Anonymous
07/24/24(Wed)05:36:30 No.36637132

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Anonymous 07/24/24(Wed)05:36:30 No.36637132

>troon 5y hrt, started at 19yo
>never been much brainwormed, just the normal amount from more or less regular misgendering
>even though I think I started kindof late, I'm quite lucky regarding my body type and mannerisms
>was never much of a man to begin with, just lived as a twink for a few years until I couldn't anymore
>always been in hugboxxy environments that made me actually doubt if I could pass consistently in the "real world"
>however I've only had non-chaser cis partners that told me I was pretty and made me feel safe
>currently have a long term bf who really loves me for who I am and shows it
>I know I am super lucky and I don't take it for granted and put a lot of effort into my appearance, but still don't voicetrain so I don't pass as much as I'd like
>in a way I don't want to let go of the queer environment that has helped me in many ways but somehow I hate that it enables my laziness towards voice training. I know I should do it if I want to ever be stealth
>even after all these years I still feel like I'm consistently failing and even when I pass a 99% of the time I'm scared that I will feel like a failure
>sometimes still wish I could just live as a twink even though none of my friends know it
>I am not scared of faking it just very tired from almost six years of slow, slow progress
>still know I'm putting it in so much more effort than boymoders ever do

On one hand I wish I wish I was more brainwormed to keep my arrogance in check and boymode until I passed better, and on the other hand know that by living as a woman sometimes (maybe 70% of the time) passing and hitting my head against the wall until I get everything right is much more stupid and dangerous but I learn way faster. Still, learning faster is too slow and I keep feeling desperate even with all that I have. I know the solution seems to be just voicetraining but right now it feels so daunting and I can never seem to do it right. I just want this all to be easier.