>inb4 "have you considered that I'M a 6 foot neverpasser hon who trooned at 30? Kys luckshit."
ok, but ur also rogd agp with a sissy diaper fetish, whore. i'm a textbook tranny case, i should have been a youngshit! >:(

>>36346051
Hey anon I totally get that feeling of unbearable regret, im dealing with a lot of it too :c
I lay awake crying at night wondering why I never came out before puberty. All the fantasies and the repression crushed me emotionally when the dam finally broke.

Whenever I feel like this I start to count all the good things that I have done. All of the female friendships, all of the love and compassion I gave to others while I was repressing. All of the people who cared about me and loved me when they had no reason to

Eventually I realized I would have never made a lot of the friends I did if I transed young. I would just be a completely different person, stunted socially by my young transition and terrified of judgement from all angles. I would have retreated more than I ever did while repressing. Instead, I flourished socially and I made so many lifelong female friendships that would still say hello to me in the street (before I trooned and they couldnt recognize me anymore ofc)

I would never have had such a strong desire to escape from my world if I didnt have to escape my feelings. I became a very good computer scientist; by 13 I was reverse engineering software and by 17 I had people trying to contract me to do specialized work. That would have never happened to me otherwise, no way in hell

I may not look like a girl irl, and as much as I regret my past choices I would not be me without them. I still have it in me to do good in this world and so that is what I am going to do anon <3

I think it is your turn now. Your life is totally different than mine but I want you to think of every person you made smile while you were repressing. Your memory may be fuzzy (mine is still fuzzy as hell from that entire era) but I know you have it in you :)

>>36346170
Anon I want you to tell me at least one nice thing you have done for someone while repping, no matter how small

Ill start: I showed a girl in my class the desktop goose app and she loved it so much, she ended up having it on permanently :)

>>36346051
same up to researching srs as a child but then I told my parents... and then they told me it was best to be a boy... and then I repressed until I was 25 (I have had srs since then)

>>36346170
>All of the female friendships
the last female friendships i had were from around when i was 8 or earlier. in grade 4 i got bullied really badly and had social anxiety all the way through school, so i had a group of 2 friends who were also outcasts like me.
>I would have never made a lot of the friends I did if I transed young
i might have made more friends but trans was less understood was i was a kid so who knows
>I flourished socially and I made so many lifelong female friendships
haha, happy for you :') giwtwm though :')
>>36346291
i did a year and a half of college and my roommate had a habit of sleeping in. i figured he might have one morning, so i went and got him up so he wasn't late for class.
the fact it took me so long to think of something that small makes me feel like a terrible person honestly ;_;
>>36346718
im so sorry, happy it's working out for you now though!

>>36346051
>knew I was trans since 11
>got groomed into being a chud by r9k at 16 and didn’t troon for 6 more years

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>>36346848
yeah

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>>36346848
you too huh

>>36346170
what a nice post. thanks anon

>>36346051
No, you couldn't. Everything was already decided before you were born. This is how things should be.

>grandpa tells me about trans girls when I'm 5, then tells me I can become a girl if I lick my elbow
>spend the rest of summer break trying to lick my elbow
>grandpa dies, he was the only person supportive of me being a -girl- instead of a boy that did girly things
>come out to Mom at 6, get shamed by family
>crossdress at 13
>come out to mom again, she makes jokes about me, back into closet I go
>become hypersexual, associate crossdressing with sexuality
>at 17, try to steal estrogen supplements from shop Dad runs so I can take them. Get caught
>come out to Dad. He asks Mom. They make fun of me.
>now deep in closet, decide I'll do it unsupported by going to college and making lots of money
>fall for college student loan scams if the millennial generation, wind up in debt
>still hypersexual, deeply suicidal, searching for some kind of purpose, don't care what happens to me, fucking up college, willing to throw it all away for some sense of purpose
>get woman pregnant at 24
>living vicariously through her.
>drop out of college, enlist, shave long hair, get muscular, can no longer recognize self in mirror, looking in mirror makes me hurt
>kid is daughter, I love her dearly
>live vicariously through daughter
>still deeply suicidal, consider jumping from my radar tower every day
>have second kid, another daughter
>27, spouse comes out to me as a trans man
>he was trying to gain a sense of femininity through our relationship
>my mind fuck. Closet opens wide.
>I come out to him as trans. 28 years old
>won't be able to transition due to military bullshit
>finally transition at 30
>tell my Mom
>she accepts me, finally
>tells me she always knew
>apologizes for shaming me
>fucking DIES a month later

1/2

>>36347729

>I still love her somehow, take her first name as my own
>tell Dad
>he can't understand me. I "never showed any signs". I remind him of the signs. He says I won't be a woman to him unless I get the surgery
>come out to my grandma. She tells me about the trans women whose hair she used to cut, and how my grandpa learned about them through that. It all comes full circle. She accepts me as her granddaughter. I inherit her ring and become the matriarch of her family. She informs me that I must never cut my hair again, as is tradition. I don't plan to keep the tradition, but I don't tell her this
>husband still loves me. Daughters love me
>32 now. Levels have been good since month 1.
>In B cups
>skin is soft
>very emotional
>but my shoulders are still wide.
>I'm still 6 ft tall
>I still have the face of a neanderthal
>my hips never had the chance
>I will always be distinctively male, and that hurts
>I am reminded every day, I could have had that experience. I just needed someone, anyone, to believe me.

I hate youngshits. Not on a personal level, I admire them for living their best lives. I just wish it were me. Why couldn't it be me?

>>36347734
>Why couldn't it be me?
because your parents were cruel and unfair to you. Because you came back into closed instead of seeking answers on your own

You should blame your family and yourself. You used people to get relief, which is truly disgusting

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>>36346955
>>36347130
>tfw i realized i was competing in a who can be the biggest retard loser contest

>>36346051
Sucks right? I’m in my 30s. You never get over it. I was reading all the message boards back in the day. I knew how this ends, yet I chose to not believe the older women and instead repress. I wish the world was more open and accepting back then. It sucks even more when you come out to your parents and they are accepting and don’t freak out and kick you to the curb, like you expected. Who knows who I could’ve been if I trusted my gut.

>>36347818

I knew the answer from my early teens - but I was terrified of losing my support system more than almost anything else. My growth growth was stunted due to being raised by a deeply neglectful and clinically psychopathic woman. I didn't begin to actually become an adult til I was 26. I'm an awful person and I feel like I can never pay my spouse back for destroying his career (gave him my GI bill, so hopefully he can right his ship eventually) and essentially using his body to try to fill that hole in me.

Frankly, I wish the gun hadn't misfired into the floor when I was 18. My retarded step dad paid shit money and got a shit product.

But with a kid in my life (now 2!) I'm stuck here. I could never wound them with the death of a parent. Instead, they have to deal with being raised by a living mistake. They seem happy at least. Really smart and empathetic, too. They're gonna save the world one day.

Fuck, I wasn't really ready to face this.
Just screaming into the void.

>>36347734
I feel you. I new at a young age but just couldn't manage to get what I needed from anyone and had to repress. I got to transition younger than you, but still, well past puberty.

It sucks.

sucked when I realized how much of my life was fucked up because my parents also left my ADHD undiagnosed and untreated despite the many signs.

it sucks and it isn't fair, but over time, it gets better. you grieve the loss of the life you should have had, but peace eventually comes.

>>36346051
yeah my parents ended up getting over it so quickly it kinda pissed me off that i repped and killed my own sanity and body for nothing kek

>>36347957

I feel you on the ADHD. Got my diagnosis in my late 20s. Part of that was asking my Mom if I showed X symptoms as a kid. She admitted I had been diagnosed 3 times and she refused treatment because she didn't want me on meds. I didn't talk to her for a year after the argument that resulted.

Thanks for listening to my fucked up story. There's more nuance than can be fit into a greentext... maybe I'll write a book one day. But right now, at least, I needed to be seen by someone. Anyone.

I'm gonna go to sleep now. Need to fix the slide in the morning for the little ones (they broke it bickering). Goodnight, anon.

>>36347734
Sorry to hear your story. Parents are a double edged sword at times, but for trans people, we absolutely need parents on our side. This is too much to bear with at a young age.

I harbor so much resentment towards society these days. That our condition is seen as something to laugh at and poke fun at. That the world understands 41% of us will attempt suicide at some point, strictly due to unacceptable, and they still find it all funny. It hurts I won’t lie. I don’t trust society and thus I can’t seem to trust anybody I come across on a daily basis as I’m manmoding, knowing if this person knew the real me, they would hate me. Society is very cruel when you’re in a minority group.

>>36347993
Cis women can be such a destructive force because they’re so afraid of confronting the world as it is and living in reality. 3 separate diagnoses and she still thinks she “knows her own kid” better than clinical doctors. Humans are such a disappointing species.

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>>36347729
>>36347734
>MtF father
>FtM mother
Good Lord, your kids got tranny genes from both sides.

>>36347729
>>36347734
>>36348157
Yeah anon, make sure to ask them if they'd prefer to be girls or boys at some point before their puberty. Be a better parent than yours were

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>>36346051
>>36346170
>>36346718
:(
I'm in the same boat as you girls,

At 12 years old, I found out about SRS and that you can become a girl.
It was the thing I wanted most in the world, but I was too scared.

I was so scared of rejection that I didn't even try to come out because my mom would've dismissed it as she did everything else.

So I cried and cried, and in time, I accepted it's just a fantasy and repressed everything deep inside.

I forgot, but I still hated my body.
I didn't recognise the person in the mirror as me, I only lived as that person.
I hated my genitals.
I hated every haircut I ever had and cried for weeks when my hair was buzzed completely.

I never dated, but I had crushes on girls.
I never actually tried to date them.
I just wanted to be their friend.
Other boys talked about what they would do to girls, and I couldn't comprehend why.

Masturbating and looking at porn always felt wrong.
Eventually, I found genderbender doujins and stuck with them.

At 18, I finished high school, and I felt an immense sense of relief and freedom.
My repressed feeling started coming back, but I didn't understand them.

At this point, I knew what trans people were at least a little. My knowledge prior about them in my childhood came from transphobic jokes on television.
I still didn't know a lot, I didn't know transition works, I didn't know about DIY.

And I thought I couldn't be trans, I tried to repress again, but I couldn't, so I femboy coped for a year, and this gave me a platform to figure myself out.
I'm in Uni at this point, and I even had a trans roommate.

My slow puberty started catching up, I already grew to 183(6') at 15, but now I started gaining even more body hair, and my facial hair started to roughen, my face adjusted, my hair moved back a little in the corners.

My mental health got a lot worse, and I finally broke down this february due to seeing a man on the street and realising that's how I would end up.

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>>36348375
I accepted that I'm trans.

I'm on DIY now at 20 years old, and slowly going through an official diagnosis.

I feel so out of place in this world, but I'm finally doing something for myself.

>>36348173
It should be a self realization, along with proper education. Not grooming, if they grow up and actually be trans they might doubt themselves that they turned trans because of this.

>>36348157
LMAO that pic

>>36348408
>>36348173
>>36348157

Surprised this thread is alive.
Concepts of gender have been a conversation I've had with the girls. Can't really not talk about it when both parents are changing right before their eyes.

My eldest is the girliest girl to ever girl in the world and she's super happy that her clearly favored parent (it happens) can girl with her. She's mega defensive of both of us and has gotten herself in trouble over it - I keep telling her she doesn't have to defend me, as I'm an adult and can defend my own identity when needed... buuut she's stubborn as a mule.

The younger sister is right in that age range where she doesn't care about anyone or anything. She just wants to build her little block fortresses and smash a dinosaur through them for shiggles. "Mom is Mom and Dad is Dad. Can I go play now?"

I love kids.

I feel like we may have to take special care over time to make sure they know their situation is VERY unique and that they aren't obliged to any of it. The goal is do what makes you happy at the end of the day. On the other hand I do think it helps them a lot with empathy. My eldest's teachers have remarked very often how good she is at pulling everyone into her social bubble, even the outcasts. She's even calmed others who had rage and angst issues by listening to them and figuring out what they need to smile. She's a real precious gem.
(Not undercutting the younger one, she's just not quite at that age)

>>36348408
And the thing is when you grow up in an environment both knowing that it's a valid option and knowing you'll be affirmed, you have no reason to repress. The theybies thing has always been dumb to me because you're already an affirming environment, you don't need to make a thing of it because your kids are going to gravitate whichever way they want.

>>36350807
well there's a lot of outspoken progressive types who will raise their "afab" "gender-neutrally" and be all happy about this until he says he really does need to be a boy like with testosterone and a penis i.e. an awful lot of people whose "support" is contingent on it being hypothetical and far away

>>36346051
>>36346063
I remember looking up stuff about how to be a girl after we got a computer when I was a kid and stuff too. I learned about SRS and stuff but like the only pictures I saw were of those like Susan's Place boomerhons and that's like what all of the "representation" was in the early 2000's for me so I didn't think I could actually look like a girl and I knew it was taboo so I didn't talk about it. Sometimes I vented about it anonymously online but I felt hopeless. I coped with all kinds of escapism and drugs and I was miserable.
I started late but I've been on HRT for over a year now, still presenting male, but I'm starting to pass I think, like even with presenting male I get people thinking I'm a girl pretty often so it's not hopeless like I started older than you. Three months is next to nothing like you'll see so much more happen as you keep at it. I think I'll realistically end up being to pass and go full time before crazy long which is awesome and I never thought it would be possible

>>36350875

Fuuuuck that I'd sooner commit than put my kids through that.

>>36350938
I remember reading all through andrea james and lynn conway's sites (and others I just remember those) at like 12 and concluding that I need to tell my parents now.. which stood in stark contrast to the reality that I lived in the rural south.
One night I worked up the nerve and did tell them, and I was pretty much completely rebuffed. I WAS promised therapy, but it never happened. The lesson I learned was never to tell anyone I wish I was a girl. As the years went by, hope disappeared and turned to repression. Took me another 12 years to do anything about it.

>>36350938
for the longest time all i ever saw of trans people were caricatures on tv and people like the gamestop tranny, which all made me think that was as good as it gets for anyone who isn't crazy lucky. as for now, im thinking of moving to the city at the end of the year after my lease is up because im canadian and itd probably be easy to honmode there as long as a voice train. unfortunately i think ill need ffs to ever pass :(

>>36351117

Man I'd kill to be just FFS away from passing. I was blessed with my grandfather's Nordic genes. I was the shortest "man" in my family at only 6', just a little shorter than my Mom. Add on a build like a barrel and a brick had an ugly gigababy, an absolute veritable forest of bodyhair, yea... people talk about gigahon, dat me. Sometimes I manage to dip my toes in "kinda cute" territory but everyone does a double take on your gender when you're the biggest person in the room.

>>36351192
>shorter than mom at 6'
what amazonian bs is this lmao
yeah, im not short short but im below average at 169cm (5'6.5"). i think height doesn't mean much on its own, just that tall people tend to to have bigger proportions which exaggerates bad features. but a non-passing face overrides everything. a wide-build, 6' tall trans woman with a passable face could pass better than a 5'4" 0.7 whr but non-passing face.

>>36350983
Yeah, I grew up in a rural conservative area too as a later millennial, I got like beat up by boys some for being girly and faggy and I learned to hide it and learned I can't talk about it... It's fucked up how it plays out.
>>36351117
Yeah it just wasn't the same then, now you can see plenty of more positive and visible examples like Hunter or whatever you know. Back then, nope.
I've started presenting more feminine sometimes and it feels nice and I just care less and less. I think I've been kinda emboldened by like actually passing to people sometimes even like talking to them without dressing in a way where it screams woman so I don't think they were just being nice but it's hard to tell. Start voice training now if you haven't, it's so huge. I feel like I'll always be kinda clocky if I don't get surgery too but like I'm not super fucked up or anything I think I'm pretty lucky

>knew when I was 6
>thought it was impossible
>bullied any time I acted even slightly girly
>at 8 I read Marvin Redpost - Is He a Girl
>spent the next month trying to kiss my elbow
>at 11 find a porn mag. Amidst the beautiful girls is a two page letters column reserved for stories about men in drag
>these two pages get more play than the rest of the magazine combined
>dressing and looking like a girl is possible now? And taboo I guess so it's still not allowed
>teenage years suck hard as dysphoria sets in and I didnt even have a word for it
>at 16 or so I watch a documentary with my mom about transgender people. When talking about the girls, Mom describes them as "plastic"
>fuck! So it's possible to change my whole body but it's expensive and still fake.
>early 20s what's a trap? Want to try crossdressing but living with my dad at the time and can't risk it. Dysphoria demon says I wouldn't look good anyway
>late 20s move back in with my mom because she needs care. Turns out she's actually super liberal but has no clue how to not make snippy comments about gays and trannies
>DIE CIS SCUM happens just when I'm ready to come out
>in the space of a day the public image of trannies became one of militant self-enforced outrage and general insanity
>back to repressing because fuck being lumped together with that
finally started transition in my 30s. Thank god I take after my mom more than my dad but it's still a rough road ahead
if I had known what was possible, if I had known it would be okay, if there was any information at all to be found in the 90s, I could have been a fucking youngshit
at least my dysphoria has largely cleared up, I feel like me for the first time in literally decades

>>36351293

Oh man her dad, grandad, and brothers were all even bigger. My great grandpa looked down at me even while hunched over his walker. I never realized how much of a giant he was until he stood up straight - I came to his chest.

My Mom was very mannish overall. She was intersex with a testicle near one of her ovaries, so she's definitely an outlier of the extreme type. I look almost exactly like she did in her 30s, so yay I look like a woman... who was called butch and mannish her whole life to the point where it made her hate being a woman so much that she made fun of me every time I tried to come out to her.

I wish... my Mom had the support she needed from her own mom (who abused her because she was not feminine) so that she could have maybe supported me. She tried her best, she really did, but her mind was broken before I was ever conceived.

>>36351466
it's fucking amazing you were conceived at all, most intersex are underdeveloped XY. That she had a functional womb is nothing short of a miracle

>>36351466
your whole family is on something different wow. on the bright side, your mother gives you kind of a template to follow. and unlike me, you can reach the top shelf which was like the only reason i wanted to get taller as a kid.

>>36346051
I started transitioning at 26 and i'm a passoid just two years later.Trust the process.

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>>36351463
we are all in this together

>>36351569

She definitely struggled to conceive me. I was the result of years of trying. They tried many medical interventions, prayed to every god they could (supposedly their last prayed were to Lucifer), and almost gave up to adopt. She needed to have a c-section because her hips were too narrow to birth a child and I was born not breathing with no heartbeat. When she finally got a pregnancy to stick, she had twins. My twin sister died and I absorbed her - she jokingly told me growing up that I was always hungry and are my sister. In retrospect, I wonder if part of my sister's absorbed cells effected me. The hair on the right side of my body is red, black, and mega curly (my dad having curly red hair) and the hair on my left side is wavy and dark black. (The red has turned white so now I I'm black haired with white streaks) Theres other differences from my left to right side, too - I consider getting my DNA sequenced but I'm not sure if it's worth the effort - it wouldn't change anything. My younger daughter also absorbed her twin, it makes me wonder if she will repeat some of my issues. She looks so much like me and her grandma. Did she inherit my curses? Could I protect her?

My Ma was a unique person. She had eidetic memory and was an absolute genius at everything she touched. I wonder often how she might have been the next Einstein if she had been given the right environment. Her deeply sexist and abusive southern upbringing scarred her. Ultimately her complicated genetics gave her a myriad of brutal disorders that killed her early - disorders that I don't seem to have inherited or passed on, luckily. (We ran genetic tests for them on me and the girls) I wish she was better. I know she tried her best. I just spread her ashes at my birthplace, like she wanted. It hurts bad, I have so many questions that will never be answered now. So many why's.

>>36346051
started at 21 too?

>>36352368

*always hungry and ATE my sister

Stupid phone autocorrect

>>36352368
ur a chimera, wtf? beyond: two souls irl. and yeah, probably strongly related to having a part of her in you.
>>36352179
okay, but did you have a girly face before transitioning? did you get rlly lucky? this is important
>>36352379
23 :((

>>36352543
I might be. But I always take strong caution not to claim something before I have it officially evaluated. For all I know her cells were just cannibalized and never became a part of me and I'm just fucked up like this.

>>36352582
Ah, fair. So you haven't done any dna test at all? I did ancestry and then ran that through promethease which told me all sorts of neat stuff like "7x more likely to be bald by 30" :)

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THE LEFT COULD HAVE BEEN MEEEEEE

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>>36346848
Damn, I used to read sissy threads on r8k and get sad when they turned sexual. Some twat there also told me that hrt only works until you turn 30 and then you remasculinize. I had all the desire to be feminine and all the dysphoria over my male puberty, and even trans friends but I was still too stupid to put 2 and 2 together and reallise I was trans, instead I decided I wanted to be a femboy who was fem in day to day life for whatever reason. I started hrt when I turned 17 after a suspected Kleinfelter syndrome shody puberty so maybe I shouldn't complain too much. Still don't pass tho

>>36355596
How long have you been on HRT?

>>36350467
I'm so jealous of your family. That sounds like heaven, even though I know it must have been a lot.

>>36356228

I know I'm in many ways blessed that things turned up as well as they did. In spite of my guilt and angst regarding the start of the relationship, I still wound up with a pretty awesome dude with awesome kids. I might be a gigahon for life, but at least I'll always be surrounded by love

>>36357364
desu gigahon with a close family >>>>>>>>>>> passoid with no/distant family. Loneliness and isolation is a fate worse than death.