Community effort Editionprevious: >>36083408Goal of the thread: If you usually lurk and can't muster the courage to speak up, just (You) the OP, or say a couple words. Anything. I will see it, and I'll do my best to respond and ask questions. You can do it, anon!Daily goals can be repeated. Remember to keep score, it can only go up!>What is this thread for?Getting better is hard, and sucks. A lot. It does not get easier doing it alone.Share resources and experiences with combating depression, anxiety, personal issues, achieving or maintaining a healthy weight, etc.>Why is this thread /lgbt/?Struggles with mental and physical health are an indisputable part of /lgbt/ life, be it from dysphoria, social pressure, heartbreak, or just unfortunate lifestyle choices.>Notes to consider:Please be civil. Shame is your greatest enemy in fighting urges of self abuse (be it sh, drugs, or just self deprecation). Relapsing into bad and unhealthy habits is to be expected, the goal is to increase the average amount of time it takes between relapses. Any improvement is a victory no matter how small. Your worth and right to get better are non-negotiable. And most importantly:WE ARE NOT THERAPISTS, WE DON'T REPLACE MEDICATION>Note on adviceGeneric advice won't necessarily help you in particular, but for those it does it is an essential foundation to build future progress on, not a miracle cure. Do not underestimate the effects subtle changes to your lifestyle can have. Try first, keep us posted on your progress, build from there.We are *always* short on self help resources, so if anything was useful to you, let us know!Since the OP is getting too long I moved all resources into their own post, see below!## RESOURCE LINKS:Resource link paste: https://sntry.cc/sig-resources-2024-04General advice from Anons: https://sntry.cc/sig-tips-2024-04Posts from other sites (markdown format): https://sntry.cc/sig-posts-2024-04
Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!- prepare 1 load of laundry- do 1 load of laundry- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish- eat a meal- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes- make your bed- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)- do the dishes for 3 minutes- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)- Open your window for 10-20 minutes- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)- take out the trash- drink a glass of water- put one item of trash in the bin- reach out to an online contact- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:IRC: https://kiwiirc.com/nextclient/irc.rizon.net/#/lgbt/sigDiscord: https://discord.gg/MKVMqfkkpS
I study a couple hours in the morning then spend the rest of the day playing gamesI go outside but don't have anyone to do things with or talk toI dont have a problem with it but I think it could become a problem eventually
>>36208144maximize you could answer this one without asking about it tho 2nd thret
>>36208202>picking images is always toughYeah. Recently I've begun collecting images from social media and boorus in a folder just to make it slightly easier>maybe you are a little starved for physical affection>things like this can mean a whole lot emotionallyAbsolutely. Touch starvation is annoyingly real and painful. At our core I think most of us are overgrown monkeys with a deep psychological need to physically goof around with our flock. >>36208302Hey again tim-anon; yeah it was nice. lengthy. but nice.>untreated depression leading to psychosisAh shit. Yes, I've heard of that happening before, two guys I know irl have the same problem. Really glad to hear antidepressants seem to be taking care of it for you. Symptoms of that gravity are... heavy. I don't think anyone is meant to endure feeling that bad all the time.As confusing as it is to become a new person it's still a relief when it proves possible. Like a cloud lifting.
>Do you have any pointers on where to start/what to do?Digital circuits are pretty easy and there are plenty of free simulators for you to play around with logic gates. If you're interested in how computers work you might start there. Radio is another popular way to get into electronics. As a general overview of electronics analog and digital, there's a book I was given a long time ago that was a decent primer for complete beginners:https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Started-Electronics-Forrest-Mims/dp/0945053282As for stuff that you might consooooom to gauge your interest in a subject:https://www.youtube.com/@BenEater/videos - Digital electronics, mostly relating to computing, very informativehttps://www.youtube.com/@CuriousMarc/videos - Electrical engineer who does restorations of vintage electronics and also some explanation videoshttps://www.youtube.com/@ElectroBOOM/videos - EE guy, some explanation videos, mostly entertainment; you might learn somethinghttps://www.youtube.com/@learnelectronics - Does gear reviews, lots of tutorials and videos on useful circuits.>Is this any good?Decent recommendations, even see some textbooks I used in uni; though the wiki looks pretty small. If you want a more rigorous and academic approach, sure, but if you're a complete beginner to the math and physics I would recommend some of the stuff I linked.>>36208154>this one I would like to sink my teeth into but I don't know if it would be productive of me to pry. Either way..I'd be happy to tell you in a more private environment... not sure how I feel about it all being placed in a thread lol.>>36208202>Honestly picking images is always toughI wrote a script to scrape all of the images from a 4chan thread. I just use it on /wg/ and /w/ threads I find cool and download all the stuff from them. The downside is sometimes people post weird shit and it gets downloaded to your computer. There's gotta be way I can improve the script...
>>36210221Fuck. I forgot to add the post number for the post I was responding to. See below.>>36203757
This thread I will thrive and stay alive and do what needs to get done
Me and who
>>36208562i think i have NPD
>>36212621https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGDiezIWB-A&t=423s(skip to 7 minutes in for a list of other possible things it could be)
So, Siganon asked me how the rest of my weekend went. And I guess I would say it was a wash. On Saturday after I talked to my ex, I had dinner out with my mom and then we went home and watched a movie together. That was nice. On Sunday my sister came over to see our parents for Father’s Day, and I went out. My sister and I don’t get along, and I just refuse to spend time with her anymore. My parents have accepted this and just spend time with my sister and I separately. Just occupying myself out of the house for an afternoon cost me about $50. That got me food from a restaurant, a movie ticket, and a couple of Uber rides. I saw Furiosa and didn’t like it very much. Today was alright. I shipped some things I sold on eBay. The therapist I emailed on Friday responded and is willing to take me on as a client. I hung up a full body mirror in my room for fit checks. But this afternoon, I saw some Barbie movie merch in a store and it got me thinking about last summer, when I was living with my ex. Clearly I’m not done processing that chapter of my life.
>>36208571I'm going to do one load of laundry tomorrow. This is my goal for tomorrow - start the washer before I sit down for the day.
>>36209205>Yes, I've heard of that happening before, two guys I know irl have the same problem.Really? That's interesting. I've never met anyone with this particular issue, not even at mental hospitals. Honestly, I'm just glad that I don't have schizophrenia. I was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia for a while, and just hearing that really fucked with me.>Symptoms of that gravity are... heavy. I don't think anyone is meant to endure feeling that bad all the time.Yeah, well... I try not to look back on the years (decade?) I've lost to this stuff. There's a silver lining. I think it made me stronger than the average person. And I feel like I can still build a good life & future for myself.I still have some issues. While I've gotten a lot better, I'm still insecure. It used to be much worse (one negative comment was enough to make me question all of my life choices), but it still persists to a degree.>As confusing as it is to become a new person it's still a relief when it proves possible. Like a cloud lifting.That's a good way of putting it. That's really what it feels like.>>36208144>I don't wanna overemphasize the degree or anything of that sort, all of these things are pretenses and excuses to do other things ultimately (socialize, keeping busy)I get that. I guess that's why I'm considering it at all. I just wish I had a better plan than to enroll at a school to forget about the fact that I'll eventually have to get a real job again. >this is already all I really recommend and you are headed in a good direction no matter what if you keep that in mindThat's good to know. Maybe I shouldn't plan too far ahead. Life has a way of throwing out my plans anyway.
>>36212493Could be us
>>36213545Ok. I'm doing mine too RIGHT NOW.
>>36214133>Really?Somehow, yeah. Though to be fair both of them have other diagnoses as well, and with one of them it's a little up in the air whether it's that or something else.>I was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia for a whileWeirdly enough I can relate. I spent two years or so getting help through a special unit for young adults on the schizophrenia spectrum because of a nervous breakdown I had in combination with my (at the time) invisible physical disease and undiagnosed adhd. Going through that really fucks with your head... The way some of them try to forcefully fit you into the diagnostic criteria and refuse to listen is scary.>I think it made me stronger than the average person.If it's not too invasive to ask how do you feel like it has made you stronger? Only if you want to, of course. (I'm a bit curious because it's mostly the opposite for me)>>36213545>>36214745That's a good goal, I hope you make it anons >>36213508I don't have much to say but I think you're doing well at handling these things even if you aren't done processing them. It's cool to see you keep going.
>>36215158>The way some of them try to forcefully fit you into the diagnostic criteria and refuse to listen is scary.Goddamn, you're the first person I've talked to who gets that. Since they've already decided that you have schizophrenia, anything you say that goes against their prejudice is automatically delusional. It feels a lot like gaslighting, which is the last thing you need you're unwell. And there's just so much baggage associated with a schizophrenia diagnosis...I will say that I don't blame them too much in my case. I think psychotic symptoms in the context of psychotic depression and psychosis in the context of schizophrenia are really hard to differentiate, especially when you don't know someone very well. But for a nervous breakdown, ADHD and physical issues? That's pretty fucked, anon. I'm sorry the mental health system failed you so hard.>If it's not too invasive to ask how do you feel like it has made you stronger? Only if you want to, of course. (I'm a bit curious because it's mostly the opposite for me)Going through a lot of emotional turmoil has left me with a certain healthy ambivalence towards the comings and goings of life that most people don't have. Having experienced psychotic symptoms has left me with a certain critical attitude towards my own ideas/better metacognition and improved introspection.When I first started seeing my current therapist six years ago, she said that people with psychiatric illness are usually stronger for it in the end. I didn't believe her at the time. It just sounded like cope. But now I really feel like it's true. But you have to get better first. That's the hard part. That's the best way I can put it. Anyway, got any plans today, shinji-anon? What do you do anyway, if you don't mind me asking?
>>36215158>>36215684Oh right, just remembered that you said you do voice-over work. Nevermind
>>36215158I did it and just hung everything out. I need to voice train. I will start TODAY. But where do I start...
>>36208571>- prepare 1 load of laundry>- do 1 load of laundry>- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish>- eat a meal>- do the dishes for 3 minutesI hate living in this place that got much worse with the latest batch of housemates. Imagine living with your bullies. Could be worse, though. So I'm grateful it's not.>- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)That's 20% of my room's area, probably half of my floor. Makes it an easier and faster task to get it clean.>- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)It's raining, but I'll do that after a shower to make myself feel fresh.>- take out the trashDitto actually.>- reach out to an online contactWhen I'm back, I still have a thing a close friend wrote that I wanted to respond to.>- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)I'll aim for 4 pomodoros of the textbook.Ok, so that's:1. Make bed2. Shower and brush teeth3. Compact things to tidy up into one location.4. Do groceries so I have food to eat.5. Textbook.6. Respond to friend.And I need another to make it a lucky 7. Oh right, meditate.Thanks, OP.
>>36214745>>36215158Successfully started laundry. Today will be a better day.
>>36216177Fuck yeah!>>36216032Sweet! Well-done! You could always start on youtube. There's some great tutorials out there, for all kinds of voice training. You could also start by warming up your vocal chords a little.>>36215684>>36215970>you do voice-over workOh nah, it's not quite work-work yet. I've done it as a hobby and was looking into getting further into it because people irl kept asking me to kek>What do you do anywayFor the most part? I stay in my bed testing meds because it hurts if I sit or stand upright for too long. That's a bit of downer answer, but it is what it is lol>That's the best way I can put it.Thanks for indulging my curiousity - that was well-put. I guess it does have the benefit of helping people develop the mental skills to navigate hardships a bit better. Hmm. Food for thought (for me).>It feels a lot like gaslightingIt really does, yeah. Not only do you end up having to play along at times just to be heard, you also end up doubting whether you can truly trust your own perception of yourself anymore.Am I really right in fighting back when they misquote me in journals? Or am I just mad? Should I just let them do whatever they want because they know best?It's like being handed one surreal experience in response to another.>associated baggageYes. Either you're seen as a dangerous murderer or a fragile child living in a fantasy world. Or someone with DID, for some reason.Weirdest thing is when some health professionals lowkey believe it too.>hard to differentiateThere are definitely overlaps between a lot of diagnoses. Mine probably looked a little like it too, from the outside, even though I failed to meet the test criteria over and over.
I'm gonna graduate at 30 am I cooked
>>36216432Nah. Tons of people switch career paths, or have children, or end up sick or whatever, causing them to graduate later. My mom's friend just graduated at 55. It happens.
>>36216432Fine as long as you actually graduate
>>36216432I am never gonna graduate so you are good imo
I could use some help. Since I have no idea what to do with my life right now, I'll probably go back to school later this year. I have no idea what for. I made a pro and contra list for the degrees I'm looking at, and I could use an outside perspective. I know that no one can make this choice for me (and you people don't actually know me), but I'd just love some input based on the information provided. Any advice is greatly appreciated.>>36216432You're going to spend enough time in the office factory as it is. Literally who cares. >>36216431>Oh nah, it's not quite work-work yet. I've done it as a hobby and was looking into getting further into it because people irl kept asking me to kekAhh okay. I misunderstood. It might be worth investigating further, if you actually have connections that you could use.>I stay in my bed testing meds because it hurts if I sit or stand upright for too long. That's a bit of downer answer, but it is what it is lolyou say is lol but is actually not lolSeriously though, nothing is as destructive as a lack of structure. Do with that what you will.>you also end up doubting whether you can truly trust your own perception of yourself anymore.Yeah, that's pretty spot-on. You start second-guessing yourself. But you get over that with time.>Yes. Either you're seen as a dangerous murderer or a fragile child living in a fantasy world.I don't think the people close to you actually see you that way, even if you actually did have schizophrenia. And everyone else doesn't matter.Did you get your ADHD diagnosed at any point?
>>36216948This reads to me like you already made your choice as biomechanics? Who cares about no background, that's why you go to university.
>>36216948What do you mean by electric engineer personality?Also do you, or other anons, know if a "pure" math degree would be worse for job prospects than an applied one?I would do applied math on my own / doing physics problem / ai / programming and whatever else I can come up with for motivation with each subject (game theory for example would be very interesting to me).But for universities I'd rather have mostly if not only theory as I don't think they're good enough for anything else (at least here) so theyre not a waste of time, just my opinion and might very well be wrong.
>>36216948I'd go with applied mathematics for the sole reason that it is the one you seem the most excited about. When you're spending years on something you might as well opt for either the laziest or the most interesting options, to maximize the amount of fun you get to have in a day. Or at least that's how I see it.>nothing is as destructive as a lack of structureYeah it's uh... It's pretty bad, not gonna lie.>But you get over that with time.Getting further and further away from it really helps, yeah>I don't think the people close to you actually see you that wayHmm maybe not the people close to you, no, but I think what I was getting were common misconceptions or misrepresentations that may weigh on the mind when given (or being put into consideration for) the diagnosis.Unfortunately, in some places it does matter a bit what others think. I've had a few physical doctors dismiss my symptoms as a result of it being in my papers at the time they saw me.>Did you get your ADHD diagnosed at any point?By the schizophrenia unit? No. By another psychiatrist later on? Yes.I don't really know why, but ADHD wasn't a part tests they gave me back then. Think it might have been because they exclusively tested for mood- and personality disorders. That said: they did test me for pretty much all of them, even ones that didnt seem relevant.
>>36213398i dont its worth risking misdiagnosing myself with something else aswell, im only certain i have vulnerable narcissism
>>36216993>This reads to me like you already made your choice as biomechanics?Oh damn, really? I find the biomechanics degree interesting, but I actually considered it the odd one out -- mainly because I lack both the physics and probably also the biology knowledge at this point. So I am missing a lot of prerequisites.>>36217127>What do you mean by electric engineer personality?It's hard to explain. I worked with electrical engineers in the past, and -- like most jobs -- it attract a certain type of person. And I'm just not one of them? Maybe that's a stupid reason. Maybe it's a weird mental category. But it did come to mind.>Also do you, or other anons, know if a "pure" math degree would be worse for job prospects than an applied one?I think it depends on where you are. Where I am, a pure math degree is probably even better than an applied math degree. But both are really really good, job-wise. Take that with a grain of salt though, because that's just what I've heard on the grapevine and I don't have any personal experience in that regard. I also heard that pure math is not so great job-wise in the US. But I don't know, I should probably shut up lmao>>36217374>I'd go with applied mathematics for the sole reason that it is the one you seem the most excited about.It is currently my favorite. I guess I can try, and if I fail out after the first semester (statistically likely), I can still enroll for something else. Lose a semester at best ig. It might be worth a try. Thank you for the insight.
>>36217374>Yeah it's uh... It's pretty bad, not gonna lie.Hmm. Well, if you are actually bedridden anon, you probably belong in a hospital. I wouldn't know, I'm not a doctor. But I can tell you from experience that it's really goddamn hard to maintain structure if you don't have a job or at least some kind of thing to attend regularly. Do you think there's anything you can do to build some kind of structure? Even doing something small like going outside for ten minutes at a fixed time every day can help. I know what no structure at all feels like. It's hell.>I think what I was getting were common misconceptions or misrepresentations that may weigh on the mind when given (or being put into consideration for) the diagnosis.Totally, I get you anon. Even you yourself knowing what's associated with schizophrenia messes with the way you see yourself. But if your diagnosis was amended, you know for a fact that these things don't represent you as a person -- even if they are inaccurate and unfair towards people with actual schizophrenia to begin with.>I don't really know why, but ADHD wasn't a part tests they gave me back then. Think it might have been because they exclusively tested for mood- and personality disorders. That said: they did test me for pretty much all of them, even ones that didnt seem relevant.Huh, that's interesting. No one ever tested me for anything. They just had a five-to-ten minute conversation with me and gave me a diagnosis in the beginning. But my current therapist knows me well enough at this point that I trust her diagnosis, even without tests and those things. It took a long time to get to this point, but it's pretty great.Anyway, the important thing is that you have a fitting diagnosis at all and that schizophrenia is no longer on the table.
>>36213398it doesnt sound like any of these other things either
>>36216948Have you considered computer engineering? It's a neat intersection of electrical engineering and computer science that scratches my itch for both. Otherwise just do electrical engineering. If you have the aptitude, maybe even go for physics, a degree like that can be used for almost anything. I should say that I am very biased to all of these for various reasons c:
>>36218237I have considered computer engy, but the school in the city where I've got a room lined up doesn't offer it. What turns me off of EE is the physics thing... I'd have to get up to speed on two years of high school physics in uhh 3 months. Probably even more than that because I'd also have to revise high school physics before that (it's been forever). It's still not off the table but it does seem rough.
>>36218297If you like the math part of it EE I think is well worth it. The physics part is only really physics for the first bit. Then everything gets broken down into math. Your reward is when you learn to see the world in fourier space. It's kinda beautiful, when reality dissolves into waves and filters and for a second you can hear the music of the universeI don't even use this stuff formally at work or anything it's just a good way of understanding and breaking things down. I guess you probably learn this stuff doing applied math too, I guess EE is just that with more available jobs?
>>36218559>The physics part is only really physics for the first bit. Then everything gets broken down into math.That's good to know. I do have this naive idea that I can just learn the math necessary for the physics part and then "trust the algebra" so to speak, but I don't think it' works that way. I basically remember nothing from HS physics. The electrical engineer who attended the job interview for a dual studies program I had last week immediately pointed this out too. It might not be the best idea.>I guess you probably learn this stuff doing applied math too, I guess EE is just that with more available jobs?Well, I think EE has a more "direct" job route. It's very simple there: You get an EE degree and work as an electrical engineer in some capacity. From what I've gathered, with applied math, there isn't necessarily a direct job path? You kind of have to decide what to do once you get you degree. The most likely job for the degree I'm looking at it probably software, but you could also work as a data analyst, an actuary, in operations research, ... -- the world is your oyster.
>>36218733Kinda weird because in my head at least the maths and the physics are the same thing. I wonder what they thought your issue was. Is it just having a poor map between the math and the real world effect? I think physics should be easy to learn if you get the math because it's just pointing around and seeing the math that's happeningThat makes sense, I think it's more accurate to say it's maybe easier to get your foot in the door with EE because it's more of a direct map to some particular jobs so it's more likely the HR screening bot pattern matches that word. But besides that I imagine the course content and what you learn to do with it are very similar.
>>36216431ok i cant do it
>>36218790>Kinda weird because in my head at least the maths and the physics are the same thing.That's kinda what I assumed too. But I don't know a lot about physics, so I wouldn't know.>>36218790>besides that I imagine the course content and what you learn to do with it are very similar.Ehh... not really. At least the EE program at the school I'm looking at doesn't even require taking full real analysis and LA courses. It's just two two special engineering math courses (in the first and second semester) which cover some analysis topics and some LA. In the applied math major, you also take complex analysis, number theory, stochastics, discrete mathematics, computer-based algebra and two courses for real analysis and linear algebra respectively. Besides that, there's a focus on computer science software engineering. It's honestly closer to a compsci degree than an engineering degree, but still very different.
>>36218939>number theorySorry, not number theory. Numerical analysis (ESL moment)
>>36217833>if you are actually bedridden anon, you probably belong in a hospitalHmmm. Right now (as in: the past few days) it's not too bad, as long as I have something soft against my back. I can speak somewhat okay. I can read some of the time. I've even been able to walk around and eat more than a handful of food a day without passing out. I do go in and out of hospitals and ERs sometimes though. I've had to move back in with my parents partly because I have days where I can't walk, or talk, or eat, and partly because I can't get to the ER myself when it gets bad.>Do you think there's anything you can do to build some kind of structure?I don't know, honestly... I feel like I try, I set my alarm clock, I give myself small excercises like studying japanese, I try my best to keep track of appointments and documentation for uni and doctors - but then everything falls apart the moment I have to try new meds with heavy side effects, or when it's been too long since my latest round of antibiotics.It's really... uphill. >But my current therapist knows me well enough at this point that I trust her diagnosis, even without tests and those things.Nice, generally speaking I feel like that leads to a more useful experience as a patient. Professional online tests and stacks of papers with fill-in boxes easily go wrong, or fail to pick up nuance.
>>36218878Hey. There's always tomorrow, anon.Besides, working with your voice can be kind of intimidating if you aren't used to it.Do you have anything in particular that made you feel like you couldn't do it?
>>36219107>Right now (as in: the past few days) it's not too bad, as long as I have something soft against my back. I can speak somewhat okay. I can read some of the time. I've even been able to walk around and eat more than a handful of food a day without passing out. I do go in and out of hospitals and ERs sometimes though. I've had to move back in with my parents partly because I have days where I can't walk, or talk, or eat, and partly because I can't get to the ER myself when it gets bad.Man, it really does sound like you're in bad shape. What kind of illness is causing this, if you don't mind me asking?>I don't know, honestly... I feel like I try, I set my alarm clock, I give myself small excercises like studying japanese, I try my best to keep track of appointments and documentation for uni and doctors - but then everything falls apart the moment I have to try new meds with heavy side effects, or when it's been too long since my latest round of antibiotics.It's good that there are some small things you can do at least. You're learning Japanese? That's really cool! And uni is good. I imagine you can't go to lectures. How does that work?
I'm going to leave 4chan now. I won't be coming back.>inb4 see you tomorrow noBye everyone. May you have a good life & succeed in getting better & achieve your goals.
>>36220062Ah crap, I haven't settled down to respond to the thread yet! I hope you'll be reading when I do... If not, I genuinely wish you nothing but the best and hope I was any help at all up to this point.
>>36219464>>36220062Sorry for getting here too late, tim-anon.I guess I'll leave my answers in the wind, to avoid tempting you back in case you accidentally lurk. I had a good time. Go out there and be the best new you.
by the power of Fortnite and friendship I am become Tranny Gamer, destroyer of uhm uhm yeahI am the unrepressor nowI may never be freebut I will be me, someday
>>36188331>usually not the end of the world at allI suppose that makes sense. Thank you for your perspective.>Oh, to make sure ...Yes, you understand correctly. It still sounds very odd to me, but I appreciate the suggestion in any case.>I think having people to honestly talk about this ...Maybe. My mother doesn't think I look as bad as I say, but she also thinks that being visibly trans isn't a big deal these days, so idk. Anyway, with regards to my somewhat aimless self-improvement, I went outside every day this past week. I decided on three recipes and have made two of them so far. I've been looking at job listings but haven't yet found anything I think I would be any good at. Next I want to look into getting some new clothes, which I have neglected to some extent in the past with the reasoning "a man in women's clothing still looks like a man; a woman in men's clothing still looks like a woman". Hopefully that goes well. It's been difficult fighting with the part of me that wants to lay down and die, and I'm still afraid it's going to win again eventually.Thanks for reading my personal blog post, please like and subscribe.
>>36209380LEWD!>>36209156I just wanted to double check. Objectively the worst thing you could do is survive and have them rot in a retirement home.>>36208827I'm glad to hear you did! And yeah you definitely want to seek out people. I actually get questions related to making friends a lot and really feel like I am in dire need of making a more comprehensive overview of suggestions..>>36209205Oh yes, I like to scour boorus as well. Safebooru is where I usually save helltaker pics from which explains their file names. The media_ ones are from the one nitter instance that still works.> with a deep psychological need to physically goof around with our flock. 100%, yes! >>36210221> not sure how I feel about it all being placed in a thread lol.very fair. You know how to contact me?>There's gotta be way I can improve the script...Hmm.. I guess seeing the thumbnails for prescreening before dling it all in bulk and being able to uncheck selected ones would be what you want since it would be impossible to automate.>>36211435Oh, nice to see you again. I wish you all the best as well.>>36212621Do you have the option to get yourself checked?>>36213508Sounds like it was a bit meh weekend overall which transitioned into a overall okay Monday with a bittersweet end.. Hm, maybe I am misreading. I still wanna congratulate you and hope the therapist will be decent! My weekend was alright, but I continue to be a bit out of juice. >>36213545Rooting for you, keep us posted! <3>>36214745>>36216177Proud of you, I did mine as well today! I still need to do towels that arrived in the mail today but I plan to use a laundromat for that, this place has no dryer.>>36214133>Maybe I shouldn't plan too far ahead. Life has a way of throwing out my plans anyway.100% agreed.>>36216035You are most welcome, anon. I deeply, appreciate it and I am happy if it did you well!Sorry to hear about your living situation though, college? Family?
>>36216432So did I roughly, it is normal for a PhD where I am from. 3+2+4 years Ba+Ma+PhD, and that is if you don't lose a single year in your Ba, which many do.>>36220062Hm, I read the conversation you had with shinjianon but don't wanna butt in, and I think will zip it as well, I don't mean to tempt. Still, all the best, if you desire contact, i dunno about shinjinon but I am available through the server, my dms are always open.>>36221472Congratulations, anon. You did amazing, you really did. It's hard to take that leap of faith, you did it.>>36221484> It still sounds very odd to me, but I appreciate the suggestion in any case.I can gladly try to elaborate further if it makes you more confident in trying it out but I do strongly believe in the suggestion. >It's been difficult fighting with the part of me that wants to lay down and die, and I'm still afraid it's going to win again eventually.Right now you are knocking it out of the park fighting it. It is the many small, subtle, insidious thing that are dangerous and make us slip. Not treating ourselves when we need it, denying us things that make us happy, avoiding to take on opportunities out of fear or failure. You have dodged all of these in just that one post. You are doing the capital R Right thing.
>>36221472Me when there's another fortnite gamer
it's getting bad again>cannot stand being around people>can't focus on anything>cannot stand doing anything, just end up scrolling scrolling daydreaming gooning eating>if I leave the house the paranoid? thoughts get stronger (getting stared/laughed at etc)>can't hold a conversation>even more isolation than before, never leave my room>scatter brained>just end up staring at the wall talking to myself like a crazy person >it doesn't even come natural to me that I should do something, push myself to do something productive. I don't think about it, I just end up doing nothing. night comes once again, and I realize that I wasted another day. if I do have a fleeting thought, I have no drive to actually act on it.>ruin my sleep schedule again, my diet again, because I don't care anymore>preoccupied by how off I feel, how not human I am, reality is fake, humans are just atoms and nothing matters, how vulnerable I feel around people, >emptywtf do I do while I'm in this stage? all my progress just poof in one week
>>36208562Finished my second term of grad school with an A and a B+. One step closer to my masters. I have a week off from class, so I want to go hike one day. I think my relationship might be over. I'm chugging along, though. I've been going to the gym most days, but I'm taking the day off from it. I've been reading quite a bit, too.
>>36219202It's a "go clean the house" goal. I can't actually do it.
>>36221923You could just not answer my question instead of saying this copy paste shit
>>36223695sorry I fucked up I thought you were the other laundry anon (>>36216032 ). Hmm. Maybe you could focus on a tiny section of it, like the >>36208571 post suggests. A whole house is kind of a lot in one go.>>36221923>one nitter instance that still worksSomehow I didn't know this was a thing I thought all of nitter was dead. noted.>>36222122>dunno about shinjinon but I am available through the serverOh uh yeah, I'm nowhere kek. Uh. I guess if I do end up making a throwaway I'll just be shinjianon in there if anyone needs me. not sure if that ends up happening. we'll see.>>36223357This probably seems a little overwhelming or pointless but:For now, if you can push yourself to go for groceries sometimes that can be a great way of doing something productive that isn't 'big'.You don't have to buy anything, really, you can just go in and browse to get acclimated to the feeling of reality again. There's not a lot of conversation required, and most people are too busy shopping to pay you any mind.>fear of getting laughed at.If you have specific parts of yourself that make you feel like this you could try covering them up for the time being. dark hoodies, face masks, sunglasses and beanies don't have to look ridiculous or sus if you choose the right ones.
>>36225521>I thought you were the other laundry anonYou didn't fuck up. It's not clear how to make a Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound goal related to it.>>36216032>>36218878>>36223695
post theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Df5V40-VYIHello. Back again. Still sober. Almost 6 months.These past six months have been slow and monotonous. I'm sad and frustrated every single day. Yet, I stay sober. Things aren't going well with my girlfriend, but I'll stay sober no matter what happens. I'm not sure if we're incompatible or if I'm just not ready for a relationship. Maybe I'm just accustomed to stagnation.At least I've achieved a lot of small goals. I'm no longer fearing over my finances. I'm at my lowest weight, ever. I was pretty heavy when I was drinking. Or at least, my definition of heavy. I always forget that I have a lot of dysmorphia issues. Even at my heaviest, I was described as "not that fat" or "not fat at all." The mind loves to play tricks on us, but I feel good now.I've been to the club more often. It makes me happy. I don't go to "party" or anything. I just go for the music. I always appreciated the local underground music scene. It'd be a shame if I had to give that up for sobriety. I got through every event sober. A huge win in my book. I wish it wasn't seen as weird to have a night life exclusively for the music. Since I'm at my six month mark, I've decided to plan a little vacation for next year. By then, I'll be 1+ years sober. I really miss going to music festivals. Always wanted to go alone, but the cost of alcohol alone always prevented me from making those plans. It all seems so affordable now.It's not much, but a crude drawing that looks similar to my old life is finally manifesting. Although, I dont want my "old life" back anymore. I want whatever the future has in store for me. I'm just borrowing elements from the past. The things I enjoyed. No sense destroying my entire core. I can leave the bad memories behind, expand on the good ones and make some new.Life's hard. I'm always sad. Sometimes I want to give up and relapse, but I wont. I wanna see what happens next. No matter how much it hurts.
>>36225665Another thing came to mind:I find the odd number of coincidences in my life to be too perfect to be ignored. I don't believe in "God" nor a higher power of any kind. Or at least, not the way it's been taught to me.Six months ago I got soberSix months after that, the statute of limitations prevents my car accident from furthering my dismay (If I'm lucky. I'm not putting all my hope here.)Exactly One year after my car accident, I attend the same venue, for the same event, for the same headliner.The same Headliner I drunkenly ditched my ex to go seeThe same ex whose breakup caused me to relapse and never come backsix months after that break up, I got into my car accidentSix months after that Car accident I got soberIt all comes full circle. Dates align too well. I should have died in that car accident. No one could explain why I didn't even have a scratch (except the one on my arm which occurred when I crawled out of the wreckage)Good things happen in increments of sixor 3?I wonder what's going to happen six months from now. Six months from now, almost to the date, I will be at a music festival during a vacation I'm planning as described above.I'll be sure to be extra vigilant of myself during that time. A music festival would be the perfect place to relapse. I don't want to relapse. I want to live.
>>36225551My mind is still a little sleepy please bear with me: The house cleaning was just a metaphor for the voice training then, yeah? Hmm.You're right: that's not exactly clear.I guess maybe something like:>Specific, measurable, achievable, time-bound: Watch a specific list or series of tutorials, practicing specific techniques for a set amount of time each day/other day/week. Record 1 sentence at the end of each week/month and use it as study material and comparison for future recordings. If you are unsatisfied with your progress, try narrowing down specific qualities of your voice that you want to change: vibrato, pitch, cadence, etcetera.>relevant:guess it's relevant by virtue of you wanting to acquire a skill? not sure.
>>36225709>relevant:>guess it's relevant by virtue of you wanting to acquire a skill? not sure.quick google shows me>Relevant (reasonable, realistic and resourced, results-based).i.e. synonyms to make it fit the bill, but another one is closer to the intention, imo:>Relevant: Goals should move you in the direction of your values, dreams, and ambitionsand I'll be arrogant enough to state my objectively correct opinion: a relevant goal is one that moves you toward the outcome you want to achieve - in this case, have a passing voiceI like what the GTD guys did: 1) everything is considered a project, from "pass" down to "shower today"2) for most stuff to (imo) prevent analysis paralysis and similar, they just force their planning down to two things: a) what's the outcome (a state when I can say "yes done")?b) what's the immediate next step (something physical, visible, as small as necessary for me to be able to do it)?hmm it's too early in the day for me, this is sort of meandering
>>36225709>do dishes today -> clean 1 dish now>clean house this week -> clean 1 room now>do all the laundry on the weekend -> do 1 load of laundry now>start voice training -> ???And S.M.A.R.T is just the random acronym I remembered for making actionable tasks, everything needs to be considered in context of course.
>>36225798I've found some videos that could maybe be your "1 dish" (/1 video)>5 min short, non-trans voice coach explaining exerciseshttps://youtu.be/mLd7hlwc1TI?feature=shared>long video with theory and excercises, seemingly another person with professional knowledge https://youtu.be/1PNnBRBfOVY?feature=shared>longer video by transwoman with exerciseshttps://youtu.be/610XcjG2jms?feature=shared>shorter video by transwoman with exerciseshttps://youtu.be/5aCDuzN0lds?feature=sharedThere's probably better ones out there but it's a start. I imagine the voice training threads on this board might have a better, more well-curated list of resources somewhere but I don't know
>>36225798>>36226033nta but this is awesome, exactly what I need when I get overwhelmed and can't start
Bump.
>>36221923>Do you have the option to get yourself checked?i think i can only afford one therapy session right now, i will go soon, but i don't expect him to arrive at a conclusive diagnosis in one session
bumo
I wish i didnt force myself to abandon the only people who could potentially be my friends and understand my life.Now I have nobody, until my friend returns home in December.And I literally cant go backI am aloneAnd I am so jealous.I wish they even bothered to feel my absence. Or maybe thats just not something people do. i wasnt important anyway.
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I can't talk today. I don't know whether I will be around tomorrow or Sat either but I will be back eventually.Please bear with me.
>>36232618take care of yourself, anon. also I like the demon face under the bench
>>36221923>very fair. You know how to contact me?Uh, no. Do you have matrix or something?>Hmm.. I guess seeing the thumbnails for prescreening before dling it all in bulk and being able to uncheck selected ones would be what you want since it would be impossible to automate.Immediately thought about that after I posted lol
anyone know any good exercise routines for (trans) women? im already pretty skinny and really just want to focus on general health, flat tummy, and bigger butt.tried doing some research but all i can find is strength nerds and i just want a simple workout routine, nothing crazy.
>>36234666also i should specify i would prefer an at-home routine without machines
>>36232618take care and take your time sig-anon>>36231170>And I literally cant go back>I wish they even bothered to feel my absence. Or maybe thats just not something people do.Maybe they do. Maybe they feel like you do - unable to reach out, afraid it wasn't as important to you as it was to them. Reaching out to people you think are cool but don't quite know as friends yet can feel pretty daunting.But: there's also the chance that life keeps them too busy and exhausted to pay much mind to anything but the present. That happens a lot, with friends and potential friends alike. Doesn't mean people wouldn't like to hang out - they're just too tired to do anything about it if it takes more than 5 minutes of effort.If you're feeling really bold anon, shoot them a message. Tell them you thought they seemed cool, and that you liked being around them/would like to hang out if you cross paths again.It might feel cringe but it's the only way of letting them know, and the best way of increasing your chances of seeing them again.
>>36232618Please please please, take care of yourself AnonWhatever you are going through...I hope you can see it through!Stay safe
>>36234666>>36234766well. uh. hrm.... Don't ask me why the first thing I remembered was an 8 year old video of a former gaijin model/fashion idol in japan, but uh - here it is.https://youtu.be/qM-NOwNxpeg?si=VElJd8I8oYbt9zbSOther than that if you have small stable box or something you can use it as a platform for doing simple step bench exercises. Afaik those are great for butts.
pg 9 bump timeremember to drink your water. it's good for you.
>>36234666https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ui8OO-N47AkI think is one of the best I've found on it.
I think i fell for a trans person uhm, what can i do to support him probably wrong thread but this seemd like a good spot to ask
>>36208562I want a cigarette
>>36239119I suggest making a thread of your own to get more answersbut without knowing anything else about him, just treat him how you would any other guy while keeping in mind he is likely has insecurities about how he looks and is perceived. we mostly just want to feel like normal guys and girls
bump
>>36239327How come, anon? Cravings fucking suck though, always. And it is always admirable to fight these things.
>>36223357sounds almost like you are dissociating hard, anon. Your progress is not gone probably but relapses into old habits happen. Do you have someone who can push you into frequent conversations for example? That said, of course it sucks, and you have my heartfelt sympathy.. >>36223443Glad to hear! It sounds like things are overall going your way for the most part. As for your relationship, were you two in the feeling things out stage or how are things between you? Though I don't mean to pry too much, I'd listen if you feel I could add anything worthwhile.>>36224603Your question is ultimately unanswerable. I get my response was a little cliche I suppose.. I am sorry. >>36225521nitter.privacydev.net is the only one that still seems to work. >not sure if that ends up happening. we'll see.don't feel pressured to. I never liked discord but I keep it around. >>36225665>>36225707Theme, huh... I think I'll go for this: https://youtube.com/watch?v=jDrtNY6TrFI>The mind loves to play tricks on us, but I feel good now.Hmm, my usual first check is BMI, and if it is below 20 I tend to ring alarm bells. It is not super accurate but a good first line of defense. The other thing is ofc studying intake for a bit and just measuring. Looking at what you eat and such for a bit. I often find these things useful but I am a numbers autism sort of person.> I really miss going to music festivals. it sounds like a wonderful idea!>. I'm not sure if we're incompatible or if I'm just not ready for a relationship.Would you like to talk about it? Do you have a shared friend group?>>36225707There is poetry to it at the very least, and through that, there is meaning. Meaning is made after all. Also, I have a thing for odd numbers. A lot of my career related to the number 3 in particular. Also, completely unrelated to all of it: are you often bored?>>36228581It's true but it def is a start! What are your circumstances like generally to build towards affording more?
It seems I caught up.. goodnight everyone.>>36236475>>36236820>>36232745Thank you all. No need to be scared, I will be fine, promise. You are all too kind... I am always openly struggling when I am but I promise to keep myself as safe as I can.>>36233739I do have discord for better or worse (there people can dm me through the server) but I absolutely do have matrix. I just try not to post my handle so if you could throw me some trash mail or something it will find its way to you.>>36234666We have a book for butt shaping exercises including dl link in the resource paste, if you like.
>>36242939>Also, completely unrelated to all of it: are you often bored?to say "extremely" would be an understatement. Before alcohol took over, I had friends. A girlfriend. A car and routine. Alcohol made every moment feel like "the first time" and I was addicted to the high of feeling constantly excited. So drunk so often that I couldn't even comprehend how drunk I was at all times.I try to have fun. I've been playing more video games. Going to more music events, alone. I'm trying. I have a feeling my brain chemistry just doesn't work like it used to. I don't even desire intimacy anymore. I'm disassociated with everything.I haven't made a meaningful connection outside of romantic relationships in years. I don't have friends anymore. I have people I'm friendly with, sure, but as we've discussed in previous threads I'm very avoidant. I'm getting more and more boring as time goes on.Even today, I thought about my ex and why it didn't work out. I just felt really, really stupid for being so selfish in that relationship. The breakup was brutal but in retrospect I was a really boring and stressful partner to be with. I still miss her, I want to talk to her without romantic intentions but I feel like she doesn't even want to talk to me. She's going to be in my area soon and she didn't ask me to go see her. If she wanted to see me, she'd have asked.It hurts being forgotten. I really don't have anyone. I'm still iffy about the girl I'm currently with, but this time it's not my fault so I have that going for me.
>>36242939>>36243954Forgot to reply to this portion.>Would you like to talk about it? Do you have a shared friend group?I don't really have friends that close anymore, so I tend to keep my feelings bottled up. I don't have access to therapy or medication, so even if I need antidepressants I cant get any. The last time I tried antidepressants, I was heavily drinking so they had no effect.In the past, before alcohol, a lot of my friends would avoid listening to my problems. Although they were more than happy to trauma dump on me. I've always been the ignored one, not in a resentful way though. It just seems like that's my role in friendships. The listener.
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my psych is switching me to vyvanse. he thinks the symptoms i described are more related to my adhd than my bipolar disorder. i'm willing to try it again but i'm nervous it will just make me cranky but idk what else to do. all i do is scroll mindlessly and jerk off bc those are the two easiest ways to get dopamine at this point
>>36246973i guess sig related because i'm trying something new since what i've been doing isn't working. i go to the gym and eat right but it feels like i'm going through the motions even if it's good for me. i don't feel good or better afterwards but i do keep trying because i hope it'll flip a switch or something
>>36241879It's something to do. If I go outside on a walk, am I just supposed to do nothing? I feel like maybe it was healthier to go outside even whilst smoking than never at all.
>>36247921Go explore. See things you've never seen before, assuming the area is safe. Make every walk an adventure :)
>>36208562Tonight I dreamed about weird stuff, something school/camp at some weird building whatever.Anyway, in that dream I saw two girls who I thought were trans, but I wasn't sure, they passed really well. I tried to befriend them, but woke up not too long after...Which had me think about how much I hate society. And I really am not sure if it's a bad thing to hate society and humanity.My life was ruined because of the sociopathic tendency of humanity. Had they, 80-90% of humans, not been sociopathic monsters, I'd have gotten treatment early in my life, and my life would've been relatively good.Instead, especially 20 years ago, it was very debatable if trans people deserved to live or not.Even today it's "political" when it comes to determining if trans lives matter or not, and I don't mean in the way of "black lives matter", but even more basic like that. "Do trans people have a right to get medical intervention?", "if their lives do matter, what ratio is this, 1:100 cis/trans lives?", etc.I did go to a "therapist" for social and self issues that being late transitioning trans has brought upon me. And I told her that I thin at least around 20% are completely against trans, and maybe 30% are only somewhat against trans. She was sceptic... But I'm not so sure, I think I'm right, but maybe even a little "nice" on that scale.Anyone who doesn't support very early trans care is extremely transphobic, they do not consider the lives of trans people to matter. There's just no argument to even negotiate on that stance. It might even be around 60-80% who still don't believe trans people deserve to live.So, is it really actually bad to hate humanity and society? Or is it an actually reasonable stance?Find some good people, and then reject the rest of society, and humanity.And on that, does the environment really matter? I think I prefer humanity to go extinct. By the time the environment really becomes a problem I'll be dead anyway, so it doesn't matter to me.
>>36248772I've been everywhere (within walking distance)
Hello, recently I have been overcome with guilt because of a memory that has returned, I was groomed online when I was a kid, it started when I was 14 and it ended when I turned 16. I also discovered hardcore pornography when I was 9, anyways, the people who groomed me always got off on me being young right, they all had fucked up fetishes and they were all horrible, but recently, I remembered that whilst this was going on, whilst I was being groomed, when I was about 15, alongside them making me do fucked up stuff for them, I also was looking at really fucked up pornography, and honestly I feel very guilty. I feel as if that was my choice to look at that, as if this now makes me a horrible person, they didn't directly tell me to look at it, I looked at it myself, I don't know how to feel.
>>36250235I like this pic
>>36251748Planetes is cute
Page 10!
How's everyone's Friday going so far?
After a lots of suffering, accured by Davinci Resolve (editing), I've made a first KSP 2 video.Now I'm not sure if I should just upload it to the void of youtube, or say anywhere that I'm doing a series.The purpose is pretty much to learn some video editing, but a lot about public speaking, and getting used to the idea of uploading videos.That is because I feel like I'll need to do youtube videos for my future game dev career. Using high quality dev logs, and general educational videos, to get some "free" publicity that could boost sales number/wishlists.
bump!
>>36256917bumps you
>>36254928Shit ngl. Boyfriend visits tomorrow and I'm starting to have doubts. I just want to be alone. Start over. I doubt I'll ever meet the person I'm looking for, at least my books keep me company and keep my mind occupied. Better to be alone and a loser than be stuck like this.
friendly bump. I think I might go to the hospital again soon unless I can keep things in check until wednesday. stay safe sig.>>36258557this is the best thank you
>>36246995Keep a journal, not on your phone or computer though, using pen & paper. I don't know why but it's much more effective. This way you're able to keep track of what you've been trying and any effects (good or bad or nothing), eventually you're bound to see at least one effect. It's hard to recognize this stuff in hindsight so you have to do it regularly.>>36250038>is it really actually bad to hate humanity and society? Or is it an actually reasonable stance?Don't think it's that unreasonable, life is absurd and society even moreso. Lots of people choose to not participate in society as much as possible (think those who live in a cabin in the woods, in a commune or aboard a boat). The environment may not matter to you but it's important for future generations (again, may not matter to you). Whether humanity goes extinct or not due to it is something neither you nor me will have any impact on regardless.>>36255011If you want to go into game development, why don't you start with developing games rather than an analogous skill? You can make a very simple game today using the Scratch engine and over time learn Godot for free using online tutorials etc.>>36258681Why are you having doubts?
Finally finished my nanoblock cyndaquil and feel motivated to work on my model kits now :3
>>36261100>If you want to go into game development, why don't you start with developing games rather than an analogous skill?I'm going to, but I feel very exhausted by having to do stuff all the time. Right now I kind of just want to play some games for a bit, and doing video's for it might be fun, and healthy.I have looked at bit into Unity DOTS, and will continue in maybe a week. While I want to make games, trying to figure out game development, and making games, is still going to be draining, and I don't have much to drain at the moment.
Hi /sig/. Panty here. I sold a couple of boxes of nerd stuff earlier this week. I also had my first session with that new therapist. It was mostly me just introducing myself, but one helpful thing she said was that getting rid of my nerd stuff could be a “grieving process,” meaning it’s alright that I might be sad about making this change. It’s tough. I want the closet space for other things, but when I look through the boxes it’s all happy memories. I’m intending to cook some turkey-zucchini meatballs today. (I’ll have to try a new recipe sometime soon). I might be going clothes shopping at a mall sometime next week.
>>36263411>I sold a couple of boxes of nerd stuff earlier this week.why?
>>36263606Yeah, I’m not sure if I explained it here. If I did it was a couple of threads ago. I had to move back in with my parents, and my room with them doesn’t have space for all the books, comics, videos and toys I’d accumulated over the years. And I decided I to get rid of some things. I could have just packed everything up and held onto it, but I didn’t want to keep stuff in the hope that someday I would have the space to properly enjoy it. Also, I’d been focusing on collecting this stuff instead of working on my transition, and I want to put more time and money into that again. I’m not trying to ditch my “malebrained hobbies” for the sake of it. I have practical reasons for doing this.
Post theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knoY821NpYcOne step closer to freedom.So I'm officially 6 months sober now. I just paid for an SR-22 (full year). I'm going to apply for my license on monday or tuesday. Maybe wednesday. I was afraid the insurance would have costed an arm and a leg but it only costed me half a week's worth of wages for the whole year. Aside from my next car and full coverage insurance, it seems like my head's finally truly above water.I remember posting here for the first time around 2 months of sobriety and how hopeless I felt. I can't believe exactly 12 months ago I was black out drunk getting arrested by cops, crying and begging for my mom like some scared little kid.I'm never going to be that girl again. Ever. I'm ready to be the woman I should have been years ago.It took me six long months to get sober. On Christmas I gave myself the gift of sobriety. Now everything's falling into place. I lost an entire year of my life, even more if you count the drinking. Some people never stop drinking. Some people stop at age 40, 50, 60, etc. Not everyone gets to come back from the hell I put myself through.I lost everyone, everything. If I lose more, at least I can't blame alcohol. I'm so done. So done being who I was. I'm ready to move forward.
>>36208562>june 2024>have achieved nothing all year>can't go to grad school>but am now unemployedwell let's see if i can somehow get competent in ML in 6 months even though i had 2 years and i've made no progressi should really just give up and go work at a hedge fund or something
It is what it is friends, I didn't enjoy it one bit, see you all next time.
>>36265970Please stay where you areYou posted here so i assume you at least arent 100% sure
>>36265985lovely dovey
>>36265970Please don't, anon. What is up? Which one are you?
>>36266162Just like you areSay why don’t you tell me what are you doing around here? I wanna know genuinely
>>36265970rip troon-chan
am alive, will post again later today.
I need more breakthroughsThis stupid flesh and bones needs to do more than consumeI am so jealous of others and yet unable to even talk to people about anythingI should have been woprking on things but I delay and harm myself for no real reason.Ofc I wouldnt feel good about transition, i barely feel like I am doing anything, I still feel like a faggot male, and it is painful.And then there is all the other things...like uni and self care and all that jazz. Work security. A good job. All the wasted time gnaws at me and tells me that this is the best i can do...that I had my chances.I need SOMETHING new to do. Something to make the procrastination of things go away.
>>36261100That's a nice picture of Terry. Poor guy got dealt a bad hand.>Why are you having doubts?I don't think I'm really that attracted to him. The first time we started catching feelings I said we could date. I just kind of wanted to see where things would take us. I started to feel like we occupy different worlds though. I don't find myself drawn to the things he does, I am beginning to resent certain quirks of his, and sex is meh. I like him, he's cool as a friend, but he took things kind of fast and I just feel like he loves me more than I love him. It's a shit state of affairs. I need to let him down one of these days, but he's so sweet, I really don't want to break his heart, and that's what I've always found hard. He deserves better than me.
>>36270445are you okay sig-anon? been kinda absent lately
im pretty sure dota ruined my chances of getting a phd. undergrad was dark times and if anything, dota helped trap me in this hole. it literally was the modern day cocaine for me. of course, the fault ultimately lies with me but oh boy did i abuse the shit out of playing dota. depressed? dota. failed a test? dota. panicking before a test? dota. and then there was the pursing of higher and higher mmr. the grind of getting better, reacting faster, thinking smarter, all for the sake of dota. what are the meta heroes? what builds are pros using? how should i farmed, maybe i should check up rtz/ee's stream to see. when do i rotate? how do i split push? all of this so i can become the better player. but fast forward a few years later, all i have is dota. i am a better dota player yes, i probably can have some real life transferable skills, like efficiency and what not. but at the end of the day, i no longer have the credentials to succeed in life. i am a better dota player, but not a better person. i don't have the grades, i don't have the network to succeed. i am swamped in debt, which a part time job probably couldve helped throughout undergrad. this sucks. life now sucks.
>>36273798>im pretty sure dota ruined my chances of getting a phd.playing dota was one of my biggest regrets. i wasn't even goodbut it captured how hard i wasted my life in undergradi hated uni lol
I'm still working, I loss progress on my others goals, but I'm happy enough just ng off my debt. I caught myself at the right time, I can afford to paid it off at faster rate. Not as fast I like to but I know I can constantly get ahead of the interest I pay. If I didn't act when I did it, it could be impossible. My life is little boring only working day to day, but I have gotten into stardew valley with someone, Its a beautiful thing for me to look forward to on the weekends. Junko is right about the farming and I can do a little gay ranching myself in the game too, i Iike learning the game and the simple life :) ...we danced too :3>>36225665 >>36225707 >>36243954>>36264939>I got through every event sober You have came a LONG way since starting, I hope you know that. I remember we talked about not being able to trust ourselves or with friends to drink at events. I got scared that you were set in your ways, but you are more discipline then you give yourself credit for. Music is a good reason to go, its fun to dance, I wish I was better at it. Don't let the average actions of the public dictate your own. I fucked up my life alot doing that. You have your own way at the club, everyone does. I like to talk with people but the music is too loud for me.>I don't believe in "God" nor a higher power of any kindI dont't too but I tend to refer to that as the "universe", its like a self regulate system that encompass everything, down to the small details of own lives. There are just signs at times in ours lifes for us to listen to for advice. The more you listen to them, the more of the whole system you understand and your part and actions in it. But thats how I view it, wanted to share it, since you may take some thing from it. >I want to talk to her without romantic intentionsYou should tell her that if she is still dear to you, if she don't hate you straight up. Maybe she is open to it but still need time. there could be a feeling of disconnect from both sides.
>>36273798>>36273870I wasted my entire uni lifetime on computer games, blog posting on 4chan about me depression/repression and watching dopamine trash like anime and youtubeNot much has changed but I know one thing is true, that you can start doing things no matter what.Its a long road and yeah stumbling makes things worse. but it is not the end.Things are worse but they always are before they get better.
I think the best kind of happiness is the relief when you learn someone you love is doing alright again and that things will be ok now.
>>36274864For me, it's when something that appears to be a cancerous mole turns out to simply be a speck of dirt that rubs off.
>>36243954Oh right, I remember now.. I only had a vague recollection left in my head, thank you for reminding me. > I had friends. A girlfriend. A car and routine.Hm, you already have one back, another i the works and the third definitely well on its way, at least. > I don't even desire intimacy anymore. I'm disassociated with everything.I think you likely need some grounding. I mean, you already noticed that alcohol did very much freeze your emotional processes in place, I would assume the feeling of dissociation is another layer to it that is not chemical. Relearning to let yourself feel things is fucking hard. I know you grieved, but letting yourself cry, which might make you relive unpleasant moments safely, might open the floodgates. >I'm getting more and more boring as time goes on.Maybe I am strange for thinking this way but I think it might be unhealthy of you to think yourself as boring. I have been anticipating your every update, your circumstances and your valiant , ongoing efforts are inspiring. You also sometimes have a way with words I enjoy. You have a story to tell, but you are more than that, too. People often forget that to be an interesting conversation partner does not mean being full of interesting things to say, necessarily. It is enough if you can pull out what is interesting about the other person and engage with it. If you can get enjoyment out of other people and communicate it, they will take pleasure in engaging with you. Because EVERYONE loves to be exciting and enjoyable of course. If you feel empty, you can fill yourself with the stories of others. I constantly draw from foreign experiences. > I'm still iffy about the girl I'm currently withmind telling me a bit more about it?> so I tend to keep my feelings bottled upit's a vicious cycle, and puts strain on any relationship. >I don't have access to therapy or medicationwill that chance soon, you think?(1/2)
>>36243981>Although they were more than happy to trauma dump on me. >I've always been the ignored one, not in a resentful way though. >It just seems like that's my role in friendships. The listener.I suppose that is the big caveat of what I just suggested, you have been thoroughly burned by people relegating you to listener only when your cup was overflowing, so to say. That is not okay, and indicates a lack of emotional maturity in your old peer group. I mean I am not saying everyone has the capacity to listen to deeply emotional stuff, life can be a lot, but you are perfectly in the right to be upset if people only ever dump but don't actually engage. It will take trial and error, and weeding out those that don't play along. Hell, I would love to one day orchestrate an IRL sig meetup.. but... no dice. I wish I could get to know each and every one of you up close. I am just so spread thin.. But god do I appreciate you all from afar.>>36246973>>36246995It is all very much on topic and VERY much encouraged, anon! As the other anon said, keeping records to measure progress is important. And it can be a conversation starter with people around you. I used my diet in small talk and people eventually complimented me on the results.>>36247921If it is health, then the question is what your physical fitness is like? If the surroundings are not exciting, then what about exercise? Something simple to build up stamina? Runner's high can really resonate with people. I am more the kind of person that enjoys having a place of comfort, a fav cafe for example is my go-to.
>>36250038You are deeply, DEEPLY hurt by your past experiences. You are right to be angry at the world, and feel resentment, but at the same time you can tell it can poison us from within.The way I cope with the way life is is creating my own spaces and sanctuaries, trying to support those that matter to me. Honestly, be it spite, defiance, or simply compassion for those you know have suffered like you, I find that resentment exhausts over time. I still do resent some of the world for many things, but I try to focus on doing good. And.. it has been a tremendous boon to my well-being.>>36250453First of all, you genuinely do not need to feel guilty about it, or ashamed. It is a common side effect of having experienced what you experienced. Lots of people are followed by urges to watch these things well into adulthood. If you apparently shook it off that is a good thing but ultimately it is a normal coping mechanism of those that experienced that type of trauma as far as I have seen. It's not your fault. And as you let yourself be helped and as you overcome all this will be the past. You hurt nobody, and the choice and accountability you feel is more illusory than you think. You were a minor, and on top of it like I said it is a common cope.>>36254928I'm a bit late but my Friday was extremely busy for me. Pulled a loved one out of a very difficult set of circumstances. It's a pretty drawing by the way.>>36260867All the best, anon! <3>>36262099Oh cute, I heard of those before but the cyndaquil is particularly adorable. I also like the articuno!>>36263411> meaning it’s alright that I might be sad about making this change. ever thought of holding a symbolic funeral for some things? Maybe keep some small things you are most emotional for around? It would distill your collection to what you truly hold dearest.>>36265248>>can't go to grad schoolhow come?
sig anon is PAWesome
Gosh you are all so worried... I appreciate it but when I go quiet it is because I take care of myself, I promise. Lots of love to everyone, and a good night.>>36272324Do you have an accountability partner or loved one to push you?You mentioned> yet unable to even talk to people about anythingafter all, so the question is what makes you avoidant so to say.What patterns do you observe in the ways you procrastinate? I recently looked through a couple websites for resources on this stuff from several websites but I find their formats extremely wonky and am in parts not sure about them in general, I need to read more carefully.>I need SOMETHING new to doare you sure it needs to be new>>36273207I have been struggling but it is getting better now, bit by bit! This anon >>36274864 funnily enough nailed it. I was stressed from work and fearing for a loved one. Things are looking up now.>>36277325Thank you anon.. I appreciate it.
>>36277180>>>can't go to grad school>how come?academic record is way too bad
Posting here too because I want advice:Im trying to lose weight and get nice and slim without going to the gym. Is walking for 1hr a day and fasting the way? Will doing 3 sets of 30 unweighted squats give me a bigger butt? I'm new to this whole exercise thing. I only ate below 1000 calories today. I want to be sexy.I avoid gym because I'm shy. I want to make my physique more twinkish and slim and heard cardio was the way.
>>36277180>ever thought of holding a symbolic funeral for some things?That made me laugh at first, but in all seriousness, it’s not a bad idea! We’re talking grief, let’s have a funeral. I’ll eulogize the stuff I’ve gotten the most attached to. I do intend to keep some things, and in picking things to get rid of, I am working my way up from the things I care the least about keeping to the most. But I think having “funerals” for some things will help.
bumpp
I wish I had a real life in the real world and that internet friends were really here
>>36281543why can't you make your internet friends real?
>>36281543same except I wish I had internet friends too instead of slowly drifting away
>>36282090They're all in other countries very far away
>>36208562Around what time is it appropriate to switch from male to female for determining body fat%/TDEE? I'm starting to experiment with intermittent fasting (2 days/week at 1/3 normal calorie consumption. ) and it would be helpful to know if I should be basing my body fat and calories on female basis. 18 months hrt.
>>36283226lets be internet friends anon
>>36284135You can measure your body fat %. Alternatively, I calculate it by taking a moving average of my calorie intake and weight, the difference in weight each day and from this can calculate TDEE. No code tags on /lgbt/ but whatever:import pandas as pddata = { # example data 'day': range(1, 31), 'weight': [70, 69.8, 69.7, 69.6, 69.5, 69.4, 69.3, 69.2, 69.1, 69, 69, 69, 68.9, 68.8, 68.8, 68.7, 68.6, 68.5, 68.5, 68.4, 68.3, 68.3, 68.2, 68.2, 68.1, 68.1, 68, 68, 67.9, 67.8], 'calories': [2000, 2100, 2050, 2000, 1950, 2000, 2100, 2050, 2000, 1950, 2000, 2100, 2050, 2000, 1950, 2000, 2100, 2050, 2000, 1950, 2000, 2100, 2050, 2000, 1950, 2000, 2100, 2050, 2000, 1950]}df = pd.DataFrame(data)window_size = 7 # increase as you track for longerdf['weight_moving_avg'] = df['weight'].rolling(window=window_size).mean()df['calories_moving_avg'] = df['calories'].rolling(window=window_size).mean()df['weight_change'] = df['weight_moving_avg'].diff()df['caloric_adjustment'] = df['weight_change'] * 7700 / window_sizedf['tdee'] = df['calories_moving_avg'] + df['caloric_adjustment']df = df.dropna()print(df[['day', 'weight_moving_avg', 'calories_moving_avg', 'tdee']])Example output: day weight_moving_avg calories_moving_avg tdee...16 17 68.828571 2028.571429 1965.71428617 18 68.757143 2035.714286 1957.14285718 19 68.685714 2021.428571 1942.85714319 20 68.614286 2007.142857 1928.57142920 21 68.542857 2007.142857 1928.571429...
>>36284387don't these libraries have builtin functions for moving average?alternatively, isn't it more efficient to do it in a spreadsheet for easier data entry unless you are populating this programmatically
>>36284172yeah, let's give it a shot, got a discord or throwaway email or something?
>>36284414df['weight'].rolling(window=window_size).mean() seems pretty builtin to me. I just store everything in plain text files but you could use a spreadsheet or some other method, it's just an example. Though now that I'm thinking of it, might be worth making the tdee itself a moving average as well
>>36284512>df['weight'].rolling(window=window_size).mean() seems pretty builtin to me.i guess, not really sure what i meant to say originally anymore>Though now that I'm thinking of it, might be worth making the tdee itself a moving average as wella moving average of a function of moving averages?also i thought tdee wasn't a function of your caloric intake?idk i'm not sure how scientific you could apply this unless you are incredibly strict with your caloric intake (1950 to 2000 is like, accidentally putting half a slice of butter your food)the idea of being able to estimate your tdee with a regression problem is appealing to statisticians, but i feel like it's still just gonna be closer to finding your ideal hrt dosages through trial and error (with it being a moving target with weight and diet changes)
>>36284852>also i thought tdee wasn't a function of your caloric intake?caloric intake - adjustment = tdee. This adjustment needs to come from somewhere (conservation of energy), this is why we take the difference in weight daily. This difference in weight x 7700 calories per kg (roughly) we can calc how much we adjusted. >idk i'm not sure how scientific you could apply this unless you are incredibly strict with your caloric intake (1950 to 2000 is like, accidentally putting half a slice of butter your food)only useful for roughly estimating a ballpark in any practical sense. but the Harris-Benedict equation is also only an estimatengl I think the most practical way is just to eyeball your caloric intake to what seems reasonable and exercising more.
>>36285040>ngl I think the most practical way is just to eyeball your caloric intake to what seems reasonable and exercising more.yeah that's why i was skeptical about smoothing tdee on an already smoothed input with possibly coarse tolerancesbut yeah that's what i mean. pick some coarse target like 1500, 1800, 2100 and adjust up and down based on your distance from the theoretical tdee curveand readjust every time your exercise habits change significantlyit's very tempting to frame this as a regression problem, or a reinforcement learning ML problem, but i think such a model would be complete overkill to basically just come up with the policy of "eat less if are gaining weight you don't want to gain" and "eat more if you are losing weight you don't want to lose" anyways
>>36282090 (BUMP)i can't drive and don't have a passport and don't know how to travel in the u.s
I made friends with a cute girl and went to her improv show and hung out with her comedian friends and had a great time but I'm completely lost as to how to progress from hereSocialising from nothing is so hard
>>36277562Ah crap, I get it. Your initial plan iirc was to look for opportunities in AI but worried about being new to the field and had little to show on the front, I know you have made progress medication wise but don't know if you received anything habit or therapy wise. Also, I continue to think that transition might become increasingly urgent.>>36277585Generally it depends on where your weight is already. If your BMI is north of 30, then losing weight is comparably straightforward. The closer you are to normal weight, the less you should expect. In my limited experience .5lb/week (~250g/week) is a lot if you are normal weight. Under ideal circumstances a deficit of 500kcal a day would translate roughly into a 1lb (500g) lost per week. We have calculators and stuff in the resources above. Squats afaik are a good start, we also have an entire book on butt shaping stuff linked up there. Going less than 1000kcal will be unsustainable for extended periods, and in general you don't wanna lose more than 2-4lb/week (1-2kg) if your BMI is below 30~28. Rule of thumb. Muscles will artificially raise your BMI so the more muscular you get the less meaning do high numbers have. Low numbers (18~19) usually are a danger zone.>>36277972Do tell me if it worked for you, I heard of it ages ago and liked the idea a lot, I actually didn't come up with it but for the life of me do not recall where I got it from.>>36279492I love that pic.>>36281543It's difficult, how is your friend search progressing irl? I recall the main issue is that talking to them is immensely anxiety inducing, right?>>36287393It genuinely is difficult. The first thing i would suggest is: find many excuses to meet, or talk. If you feel like yiou have nothing to say, remember that many people enjoy it already when you enjoy their company. If you have interest in their stories/interests/perspectives, you can fill hours even if you feel you have little to say, just by trying to learn and engage.
>>36288329>I recall the main issue is that talking to them is immensely anxiety inducing, right?yes i love avoiding making contact with real people in person because i am too insecure... smart thing would be to just take the plunge for exposure training but i don't wanna
Hi /sig/. Panty here. I finally cooked more of those turkey-zucchini meatballs today. I misread the expiration date on my turkey and had to get more, but I was still able to get the meatballs done today.. Tomorrow I will cook some orzo pasta, and sweet potato (which I will blend with cream cheese) for the sauce. I’ve been researching room decor again as well. I want my room to actually look cool and nice, no matter how long I’m here. >>36288329I wrote eulogies for some of my action figures last night and it was definitely cathartic — writing down happy memories and talking about how they were going to a better place, i.e. new ownership.
>>36288329>Your initial plan iirc was to look for opportunities in AI but worried about being new to the field and had little to show on the front,yeah, i have no experience, no grad degree, so it's an uphill battle. i haven't done much honestly but now that i've been out of a job i have more time to focus on it>but don't know if you received anything habit or therapy wise.not really>Also, I continue to think that transition might become increasingly urgent.it's on the back of my mind. and by that i mean that and my career future are practically all i think about now
Bumo.
I wish there were no bad things in the world. Bump
Went outside in a long time and friends said I look healthier ! Havent been getting drunk drunk just a beer once in a while, stopped caring about weight and just ate healthy foods and fixed my sleep mostly ! I think Im doing good compared to what I was before. But now I need to work on interacting with people and anxiety issues
>>36293030tricky part is keeping it up too
How the fuck do you voice trainLike how do I get the motivation to even startHow the fuck do you lose weightI eat less but I cant stop the binge eating when I am tired stressed and want to feel good.
>>36226033>How the fuck do you voice train>>36293299>How the fuck do you lose weightLosing weight is very simple. In order to lose weight you need a calorie deficit, there are two ways to do this:1. reduce calories in (eat less calories)Eating less food isn't necessarily the best way to reduce calories either, you can eat less processed and healthier foods which should (generally) reduce caloric input.Personally, the best way I found was to never buy any snacks or soft drinks or alcohol and only have food in my house which has to be cooked and/or prepared before I can eat it (other than fruit, this is my cheat "I'm hungry now and I cba"). This way I end up making a proper meal instead of just eating random stuff. I also buy meats in bulk and portion and freeze, defrost in the morning that I want to cook so that I'm not "accidentally" just eating 500g of pure beef because it was in the fridge.It's all about establishing a routine. I started with breakfast: 1 cup milk 1 cup oats in a bowl and in the fridge overnight, in the morning I'd grab it out of the fridge and add a teaspoon of sugar. After that I stopped ordering food entirely, just deleted my delivery accounts and haven't ordered anything since.2. increase calories burned (exercise more)Find some way of doing physical activity which doesn't bore the fuck out of you. Couch to 5k is a good program but I personally hate running it's just dead as fuck. You could go to the gym but this costs money and public spaces scare me. Honestly there's a ton of options it just depends on what you want to do. Don't worry about "omg I'm going to build muscle", as long as you're on HRT and not doing resistance training you just wont at the rate of normal males. I do something similar to https://youtu.be/ho8fvPH_Ro0Yeah it's all pretty generic but it just comes down to one simple thing, start right now and just keep going. It's ok if you lapse or fall out of it, you just start again.
>>36293299>cant stop the binge eating when I am tired stressed and want to feel good.Also I'm surprised that binge eating makes you feel good though, personally I just felt like shit afterwards every single time.
>>36293115I have been for a couple months now and the suicidal thoughts are few now. Im also trying to figure out how to pass the time when I get those.
>>36293475I feel great doing itThen i feel awfulThen i do it again next time>>36293426>>>36226033>>How the fuck do you voice trainuhgiuqg I really should start watching those vids...Idk why but I have had intense paranoia about watching "inappropriate" things. it is not based in reality, I dont have anyone looking at my stuff, but its just "what if". Plus new things(any new routine) stresses me out and for w/e reason my brain has an issue with simple watching vids I dont usually watch, or really doing anything I dont usually do. So i just avoid the stress by procrastinating the task. This is how i ended up working retail all my life lmao.my job has some labor involved but mostly I should be eating way less calories, which is a bit harder for em since I am such a pick eater(been fixing it, but...yeah)Doesnt help that burgers and intense food like that is constantly shown to me(thanks algorithm)Sorry long reply...I should just go eat my home made patties and promise not to order a whole 250gr burger form the new joint tonight...
>>36293502Could get a non-PC related hobby? Reading, instruments, something active, etc? I struggled with it a lot too. If I feel too bad I just take a book and go sit and read in the park. >>36293552>I have had intense paranoia about watching "inappropriate" things. it is not based in realityThere's not really much which can be said about this, it just takes a leap of faith. Watch the first 30 seconds of the first video right now. Then watch the first minute tomorrow, then the first 5min the day after etc. Writing down (with a pen and paper) what you learned can help you internalise it.>I should just go eat my home made pattiesYou should, food you make yourself has the potential to be both healthy and delicious with a bit of knowledge and effort and you can make it however you want.>thanks algorithmI don't personally use any social media other than 4ch anymore (and youtube looking for specific stuff but I'm not browsing and no shorts), think it helped with my mentality too by reducing the amount of stuff I care about. We weren't supposed to care about so much random shit especially not when it's curated to fuck with you and keep you there.Idk though there's no silver bullet, for people with depression, stuck in a state of neet, etc etc etc it's really an insurmountable task and getting out of it solo is rough but still possible. If possible look for people who you can do stuff with. Roommate? share a cooking routine where you cook for each other, exercise together etc. Else you can just do it alone but you need to be your own buddy
>>36293625Yeah I want it to be a non PC hobby too. I tried to get into reading but my adhd kicks in and Im a bit dyslexic so I cant really ever finish a book, but audiobooks do work at 2 times speed but then again its PC related and I just sorta want something away from electronics. I did draw when I was a teen and I can try to get back into it but I have a new fear of failure and I cant stand not being instantly good at drawing. I wanna get into more outdoor stuff like camping and be a bit fixated on foraging and stuff like that, I can usually read up on things like that. I have somethings I wanna try but I just also want someone to push me a bit for now to do those things
>>36293844do audiobooks in the park
>>36293847Don't really have any nice places to walk around me and I have a 7-4 job T-T
>>36293893rip. kinda similar, so I ended up getting a 30 bucks subscription so I can go to a city on the other side of the country which has a nice park>so I can be alone in another city tooit's a really nice park though
>>36293955(on the weekends)>>36293893also cutesad laika pic
>>36293955Thats pretty good, for some reason I didnt really think of going somewhere on the weekends so thanks! . I just started opening up to going out and atleast trying to not be an emotionless bitch to people, this month has been a slow month making slow progress with things and yeah now I guess Ill look for some places to go on weekends. I was planning big for the weekends to go camping somewhere alone but that has not been happening because to me atleast it's a big step. Ill start slow with just a park for now.
>>36288329She and I are doing groceries together today, and she'll probably be at all the pride stuff this weekend, so maybe everything's going to work out just fine. A terrifying well of potential.
>>36294059small steps anon, good ol' exposure therapy and consistency is how changes stick (imo)
Goddamit goddamit goddamit I feel the depression starting to kick in again. The irritability at the slightest things as everything I'm bottling up threatens to spill out again. I can't talk to anyone irl about any of this since I doubt they'd understand or would just judge me. I'm love-starved, touch-starved, immensely horny, and craving warmth with someone I really like. Everyone needs me to do something for them, there always needs to be something to get done— work, family, friends, life. I'm trying to do it all while trying to ignore the fact that I keep thinking about my ex-bf and how much I miss having someone I don't have to prove anything to. How much I miss someone that won't hate me for failing to live up to expectations. That I'm enough for. I'm spiralling and I'm scared I'm going to crack and download Grindr or some shit to hookup with someone so I can feel something again. I stop myself from entertaining those thoughts when I don't know the first thing about building intimacy with anyone, man, woman whatever.I feel like an alien trying to be human every fucking day. I feel out of place almost every single social outing I drag myself to. I'm scared I'm just gonna settle on the first person who tolerates me instead of someone I actually wholeheartedly want to be with.
>>36294537What happened with the ex?
>>36294742Nothing bad, we broke up like 6 years. It was amicable but we just weren't good for each other. It was the first relationship I was able to actually be intimate with someone instead of second-guessing their reciprocation
>>36294807That sounds suspiciously like my ex, but thankfully you're not her. Yeah, idk what to tell you, but at least I did like that some people on Grindr are explicitly looking for cuddles or support only, so even if you resort to it, there may be a chance to get some stopgap intimacy without falling into the incompatible relationship thing.
Bump...
>second day of heatwave>finally re-assembled standing fanI am alive once more
I hate everyoneWhy do i get to be the ogremanmoderhon and they get to be cute young passoids?>inb4 do thisI KNOWI KNOWI KNOWI AM JUST JEALOUSTHAT I CANT DO ANYTHING BUT WATCH OTHERS HAVE FUNI cant do anything but be a sideline hoeCause I didnt take care of myself or my life when it mattered mostSo now, I have 10 times the work and effort ahead of me but half as much motivation.I cant even talk to people without feeling liek my compassion or comradere o shared experience or antying is fucking not good enough and prolly only makes things worseI HATE thisI wish I could go backbut i cantI will never be close to anyone ever again will I
>>36298821You need to give yourself time to process your feelings. It’s perfectly okay to do that. Your mental health is important. It’s okay to be upset about the things that are bothering you. Giving yourself time and space to feel bad about them is healthy and constructive.There is a time for picking yourself up and making the best of things as they are, but there’s also a time to be sad about what could have been. To mourn what you have lost. And the fact that it’s eating you up right now doesn’t have to mean that things will never be better, or even just okay. You’re just feeling bad right now, and that’s alright. I get that feeling bad can hurt. It can be scary. It can seem like once you’ve started feeling bad, it’s not ever going to stop. But it’s not forever. You will feel other emotions when you’re ready. Right now, you feel this way because you need to. I hope this helps.
>>36288456I fully understand how you feel. We have talked about it in the past, do you feel like having had someone affirm you in doing "the right thing" helped you, generally speaking? Cause you seem like you do know what is best at your core, and that you struggle realizing it is human. You made progress recently, and that is worth being proud of, you know?>>36288955Looks great, Panty! And I am glad my silly suggestion worked out. It was a gut feeling but like I said I am certain I picked it up from SOMEWHERE.>>36289000>i mean that and my career future are practically all i think about nowyeah I 100% empathize with that. Honestly, I think it is extremely admirable. Sadly I don't know too much AI stuff, besides ANNs for function modeling. >not reallyand it's the usual issue with the US and insurance being tied to the job right?>>36293022So do I frien, so do I..>>36291667she's my fav miku rendition, did I ever mention?>>36293030I'm super happy for you! It's awesome! Anxiety is a bitch, it helps a lot in my experience to let yourself be affirmed at times. Sometimes it won't help, it's not your fault, but it can do a lot.>>36294091Yes, perfect! Do keep us posted but you are absolutely nailing it.>>36294537> I doubt they'd understand or would just judge me.what makes you feel that way, that would be horrible!>I feel like an alien trying to be human every fucking day. I feel out of place almost every single social outing I drag myself to.It fucking sucks. Do you feel like you don't share interests with people, or what specifically would you say is alienating? Before I studied I barely knew people into lots of my niche interests, for example. Environment is a game changer at times.>>36297969Thank fuck, it hits 30+°C even here now, which is where I start getting melty.
>>36300461>30+°Cfinally somebody else putting the + in the correct location27+ is above my tastes, I was made for Siberia or something
I have been going to therapy for like the past 3 months, and I feel like it is really making a big difference for me. I have reached out to old friends who I had not talked to in a really long time, I have been applying to jobs, I have been working on a personal project and actually getting somewhere with it. Just want to say that therapy can help if you are willing to put the effort in. It was so difficult for me especially to reach out to my old classmates who I had cut off contact with and had not spoken to in years, but so far it has been worth it.
Finally cleaned my room a bit so there is some space to do a least a litte bit of exercise and joined the summer reading program of my library. Also finally brushing my teeth again after a short episode happened
>>36294847>but at least I did like that some people on Grindr are explicitly looking for cuddles or support onlyI like that part too, it's nice to hear compared to all the horror stories you normally hear.>>36300461>what makes you feel that way, that would be horrible!I don't have many lgbt friends I can really confide with and talking about gay/bi shit with straight people of either gender is...a very bad idea to me. Especially when it's m/m. But even then, I hate talking about my feelings with anyone. >Do you feel like you don't share interests with people, or what specifically would you say is alienating? I don't think it's interests, per se. I meet enough people that share at least one or a few interests of mine but like I always feel like my """authentic""" self, for lack of a better word is always too much for people. I'm tired of masking to get people to like me.
>>36300461As it turns out, everything that isn't her has taken a terrible turn today, and I'm at a loss as to how to reach out to her without scaring her off. My wants and hopes are now amplified by needs and fears that reach beyond their domains and twist me darkly. It was already hard enough to be normal around her.I hope something good can help to counterbalance me here.
>>36299551It’s just funny how what I feared came true on the same day. Sometimes you just hear the truth abd it cuts so deeply it just becomes you. You realize you are exactly what you feared you are. And that’s it. I don’t wanna hear that things might get better or w/eI just know that it doesn’t matter. None of this ever mattered and all I ever did was hurt myself and others
>>36303383Scp Miku is scaring me
>>36222122>I can gladly try to elaborate furtherMaybe? I feel like if I did ask they would just refer me to the university's careers department, whose resources I already have access to and have been looking through a little. They also still offer consultations to recent graduates so I might look into that at some point.>Right now you are knocking it out of the parkThank you for saying so, even if it doesn't feel like it.I think the thing that has foiled my few previous attempts at self-improvement is that on some level I need the hopelessness and apathy. If nothing matters, there's nothing to worry about, but once I entertain the notion of getting better I have to grapple with my inability to imagine a future for myself, all the shitty decisions and wasted time, no plans to ever leave boymode, everything I still have to do to have a chance of someday being happy with myself.It's a bit much for someone who has trouble getting out of bed and I just want it all to Go Away Right Now, which is obviously not achievable practically. So the result is I lose my mind for a while until I just give up again. I think this is the most successful I've been at maintaining the proper mindset so far, or at least something resembling it.
free bump. turns out i got covid on top of my other health issues.
Bump. I find it queer how "self-conscious" is predominantly utilized in a connotation which suggests that one's introspective thoughts must be negative, disparaging, and/or stymieing in nature.On an unrelated note, I've discovered that my three or so "different voices" all sound precisely the same in reality, and I'm rendered rather cross by this revelation.
>>36307738Once more. I just attempted cooking pork (loin chops) for the first time, and I believe that it went well.
Having some serious struggles lately. I can't seem to dig myself out of the hole of shame and repression I feel almost daily cos of shit out of my control, asshole roomies etc... But I can't seem to decide whether I'm doing "good" or "bad"; I head to college dorms in the fall but I still feel like such a failure for all my hard work. I hate to keep having mental issues when I thought I was doing okay with healing from trauma and shit. What do I even do about knowing so little about myself as a person/not knowing what authenticity to the self is like?
i think today i did better than yesterday
Even forgot a pic yesterday.Not quite caught up, more tomorrow, I promise.>>36300875Definitely prefer less heat as well, I am steamed.>>36301186I am happy to hear, anon! Reviving old contacts is hard, but it generally holds true that people are willing to reconnect. You did great, and I am happy for you.>>36301384I'm happy for you, anon!> after a short episode happenedwhat exactly do you mean?>>36301535>I hate talking about my feelings with anyone. bad past experiences? Have you ever let people close and got hurt?>I'm tired of masking to get people to like me.what things do you mask?>>36303489I hope something good happened.. some days go to shit. Self care can help. A shower, something relaxing.>>36306142> I feel like if I did ask they would just refer me to the university's careers department,They are your peers, your colleagues, researchers. They should have some personal interest in the people they worked with. If it were me, I would ask colleagues, or check the mailing lists I am subscribed to, or point you to recent graduates that find a place and may know of coming vacancies, insider knowledge. I assume you were in contact with a professor, a couple grad students, maybe a postdoc? These people should have knowledge that is more practical and up to date.>. I think this is the most successful I've been at maintaining the proper mindset so far, or at least something resembling it.mindset is always an immensely hard part. It sounds like you are doing great. Often, I personally, take on a "the present does not matter" kind of approach, which has many of the perks the "nothing matters" mindset can have but allows you to place your bets on the future.>>36307738> my three or so "different voices" all sound precisely the same in reality,what are their assigned purposes in your head?
>>36300461>yeah I 100% empathize with that. Honestly, I think it is extremely admirable.i don't really agree since i'm not making much progress and i'm probably not even trans and maybe hrt would be a mistake>and it's the usual issue with the US and insurance being tied to the job right?i'm paying out of pocket for my own insurance right now but yeah if you change jobs you might change who you're seeingemployer sponsored healthcare makes no fucking sense but honestly all the alternatives seem kinda shitty as well
>>36311822>what are their assigned purposes in your head?Neutral (standard use), monotone (explanatory, cautious, annoyed), grandiose (jocular, braggadocious, self-speaking).
>>36311822Tired pic again, something is up anon? something happened to you? Please remember to also talk to us you are not here just to help us but we want to help and give advice too. So now.. what is going on?
bumo.
been relapsing with self harm a bunch lately not sure what'll become of me eventually but I'm still trying to push forward despite everything. Hope y'all are doing well though.
passed my music exam with distincktion >w<
>>36316110Congrats!!
bump!!!
>got a lot of shit done yesterday>using that as an excuse to do literally nothing todayi should at least do something holy shit
BUMP
I dropped 2k on a Camera I feel awful about spending money but I've wanted a Camera for ages. I hope going having something to do whilst outside will make it more enjoyable
pg 9 bump>>36316110wooo! grats anon!!>>36321029at least it went to something you'll be able to enjoy for long time. I hope you get to take some great pictures
>>36321029>I feel awful about spending moneyWell, should you? Could you've spent it in something significantly more important or urgent?
>>36306837Christ almighty, anon.. sorry to hear. I wish you a rapid recovery.>>36309650What sauce did you have with them? I believe the one time I had them I had just sage butter. It was nice though!>>36311544I'm glad to hear, anon. It's a mood.>>36311396First of all, a shitty environment like this.. do they make fun of you or something? Are you still repping?> I still feel like such a failure for all my hard workDo you have peers that acknowledge your efforts? Maybe a group of people you learn and work with?>not knowing what authenticity to the self is like?well, we can start simple, by your likes, dislikes, things you do when nobody is looking. >>36312079> i'm probably not even trans and maybe hrt would be a mistakeit's the issue, I literally cannot tell you to take that plunge. Having yourself checked would be helpful I suppose, but I can't overlook the fact that you despairing frequently over nbaw is not exactly screaming cis. You might regret not trying it sooner than you ever could regretting a bit of boob residue should you pull out after the first year.>employer sponsored healthcare makes no fucking sensethe US system is such a mess. I think it would already help to abolish all the network nonsense but I am sure it had a reason to form in the US, historically, so I worry it would just recreate itself without a lasting change.>>36313347Ohh, you know I hope it does not register as teasing when I say that imagining it makes me wanna hear your voice sometime even more!>>36314044I was just juggling a lot of things and have a conference coming up, stress and exhaustion and me fucking up interpersonal things. But it is less a matter of self improvement and more a matter of me sitting things out, healing, and making sure to be kind to myself through it all. I do promise to speak up when I hurt. Thank you.. it's incredibly sweet of you.
>>36315576I'm sorry to hear, anon. Things can be hard, and I want you to know that your efforts are even more admirable because they are difficult. Things being hard should add to your pride in overcoming. If you think we can help you find other coping mechanisms or talk things out, we're here. And remember, we have resources of all sorts for sh.>>36316110CONGRATS, ANON!>>36318753It sucks because in principle rest days are good but in the wrong moment it fucks with us and we don't rest and instead just feel terrible all day having been unproductive. Would the excuse still work if the things you do are orthogonal to what you did the day before?Like, for example, doing something work related on day 1 and house cleaning on day 2?>>36321029Do you always feel self conscious about spending larger amounts on things other tan survival so to say?
>>36322744>What sauce did you have with them?Honey. I prepared them with sliced zucchini, jalapeño peppers, and pineapple chunks. For seasoning, I opted for garlic powder, basil, garam masala, and parsley.>imagining it makes me wanna hear your voice sometime even more!It's truly not interesting, especially with the revelation that all of them sound identical in reality.
>>36311822Nothing good has happened peoplewise, but I did get new running shoes today, and made a salad, and started doing skincare again. I could really use a win from the universe at large, but at least on a personal level it's not all bad.
>>36322744>I literally cannot tell you to take that plunge.well, i haven't>I think it would already help to abolish all the network nonsense but I am sure it had a reason to form in the US, historically,i'm not sure of the history behind it, but i'm assuming it's just because by the time socialized medicine became popular the insurance lobby and an extreme hate for anything vaguely resembling communism already took hold of the US>the US system is such a mess.that being said, the US system is fucked but there is huge support for private healthcare. people are very quick to point to the failures of the NHS or the canadian system as reasons why the government shouldn't have a monopoly on healthcarewe do have public healthcare in the form of medicare and medicaid, but it's of much worse quality than private and it's seen as a last resortthe employer sponsored healthcare thing is retarded though. i'm paying like $1000 a month for my insurance right now. they're clearly making fucking money off me, so i don't get why i can't keep it indefinitely for as long as i pay since it seems to be financially in their favor to let me do that
>>36322744Still repping; yeah. I live with people who knew me prehrt and don't seem to respect it even though I've tried to gain their respect for a long time. I do have a few friends- but I can't hang out with them much, unfortunately. I feel supported by them but it's still hard to feel like I haven't or won't ever catch up with them. For the authenticity bit- I think that sounds nice. I'm trying to want to know who I am a little bit more; without fearing the person that I've hid because I might not like who it is. It's like I feel bad about being a person and experiencing things that make me human, for the most part.
>>36322638>>36322861I don’t really have anything particularly I should spend money on other than investing for the future and keeping a larger safety net for myself. I had problems with really bad overspending in the past to my own detriment so if I buy stuff it feels like I might slip back into that. I used to use it as a coping mechanism? Like intentionally putting myself in bad financial situations just to say “well actually im fucked so whats the point xd” and it took a long time to get out of that.
