No matter what my intentions are, I can't do anything right. I am so dumb that I failed a special program in HS for 3 years. I've still not graduated HS. Middle school was even worse for me because I was not able to do this program, even the teachers made my experience a nightmare, but my current teachers in HS are great at least and always have been apart from one. In 2023 I had an extremely bad period mentally and I hurt people I care about a lot (family and best friend). I've not forgiven myself, healed or improved my situation at all. It happened because I couldn't heal from previous trauma or do anything to improve my mental health at all, everything accumulated and my mental health got so bad that I ended up hurting people I care about the most. I panic to the point of vomiting and my head spinning. I often hear my family cry because of the way I turned out. I'm probably gonna be homeless for a few days because I can't afford a full week as I bought myself a gift impulsively and I messed up when I bought a gift for my former best friend, I ended up having to pay for it twice and all the fees ended up costing more than I thought. The gift was meant to cost around 50$ and I ended up spending 100$ because of how awfully incompetent I am. I just cried all night during nye because of everything holidays remind me of which is that no one even cares about me apart from people that feel obligated to (extremely close family) and other days this far have only been worse. I'm probably going to have to ask my mom for money so that I don't end up homeless. I am unable to heal from traumatic events, I'm unable to make friends, I'm unable to do basic things, I'm unable to deal with anything mentally, I can't even make food for myself, not even egg or anything beyond a sandwich. I don't know how to take even the first step to improve anything.
I've tried professional help and it only made things worse for me. I really need advice or help. I feel undescribable dread almost every night. Every moment of it feels like a lifespan and it hurts and while it's happening feels like it will never stop at all. I'm sincerely scared I'll impulsively hurt myself by jumping in front of a train
>>32559456>>32559469
>>32559606What?
>>32559666Just sending some love, I don't have an advice to give.
>>32559759Thanks, I wish you the best
>>32559456Maybe you're just not good at school stuff. When Einstein was a boy they thought he was retarded, and the only job he could get was as a clerk in a government office. In his spare time on the job he came up with Relativity.https://essayhub.com/blog/geniuses-who-didnt-succeed-at-school
>>32560588I'm not good at anything except for useless things. I feel so hopeless and miserable. I don't know what to do. I don't know what God has against me
I want to die
I want to die so bad I can't do anything right
>>32559456*hugs*I'm sorry anon that sounds really hardI would be your friend and give you a hug, but I guess you are in AmericaI hope things get better for you
>>32563378I'm scared t make friends and no one has any advice for me
>>32563408It can be difficult anonYou should maintain what friends you have if you have any and not lose froends over silly thingsAlso (I'm just saying because I have done this when I was younger) if you have insulted a friend always apologise for it and make up. Might not apply for you though.To make new friends, you could try r/makenewfriendshere on reddit. I met a close friend of 4 years there. You could try clubs in person, like a hiking club, to make some friends.Make sure people do not take advantage of you. You sound sweet and maybe a bit absentminded, but I do not think you are dumb.Maybe someone would be willing to adopt you, but again, be careful.Avoid homelessness, get your parents to keep you. They made you and have some responsibility to ensure you can live if you are unable to get a job right now.
>>32563467I'm am not sweet, I am a retarded stupid fucking mistake that is a burden / source of bad things to everyone I care about. I'm scared to make friends. I can't do anything to improve my situation at all. I don't know what to do, everything I'm going through feeds off each other and makes it hard to do anything. For example I can't have friends because of mental health issues and I have mental health issues because I can't have friends. I can't have skills because I have mental health issues that either make me learn them slow or feel so unwell that even just staying slive is hard and I have mental health issues because I don't have skills. I don't know how to get better at all
I don't know what to do at all things hurt so bad and sometimes I can distract myself with sff like shows and games but so often I just can't do anything and everything hurts so bad and it feels like it will never pass I hate everything I am everything I ever did I have barely any good memories even the good memories I. Have are associated with the bad ones I don't know how to not think bad thoughts I don't know how to like myself I don't know anything someone please help me
rope worthless trauma dumper
>>32564311I will ghrtrs nothing formme on this earth nothing ever could get better when I am thenissue
>>32559456>>32559469Just keep trying. Either that or you give up completely.
>>32564393Trying what??? No one has any advice for me because there are no solutiobs
>>32564410Trying to solve your problems. Read books, do things differently, use chatgpt. Throw anything you can at your problems. Try meditation for one, it appears like you get extremely overwhelmed with emotions.
You sound like you have borderline personality disorder. You need to know that goodness is unshakeable and that you can hold onto it in your heart
>>32564500I've got schizotypal or stpd not bpd but yes they are very similar
>>32559456OP, will you accept the following logic?1. You are clearly depressed.2. Depression is a mental illness. NOT a moral failure or even a fatal disease, just your brain not working as well as it should.3. Just as you wouldn't try to run a race with a broken leg, your brain is probably not in good enough condition right now to make clear judgments about your capabilities or future4. Fix the broken leg before you try to race. Fix the depression before you try to make clear judgments5. See a therapist for your depression. Get yourself to the point where you can judge yourself in a more balanced way.6. Maybe then things won't look so helpless.
>>32565020I've tried therapy and it always ended up bad. I even tried online therapy. I live in a small city and there's not many options. I've tried professional help since I was a kid it either made things worse or didn't help at all
>>32565786nta but you have displayed a sufficient grasp on the English language and show self awareness. If you were as stupid as you say you were, you wouldn't have learned the language. But you did. Think about all the other things that you managed to learn and achieve. You're not as hopeless as you think you are.
>>32566379My reasoning and spatial iq are horrible. I've tried learning things I want to so many times only to fucking give up because of how much effort takes to get past things people do easily. For example one day I decided to play some puzzle game out of nowhere, you just had to move blocks and align it so a ball can pass. I got stuck on level 1 for 30 minutes and couldn't figure it out. I asked someone to try it and they did it without struggling at all, maybe it took them one try. I had like a gate door, not a gate for cars that's on your yard but like a metal gate full of bars that made it so no one could break into the house. The gate had a typical lock and I couldn't figure out how I was meant to wrap it around the bars. First time it took me dozens of minutes and I couldn't do it and just felt so much shame because it felt like my neighbors were watching me as it was late at night and you could hear everything echo. It took me like 10 days to be able to do it. I couldn't figure out basic instructions when I had to get my id, I messed up my signature and started crying once the staff there got audibly mad at me, there were my family there too, I just remember wanting to die the entire day. I graduated at the bottom of my middle school. I have really uncoordinated movement that makes everyone think I'm retarded, I couldn't do basic exercises because of this and the teacher would make my life hell. I literally couldn't find my Airbnb one time for so long, even though I had a map on my phone. At the checkout I tried unlocking the mail box (postal box?) to put the key in for a good 30 minutes before realizing that I'm not meant to unlock it and just slide the key in, even if I did unlock it I wouldn't be able to lock it. Any time I tried to get out into the real world it just went wrong.
>>32567445stop taking adderall
it isn't worth it, i promise
i don't know what your situation is like, and the withdrawal will suck, but you'll be glad you stopped in the long run
the first step is to stop taking adderall, then you'll be less anxious & more able to think clearlytry to get into a situation where you aren't dependent on your family, this clearly isn't going anywhere
>>32566379>>32567445This made middle school a nightmare because jn elementary school the teacher helped me a lot, even though elementary school still sucked, it was "fine" and even though the teacher wasn't perfect she definitely went out of my way to help me socially and in other ways. Middle school was horrible, it's not even that other kids were messing with me, it's that the teachers were even worse. 2 of the teachers would shout at me to the point of tears because I couldn't do certain things they'd require of me and couldn't calm myself down in their classes and would end up crying. For example if I couldn't do a certain task and it was taking me a long time he'd end up scresming st me and saying embarrassing stuff in front of the entire class until id start crying and that would only make everything worse. I basically wanted to die every day I was in that school. Even if I had social skills and things were great for me now, I wouldn't be able to make new friends my age because everyone would either remember me from middle school and know I'm a retarded mistake it'd embarrassing to be friends with or know someone who does
>>32567470I don't take Adderall
>>32567559i thought you were someone else, my badgood luck thoughyou won't feel this way forever
Then there are things j can't do because of no experience, that people my age have been doing for years now. I don't know how public transport works, I don't know how to make food for myself, I don't know how to develop friendships with people, I don't know how to talk to people, I don't know how to act in a social setting, or do anything that's expected of me at all
>>32567445>>32567552>>32567559>>32567598Try meditation. You don't have to be 150 IQ to do it. I'll even send you a book to get started. You are extremely anxious which affects your ability to reason and think critically. https://oceanofpdf.com/authors/culadasa-john-yates/pdf-epub-the-mind-illuminated-a-complete-meditation-guide-integrating-buddhist-wisdom-and-brain-science-download-69438826158/
>>32559456You're not alone anon, don't take this as a "take it like a man, there are others like you or worse", everyone has their own weight to bear and none is better or worse.I have had my own shit like this too, I can relate, I don't have many friends irl, just a few that you can count with one hand, I graduated as I'm 25 right now, I still live with my parents, no real job, just my hobbies that gain some money, I also know too little so I'm not very independant, fuck man even I had a hard time with high school, but it's never too late dude, you never try too many times, you will get there, you gotta keep going and try again with what you learned.I know things seem very bad for you right now but keep in mind, the human mind is a bitch, emotions will fuck up your thoughts and will think of the worst scenario possible for you, as if everything is lost, don't trust it, easier said than done I know, but don't trust your thoughts, rely on the little you can do and try stepping out of your comfort zone to do more.Take a shower to refresh your mind, don't sleep it off unless you need to, don't procrastinate, do things to entertain yourself as a form to reward yourself for doing something you usually don't, but do things little by little, you can't do everything at once.Realize that at the very least you are self aware and you are trying to improve, you aren't a dumbass, you are ASKING FOR HELP, and that's the best first step you can take for improvement.Stop making excuses and aknowledge the positive sides of yourself, no matter how small, you are doing something, you are trying.I don't know how good or bad my advices are being but I'm telling you what I know, maybe you were already told these things, and that's because that's how it is, you can't expect people to tell you whatever you want to hear, instead, it's what you need.
>>32567627Thanks. I really should read it. Someone really smart also told me to read it and I got a dozen of pages in and quit. I'm gonna start reading it tonight. And I have all of those rocks irl lol
>>32567653Its good and it made me hopeful, thanks. I'm gonna take a shower because I haven't in a long time and I'm gonna read the book.
>>32567705Well I'm gonna eat first but after that I will take a shower and start reading.
>>32567718Good luck anon, even though I don't know you, I hope things go well for you, mostly perhaps because I'm in the same boat but your mental health is in a worse place, take care dude.
>>32567723Thanks, you too. I hope everything turns out good for you
>>32567700Don't base your self esteem off of your intelligence. I can relate to you in some ways because I've always been slower than other people in all aspects of life. The most important thing you can do is give it your all and reach your maximum potential, after that don't worry about it since you did all you could. >Someone really smart also told me to read it and I got a dozen of pages in and quit.Meditation will certainly help you with things in your life. Remember just because someone is smarter than you doesn't mean you should view them as superior or better. You live your life to best suit you. Everyone has different situations and backgrounds. Do with what you have. >And I have all of those rocks irl lolCan you recognize and categorize a rock on sight? Just out of curiosity.
i feel incredibly sorry for you. that type of hopelessness, dread, and the feelings of incompetence are truly horrific. the real answer is that you have serious mental illness and i dont say this in a mean way, its just true. likely Borderline, Bipolar, or Schizoaffective. you need serious support and help, likely via an inpatient or extensive outpatient program. the good thing is this CAN get better, you CAN do these things and learn life skills. You do not have a low IQ or something that actually prevents you, its just the mental illness is ruining your logical reasoning and emotional regulation. you are completely driven by your intrusive thoughts and radical emotional swings throughout your day, and they occur so often and quickly that not even a basic task can be completed without it fucking you over. these types of mental illnesses tend to get better with time, and support. please seek help. not just a therapist, not just your mom, not just a psych to give you some pills. you need to go to a mental health crisis center and enter into a program.
>>32567759I can recognize some of them but I can't categorize them and I don't even know what categories there are. And I am starting to panic again I don't know how to not think bad thoughts at all even if I'm reading a book it's just always there I don't know what to do at all
>>32569019I don't have any of those. I was already in a mental hospital it didn't help at all. It is horrible and there's nothing to do but stare at a wall, there is no privacy, they force medication on you, it envokes panic in me and I am not going back there no matter what
There is nothing I can do about anything I'll never be able to undo anything I've done I cant learn the things I want to I can't heal or forgive myself or get better I can't do anything I just want to end this nightmare where everything went wrong so I'm at least not a source of bad things to those I care about I don't know how not to hate myself I don't know how not to think about bad things they're always there
Everyone I care about hates me I can't do anything right I don't know what to do
>>32569190>>32569200>>32569233>>32569242Read the book, anon. Calm down. Breathe.
>>32569242who do you care about? why?
>>32569352I can't it takes me so many times to reread things and my mind wanders off I can't concentrate on it st all I have to reread stuff because I can't concentrate it's pointless anyway everything will suck even if I meditate it won't change the reality of anything at sll
>>32569400Close family and 2 more people one that I knew since I was born and one that was my best friend for years
>>32569421You have nothing better to do. Might as well keep trying. You can do it.
