i hate the fact that i'm really fucking weird. things are finally going well for me for once (i'm girlmoding without issues, i'm in stable employment again, i'm not literally choosing between paying rent and eating like i was only six months ago) but because i spent most of my youth struggling and practically fighting for survival i'm just really numb about it all. i still don't like myself and i'm really untrusting of others because of how often i've been hurt in the past so i struggle with forming and retaining connections. i'm 28 and literally years behind my cis peers in terms of social development, even if i did manage to speedrun the rest of my transition i'm not catching up now, i'm always going to feel way behind. i'm also just so fundamentally paranoid and distrustful that i can't accept anything at face value. i'll always find a way to twist someone's niceness into something malevolent. i'll always find another explanation for my successes. i'll find any other way to explain the fact that my coworkers gender me female and treat me just like any other woman other than that they really think i'm one.i'm so fucking tired. i literally used to be an absolutely hideous moid and whatever the fuck i am now is objectively better, but the years of abuse and social exclusion that preceded my current arc have left a massive impact on me and i don't think i'm overcoming it. it's near impossible to get me happy or excited these days, it's like my emotions are just an inaccessible void. when i'm alone with my thoughts all i can manage to do is drown them, poison my body or cut my skin just to feel something else.
>>38603049>i'll always find a way to twist someone's niceness into something malevolent. I used to do this a lot too, and sometimes still do. It can be hard to believe that people actually like you and go out of your way to talk to you. One thing that helps me is questioning/debating those thoughts. What proof do you have that someone secretly hates you? If this person hated you why would they put in the effort to be around you or talk to you? Stuff like that. I still am quite paranoid but it has helped. I'm not sure if this advice is good for you anonette but either way I wish you the best.
>>38603076>It can be hard to believe that people actually like you and go out of your way to talk to you.totally. i think it's one of the things i have the hardest time adapting to. i'm used to having to overcompensate and try too hard in order for people to give me a chance, but now i can do nothing to make myself particularly appealing and people still like me or are drawn to me. because i had such bad experiences with others in the past it's hard for me to not be extremely suspicious.>If this person hated you why would they put in the effort to be around you or talk to you?a lot of reasons really. idk.
