I was your typical case, started having dysphoria as a kid, had it intensely every single day growing up.But in the past year, after 7 years of hrt and FFS, I went insane and felt like the inner workings of my mind were connected to everyone else telepathically, and it made me realize that literally no matter what I do nobody will ever see me as a woman.Ever since then where dysphoria used to be, there's just an emptiness. It just feels so stupid, vain, and pointless to try to do anything attempting transition when it will have no affect, better to use the energy to do... uh... actually I don't want to do anything anymore.Anybody experience something similar? The trouble is, I don't think I can live like a "man" or something either. Right now it's hard to muster up willingness to care about even falling into debt. I still have a sense nearly every day that I'll be going to hell reverberating in my mind since the psychosis, but I don't even care that much. I can't imagine heaven, earth, hell, or any place mattering anymore.
>>36368679Dysphoria is a meme and no one on this board will admit it. It's all in your head because people care too much about what others think of them and want to "pass" but it's important to be yourself and love yourself. I'd wager most people on /LGBT/ do not love themselves.
>>36368757>Dysphoria is a meme and no one on this board will admit it.It's definitely not a meme, ever since I was a kid I dreamed and prayed to become a girl. Once I exhausted what I thought was possible, I moved on to what was left. Now I'm just in that situation again, except this time, instead of a childish realization that no magic wish will transform me, that I won't become a super top-tier scientist who can change people's bodies, but rather that hrt will do no more for me, that the surgeries I can still get won't push me over the edge, that I've truly done what I can and will never pass, will never be seen as cute, or pretty, or feminine, will always be seen to have a male essence fundamentally... all of it justwell I'm just hollow now.
>>36368785Just fucking be the best you that YOU can be. Embrace your body and stop trying to be someone else. You clearly don't love yourself. So much angst in your posts and self pity
>>36368679yeah I transcended gender sexuality and other bullshit. It's nice having fun all the time not worrying about What I Am anymore.
>>36368823>Just fucking be the best you that YOU can be.That's what I've been trying to do with transitioning. It's just a suckish circumstance.>Embrace your bodyHard to do when it marks me as a social pariah wherever I go with it>stop trying to be someone elseSo you want me to stop repressing then? Trouble is when I went insane I experienced all the voices labeling my "act" as my "true self" and my "true self" as an "act." so I'm pretty fucked up with regards to this.>You clearly don't love yourself. True on that one.
>>36368863That sounds nice but I don't have any of the worries or anything gone, and I can't have fun.I just feel like am empty shell.
i know that hollowness anon. the only thing you can do is fill that space with something more substantial than gender. art, sport, nature, music, spirituality, charity work, nature, literature, travel, mathematics. Anything is more meaningful than gender. Take this hollowness as a sign that you're looking in the wrong place for fulfillment. Don't mourne the years barking up the wrong tree, just find some other trees to bark up.
>>36368873Loving yourself requires accepting you for you.For example people who think they need crazy plastic surgery to be pretty to fit insane beauty standards.Really though you shouldn't need HRT or any of that stuff though of course it HELPS. Starting HRT without loving yourself is building a house with no foundation. The only reason I'd do it is to stop hair growth because honestly that's the thing I am most annoyed about myself.
>>36368679> I don't think I can live like a "man"sounds like it didn’t really go awayThough at the same time I can relate, frankly the main reason I wanted to try hrt was that I thought the experience would help me accept reality and commit to being male and in some sense that wish has come true
>>36368920When I am messed up in the head, I will sometimes binge on food, or eat hardly anything, yet despite being in such a state, I can still recognize the need to eat a temperate amount.I'm still going to take hrt and boymode at the least. But you have a point I think.I just have no idea where to begin with something like loving myself as a tranny, every attempted thought just feels like a joke, every time I try to think of a way to frame my life positively, it just feels like something someone could say as a subtle backhand insult about it. It's hard to find anything to say that I can hold on to. It doesn't help that I still strongly feel that I will go to hell/be rejected forever as long as I am trans in any kind of way.Honestly I experienced a lot of religious thoughts while psychotic, and a big theme was fighting to be able to be a girl/trans as just something that I was born with, with it constantly not being accepted. But with me unable to get rid of it. It went on like that very passionately in my mind for months only to end like this now.>>36368911I know such things like this already, and how they're true. It's just hard, even music feels kinda ash like now. I just need to sober up out of my pit, my dark hole, just need to stand up again... start living again... just need to do it....
>>36368911very wise post. gender dysphoria is shorthand for existence dysphoria. it's a good stepping stone for entering the stream
>>36368995>I know such things like this already, and how they're true. It's just hard, even music feels kinda ash like now. I just need to sober up out of my pit, my dark hole, just need to stand up again... start living again... just need to do it....I get you anon, it always feels like those things will never make you feel ever again when you're in that state of heavy anhedonia and existentialism. Doing music is one of the main things that anchors me here, but sometimes even that feels like you say, ash. It comes back though, doesn't feel like it will but it does. There's always new angles to appreciate things from. Or old angles you forgot about. But yeah sobering up and standing up and trying to live sounds like the play. I'm not in quite as heavy a dip right now, just a shallow one, which is why I'm back here on this board right now, but yeah I'm gonna do my best to get back up and carry on living too! Wish you the best anon. There's a lot of beauty in the world, and a time will come again when you'll be able to feel it again.
>>36368995If you have insurance seek a therapist. They can help you through cognitive behavioral therapy and it will help you be less anxious about society and change your thinking behaviors. Besides that, I can't help you, I'm just an anon who cares. I wish you luck though, seems like you're going through a lot and I hope you get help <3
>>36369073>>36369088Thank you anons, it means a lot.I'll lean on this advice instead of leaning into despair.
>>36368997>gender dysphoria is shorthand for existence dysphoriaGender dysphoria is/comes from its own thing, just like being homosexual. Experiencing sexual frustration or something like that as a homosexual or heterosexual can both be reduced to a universal thing, but I don't think gender dysphoria just comes from worrying about/not fitting into existence.
