Try new things Editionprevious: >>35286117Goal of the thread: Try something new that is good for you. A dish, a form of exercise, a new activity.Daily goals can be repeated. Remember to keep score, it can only go up!>What is this thread for?Getting better is hard, and sucks. A lot. It does not get easier doing it alone.Share resources and experiences with combating depression, anxiety, personal issues, achieving or maintaining a healthy weight, etc.>Why is this thread /lgbt/?Struggles with mental and physical health are an indisputable part of /lgbt/ life, be it from dysphoria, social pressure, heartbreak, or just unfortunate lifestyle choices.>Notes to consider:Please be civil. Shame is your greatest enemy in fighting urges of self abuse (be it sh, drugs, or just self deprecation). Relapsing into bad and unhealthy habits is to be expected, the goal is to increase the average amount of time it takes between relapses. Any improvement is a victory no matter how small. Your worth and right to get better are non-negotiable. And most importantly:WE ARE NOT THERAPISTS, WE DON'T REPLACE MEDICATION>Note on adviceGeneric advice won't necessarily help you in particular, but for those it does it is an essential foundation to build future progress on, not a miracle cure. Do not underestimate the effects subtle changes to your lifestyle can have. Try first, keep us posted on your progress, build from there.We are *always* short on self help resources, so if anything was useful to you, let us know!Since the OP is getting too long I moved all resources into their own post, see below!## RESOURCE LINKS: !!! Updated - sorry for letting the old links die !!!Resource link paste: https://sntry.cc/sig-resources-2024-04General advice from Anons: https://sntry.cc/sig-tips-2024-04Posts from other sites (markdown format): https://sntry.cc/sig-posts-2024-04
Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!- prepare 1 load of laundry- do 1 load of laundry- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish- eat a meal- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes- make your bed- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)- do the dishes for 3 minutes- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)- Open your window for 10-20 minutes- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)- take out the trash- drink a glass of water- put one item of trash in the bin- reach out to an online contact- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:IRC: https://kiwiirc.com/nextclient/irc.rizon.net/#/lgbt/sigDiscord: https://discord.gg/2NhdfNgQTpI get the feeling I used that exact OP image before... Oh well.
Copied over from last thread so it is easier to find for people. Some replies are missing, blame the chat count, I am writing those up as we speak.>>35421079I have faith she will be okay. She seemed quite busy recently, I am sure she will tell us what is up.>>35422987Fingers crossed, if not I might try some digging through the archives for you on the weekend, as long as you have a vague time window, give or take a month or three.>>35424301Absolutely awesome, anon! I dunno what your med situation is (I would like to know if it helped to talk about it) but I am wishing you ALL the best on those fronts! It sucks when health gets in the way of such essential things.>>35425383Than you, by the way!>>35426103The keyword you are looking for is grounding exercises. One thing that can help is the 5 senses technique, check the paste here: https://sntry.cc/sig-tips-2024-04Also, some people really love creating.. or destroying. Ripping paper, doodling, playing with putty, anything that stimulates and makes you focus on something cathartic.>>35426165Holy shit anon! That's amazing! I haven't seen an update from you in a bit, I hope you're proud of that massive improvement.>>35426891But you didn't <3>>35428568Good call, I hope it went well panty!>>35430286The bad news is that these kinda procedures usually fuck with your... ability to breathe, so people tend to sidestep it with their wardrobe. I have yet to hear of any healthy way to mess with ribs.>>35431911My room tends to be a veritable fox den but these days the floor tends to to be tidy at least.>>35432597Wonderfully done Junko, I hope you know. Also, remember to harvest some zucchini flowers.>>35434044Thank goodness!
>>35427148> i dont wanna give out that information on the basket weaving forum100% fair. I only ask to offer indirect support but yeah 4chan is public.>, i do diy injections behind her back anyway btwglad you do. It is a shame tranners have to resort to fucking automed though.>yeah idk i dont want to waste his time bc its worth more than mineThink of it this way: what is worth his time ultimately he must decide. I consider the time I spend discussing these things with you well spent too for example. And I can't guarantee he will say yes. But I do urge you to offer.>i dont want to strip down for a laser tech, i have a tria but its slow and weaka tria? And I see, fair!>i already read on the train and i like taking 6 hour baths if that counts as self careyes that is perfect. Would you like to add something specific? Skin care routine you already got too, so exercise would be a thing you haven't yet incorporated?
I think that wraps it up. Goodnight everyone! If I missed a post, boop me.>>35425291Ohh, I see. Thanks for clarifying the meds situation. It means we will have to slowly>No, i started cutting contact with them before december what motivated you to? I am sure you get the general idea I am pursuing here so this is quite crucial.>Even if I wouldn't do so I wouldn't trust them with going in deep even if I could overcome my trauma or smth that blocks me from just venting vocally. Did they do something or what is your internal reasoning?>see >take a lot of effort to find someone...I fully understand.>paranoiaah yes so it really was the conservative environment, it genuinely sucks. And I acknowledge that there is a level of danger of exposing your transness to others, but at the same time, as far as I understand at least, there are lgbt circles in poland too, and people look out for each other to some extent because of the dangers. Having peers in this would help a great deal, don't you think? And yes, deserving better is not the whole story, of course. I just added it because you know some people don't think themselves worthy, your issues are grounded elsewhere though. And... mustering the energy to get out of bed is a key thing in all this.>>35426103By the way that's avogado6 art isn't it?
>>35434868If you know a place where these threads are archived, I’d really appreciate you looking into the jewelry website for me. I think it was in January or February when someone gave me the link. As for how my day went, I didn’t end up getting much done. One problem I’m dealing with is that since I gave myself deadlines for finishing my comics, drawing has become a chore rather than a pleasure. I think I’m slowly working my way through that but any advice other posters could offer on dealing with this kind of block would be appreciated. I haven’t had deadlines in so long I’ve forgotten what an awful procrastinator I can be.
>>35435261Something I tried was dividing it into time units instead of doing deadlines. I figure out how long I want to take overall and divide it into smaller units for each aspect. So e.g. 6 hrs for a 3 panel comic divided into a plotting, sketch/lineart/flat colours, dialog. You'd sit down for 2 hrs and try to get all the plotting and sketching done in that time, then you can continue some other time if you want to. Didn't really get to test it out yet but it keeps me more relaxed. Won't really make you keep your deadlines but it should get you used to regularly drawing.
>>35435594Blocking out time is a good idea! I’ll definitely try that. Much appreciated, anon!
I went on a hike today. Got about 2 or 3 miles into the state park before I had to turn around because I finally checked the weather. I hadn't brought anything for rain so I decided to head back. I went to the gym and did chest and abs. Did a lot of classwork for tomorrow, too. I'm really exhausted. Probably just gonna do my self care stuff and go to bed after I read a bit of the Long Discourses of the Buddha. Might meditate but I fear I will fall asleep midway through.
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Days without smokes: 45JPN-Anki failed: 0/8
>>35409217>why did you give up at the peak?wasn't seeing any change despite consistently eating 2000-2500 calories a day for multiple weeks. got discouraged>you probably have, given meds and maybe other things, a bias towards undereatingtrue I guess. my average in the last 4 weeks is 1920.>drink calories2000 calories before liquid calories!? that sounds like a lot. I'm getting a good 4-500 calories a day from soda/energy drinks and milk. I guess that would mean aiming for ~2500 including food and drink? that's pretty much my old target, and I'm able to reach it with some close attention to making sure I'm eating often>what is the limiting factorI guess one limiter for me is buying food, not like I'm too broke to afford groceries but I don't have a car, and it's so inconvenient and anxiety inducing riding the bus to and from the store, and I can't carry much each trip. I tend to put off going until I'm almost completely out of food, and obviously I eat more when I have more options. of course this is just kind of a stupid thing I have to get into the habit of, it feels silly writing it. I guess sometimes I have trouble finishing meals or remembering to eat but that's becoming less of an issue as I go. it felt weird when I started the pills and wasn't able to eat more than a few bites of food like I felt a year ago>eating habits like, when do you eatidk, I try to eat 2-3 meals of 300-500 calories and fill the rest in with snacks and liquids. I just kind of eat when I can/when I feel like it atm. actually that's another issue, when I'm out of the house I usually don't eat for several hours until I get home>how does it affect you emotionally?not much really. idk if I ever technically had an eating disorder or anything, I would starve myself when depressed but it wasn't like compulsive. now seeing how disgustingly skinny my body is affects me way more
Good luck out there wherever you are, miu miu
I know this may be a bit abstract to give solid advice to, but my problem is that I'm in this state of learned helplessness. I'm waiting for someone to come along and fix all my problems for me and make all the hard decisions for me and save me from the way my life is now. And I don't know how to get out of that mindset without going to the next extreme which for me is a state of frankly delusional self confidence. These two modes feed into each other where I'll be over confident fail and then fall into helplessness until that feeling fades and the confidence comes back. But even on a macro scale this is a helpless cycle because it always ends up with me doing nothing to actually forwarding my life, then the helplessness again. So how do I get out of this mindset?
>>35435084>100% fair. I only ask to offer indirect supportthis was long ago now anyway>a tria?handheld laser, real laser not ipl>yes that is perfect. Would you like to add something specific? Skin care routine you already got too, so exercise would be a thing you haven't yet incorporated?exercise idk, i would be interested in lifting to get some curves but im too shy to go to the gym even though its basically next to the place im at.
>>35440705realPresumably through self actualization, aka. cognitive restructuring through realizing your goals in spite of feeling helpless.Being aware is good, from there you can try challenging yourself when that awareness pops up in the moment. In a good mindset, I basically host an inner debate between my "managerial self" and "vulnerable self", coaching my helpless side towards acting vs. idling.While I don't subscribe to particular therapies, the concept of Internal Family Systems or Wise Minds (from DBT) is a start, from the perspective of self-inductive coaching. A lot easier said than done though, for sure - getting over executive dysfunction is another thing entirely...
>>35440705Let me give this a try. I experienced similar things in the past. To me, “learned helplessness” means you weren’t given the chance to learn how to do something on your own, and so you were made to feel like trying was pointless and you had better just wait for help. Try writing a list of things you know you can do without help. Then write a list of things you’ve struggled to do on your own. Maybe write about why someone else did those things for you. Hopefully that will help you recognize that it’s not that you were bad at all those things necessarily, and more that somebody in your life didn’t have the patience to let you try doing it yourself. A thing to keep in mind is that making mistakes can be part of the learning process, rather than proof that you can’t do something. And getting help from other people for certain tasks is okay. It doesn’t have to mean you aren’t doing your best, or enabling your mindset of dependency. Oh, and instead of asking other people to do things for you, you can ask them to show you how to do it.
>>3543482481 days sober today. Really grateful about that and I can definitely see some positive changes in my mental and spiritual health. Still unemployed but doing my best to find a job. Going to sign up with a temp agency or something similar soon. I cracked on nicotine after a month being free of it due to having going through an incredibly stressful week sober, which im disappointed about but its only nic gum. Ive been righting a few past wrongs this week and its taught me a lesson on living “life on life’s terms” thanks to that stressful week. I can feel the way I’ve grown as a person since then and Im really proud of myself for that. I feel less like a helpless child throwing a temper tantrum and more like an adult doing their best. The job hunt is getting discouraging but I had a really good second interview with a company i really want to work for doing something adjacent to my former career in the mortgage industry. I am praying that works out or something else pops up soon. Weirdly I am getting a lot more spiritual as someone that was formerly an atheist. I pray now, though i don’t exactly know to whom or what. I have seen a few instances in the last week where those prayers have been answered and Im grateful to them.I am doing my best. Today after a week from hell I am giving myself permission to take a rest day for myself and going to the park to people watch and sot in the shade. Theres a farmers market nearby and I think I will hit that up, get a drink and a papusa and relax in the shade for a few hours. Tomorrow I will get back to my rigorous job hunt but today I need a break.
been trying to order hrt for a weektoo scared
Bump.
Love thy maid
Night report------------------+ Days without smokes: 45+ JPN-Anki failed: 0/8+ Self care goals: Done+ Work: Dreadful+ ASL: 20 minutes+ ASL-Anki: 0/38 + 10+ Polish: Slayed~ Exercise: Sick+ Voice training: 10 min turns out my voice passes, my coworkers didn't know I was trans~ Gardening: Sick (but thankfully it rained)- Dinner: Heavy+ Tarot: Performed readings------------------Maid points today: 8Maid points total: 276>>35444150blessed
>>35435098I just didn't want to see anyone or talk with anyone, got few panic attacks in uni and at streets. And from talking with few of them nearly every other day on dc while gaming and meeting with the rest once in a while I went to just sitting in my home 98% of the time with 2% being chores. I already asked here how I could meet up with them without it being strange but I gave up on that idea and don't really want to meet with them. As for venting I can't just talk about deeply, surface level talk is ok but I just have a mental block (probably some childhood trauma lol) and I would feel ashamed of venting about things that doesn't seem big as a category or trans stuff where they can't relate to it at all. I live in 60k town with average age being 40-45, it's full of miner retirees their children and children of their children, closest big city is 45min+ ride away from me and I gave up on driving license half way thru. I know there are some support groups there but I can't get there on time with public transport, same with meeting people with last bus going back relatively early for that.I'm thinking about getting SN for the case of becoming homeless or finally being able to end it all with easier method than going outside. I hope the link I got two months ago is still working but it's a bit expensive for me so I may search for something more local :/ >>35444150I also save it god bless the kinky lady and her lesbian dragon friends>>35444297>my voice passesI fucking wish but I can't stand my voice or be consistent :C
The suicidal thoughts are backMore cope eatingNo internet in the middle of the night right after my shiftEarth is gay
>>35444444Digits!!!!!!
>>35444652Haven't seen them, I wish it could be on a better post than me misspelling a word and being suicidal
>>35444642You know what’s really funny?It would be so incredibly easy for someone to just convince me to suicideLike all they would have to do is promise me their love and I would probably do it. Damned the demented sad parents, damned my distant siblings and relatives or friends. Just scoop me up and offer me love and I will definitely listen to your request. It’s kinda hilarious how fragile I amHah
>>35445340Spreading vitriol fuels meIf I die I want everyone else to suffer too
Hi /sig/, Panty here. I just got an Amazon haul of /sig/ stuff. >Bamboo cutting board with rubber feet>A foot scrubbing mat to put in the shower>Longer purse strap so I can finally wear my purse crossbody>Pic related — A cotton/linen tunic shirt with pocketsMore fashionable than white t-shirts, at least! A small step towards improving my wardrobe again. Also, I went grocery shopping and got the ingredients to make a roasted green vegetable soup: Potatoes, cauliflower, broccoli, zucchini, spinach and frozen peas. I’m going to try setting a timer to work on my comic sometime today or tomorrow. I was preoccupied by other chores today.
>>35445742ahhh soupmoding, dopemakes me feel like a cooking witch with a boiling cauldron of hearty nutrients (:<can meal prep and freeze it in ziploc bags too (saves space since you can stack em flat lol)
>>35435261https://archived.moe/lgbt/ there is an advanced search even!I'll look into it over the weekend, sure thing.>>35435594Oh, very good advice, I should keep it in mind!>>35435849sounds like a very productive day overall! Over here April tends to be very volatile weather wise, I even had snow on my birthday many years ago.>>35439163It's normal, sadly it's always the same with marathon bullshit like this. Take me, I lost 40kg in a year and then stalled having already reached normal weight. And still I was as dissatisfied with it as if I had not accomplished anything, we are not entirely rational beings and tend to give up because life is short and struggles suddenly don't feel worth it. Unfortunately that often ends in self sabotage though. I took a three month break from dieting, refraining from counting cals at all. I didn't gain as far as I can tell>my average in the last 4 weeks is 1920.yeah, no wonder you lose weight!>2000 calories before liquid calories!? yup! It's already great you have liq cals in your diet so yes I would def expect that.Remember that 500kcal/day surplus would, under ideal circumstances, mean a weight gain of 500g/week. That would imply 100% retention. Also remember that as you gain your intake increases, and that your chart tells me your TDEE is likely >2000kcal actually. So 2500 is lowballing it.>, and I can't carry much each tripGet a shopping trolley, they can be a bit pricey if they are well made but the slighty janky 40-50 bucks ones will do.>when I'm out of the house I usually don't eat for several hours until I get homeconsider keeping a bag of nuts or other snack foods in your luggage. In general, peanuts and similar things are your friends. If you're a fan of stuff like frangipane, nut butters and the like there is tons one can do.Also, sounds like your stomach capacity may be a bit low? >now seeing how disgustingly skinny my body is affects me way morethat will make it easier I suppose!
This is how progress looks overall, including all stalls, the break, and so on and so forth.
>>35446737Found the link! Finally. The site was called “hardjewelry.com.” Thanks for pointing me towards the archive.
>>35440597you're a sweetheart, anon. I am sure miu miu appreciates it. How are you though!>>35440848>handheld laser, real laser not iplohh, I get it! Thanks for clarifying.> i would be interested in lifting to get some curves but im too shy to go to the gym even though its basically next to the place im at.we actually have a book on that in the resources, I never read it myself but some people liked it (isbn and libgen/cloudflare link in the resources). It might be that it has exercises you can do at home actually. In general though there is plenty you can do with just a yoga mat and a foam roll. Stairs are also useful in that context if you have some in the privacy of your home.>>35441245What are your concerns? We can plan for them, and help you with the hard bits.>>35441021First of all, congrats for having made it to 80 days by now! It's awesome, and I'm happy to hear. Job searching is hell, and I am glad you are cutting yourself some slack. You clearly have the tenacity to make it, it is a marathon and you are working hard on making it. >I pray now, though i don’t exactly know to whom or what.sometimes the ritual is the important thing. There are interesting observations that people have made regarding stuff like tumblr witches. These things can build confidence and form a useful set of mental health and mindfulness exercises in their own way. And yes, breaks are an integral aspect of productivity, not an interruption of it. You are doing amazing anon.>>35444297congrats on the voice passing, Junko! And I hope you get well soon. A cold or something?
>>35444444First of all, nice get.> I already asked here how I could meet up with them without it being strange but I gave up on that idea and don't really want to meet with them.You shouldn't. Ultimately you need to accept that your internal reservations are something that needs overcoming, we are not perfectly rational creatures and often get in our own way more than we should. What were you recommended and what spoke against it?>I just have a mental blockI have probably asked but have you ever seen a therapist about it? I feel like we talked about therapy before I just need a quick reminder, pardon my shit memory>I would feel ashamed of venting about things that doesn't seem big there's a reason I keep saying shame is an enemy to self improvement, it gets in the way of your emotional needs sadly. It is hard to overcome, but it can be worn down bit by bit, it helps to be open about feeling ashamed, and letting people affirm you that it is indeed okay to be vulnerable about things. Some things we don't internalize being told 1,10,100 times. It takes time and repeated exposure. It's wearing down internalized walls. It's not a matter of breaking them, there is no discrete change. It is erosion. The same is likely true for the mental block. Wearing it down and speaking about as much as you can push the limits will gradually increase the range of what is possible.> I gave up on driving license half way thru. I because depression I wager.>>35444642That sucks. Even if things go okay sometimes you get hit like that from time to time. You are struggling your way out of it, and if you feel like it happens less and less often it is progress still. Nonetheless, do you know the source?>>35445340What about the converse? Taking great pains into account to overcome hurt, in exchange for love?>>35445410is that so?>>35445742Linen is one of my fav materials in summer. It's breathing so nicely it's like being naked in public but socially acceptable to wear.
posting here 2 hold myself accountable:when dawn breaks I'll make the call to the medical imaging centre so I can get a scan for my FFSi can't keep letting my anxiety and depression get in the way of my happiness, it's a self fulfilling prophecy and i need to break the cyclemaybe I'll make a start on cleaning my garage too, i need to leave my bed and do something productive for oncei will report back before the day ends
Goodnight, /sig/>>35447049Glad you found it, Panty!>>35448022All the best anon, I am proud of you. It WILL be okay, I'm rooting for you!
>>35448038>All the best anon, I am proud of you. It WILL be okay, I'm rooting for you!thank u anon, goodnight and all the best!!
bumo*
>>35447564No money for it and going to health care one would take ages to get a visit not to mention that that I live far away from any doctor who is recommended by other trans people as being trans friendly so just hearing token things about it is a big possibilityI'm not gonna go to people that know me IRL and complain about having panic attack because my parents were arguing about getting a job or most things relating to parents and most of my public panic attacks same with going mute for half a day because I got conscious of my voice or went to sleep crying because I noticed my body and how big it is same with anything related to my trauma or anything else that sounds just as juvenile I just cant force myself to complain about being sad because someone did something minor or having a body when people talk about their problems with building a house or having big family troubles including addiction and their bother being mixed up in late teen pregnancyAlso I accidently opened group chat notification and went thru messages I haven't read just to find neolib jokes about trannies and enbies being mostly cringe and ha ha porn shemale but we name it trans so we're respectful, it wasn't really that malicious and mostly posted by one person that haven't really grown up from their edgy teen boy stage of life and second person posting it because (from my experience about confronting them) it's the humor of the latter person, no one said it's bad ofc Those people may know or at least suspect that I'm trans and I'm not going to confront them about this, I already did with the edgy one unironically using nigga and saying it's common in Poland (99% white country) or smth like that (it was long ago I don't remember exactly and I may mix people with edgy boy saying some other stupidity) They argue that they aren't racist and it's only a word without even acknowledging that it's a slur not to mention it having a historical connotations or showing how he treats see other people
I vented out my frustration over my problems and desu it felt really nice just for once not someone trying to shut me down like wow I feel good. It felt good to be heard I feel like weight just came off I feel like doing a bit of exercise
Oh, oh... I've rendered myself exceedingly weary — too much late-night reading, paired with a possibly unnecessary dose of melatonin. I'm not even certain as to the cogency of my written words here...>>35444297>+ Polish: SlayedThe utilization of the past tense "slayed" instead of the past participle "slain" suggests that the Polish itself is the one performing the slaying... (for this reason I opt for "slew" as the past tense of "slay").>>35450716>I feel like doing a bit of exerciseWell...?
>>35440705I'd suggest starting small, and finding something to do where the criteria for success is relatively easy, to build up your confidence without pushing it into delusion, and re-learning that you're capable of more than simply lying around helplessly. Something like teaching yourself a few words in a new language you won't need, or challenging yourself to relax while going on a solo-stroll through town - take in a few sights, without pushing for it to turn into something spectacular. Try to chase the mundanity of doing activities; the feeling that problems can be tackled without the need to overcompensate for time spent in helplessness. You are the best person at helping yourself; You can choose to be gentle about it, but please do choose to do it.Panty-anon has some great ideas too>>35434868>I dunno what your med situation is (I would like to know if it helped to talk about it)Thank you anon! I don't think I can say too much about it (there's a lot, and it's weirdly specific), but I've been through long periods where I couldn't breathe, walk, talk, eat, sit upright, etc. properly. It's a little dark, but I'm pressing on.
Days without smokes: 46JPN-Anki failed: 1/9>>35444444this is with my neutral voice? i don't even have a girlvoice, i hate mine.>>35447436infernal headache>>35451484The polish language maybe slaying stuff we simply don't know about.What are your thoughts on "slaid"
>>35448022okay 2 update: i phoned and they said they don't do CT imaging loli phoned their other contact but i don't speak french, so couldn't get anywherecontacted the surgeon instead, hopefully they can helpif not then i lose it and go apeshit
>>35421079:3 >>35421326you know how to show a girl a good time>>35440597thaanks. I'm doing okay, trying to manage. >>35441245try taking it one step at a time. if you're DIYing do you have the right crypto. Similarly, you can order it and have it around as a purchase. >>35445742you're always an inspiration, panty.>>35446896that's actually amazing! that hump at 16-17 must of been difficult but you really did it! congratulation>>35453316You're doing great! I hope it works out soon and good luck on your FFS journey!>>35450716sometimes a sympathetic ear is what's needed and I'm glad you were about to be heard in that way. Just being "heard" or "seen" for who you are and what you've been through can do a lot. >>35452599>Days without smokes: 46So proud of you!
>>35454153>if you're DIYing do you have the right crypto.do you need crypto? i was just going to be retarded and order it with a card
>>35454153>you're always an inspiration, pantyThanks, miu miu! Always glad to hear I’m making a positive impact on this thread. So today I’m going to do some cleaning and organizing in the apartment, and then do some drawing. Maybe also cook if I feel I have the time or energy.
>>35447564>>>35444642>That sucks. Even if things go okay sometimes you get hit like that from time to time. You are struggling your way out of it, and if you feel like it happens less and less often it is progress still. Nonetheless, do you know the source?Loneliness, jealousy, grief over lost ones, guilt over things I have done that i can never take back now, or things I never did and cant do now. Oh and did I mention how alone I am?>>>35445340>What about the converse? Taking great pains into account to overcome hurt, in exchange for love?I dont get what you mean>>>35445410>is that so?Yeah. But I think I am only doing it to feel less alone. I dont want to hurt anyone actually...hypocritical i know.
Night report------------------+ Days without smokes: 46+ JPN-Anki failed: 1/9+ Self care goals: Done+ Work: Dreadful+ ASL: 10 minutes+ ASL-Anki: 0/35 + 10+ Polish: Slaid+ Exercise: Orchard+ Voice training: 10 min+ Gardening: Planted zucchini, watered garden, a storm is coming soon- Dinner: Heavy+ Tarot: Performed readings------------------Maid points today: 10Maid points total: 286I had a really rough day, i was overstimulated and psychotic, hallucinations included. I was really having intrusing thoughts about damaging others and myself, I wanted to rip my skin appart with a knife.I'm very safe now, mind you. Came back from the orchard.>>35454153<3 you too miu
hi /sig/.apologies if i am taking up space however i'd like to ask for some specific advice.about half a year ago i started my weight loss journey and lost around 10kg, however i got hit by a heavy depression in december and still haven't been able to recover from it. i gained my weight back due to my stress eating which has been ingrained in me since i've been a child and unforunately this is not the first time this has happened. what i wanted to ask was how do you guys get through this type of thing when depression takes the wheel? also any advice on how to stop compulsively eating? im really tired of how i look, for my hair it's genuinely over (adds to the depression) so i've decided to save up money for a transplant so i'd like to at least focus on my weight for now but it's really hard to not go 2 steps back 1 step forward.
>>35447436>What are your concerns?i mean just the usual thingswhat if i get caught or mess up the injection or go bpd
>>35448100>>35448022French is my nemesis too kinda, struggling to organize finding a flat for myself because lang barrier and assholes not responding to my queries because I dare use english in my mails apparently. It's not like I am contacting individuals but agencies. Apparently assholes do not want my money?Rant aside, I am glad you are moving forward, keep us posted, we all have our cross to bear, and we can push each other forward.>>35449736<3>>35450716I am happy for you, anon. And yes, I strongly believe in having people that care listen. It's important to have some catharsis like that, to feel heard and understood.>>35451484I hope you recovered since!>>35449900yeah I paused my diet months 15-17 after I stalled for all of 14. I am still not sure if I ever actually gained in that time despite the bump, since the bump is no higher than the fluctuations during the stall and vanished together with the water weight. But that's just me splitting hairs being fascinatined by what the fuck my body is up to at times. It's lovely to see you.>>35454153Ahh, money concerns are hell. I'm sorry to hear.>or anything else that sounds just as juvenile >I just cant force myself to complain about being sad because someone did something minorThese are all very typical feelings/brainworms. You think of your issues not being important enough to be shared, other people always have it worse in your head. It's a common thing and something that needs to be stamped out categorically. Especially if you feel your pains are small you should actually feel encouraged to be open about them. You know.. while it is not universally true, many people enjoy being needed. People want to be there for others. So it is mutually beneficial to actively work against the feelings of your struggles being inadequate somehow.>I'm not going to confront them about this,yeah, no point really, I think. Is it a group chat with your friends in question or unrelated?
>>35456313>Didn't smoke>Failed slightly>Performed self-care>Join the club, but contributed to society>ASLDon't know what that means, and cannot find a definition fitting your comments>The Polish result sounds positive?>Exercise, sounds good, assuming it involves picking fruit>Spent some time on self-improvement>Do your best to protect the zucchini>Indulge yourself occasionally, just don't be excessive. Balance is key>Hopefully not for money.>Please define "orchard" for me
My roommate locked up the guns, what's the second best way to kill myself
Fucking character limit>>35451804I am sorry to hear it got this bad at times, thank you for giving me a rough idea though! It's must have been harsh. And I am so glad you persevere. I'm happy for you, and I wish you all the best! And seeing you take the time to reach out to other people in support as you power you through your own struggles is a beautiful thing. We all have our cross to bear and it's often in the nature of this thread that I ask people the most about that, but we are more than our burdens, and I am genuinely happy to spend my time with all of you.>>35453316forgot to include this post in my top reply here>>35459552>>35452599Hope it passes. Does caffeine help you with headaches?>>35455970>Loneliness, jealousy, grief over lost onesNeglected social needs are an insidious kind of starvation. What opportunities do you have to meet people, what interests of yours are conductive to hitting people up? In the end, friendships can be formed just through spending time with one another and appreciating the other's company. All it takes is clicking with someone and some pretext initially.>>35456313I'm glad you've overcome it. Some days are still rough but it is clear how you progressed overall. >>35458055Injections are largely a matter of hygiene. I would be surprised if there were no instructional videos on how to safely inject from a vial. And if you hit a vein you experience a bit of discomfort but if you ever had your shots from an incompetent nurse you know it heals reasonably.BPD concerns I get cause E makes peeps more emotional but at the same time it tends to lower aggression (anecdotal) and those effects are temporary. What is more, remember that repping is microdosing trauma and the consequences of that long term can be anything from brain damage to bpd. So it's not like repping is safe either.Have faith.
>>35446737I'm >>35435849Got up at noon today, which is eh. Showered because I was too tired to last night. Went to therapy, too. Got groceries on the way home so I can make a pot roast and baked potatoes tomorrow. Might go to the gym later tonight.>>35445742Leeks will improve any soup tenfold.>>35456313What climate zone are you in for growing, if you don't mind me asking?I'm sorry that you've been dealing with those thoughts. It's rough, I know.
>>35457347As always lemme stress you did amazing speaking up. You do not waste space, especially if you feel your issue is small feel enocuraged to post since it tends to deworm people with "worse" problems. Otherwise it would become a downward spiral of nobody posting until they lose upwards of 5 limbs.As for stress eating:first of all, you need to throw out snacks and such, and ideally make sure you usually don't have temptations at home. You are conditioned to consume something and just drinking water will feel wrong. Try initially to instead opt for beverages that have no sugar, such as tea or coffee. You can add sugar just fine, it will still be less cals per glass than a fruit juice or cola, and even a juice will likely have fewer cals than the same volume of eaten chips. Ritualize eating. Avoid eating away from a dedicated place, try to restrict to dedicated times. Drink a lot of water. Keep yourself full with it. And explore things to ground yourself. Box breathing, creative pursuits, media, venting, exercise, stimulation of all sorts can work depending on a lot of factors we can explore in detail. "Mindful eating" would be a good keyword for looking up. Keep in mind that dieting can affect emotional stability. Being hungry can make you irritable in insidious ways. Also, for depressive holes, you will have to actively fight yourself on the onset. "I should lie in bed today all day" is a flag. You will have to learn the tells of when the pit is calling and actively work against them. It is ALWAYS the "meaningless" decisions "you don't feel like they matter" that drag you in. Nobody ever thought "this will make me depressed and I will do it anyway". At worst people realize what is happening and don't feel like they have the energy to stop it. Even getting out of bed is a victory on some days. I keep reiterating that for a reason.>>35459788Killing the part that wants to die while keeping the body alive. What makes you wanna sui?
>>35459854Sounds like an overall win in its own right! I'm happy for you. Also, leeks are amazing in general and you can make a pretty nice soup out of essentially potatoes leeks and milk as a base. Comfy winter foods.
>>35459802>I would be surprised if there were no instructional videos on how to safely inject from a vial.i watched some but i'm still not sure where to do it>And if you hit a vein you experience a bit of discomfortbut what if i hit an artery
>>35459968I'm useless, worthless, nobody wants me around, I have nothing to offer the world, I can't do anything right, I'm ugly and retarded. I should have died when I was born but the abomination of modern medicine kept me alive. I just want out. I'm so fuckign worthless and nobody wants me around so why stay around?
>>35454153Yay, miu miu!
I think I've started to finally burn out. I've been doing so much and running on empty and hyper-vigilance for so long. I know the hyper-vigilance stays with you a while after escaping traumatic situations even though I feel I should be over it already. Right now I just have a base-line anxiety at all times that I feel as a twisting in my stomach. It's not as bad as before but I feel frozen but I always try to push through it to get stuff done, and even recently still I've been getting done. And as much as I push through it's taking a toll on me: I can't keep up and I'm burnt out.I decided to drop out of this semester. Still have to deal with the fallout of doing so but I think it's for the best. Once I got one break the inertia of it just collapsed upon. It was a hard decision to make but at least it was my own. I'm too exhausted. I'm going to try to rest more now. Hopefully the ssri helps with my anxiety and I'll feel like it's possible. I hope I'll be okay. >>35460871I'm back! >>35454480sorry wasn't sure who you were buying from. it's like I said you can take it one step at a time, you've got the means to buy it, and now you can make a purchase, it doesn't mean you're commiting yourself to anything. I hope you do purchase it
>>35457347I can't speak from my own experience (I do the opposite when stressed), but I have a good friend who is diagnosed with binge eating disorder.As far as I recall some of the things that have worked out the best for her is keeping stored food to a minimum (no full fridges, no full pantries), keeping what you do have out of reach, and asking others if they want to go grocery shopping with her so she doesn't end up buying junkfood on impulse - it also keeps her from blacking out and eating through everything in her grocery bag when she gets home.>>35459802>It's must have been harsh.It is, and now there's so much of it that I can't casually talk about my life without people looking scared or concerned ha ha. I hope you take good care of yourself too, anon. Helping people feels pretty good desu
>>35460078Fuck me, I guess
>>35460078>>35462366Sorry anon, I didn't think there was anything I could post that would be of actual use to you, without sounding patronising or upsetting to your ears. The best I can offer is to say that feeling like what you describe sucks. I don't know how to break you out of it, because I struggle with similar things myself.
>>35462476(forgot to mention NTA, I'm someone else)
>>35462476It's okay. I think I'm beyond help anyway.
>>35462563Maybe, maybe not - I don't want to talk down your feelings and I can't predict the future. I do hope you decide to try sticking around though. Maybe we'll both find something nice to live for, eventually.
>>35459802>What opportunities do you have to meet peoplebarely any. I dont even like interacting with discord people, it feels like I dont belong.>what interests of yours are conductive to hitting people up?None? I dont go outside unless I have to. I dunno what would I even want to start as a hobby to meet people or even how to approach people after that is said and done.Idk just kinda lost, losing people.God the ones I lost hurt the most right now.Idk how to make new friends I am sorry
>>35451484I've committed the inverse mistake, and am awake far past my desired time to retire...>>35452599>What are your thoughts on "slaid"A marked improvement. It's less visually vulgar than "slayed", and is consistent with "laid" and "paid", but fails to achieve the aforementioned avoidance of ambiguity.
>>35459694American sign language>>Hopefully not for moneyI intend to charge for the tarot down the line, as it is just another service. But I'm doing free reads on /div/ and to friends for now to get in that practice.>>35459802haven't tried actually. just drinking lost of water>>35459854southern spain, pretty sure it counts as mediterranean.i made it through the thoughts, it is the important thing.>>35463621it's as simple as setting the consensus of slew means the polish slayed someone, and slaid that i slayed the polish.
a free bump delivered to /sig/ from my neet cave
HRT question when does penis anthropy starts on average and how long does it take for it to be significant? Also how to prevent it, is getting hard every day for a minute necessary or is there less annoying way to preserve dick functionality?>>35452599>this is with my neutral voiceAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA even if this passes I understand why you may not like it though, hope you can find new voice that you will like>>35459552I have been withdrawing myself from sharing my problems and having to deal with them myself or wait for them to just "disappear" instead since mid/late elementary school and I cannot just change it now all of a sudden when I have problems going out of a bed. I was speaking about group chat with friends I was talking about before.
bump!
Night report------------------+ Days without smokes: 47+ JPN-Anki failed: 0/12+ Self care goals: Done~ Work: Weekend+ ASL: 10 minutes+ ASL-Anki: 1/45 + 10+ Polish: Slaid~ Exercise: Rest+ Voice training: 10 min~ Gardening: Rain today!!~ Dinner: Mid+ Tarot: Performed readings------------------Maid points today: 8Maid points total: 294Fairly calm day today, got myself a energy drink, didn't have to go taje of the orchard since rains incoming. I hope all grows well.>>35465666Yeah! I need to work on it harder, we are gonna make it Frem.>HRT questionIn my case it started rather fast because I was on cypro. It also devoided me of sexual instincts so that just accelerated the process. The way to prevent it is to actually exercise it, you can figure out how. That said, since I switched to spiro it got much better for me.
I fucking hate that I'm not cis, I will not pass now I'm just a monster that will have to hide until death. I cried in bed for 2-3 hours thinking how awful it is that I'm fucking trans. Even dating tgirl transbian as a hon would be nearly impossible for me I don't have anyone supportive or even someone about whom I would care about I should have just ended my life long ago instead of being a coward who can only talk about instead of just buing a bit of spicy salt or good old 10 meters of rope
Sig why is everyone horny but me?! I haven't been on cypro for 4 months now
Hi /sig/! Panty here. I just got done making that green vegetable soup. It’s a solid start, but I think the recipe needs tweaking. Maybe next time I’ll add coconut milk to make it smoother and creamier? I used my new cutting board and knife sharpener, and it definitely saved me some effort chopping up the veggies. Last night I went out for dinner with my roommate in that tunic shirt I bought, and the boots I got last December, with some black tights. I definitely felt more confident about my appearance. I still have a long way to go but this was a step forward.
>>35464132>American sign languageFuck me, if I would have turned off my internet-brain, I would have known that immediately. Forgive my retardation.>So you are going to sell people lies?Why?
>tfw never got a callback from the literal only ML job i have any qualifications to work ini probably should actually look for more workimagine wasting my life like this
>>35460069I remembered tranners mentioning butt, so I double checked, and it was the outer thigh area actually.https://www.folxhealth.com/library/hormone-self-injection-guide>but what if i hit an arteryyou're not jamming it in your neck, anon. If you go for your like in the link the worst is you're gonna bleed for a few. But in a body part this far away from anything essential you can't put yourself in serious danger. Hope that makes you feel safer!>>35460078>>35462366OP here (the one you taked to).Sorry it was getting late, and I went to bed. I usually reply within 24hrs. Spent some time to rest as well.Let's talk things out, bit by bit.>I can't do anything right, I'm ugly and retarded.tell me about the "retarded" and "can't do anything right" parts. What are your current circumstances?>I'm so fuckign worthless and nobody wants me around so why stay around?what makes you say that, what qualities do you find worthless about you? Give me specifics. You can be molded into somebody that has worth in your own eyes. And that is something you can do to nobody else. Wouldn't you like creating worthwhile things? What do you feel renders you incapable of accomplishing things?>>35461785It will be alright, let's keep an eye on it though. It is a careful balance but REST is PART of productivity 100%. We're here for you.>>35461831I won't pry then, I think you are doing great on that front. If I can help with anything or you would like some thoughts, do poke.>>35463507>it feels like I dont belong.can you articulate why?>barely any. What are your circumstances? Neeting status, education, etc. We're looking for places and means to get you among people.>. I dunno what would I even want to startI assume you are at a stage where you have little interest in anything. What *were* your interests/talents.>Idk how to make new friendsit's why you're here! You're doing great.>God the ones I lost hurt the most right now.how did you lose em?
>>35463507>None? I dont go outside unless I have toWhat the fuck do you even do when you are awake? Going outside isn't even a requirement. You must spend your time doing something.
>>35470119>But in a body part this far away from anything essential you can't put yourself in serious danger.>Hope that makes you feel safer!i can manage to fuck things up and doesn't the leg have arteries in it
>>35470119>tell me about the "retarded" and "can't do anything right" parts. What are your current circumstances?Currently I don't have a job, I left my previous place to move out of state, but that didn't work out because it's hard to find a place to love and work if you aren't physically there. I have no real skills or talents. I only have a high school education. I'm, by my own assessment, pretty stupid. But all of this is obviously tainted by my own preexisting poor self image. On top of that I'm not even attractive enough to cope with my insignificance by reproduction, or even adoption. I have very few friends that I can trust because everyone around me seems like they don't really want me around, and I just feel like I have no purpose in life. I'm floating around barely surviving with no goal for my life that seems achievable for me as I am. I'm very often frustrated by what I expect myself to be and what I actually am. I want to be this great person but it seems like im destine for mediocrity or worse. Again this is all my evaluation of myself. It just seems like other people have comparatively easier lives where they have things figured out while I'm here just a loser with no future.
>>35464132Do give it a shot sometime.>>35465387Thanks anon! >>35465666>I have been withdrawing myself [...]or wait for them to just "disappear" and it is a common but very unhealthy coping mechanism, yes. And it is hard to get rid of and a SOURCE of your misery. It will be a challenge to get rid of, but you must accept that it is a liability. >group chatso do you generally feel like you can't open up towards any of your friends?>>35467400Glad to hear it was a restful day.>>35469069Oh that genuinely sucks, how was your libido before cypro? Talked with your doc about it? I sadly have no clue about these things.>>35467434Being trans is not easy, I get that. You just want to be "normal", so to say. It is a desire that makes perfect sense but you are not to blame in all this. All we can do is make do with what we have sadly.>>35469124I really rec using a stick blender for cream soups.>>35469847You should, unfortunately. I need to apply for more apartments without getting a response since they will immediately discard me for wanting to speak english with someone for the technical details rather than french, the little rat fucks.>>35471079Yes there are but you are being too fatalistic. If you aim for subcutaneous in your upper outer thigh there really is nothing to hit unless you try to jam the needle into yourself perpendicular to your skin like you were trying to kill a vampire I don't see a risk in that spot. Your artieries are along the inner thigh or deeper inside the leg.
Off to bed for now.>>35471230> But all of this is obviously tainted by my own preexisting poor self image. yeah, no worries.>because everyone around me seems like they don't really want me aroundwhat you need on that front is work on your communication. People have a habit of "mind reading": you FEEL like they don't, but this does not express their thoughts, only you lacking affirmation.>I have no purpose in life. >I'm very often frustrated by what I expect myself to be and what I actually am.With no goals your expectations become ill-defined and vague, and that is a game you could only ever lose even if you did everything right. It's what you said, self evaluation that is skewed. >It just seems like other people have comparatively easier lives where they have things figured outtrust me.. everyone is more or less winging it ultimately. You are far from alone, circumstances make a hell of a difference. Okay so, a few things: meaning is not always found, and motivation is never found. Motivation is manufactured, contrived. It comes when you succeed at the things you try. But you can't wait for finding a thing you believe you can succeed in, your own view is skewed after all. We need to find you some concrete goals, and you would likely benefit from having a job even if it is not quite the one you are looking for only to have your existential needs covered. I understand that a lot of things I will suggest will feel pointless. But doing the things that feel pointless is literally what fixing depression often is about.
I just reached my 6 months on HRT and switched from pills to injections. However, when I was at the clinic on Thursday i weighed myself and noticed that I am basically the same weight I was when I started HRT in October, 163lbs(i'm 5'9). I thought I had lost weight because my stomach looks less doughy, but I think it may be due to redistribution. But I still want to get down to a weight that I like more. Is there any safe and effective way to do this without giving myself an eating disorder? I've been really struggling to eat anything besides like eggs, avocados, and oranges and forcing myself to eat because I'll get hunger pangs. Ideally I'd like to get to around 130ish by Sept/Oct so I can start prog at a lower weight.
Good euro-morning /sig/, here's a friendly bump. It's another wonderful day to not kill myself despite the evergrowing call of the void. We can do it!
page 8 bump to be safe
>>35469069possibly giga prostate atrophy from cyproboofing prog or using it can help, the former you need to be careful of androgenic action though
>>35475369use my prostate...?! but it's not easy when my mind isn't horny too
>>35475933doesn't have to be prostate specifically, basically just masturbate anyhowall pure conjecture on my behalf tho ^>not easy when my mind isn't hornyyea it sucks, experienced it myself w/cypro xdprogesterone helped me at the time - a study (on gerbils mind you) demonstrated it helps restore prostate homeostasistho not confirmed in humans I imagine it's the same based on my own experiences
>>35454153>You're doing great! I hope it works out soon and good luck on your FFS journey!>>35459552>I am glad you are moving forward, keep us posted, we all have our cross to bear, and we can push each other forwardty anons!contacted my surgeon and they recommended an imaging clinic, will give them a call on Mondayglad i got over my worries and contacted them, feels good to get the ball rolling againa little worried i wont have enough money in the end for it though - been unemployed for a while and depression inactivity's eaten away at my FFS fund>struggling to organize finding a flat for myself because lang barrier and assholes not responding to my queries because I dare use english in my mails apparentlythat sounds really frustrating :/ glad you're persevering regardless though!i know at least here (uk), people can be quite xenophobic and not realize somebody can be new to the language, like they assume if "foreigners" aren't immediately fluent then they've no intent in learning the language or "assimilating" culturallyare you living in France at the moment? i've heard its a lot easier to learn a language if you're immersed in it
>>35473808adorable axolotl, also BUMP
>>35471479>If you aim for subcutaneous in your upper outer thigh there really is nothing to hit unless you try to jam the needle into yourself perpendicular to your skini thought it was intramuscular, where you do stick it in perpendicular to your skin
shit day, but didn't smoke.
/sig/ is getting to pg 8 again so I might as well ask something:For anyone with "regular" non-gendered body dysorphia (either on its own or coupled with gender issues) that was triggered by specific events in your life, how do you stop yourself from thinking about the past all the time?I feel disgusting 24/7, and a lot of it is tied some sexually charged bullying and stalking I went through as a young teen (when people started noticing I wasnt straight). I can't go a single day without thinking about being cornered, or touched, or told gross shit about "only being good for prison rape".Any tips?
I really tried to keep it together today /sig/, but I got to the end of my rope. I was about to do my weekly HRT injection, but I was out of alcohol swabs. I went to the store and bought a big box. I filled my needle with medicine, pressed it to my skin… and choked and just pricked myself. There was one more clean needle for injecting myself with, but I put it next to the used needle and threw both of them away. But that was just the final straw. The soup I made yesterday… isn’t great. I ended up blending it with some coconut milk and water, and that helps, but I hate buying a bunch of groceries to cook with and not loving the result. I understand there’s some risk in trying new recipes, but just the same. And the drawing! I missed the drawing deadlines I set for myself two weeks in a row. I’m now noticing how little time I actually have to draw, how much time chores take up. I’m basically trying to start a small business and I’m worried that it needs more time than I can bring to it. I’m sharing this with you all because I know, even now, that these are survivable, overcome-able problems, however big and scary they feel to me right now.
I don't understand why I'm so bad at learning information that can help me get a job, whilst easily absorbing information that's largely useless.
>>35481482I know it’s common for autistic and ADHD people to have an easier time learning about things that interest them and a harder time learning things that do not interest them. It’s a challenge that I struggled with myself. It frustrated my parents that they could tell I was smart but I didn’t always get good grades. I was always told, “If you can do that, why can’t you do this?” I get that it’s frustrating, but don’t beat yourself up. That you have this problem doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. What you should do is move past the guilt and the blame and trying out new study strategies. Not everything you learn is going to come easy, and that’s okay.
I slept until the late afternoon, and laundry took me until 1am. Goodness.>>35472083First of all, congrats! >I think it may be due to redistribution.bingo, it goes to your hips, chest and such.And yes, there is! If you like the results I achieved in >>35446896 (lb values on the right) then you might like to hear that 90% of that was 0 exercise and about (for your BMI range) 500kcal of deficit, which is equivalent to 1lb per week. Include one cheat day to keep your body from going into panic mode where you eat 0 deficit or a light surplus. The rule of thumb is that 500kcal per week are 500g of fat, which is 1lb. >I've been really struggling to eat anything besides like eggs, avocados, and orangeshow come? Guilt, or emotional discomfort? In the diet above I ate literally anything I wanted, even occasional junk food, just measured to the level I was allowed to eat. I also cook for myself frequently. >>35473808>>35475328Times are hard, but we are all gonna make it. Thank you anons.>>35476391>a little worried i wont have enough money in the end for it though - been unemployed for a while and depression inactivity's eaten away at my FFS fundall the best on that front, anon! I wish you well.As for me, yeah I am a postdoc in france, so if these people had any sense... but eh. I'll see. It just makes me not exactly want to engage with these people, either.>>35477637Yes, both styles work but in the IM case you don't just jam it in any old place either ofc. I suggested you SC (45°) for now to minimize your fears. You can also ask hrtgen for reassurance since I myself am not an expert on these things but I will gladly provide you as much assurance as I can.>>35478343I'm proud of you, Junko. I hope you know.
>>35480476You're overwhelmed, friend. Did you take a break? Had some rest? Fear of needles is hard to overcome, especially in the beginning. I have a stupid suggestion on that front: in principle you could train a little with a syringe filled with saline solution, not necessarily injecting it but getting used to the motions. Ofc that would waste a needle each time, but iirc they come in packs of 20-100 right? You could also try to have a couple "dry runs" so to say with no needle, just getting accustomed to the motions. In the end you need to wear down your mental defenses there. if it is the pain, you might wanna look into ways to numb the injection site, a quick search already gave interesting results. And boy do I know the feeling of a recipe letting you down. You have my sympathy. All the other things on top.. no wonder you are distraught. But, even if my reply is a little late: things ARE gonna be alright. I hope you took plenty of rest, practiced some self care, and get to look at things with a fresh pair of eyes later.>>35481482To add to panty's suggestion: what have you tried, what is the subject?>>35479475The only thing I was bullied for was "looking like a girl" because of my long hair (still have it because it just shaped me into a contrarian) and what these people told you is absolutely disgusting. Did you ever have positive experiences or are you too afraid to let people see you intimately to make them?
>>35482566>how come? Guilt, or emotional discomfort? In the diet above I ate literally anything I wanted, even occasional junk food, just measured to the level I was allowed to eat. I also cook for myself frequently. I really struggle to eat. I often can only stomach those foods without feeling sick afterwards. I'm trying to figure out the reason why, but basically I subsist off those mostly. I like salads and things that are a bit more filling like potatoes, but my appetite is just so low. I'm forcing myself to eat more often than I'd like. Thanks for the chart though! Really impressive progress and I would definitely like something similar for the next 6 months as I approach getting to progesterone. I'll just start looking at my calories and try to figure out how to eat normally, and hopefully in two months, I'll be 8-10lbs lighter and I can report back :)
>>35471479>SOURCE of your miseryNo, it's the answer to it made by teenager me. I'm skilled and lucky enough to deal with most thinkgs by myself or meet someone who helps me on their own. I may be 23 and unable to talk about my problems but I can do so about my emotions so it's better than average man here (at least I think so).>so do you generally feel like you can't open up towards any of your friends?I can't or don't want to do so about being trans, my childhood traumas and problems, being single and how bad my mental health is. They know I went to some psych doc maybe that I'm medicated but I'm not sure of that and suspect that I don't gender myself as male or I think so because of my paranoia, I'm not sure now.>All we can do is make do with what we have sadlyI got small box cutter today for whatever use. I may bring it with me to the shower and see if that will help me at this point and maybe I'll make a mistake and become a girl in hell :3 Now that I think about it I should shower long ago like a week ago or so. Honestly it's strange that I don't stink a lot and just have oily hair without showering often enough :/
>>35482771It’s okay that your reply was a little late! Thanks for taking the time to respond. I did what I could to relax while I waited for a reply, and I feel better now. I realize now I was making the drawing situation worse by worrying about it. Keeping that in the back of my mind all the time was keeping me from being able to relax. This whole art project has been a learning experience, but I think working through these challenges will be good for me in the long run. My roommate offered to help me figure out the art situation next week. I’m also seeing my therapist on Tuesday and I can discuss this with him.I appreciate the advice on injections. I’m going to try some of that. And yeah, the cooking thing isn’t the end of the world. It’ll be okay. It was me worrying about drawing that was making anything else that was bothering me more upsetting, and I’m going to look for solutions to that problem in the coming week.
>>35482566>Yes, both styles work but in the IM case you don't just jam it in any old place either ofc.i think you go for the same sites in either case?injections are scary lmao
>>35482771>The only thing I was bullied for was "looking like a girl" because of my long hair (still have it because it just shaped me into a contrarian)Based, I'm glad you kept it anon. Long hair can be beautiful.For me I was bullied about my gender too, but... It was more in a "we can't tell what you are"-kind of way? I remember being cornered one time and asked in a patronizing faux-friendly tone whether I thought I was a boy or a girl, followed by the usual questions about whether or not I thought queer people deserved to live.A lot of it wasn't as gendered, however, and had more to do with them asking me if I thought ugly people (me) had any purpose beyond rape, whether or not I thought ugly people should be banned from procreation, whether or not ugly people should be allowed in public spaces, etc.>Did you ever have positive experiences or are you too afraid to let people see you intimately to make them?Mostly the latter. All of my 100% positive experiences on that front happened as a child, before I knew what it was like to be groped and harassed.I've kissed a lot of people, and I've been very close to hooking up, but everytime I do I either dissociate, freeze, or run away. I've never been in a relationship because I'm too disgusted with myself. Whenever I encounter people who want to make out with me I get a 'fawn'-reaction, however, and end up letting them do whatever they want, even if I don't actually feel like kissing pushy shop owners or old drunk homeless people on the train.
>>35486012forgot to add: The guys who bullied me would also, occassionally, make out with each other in front of me to "test me" (obviously there was no way to win; if I acted disgusted I was 'homophobic', and if I looked away I was gay)It's lead to me having a bit of a strange panic-like reaction to seeing my same-sex coupled friends casually kiss next to me irl, that I always have to surpress. Sometimes the sound alone is enough to scare me.
Days without smokes: 49JPN-Anki failed: 0/7Healing edition. Breakup struck me. It had to happen, it was best for both of us. We are on good terms. I deeply love her. I don't regularly cry because of my conditioning, but yesterday was the exception.I decided not to add maidpoints since it's was a goblin day, still I self cared and did my studies. Storm was still ongoing so I couldn't see my garden yet, I'll be visiting it later to see if everything is ok.Now replying to stuffs>>35469069>cyproyou answered yourself anon>>35469124I don't really reply to much often, but I love following your cooking adventures. I'll be moving out soon and I'm going to need to work hard on it.You are doing great!>>35469478>internet-brainI hope you are ok anon, not to assume, but please try going out for a walk and taking breaks from the computer if you don't. Also remember to stay hydrated. Doesn't help with this, but it's just good for you.>selling liesWell, I used to be very anti-tarot and most of pseudoscience. Just saw it as readers taking advantage of people in tough situations. Plus. I've been a straight edge science type of creature. That said, even while I'm still like that, being in touch with that spiritual side of me has made me feel a lot more complete as a being. I'm not saying humans *need* to believe in something, but I'd argue they can take things away from such things to improve their lives.Is it "real"? no. Is it real? yes.Honestly most of my reads have been quite on point, but the ones i perform for myself, and those i do for others. I've got my ethics too. I won't read things about death at all, and I barely do love related.But even then I get your aversion to it. Just wish you were nicer about it.I'd argue the church is way more greedy, prying and destructive that just someone reading tarot.>>35471479>>35482566<3
>>35486561jumko is cool !!!
Page 8 bump! >>35486561>Days without smokes: 49Good job!! One more day and it's 50!
>>35486561>I don't really reply to much often, but I love following your cooking adventures. I'll be moving out soon and I'm going to need to work hard on it.You are doing great! Thanks, I appreciate the reminder that you’re enjoying my posts. Good luck on your move! I know that I’ve had to cook more often since I stopped living with my parents. Taking on that responsibility is an adjustment, but it’s worth it. Cooking your own meals can save you money (raw ingredients often cost less than pre-made meals) and improve your physical and mental health. And remember, it’s okay to take shortcuts! I buy pre-chopped ingredients sometimes. I cook big batches of food because as much as I love cooking, I don’t have it in me to cook every time I need to eat.And it’s okay to be intimidated. I had to figure most of this stuff out for myself. It was a gradual process, and I made mistakes along the way. But the more you do it, the more you learn, the easier it will become. Oh, and don’t hesitate to search online about anything cooking related you want to know. There are lots of helpful tutorials and videos out there.
>>35482566>all the best on that front, anon! I wish you well.ty anon!just spoke with the recommended clinic - it seems the price is €330 for a facial and laryngeal scan together, which is surprising since here they're considered separate scans (I was quoted £850-£1000 here)hopefully that's correct - the language barrier is so difficult, i feel awful butchering google translated french xddddthankfully my passport is still valid, now I just need to book via. Doctolib and organize for travel (eurotunnel woo)>As for me, yeah I am a postdoc in france, so if these people had any sense... but eh. I'll see.oh neat! in what study if I might ask? and belated congratulations on completing your PHD (:and yes, the ignorance and dissonance in their treatment of you sounds incredibly frustrating and annoying>It just makes me not exactly want to engage with these people, either.completely understandable, adversity really adds to the mental load when you're in a stressful situationi'm guessing you've only recently moved to France? that'll really add to the load if so
bumo
Page nine
Night report------------------+ Days without smokes: 49+ JPN-Anki failed: 0/7+ Self care goals: Done+ Work: Girlslayed- ASL: None+ ASL-Anki: 0/25 + 10+ Polish: Slaid+ Exercise: Walk- Voice training: None+ Gardening: Checked the orchard, one of the pots didn't have any holes and with the storm it got sobrehydrated, mint is looking pale, i need to fix it tomorrow+ Dinner: None~ Tarot: Self reading------------------Maid points today: 7Maid points total: 301Doing like shit today. Situation at home shit. Overwhelmed with anything, I just want to cry. Day started good.Can't find it in me to get the energy to do shit. How I haven't offed myself yet, is a mistery. My brain aches like it was melting and dripping out of my ears.>>35486586take care anon, you are loved.>>35487992thank you!!!!!! thanks for the bump!you too are doing great for having kept fighting.>>35488043<3 keep it up! I'll do my best and probably add a proper meal counter to the maid points.
I fucking hate this image, I hate my life, my family and how I have grown up. I should just have research hrt when I was 16 and start diy by then and life as a homeless tranny sexworker or hope for something better but as a someone who doesn't hate every part of their body and see themself as a monster trying to act out some sick fantasy in the social game named life.
The place I normally have lunch at is closed the entire week. This is gonna be fun, probs gonna have to get food from off campus for the week then. Not gonna turn OMAD into NOMAD, and the meal options that were left today I am not gonna bother with tomorrow.>>35482945Ohh, I see. So you have safe foods so to say, yeah it sounds like some ED-adjacent strings are pulling on you, it can be super insidious. Even stuff like OMAD makes me a little too eager at times not to eat and I have zero history of disordered eating to the best of my knowledge. If your stomach has a low capacity some gentle stretching where you keep your stomach just barely comfortably full for extended periods may help. In the end it is how people end up gaining weight in the first place in my experience. I do recommend keeping track of it in regular intervals, you can tell how noisy the data of a single weigh-in actually is, and it might help to involve a doc if you find it esp difficult to eat. We have some resources on overcoming eating struggles, too. All the best.>>35483437As viable as it likely was at the time, which I do not wish to deny, it is likely unsustainable for the future, I urge you to trust me on this. It's an incredibly common hindrance in situations like yours, no matter the original context in which these behaviors developed; remember, everyone has a reason for the things they do, even the unhealthy things had a reason once.self harm will NOT help you in a way that matters, Frem. I can only do so much to stop you but the solutions to several of your problems WILL BY NATURE be the things you are reluctant to try, not the self evidently self destructive things you gravitate towards. >I can't or don't want to do so about being trans, my childhood traumas and problems, being single and how bad my mental health is. can you accept that to be a problem?
>>35483489Always a pleasure. I think you are looking at it from a good angle.>>35484325They are, but the point is I can assure you that your fears can all be mitigated. SC afaict has the same sites as IM but given the angle difference and the locations of both the site I recommended and the anatomical location of the relevant arteries (I did a bit of research for you) I concluded in my unprofessional opinion that affirmation and emotional support is more important in your case than risk mitigation, but risk mitigation by preparing well and training a little will help you. You will be ok, I promise. Even if you bleed once or twice it does not mean you hit an artery.>>35486012>>35486047Awh.. my gf loves my hair too, funnily enough. >ugly people (me) had any purpose beyond rape>make out with each other in front of me to "test me"What the fuck is WRONG with these people?That aside though... I think you could use emotionally intimate, healthy experiences with established boundaries. I am not talking sex or an immediate romantic relationship. I think a close friendship where you feel safe being emotionally open and appreciated would do you well. You would risk falling for close friends in your current state, and it is not necessarily unhealthy, but it will be a can of worms.. we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Do not worry. But you need external affirmation on one end and reinforcement of positivity on the other. Self worth from within and without. Are there things that generally give you confidence?>>35486561>>35490923Rest well Junko. Tomorrow is another day for both of us.>>35488093fingers crossed, anon! Do keep us posted, I wish you well. And thank you, I'm a physicist essentially but can't get into details without doxxing myself, sadly. Yeah, I moved a bit ago and am currently in a temporary thing for visiting researchers, it's a mess, but it will all work out in time.
This needle thing is seriously testing me. Like, rationally, I know that I can get more needles soon, and I’ve still got some HRT pills I can take in the meantime. But emotionally, I’m fed up with this shit. Too many things went wrong too close together.
>>35492531you know adrenaline is a painkiller? If you are pissed off enough you won't feel the needle!Swings and roundabouts.
>>35492531Be strong!!! It's really a mental game psyching yourself up. I recently started injections and am doing intramuscular on my thigh and it really barely feels like anything beyond a little pinch from initially going in
bunp 10 oCo
>>35460008I ended up getting a crick in my neck so I stayed home for a few days. Made brown sugar salmon with a harissa/honey aioli, rice, and roasted bell peppers tonight.I have therapy and class tomorrow. Hope I'll have the time to go to the gym before class, too. Planning on hiking again on Sunday. Gonna read tonight, too.
Ah the old self improvement cope
>>35492554>>35492573Hey, thanks for the support, anons. I don’t think my issue with injections is the pain. The actual injections hurt less than hesitating and just pricking myself. I think I’m just scared of the sight of driving a needle into my skin. But yeah, I just need to deal with it. Jitters aside, I think it’s the best way for me to take estrogen. My roommate suggested I make drawing my top priority so I don’t spend my day putting it off and doing other things, and I believe that’s good advice. I figured out that the cheapest thing to make to replace the soup that didn’t turn out good would be fried rice, so I’m going to pick up what I need to make that next time I’m out. I’m hanging in there, and waiting out the darkness.
>>35434824it's stupid but, i bought my gf food instead of buying a cute box cutter like I wanted to and i think that's better c:
>>35497027aw! that IS so much better! not stupid at all, way cute anon!
It scares me just how much of an NPC I am, how I'm driven by short-term pleasure. I'll fap, feel ashamed, and immediately fap afterwards. I'll want to change something about my life style, or learn something new, and just not do it. I'm trying to improve but I was depressed for a long time and am not used to this elevated level of autonomy I feel. I hate how much of a dopamine-driven zombie I have become, living in daydreams and mindless scrolling. I don't even feel human but I will change.
Days without smokes: 50JPN-Anki failed: 1/6
>>35498510>It scares me just how much of an NPC I amCan you think a sentence in your head without saying it? Because that’s what the NPC meme was originally about — lacking an internal monologue. A study found that a certain amount of people don’t do that. A similar study came along later which showed that some people are better at visualizing images in their mind than others, and again, a certain amount of people can’t do that at all. You mentioned daydreaming, and that sounds pretty unlike an NPC. And anyway, the NPC meme isn’t really meant for putting yourself down. It’s for writing off a consensus of fact or opinion that you don’t like as the work of lesser minds, something that can’t possibly be as legitimate or insightful as your own personal views.That aside, you’re talking about feeling stuck — your desire to work on long-term goals is being undermined by your complacence. I wanted to start by poking some holes in your self-description as an NPC, because I don’t think that’s helping you — criticizing your own behavior by giving yourself a label that tells you that you can never change or improve. Because the point of calling someone an NPC usually is to tell that person that they don’t matter and never will, in a way that can’t be changed. The way we talk to ourselves can affect our attitude, so it’s worthwhile to look carefully at our choice of words.Another thing to consider is that while you might ultimately want more out of life, as you said you’re still getting used to the level of autonomy you now have. Anyway, I think that’s all I’ve got. I hope this helps.
>>35434824Which one of you dumb trannies want to have a hot makeout session in the designated dark transbian closet?
>>35492360injection scary tho
>>35500419get in the closet you transbian
>>35500450idk if i'm even a transbian
Work today is boringWoke up early and Messaged my therapist, hopefully we get to agree on a date.Feeling lonely these days….it seems I can’t make myself make friends, talk to new people, stop being so shy that I can’t even post my opinion on a discord serverAt least it seems I’m less willing to waste my time with games I don’t care about or stuff that aren’t useful.I need to socialise, improve my self care, exercise and hopefully get into a more active hobby.Yeah work today is hella boring
>>35491923>I do recommend keeping track of it in regular intervals, you can tell how noisy the data of a single weigh-in actually is, and it might help to involve a doc if you find it esp difficult to eat. We have some resources on overcoming eating struggles, tooYeah I've been talking to my therapist about it, but maybe an actual doctor would be good. I think maybe i just need to eat foods that my body actually likes and then kind of stick to that. OMAD is hard for me because getting up early and having to wait to eat til 2ish is really long. Idk, just not trying to get an ED here even if i have that brainworm.
>>35500744you'll be one soon after I am done with you
>>35492360>Awh.. my gf loves my hair too, funnily enough.aw cute - and lucky! it feels so calming when someone close to you plays with your hair>What the fuck is WRONG with these people?Who knows, really, but certainly something. As far as I've heard at least one of them ended up in prison for major tax fraud and other criminal activities>Are there things that generally give you confidence?I guess part of my issue is that I have a lot of confidence, it's just that my confidence have absolutely no self worth to rest on. While I may be perfectly capable of being proactive in life, the way I do it is with a high level of reckless abandon, since I don't actually care all that much about what happens to me because my mind tells me I'm ugly, disgusting, etc.I have close friendships but... It so hard not to run away. And when I'm not running away I feel like I have to "pay" them with sexual favors*, which in turn makes me feel even more disgusted with myself for having those automated thoughts. (*note: I've never actually acted on this feeling. But it's very present at times, and it makes being a normal reliable friend hard.)I'd really like to reach a point where I can sit in a room with a friend, just two people talking, without feeling like an insufficient ugly broken sex doll. I dont even need to feel beautiful, I think, I just need to feel like being ugly doesnt mean I should rope to spare the eyes of strangers and friends from seeing me.
>>35500351Thank you anon
>>35434824Bump
Night report------------------+ Days without smokes: 50+ JPN-Anki failed: 1/6+ Self care goals: Done+ Work: Slow+ ASL: 10 minutes+ ASL-Anki: 0/33 + 10+ Polish: Slaid+ Exercise: Orchard+ Voice training: 10 minutes+ Gardening: Checked the orchard, watered the plants, one of the two mints was doing really bad because i didn't notice it's pot didn't have holes, I changed its soil and added holes via the ancient tactic of beating a hammer into a scredriver (+ for DIY)- Dinner: Heavy+ Tarot: Readings performed------------------Maid points today: 11Maid points total: 312
>>35504792>Days without smokes: 50sorry I was too lazy to pick up my apple pencil, this is silly, here you go
I have to write my biografy in relationship to being trans and I haven't started yet but maybe I'll do so tomorrow and just try to remind myself of how it looked like today too... Good that I still have ~48 hours and have to only sleep 3 times in that time Also I'm nearly out of Mizuki pics and I would have to get back to manga to get some nice panels of her and I haven't read a single chapter of any manga in months :C>>35491923I don't want to open up to anybody I know, I either don't trust them, know they aren't empathetic or they don't care about me enough for it to be much more than just venting. I don't want to meet or talk with anyone I know irl. Good that I was a loner my entire life and can survive now with just texting few internet people. As for self destruction, honestly I just don't care I haven't got bandages but I have some stretchy material in similar size so it should be good enough for razor scratches for now with it's first try after shower :>>can you accept that to be a problem?If you mean it's a problem on their side than idk I would just say that it's their character, I could have gone to music technician school instead of (very shitty) IT one if I wanted to meet new people instead of staying with my old groups of people I know.If you mean it's a problem on my side than yeah being emotionally unhealthy is included with my parents/family :3
>>35494619>oCois this an abstract owo? So rare it's foil if it is.>>35495202Ah that sucks, had that last year for a week or so. Food sounds lovely though!Hope therapy went well. Whatcha reading?>>35495526improovanon, that you? I haven't seen you around on matrix in a while, have you been ok?>>35495787All the best panty. Whatcha gonna put in the fried rice?Your roomie is right that you should at least have a time window. Having a "when do I start" and "is a small milestone in sight" is far more important than "when is the final thing done as a whole".>>35497027That is a lot better. Care and self care will make you feel better in ways sh won't.>>35500404KEK. Not a tranner but what can we do for you on the self improvement front?>>35500419They are. And that is okay. What have you tried so far on that front? Remember that other people are facing similar struggles too, maybe ask Panty about particularities how she handles things? Maybe it helps?>>35501340A good start, anon. Tell me about your thought processes. >.it seems I can’t make myself make friends, talk to new people, it's difficult because what each person is willing to engage with is individual but you must strictly erase all thought patterns in your head that end with "I am a bad person". To explain.Suppose you stepped on someones toes in conversation. It is easily mended and won't be remembered by them. The self conscious among us will remember having done it for years and obsess over what "they are for" ultimately having made a mistake. Same with boundaries. Boundaries are constant renegotiation. You are not psychic and that is okay.And finally, practical advice: look at your post! You exposed thoughts and feelings, your day to day, you opened up about your inner workings! Have you not? Think: why does this work but 1v1 is hard. Explore that question.
My diet is too efficient, I added an extra meal to slow down the rate a little. 1kg/week is excessive given I am already normal weight and only wanna lose 3 more kg.>>35501366You won't need OMAD for now, don't worry. 95% of my time was not OMAD, just a 1500kcal flat diet, with a +-200kcal margin of error. Any time of day, any food. >Idk, just not trying to get an ED here even if i have that brainworm.And I am happy you are being careful! It's good you are.>>35503341It is difficult since what you describe is definitely within the realm of trauma, which is difficult to overcome. We are not rational automata. There is a scared animal in each of us. Having a pro pick away at it may help. We have some things on the subject too in the resources. it is already very good you have the oversight to recognize your brain worms. Yes it is hard not to run away. You associate vulnerability with being preyed upon. But.. what you need on that front is exposure. Sadly. Your psyche will project a predator onto everyone too close. This needs overcoming. Because of course it makes you crave intimacy to the point you seek out actually dangerous people giving it out at a cost. You know all this, of course. I am simply saying that you are clearly making an effort to get better, and I see that. You are NOT broken, and not a toy. You are a thinking, feeling person. Can we leverage your confidence against your brainworms? Distract you from the scary parts of human connection by having you bond over a shared passion?>>35504742Aggretsuko is in its own way pretty /sig/ a show, though I remember later seasons to be more fantastical/outlandish. Bonus points for Modeuscore image.>>35504792Did I ever tell you I made a small tarot bash script once?
Goodnight for now.>>35506331> I either don't trust them, know they aren't empathetic or they don't care about me enough for it to be much more than just venting.so you lack a support network in that sense.I know you don't care about sh and don't feel like you or the consequences matter in the here and now. The carrot on the stick I have for you is that ultimately, I think you just would like to have as normal and enjoyable a life as possible. And I mean it is a problem that you have nobody to open up to. I understand your reservations, and discounting the people you feel you cannot trust I 100% get that openness is hard, and your opportunities are limited. Do you feel there is someone you could trust/get closer to but are just inhibited to? Why do you distrust the people you don't? Let's discount for now the people who seem not empathetic and have not the mental energy to engage with feels.
>>35506531Therapy went pretty well. We talked about my sorta avoidant traits. I get really scared interacting with my bf's friends. I feel like I'm bothering them. I've gotta start implementing DBT skills to actually force myself to talk and engage.I'm reading the Long Discourses of the Buddha.
Bump. I continue to succeed in my daily regimens of diet, exercise, and housekeeping. I've been modifying my greenhouse so as to prevent future immolation of contained specimens.In unrelated news: I have discovered that I despise the cloying odor and flavour of white clover pseudanthia.
Days without smokes: 50JPN-Anki failed: 0/8>>35506144thank you!!!!!!>>35507110i think you mentioned something about it, i was thinking about doing something similar, just not exactly tarot.>>35509926You too, are a maidmaxxer, theta.
>>35506531>KEK. Not a tranner but what can we do for you on the self improvement front?you can makeout with me and start e. that will self improve your front.
>>35511572sorry anon, already tried to gaslight OP into taking estrogen too. no luck.
>>35512054Ok fine. You makeout with me instead.
>>35434843I've actually been struggling with all-or-nothing thinking for as long as i can remember, i think im a perfectionist and whatever i say or do i spend a lot of time just thinking about and it really puts a accumulative strain on me both on my work and myself mentally, idk what to do about it.Any tips?
Taking care of yourself is hard. But it feels so great to go from a rotten corpse to a human being just with some basic hygiene and self-care.Slowly healing. I have so much road ahead, I am terrified of even trying sometimes, but well here I am bruised from all the falls still crawling.Work is gonna be sticky today, hopefully I dont make mistakes again.
Why self-improve if I'm a fag, I don't want to make a fag's life better. The chances of a cure being found in our lifetimes is slim to say the least, isn't it. I hate this gay world.
>>35512822For starters I'd say look into ADHD, autism, OCD, and Borderline if you haven't already; rumination and being all-or-nothing is a common trait found in those diagnoses, I have ADHD myself and struggle a lot with it. I think my best tip is to remind yourself that others won't remember your failures and your successes as much as you will. Most people are busy living their own lives, so unless something really REALLY inconveniences them, or really really helps them a lot, they'll usually forget after a while. How many of your friend's social missteps do you remember? Probably not a lot. Try to apply the knowledge of that to yourself.>>35509926>I have discovered that I despise the cloying odor and flavour of white clover pseudanthia.Oh no, garden-tripfag...>>35512862You can do it anon!
>>35510959Here's to 100!!>>35507110>Having a pro pick away at it may help.Yeah I think I will try that again if I manage to get my life stabilized and finances back to normal at some point>It is difficult since what you describe is definitely within the realm of traumaThank you for saying that. It honestly helps a little to hear that someone else thought it was fucked up too. I had a therapist in the past, as a slightly older teen, who dismissed it being trauma on the grounds of me not being a war veteran, so I always feel silly calling it that myself kek>Can we leverage your confidence against your brainworms? Distract you from the scary parts of human connection by having you bond over a shared passion?I think I'll try to think of ways to do this. I'm not quite sure how to go about it right now, but maybe I'll figure something out. Thank you so much for the advice anon! I hope your days are great and plentiful
captcha: TGVM00does that mean I'll meet a cowmoder on a train or something
Night report------------------+ Days without smokes: 51+ JPN-Anki failed: 0/8+ Self care goals: Done+ Work: Slow, Tiring+ ASL: 10 minutes+ ASL-Anki: 0/36 + 10+ Polish: Slaid- Exercise: Too tired+ Voice training: 10 minutes+ Gardening: Checked the orchard, watered the plants, mint happy, plants happy, junko happy.- Dinner: Heavy+ Tarot: Readings performed------------------Maid points today: 8Maid points total: 320I'm sleeping 10 hours a day now, this is unsustainable>>35513587<3 thank you
>>35517088Hey you dummy. I'm going to makeout with you in the transbian closet.
i wish i could make out in the closet and have her do my injection and cuddle
>>35517448hey you come in the closet with me and kiss me.
So I got a decent amount of drawing done yesterday. I went to the grocery store and got what I needed to make fried rice. I woke up today furious at the idea that I needed to draw, and spent the day in a funk. It’s so weird to me how suddenly and easily this thing I was doing for fun and really enjoying has begun to feel like a miserable obligation. My roommate and I talked about how this is a neurodivergent trait — feeling like you have to do something making you not want to do it. I don’t want to give up on this project. I want to find away around this, or through it. I know where to look for answers on that front, and I’m researching it, but recommendations are welcome. This clearly isn’t something I can get through by sheer willpower. I need a more sophisticated approach than “just making myself do it.” Anyway, that’s where I’m at.
Post theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4L55AihnUAHeya. Me again. Still silently here, still sober. 121 days. Four months +1 day. I've been sober longer than I've ever been since turning 21I have a girlfriend. I'll be getting my license back in a few months. I got an extension at work so I wont need to find a job until September, maybe November if I'm luckyI'm really sad. I miss my old friends. Although they kicked me out for being trans, alongside my alcoholism. I miss my ex. Not for romance, but because she and I were so alike. I think we could have been great friends if it wasn't for my drinking. I'm so unmotivated. I don't feel like making music. Video Games aren't as fun as they used to be. At the risk of being TMI, my sex drive is at an all time lowI just wanna reach out to everyone from my past and show them I'm different. Changed. I wasted my second and third chances. I abused my luck and pushed it until I had none. My life was perfect before and I was too drunk to see it.I don't know what my future has in store for me. I've suffered complete ego death and I feel like I spawned into this world as a 20-something year old trans woman who doesn't even have the motivation to get her surgeries even though she has insuranceI've lost it all, I'm starting from the beginning. Every day is a struggleI think about suicide more and more. I was so happy before. I had friends. I had a perfect girlfriend. I had a nice car and healthy income.Now? I just sit at home all day, waiting for the next rave because that's the only thing I look forward to nowadays. I'm really happy I still thoroughly enjoy raves like I used to, but I'm not surrounded by the people I used to consider closer than familyNow I'm just "that cool trans girl" who everyone knows, but no one GETS to know. I just leave when I start getting too comfortable. I don't have any close friends anymore. Just distant satellites of socialization.My life is so hollow. I hope things get better.
>>35519334sounds like me but like I would totally have hot transbian sex with you with that song playing in the background.
>>35507526>someone you could trustProbably but I don't know them>Why do you distrust the people you don't [trust]Because I don't know them? Idk if they are phobes or dick or idiots? It would be strange to just vent to a stranger for no reason? especially irl?I just wish I could be normal instead of getting estradiol from grey market, having to visit psych docs for half a year to just get visit with endo for HRT, looking like a monster and never being a joyful kid for more than few moments. I hate my life and honestly I'm thinking now about having another try cutting today, this time without being under shower and being able to check if the blade I used wasn't razor sharp. Idk how I'll write my biography tomorrow, I should write at least a bit of it today but I don't care and don't want to do this. Only good thing about it is that it most likely will be my last visit before endo but having to do all this isn't normal, maybe I should just hide somewhere with my phone switched off and never come out of my room again or get the rope in 7 hours when the shops will open im just a unloveable piece of shit that can only vine and vine about nothing i hate it i hate it all i should just go to ukrain as a volountery humiliatan help guy and get killed by a bomb or raped by someone
Worrying about money and housing again, and ran out of weed at the same time :T Honestly just hope I can sleep, that's the one thing I ask for, the ability to sleep and not be kept up by anxious thoughts. I miss life ten years ago, when things were affordable. Scared of how much worse the future is going to be. Wish there was another way out.>>35519334Definitely been there too.. Well, still am, but it's all so far in the rearview that I'm more at peace with the past being over. Sometimes I hate the passage of time, and the way the impending future looms closer. Other times it feels like a mercy, that days still go by and get us further from things. I think it's easier to let it go, when you've improved as a person. Glad you still enjoy raves tho, important to have somewhere to shut off the introspection and all, connect to something external.
>>35508490Happy to hear, anon! >I feel like I'm bothering themYou wanna do right by them, I guess. Here is a cope that may help: Instead of: "I am reaching out =>I am being a bother", try "I am reaching out => I am making my loved ones feel needed and actively have them participate in my life".>I'm reading the Long Discourses of the Buddha.Oh nice, I actually know very little of buddhism even though I have a couple friends into it.How is it?>>35509926Oh damn, I never tried any kind of clover, all I knew was that a genus of them was rich in oxalic acid, but looking it up it's supposed to be.. vanilla-y?>>35510959If you do I am curious how you will go about it! My version is a dumbass bash script conjuring from /dev/urandom >>35512054>>35512632jeez all of you>>35512822Well, the first step is to learn to actively catch yourself when it happens. Try to, as an exercise, actively seek out thoughts where you go all or nothing, and try to pick them apart. If you feel like you can't, you can collect them and share them in the abstract with us. But.. they are often a house of cards: If you critically re-evaluate them they immediately fall apart.Example: "If I don't finish this entire two-year project TODAY I am a failure."Runtime error: Bullshit. "I have successfully worked towards <thing> and <thing> today, which is a concrete step towards completing the project."In general: notice when you try and chase undefined and vague goals that are too big in scope to fit in a defined time frame. When a big thing is overwhelming, actively discourage thinking of it as such. Do not think of the mile you need to walk this year. Think of the N steps you can take today.>>35512862You are doing great, angel. Keep going. You are walking the walk now.>>35513310What is it about being gay that makes you hate yourself? And, even if there was something.. would you not rather be the best you can be in spite of it, even if it rubs you the wrong way?
>>35434824I'm a 19 y/o mtf. i've posted in this gen a couple times before but it's been over half a year now. I am trying so hard to get better. I really think I'm trying. I'm 5 months on hrt, i go to therapy twice a week, i'm in the process of getting laser hair removal on my face, i just recently started seeing a speech therapist to try and fix my voice, and I've been researching what options i have for surgeries with the intention of getting whatever i can in progress as soon as possible. I'm trying so hard to improve my mental health. I have been trying to do everything I can think of to "fix" myself. I want to get better so badly. But I think I'm getting worse. Nothing I've done so far has really made me feel much better about myself at all. My suicidal thoughts have returned and are getting worse every day. Nothing i do is helping and I'm panicking. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm dying. I want to live but I don't think I can. I don't think I can ever be happy. I can't even imagine it anymore. I feel sick. I can't calm down. I'm doing everything I'm "meant" to do. I'm doing everything that people say someone like me should do. and it isn't helping. I'm scared, and alone, and I don't know what to do, and I don't want to die but I feel like I'm running out of options. Any suggestions at all would be really appreciated. Anything. Thankyou. I'm sorry.
>>35519334i enjoyed reading your post, we're alike. What type of edm you like?
>>35513587Some shrinks really have NO business of being in their business.. fucking hacks making our life collectively more difficult. No, you went through plenty. I know what this type of shit can do to a person. You are hurt. And you always deserved better. Dwell on the idea for a while, and if you draw a blank, or feel stuck.. please know we are here. And I personally care about all of you, even if we are strangers. I want this board to be a happier place. For people like you. >>35517088Rest well Junko. That is concerning, it sounds like you may need to spread things a little? Maybe too much at once?>>35517448Speaking of closets, you were not out to family, right?>>35518904Hmm.. what if you changed perspective? In the end.. yes it is a project, it has a goal, it is something that involves work. But.. it is ultimately also an act of self care. Productivity is a human need. Can you imagine working with that idea? It's not fully formed I admit, I can dwell on it a bit.>>35519334Welcome back, Tomoko. First of all, obviously, I wanna congratulate you on your streak. You are doing great. I cannot tell you what would come of meeting old contacts, but... lots of people always gladly give reconnection attempts a shot, I don't think there is such a thing as too late there.>I just leave when I start getting too comfortable. you have grown avoidant. And your regrets make you avoid human contact. That will be the next step for you. Self care, transitioning.. a drive... you want MEANING. You lack things to look forward to. A gf is a good start. You have interests and fields of expertise, you can't rn motivate yourself to indulge them for their sake.. use them to pull people in. Look for people who would love to know what you know. Make past passions work for you, people will appreciate it. You and me should talk about getting you to form friendships, either reconnecting past ones, but also seeking new ones.
>>35521653>Speaking of closets, you were not out to family, right?how did you know . . . im just a random poster!!!
>>35519938Anon your horn levels are starting to limit your dialogue options, when was the last time you got to enjoy some intimacy?>>35520637> It would be strange to just vent to a stranger for no reason? especially irl?correct, you kinda need to get closer to people to get to that point.>I don't care and don't want to do thisit is a common mistake to try and wait for motivation. I think one of the most frequent bits of advice I give is how absolutely essential for productivity it usually is to segregate big tasks into smaller ones, and really kill the "eventually"s. Have concrete times, in short look at "SMART criteria". I know you don't care about this right now, you cling to the idea "you're gonna sui anyway" or something, but.. it neither has to be this way nor does any of that actually gonna help you make things not suck. I am going to come off a little harsh right now but please take it from a place of well meaning concern: your rational decision making and your emotional state are at war. You need to learn what your irrational bits are and find ways to compromise with them. We need them to function but they are godawful at knowing what they even want. That takes a different kind of assessment. You both rationally and emotionally want to be normal. But then you can't keep on indulging the emotional parts of you that only make you more mentally ill with their bullshit coping mechanisms. There is no shame in giving into them in moments of exhaustion but you need to stop yourself and take a moment to objectively realize they are shit ideas. Procrastination and self harm will not help you jack shit, and doom spiraling and "it doesn't matter" are bs we tell ourselves to not think about stressful things. I can weed out the sense from the bs for you but you need to reflect upon that and engage with me on how to try and move forward. I am sure you don't try to resist advice just to do what you preemptively decided is what you should, but you are in a spiral.
>>35434843discord invite is expired does anyone have a new one
>>35510959>You too, are a maidmaxxer, theta.I do not agree with this assertation. Give not my deranged, lascivious sybarite of a partner any ideas.>>35521240>all I knew was that a genus of them was rich in oxalic acidI've seen no reliable evidence that oxalate content of Trifolium is a concern. The visually similar, yet taxonomically distant genus Oxalis does contain a considerable quantity of oxalates, as the name would suggest. The primary concern in regards to Trifolium is cyanide toxicity, yet there is frustratingly little accessible information on the specific details — such as precise quantities, and methods of harm reduction one may enact — for that subject.
>>35521653I do like that suggestion. It’s a good reason to do this, but it might not be the one that helps me get it done. As I said, I did some research on neurodivergent motivation strategies, and the thing that stood out to me was a desire for novelty. I know that’s an issue for me, because what I have the most trouble with is finishing projects I’ve already started. I have a tendency to put aside half-finished projects to start new ones. What I’m going to try is having something to listen to while I draw that’s new to me. So even if the drawing task doesn’t feel new enough, there will be something I can focus my attention on that is.
I need to sleep, but I napped for hours before so I am a little late getting ready for bed and all.>>35521128I hope you have a wonderful rest, anon. Is there anything I can help you with, anon?>>35521421Welcome back anon, it sounds like you are taking many great steps. I understand you are scared.. there are a few things you need to know: 1) when processing trauma and the like, things get worse for a bit because all the tar from the pit is bubbling to the surface. I do not know if that is what you are going through but if you feel like you are reliving shit now that you don't repress it anymore.. it will be shitty for a while but it will be gone for good past that point. And it will be okay. You are doing wonderfully, and I think what you need now is likely a support network, having connections and people to talk to. You are not alone. Let's have a heart to heart for a bit, okay? Right now I need sleep but you know me probably, I tend to respond within 24hrs. The fact that you cling to life and are scared is good. You will make it. It will be scary and confusing.. but we walk you through this, okay? It will take a while and sometimes won't feel like it's working. Trust.>>35521667Hmmm... let's talk about this more tomorrow. How risky would it be to come out to family?>>35521981Here you go, gonna edit the paste.https://discord.gg/MKVMqfkkpS>>35521983Ah yes, it was not the entire family but only the relatives that had it. In my case I worried less about the toxicity of oxalate (in adults it rarely is a concern for most foods) and more the culinary implications, since they have a strong flavor iirc. It's strange I can't find any info online but I recall a light astringency to oxalates. I haven't had rhubarb in ages, goodness.>>35522055That sounds like a plan, and if you find anything I should add to the resources, do boop me, okay?Also, one last thing: I want you to know how commendable it is you are pushing through these feelings. It is not easy.
>>35522150>(in adults it rarely is a concern for most foods)This may be true, but I am deeply paranoid about the prospect of developing kidney stones.
I'm really bad a brushing my teeth and wanna die
>>35522150>Welcome back anonthankyou for being so, so nice to me. thankyou. i'm not sure what more there is to say but i'll be here. i'll try to keep going. thankyou so much.
>>35522150Do you have the YouTube channel “How to ADHD” in the resources yet? That’s where I went. And thank you for your encouragement! I absolutely agree that this has been difficult. But these mental stumbling blocks are going to keep holding me back until I do something about them, and I feel ready to do something about that.
>>35522150>Is there anything I can help you with, anon?Woof, just let me fastforward to when this particular turn is over. At the best of times, I'm motivated to work and get some personal fulfilment out of it (job in the field I studied and am interested in), and not sweat the money stuff too much. At the worst of times, all I can think of is how I wish I had more money, and I can't do any work because a job reminds me of money, not being able to afford anything anymore, having to have roommates which I hate, being enslaved to a car I hate paying for etc.
>>35521240I'll try to reframe it that way. My therapist said something similar.The discourses of the Buddha are very interesting. I did religious studies in undergrad, so I tend to read religious texts a lot. I've got Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu, and Pagan books in my library.
Went to the gym with a school friend. We were talking in a group, and eventually we broke off and went on our own. I just feel so fucking broken. I don't know what to say, when people talk to me I have brain fog or am in another fucking dimension. When people joke around with me, I get the jokes, but it takes so long for me to process them because I'm just so uneasy being open and authentic at school. I just put on a mask and tame he inner nerd and jokester and pretend to be something I'm not, a fucking well adjusted human being, I've decided. Past couple of weeks has shown that. I'm so awkward even around my friend. He asked me personal questions, I answered honestly. Of no fault of his own, but due to my own insecurity, I felt rather judged. He asked me if I was bullied in high school/middle, he said he was. I answered I wasn't. Seems like he almost expected me to say yes. I can't read his mind, I know it's stupid. I just felt pathetic the more about my life he asked. I basically have no social life outside of him, and I think he reckoned that given my awkwardness and when he asked if I talk to friends from that era of my life. He's not a bad dude, not maliciously asking these questions either, I just feel insecure, pathetic, and worthless answering honestly.To not end on a negative note, I managed to do one real pullup for the first time. Yay me. Couldn't have done it without my friend!
Often wish I lead a simpler life, and I wonder if that means my soul is small and meager. I think about Evangelion and The Wall a bunch, that image of an imposing figure ordering you to become a real, exposed individual. Maybe it's that it feels unfair, that in the past there weren't so many bricks in the wall, and it's a lot to tear down; and it takes a lot to trust that there could be people on the other side of it that love you. Anyway, it's inspiring to see anons here kick smoking for so long, admittedly I've wanted to, but stress brings the old habit back sometimes, which I'm not really proud of, and there are people in my life who would probably be happy if I stopped.
been journaling lately and have made a couple of (attainable) goals for the rest of the year. Life's not great right now but I still want to work on myself and towards a life that makes me happier.
Days without smokes: 52JPN-Anki failed: 2/7I will smoke today. I'm sorry for ruining your hopes on me.I'm not sorry for myself.
>>35525855te quiero ! ! ! !
>>35525855Hey, you may have broken your streak, but there's always tomorrow. Most progress isn't linear, and it's common to stumble a bit when you're tired and worn. You're not ruining my hopes in you. Being imperfect and human does not make you an unsalvagable failure.>t. axolotl
>>35521653>Some shrinks really have NO business of being in their business.. fucking hacks making our life collectively more difficult.Yeah, it's insane how much damage some of them can do. The same guy asked me what underwear I wore out of the blue, right after laughing at my questions about whether or not I was traumatized. Weird guy. Didn't help me much.Anyway thanks again anon. The feeling is mutual.
>>35522287after my posts last night i just kept crying harder and harder. i couldn't stop. i just kept going until i eventually got so exhausted i passed out. there's a huge mound of like 300 used tissues next to me on my bed. I think that's the worst I've been since like July of last year, when I was hospitalized. Waking up this morning I'm not crying anymore but I barely feel any better at all. I feel so, so awful. I have an online speech therapy appointment in 3 hours and i really, REALLY don't want to do it but i feel like I have to. I'm scared I'm going to just break down crying in front of her the moment i turn my camera on, or in the middle of one of those humiliating vocal exercises. I'm such a mess. I can't cancel because it's already paid for and it would harm our relationship and I don't have an explanation. Also, I just know that it would make me feel even worse if I missed out on a self-improvement opportunity like this. So I'm going to try to do it and right now my immediate goal is to just take a shower and prepare for that and just try to keep it together as much as I can until then, but I don't know what I'm going to do after that. I feel like I'm going to explode. I can't even describe how bad i feel right now. There's literally nothing I want right now other than to die and I don't know how long I can fight that feeling off for. I'm sorry for using this as a blog, I don't have anyone else to talk to right now. I hope that's okay...
The truth is that I have some unfulfilled emotional need not being taken care of in my current situation and I'm desperately seeking it out in Firstly my brother, and second in people I consider friends. What that need is has eluded me for some time now. I was just now thinking that it was this need for a caretaker, a substitute for my mother who in retrospect appears to me to have been neglectful in many ways. I'm not really sure what I want from others, only that I'm not getting what I want from them. Security? Safety? Belonging? Can I find these in others? I always feel like a stranger in groups of people. Like i don't belong like I am soon to be found out and rejected. That's why I cane to this conclusion. It seems that I'm pursuing something that they can't actually provide me so I'm stuck in a cycle of going after it, failing, and isolating myself. What can I do to stop this? I want anything to feel like I belong in this world, but I keep telling myself that I don't.
>>35492360>fingers crossed, anon! Do keep us posted, I wish you well.ty again anon, will hopefully be booking the appointment & travel tickets today, knowing my luck it'll all go wrong lol>And thank you, I'm a physicist essentially but can't get into details without doxxing myself, sadly.ah npnp>Yeah, I moved a bit ago and am currently in a temporary thing for visiting researchers, it's a mess, but it will all work out in time.fingers crossed for you too anon! hope it works out sooner rather than later (:
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Please, can I wake up in a good mood for once? I’ve been anxious, I’ve been angry, and now I’m depressed. I can’t help but wonder if this is related to me going from injections back to pills after running out of needles. My new HRT doctor did say the pills were less effective, and having to take them every day might mean more peaks and valleys. It’s cold comfort of course, because I’m in this mess because I botched my last shot. Anyway, I feel bad, so if anyone has any words of encouragement for me, they would be appreciated.
>>35530496I'll do your injection if we get to make out in the closet after. But yeah your levels may fluctuate when switching and it's probably affecting your mood in addition to any anxious thoughts you have. Pills might be less effective but it doesn't matter if your dose is getting good levels on them. Good luck!
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>>35521970It's not I wasn't trying to improve my life before but when you have some sort of mental block preventing you from even getting out of bed giving up on things is a natural consequence of that and having less than 24 hours in a day. I'm aware that many times I would just have to move my muscles for few minutes to do something but even that is too much for my most of the time. Even today I could write my biography when spending 4-5 hours in total traveling to one of the docs I'm seeing, I could do that at around 20 in home, I could do so 2 hours later when I saw the hour but now it's midnight and I don't have even a word written down. I hope I'll menage to spend next hour or two writing it after eating now cold frozen pizza I'm not sure what I wil do later if it won't be ready but I can always sleep in car tomorrow when going to sexologist right? I'm not the driver anyway... he he I'm fucked I need microdosed amphetamine for times like this to be able to focus :<
Another year, huh..>>35522221Ahh, okay, perfectly fair. I should get myself checked for them eventually.>>35522238Hm... do you generally get overwhelmed easily or what is it? Tell me about your circumstances.>>35522287>>35527166Poor frien. Crying is not bad per se, especially if it provided you with some emotional catharsis.>an online speech therapy appointment in 3 hours and i really, REALLY don't want to do itI know I'm late, since that was during my work hours, but that said: yes. Getting better will require a lot of scary things. You can't humilate yourself during exercises like that though, it is part of or training. You are doing wonderful. Yes you are overwhelmed, and I hope it went okay. I'm there for you though, even if with delay. I am proud of you that you keep on struggling and I explicitly WANT you to keep talking to me. You do great. Is there something you would like my advice for?>>35522495Yes I do actually, glad to hear it helped! And you know me, I will always been proud of your efforts. You and all the other wonderful peeps here are working so hard on a shared goal.>>35523277Existential struggles are an absolute bitch, so your current employment is something you enjoy but you are forced to keep an eye on the bottom line? That's always anxiety inducing an ordeal, are there opportunities in sight regarding a raise or anything? Maybe a naive question, you wouldn't worry if there was something immediately in reach, but I think you get me.>>35523959Glad you managed the pullup, anon!>I'm just so uneasy being open and authentic at school. >I just feel insecure, pathetic, and worthless answering honestly.Brainworms with social anxiety are hard. Maybe.. let's start simple. You seem to wanna hide yourself because you dislike aspects of your personality. I feel like that is worth prodding.
>>35524370> I wonder if that means my soul is small and meagerIt does not. The world is an overwhelming place, and we remain creatures of comfort.>stress brings the old habit back sometimesIt is hard. Relapses happen. We can help you. We are all united in tackling things that are not easy for us to do. What that entails is different for everyone. Letting oneself be loved is not an easy feat, accepting our shortcomings and seeing ours strengths is a mess at the best of times. There are tricks to it, and you will need to replaces old copes with healthier ones, as to cope is human. But beforehand.. sometimes it is hard. >>35524860I'm happy to hear, anon. We're all in this mess together. How is journaling treating you? I recommend it frequently, but I always feel people that do it are far better at explaining why than I am.>>35525855Relapses happen. You made it far this time, it's your new record. Soon you will rack up the days again. We need to find you better copes in the long term though. I think you can tell that smoking does not really scratch the actual itch you have. >>35527125Remember to lean on us a little if there is anything on your mind, ok? <3>>35527241It is very good you turn to people, anon! Yes you can find these things. I think you need 1 on 1 interactions. It can be discouraging since people will respond very differently to the same input, so to say. It does not mean you did wrong necessarily.If you don't know what you want, then it is probably many things you need. Let's start with simple things. The first and foremost to try is a mutualistic relationship of needing an being needed. Emotional intimacy. Not everyone can deal with feels but you need to train yourself talking about your feelings sincerely. "X makes me feel Y"s, "I have been thinking about"s, these sentences. And try to coax the same out of your friends. Having someone lean on you, even if you don't know what to say, is good. If you wanna help and dunno how, ask us.
Goodnight, /sig/.>>35527552Hope it will turn out tolerably!We're all gonna make it... somehow.>>35530496They are, def get a shitton of needles. I think there are 100packs. >I feel bad, so if anyone has any words of encouragement for me, they would be appreciated.In moments like this it often helps to take a step back and appreciate the greater context. You were grumpy for understandable reasons, a couple mishaps in succession. But that is because they are off baseline: your long chain of success after success. It's like when I, after having lost 45kg in total by now, still get upset over ever little bump in the road. We as humans only extrapolate from the last few data points mentally. So looking at the greater context forces us to recontextualize. You are doing amazing.>>35534071>have some sort of mental block preventing you from even getting out of bed giving up on things is a natural consequence it is a genuine fight. Depression in general is like this. You will always have me full support and understanding on this front. Yes, getting out of bed is gonna be a struggle. No, you won't have it in you to make all deadlines always, and you will often feel like there is no point to anything at all. Sometimes you just won't have the energy to get out of bed. But in turn, getting out of bed is a win. Seeking any old excuse and cope that is healthy and works is a win. Fighting even though you feel it meaningless is a win. Remember.. fighting depression is scraping the energy up that we have left to do things we do not want to but need. We never want/have the energy to do the things that get us out of depression. We would not be depressed if that worked so easily. Yet it can be overcome, and nobody is built different on that front. I'm rooting for you.
>>35534899>How is journaling treating you?It's been going very well, it's helped me to work through my feelings and it helps me to be more aware of self destructive behavior so I can focus on doing things I actually want to instead of just trying to do whatever to temporarily numb or do stupid stuff to ease my pain.
>>35535440Thanks! All the best Siganon. Next HRT injection tomorrow. Comic book convention on Saturday. Did manage to get some drawing done today, so that’s a 3-day streak.
Been thinking about ordering HRT online. Shit's scary.
>>35535885Yeah, I get that. Would you like to talk about things that would make getting on HRT less scary?
>>35534753>Poor frien.thankyou again for being so, so, so nice to me. you don't owe me anything but if you're offering advice then i'd like to ask, how can i believe that things are going to get better? Even though i'm apparently "making progress" with all these things (although i don't really feel like i am) i feel like i'm actually getting less and less hopeful about the future. If there was somehow some way to know that it would be all be worth it in the end then I'd have no second thoughts about suffering for however long it takes, and i guess that's the mentality that's gotten me this far like "what if it's worth it?", but every day that chance seems slimmer and slimmer, and i feel like someday soon it'll seem so small that all this won't feel worth it anymore. i feel dangerously close to that point. Thankyou
>>35536052Idk, I've been trying to order it all week.Maybe tomorrow
hello friends!!sorry for being absent, school is wrapping up so i have lots to do. hope everyone is doing well!!
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Hi. I’m gonna be anonymous for the purpose of the post, but I can’t keep up with school. I can only study at 5 minute intervals, a total of up to 30 minutes. The pace of school is too fast relative to me. I’m trying so hard to study for longer and focus harder but it’s demoralizing when the marginal progress isn’t enough to make up the time lost.
I just don’t understand why I’m so mentally retarded and sabotaging myself. I’ve tried meditation, eating right, exercise, but it fell apart around the start of this year. I’m worried about whether I might sui if I can’t live on my own
>>35535440>Hope it will turn out tolerably!>We're all gonna make it... somehow.as with most life scenarios, you just gotta stumble through it until you find your footing xdall booked now anyways! both imaging clinic + in-person appointment w/surgeon - will update on how it went when the time comes (:
I think I rotted too much today. + i read for a while - i didnt study norwegian- i didnt voice train- i ate too muchso today was a net negative day.
>>35542553I am going to make out with you
Done with life for the dayDont wanna talk with anyoneDont wanna do anythingStill so many habits I haven't even started and project that still are nothing but spermatozoa in my dreams.Just dont wanna do shit, Im tired.Postponing suffering AND enjoyment of things.Just...eat more food
>>35544445Can you do that with me instead, already a transbian bisexual tranny we will be cute together.
Hi /sig/. I finally did my HRT injection a few hours ago, and I’ve felt better since then.Mostly felt like just laying around after that, but that’s the way the ball bounces.
>>35547377good job!!!! i have to do my injection today too but im procrastinating
>>35546141with some tongue.
>>35548054Where do I find this...?
>>35548095my house when my parents are away
A pic I found that Junko might appreciate. Today was nice, celebrated with a bit of cake.>>35535446Awesome! Yeah it seems externalizing thoughts helps people recontextualize their thought processes healthily. I'm super happy to hear it helps you with self destructive things. Thank you for clarifying!>>35535554>>35547377Glad to hear, Panty!>>35536613>how can i believe that things are going to get better?A genuinely difficult question. I personally like to employ a simplification for these things by dividing the mind into a rational and an emotional part. Rationally, your circumstances have not changed for the worse. You are ticking boxes, you are advancing. Emotionally, you cannot feel it. We as humans cannot function without humoring our emotional side, so the rational part needs to guide it like you would an animal. Sometimes it needs to be trained, sometimes it needs to be distracted and guided. Now for your actual question: I think you want two things here, correct me if I am wrong.1) FEEL progress. You don't feel like you are advancing, and that's ropefuel. It makes you wanna give up.2) Have progress MEAN something. That is more abstract and depends on what matters to you. It will take a bit of debugging to figure out 1), and I will need to learn more about your goals and values for 2). Would "finding love" be for example an end-all goal for you? What things are you working towards rn, from your pov? As for 1), I personally often resort to trying to put numbers on things. Boxes to check and such. Another reason we should revisit the things you are currently working towards to get a sense for how to help you feel the progress you're making.>>35538388All the best, may. We're rooting for you.>>35540207Is it a new development, has it always been like this? Have you ever had it checked?>>35541058Thanks anon, I look forward to it!>>35541208>ate too muchoh, do you have weight goals?>>35546131Have some rest, Angel. What's planned tomorow?
>>35535440It's not my first day of having a depression I had it for years by now. The whole motivation talk won't stop me from looking the way I look, I won't make me become good enough to date someone else than straight up abuser, it won't make me able to work, it won't stop me from being scared of working and being around people in that context it's just a nothing talk. I honestly don't know what to do with myself and this thread seems like a place for people who already are doing better not to slip up but I'm not sure if it does anything more than that HOnestly i think that cutting will be more helpful in the short term and after that I can try some non life ruining drugs or kill myself before that if I wouldn't be able to keep going
>>35548471You have to be 18 to post here anon...
>>35548933>oh, do you have weight goalsyes, i want to lose 7kg (63 goal weight, 18.5bmi)
hi all. idiot days here, I've been really anxious and slipping back into structureless soup-life and posting is hard :/ I think I'll try to sleep and try again tomorrow. idk if this is a me thing but when my mind gets 'clogged up' it's almost impossible to reset without sleepingreally hope all are well or doing their best at least!I have to order hrt, fix my situation, get some independence and stability. then maybe deal with how much of a miserable deluded loser I've been. there must be a way, right?I'm going to try to take it one step at a time, sorry for whining. hopefully I'll have something more productive to say soon
Bump!
>>35548933>What's planned tomorow?Well tomorrow is here today and already doing a tiny bit better, woke up early.I dunno what I even wanna do but for certain I need to stop eating so late at night. It is just ruining me. As far as any other thing plans not really. Need to get injections going on Sunday. Hopefully it works outEverything else is maintenance and adding one new thing to it at a time. Prolly need to add some light exercising next.
i can't let like, the cancer sticks be the central pillar to all my maidmaxxing, specially now i know i have a passing voice.my future isn't dependant on whether i smoke or not.>inb4 you'll die sooner!!!i welcome that.I'm still alive, and I'm still fighting to get back on top of my shite. But I will retake smokes. My life, my body, my decision. I only quit because it was my choice.>>35525855yo tambien te quiero, anon>>35527045thank you, i just need to pull my shit together and get back to the saddle.>>35534899isn't my record like 140~ days or am i gaslighting myself.>>35538388love you may>>35541208i'm glad the formats i set up live on, but you are missing a very important part of it, which is a general tally, that way, even in your negative days, you have a set of points backing you up, all the work you have accomplished making you go like "this is a small bump on my journing, barely setting me back">>35548933i shall appreciate
>>35553078>i'm glad the formats i set up live on, but you are missing a very important part of it, which is a general tally, that way, even in your negative days, you have a set of points backing you up, all the work you have accomplished making you go like "this is a small bump on my journing, barely setting me back"my outlook right now is rather negative, so i think i will just stop before i even start. it was a mistake to even try.
>>35553175it was not a mistake, if you really want to improve, you will.but if you just pity yourself for the bad things that happen as if everything wasa outside your control, and not do your best to get better, you'll not get anywhere.i understand your situation ain't easy Val, but pitying yourself is the worst thing you, or anyone for that matter, can do.Take this as my tough love for you, which is still love. I'm always rooting for you.
>>35553078You dont need to smoke...it is just a stupid addiction, you can fill your time with other things.Regardless I hope you are ok in the end, you have been doing so amazingly in all departments!
>>35553236It's funny that you've mistaken me for Val but alas I am not her. I almost never post on /sig/.
>>35553254I never stop filling my time with other things anon. I appreciate the kind words, I'll be smoking for a while from here.>>35553366yeah, Val told me I oopsied, I always mistake anons dooming for Val. It's my conditioning.What I said still applies to you! much love, rooting for you and stop pitying yourself, you got this.
>>35553605well you are cool so I will elt you do as you please
Alright need to start 3 things>voice training (got my resources just havent touched them)>cardio and exersicing(I work a physical job and morning are my enemy so i never have time)>some form of coding(godot is a winner)I need to have>time>quiet headspaceand>normal sleep and wellnessTo even attempts those.Right now I am DESPERATLY seeing all the 3 things as "work" and my free time as just me chilling doing not much.Generally, I wanna start AT LEAST some light stretching and basic bodyweight exersies every moning but I reallly wake up too late and then to make up for it I spend mroe time after work not sleeping and just stayin on the computer till super tired.How do I get BOTH free time, away from work on my 'puter doing my thing, enough sleep, enough time to eat and stuff AND to also start all that?
I gotta quit being a little bitch and call the pharmacy finally.
>>35555273Write down what you have to say, ideally right now, and then call them. The writing down is just so you feel prepared and it has a lower barrier than actually calling.
>>35555369I called. Unfortunately it seems like I'll have to play a bit of phone tag because they now require you to leave a voicemail instead of speaking directly to staff.Ah beans.
>>35534753>Brainworms with social anxiety are hard. Maybe.. let's start simple. You seem to wanna hide yourself because you dislike aspects of your personality. I feel like that is worth prodding.Select parts of my personality are not palatable to the general population. Out of a need to not be abrasive or bore people, I put on a filter for people I meet. This is normal, imo. I like being a nerd, but not everyone else is the kind of nerd I enjoy talking to and not everyone cares about my interests. I want my pool of friends to be more diverse. I want people who will push me to go outside my comfort zone a little. Gym friend does this and I appreciate that. And while he has his nerdy side, it's not the only thing about him, which is refreshing. I don't know how to say this, but the people I am friends with now are largely just nerdy types who want to play video games. All fine and dandy, but I'm sick of just being confined to a computer room. I need social interaction and I need more diverse interests. I want to meet people who are erudite or more extroverted and spontaneous.I've discussed why I have a hard time socializing with people with a therapist, he seems to think my small talk skills are lacking. He said that with some people who walk into his office he can understand why it's hard for them to connect with others. Said he doesn't get that feeling from me, and suspects it's mostly little aspects of social skills and anxiety holding me back. Whatever the reason, I need to find people who have a mutual interest. The problem is finding those people has been arduous, to say the least. I don't know where to look, I've tried a lot of places at school, but my time is also limited with other responsibilities, so getting involved has not really worked out this year. I need to go to places more regularly. I have to enroll in classes next week, so I think I'll try and get a schedule that leaves me time for clubs. Right now I really have time for little else.
Hello, long time lurker first time poster, etcI have OCD. I understand that it can be solved more easily if I caved in and got a therapist/medication, but I don't want to risk ostracizing myself from my friends by announcing that I have finally taken the plunge to deal with my mental health.The major thing I have been trying to focus on is the disorder "locking me out" of being able to complete tasks for unknown reasons. I currently need to be finding out where my tax return is (as it's not been sent to me yet), but I'm terrified of opening the IRS website in case I need to somehow resubmit forms, or suddenly find out I have to pay the government instead of getting money in return. It's not ACTUALLY terrifying, but I am just... incapable of opening the website.Other examples are me being unable to work on any of my actual projects (programming/art for a game) because my mind keeps trying to say some dumb shit like "no, COVID fucked your synapses, so you'll never do it again."Is there... any resources for this, or should I look elsewhere?
>>35555409Just learned my prior authorization was fucked because a health plan I haven't been covered by in over 5 years was included in the submission (I don't know why) and that got me denied meds by my actual insurance company because they expected the first company to pay for my shit. Wow I am gonna be busy.
BUMP
>>35549152I am over 18
>>35555717Who says you have to tell your friends if you see a therapist or psychiatrist?As a fellow OCD sufferer... I don't think you need to tell anyone if you don't want to. It's always a personal decision.
>>35550728>idk if this is a me thing but when my mind gets 'clogged up' it's almost impossible to reset without sleepingI know what you mean, it's like nothing else really wipes it clean or stops it when it's running in loops. Hope your life gets a little more structured soon so you can relax! >>35550722ooh pretty>>35555717>but I don't want to risk ostracizing myself from my friends by announcing that I have finally taken the plunge to deal with my mental health.Would your friends really ostracize you for something like that? That doesn't sound very pleasant... >I am just... incapable of opening the website.Since I don't have OCD myself I'm not sure if this will work for you, or if you've already tried it: When I'm scared or "locked out" of opening my emails and filing my various forms, I sometimes put on videos or podcasts that sound busy and have a relatively high amount of information being said per second. Sometimes the sound is enough to trick my brain into placing my fear in the background of my mind rather than the front, because it makes me think I'm doing something else than what I actually am.
page 8 bump before i honk shooo mimimimihave a good day non-euro /sig/
Post theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9b3vyon52oYI appreciate this thread more than any other thread on this entire website.>>35519938I'm the type to only have sex with someone I'm emotionally invested in.>>35521128I have a weird relationship with time. I welcome it, but fear what it has in store. I used to be fine with autopiloting life, until that ruined me.>>35521599I get a lot of funny looks for it, but I'm really into dubstep. Every form of it, brostep being my least favorite form. I'm really invested in the culture of it. It fulfills me. I hate that people think I "go clubbing" when in actuality I thoroughly enjoy listening to the genre develop and it's one hell of a show live. I'm glad I can appreciate it in sobriety, I was actually afraid it was all a drunken pleasure. Very glad to know that I just love music.>>35521653>you have grown avoidantYeah... yeah, I used to be a social butterfly. Welcoming every chance to meet someone new, find out more about them and seeing where that bond goes. Some of my most fulfilling friendships started because I was extroverted enough to spark up a conversation with literally anyone, from rich suits on the train to an unhoused addict asking for food. Socialization used to be my favorite aspect of life. Now it's something I run away from, a far cry from the bountiful spirit I was. I really wanna get back to that. I miss being the brightest flame in a chamber of candles. There HAS to be something in me that still has that in her. There's a reason I was so popular up until the point I sobered up. I have to stop devaluing myself, it's a problem I developed early in sobriety - a "woe is me" mentality. I hate being pessimistic. I wanna be an optimist again. One day at a time I guess. Right now it feels almost impossible, the only places I know to make friends are party environments which I fear will lead me down that dark path once again. I wanna escape that. My ex was right, I have a lot of growing to do.
The spheksophobic reader may find it valuable to learn that a 1:1 solution of common dish soap and water may be utilized as an effective projectile for the relatively safe dispatching of vespid vermin. The surfactants contained within said soap acts to occlude the spiracles of insects, ensuring an ensuing asphyxiation. Trust me on this — I have obliterated many, many a wasp this month.In other news: I've successfully added an additional circuit to my daily physical exercise routine, and have switched to lifting slightly heavier weights.>>35559667>ooh prettyTo be frank, I hold little endearment for plants which provide for me scant utility. Tatarian honeysuckle's only use of note is as a niche alternative to catnip — and by "niche", that is to say that, of the approximately one-third of cats which are immune to the effect of Nepeta cataria, a further one-third of that grouping is liable to be affected by the wood of L. tatarica.
>>35559464>>35559667Sorry for the very late response. I was hoping this thread would die before I came back from work.>Who says you have to tell your friends if you see a therapist or psychiatrist?>Would your friends really ostracize you for something like that?The one time I did open up about it, to a singular person who I care about deeply, their response to what I had told them caused me to spiral into a nervous breakdown that cost me a majority of my friends. Nonetheless, if I am getting help, I want to be able to talk about it; so the fact that I cannot without it negatively affecting my life is preventing me from doing so, I guess.>When I'm scared or "locked out" of opening my emails and filing my various forms, I sometimes put on videos or podcasts that sound busy and have a relatively high amount of information being said per second.Alas, I have mastered the ability to multitask and funnel specific information to very specific muscles. As I type this, I'm grinding two seperate games at once. May God have mercy on my soul once I die, because I'm going up there and asking to be given two heads to do more things simultaneously.>>35561702You use such large, interesting words, by the way. This post made me learn what "spheksophobic" means. In turn, I'll tell you my favorite long word for a fear - lepidopterophobia, for fear of butterflies.
It was a long and restful day, but since it's the weekend I don't sweat lateposting much. Tomorrow I will have to sadly do a lot of household crap which is gonna be a literal chore.>>35549140>It's not my first day of having a depression I had it for years by now.Sorry if I ever came off like I implied the opposite, Frem. I would never wish to imply you did not try things you considered worth doing. It is a survivorship bias thing, you know. We would not *be* depressed anymore if any of our coping mechanisms and strategies had worked consistently, unless we are still making a coherent effort building them up. But you said yourself, you were not looking for solutions for a long while. It is in the nature of the beast, I'm not trying to attack, criticize or invalidate you here.>The whole motivation talk won't stop me from looking the way I look,motivation, in my experience, is a garbage starting point. In the sense that motivation does not come to us by some divine intervention, but we can gaslight ourselves into becoming motivated, strategically.> won't make me become good enough to date someone else than straight up abuser,what do you mean by that? Even if you were clocky you would not be condemned to never find a good partner. And no, motivation does not do anything on its own, but motivation is not at all my focus. My focus is getting you out of the pit of depression that you are in, motivation comes and goes, what you need is what I tend to call mental energy and fortitude: the ability to cope with day to day life in a way that lets you productively work towards things that are fulfilling, like affording FFS.>like a place for people who already are doing better not to slip upon the contrary. People do slip up, and we try to help them get back on their feet. Relapses happen, plans can fail. It's why I so eagerly keep an eye on updates of people. Sometimes we need to pick up the pieces, do a post mortem analysis and try again... in spite of it all.
>>35563413I think nothing can really beat Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia. It's the fear of long words.
>>35549244That's pretty darn low, anon. Anything below 19BMI is usually considered underweight, though there naturally is a bit of wiggle room. Is it okay to ask what motivates you to go that low, and what your strategy is? >>35550728GBA! I am happy to see you. I had a restful weekend thus far, tomorrow is gonna suck a bit but it will be fine. And yes, there is a way. And I am glad you keep fighting.>>35553013Glad to hear, angel. Yeah, one thing at a time.>>35553078>>35553605A shame, but you have found your way back every time so far. I have faith in you.Still, I hope you forgive me bonking you with a newspaper roll for>i welcome that.I know how you mean it, but.. at the same time, we must not indulge too much on the front of self loathing, as easy as it gets. It's a tough balance to strike, I want people to be sincere after all about their feelings. But "we all have worth, no exceptions, and that sadly means me as well" can be a cope to get you through the day. And yes it might be 140 is your record but either way, I hope you keep on keeping on on other fronts and make sure not to overwhelm yourself. >>35554411Different people have different coping mechanisms on that front so it WILL be trial and error, and if an approach does not work for you we will need to rethink our approach, so I hope you don't mind being patient with throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks. What you need, on paper at least, is a well-defined schedule. You need non-negotiable free time you can look forward to. "This hour is free time. No guilt, no exceptions." Having work and free time somehow phyically separated and control over your monitor hours would be optimal. But the catch is: having a hyperautismo time table can be exhausting, and too much of this is unsustainable. You'll sometimes break rules esp initially but if you find yourself adhering to a rhythm steadily with occasional fails that would be good enough. Also habit forming can help, want more on that?
Goodness, 5 am.. bedtime for real now.>>35555409>>35555962What a shitshow, sorry to hear anon. Do keep us posted on that front.>>35555418> This is normal, imo. I like being a nerd, but not everyone else is the kind of nerd I enjoy talking to and not everyone cares about my interests> I want people who will push me to go outside my comfort zone a little. > I need social interaction and I need more diverse interests.All super sensible, all perfectly healthy! Admirable, even! You want to step out of your comfort zone to self actualize. Guess I misinterpreted what you said, all of this is absolutely wonderful, and it sounds like you are generally going about it with a level headed plan. You generally got the right idea I think, making friends is a great deal about mutually enjoying company and investing time into each other.>>35561193> before i honk shooo mimimimiwhat an absolutely precious way to put it, hope it's not rude to say, it just made me smile.>>35561627And I appreciate you, tomoko. Could you try to verbalize the thought processes holding you back from engaging with people? Is it something tangible you can put into words?>>35555717>>35563413Welcome, anon! Only now got to respond. I was about to ask the same thing the other anons did, do this is lucky I suppose I took a while.>Nonetheless, if I am getting help, I want to be able to talk about it; so the fact that I cannot without it negatively affecting my life is preventing me from doing so, I guess.I see, you feel unsafe opening up about these things after a really poor outcome that was rather traumatic. Would it be enough if you had a community to share these things with, or would you prefer your friend group in its entirety to be in the know? In the sense of what you would deem acceptable/not so.
i just need someone to notice that i'm struggling i just need someone to say something
>>35564268>Would it be enough if you had a community to share these things with, or would you prefer your friend group in its entirety to be in the know?I think that's part of the reason I came here. I need somewhere to put it out into, but I can't do so publically. Doing so while anonymous obscures who I am or what I've gotten myself stuck on this time. It's not like I'm getting trapped on thoughts that are not morally sound - no, I follow a rigid code of conduct to prevent this, which is in itself a sign of the disorder - but the implication that it might be morally un-sound is what keeps me from talking my head out of it to someone who can rationalize it.Though, I do wonder if my specific behavioral patterns would keep me from being able to form a bond with a community of people with OCD. I am both equally attempting to fix the issue and never leave the compulsions, since they have not "lead me astray" (in that they have not allowed the obsessions to win.)I am simply delusional at the core, I guess. The stupidest thing I get stuck on is "if I hear specific songs from 1978-1981 in public, I will suddenly stop being a gay male and become a straight man," which I hope illustrates how stupid it is.>>35564514I'm about to go to bed, but know that I've seen this. If the thread survives until morning, I expect to see you here too.
>>35538388i got to rest a lot today and it was very nice. my roommate is out of town so i have the room to myself and can girlmode :3>>35548933thanks siganon, hope ur doing well <3>>35553078love you too junko <33
ai generated art arc
>>35561627>I'm the type to only have sex with someone I'm emotionally invested in.Same but I would do the transbian to you.
Post theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGkee6F10W8>>35564268>Could you try to verbalize the thought processes holding you back from engaging with people? Is it something tangible you can put into words?It is pretty hard for me to verbalize my feelings, yeah.I don't know, honestly. I guess in my sobriety I've grown tired of failing socially. It was pretty easy to socialize when I was kind of drunk all the time. Before the drinking, I was really extroverted, with a magnetic personality. I had similar hobbies to what I have now but I was a lot more passionate about them back then. Nowadays I find it difficult to even lay down a simple drum beat let alone compose an entire track. I'm pretty bad at verbalizing what I do in my hobbies. I just know things, I guess, and fumble when it goes from an action to a conversation. I haven't sat down and watched a good movie in ages. I spent the past 2-3 years watching hollywood slop because that's all I could process in my drinking. A shame, my ex is a cinephile and so was I. It was a mutual thing we loved. I missed the chance to show her who I was, wasted in exchange for PBR and a conflagration of furious intimacy. It was fun while it lasted, I just wish I created something that lasted. She herself even told me she doesn't know what to say to me, and that the only thing she liked about me were my looks. When asked, "What do you like about me?" she blankly stared in silence before saying "Well, you're really hot."A holographic romance, it all was. I still miss her.I guess I'm just afraid that I can't live up to the person I used to be. Everything was so easy before. Now it all feels impossible. I couldn't handle going to AA/NA meetings anymore. Everyone is so... Happy... And they talk about... things... I don't know what people talk about. I'm not surrounded by people who are essentially copies of myself. Everything and everyone is so strange outside of my cones of vision.To summarize, I think I'm boring nowadays.
>>35564084>That's pretty darn low, anon. Anything below 19BMI is usually considered underweight, though there naturally is a bit of wiggle room. Is it okay to ask what motivates you to go that low, and what your strategy is?i think i feel better when i weight significantly less. its hard to say why. my strategy is not very good and involves skipping meals
>>35561702>approximately one-third of cats which are immune to the effect of Nepeta cataria, a further one-third of that grouping is liable to be affected by the wood of L. tatarica.Wow, yeah that certainly is niche, sheesh. I prefer fruit trees and other plants that produce edible things as well.>Trust me on this — I have obliterated many, many a wasp this month.^This is a good tip, I do this too, in summer. >>35563413>their response to what I had told them caused me to spiral into a nervous breakdown that cost me a majority of my friends.Sorry to hear that anon, sounds like their response wasn't too caring towards you. That must have been tough. Have you found new friends since then, or are you only seeing the ones that remained?>As I type this, I'm grinding two seperate games at once. Merde.... Yeah, I guess my trick won't work for you then, sadly.>>35564268>what an absolutely precious way to put it, hope it's not rude to say, it just made me smile.That's not rude at all, I'm glad my silly words made you smile! I hope you have a good time honk shoo mimimi'ing as well>>35564514I'm seeing you. Life is hard sometimes, and I hope the struggle takes you somewhere better. All we can do is try.
Good morning. Mobileposting as I've become invested in this general now>>35564514As I promised, though, I'm still here, so if you're just now waking up, B, poke your head out.
Had a massive revelation about adhd after reading up on it rn: In order to do more stuff, I should start rewarding myself for doing them BEFORE I've done the task!I already knew the dopamine errors in adhd brains meant that I don't understand the old fashioned "Do A, get B once done"/carrot on a stick method, and I know that the whip doesn't work either. But thinking back to when I was I child I'd always do what I promised to do as long as I got the reward first. "If I give you A right now, you will do B for me" works! My brain is just craftsman- and trading wired!
>>35434843Is mental filter a gay to French adapter?
page 9 bump
Why are these threads on this board now?
>>35571481Because these autists need to get better at life instead of being part of the lowest degens out there.
>>35573181I'll kiss you anon
>>35574240
>>35564514You are seen. You are cared for. You are fondly remembered, too. I am happy to see you again. I want to help you in any way I can. Do not give up. We are here for you for what it's worth. It WILL be worth it. YOU are worth it.>>35565092> the implication that it might be morally un-sound is what keeps me from talkingHmm.. could you elaborate what you think is morally unsound? I could try pick it apart with you.But it does sound like you have some very specific brainworms, yes. We are not specialized in OCD, can't replace therapy, but what we definitely can is cheer you on in your struggles and try to figure out approaches that work for you. Aren't there CBT resources for various types of OCD, it could be worth looking into. >"if I hear specific songs from 1978-1981 in public, I will suddenly stop being a gay male and become a straight man,"do you generally take issue with being gay btw?>>35565931I am, life is a bit turbulent but I will be okay.>>35566470>It is pretty hard for me to verbalize my feelings, yeah.you did amazing, tomoko. You know what often helps in these cases? Having something to talk about that you feels is yours. A project. Something you do not because it has meaning, but because doing it gives it meaning. I bet in the AA meetings there were people talking about gardening, or bouldering, or fishing, or some other pursuit. It will be difficult to get you motivated but motivation often comes with getting better at a thing on its own.>>35566567Hmm.. do you feel like it could be body image issues? Have you had a history of aiming for lower and lower BMIs? Are you sure you will be satisfied at 19? If not, then... ironically gaining might be the counterintuitive solution to your feelings, supplemented with other things.>>35567285I do appreciate it. <3>>35567718I am genuinely happy to hear, anon!>>35568191Ohhh that is SUPER useful for me to keep in mind when talking to ADHDnons, thank you so much!
>>35571481OP here. I was aware of /adv/&/fit/ having /sig/ for ages but this general is a year and change old, I made it for the express purpose of redirecting people's frustrations and felt inability to overcome their hardships. lgbt used to be a rather doomy board almost since inception and I kept a close eye on it ever since it was made, I noticed that recently it has become less and less self destructive (comparatively) and more of a mindset I would describe as "I hate that everything is shit and I want things to be better". And there is no denying that this board needs more mutual support. Lots of people can't get it from their family, and it is not uncommon for people to lose friends over being lgbt. >>35569307Or Gay2Netherlands conversion!
>>35574449>Ohhh that is SUPER useful for me to keep in mind when talking to ADHDnons, thank you so much!Can also be a trap since the brain feels so satiated after so long without sufficient dopamine. If you do this, definitely force yourself to stay on-task."Dopamine pre-loading" can help - executive dysfunction might prevent you doing one particular task, but others might seem trivial with no resistance. So completing those other, unrelated tasks can invigorate you chemically and psychologically, reducing the friction in starting the priority task.As a side effect, it stops you getting paralyzed in the face of daunting tasks, where you know you gotta do it but refuse to work on anything else until you do.
Well, my roommate has given me three months to move out. They’re disabled too, and they just don’t have it in them to continue helping me.I emailed my therapist earlier this evening asking to schedule an emergency session ASAP. We’ll be able to talk about my feelings and resources then. I know of at least one other group that might be able to help me find a place in this area. And I can move back in with my parents in Tennessee as a last resort. I don’t know what’s going to happen next. There are places to live here for people like me, my understanding is just that there’s waiting lists for them. I don’t know if I can get a place in the time I’ve been given. I moved to Maryland not sure if it would work out. I took a chance, and it bought me some time, gave me some hope. I don’t regret that. But right now, it’s hard to believe things are going to get better.
>>35568191iirc, the biggest dopamine hit drug users get is from thinking about, seeing, or craving the drug, not actually using it.
How many ppl in this gen are transing vs not
>>35563708Your last few post seemed like nothing burger full of motivation speak and I'm aware that motivation is good for a day or two at best. As for the partner talk I want them to see me as their gf without them seeing me as male but being polite and referring to me as she and for that I would need to pass, also I wouldn't be a good partner with how I act now and how much waste of the space I'm. I don't want to work minimal wage job or work at all just so I can live in a society where I'm just a laughing stock the moment I would stop being just a random metal fun guy with long hair and tell people how I really feel. Currently I'm just trying to be as much of a hikikomori as possible but I want to give up on life even more and honestly I may just get scolded for doing diy by the endo I'll meet in 2 months, beg them to give me give me absurdly big official dosage so I can buy HRT in bulk (doctors can prescribe things for only half a year here because politicians don't know shit about medical industry) and never show up there again, get weed and amphetamine for selfmed ADHD and just disapear in my room until I'll kill myself. Does that sound like a good long term plan divided into small parts? As for short term I got 2nd cheapest vodka which may work better than slowly drinking beer with my meds and I'll try to get better at cutting for now, you may even say that I'm getting a new hobby :>
Was about to go to bed but jesus christ, okay, one quick post.>>35574754That's super interesting,out of curiosity, where did you find that out? Is it a howtoadhd video, or an article you read?>>35574887Jesus Christ.. first of all, I am super sorry to hear that! This seems super abrupt, though I am glad they didn't just pull the plug on you, either. Goodness gracious panty. Yes, talk things out. You are clearly already planning things, in spite of that shock, and it is very obvious that you are clearly already taking the right steps and have contingencies. It is such a scary thing when existential things are going awry, having the rug pulled from underneath your feet. That said.. yes. I understand where you are coming from. It is hard to feel just how competent you are, how accomplished, how well you have been doing in the face of all that. My faith in you remains unshaken. If you need a shoulder to cry on, you can ping me any time. Please take time to process things emotionally. But you will absolutely make it. You have overcome a lot, and the way you are already handling it leaves me nothing short of confident in your ability to handle it.>>35575600Hard to say but I know from memory alone I can immeditately think of at least a dozen and a half tranners (including two ftms), three cisbi ms (me included), I believe two enbies, at least two cisgays, and a lot of people whose letter I never asked.>>35575688Frem... I understand that my replies must be frustrating, and I get that you lash at me a little, you are in pain. So much so you also take it out on yourself. Would you actually let people change your mind? As in, a prospective partner for example being something other than "just nice to you"? Or are your preconceived notions so set in stone you would not be willing to entertain input on it? That's not something I need an answer for, but maybe you do.I might be able to help more if I knew more about you. What interests do you have, for example? Or used to.
>>35575600one vote for manmoding (with intent to honmode)
>>35575600am, ish, prob perma boymode
>>35575872>That's super interesting,out of curiosity, where did you find that out? Is it a howtoadhd video, or an article you read?I have ADHD and find it works for me, same for others in the community that I know ofThere might be an "official" name or term for it but I've not looked into it personally
>>35575872Thanks for taking the time to reply tonight, siganon. I really appreciate it. And thanks for the encouragement.
>>35576055i want to hug you i am sorry to hear things are getting dire
>>35575872>What would happen in theoretical situation you never was or will be hikiko attention whore?I don't know tee hee (oregairu tee hee pic) I'm just that kind of a silly freak ^^'Oh I already said it some time ago anime,manga,books,games,cooking,writing,gamemaking and learning new things pop science style :D I also wanted to learn how to guitar but I never menaged to do it '-' and nowdays i just waste my time playign repetitive games that don;t bring me any satisfactin or watch videos i already saw on youtube because my algorithm broke there i know i know im such a silly gobber but i will become big chungus fat karma skibidi rizzler in afterlife/another life/whatevewr else/choose your own religion :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
>>35576673Hey, have we talked before? Either way, I appreciate your concern. As for my situation, I didn’t get put on the street today — things could be worse. I’ve got time to try and figure something out. My life is definitely going to change, might be more difficult for a while, but it doesn’t have to mean I’m doomed forevermore. This could lead to something even better, you know? Just like how, warts and all, this was better than continuing to live with my parents. Giving up is easy, but it’s less rewarding.
>>35577018>Hey, have we talked before? Either way, I appreciate your concern.sometimes about drawing. i made panty with a fidget spinner so maybe
>>35574449>could you elaborate what you think is morally unsound?The typical lot of things. Racism, pedophilia, incestuous desires, etc. Violence against the innocent also. The Bad Stuff that gets people killed or "cancelled." I follow strict rigid thought processes to prevent me from even so as much as THINKING about these things in any way that isn't "that is a bad thing.">do you generally take issue with being gay btw?No. I had a ex who did though, but it wasn't that he wanted me to be straight, he just thought bisexuality was the only true sexuality and thus, I must be attracted to women, somehow. Might be related but maybe irrelevant.>>35567285>Have you found new friends since then, or are you only seeing the ones that remained?I have like, two who remained, and I'm trying to make new friends.>>35575600Cis male with no desire to transition here.I took a shower today after several days of not doing so. I am currently attempting to excise a moth from my apartment. Does this count towards anything?
>>35577458Oh, that was you! Thanks again, loved that drawing.
>>35567285i'm trying, that much i promise, but i'm not sure i'm trying hard enough>>35574449thank you, i'll probably post again tomorrow, but i've been struggling, and it's hurt to have no one notice
Finally feeling like I'm able to fall to pieces just a bit. It's what I need. I've been trying to keep it together for so long and I have done so much, I need to just crumble for a bit. This weekend I was able to relax for the first time in a while. It's scary because I think if I stop I feel it all falls apart and it has before. But I know my body can't take it anymore, I need to rot, even for a bit. To do this week: electrolysis, organise leave of absence, see uni advisor, work, girlrot in girlbed.
>>35575578I think I see what you're getting at, but I dont find taking drugs all that comparable to doing daily chores like laundry or cleaning. The problem my brain has is that normal people apparently feel some sort of accomplishment or satisfaction once they are done with their chores, and know that this satisfaction will take place. Whereas I get practically 0 satisfaction from finishing my chores. At my best, I'll feel neutral that it's over; at my worst, I'll feel angry with myself for taking too long to do it. So there is no dopamine carrot for me to chase. Instead, I have to think about what I would gain from doing my chores ("If I do my chores, it would give me time to relax with a cup of tea"), and turn it on its head ("If I want to relax with a cup of tea right now, the price is that I have to do my chore right afterwards - and I have to pay, otherwise it's cheating")>>35574754True, but I generally find that my rejection sensitivity and shame helps me stay on-task, since if I don't do what I promised to do, I will be a liar and a disappointment (even to myself).I have tried doing the trivial tasks first, annoying tasks second method, and it rarely works for me to be honest. I know that I'm meant to break things into smaller more tangible bites, but usually what ends up happening is that I either finish only the easy parts, or that I give up on everything because my brain gets overwhelmed by by suddenly seeing many things instead of one thing. I also have to be really careful not to end up doing stupid useless things if I decide to go for trivial tasks first, because I get so "caught" by the feeling of doing something, that my brain forgets I'm not "doing something just to do something"; if I'm not careful this results in baking cookies, sorting the drawers, writing a book, shaving, cleaning every single surface in the bathroom with a toothbrush, etc. for hours, simultaneously, when in reality all I was trying to do was clean the dishes.
>>35578862Trying, no matter how hard or how little, is enough. If you find that you'd wish you could try harder, it isnt unlikely that something else is tapping your resources, limiting your ability to go as hard as you want.>>35577611>I have like, two who remained, and I'm trying to make new friends.I hope you do, Anon. Having multiple friend circles can be a big help, especially since some might be more understanding than others.>>35575600I'm not sure. Maybe I will someday, but not right now. It scares me.
>>35581213>if I don't do what I promised to do, I will be a liar and a disappointment (even to myself).Sorry this got so long... I should probably add that even though this part might sound bad because it's like I'm forcing myself to work out of fear for punishment, it's actually still better than when I do the normal Action->Reward scenario. Action->Reward = I punish myself before I have had the chance to act, because I haven't reached the reward yet. I am "stupid" for not being done already. (illogical, I know: how are you supposed to have reached it if you havent worked towards it yet? But thats how it feels)Reward->Action= I am only stupid if I fail to do what I promised myself I would do.(Not ideal if I fail, but still better because I am no longer "stupid" 100% of the time)
>>35582022Well I guess it's bad if phrased that way, but I guess it's analogous to holding yourself accountable. I do much the same honestly, it's fear-driven motivation, of judgement from peers mainly, if not from seeing others excel while I fester.IIRC there's a talk from Dr. Russel Barkley where he talks of rewards (or promises of) being insufficient, where there needs to be some pressing sense of *tangible* consequence or loss to push us forward. As uncomfortable as it is...At that point, it's a question of:>Would you rather sit in the tension and dread of executive dysfunction, in light of consequence>Or would you rather forcibly push through, despite the discomfort, to alleviate those feelings>>35581213>I have tried doing the trivial tasks first, annoying tasks second method, and it rarely works for me to be honest. I know that I'm meant to break things into smaller more tangible bites, but usually what ends up happening is that I either finish only the easy parts, or that I give up on everything because my brain gets overwhelmed by by suddenly seeing many things instead of one thingFair enough, we're all different xd (unfortunately, otherwise it'd be much easier to treat!)Piecemealing's never worked for me either. Only way I can do it is by literally "switching" my cognition off so I'm not hyper-aware of how overwhelming it is.>if I'm not careful this results in baking cookies, sorting the drawers, writing a book, shaving, cleaning every single surface in the bathroom with a toothbrush, etc. for hours, simultaneously, when in reality all I was trying to do was clean the dishesDo you find those things make you feel better in some way? Tidiness makes me feel good since I struggle with it a lot. Same with self care.I do get caught up in negative thoughts regarding such, though. Like self flagellation for completing such irrelevant tasks. But it's something I try to acknowledge and combat with logic, rather than dwell on. Idk if it's the same for you.
>>35582289>IIRC there's a talk from Dr. Russel Barkley I think I remember watching that one, actually, it was pretty educational.>Fair enough, we're all different xd (unfortunately, otherwise it'd be much easier to treat!)Yeah true lol>Only way I can do it is by literally "switching" my cognition off so I'm not hyper-aware of how overwhelming it is.Yes, thats one of my strategies too. Usually I do it by distacting myself with some sort of stimuli that is weak enough for me to still get something done.>Do you find those things make you feel better in some way?Hmm, sort of? From what it feels like I'd probably describe it as a mix of hyperfocus and stimming gone out of control. While being in it feels great because of the movement and the novelty of switching between multiple no-pressure activities, there's no actual goal to any of it - once I wake up on the other side very little of what I've spontaneously done in my haze has ended up useful or finished. A lot of the time I end up creating even more of a mess than what was there to begin with. >self flagellation for completing such irrelevant tasks.Yeah, I do this a lot. I try not to, but the guilt of not having my shit together weighs heavy
>>35581344i'm back in uni while working part time, so most of my weekdays are 12+ hours long, i don't know where i'm supposed to find the willpower to keep up so i've just been doing my best to hold on until summer
>>35583175shit, yeah I can understand why that would be demotivating. I've been there, it's tough. Any set dates for your exams yet so you at least have an idea of when your daily schedules will ease up?
>>35584738no :/ and with the changing seasons work has just been getting worse
>>35584978:(well fuck. guessing theres no way to work less hours without being unable to pay rent either, just from the sound of it. At least it's nearing the end of the semester, so I guess reaching that will be nice once it's over. You seem like you're trying plenty hard to me, given everything you're dealing with. Hope you sneak a few moments to breathe here and there
>>35585651thank you, it's so nice to have the effort to make it through recognized, and i'll be sure to take a moment to breathe where i can
>>35585703Glad it helped you even if theres no real solution to it. Sometimes shit is just rough. Will cross my fingers for your exams!
Hi /sig/. I spent the day crying and soul searching about my roommate (and ex-partner) asking me to move out. I’m seeing my therapist on Thursday. I’ll be talking with him about the nuts and bolts of finding me a new place to stay. Today was about the emotional side of things. There’s no hard feelings. I know this is for the best. My roommate and I ultimately just couldn’t give each other what we needed — in a romantic partnership or a shared living arrangement. We apologized to each other for different things. Neither of us regrets giving this a try. We both learned from it. And we intend to stay in touch as friends even after we stop being roommates. But this has been my life for the past year, and it’s going to be over soon. I’m going to miss it. I know I’ll survive, but I also know it will take time to make peace with this.
Sorry for being late to the party making a new thread. I'll respond to everyone in the next one given this one hit the bump limit. Today was hell.>>35587792>>35587792>>35587792>>35587792
>>35576960 >>35576001>>35576055>>35577611>>35578862>>35580105>>35586687see>>35588736 and >>35588791, respectively.This post is just so people know they have been replied to.
