bpd take your meds
>>32326304Bruh it was six years ago. You sound late high school or college age, which means it was a middle school crush. MIDDLE SCHOOL. People are still fucking babies at that age. My first ex had a crush on Seto Kaiba at that age, do you think I started obsessively raging every time I thought of Yu Gi Oh?>>32326369>But guess what she probably thinks of him and the new chick he's withIf your answer is "nothing" then you are correct sir!
>>32326364Why did they break up?
>>32326450No I don't think you did, and I know it's so small, but she seems like everything I am not, and to hear him speak positively about a girl really really hurts.
>>32326491They never dated, that's the worst part. But the possibility she might've been better than me in any way kinda depresses me if they had.
>>32326565I'm not really sure what these qualities are from your OP. She's attractive - so are you, right? To him at least, if he's been with you so long and your intimacy is good. A good person, likewise he must think that of you. The only possible thing is religion. Is he religious?
>>32326740I don't feel attractive enough for him and I don't feel like I am a genuinely good person, even though he reassures me that I am. Religion I'm quite conflicted on, we both are, but religious is something we both stride to be. She seemed to be all of these good things that I just simply feel like I can't compete. I know he says he prefers me, but my subconscious feels like I need to be like her in order to be loved.
>>32326955Did you have these feelings of insecurity or being unlovable while single? And before he told you about her?
>>32326992Yes I actually did and I struggle with it a lot of the time, I've always been insecure about being a goof girlfriend to him (Attractive, genuinely good for him, cool, having a good personality, etc.) When he told me about her those feelings just came back and debilitated me a lot because I do not feel good enough at all for him, even though he reassures me.
>>32326304You're each other's firsts - you'll never get to have that again. She never had him.I'd suggest you get over it quick, or at least, stop taking it out on your boyfriend, and focus on being the best girlfriend ever. And make plans for closing the distance - long distance made me a crazy, insecure bitch too.
>>32327028You say they came back when he brought her up - what made them subside before?
>>32327063He says he wants to get engaged when I finsh my degree which is in 2 years. I am trying to live in the moment and not take it out on him. I think about the fact she never had him to myself but I worry that she could've been a better choice than me. How did you deal with being long distance and not going insane?
>>32327156The fact he didn't talk about girls in a positive light by that point, but now that he specifically talked about her in a good way and how she was a crush he had, I have not been able to take her off my mind since. My fear objectified her into a perfect woman that could have been better suited for him, and I truly just wanna be with him and make him happy. Insecurity within myself has always been there though specially at the start.
>>32326304It's gonna be hard but try to forget about her. Your bf is with you, not with her, meaning he loves you more than he ever even liked her.
>>32327199There's not much your boyfriend can say to reassure you unfortunately, as you know. The trouble comes from deep within you and only you can quell it. He may have had a crush, but so what? A crush is just an initial sign of shallow interest, which you've both likely experienced with others before. Love is when the layers of fantasy and daydreaming are stripped away from a crush and you see the real person beneath and you want them all the more for it. You've been with him far too long to have kept up the perfect, attentive girlfriend mask all this time. He's surely seen through to the real you and its made him want to marry you. Theres no need to perform or compete anymore. He knows who you are and feels lucky to spend his life with you. I hope you can find some outlet to get it out, maybe a therapist. Because you know whether you deserve him isn't the problem - it's your subconscious as you say, a distorted perspective of it. That can be treated
>>32327182If she was a better choice, he wouldn't be telling you that he wants to get engaged. He wouldn't be willing to wait and be long distance for 2 years for a girl he didn't genuinely love and want over all others.That's what got me through it. He picked me. And knowing that if I made a habit of taking things out on him, instead of trusting him, I would hurt him, and our relationship. We live together now and just got engaged. If you love and respect him, trust his choice in you. And start journaling. It helps get out the anxious overthinking/insecurity. Write out all your fears, then write all the things he's done and said that proves that he picked you over anyone else.
>>32327219I try hardly to forget about her, but she pops back up even when I am doing everyday activities that require concentration and in the middle of talks with my boyfriend. I truly want it to stop.
>>32327304Thank you anon, I am actually seeing a psychiatrist who is giving me medication which I've taken. It has helped a bit but not that much. He is the love of my life and I can't bare the thought of losing him due to this.
>>32327319Thanks a lot anon, I really hope the best for you guys and I hope we end up like both of you. I am sure you understand how painful it is for us to be away for so long, feels like I am going crazy. I love him so much but those 2 episodes I had were quite bad, he was so concerned he texted my parents and called my brother. I can see he truly loves me and I do as well, I just have so much love for him and these thoughts hurt.
>>32327430Maybe a psychologist as well would help if the medication isn't doing too much? Its my understanding that most psychiatrists don't really talk through things with clients, mainly monitor symptoms and medicate. Having a chance to talk these feelings through with an outside expert could be helpful
>>32327517The psychiatrist actually booked an appointment with an ADHD specialist because for some reason she thought ADHD was my main problem, I went, did the testing and it seems like ADHD is likely. I have no idea if this psychologist will mainly focus on my ADHD problems or if I can actually talk to him about shit like this.
>>32327552Both could be useful. I imagine the ADHD stuff will be CBT-focused, so focused on intrusive thoughts like the those popping into your head when you're with your bf. That approach will be very structured, systematic, will include psychological exercises to do on your own. Could be useful if you want a structured approach, there's a lot of research to support it. But if you don't want to, and/or find it doesn't work for you, by all means tell them. Psychologists know to tailor their approach to individuals and will work with clients to find what works best.
>>32327597Thanks a lot anon, I will see him next Friday actually. I will ask him if CBT is something he does or how he usually approaches these sort of things. You have been very helpful and I appreciate that a lot
>>32327694No worries, I have a feeling it'll all work out. I'm sure your bf will be proud and relieved to hear you taking the initiative to get to the bottom of these feelings. Best of luck
>>32327726Thank you very much anon.
