>>32600735
Same

>>32600735
contradictory retard bait

>>32600783
Literally how?

>>32600783
recognizing it isn't actually a contradiction believe it or not. Pretty common misconception. I talk to people who are diagnosed with it and they can recognize it and feel bad for what they do to other people. Doesn't actually stop them and it doesn't stop me.

>>32600791
>>32600831
Okay. Then you must admit that this is false:
>I am an inherently evil person
But what damage do you cause to other people? Do you really know? I think it's hard to know. I know how to be a shitty person. But it's hard to know how much damage I cause to others with that.
I think it's probably more fruitful to focus on what damage you do to yourself, and learn how to not do that.

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>>32601237
Well I ruined my dad's life, caused my ex to kill themselves, and I'm often told I make life worse for the people around me. Plus people can often tell something is off with me and tend to flee. I try my best to right my wrong, but oftentimes just leads to even more destruction.

>>32601269
And the mere fact that I'm making those things about me on-top of that.

>>32601269
Do you also have sharp teeth and a desire for blood?

>>32601275
Were you also once a part of Satan's army long long ago?

>>32600735
Your narcissism was your way to survive an unwinnable situation that almost broke you a long ass time ago. Your mind chose narcissism as a defense. Figure out what that was.

>>32601279
Ah I guess I see where you're coming from though, and I guess I am exaggerating a little. It feels inherent, but it's not, and I should understand that I could have done something different. I guess I probably am using that as an excuse though. That's kind of what I mean, I just make excuses without even realizing it. I'm just really fucking stupid, I'm sorry.

>>32601269
That is some heavy stuff, but still rather vague. How did you ruin your dad's life, and what were your intentions in doing so? How did you cause your ex to commit suicide, and what were your intentions in doing so?
If you really intended these outcomes, or also just had general evil intentions to hurt them in some way, which ultimately led to these outcomes, then I believe a life full of remorse is probably just the consequence you have to endure. And remorse is very painful. I wonder: When you feel remorse do you seek for a cause outside of yourself that you want to fight and eliminate? I'm not a psychologist but to my understanding this seems to be the common narcissistic problem, which causes more and more damage: not being able to bear the consequences of one's own actions, twisting the truth and blaming others. I have experienced such tendencies in myself, but I would not call myself a narcissist. I think if one has such tendencies the only thing one can do to become better is to endure the pain and recognizing it as one's own doing. It will end. It may last long and reappear often but it is not permanent.
Dwelling on remorse, exacerbating it and indulging in it in some perverted way is not healthy. Accepting the pain, and one's own responsibility for it, letting it pass on its own time is the only way to get over it.

>>32601310
No, was just making a simple joke. Nothing on you. You're alright to feel however you feel and be you. I mean if you're an actual psychopath and your brain is damaged, I'm sorry. But if it's just lite narcissism it's just extra character. ChatGPT said since it's not psychopathy and there's still empathy it's just a dark fantasy obsession.

>>32601339
chatgpt is a retarded bs generator without a spark of awareness, though

>>32601348
I talk to it like I would a normal human and get decent responses. I mean it's not uncensored. But it gives straight up answers. It's mildly useful. Sorry for bringing it up.

>>32600735
You need to seek professional help if you are serious about preventing damage to others. Tell the therapist your goals and put in real effort to change.

It’s good that you want to prevent further harm, but if your efforts only extend to posting online it can very quickly turn into a fucked up way to boost your ego instead of actually helpful

>>32601333
I didn't do it on purpose, but at the same time those things were caused by my carelessness. It wasn't my intention, but I didn't fix those underlying issues either. I don't know how I ruined my dad's life, but he tells me so from time to time and he's generally pretty angry at me. I refuse to talk to him because I'm terrified of him. Also I was super secretive towards my partner and I even got upset at them the day they offed themselves. I didn't think they actually would harm themselves and clearly ignored the signs. I guess neglect would be the right word.
>then I believe a life full of remorse is probably just the consequence you have to endure.
You're right. I'm already getting the consequences of my actions I suppose.
>When you feel remorse do you seek for a cause outside of yourself that you want to fight and eliminate?
Not necessarily; I know the cause is myself. Same time I like to act like I'm incapable of fixing it.
>Dwelling on remorse, exacerbating it and indulging in it in some perverted way is not healthy.
You're right though - that's probably what I'm doing now.

>>32600735
>I have narcissism
NPD narcissism? Or just narcissism? Everyone has narcissism to degrees. NPD is a whole other box of frogs.

>I'm not really sure how to deal with it
Psychotherapy and anti-anxiety meds.

>minimize the damage I cause to people
I met a NPD diagnosed in recover once. His whole thing was admitting that’s what he was upfront, deliberately unmasking and letting himself be anxious, scared, self-doubting and vulnerable right off the bat. Said he had to force it.

>I am an inherently evil person
Nah, just a person who does evil things. Evil just means ‘lack of good’. Same as how the shadow is just lacking light. It doesn’t mean you are evil. Just caught up in it.

>Whenever I look it up I just get people complaining about their 'narcissistic' ex's.
Those people are retards. NPD is rare as fuck, 1 in 100 people. Chances their ex was actually a narc is slim as shit. They just make their ex a devil because heartbreak hurts. Also, ironically, people who demonise exes and act like perpetual angelic victims are usually the real narcissists in the equation.

>I struggle to read any books on the topic due to my insane zone-out
Dissociation. The brain will do that when you poke at its defenses that it created during a time of psychological survival. Hard barrier to break, but breakable over a process.

Actual NPD is less about narcissism despite its name, more about control. It’s a pathological desire for control, a need to make sure everyone around you can never eclipse you in any way, because if they do, your dissociative coping mechanic kicks in to defend the false-self it had created for your sanity. It does this to prevent whatever tore you open before (typically in childhood) from ever happening again.

Think of NPD like a Jojo stand or some shit. It manifested itself to fight for you. And the way it works is, you think you the stand, the mask, 100% and not the stand user/mask owner. Somethin like that.

>>32601373
>I don't know how I ruined my dad's life, but he tells me so
Then you probably didn't. He is probably just a narcissist seeking for someone to take the blame. You can stop this trend in your family lineage and grow above that.
>I'm already getting the consequences of my actions I suppose.
So do we all, good and bad. You seem to have painted yourself much worse here than you are, seeking for pity. I think I know similar pain to yours, and I think you deserve someone to life you up. I wish you all the best.

>>32601372
I don't have the money for a therapist. I guess I need to work harder to get that money though.
>it can very quickly turn into a fucked up way to boost your ego instead of actually helpful
You're also kind of right; that probably is what I'm doing right now. Genuinely unsure where to start though. I did try working extra hours and dad asked for more things and I was still left at square one. He just lives so expensively. He deserves better, but I can't save money this way! It's kind of why I came here, I don't think I can ever save the money for that. Also my dad would be livid if I went to a therapist.
>>32601418
I'm sorry, but what does 'life you up' mean?

>>32601444
It was a typo. I meant "lift" not "life".

>>32601384
>His whole thing was admitting that’s what he was upfront, deliberately unmasking and letting himself be anxious, scared, self-doubting and vulnerable right off the bat. Said he had to force it.
Yeah, I could be more open with it too and probably will warn those around me.
>Hard barrier to break, but breakable over a process.
If you think it's doable if I brute force it enough times, then I'll try.
>a need to make sure everyone around you can never eclipse you in any way
Yes I also have that. It's very silly I know. I know it is too - but I can't really control my extreme negative reactions to such things.
>>32601456
Ah I see. Thanks for the kind words. It at least helped to vent a little. I probably did write this seeking pity. I shouldn't have done that.

>>32601444
>He just lives so expensively. He deserves better, but I can't save money this way!
So you live with your dad and need to care for him financially because he has no (or not enough) income?
But also:
>I refuse to talk to him because I'm terrified of him.
It's a bit annoying how you are stringing us along with these twists, baiting for attention from people who want to get a clearer picture.
Reminds me a bit of one of my sisters who is a bit manipulative like that. We have a father whom I would call a narcissist, and we are all broken and fucked in the head from it to some extent. But I think I'm the most sane of us four.
Be a bit less stingy with details explaining the context and situation if you want to share.

>>32601489
>I shouldn't have done that.
I wouldn't say so necessarily. It's hard to find someone to listen and can seem like the only way to reach out for someone to pay attention. But yeah, it's a strategy that one should keep in check and not overuse and make a habit.

>>32601489
>Yeah, I could be more open with it too and probably will warn those around me.
>>Hard barrier to break, but breakable over a process.
>If you think it's doable if I brute force it enough times, then I'll try.

That's another thing that reminds me of my sister. Taking advice like that and trying to please the advice-giver, or so it seems to me, by promising to follow up on it.
I'm not sure it makes sense. To me it makes not much sense to "expose" oneself as a "narcissist" to make oneself vulnerable. I actually think that's wrong, that's artificial, that's not real.
And I guess anon didn't even meant it as advice, just an anecdote.

This urge of having to please others, or appear to be doing so on the surface. That's terribly annoying, and dangerous because it leads to so much falsehood.

But maybe I misinterpret it all. That could also be. Just sharing my thoughts.

>>32601489
>Yeah, I could be more open with it too and probably will warn those around me.
Have fun with it. Use narcissism to devour narcissism. That means make a grandiose wager with yourself to see how far you will reveal all your compartmentalised tricks and manipulations to someone’s face. For example, if you meet someone new and cool, and they talk about their friend who isn’t (you), tell them something like
>Tell me more about this friend. I would like to meet them so that I can exaggerate and lie to them to convince them you hate them so that I can triangulate you both and keep you reliant on myself.

>If you think it's doable if I brute force it enough times, then I'll try.
Go for it. It’s very painful, like tearing off your own face to reveal your actual face. Worth it though. Psychedelic ego death can accelerate the process. But use that route as a last measure.

>but I can't really control my extreme negative reactions to such things.
I believe you. For you, life probably feels like driving in the front seat of a car but also trapped in the back of it at the same time. Watching yourself sabotage shit in real time from the peephole of your mind and all that.

>>32601444
Listen
My ex was a narcissist and her dad did the same thing to her. He financially exploited her and refused to get a job because he thought he was too good to work. I have no doubt the core of her narcissist behavior came from her upbringing by her dad and mom.
I can only advise you to meet a therapist that specializes in narcissism. Even a telephone therapist is better than nothing.

>>32601550
idk, man. that just seems sick and twisted and fucking yourself up even more.
are you speaking from experience? has it really helped you?

>>32601563 >>32601550
>Psychedelic ego death can accelerate the process.
i mean, this is the only sentence i can really get behind. shrooms and lsd are good for everyone.

>>32601563
>idk, man. that just seems sick and twisted and fucking yourself up even more.
Yes, that is the point because the ‘self’ is a false self that narcissism created that you pilot around like a phantom persona to control social dynamics. It needs to be deleted. Because it’s an autonomous fantasy, a mask that thinks its the real face.

>are you speaking from experience?
Yep.

>has it really helped you?
Yeah because now I live for 1 instead of 2. By that I mean I no longer pour energy into a false act. Do you know how exhausting narcissism is? It’s fucking tiring. You know it’s exhausting. That’s why you identify with images of tired-looking characters like girl in OP image.

>>32601584
I'm not the one who wrote the OP.

I wrote these posts:
>>32601333
>>32601418
>>32601456
>>32601492
>>32601535
>>32601563

Maybe good to start name-fagging.

>>32601606
ah, but i think i just misread with you meant with your last sentence. ok. my bad. should go to sleep.

>>32601492
My apologizes. Yes though, I pay for his existence right now. He hasn't worked a job since I was in Highschool, so possibly nearing 10 years ago. I'm not sure why he doesn't work. I'm genuinely terrified of him because he can get very agressive very easily. I understand I'm probably over-reacting, but I genuine worry he'll hurt me if I anger him too much. Feel like I'm already on thin ice with him. There was one point where I did push him, and he got very livid and told me I treat him like a roommate. It has absolutely paralyzed me, ironically leading to me talking to him even less. As for ruining his life, I'm not sure since I never asked for clarification (again I'm terrifed). I have a severely autistic brother, and I definitely didn't help take care of him until I was like 19. I do already know the awnser, just talk to him. Even after this I know I will just kick the can down the road, which was why I was sort of skiddish to talk about it. He does believe in a bunch of insane conspiracies, and I feel they probably contribute to him not wanting to get a job since he believes in a bunch of weird non-sense about vaccines being used to euthanize people, and I feel like to ask him to work a job would require me to destroy that entire world view. Something that I also feel is just impossible. Please don't hesitate to ask more if the picture isn't quite clear enough.

>>32601560
What did she do about it once she figured this out? What changes did she make to fix her life? What did therapists tell her if she even did any of that.
I didn't even know phone therapists were a thing. I'll keep it in mind if I feel brave enough to call one. It seems we do have some free ones, or are at least cheaper.

>>32601535
Also yes, I'm a people pleaser. How is it artificial though? I am a genuine narcissist. I mean it does explain probably why people get annoyed with me so easily despite trying to please them however I can. I just want them to like me I guess. I'm sorry I'm that annoying though, especially when you are taking time out to try to help. Thank you for being blunt about it though - I genuinely need that since people tend not to be so blunt.

>>32601619
that sounds pretty awful. what about your mother? is she dead? and how old is your autistic brother? is he living with you and your dad?
i'd think it would be best to just get away from there and leave your dad to his own devices. but i guess that's difficult and always easy to say from outside.
anyway, i need to go to sleep. wish you all the best.

>>32601724
Yeah, she's dead - died from stress related heart attack, especially with me not having helped during those times. He's 30 and lives in a care home now thankfully. I do want to get out of here, but my dad would be screwed if I did that. He did do a lot for me as a kid actually - despite how I've portrayed him as a monster. He isn't. He is a good guy actually. Just because I pay his bills doesn't really mean I actually did much for him.
But anyways thanks for trying to help, and sorry if it was very incoherent tonight. Been very much in a panic tonight.

>>32600735
Talk to an actual psychiatrist or at least psychotherapist, don't self-diagnose
Focusing too much on the label or diagnosis is unhealthy, don't let it define you just focus on treating symptoms first

Also look up 10 stages in the treatment of narcissistic personality disorder>>32600735

>>32601743
Not that anon but hope you don't beat yourself up over it and are alright.