Hey, over the last ten or so years i had been building up a porn collection full of rare porn, and nudes and sex tapes of women i know. There was also a very large hidden cam section too along with nudes of women i flirted with and met online. And sex tapes i made myself with escorts. It was the best porn, and stuff that was irreplaceable. I deleted all of it, with no backups, because i just got sick of living like this. I got sick of living like a degen. Over the last couple years ive wanted a family. And somehow i convinced myself, at nearly 28, that if i deleted this it would motivate me to self improve and find a girlfriend for once but a few days afterwords i realized i dont really have control over any of that, and i am beyond the point of fucked. I needed one like ten or fifteen years ago. Its too late now. So now im regretting deleting it, wanting to go back to my old ways in optimized pleasure. Because the fantasy i sold myself isnt possible and i know it. It was nearly a terabyte gone. And a terabyte im not sure i can ever recover to its former glory. I feel like i have to move forward but i keep dwelling on this even five months later. It feels like i killed a friend of mine, or someone who gave me strong emotional support for years. I also feel like i need to move passed this, take this as a chance to improve and be a better person but its very difficult when i believe there is zero hope for me to live the life i want to live. Does anyone have any advice for moving on? Maybe possibly becoming better from this?
>>32599119You should only delete your stash if you found a pretty and loving wife that will give you quality offspring. If you have some mid or ugly girl you should probably keep your stash for obvious reasons, and if you are single and lonely it goes without saying.
Indistinguishable from parody
>>32599140I believed the reason why i havent found someone like that is because the porn was holding me back. I thought if i deleted it i could move down the path of being normal and then i would find someone. >>32599144My life is a joke yeah.
>>32599119>It feels like i killed a friend of mine, or someone who gave me strong emotional support for years?Friends who enable self-destruction are no friends at all. You deleted your coping mechanism. Coping mechanisms are fine, but if it’s a shit coping mechanism, you stop controlling it and it starts to control you. You did the right thing. What you are feeling is inevitable and a necessary part of the growth, it will feel bad because it has to. You have a void leftover from where the porn used to occupy. That is to be expected, and that is the reason you had clung to porn in the first place, it was to fill a void.Notice how after 10+ years though that the void remains even after porn ‘helped’ you. If the porn was your ‘friend’ it’d have filled that void even after removing porn from your life, it would have fulfilled you. But look how it didn’t, it wasted your time. It was a false friend, a false saviour, a shit coping mechanism, it was poison masquerading as the antidote. I’m proud of you for deleting it. Might not mean much from me as an anon, but I am. I’ve been there, spent a similar amount of time wasted on porn collecting. I deleted mines too some 3 years ago now. I’m currently married now, planning kids later this year. It gets worse before it gets better so don’t go panicking that it feels shit. It’s supposed to feel shit. That shit feeling will be your unsung hero, your hunger to find fulfillment elsewhere, it will orientate you towards an actual life. Trust the pain, do not trust the porn.Strength and peace to you brotha. It’s not over by a longshot. I was 29 when I made the plunge into the abyss. So don’t go saying it’s too late.
>>32599119>I deleted all of it, with no backups, because i just got sick of living like this. I got sick of living like a degen.You made the right call.
>>32599182>You did the right thing. What you are feeling is inevitable and a necessary part of the growth, it will feel bad because it has to. You have a void leftover from where the porn used to occupy. That is to be expected, and that is the reason you had clung to porn in the first place, it was to fill a void.I do not believe that void can be filled because i am not human. Other people can fill that void with another person, or religion, but neither seems to work for me because i dont have a soul and am not human. >Notice how after 10+ years though that the void remains even after porn ‘helped’ youBecause that hole isnt fillable with anything else. After i deleted it, for the months after i couldnt help but think about how it was such a waste to do that. Ive made wipes like that before but this was by far the biggest and most complete. I just thought that the reason i even started doing this, and why it became such a collection was because no matter what i do, i can never be a participant in society. I wont get the things other people get, because even as a kid i felt inhuman. I remember talking to counselors about not being human and none of them understanding me at all. At least with that collection i had a percentage of what a normal person gets. A naked woman, a nude photo for your pleasure. Its all part of the fantasy of finally being a part of the human race and being loved. But knowing i never will be. Even now, i know whats going to happen. I just dont know if i have the energy to keep doing it anymore so other things have been on my mind. >If the porn was your ‘friend’ it’d have filled that void even after removing porn from your lifeNot necessarily. If your wife died would you have a void from her death? Would you say she was a waste of time and a false lover if she didnt fulfill you after her death? It feels the same way. Its all ive known.
>>32599182>It gets worse before it gets better so don’t go panicking that it feels shit. It’s supposed to feel shit. That shit feeling will be your unsung hero, your hunger to find fulfillment elsewhere, it will orientate you towards an actual life. Trust the pain, do not trust the porn.Ill take this advice i still am skeptical it will be possible for me to succeed. I feel like i wasted so much for nothing. >>32599482I like to believe i did. But i also feel like i got tricked again. This happens sometimes. I forget im inhuman so i delete everything thinking that will be the fix, that will be the end of it and ill be able to get what ive fantasized about since i was a child. But in the end, it never happens. I put myself out there and get rejected. Nothing i give gets reciprocated. Months, sometimes years can go by, and at this point im sick of that cycle. It all feels like a waste because i dont think there is a possible way for me to move to something else. Like you dont just walk away from this, live a happy life. If that was possible you would have done it, right? I never had that chance.
>>32601609>i dont have a soul and am not human.Yeah you are. You can be a human with a void and still be human. Doesn’t make you less human. Might feel that way, but remember, feels aren’t reality. Reality is you are a human with hard feels. Ya feel me lol?>Other people can fill that void with another person, or religion, but neither seems to work for me.Check in the last place you wanna look. In (you). You are the missing piece of your own puzzle. You fill that void with you. Humanise thyself. >even as a kid i felt inhuman. I remember talking to counselors about not being human and none of them understanding me at all.I believe you. I feel like a different species too. For a long time, I struggled to see others as humans, more like, shit idk, objects? Like how people say ‘NPCs’ as a meme. Except for me it wasn’t a meme. I did not see humans, I saw bodies that talked. That’s all. So I also felt disconnected at all times. Not human either. At least, not their expectation of ‘human’. Its because I had been destroyed in childhood. Not sure how it was for you.But there is a resurrection, a rebirth. That I can promise you. And you are the key to that, it will require belief. Indomitable belief that you have a soul. That means believe it even though you feel it’s a lie. Do it anyway. Cold-blooded create one for yourself. Do it slow. You have all the time in the world. Do it with the same idea of love you have. Comfort yourself as much as possible, mentally, using your own self-soothing. Speak kind to yourself. >If your wife died would you have a void from her death?I would. That void would stay too. Happened when my momma died, void is still there. I am larger than the voids. Still in me, I eclipse it. I can handle it.>Its all ive known.I know. the unknown awaits, through the void. Scary shit. but the unknown stops being scary once known. You will see life in ways you thought impossible. Choose to believe this, and it will be so.
>>32599182>>32601696NTA but man... I don't even know why I should bother with people! It's just so much easier to feel human with my hentai and all the other fiction and autistic kindred spirits. People are gross and mean and scary. Is there a reason to bother with the "real world"? I don't mean to come off as inflexible but your proposition strikes my drunk ass as nonsensical, impractical and inferior to the fantasy alternative.
>>32602118>It's just so much easier to feel human with my hentai and all the other fiction and autistic kindred spirits.I hear ya. Yeah that’s actually fine, it’s the ideal. See the reason why some people can have zero empathy/live with a void/disconnect from life/dehumanise themselves or others or both etc etc – it’s because the harder your life experiences, the less you relate with others. The earlier this occurs to you in life, the more severely disconnected you feel, the darker the void. Especially if it’s been an ongoing non-stop death-by-a-thousand-cuts kind of tough shit happening to you, or within you. This could range from autism, adhd, whatever disorder you got fucked with since birth, or childhood abuse/neglect or all at once. It can make a human relate to precisely no-one. Unless that human finds, as you said, kindred spirits. This is a good thing. You feel easier to be human around them because it’s real, you are not mistaken. Hentai/porn is the only thing worth targeting, because it gets in the way of finally connecting 100% with someone, like someone you want to love all the way. It can prevent and kill your hunger to even want things like family, intimacy and vulnerability with someone else. That’s all that is required to challenge.>Is there a reason to bother with the "real world"?Yes. Because if you do not make your own plans, you become part of someone else’s plan. A slave to passions, to fantasy. Life will drown you and it will always feel like it just ‘happens’ to you, like a tidal wave of oppression. By choosing to allow the real world on the outside meet with the inside, you will grow. You expand your inner world as a result. You no longer feel like your mind is a prison.
>>32602776>Yes. Because if you do not make your own plans, you become part of someone else’s plan. A slave to passions, to fantasy. Life will drown you and it will always feel like it just ‘happens’ to you, like a tidal wave of oppression. By choosing to allow the real world on the outside meet with the inside, you will grow. You expand your inner world as a result. You no longer feel like your mind is a prison.I actually had a very rare breakdown with crying and all a bit after posting this. Which sounds pretty weak, and I mean, it is. And I pretty much arrived at what you said... I feel really trapped in my head. Like all the dreams and fantasies and ideals and virtues, I have them, but I can never make something tangible out of them. As if emulating my heroes is something perhaps allowed to others but not to me.And through this I realize there's some things that I respond to passively, things that ultimately seem to serve as something I run away to, not really aligned with my will if that makes sense. I do notice, either as a cause or a consequence, that they're things I wouldn't actively contribute to.I don't want to make any claims that I really can't strongly stand behind at, but the first example I can think of that is hentai/porn.1/2
So with that being said I will now read the first part of your post more attentively.>>32602776>Hentai/porn is the only thing worth targeting, because it gets in the way of finally connecting 100% with someone, like someone you want to love all the way. It can prevent and kill your hunger to even want things like family, intimacy and vulnerability with someone else. That’s all that is required to challenge.Hmm I get that. It's really telling that I still feel the need for those things despite porn clearly quelling the desires. Which I might have this guess at, I unconsciously but necessarily have done so to compensate for the environment that has surrounded me all my life. One that makes me feel impotent and scared of trying at anything, but particularly with masculine behaviors--hence, impotentIt's really hard to break from it when I'm still in this environment out of some level of commitment but also admittedly the comfort I have grown accustomed to. Quiet, still, frivolous but painful. I'm not sure what to do other than find what triggers my energy again and get my hands dirty. It hasn't been a linear growth either, I go forward a little then fall backwards again... then pick myself back up... and so on. Maybe I'm farther than where I started and I'm not realizing it. That's something I have no idea whether to claim.I guess I might be confusing "what I want to do" with "what I am wanted to be wanting to do"....I'm rambling a lot, hold on, let me read the rest of what you said in a bit. But I am really interested in seeing what you have to say. You clearly have lived through similar things at least and come out the other end, however that happened.
The 28 yr old moarner
>>32602945Before I do that let me add thisFor me it's really hard to claim one thing or the other about what my relationship with chinese cartoon lewds ought to be. It's been a long term situation with many twists and turns. Everyone seems to have a different opinion. And after all the pain and shame I just settled on enjoying it while I have a reason to. I don't really know anymore.
>>32602972I just generally feel pretty lost and am not too sure what I want in life anymore. I have felt this way for well over a year. I do everything "provisionally".>>32602776>I hear ya. Yeah that’s actually fine, it’s the ideal. See the reason why some people can have zero empathy/live with a void/disconnect from life/dehumanise themselves or others or both etc etc – it’s because the harder your life experiences, the less you relate with others.I never thought to see it this way, interesting. I have felt this odd disconnect for as long as I can remember, I never felt like I LOVED and really respected my parents. And you can imagine it's something that makes you a scumbag, well, it's always been like that for me. Then I couldn't really relate to my same age peers past somewhere in elementary school. But I digress, point being that generally I've had this humming sensation all my life of being some kind of alien.>The earlier this occurs to you in life, the more severely disconnected you feel, the darker the void.Right, intensifying patterns>Especially if it’s been an ongoing non-stop death-by-a-thousand-cuts kind of tough shit happening to you, or within you.It's funny because while I would say it's by a thousand cuts, it's all kinda what I would feel inclined to describe as petty. But then it's just so confusing. In the end I'm not all that sure of how I ended up like this.>It can make a human relate to precisely no-one.That must be hell. Though in my childhood and early teenagehood, the people I related to for some unholy reason would ALWAYS either move away or I could only see them on holidays. So I always had to fall back on the internet to find people that I could really relate with, which of course I always felt subtle shame for. Pretty horrible mixed feelings in retrospectcharacter limit again
>>32602886>I actually had a very rare breakdown with crying and all a bit after posting this.Based. A healthy response to hearing or seeing the truth read back to you. Or what normies would call, feeling ‘seen’. Weakness is fine. Feels bad but is fine. Everyone has a weakness. >Like all the dreams and fantasies and ideals and virtues, I have them, but I can never make something tangible out of them.Nice as those fantasies, ideals and virtues that appear within the mental images projected upon one’s eyelids during ruminative daydreams can be, do you notice they also impale you brutally in your mind too? How the reverse will manifest through crushing self hatred or doubt, inner criticism that takes form of inner mental abuse. It can be an intense mental beat down. >things that ultimately seem to serve as something I run away to, not really aligned with my will.Yep. The running away to something is explained by identifying what we what we run from, which would be ourselves, or, the inner critic I mentioned before. We run to things to drown it out and kill the sound. >>32602945>It's really telling that I still feel the need for those things despite porn clearly quelling the desires.Yep. Because sex is a good and healthy thing. Bonding physically with someone you desire, making the mental and emotional attempt to connect a physical reality with both people using the body as the medium. That is healthy and good, spiritual even. Porn cheats us out of the feast by selling us just scraps. The hungrier we become as a result, the more we depend on the scraps. We never make it to that feast, that banquet of connection if we remain stuck on porn.>I unconsciously but necessarily have done so to compensate for the environment that has surrounded me all my life.Bingo. That is exactly what happened to you.>I go forward a little then fall backwards again.Perfectly normal. Go forward twice, fall back once. Still means you’re +1 ahead.
>>32602989>Unless that human finds, as you said, kindred spirits. This is a good thing. You feel easier to be human around them because it’s real, you are not mistaken.So considering that, this is a relief to hear. I thought I was crazy all those early years. I used to throw the worst tantrums when I was separated from those people I liked time and time again.And finally going into self diagnosis...>This could range from autism, adhd, whatever disorder you got fucked with since birth, or childhood abuse/neglect or all at once.These are the kind of phenomena that I keep thinking I might or might not have. I was accused of having autism as a little kid by doctors (conclusion, never got diagnosed). I spaced out a lot in school. I had birth complications. I use my body a little weirdly. etc.
>>32602997And even now I have trouble focusing with a lot of things. I have this hunch thar there's something emotional underlying my lack of focus but I'm so numb to it I can't really tell. Whatever the cause is, my attentional focus narrows very easily.I'll read your post in a bit. Thank you for having the kindness to come in here and help, and for taking the time to reply.
>>32599156>I thought if i deleted it i could move down the path of being normal and then i would find someone. You made the. first step towards it, congratulations. Now keep making more steps forward, don't go backwards. Better to realize now at 28 than at 32 like I have.
(Hey I guess the poor focus thing really showed here huh. Well no, lol I was doing something else.)>>32602995>Based. A healthy response to hearing or seeing the truth read back to you.Yep, seeing through others what you're running away from...>Weakness is fine. Feels bad but is fine. Everyone has a weakness. True that.>do you notice they also impale you brutally in your mind too? How the reverse will manifest through crushing self hatred or doubt, inner criticism that takes form of inner mental abuse. It can be an intense mental beat down. YES, I do. It wasn't always like this. It turned dark once I started feeling like I wasn't putting nearly any of it into action. So just maybe, that answers the issue?>Because sex is a good and healthy thing. Bonding physically with someone you desire, making the mental and emotional attempt to connect a physical reality with both people using the body as the medium. That is healthy and good, spiritual even.So I've heard! Not that I would know, though, however good or bad or whatever that's meant to be.>Porn cheats us out of the feast by selling us just scraps. The hungrier we become as a result, the more we depend on the scraps. We never make it to that feast, that banquet of connection if we remain stuck on porn.I know this is true, and yet, it's really tough. My feelings are basically what I said in >>32602972 but I would like to emphasize that I just don't know what to do. Since ignoring my sexual drive doesn't ever work, obviously, and cruising on the lack of stimulation is unbearably intense. The only times I've found it subsides is when I'm out and about and have no space to myself.>Perfectly normal. Go forward twice, fall back once. Still means you’re +1 ahead.I'll hope. I continue.
Op here. A lot of replies. Ill see what i can comment on but i feel like with most im just going to be repeating myself a ton. >>32602118>NTA but man... I don't even know why I should bother with people! It's just so much easier to feel human with my hentaiI tried to get into hentai and although its good for fantasies nothing beats the real thing, from real people in some cases you know. There is a stronger connection to me when i am looking at a naked person ive talked to, and know personally, than a drawing. Or with the women i had got nudes from, sometime i would look at them nude and remember the conversations we had, what kinks they have, etc. If i could be with someone in person, i literally wouldnt see a reason to use porn. The reason why i am sad about losing this collection is because i basically lost that connection with countless women, and i also dont think i have the energy to try to rebuild a collection like this that took me 10 years of solid work and with the escorts, thousands of dollars. Its not just bought clips or something like some people are insinuating, this was nudes of women who i cared about and will never be able to get ever again. Thats why im regretful and sad about it. >>32601696>Yeah you are. You can be a human with a void and still be human. Doesn’t make you less humanIve always felt due to how i am i am not allowed to experience nor feel what others get to feel. But i still want it, so i had to find some other way that was more in the shadows. >Check in the last place you wanna look. In (you). You are the missing piece of your own puzzle. You fill that void with you. Humanise thyself. I tried this too, hard to humanize yourself when you have a pile of evidence you arent. >Do it slow. You have all the time in the world. Im nearly 30, i dont think i have a huge amount of time before opportunities end up fading into nothing. Ive already lost a ton.
>>32601696>I would. That void would stay tooSo was your mom a fake mom because of the void she left? Not all things that leave a void were fake. I like to believe i made the right choice on deleting all of it but i also feel like what i want isnt a possibility for me. Or maybe it was if i had gotten help sooner but nowadays no. >Choose to believe this, and it will be so.I dont know if i have any hope left in me at this point.
>>32599182>muh right thingGood goy moment.People like you deserve even less trust than porn.
>>32601609>i dont have a soul and am not human.So average normalfag?
>>32599119>So now im regretting deleting it, wanting to go back to my old ways in optimized pleasure.Funny you say that, I view my addiction the same way. Which is one reason I'm glad I deleted my huge collection; instead of anticipating the perfect, curated fap, my brain can reset a bit and find the act of sex and nudity itself arousing instead.
>>32599119The only cure for addiction is to have something better to do. If you are dwelling on your addiction, it will win you back. Now is the time to do something to become the kind of man who might actually lead a meaningful life. If you can't see any path to that whatsoever, then I can't really help. But you get what you pay for anyway lmao
good thread
