real talk, how do you resist the dark voice within you that tells you whatever achievements you've had and whatever improvements you've made in your life are worthless, and urges to just give up and rot and destroy yourself with toxic substances and other forms of self-harm? it's been half a decade since i left an abusive environment and started transitioning and this is the one thing i just haven't been able to shake. at most i'll have a streak of a few months where i'm making progress, and then the helplessness sets in again and i go back to ruining myself. how do you escape it? can you actually stop being a retard? i got another chance at life a few months ago - new job, new city, new people i haven't yet fucking alienated - and i already feel myself fucking pissing it away. showing up late to work, isolating myself, spending hours on this bullshit website every day, drinking and not sleeping and skipping meds and skincare and haircare and you name it. it's like my mind is just engineered to ensure i keep myself hostage.
>>38605846take one step at a time to improve your life. go on a short walk every day, brush your hair, etc.
>>38605846therapy and meditation
>>38605962brushing my hair would be one thing but it's been literally over six months since my last haircut LOL i'm going to make an appointment with a salon in my new city that i heard good things about right now, thanks for the push.>go on a short walk every daythis does help a lot when i do it, but winters here are brutal (since coming back after christmas it's been a solid three weeks of sub-zero daily high temperatures with no end in sight) and it gets dark at 4pm before i'm even done work. i really need to make a habit of walking to work in the morning instead of getting the tram but it takes twice as long and i'm often running late.>>38605970therapy is unfortunately a bit expensive and i'm trying to save money. i'll try to take meditation more seriously though.
thought diffusion exercises
dealing with my inner voice (which basically sounded like "You're worthless you're pathetic everyone hates you kys") was a combination of noticing when it was happening and was way OTT, and finding ways to discredit or externalize it. Noticing who it sounded like (usually my parents) and what function it served, learning to laugh at how extreme it is, thinking about people who have said kind things to me. If an inner voice/inner critic is part of this for you I'd recommend the book Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay. Vipassana meditation helped as well, to learn to notice a thought or emotion without feeling it was me.Actual trauma therapy helped. EMDR, finding a therapist who treats trauma, not just someone who is ok hearing about it.Volunteering. Working for animal shelters, crisis hotlines, the library, doing a Storytime for preschoolers, and now doing work to contribute to my sangha. Helped me shed some of the feelings of worthlessness and being a failed adult. I know that I contribute to society even if I don't have a paid job. I know that people would miss my work if I were gone. Spending time in nature. Just going to a lake or a marina or a forested park. Now started camping and doing day trips with this local organization. Watching animals, looking at trees that are incredibly old. It helps me feel connected to something outside of humans and human problems. I feel the same watching stuff on deep time, or space. Also just taking care of myself. Taking medications I need to take, eating semi-normally, water, exercise, sleep, doing little things to care for my body. I feel less worthless when I have brushed teeth.
