>Born in 93>Younger of 2 siblings in loving middle class family>Normal happy childhood>Agnostic mother; atheist father>Love to draw>Mom (nurse) has stroke when I’m 11 from trying to lift morbidly obese patient>Barely survives surgery>Permanent brain damage resulting in little damage to her cognition, but total loss of impulse control>Starts doing every kind of drug, stops eating>Homelife becomes a nightmare>Mom loses weight, bottoming out at 90lb, starts talking about killing herself constantly>Dad has to quit new job to pick back up at his old one (lots of travel; I’m left at home with mentally deranged mom + abusive older sibling)>Escape into my art>Flash forward 7 years, both parents are separated after both cheating on each other>Still love them both after everything>Show Mom drawing of picture I had been working really hard at ; she starts crying and tells me to never give up, shows off drawing to every family member, talks about it every time I see her>2 years later, Mom passes away from a whole panoply of causes (I’m 20)>see it happen, see her take her last breath knowing that was it>Devastated>Continue working on art, focus everything on it>Go to art school next year; drop out after 2 years because it’s art school (full of “activists,” useless degree, admin keeps lying about scholarship stuff/raising tuition)>Work throughout my 20’s, supporting myself while working on art>31 now, lost most of my friends, cut off contact with sibling>No followers online, can’t make money (duh)>Found God through the process of creating my art, so that’s a plus>Otherwise, I guess I just suck at art because I'm a total failure>Was already in the midst of yet another depressive episode recently>David Lynch diedI think I wanna give up. Really want to die desu but can’t because it would fuck over too many people. Thinking about converting to Catholicism or Orthodoxy to eventually become a monk.How do I make sense out of any of this?
Addendum: I did not support myself very well throughout my 20's. As an adult, for the most part, I have been a dysfunctional drain on a lot of other peoples' finances, though I at least managed to force myself to stay employed for around half of those years.
keep going strong man. don't know about religion being the silver bullet, I'm not religious in any way shape or form, but I'm a fellow artist, a musician, and yeah, it's tough. keep your head cool, it's good that you are able to be as close to independent as possible keeping yourself employed, but remember your art, that shit will keep you going when you don't know where else to go. sorry about you mom, and you family situation, but I do hope to see you doing well in the future, so keep at it, take care of yourself, and good luck
>>32605701Stay cool bro, as an atheist myself I tell you not to put your trust in external things (like God), but if you want then do it. Just don't give up.I would recommend you to check Taoism. Also >>32605808
>>32607062God is neither a thing, nor external.Father said and say still that He is more intimate to us than we are to ourself. Maybe you just have another comprehension of God, or some theological options of some theologies don't please you (it's fortunate though that there exist theological plurality).>>32605701What is the problem here ? People died and had illnesses ? Aside from the psychological problems they made from it and the distortion of relationships, I don't see that like such a big a problem. Death is nothing, and is even beneficial as we pass to a better life, so we don't die. It's a self-imposed burden you have if you get sad from the transformation that God intented for us (death and birth to the afterlife). My grand-father just died, and I'm not sad, I want to pray more for him, and I want his becoming after life to happen well. There is truth in the fact I saw a priest tell a woman grieved from the death of someone : "you're not christian, that's why you're in this state". Cimettaries comes from the greek (kimothos" to sleep, It's like calling this place a dormitory. So have faith and find joy from it, and this is grace, and it can and does grow in life according to our closeness to divine thoughts, divine will and energy,.... It all depends on you to be positive. As an artist you can clearly understand this kind of idealism, the inner life matters more, and God doesn't want us to put our faith in external or passing things (even in social mundane success like in the case of your art), but he wants us to grow the warmth in our heart (see about the Jesus-prayer you know already I guess but you can read lots of saints on that). Faith and God, etc... is an unending source of joy and comfort for me. The external things doesn't matter, even my own nullity and the fact I'm not a good christian, God loves me anyway and I depend on this love and the love I have from Him.
>>32605701https://youtu.be/fr1Kn1LZvNQGod is love, and saint Prophyrios even said love is God. So love is God, it is the divine within us. love is joy. Love and have faith in it's divine nature/source. It is eternal and will last eternally, cultivate love and grow it in life. You will be happy. Have a grindset for love, divine love, love of God and from God, and God loved us through external manifestations of his love too (created things, and other human beings), don't get stuck on onlyh one quality of God's loving embrace (creation), enjoy what he gives you (and espectially religion, services, prayers, the actions and sayings of saints who were closer to God and transpired his love).
>>32605701You can live in an orthodox monastery helping the monks as a layperson, to see if that's the right path for you. Prepare to chop wood, work metal, eat no meat, fast, pray and consume a lot of eggs.
>>32607173This, you can even do it to set you in your life spiritually and psychologically. It gives a direct experience of a more integral christian practical life. It is a great experience and levels up your inner life if you adapt (even those who just visit for a few days are often nurished from the example/experience/etc...) I tend to think the longer the better, to learn to enjoy this/the spiritual life. If you enjoy it very much you can become monk and even unite with God (that's why you progressively feel more joy).
>>32605701>want to die desu but can’t because it would fuck over too many peopleYou think too highly of yourself, or you severely underestimate "many people". Don't hold out on dying on my account, anon, I'll survive without you.Anyway, how are you a "total failure" at "art"? How do you define success and failure in that regard? Do you want to sell more, get more likes/retweets/whatevers, be regarded as a "good artist" by any group/demographic in particular?
>>32605701You claim to have no friends or family, but suicide would affect too many people.If people would be pained by your loss, then you are NOT a failure.
Life is ugly and we are either forged by the fires or burnt You're doing good son
