i did everything i was "supposed to"i found out about hormones from you retards. i was ecstatic. a life of denying my attraction to men, finally accepting it, only to realize the taste of wrongness at the thought of being a gay man still hadnt left. because i was attracted to straight men. and so i thought i had found a way out. i became obsessed with starting ASAP. and i did, i "trooned out" as a teenager.>thought i was safe>nearing half a decade now >don't pass, not cute, cry in the mirror, cry myself to sleep >hate all of my clothes, all of my things, all of my skin, all of my life>it wasn't enoughi never came out at school. dropped out of college after 1 semester. applied to hundreds of jobs, for years, no response. a lifetime of intense OCD, autism, learned fear and cowardice, parents whose bad habits and laziness led my body to irreversible mutilation long before even puberty.>cant go outside without having a panic attack>feel like a rapist just for being within 20 feet of a woman even though im only into guys>obsessed with what i cant have>compare myself to everyone>ive become a soulless monster>desperately looking for any crumb of smug unearned arrogance i can find to momentarily suppress the knowledge that i am sub-humanthere is a deep, painful humiliation, knowing you started younger, earlier, have been at it longer, had a privilege unavailable to 95% of the people you know. and then watching, year-after-year, as each and every one of them surpasses you.i think this kind of midshittery is a unique type of hell. missing out on the benefits of blockers, missing out on socialization, but without any sort of financial safety net that mightve been built during repression. like a curse to never advance, never achieve your goals, never be happy, never feel human. trapped forever in the waning twilight of adolescent boyhood, evermore alone, without hope or any reason to keep breathing.
>>36656151i guess i kinda know the feel? my parents let me do whatever in daycare and preschool so i was straight up just a girl doing girl shit and only having girl friends. but idk, they didn't take it seriously and eventually i was sorta just forced to be a boy. i can't remember a time after preschool where i wasn't depressed, antisocial, etc. because of itbut if it's any consolation, AI is advancing really fast. we probably reach a technological singularity in a few years and then you'll be laughing. promise
>>36656799hey this is basedi was the same way in preschool then the same way afterwards until finding out at 15 and hrt at 16, but im still pretty antisocial and depressed even now,,most of my friends except for a few really close ones and my wife know me by a weird intermediary chosen name that was close enough to deadname that people wouldn't get suspicious and it wouldn't be a burden to use instead of my actual chosen name.>never done makeup>girlmoded in public like once or twice>refuse to go girlclothes shopping (i really like them, but someone who looks like a guy shopping for that stuff? miss me. ill take the androgynous buttondowns and cool pants with lots of pockets any day)>collapsed in on myself and split into a bunch of different personalities after a particularly stressful and never-before-experienced night a couple months ago (still dealing with that)>basically living as a guy despite having been on hrt for a long while and having a largely passing body and face (even malefailed consistently the last few times ive been out in public despite wearing the most boring shit ever)>mfw i will never live as a woman>mfw im *not* a woman (nor a man, im just a thing, it's complicated)>mfw idfk what the fuck is happening to my brain the past few months (no drugs or anything so ig its just from that one event?)=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= ANYWAY =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=the AI bit is very definitely real. imagine the stuff AGI singularity will let you do to your body just cause it can invent the technology on the spot for whatever you want.
>>36656799that sort of happened with me as well, the majority of friends i remember from preschool were girls, but it didnt last long. i was being pushed into "male" activities early on, which i hated but couldnt understand why. my parents werent rigid evangelicals or anything, they just did it because "it's what you do". they decided i was just "shy", introverted, whatever, some natural quirk i'd overcome if they threw me in the pool enough times. those sparse memories of preschool are some of the only times i remember not feeling small ashamed and disgusting. each year after i became more and more withdrawn, which i realize in hindsight was incredibly obvious and outwardly visible but because i got decent grades and didnt have outbursts at them like my brother my parents decided to just pretend i was fine so they wouldnt have to deal with the burden of having two problem children.desu i think that social withdrawal could be a subconscious way of rebelling against that regime of "male socialization". those of us who lacked the knowledge to know why it upset us but did not have the stoicism or willpower to force ourselves through the hypermasc forms of repression. maybe autism doesnt share some undiscovered genetic link with troonery. maybe we just become autists as a form of self-preservation.
>>36657056>that sort of happened with me as well...>...those sparse memories of preschool are some of the only times i remember not feeling small ashamed and disgusting...yeah basically all you said is very similar to my upbringing too>maybe we just become autists as a form of self-preservation.maybe? im very much gifted boy to weird fucking trans girl pipeline (they even got me iq tested and shit when i was like 7 and i did well) so the tism might have already been there but the negative effects of it were worsened by having to turn off the majority of my brain for 16 years of its development.
>>36657056yuuup, i was constantly being pressured into *some* sort of physical activity, so i picked judo since it seemed chill, and it kinda was... until my first tourney. never thought people could be so aggressively physical, it was wildly disorienting. i left crying and my parents kinda gave up after thatsame with the shy introverted whatever shit. i hate that i internalized so much of what they thought i was, especially since i've been far more open with my friends and we've stuck together like glue because of it. i'm not introverted, i'm just wearing a mask all the time and it's tedious as all hellsame with my grades ahaha, literally "oh they're not failing school, they're fine" it's such a cheap way to pretend it's alright that your kid hasn't left their room for years lol>>36656972i wish i had found out about dysphoria and transitioning at 16- i just remember thinking it was *obviously* medically impossible to become a girl for some reason and not even bothering to truly figure out what was wrong with me. i would google "spells to turn you into a girl" or promise god i'd be really good if he'd make me a girl and otherwise just cried myself to sleep or indulged in some sort of escapist mediabut yeah, totally get the "not a woman or a man" thing. i feel like i'm an eldritch abomination, some sort of pseudo-man "thing" that's burst out of the corpse of my younger girl self. it's just exhausting, honestly. i want off this wild ride, mr christ
>>36656151Damn anon spitting facts.t. 7 year hrt boymoderFugg.
>>36656151this but an entire decade (still manmoding)
>>36657836for me it was having other kids call me a bitch at games and just generally being the worst player and being able to tell I wasn't liked for it, tho the worst memory i had was having my hand get smashed by the ball and having the entire team and my parents, who'd already decided on my reputation as an over dramatic crybaby, try to convince me that i was just "scared" or it was just "vibrations" or whatever, took until i got home and showed them my swelling cracked thumbnail to actually be believed
>>36657955do you also perpetually feel like youre in early transition and so crushed by shame that making any progress at anything feels impossible :(
>>36660486Yeah. Like, I've been dysphoric to the point of being able to actively articulate it to myself that my distress was from not "being a girl" since I was 12 at least, every single day without respite.But here I am, 7 years hrt, having had trans surgeries even too, and I feel like a pervert moid trying to invade *real* transwomen and women's space by like... wearing a fucking bra.But it doesn't actually matter, a cute BDD boymoder passoid could say the same thing and it's an entirely different thing. Because of me being the person who lives my life, it's not the same, it's... everyone would just say my self-doubts are the truth creeping in or something.It's over, it really doesn't matter anything if you are fem/female or w/e idk sorry I don't know the exact words to say to not offend someone but like, it's just about how you look and come off at the end of the day. God is a lie, and making us believe in a just universe would be seen as a cruelty in a just universe.
>>36660526>and I feel like a pervert moid trying to invade *real* transwomen and women's space by like... wearing a fucking bragod big moodim sorry anon i feel the same way a lot of the time, i wish i never got these uniquely hideous neanderthal genetics, i wish I hadn't let my parents try to turn me into a soulless suburban monster, i wish i realized id wanted to be a person sooner :(
>>36656799same kinda but it went on longer than that. i knew i would have been better off if i had been born a girl but it wasn't really a huge deal because i didn't really have masculinity pushed on me in a big way. in high school i mostly hung out with the queer theatre kids. would've been a youngshit if i'd been entrenched into toxic masculinity or forced into friendships with boys but nooooo society had to be all woke and now i'm a midshit
>>36656799It's not and the fucking chatbots are not advancing anything serious. I too wish we had AI overlords whi'd make us all cute girls
>>36661652i was the opposite tbesu i was so weak and pliant that i only really could've been coaxed out of my crushing fear of everything in a woke world. unfortunately i got stuck in the last year possible before wokeness was dominant and got stuck in the epic ben shapiro retard wave instead. im sorry tho anon :(
