This is going to be kind of a long post and I apologise, but I hope that by sharing it maybe somebody else can find themselves through my story too. And even if you cant, I hope that it at least makes for an interesting read.Gosh, where do I even start with this one- I'm 24. My earliest memories are of me laying next to my bed, praying, weeping, begging god to change me into a girl. After that... everything is kind of fuzzy. Like looking through TV static. My life has been hazy for as long as I can really remember; as a teenager I would dissociate through most of my days though I didn't know I was doing that until much later in life. As a child I daydreamed often, though I hardly ever remembered what i was daydreaming about. I remember hanging out with girls a lot and that I always felt kinda out of place with boys.In fact, things felt out of place in general. It always felt like there was this thick, smothing miasma that followed me everywhere; a haze that clouded and dulled all of my senses, turning a once vibrant world into something I could only see in shades of grey and black. It felt like a mild weight tied to my arms and chest, something which was at times manageable but eventually unbearable! It was like the world had at some point shifted 3 inches to the left and while everything looked normal... something about it felt so deeply, viscerally uncomfortable to me. It wouldn't be until i was 17 that I had a word for this feeling- it was dysphoria.It didn't take me long to become absolutely enamoured with this word and this concept. As a young lad i'd taken to retreating from my parents constant nosiness and screaming matches by hiding away in a small corner of the house, first burying myself in my books, and later into my computer. I got online at an early age, 13, though I'd been using computers since I was 7, so I was at this point pretty adept at finding and sorting out information online.
>>38599606As would often be the case with my fixations I kinda started to devote most of my time to researching what dysphoria was and how to treat it, and before long I'd joined communities, gotten a diagnosis of transsexualism, and started myself on the path to getting NHS hormones. The NHS would subject me to "family therapy", something I later found out is a type of abuse, but nevertheless I realised pretty quickly that I was being played with and figured out how to order hormones off the internet to do it myself.My dad beat me relentlessly when he found out.I kept taking the hormones in spite of this.The hormones had given me so much relief though, and I felt amazing for the first time in forever! I had so much mental clarity and energy- and as would be the case for somebody as self driven as I am, I began to seek out therapy to start dealing with the side effects of my parents seemingly never ending abuse. I wanted to deal with my bad coping mechanisms and eventually everything else, too.Therapy was nice of course but.... it was really slow. 1 hour a week on the NHS just wasn't the pace I needed to go at if I wanted to make a dent in 17 years of fuzzy, hazy violence and systemised abuse at the hands of pretty much everyone I had ever known who had some kind of power over me. The solution I found, was drugs. Ever the savvy internet kid I found ways to order cannabis online. Then magic mushrooms. Then LSD. Each one having been studied for their effects in treating PTSD.Each one... giving me flashbacks and insights into memories I didnt even know that i had. And so I kept taking them, and taking them, and taking them. I wanted to know- no, i needed to know what had happened to me. I wasn't ever going to heal if I didnt know what i was even healing from.
>>38599633What i began to put together was different to the reality I had constructed for myself. Whereas before there was this unshaken belief that I was really a female trapped inside a male body, where there was a clear end goal to my transition and a clear reason for this suffering, I instead found nothing but grief. Things just weren't as I told myself they had been. In my memories I found the story of a little boy who failed to live up to masculinity. He liked playing with the girls because they were softer, nicer, and more easygoing than the boys were. The little boy who liked making daisy chains and making art was a much better fit with the girls, so that's where he liked to be! It helped that he was also surrounded by only female people growing up- his sister, his mother, his aunts and female cousins. Really, being a girly boy came naturally to him. He even found himself liking boys, as silly as that may seem!But all of these things caused him a great deal of distress, too. Girls began to dislike him because he wasnt a girl like they were. Boys thought it was soooo gross that he thought they were pretty too. They found his effeminate behaviour to be unmasculine and unbecoming of a boy. They treated him as an easy target for bullying as his passive, meek demeanor wouldnt let him fight back. A demeanour he'd learned to have because of his absent fathers bullying.
>>38599652It went deeper than this, though, as in recovering all of my memories I began to realise that throughout the abuse I had endured one kind was especially common- my parents would lock me inside my room, often daily, usually for hours at a time, without food, water, any kind of entertainment (books, telly, games, legos, my art supplies, ponies or my mermaid dolls-); and all of this time to myself while hearing my parents screaming at each other about what a failure of a son i was meant that I started to do the only thing I could do to survive the abuse- I began to retreat inside myself, into my own little world where everything was safe and happy and where I had the things I needed the most.These daydreams started out fairly benign but over time slowly became ingrained into my psyche. I would get shouted at for being a faggot again, and I would be banished to my room. In my room I would lay there on the ground and imagine a world where it was okay for me to want to be an artsy, soft, boy loving kid again; where it was okay to like boys and mermaids and princesses and where people loved my soft, expressive personality and didn't mind my passive disposition.And I imagined a world where I was a girl.And that is where my dysphoria began. It wasn't that I was a girl trapped inside a boys body, it was that the world wasn't ready for a boy like me, and being that I was surrounded by girls and forced to dissociate all the time, I kinda put 2 and 2 together and realised that none of this would be happening to me if I was simply a girl too. Nobody complains when girls like boys or when girls like mermaids and art. Adults think it's cute when girls make daisy chains and sing around the rosies! Nobody tells girls to fight their bullies and dull their emotions because men are mean to them.My dysphoria was, in the most literal sense, the discomfort I began to feel between the waking world and the dream world that I had created for myself.
>>38599663Now that i'm an adult and I'm so far into my transition I'm starting to feel a little bit lost from all this. Naturally I've been quite lucky with my transition to be able to have the space to think about these things. I had FFS last June and BA in September, I'll be getting VFS soon if things work out for me, and SRS within the next two years. In every sense of the word my transition has been a success! Now I live in AFAB only housing, with 3 wonderful cis girls, and they all just see me as yet another girl too. I pass even on my worst days, even when im sick and hungover and look like fresh hell. My friends are all women and I dont really know what it means to be a man anymore. It's been so long since anyone's seen me as a guy that even trying to imagine myself as one is hilarious!but... I feel out of place like this. I didn't feel out of place before, like back when I saw myself as a female trapped inside a male body, who's earliest memories were of wishing god would make her female like her sister is, pleading and begging and quietly crying beside her bed at 5 years old. Instead I feel like I'm a boy wearing some womans skin. Sometimes I look in the mirror and cry. I'm still that sad little boy inside but whenever I see myself I just see a regular mid 20's woman crying back at me. It's like seeing my own sister or mother sometimes. it's freaky. It's surreal. It all feels so fake and not real! it shouldnt be like this!!!
>>38599674This is all a nightmare I want to wake up from! I didn't feel okay as a boy and I don't feel right as a woman, but I know I'll never make it as a man and nobody respects the idea of third genders/null sexes. There's always a binary that people sort you into regardless of what you personally wish to be the case, and so i have to choose, male, or female?And i guess more than anything I just feel trapped like this. My relationships suddenly feel like I'm deceiving everybody because im not a girl- I was pushed into girlhood because of who I am and how I acted! It was convenient for other people that i were a girl instead of a boy. But im not! Im not a girl! I'm a boy appropriating and wearing the skin of a girl because it helps me to blend in. It helps me avoid being re-traumatised again like I was all those years ago.It doesnt feel right to live this way. It's like theres a glass forever placed between me and other people now; I cant relate to the girls because I'm not one, and I can't relate to the guys because no matter how much I insist im really a boy I'm just not one anymore. This body is so feminised from the hormones and surgeries that even insisting on my real identity isnt enough to shake the spell I seem to place on them by simply existing in this way.I dont know. I dont know what to do anymore. I have no idea where to go or if to cancel my future appointments with surgeons- even if I did i'd still be stuck like this, but if I keep going will I just bury myself further into a lie?Is it even possible to get my old self back anymore? back from the trauma?? would I even want to????There is a scene in Inside Mari where Mari gets on her hands and knees, she's screaming and crying and pleading that she's learned her lesson and to let her go back to being Isao Kamori. I feel like Mari in this moment.Thankyou for reading all of this, I hope it was interesting to you. I'm gonna go pour myself a glass of wine and cry for a little while
>>38599606can you give a tldr please
>>38599907The author lays out a tangled tale of childhood trauma, gender dysphoria, and self-exploration, shaped by societal pressures and their own dissociative coping mechanisms. Now, having transitioned and achieved what should be the pinnacle of "success," they find themselves trapped in existential limbo, questioning whether they've been living a lie, all while pouring a glass of wine to pair with their spiraling identity crisis.
>>38599948thanks chatgpt
>>38599948honestly i should have just posted thisthis bitch be yapping fr
Just be non binary
>>38600580its not really that simple though anon? even if i were non binary there isnt any easy way to actually live like that?the UK only has male and female on ID cards for example, and even if there were third sexes/genders legally that doesnt mean most people wouldnt still try to classify me as male or female. And seeing as being male is so heavily associated with trauma for me it's just not really an option to live in the inbetween like that.As much as i would like to just be neither- to be some kind of unsexed being that doesnt have to concern themself with sex and gender, I still kind of have to, because thats just how the world works?I think some part of me really misses being a kid sometimes. Kids dont really see sex and gender until somebody tells them they should see that stuff. even though every child has a sex and they're all aware of what they are, they dont really seem to care about it. maybe I'd be more comfortable if that were the case with adults.thankyou for replying though
>>38600812It's a shame you're not agp, wearing the skin of a woman sounds hot to me
>>38601309its more unsettling than anything desu.
>>38600812No one has a "gender identity" people have a body they want (male or female) and that's it, do you prefer your now female body or would you rather be a balding bear? If the former, then what's the issue? Also being a woman just means looking like a woman, so you are a woman
I feel like being a super clocky tranny is being third sex. People don't really treat you as a man or a woman and that suites me. There's such a strong culture of passing the benefits of being clocky become invisible
Your story moved me a bit I hope everything turns out well for you
>>38602127Clocky trannies don't get treated as a third sex, they get treated as subhuman creatures at best, gross men at worst
>>38599713gender is a prison>>38602092less "no one has a gender identity" and more "identity is an illusion"sexed body brings unwanted expectations
>>38602294**i shouldnt say unwanted, just expectations
>>38602250Maybe in a liberal area it's easier
>>38602340No you just get treated as a weird flamboyant man because that's what clocky trannies are
I relate to this perhaps more than I would like to. While I am confident that I'm a woman, what you've written about your transition being some sort of escape and way out of your problems hit home. A lot of the "backstory" I've told people curious about my history of dysphoria is made up to "sound" more trans and tragic. Yes, much of it is real, but some important and vital parts aren't. I was trying to convince myself I was one thing by making up those stories, somewhat similar to the twist in Inside Mari, in a sense, but in the end, while I feel a lot happier with things having transitioned, I have to wonder how much of this happiness was built on lies? You could argue that I'm happy, so who cares, but is this a fluke or just some web of confusion my brain created to trick myself?This, ironically enough, all sprung up upon reading Welcome Back, Alice and realizing that my trans denial (which had been there for a long time) was still there, and that I was in love with a close friend of the same sex, so I tried to figure out my sexuality, and was disgusted by thinking of myself as bi or gay as a man, but as a woman it was perfectly fine. Years before that The Flowers of Evil and Inside Mari changed my life, and as I was working my shit out, ceicocat's video released and was what really pushed me to transition for good. I guess you could say that Oshimi changed me in so many ways.
>>38602092that crazy bitch won't get it, she's too in love with guilt.
>>38599606sounds like it might be time to detransition lil poona
