I feel so drained by the idea of being intimate with anyone even someone i really love and i don’t know why. I used to view sex as a form of union and enjoyment but overtime I have come to realize that it’s just carnal and in all honesty fills me with disgust with myself and deep insecurity. It isn’t necessarily that I don’t have sexual thoughts, I do just like any person my age, but the action of letting some guy touch me, even if i love him, makes me feel deep rooted shame and the physical pleasure you get from it doesn’t make the depression that comes with it go away. Having sex makes me feel like my body is being defiled. I know that a lot of men, if not most really appreciate sex in relationships even if it isn’t in a perverted weird way. I guess I can see the appeal of it, but I don’t know if I can physically get myself to do it, I’ve only ever had one partner, and I’m scared that no man will tolerate my disdain for sexual intimacy. Should I try to change that and be more open to it? If so, how can I do that without damaging myself mentally? Some of my other female friends have recommended exposure therapy and to experiment but the mere idea of doing that horrifies me. I don’t know what is wrong with me.
>>32566810The thing is, sexual intimacy can be shameful and disgusting
>>32566835Yes, I know it can be. However my question is if I can ever make it feel like it isn’t? Many tell me sex is essential to a healthy relationship and im scared the my obsessive shame over it will push me away from love.
>>32566850Perhaps if you engage with it in a way that it isn't
>>32566810You are not insane you are just mainly confused. The truth is that most likely your “boyfriend” is truly defiling you, because your standards were too low. If you were married to some great man, then you probably would not feel this disgust and defilement. The confusion comes from the false idea that sex in general should be enjoyable, instead of sex with someone great, or from the false idea that your boyfriend is good enough, even though unconsciously you probably don’t feel so.
>>32566810You're asexual, deal with it.
