I'm exactly like my father in all the worst ways. thought I was so much better because I'm always very careful not to let it slip that I'm a horrible person and I'm good enough at shoving it down and not looking at the ugly parts of myself (emotionally, not physically. physically every part is ugly.) but now there's something I can't ignore. it's a nagging weight on me every minute of every day and there's no logical way to make it go away without fucking my life up. I want to die but I'm too much of a pussy to do that. I want to live but my life is worthless and I'm just taking up space waiting for the universe to decide to off me in its own time. there's no winning. only misery and being dragged right back to the same unhappiness I've always known over and over again, even if I hide it perfectly well and make myself look kind and well put together.
I misread this as "I hate fucking myself so much"
>>38603826yeah kinda that too but more keeping up appearances
>>38603804emotional "ugliness" is probably something you can make efforts to improve on without limit, and if you're lucky, with the support of others. physically too, but i guess there's more of a ceiling. you'll probably be like your father if you give up and fail to grow, but i believe you can grow to the point at least where you will want your father to grow too. in any case, it sounds like you've been put through far too much and i'm sad if you take it out on yourself. why do you think you are a horrible person?
>>38604012i have tried. I've been making efforts to improve personality for 5 years. it's all been a mask. I'm exactly who I used to be. I'm a horrible person because of personality. also being in a relationship and having feelings for another, but that's something I should just be able to shove down and forget
update: fucking plastered
update 2: phone call and i feel better yet worse?
