>>32562688
Normal reaction to living in a shit society, I'd recon. That, and misplaced priorities, (which, granted, are probably not your fault. The incentive structure for modern life is fucked beyond repair.) I'd start by questioning the real motives you chose to follow the path you're currently on.

>>32562688
relatively normal for 20. ignore the dumb fuck above about society. this isn’t a societal problem, it’s a you problem. you just need to be confident in yourself and build your self esteem. this is hard for people in your position because you’re still in the come-up on life. you haven’t finished school. you don’t have a job. there’s so many unknowns

a good way to start is looking at your successes so far. going to school. having a bf. you’re farther along than most the idiots on here

it’s ok to not know what is your thing beyond school and work at 20. you’ll figure it out by trying new things

>>32562688
>>always been depressed, never knew how to adress it, brushed it off but it only gets worse.
when you get sad, just sit down and play some kind of music that fits the vibe. don't focus on any thoughts you get. just focus on acknowledging that you feel sad.
now if you have any specific problems that are making you sad, this thing you have to think about and figure out a solution.
your entire last paragraph is just schizobabble btw. you are not in "everyone's shadow", that rambling paragraph is just your self-hatred expressed in verbal form. it is not true, it is not reflective of reality. it just reflects your self hatred.
>I fantasize about death for most of the time.
don't do this. it builds a habit that will at some point become autonomous and it will take as much time to make it go away as it takes you now to build it.
>I have short time spans when I want to get my shit together, but i end up paralysed by my own thoughts.
this is called manic episodes. the core of the problem is this: you think you are broken, and that you need a "fixed" version, and that only desperate action can transform you from your broken to your fixed version. but this is not how being human works. you are not broken, you are just you. and if you want to change, you should do it starting with your current self, not by trying to become some other "fixed" self. be patient and accepting. it will get you far.
i have said very true and valuable things here. it is up to you to use them, or not to use them. good luck on your journey.

>>32562688
There is a strong school of thought that depression is the result of a chemical imbalance and can be controlled by meds.

>>32562688
>get kids
> life has meaning and you're not useless anymore
Wow so hard

Also I'm trans if that matters. I forgot to mention it in the OP

>>32564913
huh, that's weird, it went different for my mom
>get kids
>beat them
>quit your job because "SAHM is more Christian just trust me sis"
>feel even more useless and unimportant
>get mad
>beat your kids even more
>go crazy
>ruin the lives of the whole family
>be hated by literally everyone who knows you

>>32562688
>Any advice?
1. Exercising regularly with high intensity (mix of cardio and resistance training), and
2. Improve your sleep.

I know this is meme advice, but these two things are the best things you can do for your mental health. It worked for me. It seems like your problem is mainly mental, otherwise, your situation looks pretty positive. A lot of people don't have a loving partner. Christians say "count your blessings"; they mean: think on the good (not the bad).

Secondary advice I can give you are that philosophy might help. You could try reading stoic philosophy, which is great for dealing with feelings of anxiety and insecurity by focusing on the things you can control, and accepting the things that you can't control. Other people find deep meaning in religion; before there were therapists, people talked with their clergyman or other members of their congregation. In other words, it can be helpful just to talk to someone in person about your problems for nothing more than the speak them aloud. Your boyfriend would be the first person you should think of in this.

>>32562688
You are just a woman
Save some money until your bf cum inside you then quit being a woman in career bullshit and be a mom

>>32567294
(cont)
Ask yourself, why do I feel these things? There's something beneath all of the things that you just wrote down, you need to understand them for yourself. Here's my interpretation:
>I'm not capable of taking care of the people i love
I hear, "I keep those I love in my thoughts, I am constantly worried about whether or not I am being good to them; whether I am good enough for them".
>I will eventually fuck everyone over and they will do the same way to me
I hear, "I'm afraid of making mistakes; I'm afraid others won't forgive my mistakes".
> I'm not smart, i m literally living in everyone else's shadow. I don't have anything special to me, my own senses tell me that I am an empty cage. I can't stand it. I feel handicapped and I don't want to keep it like this.
I hear, "I'm not good enough; I want to better myself, but I don't know how"
>I have short time spans when I want to get my shit together, but i end up paralysed by my own thoughts. I'm stuck to this, feeling miserable and pitying myself
I hear, "I tried as hard as I could, but it wasn't enough"
As >>32564843 alluded to, these are short because they're unsustainable because you doubt and analyse everything that you do about whether or not it's "correct".

It seems to me that you put unreasonable expectations on yourself; that you're terrified of making mistakes, of not being perfect. These are very normal things to be overwhelmed by, noone is perfect. A chinese philosopher Lao Tzu talks about this: "If you try to change it, you will ruin it. Try to hold it, and you will lose it.".

I empathize with your struggles, because they're similar to mine. My apologies if I projected. The key for me was understanding that to better embody myself, the purest and greatest expression of myself: I couldn't do that by trying; I had to let go.

>>32562688
Remember you live life on easy mode because you were lucky enough to be born with a hole between your legs. Some people suffer your problems and have nobody to support them.

>>32565100
then don't beat your kids?
kek coping hard.
>>quit your job because "SAHM is more Christian just trust me sis"
you sound like an atheist so now you also don't have to beat your kids for god
cope cope cope cope cope cope cope cope

>>32563401
> Just be more masculine, bro
Shit advice for a woman, it’s probably why she’s depressed in the first place, hearing shit advice about how she just needs to be more confident.

She just needs to feel feminine and balance that part of her, we don’t need anymore go girl career chick who is dead inside.

>>32562688
Medication and theraphy. Theraohy if you want the harder path. You have to let yourself live and improve without the burden of unrealistic expectations that you put on yourself. You are not responsible for the sole upkeeping of your folks, you are a part of their lives and by what you are saying that is good. They enjoy your company and as long as you pitch in anything then you are not a handicaped burden. Suicidal ideation I believe comes from a want that you have, a want for change. You can change, try little things everyday, but first try to be more midful and grateful of what is happening around you. You can start with CBT exercises such as journaling or the 5-good things that happened to me today etc. Some people will tell you, yeah life is shit and I would argue that while it's true, you don't have to make it more shit. Positive reinforcment works and the more you work on strenghtening those synapses the easier it will be to get over the gloom. It may be always there, we always have something to feel bad about but you want to take it one day at a time and you don't have to be an ignorant idiot or a 4chan doomer.

>>32562688
I think you should just enjoy the little things and find an ikigai