File: sig_5.png (138 KB, 913x1565)

138 KB PNG

Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: https://kiwiirc.com/nextclient/irc.rizon.net/#/lgbt/sig
Discord: https://discord.gg/pUuXdBjKX2

File: GFs50VebwAASwJg.jpg (350 KB, 1246x1206)

350 KB JPG

Actually WFH today because academia is fundamentally incompatible with having rights and I am growing increasingly weary of it. Responses later, I did not expect the thread to keel over.

>>38422948
sorry for letting the thread die :c I saw it on pg8 and wanted to check back later to bump but it was too late

>gott
very important to think about, this is actually the first year I used a planner reliably and I set out a few goals for this year
With the end of the year approaching and me feeling like my life is miserable I looked back at what I had written down as goals for 2024 and surprisingly I accomplished almost everything!
Which really gave me the much needed perspective to understand that I keep moving the goalposts and the person I was a year ago would be amazed at the progress I have accomplished, even if I right now feel like I'm failing.
>gained weight (lost some again but working on gaining atm)
>took care of all the trans/surgery related paperwork
>took good care of myself
>applied myself in uni
>got a new job (was fired from it for getting sick but at least I took a chance)
>worked on anxiety
all that's left is to finish a screenplay, but I have today and tomorrow to accomplish that and I'm optimistic I can make it happen!

As for next year, I'm not 100% set on my goals yet but of course I'll want to find a new job again, hopefully make some friends, take my hobbies more seriously and invest more time in them.
And I guess I'll have to learn to move on from my current relationship because it is in its death throes and I don't think it's salvageable at this point. I just get terrible anxiety at the idea of having to be alone but I suppose that's just something I'll have to learn to live with when the time comes.

File: heart_malina.png (693 KB, 1300x1300)

693 KB PNG

Not the most primo of moods but I am trying to slowly catch up.
>>38407106
>if you remember I was the one with the flaky coworker friend who I of course never ended up meeting up again with until this very day
Oh yes, I very much recall. Did you end up getting any means of contact? I must have suggested it but I don't remember what came of it.
>same here honestly but I don't really know how to make friends
>I work with women exclusively but most of them I find it hard to bridge the distance
Hm, can you describe what is making it difficult for you?
>the ones I am friendly with don't have single male friends they could introduce me to
do they know you are looking?
>bouldering is such a solitary sport it's really not the situation to chat up guys,
It's worth a try I guess, I know friends that love bouldering too and made friends in bouldering halls. I don't know much about the hobby but I guess what happened was one guy wanted to try the same wall next and so watched my friend's techniques, and once they finished and came off the wall he chatted them up.
>and even if I would, like I said I'm so worried about if thing go anywhere
It's your insecurities talking. Besides, it is just another thing that can sometimes exclude a partner. All this shit is trial and error remember, and that means that most tries will end up not working out. Rejection is something to get used to, and you will, and you will learn to accept that being rejected is not a personal defect of yours.
>I truly appreciate it despite my ramblings
I know you do, and I appreciate the time and effort you put into it regardless of inebriation. I hope this response finds you well.
>as long as I hate myself, how could anyone I talk to not?
It's the other way around in a way. You gotta accept that those around you don't. You have to let their words impact you. It will slowly erode the self loathing.
>I truly want to believe that someone will love me for me
I will reiterate that as often as you need to hear it.

File: 342159363394919fed9502a6e(...).jpg (453 KB, 2048x1368)

453 KB JPG

>>38407165
I mean, yeah therapists and medical doctors can be extremely dogmatic and will be very opinionated in often unproductive ways. However, if your therapist is actively getting in the way of your efforts then the question is whether it is easier to work around their quirks or see if another therapist would simply suit you better.
> will use them to nullify any of your complaints
Could you expand on that?
>I can't tell you how much I hate psychiatrists
Did they just throw meds at you and called it a day?
>>A lack of meaning
>yes
We could try tackle that by seeing what things in life could drive you, even when it doesn't feel like it would help right now simple things like a sense of belonging or the fulfillment of a creative urge can be a source of motivation you did not know you had until you experience it.
>>38408147
> It's just another day, and I want every day to bear the meaning of NYE
very fair by the way, I think it can be useful to have arbitrary dates set up to review one's progress, though oftentimes that would need to be more than once a year to have a desirable effect.
>>38410717
>>38415684
Keep us posted, Santino!

File: malina_1.png (93 KB, 436x549)

93 KB PNG

>>38407477
>Two of them I would probably annoy with my negativity if I talked to them daily.
Definitely NOT what you need right now, agreed. What about the third?
>I stay off social media due to privacy concerns and principles
Yeah I get that. There is a reason I almost never really name drop online communities myself. I say they exist, and let people who want to try that fill in the blanks, but I have the exact same hangups. I hate making accounts and I don't like clearname shit at all.
>coding nerds which i am not.
guilty as charged. What are your interests, though?
>It's still the same and I'm not very talkative
>the only confidant that i have ever had. now there isn't anyone to share life with.
This is extremely difficult and does need mending. Finding people is difficult and no matter how one goes about it but it all ties into a handful of factors, one is that you need a place that people repeatedly frequent to initiate contact. Hence the interests question.
>why do you do what you do? i'm surprised this general has lasted so long.
An interesting question. On the one hand, it's a lotta work to keep a general like this going for 2 years, especially since I set myself the goal to respond to people if nobody else does and try to be proactive in my support of the general. However, I do recognize several anons. Sometimes peeps come and go months later. I feel appreciated, and people are helping both themselves and each other, and obviously me through that. But through that effort, look around.
>Community sounds like a myth at this point because I have never belonged
If nowhere else, don't you very obviously belong right here? I created a place for people to come and go, and while it is not a great medium to make friends it certainly is a community. And one I cultivated essentially from scratch. And I derive meaning from supporting this community I fostered. This is not something unique about me or this board, anyone can do this, on or offline. Am I making sense?

File: __malina_helltaker_drawn_(...).jpg (317 KB, 2732x2048)

317 KB JPG

>>38413417
>I'm just scared that I'll be a failure to her
Hm, in that case I feel what you need most is reassurance.
>>38409480
All very good, actionable points I feel, at least in principle.
>I know there's not a single checkmarkable goal here but this is what I have to do and everything else will follow,
>I have some personal projects to work on but I can't do anything without consistency
Sounds perfectly reasonable, yes! The start will be rough probably but it sounds like you have a general game plan. Do ping us if you feel stuck at any point, okay? Remember that you don't have to figure out everything on your own.
>>38411398
> does anyone know how to stop hating myself after every social interaction?
>anytime i get home from a social event i hate myself and feel uncomfortable
What you have is called post-event rumination! It's a typical thought spiral. You can't think yourself out of it, what you need to do instead is twofold. First, accept that following the pattern of thinking (that is humoring it, asserting how you did etc) is unhelpful. Accept that it is a healthy part of your mind (wanting to help you be social) doing an unhealthy thing (leading you in circles making you anxious over things most people would not even remember). You know, like an auto immune reaction. Distract and reward yourself. Breathing exercises, music, sports, things like that. Telling yourself actively that having talked to people is enough and the details are irrelevant or can be inquired later (when you see them again). You can also "talk at" the thought process rather than "with" it. Example: you start worrying about how you reacted to/pronounced a thing or whatever. You try to just think "I'm over-analyzing." or "I'm thankful for how X reacted to what I said, they seemed pretty chill."
>>38413570
Would you say this thread is part of the real world? The people making it?

File: EZB8zDxUwAAclkT.jpg (880 KB, 1500x2000)

880 KB JPG

Grocery shopping, haven't quite caught up but almost!
I'll be back later.
>>38416346
Alright, make sure to get it out of your system, and then I need you to tunnel vision and focus on the question I asked you, for your own good.
>How are your other pursuits going?
>>38415115
>>38415126
Welcome back, anon!
>but seeing these issues allows me to see my friend as more human with flaws in all.
AWESOME! A clever approach, anon!
>I think at this point I am almost entirely over her and am glad to have her as a friend because I really value her as one.

>>38422948
Went from grade 2 obesity to normal weight this year. GG. Might have anamoded a bit buuuttt it's all fine now.

Bump

>>38422948
>Goal of the thread: Rather than resolutions per se, how about you tell us about your accomplishments of this year
got job
>, and (in case you have no concrete goals to share) what are the things you would like to change about you/your circumstances?
fix health and learn local language, hit the gym if health good enough, start socializing, get car, get own place, start dating, find love again, generally start living

File: media_GZOTeCBaQAA11i7.jpg (136 KB, 1170x1200)

136 KB JPG

Spending new year's with my love is a nice change of pace.
>>38423134
Awh, don't worry about it. I grumble for a few minutes but I'll survive. I would have bumped myself if not for work.
>surprisingly I accomplished almost everything!
First of all, that's wonderful to hear!
>I keep moving the goalposts
Yep, that is nigh universal, which is why I encourage using /sig/ as an impromptu journal like this from time to time. You don't feel the 10k steps you already walked, only the 5k ones ahead. Don't beat yourself up too much for not always feeling the immense progress you made, but lemme assure you it was clearly an extremely fruitful year for you, Anon! I'm super happy for you.
>I'll want to find a new job again,hopefully make some friends, take my hobbies more seriously and invest more time in them.
Given your track record I am confident you will manage, I hope it's nice to hear that we're rooting for you.
>And I guess I'll have to learn to move on from my current relationship
>I suppose that's just something I'll have to learn to live with when the time comes.
The key advice I can give you there is to lean on people, if you can. Whenever you feel like holing up, be extremely critical of that impulse. Suddenly a month of holing up has passed and you don't feel any better. At least that's my personal experience.
>>38424705
Well done, Anon! I hit my goal weight at the beginning of the year, and after trying to shave off another 10kg and realizing I hit too many plateaus for it to be worth it (since my original goal of hitting a "normal" BMI was already taken care of). We made it.
>>38425280
A win overall then, I'm glad to hear. I really should get into Ankis myself eventually but I will postpone that to next year where I'll learn whether I will stay in the country I work in presently or move back to its neighbor. Do you feel like you know where to start, generally?

>>38425484
>my love
congrats siganon, it's great to hear you have someone!

my hair seems to be thinning out so I've been letting it grow out instead of getting my standard military fade and I'm kinda liking having long hair again, haven't had it this long since I was a teen

I have a math final today, it shouldn't be too hard but I should be studying for it right now. gonna go do that. wish me luck folkz.

File: 49f074e44eaf6fe5f0259ad33(...).jpg (1.31 MB, 2160x1620)

1.31 MB JPG

I made some New Year's resolutions after all:
>get my weight under control by eating better, drinking less alcohol and moving more
>start making music again; make album
>do well in my studies

Inshallah I shall achieve them

GOTT: I did well in my new job, got much physically healthier, improved my diet, almost removed alcohol, and dramatically cut but on cannabis use. I barely use any substances anymore!

>>38423134

Amazing job with your planner and goals! You've motivated me to write down all my 2025 goals during the new year transition.

>>38424705

Congratulations! That's a huge accomplishment, and if you sense you're going too far in the other direction, then good job listening to that instinct and maybe make some corrections :)

>>38425280

Excellent job! I hope you've been able to start getting your finances nice and square as well.

>>38425712

Inshallah you shall :)

File: GVZHhtiaMAIrDGC.png (332 KB, 481x676)

332 KB PNG

I question if I can fashion some process by which I may reduce, deconstruct, and rationalize away thoughts and reactions which serve to stymie progress and sew inaction...
It feels a dire and deep discomfiture to grant such ethereal non-things as doubts and fears power over this world of physicality and energy.

File: 1725624482055137.jpg (2.36 MB, 4096x3196)

2.36 MB JPG

>>38422948
GOTT: Started my Transition. Made new friends. Slowly eroding my walls and little failures feel even smaller. Looking forwards. Gradually doing better. Cried as mucha s I needed to.
I wanna get out of my shell more. I wanna deepen my connections. I wanna Live.

>>38425777
>Excellent job! I hope you've been able to start getting your finances nice and square as well.
Yeah, due to living in a cheap slumhole and having nolife, I've ended up refilling the emergency buffer and more, although I need to start using those resources to try and get to a point where I can live life, I'm starting to feel the time flying away

File: EZLboGkVAAAFEI2.jpg (674 KB, 2362x3035)

674 KB JPG

>>38425650
Best of luck, anon! Also, consider getting minoxidil. It can help a great deal with this kinda stuff. I like to grow out my hair as well, I have ever since I was little.
>>38425712
Rooting for you, Gwen. You're one of the trips I rarely see hanging around with us (or maybe my memory is failing), so I hope it is nice to hear at least you're always welcome.
>>38425777
Glad to hear, Anon. Sounds lie an all around win!
>>38425789
Maybe you can benefit from looking into post-event rumination as well, the mindfulness techniques that crop up surrounding that might be what you are looking for, or maybe I am picturing the wrong kind of thoughts.

File: IMG_20240514_051509_389.jpg (93 KB, 923x1280)

93 KB JPG

>>38425598
I do feel genuinely blessed that I have the people around me that I have. The last major goal I have in my life is to one day have kids.. I will need a surrogate for that probably, but I will have to see.
>>38425813
I am so damn proud of you, Angel. I think you know, but it bears repeating. As often as you need to hear it, frien.

File: media_GCVEl43aQAAXmKZ.jpg (552 KB, 2048x2732)

552 KB JPG

Let me for once do a bit of an /sig/ related artist's showcase.
Several of the artists I post stuff from seem to go through all sorts of things.
The artist who made picrel is @noaharbre (noah). Seems they had quite a rough year too, on top of a lot of AI slop having been made in their style without their consent this year. Here's a recent post (it's very ESL but you get the gist)
>This year, I became mentally ill because of my company, and for the first time in my life, after decades of painting and living, I broke my brush. I could no longer paint. I even underwent abdominal surgery due to stress.
>However, after a period of rest, I gradually recovered and gradually became able to paint again. And van-sensei [1] presented some great works, which was very encouraging.
>I hope to work more next year than this year. It is a short life and I don't want to waste my time giving in to mean people. The world is full of such wonderful works of art, I should respect and enjoy them and express myself.

[1] I think they mean vanripper, the Helltaker creator.

File: tumblr_15ee202bd7f758445d(...).jpg (206 KB, 1532x2047)

206 KB JPG

The artist behind the stupidly thick versions of these characters is @USA37107692.
Another japanese artist, they seem to be struggling with self worth a lot, but seem to at least receive a lot of love for their artworks. Of course these parasocial things can be a double edged sword, but I wish 'em well.

bump

>>38422948
>gott
This year despite all my complaining was actually a really good year. I started having some really big successes with my mental health and very little breakdowns in fact I can only remember maybe 2. I overcame my fear of talking to people online and made some friends, which helped lead to even making irl friends something I've wanted since grade 5. I started being more active though I'm incredibly inconsistent with that. I also started looking for work and I'm hopeful that next year I'll land something.
As for goals because I still want to have them I want to be active regularly. Get a job and maybe even move to a new apartment. I also want to overcome my fear of and disdain towards taking pictures of myself so I can maybe even look into dating. I'd also like to start cooking and baking more often. I think those are pretty attainable the pictures one will be the hardest though since I've yet to take a picture where I look like someone I can see someone being interested in let alone loving but hey maybe being active helps that.

Good night
Someone else bump when I'm sleeping

Can't wait to sig

>>38429974
A I'm gonna bump you in your sleep

Gonna go innacity to buy headphones wish me luck

File: tumblr_916a0b98c8e6bde337(...).jpg (391 KB, 1261x871)

391 KB JPG

This year I managed to slowly wrestle some control of my life back from my depression and began the process of getting it back on the rails. I started with stupid things like going on evening walks and doing some cooking and it gradually grew from there. I strongly advise any lurkers (yes, you) to give it a try for a few weeks.
My goals for next year are to find a job of some kind and make some more progress towards social transition. I recently visited my friend for the holidays and met some of their friends. The whole time everyone was calling me my chosen name and she/her and I can't stop thinking about it. I just want more. Hopefully I can get it.

merry sigmas to all and to all a new year

>>38431451
Good fortune to you on your travels!

Actually got therapy after asking for it at my current clinic for 3 years and in just 6 months I've improved so much I almost can't believe it.

Thought I saw my ex and instead of getting a panicked trauma response I just felt fine. It's pretty liberating.

With that also comes a huge defeated feeling. How would my life have looked if I had actually gotten this help when I first asked for it 10 years ago? If I hadn't stagnated?

File: sample_ef8cc2df689c4b05dc(...).jpg (193 KB, 850x1134)

193 KB JPG

I did not get my headphones. I initially went to some high-end consumer audio store, and felt way too poor to be in there. But the guy behind the counter was very nice. He told me where to go to get the kind of headphones I want. But it was too late. Everything had already closed for NYE. But no matter. I went to Nordsee for a fish sandwich, which is much better than headphones. Then I took the tram home and stopped to get groceries.
I'm not sure where to go for NYE yet. I think there's a free concerto in the city. Maybe I'll go there.

>>38431475
Thank you.

File: sample_cc2f8c88e8784e80fd(...).jpg (128 KB, 850x673)

128 KB JPG

Thread theme: https://youtu.be/J_e9BUGVc08?si=AWH0MGwPHuwUMraW

>>38425935
>I am so damn proud of you, Angel.
I dunno if you remember but one of the first imes I came to this general I was complaining about never hearing my family say theya re proud of me. And you asked me to tell you how you can say that in Greek. Well here you are a year and more later...
Thank you.

Happy nye sig anon

happy new year sig. this year will be hellish but it's gonna be worth it in the end.

HNY /sig/!!
Need eeps..

>gott
got my mental health in check, started my transition
id like to get fit for the new year, hopefully gain some muscle mass

alright alright all the holidays are over it's back to sigging for you lot

Good night

I was browsing some old discord account and reading old chatlogs.
It seems I used to really care and enjoy helping people

I dont anymore, I couldnt care less about people, specially trannies. It took me a long time to realize and accept how much I hated trannies and faggots despite being one myself but I guess its alright

>>38434705
I love this pic

Happy new Years Sig!
love ya

File: media_GfD88dib0AAQzID.jpg (144 KB, 1066x1200)

144 KB JPG

Happy new year, everyone!
Final day before making my way back to work, it will be a two day trip but only because takeoff is super early in the morning on the 3rd.
>>38428419
I'm happy you made connections this year, anon! I wish you and yours a lovely start into the new year.
>I also started looking for work
I'm wishing you all the best, it's currently a bit more luck based than it ought to globally, but we will endure the trial and error phase I'm sure.
>I'd also like to start cooking and baking more often.
Me too! I always find weekends to be a good start for that, I also noticed that if I have cooked a few days in a row my inhibition to do it again is lowered. Maybe that will help you as well.
>I've yet to take a picture where I look like someone I can see someone being interested in
One thing that helped me personally is seeing pictures I hated (any of mine) being looked at by others. Honestly it took years for it to get through to me, and having worked on myself to the point of becoming normal weight helped a great deal independently of that, but external validation did do chip damage to my awful self perception.
>>38431475
>I started with stupid things like going on evening walks and doing some cooking and it gradually grew from there.
Absolutely! It is the small steps at the beginning that are the most important, I cannot stress this enough, depression is insidious as hell at its core. You did amazing.
>I recently visited my friend for the holidays and met some of their friends.
>I just want more. Hopefully I can get it.
You can. An accepting environment is such an important, healing thing. I hope you get to experience it plenty, and wish you nothing but the best for your social transition and job search!
>>38432406
I hope the store you found will have the headphones you want next chance you get. <3
I hope you had a pleasant NYE! Happy new year, anon. And goodness, I haven't been to a Nordsee in ages.. rare to see another Germanon! Glad you treated yourself.

File: f735e71e4b0fca7853090e35d(...).jpg (322 KB, 1536x2048)

322 KB JPG

>>38432372
>in just 6 months I've improved so much I almost can't believe it.
I'm happy for you, and relieved you finally got the care that you need.
>How would my life have looked if I had actually gotten this help when I first asked for it 10 years ago?
These kinds of regrets are only natural. We are often subjected to things that aren't in our power, and it is okay to grieve. But the majority of our species has never made it past the age of 20. We are quite bad at having a sense of just how much life lies ahead of us. I hope you don't feel alone with those feelings, at least. I know you will move forward and carve something meaningful out of the many many years ahead. We will all make do. And I hope we can make do together for a little while longer! <3
>>38432936
A great pick! Had this particular version of Auld Lang Syne stuck in my head yesterday:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcxkW6yReSo
Happy new year, anon.
>>38433297
And thank you, Angel. I'm happy to have you around.
>>38435955
Happy new year to you too, anon. I wish you all the best, and hope you are doing okay.

File: media_GSdkP7kXwAER18R.jpg (154 KB, 1200x960)

154 KB JPG

>>38437116
It's gonna be a tough, tough year for me too. Time to strap in I guess. I wish you plenty of people to lean on, we will all struggle along best we can.. happy new year, anon.
>>38437318
All the best, anon. Hope you have a supportive environment/people you can be out to!
>>38438841
it's much appreciated, I hope you know <3
>>38439395
I'm sorry to hear, anon. What makes you feel this way? It sounds like you're hurt. Hope that's not presumptuous to say.

File: media_GYBQi4Lb0AYniRK.jpg (139 KB, 794x1199)

139 KB JPG

Gonna take some time to rest now, I think.
>>38440707
Happy new year, anon. To another year of maintaining this little general, my own love letter to 4chan and the people I share it with.
>>38426654
originally considered listing a couple more artists but didn't trust my memory enough, so I decided to stop at the two I most vividly remembered things about to make sure I don't accidentally spread false rumors.

this year I want to focus on not procrastinating both duties and fun
I'm going to work and study with no distractions and I'm going to play games almost exclusively on handhelds, not using my phone, not checking imageboards and youtube
one thing at a time
I'm going to make every device I own only good at one thing and bad at everything else

>>38425484
as always thank you for your words of support, your thread is pretty much the only reason I come here anymore
>I hope it's nice to hear that we're rooting for you
it is. It honestly doesn't mean much because none of you know me obviously but still, someone believes in the idea of me at least! that is something!
>lean on people
unfortunately I have pretty much no one to lean on... which is exactly why I flip flop so hard between doing anything I can to keep the relationship going and wanting nothing more than finally getting out of it because I absolutely ignore all my needs and values for the sake of continuing it (since otherwise I'd be completely alone)
I know it's not healthy, trust me, but I think I'm just now barely strong enough to take the leap of faith and leave her
But yes, holing up is something I'm prone to do and I know it makes my anxiety worse so I'll try my hardest to drown myself in work or something when/if it happens

bump

People always say that I need to love myself but it sounds like such an empty statement, I don't really understand what it means. How do I love myself?

>>38443615
self-care, not saying mean things about yourself, not hurting yourself, etc.

>>38443639
How do I stop saying mean things about myself?

>>38443651
in my experience it's just practice, but I needed therapy to learn how to do it right

>>38441266
>I'm sorry to hear, anon. What makes you feel this way? It sounds like you're hurt. Hope that's not presumptuous to say.
trannies are awful people, they're selfish and mean. It took me years to realize it was such a common trait among them but I met thousands of them over the years and now I regret helping a so many of them.
To find out later in years how many of thems are pedophiles, rapists, groomers, harrassers, trying to steal money from people, really disgusts me

>>38444274
I've been going to therapy for years and I still don't really know exact things I can do.

>>38444786
yeah it took me about 10 years and 3 clinics to find what worked for me, it's kind of fucked
idk if it's called the same in English but "chair therapy" was a bit of a breakthrough for me, but I hate doing it
also just having friends that challenge my thoughts often, but I get that my insecurities might not be the same

>>38445325
Haven't done chair therapy, I'll be sure to remember it for my next appointment.
>just having friends that challenge my thoughts often
I have this, but I'm not around them often enough. When I really need them is when I'm on my own and I've let my thoughts wonder.

>>38445482
I hope you find something that works, anon
being your own worst critic is hard to deal with

Had such a fun nice night on new year's eve that it's making me question my life now. I woke up feeling extremely depressed today and I don't have many social events soon so I hope I can just stick to my daily self improvement goals for now. I've set myself a deadline to change what I'm doing but it'll probably derail my life and make me feel even more depressed for a while.

im going to write my father a letter for his birthday

Good night

>>38446465
this might be a bit like post-con depression maybe

>>38449152
definitely a little bit it's also genuinely made me reconsider things. I can't get into detail but it made me feel fulfilled I'm a way my life and choices usually doesn't allow. I've made some decisions since to change it

>>38449194
this sounds interesting (and possibly relevant to me) but I won't pry

I will start a social movement that will make it illegal to have fun on NYE or any other night

>>38449204
im happy to talk about it but i have to vaguepost, assuming you mean relevant because its similar to how you feel/your experiences?
>>38449247
:(

Ah, I just want to make a reply, but the stupid spam filter is picking up a word or phrase I'm using and I cant figure it out. I'm just gonna send it as a couple posts until I can narrow it down.

>>38422948
Hi sig!
I wanted to thank everyone here in this thread. I mostly lurk, but you all are an awesome light on this mostly dark board.
>GOTT
2024 was pretty ok! I'm still in indefinite boymode, but I'm starting to malefail a lot, and my dysphoria doesn't feel quite as heavy as it used to. I finally graduated, and I somehow maintained a 4.0, despite my severe procrastination and constant last minute submissions.
>Goals
My reasons for boymoding are external, so I don't really think my goal is to get out of it, at the moment. I think my biggest goal for the short-term is to start being more productive. I got hired full-time at the job I was working at during my degree, and it's largely WFH, but it's so damn hard to work from home. Ever since this last semester has ended, in particular, I've been sleeping well over 12 hrs a day, don't even know why. If I can be productive at work, my life will actually be in a pretty good spot.

>>38424094
So it's you who always makes these threads! You're awesome! <3
>>38424352
>post-event rumination
I also do this a lot! It's not always negative, though. Sometimes (though certainly not all), I'll leave a social event, review it on the drive home, and be happy with how it went.
>>38424705
Damn, congrats!
>>38442132
You and me both! Procrastination is the worst.
>>38444274
If you don't mind, would you be able to share some tips for reducing negative self-talk? I'm better right now than I have been in the past, but it still feels pretty reflexive at times.

>>38449427
(WTF the spam filter rejects it as one post, but accepts it entirely unchanged when separated into 2??????????)

>>38449427
>If you don't mind, would you be able to share some tips for reducing negative self-talk?
there's this >>38445325
other than that it's just a lot of active work, I couldn't really do it until I really wanted to get better
try to challenge the negative thoughts: are they logical? is it really the case or are you just filling in the blanks?
the reflex remains, because that's just what you're used to after thinking that way for so long, but just trying to work on it instead of just going down the spiral is already a huge step
a while back I rolled my eyes because I was sick of my own shit lmao

you got this, anon

File: 1735651232281163.jpg (440 KB, 750x744)

440 KB JPG

every day is getting quicker

>>38449597
Thank you!

File: IMG_3710.jpg (61 KB, 638x638)

61 KB JPG

Hi /sig/!

I lost 21 lbs (9 kg) last year. Also, I walked 298K steps in December, a new personal best for one month. Hopefully I can do 300K in a month sometime soon.

My panties are getting loose, so I ordered smaller ones yesterday. Loving the symbolism of me ordering new panties on New Year’s Day.

I’m going to shop for some proper running clothes this month. I’ve been able to do a bit of running and jogging on my walks, but I need clothes better suited for going faster than walking. I have looked at jackets like pic related on Depop. Eventually it would be nice to have something to exercise in that reminds me of her. I’m not very sports literate, but I think Panty’s jogging outfit is based on merch of the Brazilian soccer team. I started finding stuff that looked more like her clothes when I added “Brazil” to my searches.

Oh, speaking of my namesake, the new season of PSG is supposedly coming out this year. A new teaser dropped a few days ago. So that’s a nice thing to look forward to.

I’ll talk about cooking in a separate post.

File: phonto.jpg (731 KB, 1929x1298)

731 KB JPG

>>38451727
Panty here again. As promised, here are some things I cooked recently in the pic.

Left is a stew made with sweet potatoes, spinach, tomatoes and chickpeas, a vegan spin on a West African dish called Mafé. Turned out great. The recipe uses a slow cooker too, so it was really easy to make. I found it in a list of freezer-friendly meal prep recipes.

The other thing is a kind of homemade Hot Pocket; bread stuffed with pizza sauce, pepperoni and mozzarella. These were delicious, but I’ll be fine tuning the next batch. I bought a pound of uncut pepperoni to dice instead of using pre-cut slices. I think diced pepperoni will tuck into the dough more easily.

I'm on a quest to finally be rid of my sexuality and leave the LGBT, forever. I'm participating in nofap, but aside from that and reminding myself how disgusting bisexuality is, I'm not sure what else to do.

File: sample_3985a9945e5d24b38e(...).jpg (109 KB, 850x654)

109 KB JPG

I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be with people either. I just want one meaningful connection. This loneliness is killing me. Being around others is so draining. I'm very tired

bump

>>38449427
>The third doesn't have much to say.
I keep feeling like refusing to engage on popular platforms, however evil they are, is holding me back. All the boomers are on facebook, plenty of smart people there. I like bird photography, biking, and reading about plane crashes. Unfortunately I am just an amateur at all these.
I talked to him again, better than nothing, since I was feeling like dying. We couldn't stop flirting. He says it'd be different irl. I want to believe. I love him more than myself. New problem arised, that he said he'd looked at ftm porn and doesn't think he can fuck a manly face. I wish he'd told me earlier.... I am really desperate. I don't think I'd find another ever, pureblood, affectionate, handsome, educated, countryman who likes this broken bird. I've been hormonally transistioning for almost 4 years. I don't think I can do it. I have my own doubts....
>If nowhere else, don't you very obviously belong right here?
I am just a selfish guest. If I read others' posts, either it's wow good for you, or wow that sucks, or lacking context, or "why aren't i doing as good as that". I talked to him, didnt spend any time here.

File: media_GYz1zr5bQAAlLWX.jpg (121 KB, 1024x994)

121 KB JPG

travel day, updates probs tomorrow.
Please stay safe everyone.

File: 0BF62D3C-685E-4136-9401-4(...).jpg (115 KB, 640x400)

115 KB JPG

>>38422948
im going to work on music more this year and make more progress with learning Russian so i can be even closer to my wonderful wife

also maybe videos of some sort... maybe random whatever

>>38454268
>polyend play
this fucking hipster garbage, why not just use a laptop

>>38454284
its not a polyend play its a polyend synth, i dont have play only tracker and synth

i enjoy dawless its fun; though i must admit i got more things progressed faster in daws in the past- i say thats because im still learning most of my devices; i dont get alot of time with them because of my poor health

File: sample_4b5ee43b8a8dd486e8(...).jpg (141 KB, 850x1022)

141 KB JPG

>>38454514
>polyend tracker AND synth
>like $1400 to make music in a more inefficient way than on a laptop by her own admission

>>38454558
perhaps she has money to throw around on things like this for fun ... I never knew this about her!

File: c30f7054de152cf367b2f286d(...).jpg (1.8 MB, 2312x2852)

1.8 MB JPG

>>38454592

>>38454778
>coprophagia analogy

>>38454778
Think of it this way, unlike on /g/ nobody here made an argument about it being optimal, and you sincerely made a case for there being a cheaper and more efficient way to go about it. However, since she already has the stuff, if (even through sunk cost) encourages her to create things (which is good for her), it is good enough from a self improvement perspective. Remember, when it is about finding things that motivate you anything goes, *especially* the irrational motivators!

>>38454852
yes
>>38454856
Fair enough.

>>38454592
not really but if i do payments i can get something sometimes

>>38454558
>mc707 my mom got me in 2020 a few months before she died, the last big thing she ever got for me, after much argument
>mpc one plus on the aforementioned little payments it just got paid off after 6mo
>a few others
>4 Vocaloids from a decade ago and a few daws, mostly use Studio One

im slowly getting better with things and trying to progress my ideas a little when im feeling well enough- if my health had not went off a cliff in 2015 i would have completed an album by now, maybe 2; but i feel myself a poor songwriter

also used to be learning the chinese Guzheng; but unfortunately i doubt my hands can do it anymore...

>>38456263
you know I think your whole )* thing is a little bit crazy but you've been on tttt for quite a while. And you're actually always trying to make the most of the shit hand you're dealt, health-wise. You're persistent, outright hopeful all things considered. That's kinda pog

File: __ayanami_rei_and_ikari_s(...).jpg (116 KB, 850x1258)

116 KB JPG

happy new year. In the grand scheme of things I didnt accomplish much in 2024.
I don't know how to put this without sounding dramatic, but I am still actively suicidal. recently this lead to me deciding to test a theory I had by using an antibiotic outside of its intended purpose. So far... It seems like I may have been right all along: I may have a recurring infection in the left portion of my head that wasnt cured by previous broad spectrum treatments.
They'll probably berate me when I tell, but the fact that my left nostril shot yellow blood filled gunk out and that my eye can move around with little to no pain after my experiment is ... concerning.
if they refuse to listen to my requests after this I will simply continue. I dont care, it's not like anything they've done for the past 4 years has worked aside from antibiotics and steroids anyway. what the fuck do I have to lose.

Good night

>>38454268
Please do not shit up this thread with your cult bullshit, you haven't so far which is honestly surprising but please leave that shit to all the other threads where it doesn't belong either. Just not here this is the one good place in this god forsaken board exactly because attention whores like you usually stay out

File: IMG_4691.jpg (371 KB, 1452x2048)

371 KB JPG

>>38456416
thats what the goddess has given me; infinite love, bountiful hope, and a positive lense to see things through; with her by my side (and especially now my wife ); i can survive almost anything

my health is tremendously poor; my body crumbles more every day and i get injured just from moving around at home; but ive never been so happy in my life thanks to my heavenly wife; and i never would have found her if not for something pulling me to be myself on this board; to be seen instead of hidden like i was all my life- and to go out of my way to share my beliefs and goddess and just be warm and kind and decent to people here in this hellhole

i wont lie it does get a little disheartening at times with how trashy some can be to le here; but i still endure even though i found my wife- because i know the people here are suffering through much of the same things i did in my life- atleast trans related; and just maybe- someone treating them differently, showing them the example i try to uphold, and sharing my story, could give someone some hope or just brighten their day a little- people on this site revel in their cruelty and hatred of eachother and other people; i revel in love and beauty- and i will always try to come at things from a better angle here- i may fail sometimes, but not as much as everyone else does without a thought

i believe this world, and particularly people who find themselves coming here- desperately need Ellaphae and the things she represents, and i will keep trying to show you all what it means to be this way, to live like this and treat others like i try to-

i really do hope everyone can find the blessings i have, and that they can learn to be better people that hold something of pureness and decency within them

i believe i reached the good things of my life today because i am this way, embraced these things- i believe others can find happiness too if they just try to be better to others

sorry for my long winded nature

File: cringe-cringe-meme.mp4 (114 KB, 320x182)

114 KB MP4

>>38459717

Good morning

>>38459717
kill yourself and/or leave us the fuck alone

pg9

File: media_GNU2ducWoAAm5wb.jpg (131 KB, 1200x675)

131 KB JPG

Got home eventually after a long day of traveling, slept a bunch after treating myself to a nice meal, and am slowly coming back to my senses. I'll catch up slowly but surely tonight I think.
>>38442132
Excellent game plan overall, a lot of procrastination boils down to sabotaging opportunities to do so, for example by physically separating leisure and work things.
>>38442218
I'm glad to hear /sig/ seems to be a net positive in your life, even if a small one. There's of course a limit how much strangers on the internet can do in terms of emotional outreach but I am elated to hear about every small positive impact we make.
>unfortunately I have pretty much no one to lean on...
It sounds like your best shot at resolving your relationship issues would actually finding new friends/making contacts you emotionally resonate with. That way you would feel confident and safe letting go of a relationship that is not working out, and (tell me if I am a bit naive here) there is of course also the chance that you depart on good terms, meaning you'd be left with a friend to rely on.
>>38443615
>I don't really understand what it means. How do I love myself?
Ah, the googleable keyword you'd be looking for is probably self compassion. It strongly depends how you treat yourself to begin with. If it is self loathing, then the first step would be to try and figure out what fuels it, what kind of thoughts you have about yourself. Some can be challenged on a more intellectual level by a change of perspective, others are easier squashed by a more brute force method like repeating words of assurance like a mantra. Try to write down the things you concretely dislike about yourself and the negative thoughts you catch yourself having. That would help us help you.

File: dab7b4199a8fad268b01632ba(...).jpg (1.16 MB, 1191x1684)

1.16 MB JPG

Important heads-up for everyone (but also addressing >>38449431): I have started limiting the maximum amount of replies I make per post to 4 because I noticed that 5 or more >>[link]s are almost always clocked as spam since the most recent spam filter update, it is complete bullshit but it's important to know I think.
>>38446797
>im going to write my father a letter for his birthday
Oh nice, when is his bday, roughly?
>>38444278
>I met thousands of them over the years and now I regret helping a so many of them.
>To find out later in years how many of them
That sounds rather strange, anon. If you knew that many it would be incredibly strange that a lot of them being bad people would have suddenly revealed itself to you. Especially since the things you list are very typical accusations of people demonizing legbutts I would like to know more about the circumstances that led you to come to the realization how the many people you thought you knew were actually like. I hope I don't sound too confrontational or anything. I'm trying to help because it sounds like you were personally hurt by other lgbt peeps, and it led you to generalizations that will only cause you pain.
>trannies are awful people, they're selfish and mean.
what personal experiences led you to that?
>>38446465
>I woke up feeling extremely depressed today and I don't have many social events soon
That is often called post-event blues, I think. I also heard it described as dopamine crash; a thing you were looking forward to that went well ending and basically giving you happiness withdrawal afterwards, making you feel empty. They keyword might be useful to you! But it sounds like you have unmet social needs. Could it be the long term fix would be spending time with people more frequently? What would get in the way if it at the moment?
Also, mind sharing your goals?
>it'll probably derail my life and make me feel even more depressed for a while.
could you elaborate in what way it will?

Currently reading: The Sacred Prostitute by Nancy Qualls-Corbett
https://libgen.is/book/index.php?md5=E8AFA6E0A412EA7E5B8BCA307F59AA06
https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/907793.The_Sacred_Prostitute

NGL, kinda slacked off last year. Started presenting as femme more often in safe areas and went to pride, but really feel like I didn't do much else just due to the shitty head space I was in. So I decided to make this the Year of Reclamation. My gender identity was not the only thing that I repressed/compromised. It's time to get back the things I've hidden away (my sexuality, my spirituality, etc.) and to start building the body and mind I want.

Been going on walks and doing yoga for about 3 weeks now, added some body sculpting exercises last week. Planning to eventually do a body recomp some time this year and hoping that I will be able to start HRT some time this year/ early next year. Started doing things like affirmations, feminization hypnosis and reading to help expand my thinking. Transition and getting a remote job are my main focus, but have a few things in R&D. Right now, the most important thing is for me to show up.

File: 554a1a5f64307694682c87b9b(...).jpg (532 KB, 2849x4096)

532 KB JPG

It's nice to have my coffee making equip with me again. I forgot the handle of my grinder so I was kinda screwed the past two weeks.
>>38449420
>I mostly lurk, but you all are an awesome light on this mostly dark board.
Thank you anon, I hope you know words of encouragement like this do keep me going. It sounds like it was an overall productive year for you! I'm happy your transition is progressing well.
>it's so damn hard to work from home
Yes, I would say two of the most important things I would urge you to take into account are a physical separation of work and leisure and a self imposed schedule. The sleeping for 12 hours thing might be a symptom of you not leaving the house enough. I suggest some form of physical exercise, walks would do. These things are often caused by something super menial you don't pay attention to.
>>38449427
You're kind, anon. It is a lotta work making these threads and working out so many replies but I genuinely enjoy doing it overall.
> review it on the drive home, and be happy with how it went.
That is of course a lovely thing! I was more thinking about a flavor of social anxiety but affirmations like that are a great, healthy thing yes.
>>38450631
Does it feel like the days are blending into each other?
>>38451727
>>38451809
Happy to see you, Panty. Sounds like things are progressing smoothly on your end, wonderful! You've always been persistent, and you've got the results to show for it. Looking forward to PSG25 as well, if it isn't delayed. But to be fair I'm still so surprised we get a sequel at all I don't mind waiting. As for your cooking: something that can be quite nice is to knead coarsely grated cheese into the dough for things like this. Give it a try sometime!

This year I took a dose of a psychedelic substance (not a high dose, mind) and finally managed to get rid of the toxic self-hatred and shame that my mother (and my peers) seared into my skull by subjecting me to a full two decades of neglect and nearly constant criticism.

Now I'm in actively good moods much, much more often, I can genuinely say I'm doing okay when people ask how I am, when things don't feel great I still feel like I can get through it, I accept compliments, and I shine with the inner light of knowing at least one person in my biological family probably loved me for real, even though we barely spent time together.

Feels great. After being in a deep depressive hole this summer and the relief was indescribable :3

Also, carved a love spoon. Offered it to someone I love. She was happy. Good shit. Spent a lot of time on that project. Felt rewarding.

I miss joking about suicide though, it was fun but I just don't feel like it anymore. Drowning was my favorite one to joke or muse about. The romanticism of the ocean, etc.

>>38424443
Pretty good in some areas and not others. I think I have chosen what degree I want from college. I am going to find ways to calm down more like breathing exercises or something because after all this I was just panicking and wanting to die and go to jail. I am going to look for another hobby to do because I do have one, but involves interacting with people and there isn’t much people to play with everyday to focus my mind on and not be scatterbrained. I am going to find ways to 3D animation and probably buy some anime so I could watch at home because I have a Blu-ray player and there are some series that I would just to love own physically. The parts were I am not doing alright is how to actively do things because I do things and then drop it and I have a track record of doing those things over and over again. I want to try rubber ducking but it’s kind of hard to do so when there are a bunch of people and lots of noise going on that it makes me uncomfortable and I usually talk about these things inside my head and I get stuck there and I just repeat cycles again.It kind is hard to look up stuff when I don’t have internet except for my phone. Luckily I do have some places where I can use internet that I can look up about mental illness and just watch funny videos,

File: __mother_lumi_original_dr(...).jpg (764 KB, 2568x4035)

764 KB JPG

>>38453724
>I keep feeling like refusing to engage on popular platforms is holding me back.
It's difficult, too. Every platform has its own social climate after all and it would take someone from within the community on that site to know more about it.
>Unfortunately I am just an amateur at all these.
Being an amateur is a good thing in this case, it means you have plenty to learn from others, and I assure you people will appreciate a reason to nerd out at someone. At least plenty people will. You might wanna research if there are any local interest groups for that kinda stuff, esp bird watchers and outdoorsy stuff I mean. Outdoor gear shops and adjacent shops should have knowledgeable people on site being able to refer you to places of interest... after all, who would they sell there stuff to if there was no place to actually pursue that hobby around?
>I talked to him again
I see.. it's difficult. You think he will get over his inertia issues with a little help? I assume you would like to mend things.
>he said he'd looked at ftm porn and doesn't think he can fuck a manly face.
In my experience porn is not really a good indicator. You don't feel the person in front of you. The only real way to know if it can work is, well.. to figure it out in the sheets with patience and foreplay.
>I don't think I'd find another ever, pureblood, affectionate, handsome, educated, countryman who likes this broken bird.
>I've been hormonally transistioning for almost 4 years. I don't think I can do it. I have my own doubts....
I have more faith in you than you have, I'm afraid. For now it certainly seems too soon to lose hope from what you're saying. I can't know whether giving him a second chance will work out but I can assure you you would find other people in due time regardless.
>I am just a selfish guest.
You share your struggles and discuss them openly. It makes people feel less alone. Without people like you /sig/ would be supremely dead.

File: 12851cb6febc362256c7dc550(...).jpg (1.31 MB, 2604x3596)

1.31 MB JPG

>>38451850
>reminding myself how disgusting bisexuality is, I'm not sure what else to do.
This would only lead to self loathing long term, shame based stuff like this will only screw with you with little benefit. Let's take a step back: you don't wanna be bi, but tell me why. It's certainly means to an end so I am trying to figure out what you hope to accomplish with that. Besides not being bi. Try to explore the reason.
>>38451901
>I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be with people either.
>Being around others is so draining. I'm very tired
You probably exhaust easily from interacting with groups, right? It can be quite exhausting and it's easy to end up quieting down and ending up just watching the conversation play out.
>I just want one meaningful connection.
Do you feel it's finding the right person to approach that is the issue, pulling them close, both? I would love to help.

File: 2ddadb52430b90fe6277f59a0(...).jpg (90 KB, 600x688)

90 KB JPG

>>38454268
Feel free to keep us posted on your progress!
Do the two of you live together, do you have to move countries long term?
>>38459717
nta, and I'd be the last person to chastise you for verbosity given I am a verbose fucker myself, but I would like to say that as glad as I am that your faith is helping you cope on top of your relationship, I'd be ever so grateful if we kept the details of it outside of the thread, since it often seems to deal psychic damage to people/cause heated debate. I'm sure you understand. Do tell me how you learn Russian though, more a book person, flash cards, courses?
>>38457373
Happy new year Shinjinon. Glad to see you as always.
>I don't know how to put this without sounding dramatic
It's not dramatic. If anything I am sorry you have to deal with these feelings, but I understand that you are suffering quite a bit.
>They'll probably berate me when I tell, but the fact that my left nostril shot yellow blood filled gunk out and that my eye can move around with little to no pain after my experiment is ... concerning.
It is.. good God.
>if they refuse to listen to my requests after this I will simply continue.
I am sorry that you are basically driven to self treatment like this. But, on the other hand, you do it to persist in your own way. And I want you to live and thrive.. I know it is not much, you've always been such a sweet, kind soul here and there is little I can do for you in terms of support. But I hope talking to them about it will elucidate what is going on at least a little. How many Xth opinions you must have consulted already.. I am so glad you are still fighting on. Here's to hope.

File: 1646194077273.png (1.04 MB, 865x1121)

1.04 MB PNG

Okay, time to rest.
>>38463963
It's hard to overcome inhibitions and a poor head space, it sounds like you made up your mind and have a good overall game plan, so to say.
I'm wishing you all the best on the transition front! Also, on a slightly unrelated note, I really appreciate that you posted the libgen link to the book you're reading to make it easily accessible for people who wanna take a closer look.
>>38464421
I am glad you have overcome that baggage, anon!
>Also, carved a love spoon. Offered it to someone I love. She was happy. Good shit. Spent a lot of time on that project. Felt rewarding.
This is super rad, I assume you used wood? Or metal?
>I miss joking about suicide though, it was fun but I just don't feel like it anymore.
You could try to fill the hole with something with a similar dramatic flair. You could also put the premise on its head and try exaggerated confidence. Things like
> I woke up at 7am sharp today. Clearly, I am a God walking amongst mortals.
>>38464774
>I have chosen what degree I want from college.
Excellent!
>I am going to find ways to calm down more like breathing exercises or something because
Yes, perfect, grounding will be essential for you I think.
>I am going to find ways to 3D animation
>I would just to love own physically.
Oh I know that feeling, I miss physical stuff for visual media. I suppose blender is the de facto standard for 3D stuff these days, sadly I dunno much about these things though.
>The parts were I am not doing alright is how to actively do things because I do things and then drop it and I have a track record of doing those things over and over again.
So consistency is an issue. Hmm.. you were also looking into therapy, right? I am sure they'd help you with that too, since it seems to be a focus thing.
>it’s kind of hard to do so when there are a bunch of people
A bunch of people? What kinda place you have in mind?

>>38466413

>I am glad you have overcome that baggage, anon!

Couldn't have done it without extra help, though. Lesson to be learned here that knowing you should love yourself isn't enough, because sometimes, you just can't. I couldn't. It's a little humbling, although I've always thought I'm just a confluence of external factors and that I, as a person with an ego, have comparatively little power to shape myself.

Literally during my trip I told my sitter that I'm not allowed to love myself, that it's FORBIDDEN. That was early on.

Imagine how deeply entrenched it had to be for me to feel that way baka.

>This is super rad, I assume you used wood? Or metal?

Oh, I totally used metal. Ordered some uranium off Amazon. Mounted it on a lathe to shape it. Now I have this glow to my skin. Glam.

No, yeah, I used wood. Basswood. It's a beginner-friendly wood that is easy to carve, but retains details well and doesn't break too easily. The whole thing was basically a kit with a bunch of stuff, including the knife, the patron, instructions, etc. And safety tape I should have used so I wouldn't accidentally stab and cut myself so much, but having scars is fun.

> I woke up at 7am sharp today. Clearly, I am a God walking amongst mortals.

Ahaaaaa, nooo, of course not. I'm already fairly narcissistic, if I did that too much I'd be insufferable.

The self-hating part of my narcissistic personality disorder is gone, probably for good, and with it gone I'm way less insecure, but I still have other traits that I don't need to encourage. I'm still entitled, I still feel like I'm special, I'm still envious, prone to comparison, hungry for attention and validation, and I still compulsively gather information about others as an attempt to gain power so I can feel safe (it's a form of self-soothing)

Sometimes I do joke about being awesome. But, ah, it just isn't the same. Morbid humor is way more fun. Way more poetic. "I'm great" just feels too simple.

trying to get better emotionally but everytime i try to do something i screw it up bad and feel so stupid or horrible at that.. even with the activities i have been doing for a long time i suck at why am i such a screwup damnit !!!!! i feel terrible again after this week full of fuckups. hopefully tomorrow i will become god and then i shall be the best in every endeavour :DDDDD

File: 9.jpg (390 KB, 961x1280)

390 KB JPG

>>38466413

I'll show you the spoon. Here :

Anyway, my previous message hit the character limit, but I wasn't done.

First off, you can call me Ila. If I ever come back, you'll probably recognize me by my extreme prolixity. Might never come back, I'm not a 4channer. Just felt bored.

My trip was something else. Tears streamed down my face without stopping for hours.

At first I was on mostly about nihilism, and how badly it hurt to see people suffer so much. I felt terrible pity for humanity. Then I moved on to being sad and lonely. Then to my mother, and the Machine. What I called the Machine (and still do actually) was an amalgamation of the church, nuclear family, repressive society, capitalism, basically exploitation in general.

Talked about my mother's history. How she was raised by cold narcissist. Etc. Then I moved on to my father, someone I'd barely known and thought I didn't care about. But oh no, I did care, and I needed to grieve, and I didn't even know.

I told his story. Don't wanna do it again now, I'm already writing giant walls of text as I am.

But basically, the crux of it was, he taught me chess. That became a symbol and a sort of proof. I reasoned that I didn't remember him being scary in those times. That he managed to teach me chess, me, a stupid little 5 year old, and that he must have been patient to manage to teach me. That maybe he wanted me to grow up to be like him, a brilliant, educated lover of philosophy and things that elevate us. I also remembered that I was told he said, when I was born, that he finally felt like a father (I was the last of 5). And I thought "Why ? Why me ? I was literally just one more. What was special about me ?".

.

>>38466746

>continuing :
This led me to realize he probably loved me for real, and that I had needed that so badly, but just didn't connect the dots until now (for many reasons). That's how I was able to be free of my self-loathing, was a weird loophole of "Wait, one person loved me so I'm worthy of love actually, TO HELL WITH MY MOM"

I remembered he died miserably from ulcers, squatting over a sink. That my mom had manipulated him into shackling himself to her for 20 years, into a marriage he couldn't undo, because as catholic, he believed it was unthinkable to divorce. But the last time he saw me, he was happy.

Anyway, chess became a symbol of his love for me. Meanwhile, I was even more disgusted by my mother, remembering her truly evil schemes. To this day I'm baffled she could be this callous. She broke him. He could have lived to see me grow up and become myself. Maybe transition himself, as he had clear gender fuckery going on, too.

My takeaway was that my mother, she taught me shame. To hate myself. She taught me, implicitly, that I'm a sinner who needs to be washed, even though I didn't do anything (those last 5 words I shouted several times, desperately sad). But my father, he only taught me chess. The contrast was pretty meaningful to me.

>>38466777

>continuing
When I'd gone on about my father a while, I audibly asked myself why the fuck I was talking about him so much ? And then I asked "Is it because he was the first person to ever love me ?"

I immediately broke down crying even harder after saying that. Powerful stuff. I'm a very theatrical tripper. I definitely talked like I was preaching, almost. There was also this underlying theme of the purity and innocence of childhood, and stuff about how lambs are the thing that should least be killed.

Stuff about sacrifices. How my mother and father and siblings have all been sacrifices, blood for the Machine, as I kept repeating. "I won't be erased with the tides, I'm fine, I'm fine", "I won't be blood for the Machine, I won't die for the Machine", I would say.

Some stuff about how a sacrifice is something you preserve so you can kill it. That you make it grow so you can kill it. That you make it exist so you can choose to kill it. Felt profound.

And that's why now I want to carve chess sets rofl

>>38465316
Well, I am an incel and it would take far, far too long to change all of the factors that make me an incel. The only method I've had to express my sexuality has been masturbation, which I feel horrible about. I've come to dislike LGBT people over my moral beliefs. Perhaps I've developed a case of sour grapes over sexuality and attraction in general. The way I see things, it would be easier to get rid of my sexuality than try to accommodate it to my situation.

Thinking about suicide method gives me comfort because if I ever want to exit I know I can

Good night

File: FodGHV3XEAE5Ic0.jpg (5 KB, 138x246)

5 KB JPG

>>38469256
Goodnight (I love you!)

Hi everyone, my name is Samia. I don't know why I'm on 4chan again, but I decided to come to the lgbt board cuz I know trans people hang out here a lot. I was on 4chan before when I was younger some 5 years back, mostly hanging out on /v/ and the porn boards. For most of my life that was my life. Porn, school, and video games. Oh and of course the ever-present depression that never seems to go away. Looking back it's kinda crazy how much I've changed as a person, the only parts of that past of me that remains is the crippling depression and I replaced my porn addiction with an addiction to cigarettes, weed, and lately booze. I love myself a lot more now at least even though life still feels like hell. I started my transition march last year and it's been a hell of a roller coaster. Transitioning was probably one of the easiest and hardest things I've had to do. Easy because I passed pretty easily and hard because of all the other shit. I guess that's probably my biggest accomplishment for 2023 was having the balls to come out to my family and finally start my transition, something I've been literally dreaming of since I was a kid even though I didn't know that I was trans or even that it was even possible. Yeah lately and for a while dealing with addiction and depression. Trying my best everyday to stay strong and happy, but its just so hard.

bump
It's cold af outside.

stayed hydrated
but at what cost

>>38468440
this. I'm still not sure which one I'd go with tho

>>38474343
pee

File: 1683610316313994.jpg (18 KB, 386x432)

18 KB JPG

good afternoon sig
going to try lean into drawing practice today to distract myself

>>38422948
for the past two years ive been questioning whether or not I should bite the bullet and start hrt. i was really depressed for at least eight years and it got worse when I started living by myself. I went to a psychiatrist this past July and got on antidepressants. she gave me them saying that some people are just depressed because of a chemical imbalance. the meds worked fine, cleared up brain fog and made it easier to get up in the morning but still suicidal thoughts and self harming. next session i told her about how being a guy made me wanna die. she referred me to a consent clinic where I got on hormones on August 15th. it didn't fix my body issues immediately, I still have them to this day but i don't have that impending feeling anymore that im on a timer and my body is constantly deforming.

I was and still can be suicidal. it's not an off switch. I got moved to another psychiatrist because the one I was with left the company and was told I likely have bipolar depression instead of major depressive disorder. when I was medicated for the former I finally stopped having suicidal thoughts on a whim. there's still the occasional bad day where I'll feel bad, but I think im setting a good foundation for myself going into the next year.

>>38477457
congrats on four months! glad to hear its atleast resolved some of the issues you're dealing with.

glad youre also getting help for potential bipolar. been struggling with something similar myself. sounds like you've had a good start to the year

Good night

another morning spent in existential dread over being almost 30 and no longer young and desirable and also not having friends, a career or money or anything people are meant to have when they're 30

why didn't I just call the fucking therapist who specialized in gender stuff when I was 18... I could have had such a normal life in my 20s

>>38479597
iktf all too well, anon
A late start doesn't mean we can't start though

>>38479604
I know and most days I feel like I can make something out of myself but today is not one of those days at all
just feels like there is no way at all to catch up anymore so why bother trying
how do you get out of these thought death spirals?
I always thought I was above being an addict but unfortunately these days alcohol is all that seems to help reliably

File: charlie-conspiracy-always(...).jpg (61 KB, 800x600)

61 KB JPG

I wish they could figure out of it's bipolar or schizoaffective with me. I've gotten both diagnoses and when I last ask my therapist, she basically said yes to both in the sense that she doesn't know for sure which one. I don't wanna be a schizo I don't wanna be a schizo I don't wanna be a schizo

pg9

>>38480090
Fuck I missed this
Yeah for me it was weed because the booze kept making me throw up and I have carpet

I honestly don't have any tips on how to get out, for me it was just after too many disappointments I was sick of it and finally got the motivation to push for change (audhd so ggs) and also getting on meds helped. Tbh it also took one final big fuckup in my eyes to really see I needed things to change. I have the luck of living in reasonably social country so I had help through therapy (finally) and counselling and meds and organised low effort stuff to help fill my day. I still feel like I've not even started though

Just go step by step and don't expect too much from yourself in one go. You've struggled with this for a reason so there's no expectation to now suddenly get it perfect. Try, struggle, fail, and again and at some point you'll start making headway. That part is hard if you want to die so getting on meds definitely helped me there but I know meds aren't always an option for a number of reasons.

>I always thought I was above being an addict
You're not any less of a person for not being able to take the struggle anymore. The world is shit already for people that manage fine, it's so much worse if you're struggling with other things too. If you don't get the help you really need then numbing it is the second best thing. We're not designed to deal with this mental shit all the time.

File: 1698190852770139.png (201 KB, 662x515)

201 KB PNG

Me when I see girl boobs

File: 1660169076700971.jpg (110 KB, 1200x1190)

110 KB JPG

>>38463232
>Oh nice, when is his bday, roughly?
Its in Feb. Im not looking for a response I kind of just want to probe to see if he is dead.

bump
I need to clean my room

>>38485459
I did it... despite the Polar Vortex...

>>38483944
would they not invite you to the funeral if he were

Book Suggestion: Both/And Thinking by Wendy E. Smith & Marianne W. Lewis
https://libgen.is/book/index.php?md5=5D89C13D23292E9C513DF7B4FAF1C281

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/60735744-both-and-thinking

One of my worst habits (partially due to neurodivergence, partially due to trauma) is either/or thinking (otherwise known as black and white thinking or dichotomous thinking). This book helped me realize that no two sides are as incompatible as I have a tendency to think they are and helped me work on developing a new framework in my thinking. Invaluable to anyone suffering from this.

>>38480090
same here. have been drinking a week straight. i don't want to become my dad. won't drink today though

bump

>>38486339
They would have no way to contact me.

>>38466413
There is a bunch of people with us atm and since I think too much of what people think of me it affects me whether I like to say that I am not. Honestly, what the fuck happened to twitter it is so fucking horrible there was talk of how bad the state is in and how much apparently CP there is. I remember now that there is a place where they taked about crack. That is where I got like 1/3 of my porn and just ahhhhhh why is it more safer to get my porn here than twitter. Honestly nowdays it is sort of easier to get softcore porn from Youtube and just like that sucks. I know this is coming from my perspective, but I wonder what happened to the internet. I also what happened in our lives because well of MAGA now just being in our lives for 4 years and just man this really sucks

>>38488704
Also turned out one another one I was following was posting in high school and that should be illegal regardless of they are 18 but also a drug dealer. I swear to fucking god the only time my fetishes were done by actual gay people and not queerbaiting of straight is CP it is such fucking bullshit and it’s like men wearing masks shouldn’t be hard to find, but it is for gay porn. The few they do have are good but it’s only of ghostface and one ski mask, but it’s like I want more different ones.

Good night

pg nine
remember: drink water. But not enough that your pee goes clear. That's too much.
Stay sigging.

>>38490482
I'll drink as much as I want

>>38490482
but water tastes good..... why should i not overhydrate

>>38491025
I'll pee in it when you need to stop and you wont even notice because of my perfect crystal clear piss.
>>38491031
but, but anon, the pee levels

Wish i wasnt a moid

Receiving patronizing praise for underachieving makes me feel so angry I can't think straight

First day of work this yeah went ok, but ughh

File: nskk5cliv10e1.mp4 (225 KB, 418x310)

225 KB MP4

Bump. I've imbibed zero carbonated water beverages today due to a dearth of availability, and I'm soon liable to rendered unsound of mind.

File: 256.gif (232 KB, 452x254)

232 KB GIF

good afternoon sig. hope you have nice productive days today. please look after yourselves
>>38494239
keep it up nona
>>38495986
what's your go-to

>>38496695
>what's your go-to
La Croix — Pure or Mojito.

how many hobbies is too many if you're trying to get good at them

>>38497452
it really depends, usually the sweet spot is 2-3 for things which require basically endless practice/engagement. but if they're smaller then maybe 4-5

Good night (going to bed early tonight so keep it bumped for me...)

>>38465303
>hobby discussion
... yeah i hope so, but i am doubtful. local interest, facebook. Actually I had just stayed over a relative's and there met two other bird photographing neighbors while birding, strange.
>bf
I think the upheaval he is planning to do to his life will make that conflict obsolete. Now i'm more worried about the sexuality incompatability. I thought about it more and thinking of going off hormones and being a woman gives a feeling of terror. Either possibility independently still feels off. this and a weird feeling about the new year prompted me to try to get into divination, but i think the relationship outlook question is not supposed to be asked. It would be a big disappointment if we find out when we meet (not anytime soon) that it could not have worked at all. I fear i have attachment issues, and that i'd then have to fear twinkdeath. My gut feeling is that it will always feel like a compromise in some way. Unless I somehow geniunely get over the tranny feelings.
All these precognitive feelings. Have any experience with those?
Upon further reading the thread is pretty interesting. Don't think I'll butt in quite yet.

My roommate complained to the landlord about a few tiles in the shower being moldy and now they'll redo the entire bathroom
so a few weeks of strange men in the apartment and no shower at home to cry in and probably higher rent when it's all done
me sad
thanks narc roommate I'd rather breathe mold

>>38499460
I wish i could redo my moldy bathroom. I hate cleaning it because i know the mold will just come right back. hopefully they do it properly.

all of my shit has fallen apart pretty much. i dropped out of college and went crazy and live in a squat and got addicted to amphetamines, i got into a relationship for like a year that was draining and high-maintainance and controlling although i hesitate to use the a-word.
last night i fucked a stranger, and we spent like a couple of hours talking about life, and i was just so transfixed by how able he and his friends seem to be to make plans and stick with them and Move Forward, and he asked me what my life plans were, and he gave me actual advice about what i could do if i finish college and pursue therapy or social work and how to get jobs in tech or advertising and what skills i could work on to make myself more employable if i were to like, stop being transient.
and i almost started crying, because im kind of incapable of thinking about any of this shit for very long, and i put my whole life on hold for a laundry list of stupid reasons (i am not going to blame my ex girlfriend, a mantra ive been repeating in my head near-constantly for almost a month now) and i dont think about materially improving my life at all other than like, meditating more and working on creative projects and riding my bike more, and instead of getting a job and pursuing any kind of financial stability or comfort i just dont really think about having a future thats any different from the present.
i love having a life where i have the temporal freedom to travel and do whatever i want and just get on a train and be in a different city on a whim and explore and have all these Human Experiences that Make Me Feel Alive; its exciting to live on my own terms, theres something kind of romantic about living on what i can steal, im not gonna stay anything good about drugs because as much as i "like" meth that shit Is Ruining My Life and im watching it happen but not distressingly enough to feel like i have to get clean yet but my inner edgelord definitely romanticizes it

>>38499702
they just told me it was gonna take two months
we can use an apartment downstairs while they fix it but still two months without a real bathroom sucks

>>38500369
Do you have a shower caddy? Could be interesting.

>>38500776
I'm honestly not sure what that means, I have my shower stuff hung up inside the shower and the other bathroom stuff in a shelf

>>38502239
A shower caddy is a little rack or shelf inside of the shower that holds things

>>38503672
then yes I have one though I'm not sure how that's relevant seeing as my shower has been torn down two days ago

>>38449431
some boards had it limited to 10 quotes per post, others even down to 5, that might be it

>>38499752
that was a good stranger
I feel you on the not being able to think about the future thing, I was like that when I was NEETing for years due to various... obstacles
I hope you can harm-reduce to less dangerous drugs, maybe see if that stranger wants to talk some more (and maybe fuck), and take it one step at a time

Questioning my gender as of late. I think I'm just dissatisfied with my body and have finally reached a level of security with myself that I finally want to explore my softer side.

There's just an overwhelming urge to be prettier. While I've come to accept my body for what it is, it doesn't mean I love it. Body and facial hair is incredibly taxing to shave and it's almost like I have permanent 5 o'clock shadow. It just makes me feel dirty and I wish I could get rid of it. I've never been overweight, but these days I find myself scrutinizing the distribution of fat on my body, wishing it was more akin to that of women. I have been exercising, but I'm not sure that if I did eventually change my composition I would be entirely satisfied with what I saw in the mirror.
I've been thinking of growing my hair out for a while to get longer hair, but haven't gone through with it just because I'm not sure if my curly hair would eventually hang down like I want it or continue to grow into an unbearable fro. Been playing with the idea of using makeup to conceal some of my acne scars which I can't afford to get treatment for, but also just to look nicer. I want to explore some more androgynous fashion, but I don't even know where to start or if I could even pull off the look without looking silly. I have attempted a little cross dressing in the past, but it was mostly for an ex who just wanted me to wear tacky clothes.
An acquaintance recommended HRT to me. I did some research on it and it sounded appealing, but I don't know how I feel about breasts. I'm not one to rush in on a decision like this though. I remember years ago having a though about how much easier my gay love life would be if I could just be a woman. I sometimes just feel envious of those who are naturally pretty be it women or men. I'm not really sure what to think, there are obviously many layers to this issue and a lot I couldn't say here. I'd just like some input.

File: 764bf1b4219337748a44d8169(...).jpg (645 KB, 1569x1259)

645 KB JPG

Ugh.. fell asleep even though I wanted to update /sig/ today... I'll be back tomorrow everyone. Guess traveling and such took a bit out of me, I'll sleep some more and am gonna be back in full force tomorrow.
Thank you everyone for your patience.

File: sg.png (109 KB, 680x344)

109 KB PNG

>>38495986
After a daring escapade to the nearest Menards, my want of fizzy hydration hath been quenched handily...
In other news, I believe that I may be in need of new weights, as my usual exercise routines are proving less and less satisfyingly fatiguing by the week...