I have this neighbor and he's the most aggressively, voilently gay dude I've ever met. A flamboyant, flaming homosexual. Like as gay as you can humanly be. And he makes it look based and I envy him deeply. He is so much more free than I am, he's just running around being his ridiculous self while I am here stuck in my self-made prison. I want to be as genuine and carefree as he is, I'm so fucking sick of being whatever the fuck I am. I don't even know what I am anymore. I know that I am not him or as feminine and homosexual as he is (I'm quite masculine and mostly straight), but I know I'm not genuine and I cannot accept myself. I feel like I'm not the real me or something, that the real me is still waiting to burst out and that I'll be this different person who's not afraid to leave the house and talk to people and who dresses and talks completely different or something. But right now I don't even want to think about myself, I want to actively distract myself from the fact that I exist because I don't really know wtf to do with myself or what to think of myself. And I want to suck my gay neighbor's cock but I'm not sure if that has much to do with all of this.
