i feel as if i am literally a different person than before i transitioned. i feel like my soul is female, was always female and like i need to be female. and at times i feel heavily distressed about not being born female.the person who inhabited my body in the past, he was not this way at all. we share memories, some interests and ideas and personality traits. i know that person was me. but it feels like i was never them. i feel like i am a new person, a woman's soul who must inhabit a male body.when i think back to my childhood, or especially when i look at old photos and videos i recorded of myself, i simultaneously identify that person as me, but feel boggled that he became who i am today. if he could know who i am now, i think he would be boggled too.when i am called my birth name, when people whom ive known my whole life do or say things that remind me that i am him, always was him.. it just feels uncanny, and a tad distressing.maybe i simply repress this connection to my past because i feel uncomfortable that i lived a male life. its true, i often find myself distressed that i was not born female, that i lived this life up to this point rather than a female's life.but i know that's unhealthy. i am who i am, i cannot be someone else, and at that point i am just comparing myself to my peers. it would've been nice if my life was exactly how i wish it was, but it can't be. i have to accept that.do you ever find yourself living through other people?my soul feels like it doesnt want to live this life, like it wants to abandon its past and start anew. even if i must have a male body, at the very least wants to be totally socioemotionally disconnected from the person i used to be, from the life i once lived.
Honestly same and you put it into words elegantly I have a new name, new appearance, new emotions thoughts and mannerisms. When i think of myself from when i was a boy i know it used to be me but i cant believe i got to where i am today. It just feels like im rebuilding myself in the image that i see fit and is normal to me
>>36661839>>36661945It sounds nice anon. Kind of desireable really. To change so much to be free of your old self. One can dream...
>>36661839tbf a feeling of disjointedness from your perception of your past self isnt very unusual. id say its a pretty common experience w growing older and then catching yourself looking back at how dramatically your life has changed. it dosent have to be distressing if you interpret it as a pretty typical human behavior
>>36661839I honestly feel the same anon. When I look at pictures of my past self I can't even really think of them as a human being. Just this creature against which pain was inflicted. I share some similarities with him but I don't meaningfully feel like him. I sometimes have a hard time recognizing my early transition self as the same person in the mirror today. I wish I could just start again. Even if I had to be a tranny. Just relive life as the person I am now
>>36661839I can relateit feels incredibly jarring to be confronted with my male past - and not only in a "I don't want to think about that" way but like a genuine existential double-take for lack of better words that that person and I are theoretically the same.It just doesn't feel that way.I'm sorry for the malebrained comparison, but the best way to describe it for me is like booting up a game and loading someone elses save. You understand what's going on and all, but how did you get here? What were your next plans? Why are things the way they are?
>>36661839yeah its weird I dont really talk about it because it sounds delusional but its true and its weird
>>36661839Not that I can fully relate to your experience, we're all alone in the particularities of our individual lived experience. But even as a cis man I can acknowledge and relate to some of what you say. Like you said I didn't get the life I wanted, I just had a life. I didn't become who I expected to, nothing went to plan and I have no solidity by which to identify myself with the kid I left behind. Those cells are gone, his time is over, most of the memories of him are burned away by time. In truth I can hardly remember enough to relate to him anymore, I'm just what's left after life stripped him of himself piece by piece. A shambling depressed husk of an adult watching entropy take its course on his very being in every sense, as well as the world around him and all he cares about. Don't forget you're just as much human as any other, I don't doubt your lived experience is unique to you in ways I'll never know, but I'd like to think at the end of the day we can relate in more ways than not. We're all facing oblivion alone, together. Even the easiest life is still an ordeal of suffering, hardly to be envied were there an alternative. That's all, I can't relate to you ultimately, but I understand the cold dread you feel on looking back into the void and seeing a stranger.
>>36661839giwtwm but I'm faketrans
>>36661839yeah i honestly feel like i swapped places with the person i was. he doesn't exist at all anymore. the person i see in old photos isnt me, i just took his place.
>>36661839tl;dr visit the chudpol
>>36661839Definitely a common experience. Like I know I have all this history but to actually think of myself as a BOY at any point is so weird. ANd we're told we're supposed to be proud of it or whatever, but it's just a mark of trauma. I think we just forget everything but the now. Maybe that's why adults can be so cruel to children sometimes.
>>36665234Question. Since you forgot most of the experience of being a boy/man and it feels alien to you, shouldn't you be healed from your trauma?
>>36665234Also is it conditional on passing? Lime do you have to pass super well as a youngshit or whatever for it to happen or does it come from everyone eventually?
>>36665336I wish I could forget ever being a man.>>36665345Idk I feel I don't pass but I mean I don't get misgendered except by people who know (by reading medical records usually these days) and want to be mean.
>>36665373Well maybe there's still time. I barely remember anything from about five years ago, though my memory is shit. It might be a blessing if I reach some level of passability
>>36661839I used to feel this way, and of course I have said before "female soul" is a very real thing (in that there is a specific gender dysphoric neurological configuration, this was demonstrated by a study although I forgot the name of it).Oddly enough, the more I've come to know the stereotypical "femcel" the more comfortable I am with my early life, because I realize if I was born cis female I'd probably be similar to them, and I think the way I acted as a kid and a teenager is likely how they would have acted if they were trapped in a male body.Anyway anon your words are very affecting and I hope you find peace one day. Please remember that the past is vaporous and life is just a ride. You are much more than your past. You can rest and put it behind you.
>>36665427If you're curious what I mean by neurological configuration, basically the study found that there was an average male brain, an average female brain, and an average mtf brain and an average from brain, and all four had distinct amounts of grey and white matter and sizes of certain brain parts. Quite interesting. Wish I remembered the doi.
>>36665451*Ftm not from
>>36661839I have a similar experience though it makes me sound insane and delusional to actually say it. I used to have DID, three alters that existed for most of my life up to this point. They lived life and developed themselves as people, then not long after the trans question was brought up they...Well a day happened where everyone just sort of merged? Or disappeared? I don't know. But I know "I" appeared that day. Now I'm here, nearly three years later and I feel surrounded by the ghost of a life that wasn't mine. 4 degrees of separation from my birth name that I'm still called, and a knowing that I'm a woman, I'm my own person. But they still linger in and over me, echoed in a room full of things I didn't buy or know. I don't know who I am I just know that I'm not them, and I desperately wish I could break away from it all and truly start new while somehow respecting their memory and hardships.
>>36665397yeah but I'll always remember I had to transition and if I could just be cis now I'd be so much happier. I mean I have a pussy it's done; I just wish I was allowed to be done.
>>36665427>>36665451https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8955456/ ?
>>36661839your past was an act you were playing to get you to by to where you are now. its normal to hate that act now that you are who you want to be or you are on the path to get there.also lets all love Lain
>>36665531It was a different one examining all four. But I'll check this one out. Looks interesting.
