I have to break an amazing girl's heart.We have been dating for a little over a year. Until recently, I seriously believed we would get married. Recently, however, a visit with my family opened my eyes to some pretty big red flags that I can't in good conscience ignore. She is beautiful, talented, extremely smart, and probably the kindest person I've ever dated. She loves me dearly and wants to marry me. I know this will shatter her heart into a million pieces. The idea of her heartbroken, alone, crying and upset, is unbearable. It will break my heart to do this; I will miss her desperately, and I'll mourn the loss of what we had for a long time. I'm on the verge of crying just thinking about it now and it hasn't even happened yet. She has done nothing egregiously wrong. She hasn't cheated on me, hasn't been abusive, hasn't stolen from me or told me lies or ruined any big moments. We haven't had any big blow-up arguments where we've gone to bed angry with each other. We don't fight about politics or religion or values. There isn't any singular event or disagreement I can point to and say "this is why we can't be together". But there are issues I can't look past. For one, she is extremely passive-aggressive; every change of plans or slight disagreement gets reframed as a deliberate slight against her. For example, one time I was heading out to see her for a few days, and during the planning process I had to reschedule from the week we planned to the following week. From then on, every conversation about the trip was "if you still want to come" or "if you're not going to cancel again". It would have been less hurtful if she had screamed at me. This passive-aggressive language colors every changed plan, every disagreement, every discussion about the future. We're not engaged yet, which means I "don't want to get engaged". I went to an event with a few friends that she ended up not being able to go to, so now I didn't "allow" her to go. (1/2)
>>32326827(2/2)For another, the relationship feels increasingly one-sided. As a man I don't mind initiating, paying on dates and what have you, but I have done literally everything this past year. She lives a little ways away, and every time she's flown out I've paid. Every time I've gone to her, I've paid. I've paid for every hotel and Airbnb. I've bought every meal, event ticket, present, shopping trip, you name it. And again, I don't mind; I can afford it, and I don't want her straining her finances just to maintain some artificial "equality". But man, she has done actually nothing in return. I plan and finance everything. Recently I turned 30, and she didn't send me so much as a card. Finally, her family is extremely dysfunctional. She has very antagonistic relationships with most of her dad's side of the family, and some of her mom's. Listening to her, you would believe she is the only sane, decent person in an absolute nuthouse. While I won't deny that just about every family has problems and bad apples, it worries me to hear about what I'm expected to marry into.I know that going through with this will deeply hurt a wonderful girl who doesn't deserve it in the least, and that is the last thing I want to do. I care about her very much, and I want her to be happy. By the same token, I am deeply concerned by what I see and I don't believe continuing this would be fair to either of us. Help me out, /adv/. Am I making the right call?
>>32326827Probably but don't remain friends with her or ask her to be friends it'll only hurt her emotionally and physically.
>>32326862That's another painful thing about this, we became great friends first and we have a ton in common. I'm not just ending a romantic relationship; barring a miracle I'll lose a good friend, too.
Honestly this sounds a lot like my last relationship. Except my ex was more generous. She was really nutty though and she ended up talking to her coworker which ruined things for us and put the final nail in the coffin. She will probably fuck you over eventually too. And also realize women will be upset at first, but she'll be with a new guy before you even get your next election. Also plus btw OP your family is meddling in your relationship. That's a pretty big red flag on your end. As for are you making the right decision? I personally never break up with anyone because I'm a pain glutton and need to see things through until they are irretrievably dead. But that's just me
>>32327470How were they meddling? I had gross shit going on and my mom said "haha maybe don't get too close for the time being!"
it's only been a year, OP: it probably won't hurt as much to break off the relationship as you think. besides, you two definitely shouldn't be thinking about marriage that quickly anyway.
>>32326827What did she say when you talked to her about your long laundry list?
>>32328374I've brought up the passive aggressiveness before and nothing has changed. As for the other things, I haven't discussed them with her.
