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>>41307921
Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
(perhaps even try arrange spontaneously meeting up with an IRL contact near you!)
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: presently defunct afaik.
Discord: https://discord.gg/pUuXdBjKX2

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>bowump

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Gm sig
Havent been doing great on the self actualisation getting a grip stuff cause its hard when your head is so loud and uni takes so much time, so ive taken up boxing and rock climbing once a week on top of running and body weight stuff, that way ill have a healthy body when i have to confront this cobweb of a mind
Hopefully in the upcoming vacation ill have some time to start a fresh diary and delete my current one from tje internet, its a big box with nothing but contempt and hatred for myself, but it keeps me safe in an environment where people still say slurs to talk to lgbt people and im not out of the closet

Its getting pretty lonely, but things are moving along, gotta learn to make irl friends too
Ily, thanks for reminding me of my household chores as well, and have a good thread

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This is it, it wasn't as good as it could have been but at least its over now, especially you deserve this. or not, I don't know, I just know it ends today

>>41311199
please don't

>>41311199
please...

>>41311254
>>41311328
Deyr fé, deyja frændr, deyr sjálfr ið sama; ek veit einn, at aldri deyr: dómr of dauðan hvern.

>>41311654
please don't kill yourself.

>>41311692
I'm not >>41311199, and I didn't want to kms in the last decade or so since I transitioned. Now I'm not so sure, but I need to be dewormed. At least I'm fighting to stay alive, thank you.

The post above (>>41311654) is Old Norse for:
> Your cattle dies
> Your friends die
> You will die one day, too
> What remains is the judgment of men
> And the deeds you left behind.

If >>41311199 wants to khs, then what we can do is say goodbye to her. At this state, she won't listen to stupidity like "please don't". It will only serve to encourage her.

"Do it tomorrow", or "Make sure you won't miss, you don't want to wake under observation or maimed" are what she can listen to right now. It might save her life... it might not.

Deyr fè, deyja frændr...

>>41311732
oof its like "harm reduction" but we hand them the russian seppuku manual given to the young the old and the weak

>>41311743
It *is* harm reduction, yes, and that's what kept me alive a decade ago.
"If I fuck it up and get into a psych ward with an attempt my whole family will hate me and I'd need to get on meds. So I make extra sure I won't fuck it up, and what I do would kill me dead several times over."
I started to overthink as always. And then it was safer to simply go on estrogen. And have the honfidence to present fem.

>>41311765
> The russian seppuku manual
Oh that's good:
> For traitor pigdog
> Drink polonium tea
> Shoot yourself in the back three times
> Fall out of 15th floor window
> It will be judged as a tragic accident

> For the Glory of Tsar Putin and Mother Russia
> Enlist

i think i need to get back on an anti depressant

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>>41307921
Still need to talk to the army and withdraw my application, I'd ghost them but it's something I want to come back to so I can't, i'd do it today but welp, not got the time before their office shuts.
Another round of laser in a couple of hours and I signed up for 2 days overtime into 4 nightshifts so I apologise for the likely spiralling that is going to occur.

hai /sig/mas hope you're all have a great day!!
i'm off to take a nap. ly all <3

I was doing better for months but fucked up and now i havent eaten in days, i havent been taking my meds or hrt, i started cutting again and relapsed on my alcoholism. I dont know how to get myself out of this anymore, my lifes falling apart and its gonna get a lot worse soon

>>41312289
I'm so sorry it turned up like that in the end. Please, don't do any more self destructive steps than that. Try to have a day off. Do something for yourself. And if you feel like it, mourn. Cry, scream, rage. Try to exprrss an emotion. Yo deserve it.

>>41269857
>prep/night schools
I don't know if it's exactly what you're speaking of, but there is a community college nearby that has classes that are intended for people 18 and over preparing for the GED test. That seems plausible for me, I think; it's a little far to walk but not unreasonable. Having to learn on the fly worries me though, I'm intelligent in some ways but my homeschooling was limited (partially due to stress and eventually depression making me slack), so I'm not used to e.g. studying or writing essays, in addition to lacking knowledge on important subjects. School is a super conducive environment to self-hatred for me, no matter the stakes. All that said, my brain naturally assumes the worst in myself, so it's hard to tell how capable I am. Again, I at least think preparatory classes are a realistic option, but this is all very new to me. I'll talk it over with my parents.
>checking out local stores and such
Seems reasonable, I'll try to do something of the sort soon. It does feel sad for something so insignificant to be seen as progress, but I'm beginning to accept that self improvement won't be pretty.

Thank you for continuing to respond btw, therapy and this conversation are the only things keeping me accountable.

My bf is back in uni now and I’m extremely jealous cause he spends time around people and gets to easily go out with new friends
I know this stems from my countless abandonment issues and feelings of inferiority(thantransitioning only makes worse) and I’m just uuuuuu
Doesn’t help I have no other friends and I’m extremely lonely and I have t seen him lately and our relationship was always a loose mess that he will break instantly the moment a real girl fucks him

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hey sig

i need help with deciding if i should contact old friends or if i should move on.

for context, i went thru a very bad 5 year downward spiral due to dysphoria, porn addiction and dissociation, that ended with me hurting my best friend and the person that meant the world to me. i decided to just run away and go no contact because i felt bad abt what i had done, and that seemed the only way i could mend things. by not being in their life anymore.

so far, i've gotten better, reconnected with old hobbies, finally started hrt, been learning the piano, but i cant help but feel i'm just running away from my responsibilities. i do owe them everything, they helped me thru some of the worst times of my life, but i'm torn between keeping my distance, hoping i dont further hurt them by being in their life, or trying to communicate with them, despite everything i did, just in the off-chance that they still like me, and i'm just explosively ending everything too soon.

sorry for the long post, but this has eaten away at me for days now, and i feel myself slowly dissociating again. should i try contacting them? i know itll hurt, but i think i gotta do it

>>41314179
Yes.you never know if their mental health is also struggling.

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>>41314402
that's what i fear the most. i keep telling myself that she's surrounded by the best people i once knew, that she's strong and she's gonna make it, but at the end of the day, i have no idea what's going on. i just want what's best for her. my mind keeps painting it as a huge risk, that reaching out is just gonna hurt her again, but if there's any chance that it ends up helping her, i should just go do it.

ty for ur input, it means a lot to me - i've been trying to tough it out alone for a while now, but it's hard to stay on track

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>>41312292
>hai /sig/mas hope you're all have a great day!!
I hope you are doing well also, Anonymous.

>i'm off to take a nap. ly all <3
We love you too, have a good rest :3

>>41311002
my head is pretty loud these days as well

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Seems like I actually almost caught up, since most other posts were replied to by others.
>>41303750
Oh an art project, nice! Do keep me posted about it. Sounds like you are heading in the right direction, anon.
>>41305170
I didn't mind reading it but I would like to know how you feel now.
>>41307921
Thanks Anon for making a thread in my stead!
>>41311002
>ive taken up boxing and rock climbing once a week on top of running and body weight stuff,
It sounds like a sensible approach to take, yes!
>but it keeps me safe in an environment where people still say slurs to talk to lgbt people and im not out of the closet
I am glad it does, Anon. I assume getting out is going to take a little while longer?
>Ily, thanks for reminding me of my household chores as well, and have a good thread
Stay safe Anon, if at any point you feel stuck, or just wanna tell us about your day, we are here.
>>41311199
If you're still around, we can have a little chat if that is alright with you. I suppose I'm a little late though..

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Can't make promises that I will be around much tonight.
>>41274422
>>41288472 (lotsa links omitted)
>Totally, 75% of my major worries would disappear with enough money.
Exactly, I hope you get there sooner than you think.
>I'm convinced for certain now that the 9to5 model isn't sustainable anymore
We are seeing employers slowly but surely crushing themselves under their own cluelessness and bureaucracy. I don't believe in a rude awakening but I do think something's gonna give eventually.
>Despite being bad at it, I really do love sleep now.
I can relate.
>I need to start doing some sort of digital/analog journaling, if I have any hope of making sense of my own brain.
Unless you spend a lot of time on your phone/laptop I would generally suggest paper, you can take inspiration from various templates. CGP grey comes to mind, his stuff is more productivity oriented, and he sells his own, but taking a look is free: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSwpe8r50_o
>>41311888
Do you have the means to get them? Mind walking me through it?
>>41312292
Rest well.
>>41312326
Unfortunately, relapses happen, Anon. The goal is not to never ever have them but to try and minimize their duration and maximize the time between them. I am very proud of you for speaking up so we can try get you out of this one. Let's start simple: are you alone at home, do you have food, how about people in your life you can reach out to?

>>41315298
>are you alone at home, do you have food, how about people in your life you can reach out to?
The only person in my life is my partner who currently is not on speaking terms with me. I dont make a lot of money so bills always comes before food and groceries, rn theres no food left in the house and i wasted most of my spending money on booze

Hey /sig/.

This is my first post to 4chan in what... over 11 years? Feels somewhat nostalgic. I want to preface everything by telling everyone in this thread that I'm glad you're around; both anons hanging around to help and anons who are in need of help. Keep on going.

I'm privileged. I have a somewhat stable job that enables me to live comfortably, I live with my spouse whom I love very much. Our daily life is very much filled with happiness.

However, I have no real friends. Earlier this year I had a pretty bad rupture with people I considered my only friends, and I want nothing to do with them anymore. Before them, I threw everything away to be able to transition. And I'm getting pretty "old" (think 30+) and pretty loaded with responsibilities, I barely have time to engage with any of the hobbies I've had (mostly online gaming and card games, I suppose...).

I exercise thrice weekly, and have a good-albeit-superficial relationship with the people I share that space with. However, I heavily mask around these people, and they absolutely would be creeped out by the stuff I would usually do, so I don't want to try anything there. I also think most of them think I'm cis (somehow, I'm as subtle as a bag of bricks), which adds another layer of fear to everything.

So the core of the issue is that part of me -- the meticulously built functional part -- is fully realized, while the other is starving for attention.

It's gotten to the point where I think I have developed mild dissociative symptoms where these two are independently talking inside my head, which is kind of scary.

Any ideas on how to conciliate, anons?

>>41315298
>Do you have the means to get them? Mind walking me through it?
i saw a nurse practitioner a couple years ago for intestinal issues that were prob caused by stress. she prescribed lexapro which i only took for a week and skipped the follow-up appointment because i'm stupid. the issue is i'm uninsured, i have $3, and i'm unemployed. i have to yet again ask my dad for more money. i'm nervous about making an appointment because i'll feel stupid. they'll ask why and i'll have to say i'm depressed and anxious, right? at least last time i had the excuse of my guts hurting. i'll have to explain why i didn't take it last time and, worse, i also wanted to try getting tretinoin for my face... i think doctors really hate when you ask for specific medicines.
regardless, i'm tired of rotting away. i want to work again. i used to make $20/hour and now i'm afraid of applying to mcdonalds. i want to be somebody and make friends. i don't have anyone or anything. i hate this shit.
i was on zoloft for a while about 12 years ago for about a year. i quit it because i'm stupid and short-sighted. an old friend i don't talk to anymore remarked, i guess in exasperation, a year or so later that he really wished i was still on it. at the time i didn't feel like it did much for me, i thought he was wrong, and what he said hurt. but how can i argue with that? he wasn't TRYING to hurt me. i must have been doing better than i thought. did i think he was just trying to pull some kind of retarded prank? what is wrong with me

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Hi /sig/, Panty here. Got a few updates to share.

I didn’t get my last wisdom teeth removed yet. My blood pressure was too high on the day of the appointment so they had to turn me loose. I was nervous, but I also accidentally did a couple of other things that can spike your blood pressure, like not getting enough sleep (I scheduled the appointment early) and eating salty food the night before. I’ll have to schedule another appointment later to get my wisdom teeth removed.

On the cooking front, I made another batch of this “fall harvest” salad with roasted squash, kale, roasted pumpkin seeds, golden raisins and quinoa. I made it last year too. It’s ridiculously healthy but I swear it tastes good too. I also made another loaf of raspberry bread and ten breakfast burritos.

I called someone my therapist recommended I talk to for help me looking for a job and planning my future. That person called me back today and referred me to a different group. It sounds like musical chairs but it’s part of the process. And it just feels gratifying to be following through on this stuff, I’ve struggled with that in the past.

I’m trying a new budget thing. My mom likes to pay for takeout with a credit card that gives a really good reward percentage on food. She’ll ask me to pay her back for last month’s takeout at the beginning of the next month. So that I won’t owe her as much money next month, I took out a bunch of cash to pay her back right after. Basically the money is physically in my hands before I spend it, and paying back what I’m borrowing right away.

I’m getting ready to start sketching layouts of some comics I scripted last year. I’m going to do it on paper.

So that’s me, still grinding away at the big stuff. Keep at it my fellow /sig/mas.

>>41316544
update i got an appointment for monday

I’m tired of being

>>41317722
me too

Bump

page 9 bump
i wish i had a good excuse to learn chinese

>>41320883
being able to decipher esoteric chinese memes is a good one desu

>>41319075
same here, I'm afraid

bump

I hate myself. I'm going to sleep. Love you guys.

Gn bumb

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this week I lost 3-4 days to med side effects.
I don't remember what happened other than being asleep and sleep talking. I didn't reply to my e-mails or pick up my phone until friday...
even if I couldn't help it I feel guilty, and now I'll have to play catch up with all the work and hospital related tasks I meant to do.
I don't remember. it's all just... blank.
today I meal prepped a lot of food for if/when it happens again.

>>41307683
I'm glad to hear it even if flu season is upon us. nothing to do about it other than being gentle on yourself and drinking something nice and warm I suppose
>Have you ever tried taking it out on something in a way that might be exhausting/satisfying?
Yes, but what usually winds up happening is... that I take things too far.
when I was a teen working out was a substitute for scratching myself, ripping out my nails, or getting into physical fights or dangerous situations.
then I messed that up... tried introducing other substitutes. then messed those up.
I'm not sure if I'll ever find anything healthier than excessive workouts.
it sucks.
>A body is just an animal, sadly, it doesn't know any better.
yeah... It bothers me, knowing that. I'll try not to let it get to me.

Despite everything, i still miss you

>>41326445
gm bump

>>41307921
I know that mountain.

>>41330074
Is it a pretty mountain?

oh penis I barely got any relaxation this weekend

>>41331604
Me too, I gotta get more sleep and soon.

I love you all, goodnight.

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I am quite exhausted this weekend sadly, so only two or three posts. I will get back at you soon.
>>41312289
I know you can't talk about the army stuff much but just to make sure I get it, what is the current TL;DR of your situation?
>>41313237
>Thank you for continuing to respond btw
Hey, the only reason I would just stop a conversation is because I miss a post, pardon long wait times though, I .. need a lot of breaks recently.
>there is a community college nearby that has classes that are intended for people 18 and over preparing for the GED test.
Yes, anything like that, perfect!
>Having to learn on the fly worries me though
>I'm not used to e.g. studying or writing essays
That is fine Anon, this is one of the cases where failure is just as big a step forward as success. We don't know your limits and the rate you pick up these things if put in a productive environment. Besides, finding study buddies is a realistic option then, in which case you would not study alone. Tell me what your parents think but I STRONGLY encourage it not just for learning but also experimentation.
>It does feel sad for something so insignificant to be seen as progress, but I'm beginning to accept that self improvement won't be pretty.
It is like a spiral. You are starting from the center. The tight winding means small steps, but they are also the most crucial bit. Once you are further out bigger steps are much easier, too. By the time you can do things you would consider impressive you are already fine.
>>41332275
Sleep well, Anon!

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>>41313830
>Doesn’t help I have no other friends and I’m extremely lonely and I have t seen him lately
This is the most urgent part, as taking care of that will obliterate jealousy. Dumb question perhaps but.. have you tried making friends through him?
>>41314179
>>41314657
>i need help with deciding if i should contact old friends or if i should move on.
I will give you the ultra condensed version of yes. The vast majority of things can actually be mended, and the vast majority of people will be happy to have you back no matter how long you are gone because we prefer rekindling friendships if we can. You can open that door for her, and if she doesn't want to it is her job to slam it shut. It's a win-win, either you get reconciliation or closure.
>>41316119
>my partner who currently is not on speaking terms with me
Maybe I am presumptuous but a partner is still a partner no matter how angry. I am sure they want to know when things get this bad. I urge you to cry out for help.. could you try it for my sake? Even if it is tough?

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>>41316441
Heya Anon, pardon the late reply. I tend to post three times a week replying to most people that haven't been yet. Slow general but alive!
Loneliness is a silent killer, and with a life as busy as yours there are a couple options worth considering, however, all of them will require some time investment. You could try local stores and such related to your interests. Card game stores usually hold small tournaments in most places I have been, or know where to ask, just as an example. Depends on how urban your general area is. Local lgbt things, volunteer work, your partner's friend circle, old classmates (if there are people you could imagine reaching out to)..

>>41316544
>>41316856
Let me preempt this by saying that I am very proud of you for having made an appointment, I understand how scary/difficult it is. The insurance thing is of course a major issue, sadly these things are too country dependent for me to be of much help, but I am glad your father supports you at least. Tell me how monday went, okay? We're here for you.
>did i think he was just trying to pull some kind of retarded prank? what is wrong with me
The most common vicious cycle related to meds I have seen is
>med stabilizes
>"oh I am much better I guess I don't need this stuff anymore"
>things slowly and subtly deteriorate
>eventually realize how bad its gotten and get back on med
This is not a you thing. This is human nature. It's a subtle thing and without someone with the experience and knowledge to articulate this risk, how could you know? We all live for the first time, Anon.

>>41307680
>And yes, the "low level math" that is taught in schools is not particularly interesting. The good news is, you won't be needing any of it should you pursue a pure or applied math Ba/Ma for example.
I still don't think I would do well in university classes, I know they start from the very basics but the pace is really fast and I'm not sure I could keep up when getting to things I have never seen before when most people have done them in high school.
>Then perhaps I misunderstood what you need specifically, I thought you needed background noise for it, other people around?
No, the background noise is to not get too deep inside my head or my thoughts start spiraling.
>Or is the actual issue getting started?
It's definitely the biggest one.
>Ah, in that case a good cope is seeking out ways to make you feel prepared. Having a clear mental image of "the next step" and how to pull it off can calm you. Anxiety will be the worst when things are diffuse and out of reach. If you give your mind something you can use as an anchor along the lines of "don't care, I am doing this now", you will find that things become less scary. You don't need to have your next 10 years of your life planned out. Nobody does. Just having things to string you along is enough.
Then the issue here is figuring out what I want to do / am supposed to do, it's something I really struggle with.

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>>41327172
update:
looked up my meds online because of some somewhat alrming new side effects. the doctor conveniently left out that it is known to interact with ritalin despite me asking him twice. he didnt mention that a substantial amount of patients (about 1-in-3) get too dizzy and sleepy to fundtion either, or that it might giv me withdrawl symptoms if I stop. he also failed to mention a bunch of othe things
... i hate him. i missed uot on my legal advice appointmen , had to postpone it, and it made me perfomr poorly at the few thing that have keeping me afloat mentally financially physically. i dont want to be his patient i want one of the othe docotrs maybe. so now i gotta phone in and ask them about that i ugees. fucks sake

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>>41332431
>It's a win-win, either you get reconciliation or closure.
yeah, it's def something i should be doing, but a part of me sort of likes the comfort of not knowing what will be her response? closure, in any way, is scary to me in a way i cannot put into words.

however, i do know that running away from complicated situations like these is what led me to dissociating and wasting away, and that ultimately i will need to have these hard conversations. it's very scary, unlearning old habits, but comfort will just leave me rotting in complacency.

its been a couple days since i last posted abt it, still scared to dip my toes in the water, but talking about it has helped immensely, so thank you sig

gn /sig/

>>41332421
Not her, but I've been following the Navy saga for a while.
> Be Navy
> MtF girl in terf island (UK), grew up with a fascination for all things military
> Gravitates towards enlisting
> As an MtF questioning/egg/repressor at the time, maybe on and off hormones. (She has breasts, and that doesn't come without a period of time on mones.)
> She tried for the Royal Marines, training 2 years to achieve her dream. She fell short on the entrance exams by a couple of pull-ups.
> Nevertheless, her ASVAB (or whatever you have there) is higher than the firmament.
> So her recruiter recommends her a {CLASSIFIED} MOS. (Intel + low risk of overseas deployment + high ASVAB = 35F in my books.)
> She's gunning for infantry still, but accepts it.
> Meanwhile, she's working in somewhere very, very cold (she complains about being physically cold) with a mechatronics degree.
> She hates her job, and would rather do any MOS in the Forces, but it pays her bills and grows her FFS nest egg.
> However anyone 35 needs a pretty thorough background check to the tune of TS or TS/SCI
> And Navy's dysphoria striked, so she started HRT while in contact with her recruiter.
> Even her chosen ester - EUn - is Forces optimized, because she only needed to disappear for 5 minutes each month-1.5 months to keep her E levels where it needs be.
> Add the two together, she was pretty worried, even though in the UK trans people can openly serve(-ish). (According to their regs, that is. But regs as we know are more of a guideline.)
> She wasn't able to handle it, so she came out. To her parents and her recruiter. For what she has told us, they were pretty chill about it.
> Now, she decided to postpone her enlistment.
> And do her form of sh: Too much exercise, too little food, extreme work schedule

morny /sig/ lets do our best today!!

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>>41307921
I have to finally make peace with the fact that I will always be a burden to my family, so long as I have to depend on them to survive.

My independence and the financial security of my family is all I can aim for in life now.

My birth was a horrible mistake for the family, but that's okay.
We we're never really a family, not in the way I think most people think of a family.

We're just a bundle of traumatised people the world wants to forget.

All I have now is the future, a lonely future but it is still a future.

Once me and the family are secure, I can finally live alone where I can't hurt anyone and nobody can hurt me.
Acceptance feels so freeing, feels nourishing.

I apologize if this post is a little too self pitying, I'm aware I'm the cause of many of my failures.

>>41338838
I wish the best for you as well, Anonymous, thank you.

This post was mine by the way:
>>41340059
Sorry for any confusion, I'll try to be more attentive in the future.

I hope all is well with you all, best of luck with everything.

>>41340059
Ok, girl. Try to take a few breaths. Slowly, deeply.
In for four counts, hold for two, out for six counts.
Can you do that for me please? Can you try?

You didn't hurt anyone here.
You're helping people.
You're helping your buns.
Your life, your birth is not a mistake.

And I know exactly that in this moment you want to argue with me, and you won't believe a fucking word I just said.
That's okay.

Do you feel anything in your body when you say "your birth was a horrible mistake" or "the fact that I will always be a burden to my family"?

Do you want to talk about it?
It's okay if you don't.

coping is a funny thing
I chuckled like 3-4 minutes over "penisillin" today

hai /sig/mas ly all as always! hope you're all taking care of yourself <3
i've been cutting weight at a fairly normal rate around 2-3 pounds a week. if i keep at it i'd probably plateau around in a month getting me way closer to my target weight. fixing my sleep cycle and diet has been interesting. i feel like it has had an affect over everything in my life, i feel more relaxed and happy than usual.

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>>41332421
TL:DR still applied stuck between withdrawing on my own choice or waiting for their med decision.

I basically want 12 months to get further along transitioning but if they turn around and somehow tell me they're good for me to continue I'll feel obligated to honour that which will delay transition stuff (which obvs i want to get on with). What I really don't want is to end up locked out if it forever, like I still want this as a career so 12 months delaying it isnt *that* big a deal to me.
>>41337718
Basically this yea +/- a few details.
I don't talk about my current job much but I'm the most overqualified (ie underpaid) "automation technician" on the planet. I'm really good at the job but it's food (meat) industry so it's refrigerated environment 12 hours a day. Also lots of general blood and gore.
Anyway, quit that as is so only got 3 shifts left. My plan is see if I can find a better engineering job to tide me over while I sort transition currently.
Bleh gotta get back off break rn anyway

i need to learn how to take better care of my wavy hair ;_;

>>41343941
if you find out the secret please let me know

>>41311199
At least you can aim well with your attention whoring.

Bump because I'm not letting the thread die to a dogshit Hasan ragebait spammer

>>41345822
Bump becouse I'm not sure what to post next.

another one for today ly all /sig/mas. and ty for letting me be a silly retard around here! sending virtual hugs to all ⊂((・▽・))⊃

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I did something bad, something that hurt someone I cared for dearly, I had to pretend to be something I wasn't, I don't know if this hurt them, I would like to think that they didn't get hurt because of my actions, but that would be coping. But after someone did to me something almost as vile, almost as horrific, I was panicking for the first few days over it but now I realized that maybe that was my price to pay for what I did, sword met with an equally horrifying sword, it doesn't make it okay it doesn't make any of it okay, but I at least now cope with what I did a bit better, even if it doesn't make any of it okay, I can at least understand punishment for my actions, and to them who I wronged I wish I could say I'm sorry.

>>41346827
was it really so bad, what you did? sometimes people here beat themselves up too much for genuine mistakes that can be moved past

This week sure is starting off weird.

>>41347257
I'm a nosy freak you have to say more

did any of you anons in this thread manage to get better while being a neverpasser? im in the lowest point ever because of dysphoria

>>41347359
More than once I've been reminded of how rough my family situation is and how I can easily be abandoned socially and financially.

It just never stops.

All the more reason for me to get my ass and gear and make some real money.

Can't post anymore today since I'm so tired.

Goodnight for now everyone, I hope you all have or had a pleasant day overall.

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>>41332579
thank you for being proud of me
here i go again

I hope everyone is doing there best today

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>>41316785
Heya Panty! Sorry to hear about the appointment thing, that kinda stuff is always a pain in the neck. I'm definitely gonna make some more pumpkin stuff again soon, been meaning to cook the past few days but didn't have the energy. It sounds like things are moving forward generally on your end, I'm happy.
>Basically the money is physically in my hands before I spend it, and paying back what I’m borrowing right away.
Ah, very envelope budgeting adjacent!
>>41324794
Hope you had a good night's rest, Anon!
>>41327172
>nothing to do about it other than being gentle on yourself and drinking something nice and warm I suppose
agreed, I try to be patient with myself.
>I'm not sure if I'll ever find anything healthier than excessive workouts.
>it sucks.
It does, it's tricky. I suppose some people get into BDSM for that because then someone else administers the dosage, so to say.
>yeah... It bothers me, knowing that. I'll try not to let it get to me.
I hope I don't speak out of line when I say that I believe you are doing admirably all things considered.
>>41334945
>... i hate him.
Yeah no wonder, what a fucking trash heap. This really is un-fucking-believale. I hate it especially because in spite of everything one has to rely doctors doing their jobs.
>>41328010
What was it like with them?

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>>41334041
Hm, I understand your concerns about getting overwhelmed. One question is whether you can attend university classes for free where you live, to get a feel for things.
>No, the background noise is to not get too deep inside my head or my thoughts start spiraling.
Oh, maybe music or something unobtrusive? Essentially white noise?
>It's definitely the biggest one.
Okay, I have a few tips for that for reading in particular. Do check https://youtu.be/0BwRauAB6Zc (from the resources), and consider keeping a book next to your bed, sofa, or wherever you spend a fair amount of free time.
>Then the issue here is figuring out what I want to do
Alright. One thing that might be useful as a list of your goals. If you are aware of Maslow's hierarchy of needs you can try brainstorm with it and put some goals into the various tiers, then we can try make sense of it.
>>41335384
>closure, in any way, is scary to me in a way i cannot put into words.
I am well aware of that fear, the human mind hates change and unknowns. Especially in social settings like this. Nothing worse than standing still can come of it. It just.. doesn't feel that way. It only gets easier the more you deal with these things. You put it quite beautifully yourself. I'm happy to be there, I would love to hear from you soon, even if you didn't end up doing it. This way you aren't scared of updating us, I hope!
>>41317722
>>41319075
>>41321956
I hope all of you get plenty of rest, anons. I don't know what you are going through, I will gladly listen, but even if it feels pointless it is important we maintain our bodies to rid us of some of this tiredness.

goodnight!

I think I was suicidal because I wasn’t getting enough sleep. I’m such a dumb ass. I’ve been “sleeping in” and I feel great today.

>>41352252
yea it's amazing what sleeping well, eating well, being clean (like shower/bath) or general self care can do, like meeting ur basic needs
it's always funny to me retrospectively when i'm angsty/grumpy, eat something or nap, then miraculously feel normal again

I can feel the night shift mental illness creeping in.
I'm kinda terrified about not having a job soon but don't feel good enough to even apply for the jobs I want and it's all just biding time while I wait until I can actually live the life I want.
I don't talk about it a lot but I don't really have any close irl friends. The people who I spend most time with are generally coworkers. Ig I'm feeling really lonely and isolated currently.

Bump. I am grotesque but i persist anyway

tonight this is my journal
>I have been journalling, this is good
>I haven't been working very hard on my craft but I also did just achieve the biggest stuff I've achieved yet there. I'm a little burned out if I'm honest. I did do some work there the other day. I didn't manage today cause I got stressed out and spiralled about my housing situation, but then I put in several hours of work towards attempting to rectify that (though I did crash out and end up in unhelpful but honestly comfortable patterns of victimhood and vindictiveness that consumed my night)
I will return to my work soon
>I didn't really do my DBT homework this week. I didn't understand the worksheet and I was overwhelmed by so many chores that it took the back seat. Also school trauma/my issues with authority took over when the worksheet only had so big a space to fill. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.
>Sleep weird but I've been hanging with my wonderful, nocturnal girlfriend who's going through a bit of a depressive spiral. I'm not worried about the weird sleep
>Exercise has been good, made a breakthrough to a new calisthenics hold and put on some weight
>I had several admin tasks that would usually completely wreck me, but they only ended up consuming 1 evening. I did vent to 2 people. So not a win on dependence but at least the venting was somewhat self aware.
>Ideation has cropped up several times but I immediately spot it and remind myself it's just a coping strategy and move on.
>I have done a little bit of mindfulness, but honestly a lot of time in my phone seeking escape and seeking reassurance still.
>Been awesome on attachment stuff. It's still there in small ways. But been regulating it well and have been making my gf feel a lot safer and less crowded by me. It's made the relationship feel a lot nicer
>Still have mental block around properly going in on the self employment grind. I need to lower the QC standard I have for myself cause even though I hit it sometimes, it's a block

>>41355384
Cont
Gonna use dashes instead of green text arrows now
-I think I need to figure out a better morning routine with my diabetes. It's taking up so much time each day the way I'm doing it currently
-I have been eating better, I feel both too snowed under and lazy and money scared and dependency fucked to try and add new recipes but you have actually been eating more than just your 1 safe food and you've been taking your vitamins
-I really want electrolysis for the rest of my beard, I think it'll only be a couple of sessions now. I'm just tired of shaving the little shadow I have left every morning
-dysphoria still there but it doesn't make me spiral too hard any more. There's a nagging undercurrent of not being known but I don't know if that's the lonliness wound or what.
-Getting actually tired. Might listen to my body and get ready to rest.
I think I'm gonna be ok. Honestly writing it all out I've come really far. I'm steps away from really having it together. I'm excited to see what things look like in a year. I just gotta keep trying.

>>41307921
What’s the fucking point? Why? Why extend effort? If I’m not going to be able to find friends/community/a partner than why the fuck should I “self improve”??? Genuine, actual real question.

>>41355518
Self fulfilling prophecy. There's comfort in defeatism like that cause it means you can avoid rejection all together and the discomfort of doing the work. I succumb to that mindset too. Been getting less and less. Does help when you recognise stuff like that as your mind trying to protect you from further pain. Hope you can find it in yourself to keep on trying again anon!

>>41355518
I was doing it for myself, but I really lucked out and ended up finding a partner.

>>41354879
I love that. I believe in you, Anon.

>>41355518
Because bare minimum of success is trying and grasping that Failure is a massive part of it.
Take the hit, take the brake, then try again.

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Ive never posted on 4chan in my life. Here because I feel a constant, debilitating loneliness and Im kind of losing my mind. I keep telling myself Im trying and getting better but I might be lying to myself. I dont know how to get out of the grave I dug myself into

>>41357086
>I dont know how to get out of the grave I dug myself into
That was me a few years ago. I’m definitely still struggling but i’m in a much better place now. You a Hikikomori?

>>41357344
No but all it takes is a few more bad days and I might just become one. I dont really oppose the idea either. At least in terms of suffering in silence

>>41355518
Because I've been fucked over by everyone and distanced myself from everyone else. Now it's just me and my Other Half. At least she won't leave me, not that I didn't try.
I'm alone. So I have no excuses anymore on why I'm a lazy fat slop and a dusgusting neverpasser hon.
Might as well do it right for once in my life.

>>41353833
Look, Navy. You made a decision. You decided to postpone your enlistment. You didn't say as far as I knowyour story that your candidacy has been denied *by the military*. You cannot reapply now (would seem indecisive.)

That means, you should:
> Try to organize your life a bit. Aim for a shift if 10 hours or less, or a work schedule that allows you time off on a regular, predictable basis
> A regular schedule is part of any army I know of. As a "17C" (Civilian service), my work schedule was 0600-1600 Mon-Thu, 0600-1200 Friday. To the dot. It was not possible to arrive early or late, have overtime, or bring home work. That gave me a predictable schedule I needed to adapt to. Try to get a non-flexible time civvie job - office jobs usually have 0900-1800 schedules.
> Physical fitness is a big part of the army. If you still have a clean facebook, can you hook up with someone to hike, exercise, airsoft, bike, etc. together?
> Not having irl friends in your situation is well... positive? You're boymoding, and on E so that means that either you need to explain or start girlmoding first and then make friends when you won't need to explain anymore.
> Well-adjusted cishets also have a hard time finding friends. You're not alone, society is FUBAR.
> Within 2 years, you will drop off the face of the earth for approx 2-3 months. That's called Phase 1 for you.
> After it, you'd need to heavily compartmentalize and be alone with shit a lot.

>>41353833
> If your MOS would be anywhere near deployable, you're liable to be gone with the wind for months to years. I've seen it from the other side with my uncles. Even though their MOS is such that in oeacetime they won't be exposed to lethal danger when deployed, deployment tends to have an effect on friends and family not designated contacts.
> In this market, it takes 2-4 months (YMMV, I don't know the UK kob market) to find a job, 3 months probation, then...
> Register to LinkedIn and other job sites and start searching for a new job ASAP. Fabricate a story of why have you quit. "I'm trying for enlistment but due to trooning out, I needed to postpone it for a year" will make you unhireable.
> You'll be back in the recruitment station near the time your probation ends.
So actually what you're doing - having superficial relationships with your colleagues actually sounds like a oretty healthy cope until you finish Phase 1 and start to form relationships with your unit.
If it helps, just larp that you're deployed. If not, then try not to suspend your life, but in this case, give yourself 2 years min of civvie street before going to visit a recruiter again.
In the meantime:
> Keep fitness up.
> Do something for yourself.
> Try to moce out from your parents' if you haven't already.
> Reflect.
> Create objective criteria on your enlistment. (I can go to the recruiter, when...)
> Create objective criteria of girlmoding in public. Yes, it's that fucking scary. But you'll need to drag your ass through the door the first couple of times, then it'll be fine.
> Finding a mission in civvie life is the hardest. Try to find a charity where you can volunteer, to have rhe fuzzy fake feeling that you matter?

>>41357344
nta but i am, were you? how did you get out of it

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>>41307851
>remember, I am there to listen
I will, I will try not to let it get to me. I'm not the "I told you so" type of person, but at a certain point when do people listen? I'm going to keep quiet and keep to myself. It's my default, but I guess I "mask" (for lack of a better word) so much that I stopped. I'm going to be more true to myself, I rather not crash out. you know how it is.

>>41357086
>Ive never posted on 4chan in my life
I was the same way I think 2 years ago, I first posted here. It's not easy, but posting here is a good first step. Now you have to keep pace, I believe you do it. There is people that never post or speak up, keep on trying to action on what you want. As cheesy and annoying the saying is "god help those who help themselves".

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Tim here. Things are as they have always been. Nothing ever happens. I've been pretty depressed again in the last couple of days. I don't really know why. It all seems pointless and everything is a struggle. I drank two bottles of wine on Monday evening and I still haven't recovered from that fully. I dunno where I'm going with this. I guess I just wanted to check in and mope a little.

turns out all of my issues were just that I was mentally ill and I just needed to take an antidepressant.

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>>41352252
yeah its crazy how bad sleep can easily snowball into some bad stuff. used to beat myself up for not being able to sleep before 1am, losing basically my entire morning, but now sleeping at 22 and waking up at 5h30, i basically feel like my days are longer and more productive than usual.

>>41351400
>I would love to hear from you soon, even if you didn't end up doing it.
i ended up not doing it yet. i have some major problems with moving the goalpost as to postpone major changes (lost like 3 years to depression cuz i "couldnt" start hrt, so i was gated out of going to the gym and eating well and stuff, yeah i had a pretty messed up system), so i cant just contact her without feeling like i havent done enough, or that it's too soon and i should wait another month.

and to be fair, i do feel like i could be doing a lot more. im still not driving as much as i wanted to, not leaving the house as much as i used to, only leaving to go to the gym, and i still gotta change basically my entire presentation. it just feels like i'm backing myself into a corner again, but i still gotta work on myself before ever attempting to contact them again - showing up empty handed would be the death of me.

sorry if i tend to ramble a lot! usually i keep these long streams of thought to myself, but i thought it'd be nice to share these feelings to somewhere public for once; suffering in silence has been a long friend of mine, but i do think now's the time for oversharing, rather than not sharing at all, even if its to people ive never met, and probably never will. it is liberating in a way, breaking free from this curse of mine.

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>>41361146
Thank you for your kind words! I really appreciate that

Today I woke up on the stupid side of the bed today. Slept til evening bc I went to sleep at around 7am. I need to stop smoking weed at night. Realistically I should whip myself back into shape and commit to a t break. Sigh.
At least I have some food in the house, I have to constantly remind myself to take care of my basic needs but even in the tiniest way possible it gets easier i guess.

gn /sig/

i wish i was dead

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I need to physically and mentally stop myself from begging for company, or at least thats what it feels like. I hate being alone, it feels like mental solitary confinement. But unfortuntately for me all my irl friends have actual lives and real jobs and proper sleep schedules. I dont have many internet friends anymore, the one I do have is going thru it themselves and so I barely get to talk to them.
Making new friends feels impossible and the only thing making it this hard is myself. Im kinda just rambling now but yea u guessed it its because Im alone rn. I hate it so badly. Only way I know how to cope is by getting high and Im probably gonna do that really soon

>>41365003
good morning, /sig/

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>>41307921
I hope you are all having a decent day, I'm sorry for not properly responding in a very long while.

Things have been a little more rough than usual for me.

But, I am doing my best to not let me emotions get me down.
I wish you all the best, will post more when I can.

A big thank you to Siganon, for the continued efforts.

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Hey /sig/, took a break from posting for a bit.

We moved into our new place! It took them a bit longer to get our apartment set up, but its pretty good. Me and my husband both get our own bathroom and he let me have the biggest room, its nice. Our living room is smaller but has a better spacial layout, if that makes sense?
Kitchen is smaller but we can make it work, and it comes pre-installed with some a pretty alright washer and dryer.
The bathrooms are MASSIVE and have a bunch of handicap rails on the walls, which is helpful sometimes

We're still unpacking everything, which is slowed down a bit by the fact that last night I ended up injuring my fingers pretty badly. The tl;dr is that I needed to sear some meat for a recipe that had quite a bit of oil and stupidly thought "oh i don't need tongs rn that's extra cleaning effort" and dropped a piece of meat in from too high, splashing the oil onto my fingers. Hurt quite a bit, but husband ran to the store to get some burn supplies, I now have a blister at the base of both my index and middle finger which makes it hard to move boxes and rifle through them to get stuff out.

We also got a fun surprise bill from our last place for cleaning and restoration, along with partial rent since we weren't moved out at the beginning of last month. We weren't living there and just needed an extra week to clean on our own terms, feel like an idiot for assuming the manager was just being nice, but my In-Laws heard and sent us some money to help out, so we just got it paid even though our friend was like "Oh don't pay go to this free/low cost tenant right place!!" when I just want this over.

My mom is still looking for a few more places, fingers crossed for her.

Improvement goals right now are to get our stuff mostly moved in and unpacked before our Halloween party on the first of November, get back into the habit of walking more, and cleaning more in our new place.
All in all, things are looking up.

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>>41316785
>Teeth removal
Hope you don't mind, its time for me to shill a post-tooth removal hack my friend taught me that I tell people because it genuinely makes a night and day difference.

Before you get your teeth removed, make some tea with black plain tea bags in a clean pot/cup/whatever.
Do whatever you want with the tea itself, but hang up the tea bags or place them on a plate after dabbing them a bit with a paper towel and store them in a cool, dry place where they won't get fucked with, like a fridge or something, and when you get home and need to swap out your mouth gauze, put the tea bags (with the strings removed obviously) there instead.

Basically used black tea bags have a bunch of benefits to helping with oral surgery, including
>Better clotting factor thanks to the tanins in the tea
>Thicker clots with less risk of falling out early, preventing dry sockets
>Lower risk of infection
>Slows bleeding down
>Personally, prefer the taste of the tea bags to gauze
>Also personal anecdote, not as scratchy as gauze

Its totally cool if you don't but I do like to pass on this life hack as someone who has had a ton of tooth pullings and noticed a night and day difference between gauze and tea bags, even if I haven't had wisdom tooth removal.

Good luck Regardless Panty! Nice cooking pics!

>>41365732
it was too early.. but morny nona ^^

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Not many posts today but I am sure I can at least mop up the posts from Tuesday.
>>41343941
I think >>>/fa/ has some guides for you to pilfer, but you could also ask a hairdresser you trust, for example.
>>41340059
Heya, bunon. Honestly, from what I can tell, it is not that you are a burden in the sense that you think you are. Sure you lean on them, but at the same time you should not treat the impact you have in such a unidirectional way. Look at how much you're giving in terms of support yourself. It's not you resting on a pillar, it is a network of distributed loads. For now, whatever the conclusions that keep you going may be, know that I wish you nothing but the best, and remember to be lenient with yourself, it aids productivity.
>>41341902
Doing my best, yeah. Finally cooked today, with some leftover ingredients for tomorrow.
It sounds like you're doing wonderfully overall, it's lovely to see you go at a sustainable pace.
>>41337718
Thank you Anon for the recap, I really appreciate it!
>>41342052
Ah, so conditionally putting the application on ice for 12 months (no refrigeration needed, kek), that was what I was missing. It makes sense though, better to delay that that have it interfere with your transition.

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>>41346139
You're cute, Anon. Hope you are doing ok.
>>41346827
>I realized that maybe that was my price to pay for what I did
As much as it can be comforting in the moment to try and make sense of suffering like this, telling you you deserve what happened is often not good for you overall. Is it okay to ask what you did that you think hurt your friend? Did they ever learn what you did? Did you ever hear their thoughts on it? As te other anon said, sometimes we judge ourselves very differently.
>>41347413
I can't speak for people on that matter, not really. But I have seen people that get clocked regularly and still live happy lives, much, much happier than pretrans.
>>41350002
You did great, Anon. I can't pat your head but I want you to know it made me smile to see you take care of yourself. You did well. If you ever feel paralyzed, or stuck, remember you can talk with us. If you wanna share successes, we are here to celebrate with you. Ups and downs, you never have to feel like you don't have something worth saying. All the best.
>>41351365
This week was stressful but I managed well so far, I hope you are doing well too.

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>>41352252
I noticed that I need to spread my meals more evenly through the day. I become nervous when hungry even if my stomach hasn't caught up yet. Calories and sleep are mood stabilizers in a way.
>>41355384
Overall it sounds like you are doing your best to keep your efforts sustainable, I'm glad.
>I'm not worried about the weird sleep
Hm, is there a chance you could motivate you to sleep around the time you would normally? Or is there a particular reason for her sleep sched?
>I think I'm gonna be ok. Honestly writing it all out I've come really far. I'm steps away from really having it together. I'm excited to see what things look like in a year. I just gotta keep trying.
By all accounts, it sounds like things are going well, I'm happy for you!
>>41355518
It's a super individual question, but one thing that resonates with me is the self fulfillment angle the other anon brought up. Things actually start mattering more to us if they feel attainable. The opposite of sour grapes if you will. But maybe you actually do want things to be better already, but are trying to articulate how to ever muster up the mental energy for it. In that case I would need to know what it is you wanna improve. What it is that makes you suffer.
>>41357086
Heya ciel! One thing that often helps is to first gain an overview over the things you want to work on. It can be overwhelming, but the point is to mix things that take time with low hanging fruit to get a feeling of progression going. The beginning will be slow, but I do have faith in everyone posting here making it. I might take a few days to respond in a back and forth, so take all the time to respond. I even respond to posts from archived threads and can point you to archived responses should you miss one.

More tomorrow.

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So, my therapist told me in my session yesterday that she’s is leaving my healthcare provider in a few weeks. She might keep me on as a patient at her new practice but we’re also talking about her referring me to someone else. Fortunately, we both agree that I’m in a good enough place that switching therapists isn’t going to be too much of a curveball for me. I’m not depending on my therapist to help me emotionally regulate like I have in the past.

Earlier this week, I helped my mom reupholster the bottom fabric on my bed’s boxspring. It was torn and hanging in a few places and replacement netting was just $10. It seems trivial but it’s something that I’m glad I did.

Also, I’ve been watching Earth Maiden Arjuna, which I’ve been immensely enjoying.

>>41351374
>It sounds like things are moving forward generally on your end, I'm happy.
Yeah, I’m feeling good. Thank you and everyone else here for everything you did to help me get here.

>Ah, very envelope budgeting adjacent!
Yeah, it’s something I need to do more of. Some of my resistance is the practical limitations of going cash-only at this time and place, and some of it is not wanting to go all in on a new “system” right away. But even if I need to experiment, see it work for myself and trust the results first, I can still get there.

>>41366795
Ooh, thanks for the suggestion! I’mma try to actually do that. I’m not in the tea drinking habit so I’d just be buying tea bags to put in my mouth but I was definitely dreading the recovery from the tooth pulling and this sounds like it will help.

Thanks Tanjiro! Keep on slaying.

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tired. tired tired tired. not as drunk as yesterday but still very obviously affected by these meds. sleep schedule is fucked up again which means no ritalin which means less to help suppress suicidal thoughts. I'm hungrier than usual which makes me fear for my weight which makes my thoughts worse. Im doing a bad job at my job because ive had to stay home which also makes it worse. minor withdrawal symptoms from lowering my dose are telling me to eat more of the pills even if I hate them. I want to eat one right now and go back to bed but I know I shouldnt.
my mood is strange and i'm bruising from constanlyt walking into the walls and furniture again.
it's going to be a hard week.

>>41351374
>I suppose some people get into BDSM for that because then someone else administers the dosage, so to say.
giving up what little control I have doesn't appeal to me, but I can see how it could work for others.
I doubt I'd trust anyone enough to try it anyway

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>>41355518
I totally understand how discouraging it can be to think, “What if I do everything and it’s still not enough?”, but for me, just starting that journey made me feel better and that gave me the boost I needed to keep going and do more. I’m not “there yet” and I’m still glad I started.

Taking care of yourself feels better than not, but choosing to take care of yourself can be its own process. Try something small, give yourself the chance to feel it help. Don’t get distracted by all or nothing thinking.

I’m done with all of this
I’m tired of pretending I’m not in a dead end life that will produce nothing of worth to anyone
I’m tired
I’m tired
I’m
Tired

>>41371023
All good, take care and rest well.

>>41332421
I did sign up for an orientation session for the classes about a month-and-a-half from now, if that goes okay then classes start in January.
>this is one of the cases where failure is just as big a step forward as success
For small mistakes, certainly, but It's difficult to see how this applies to, e.g., failing the test. That's months of work gone to waste. The fact you believe otherwise makes me think it may be true, though.
>I STRONGLY encourage it not just for learning but also experimentation
The experimentation part is what interests me the most, it's scary but I have so many flaws I want to know how I operate in more, you could say, complicated environments than passing time alone at home.

>>41307921
this week I cleaned up all the trash in my room and my gamer cave. I vacuumed the floors of the whole apartment (with some help). I did all of my online classes homework on time even though I skipped most lectures as usual. I should be proud of myself. Does it count if I did it bc I want to fuck someone and I'm just so excited about it? Is taking advantage of my fleeting feelings of excitement and lust for my own benefit wrong? I keep filling my life with empty sex, drugs, and drinking--anything that gives me dopamine. I drank a lot this week though. I don't feel like I'm actually improving, just exploiting a bug in my brain's programming. I'm a neet troon that only chases hedonistic desires and has otherwise given up on life. What do I do?

>>41330185
The whole area is very beautiful. I tried reaching the peak once and failed. Mostly because I was on a 24h+ fast.

>>41376424
That sounds pretty great.
I'm glad you're having a good time.

If you don't mind me asking, how does fasting work exactly?

I keep forgetting that you can cook with mustard

I don’t remember my last post again
Something about jealousy
I’m anhedonic now
Need to stop seeing the therapist it’s no longer worth it
Im so fucking tired of my impostor syndrome
I think today it’s just right
I have no right to call myself a woman when I didn’t have dysphoria as a kid.
I hate myself
Yes yes yes yes I know.
I’m just tired ya know? I want this to stop. Not wait. I keep trying and for what. It changes nothing. I am sick.

I am a bad person and it only makes sense that my life is bad.

I'll see you all tomorrow.

>>41307921
hi self improvement gen im sorry that i haven't posted here in years... the people in this thread have helped me a little once upon a time.

im 21 i've been transitioning for 2 years and I'm starting college soon (starting, not returning to). after highschool i let myself spiral into isolation/dysphoria induced suicidality for about a year until I started transitioning at 19 and it's been a slow crawl out of that pit of despair ever since.

I'm a full time girlmoder, but I mostly dress pretty plain. I wear women's jeans and t shirts almost every time i leave the house, + maybe a cardigan or a hoodie. i dress fem but basic. i have friends, cis girls and cis gays, and other trans people too, who all say that I'm pretty and that I look great and that I have "body tea" and things like that, but despite all that I'm really not where I wanna be in my transition... I feel like a monster.

It's been 2 years and I don't even know how to do makeup. I tried shopping at a makeup store once and I was so nervous and so worried that everyone thought I was disgusting and didn't belong there that I literally broke down crying and left and sobbed for hours, and nothing even happened. I just feel so self conscious all the time and it prevents me from doing things I wanna do. I'm also flat because I'm super underweight and I'm trying so hard to eat better so that I can grow boobs but I just have such a hard time with it...

I just, I don't know. I wanna be better at being transgender... I wanna be prettier. I wanna take better care of myself. Ironically I feel like because I'm so self conscious, it makes me more scared and less willing to make those kinds of changes, which just makes me even more self conscious, which just means I never make progress. It's like a cycle.
Does anyone have any advice on how to break that cycle? How did you start feeling confident enough to wear makeup, or shop for it? How did you lock in and start making your transition work?

>>41379707
i dont do makeup because i'm afraid of shopping for it and asking for help.
i dont style my hair because im afraid of damaging it with heat and ruining it forever.
i dont dress better because im afraid of being looked at.
i dont even take sufficient care of my eyebrows because i get so upset looking in the mirror too long i just start crying. im afraid of my own reflection.

i let fear get in my way every single step of the way. my dysphoria itself is preventing me from preventing my dysphoria. how do you overcome that? how do you overpower being so self conscious and just get out there and own it? I know there's so much more I could be doing, and deep down I know there's no real other answer other than to "just do it", but i'm just having such a hard time...

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>>41358521
Just got the confirmation today, basically.
It's not surprising, but they've basically said, >yeah, if you're on DIY get fucked until you're not
which I expected, but it still stings, and I'm getting the emotional combo of bitterness, disappointment, hopelessness, upset etc.
They've not closed my application, but they've said they wont assess my medical status until I'm on legit HRT at a minimum. Should have listened and not told them shit ~very heavy sigh there~.
I guess I'll take the next 6-24 months fighting them while leaving my application open, and find some job that at least covers me moving out. At least I'm free to transition, but being effectively told I'm not good enough specifically because I'm trans really does hurt.
My criteria on enlistment now are basically
>get on NHS hondosing while just doing DIY anyway so I can say i'm on a stable dose.
>get FFS sorted at a minimum surgically
>start talking to a psych so I can prove to them i'm not insane
>keep working on phys so they can't turn around and bullshit me with that
I'll just throw myself at phys to cope, mainly, I think. Maybe I'll see about getting involved in some forces-related charities. Fuck it, they haven't broken me yet.
>>41355518
I mean, shit, it's either this or roll over and die. At least I'll be a more interesting footnote if anyone bothers remembering me.
>>41370192
>better to delay that that have it interfere with your transition.
Sort of figured this, and I don't really have a choice in the matter. But yeah basically.
>>41379707
>How did you start feeling confident enough to wear makeup, or shop for it?
I mean, shit, I don't really girlmode, but I just bought makeup online and hide behind my low-quality webcam instead of using a mirror to avoid the violent disgust of getting it wrong.
Hair, you just need heat protector and you'll be fine, even just like styling once a week or once a month to build up some mental resilience against that fear will help as well.

>>41379707
So, great progress, I'm proud of you.
Being disgusted of yourself even though everyone thinks you're pretty is brainworms. Every t girl has it, most of cis girls do too. The confident stealthy t girls usually compensate with honfidence, like I do. (Honfidence =/= confidence. Honfidence is a hon's ability to girlmode deluding himself he passes despite the fact that he clearly never will.)

For your first makeup experiment try raiding the makeup closet of someone you're on good terms with. Yes, it's icky but still - 10yo little girls do that.
Don't bother yourself with theory, what you need at first are steady hands.
And to breathe. Believe that makeup belongs on you when, how and if you want it.
Ask your cis friends to help with makeup, cisgirls loove that thing, especially if one of them works for Avon (that's literally how I found out about what color if lipstick is good for me).

Other than that, if you want to build your makeup stack, I suggest going somewhere neutral like Tesco. A larger one. Shit quality makeup is fine to start with. You'd need
> Nail polish
> Lipstick
> Liquid foundation
> Corrector/highlighter
> Mascara
> Eyeliner pencil
> Brow comb (typically they are on eyeliner pencils)
> Micellar water
> Cotton pads (serve as double duty to help you sterilize the vial cap and the injectiin target)

You can find all of those in hypermarkets and drug stores, buy the cheapest brane, experiment and laugh in stead of cry when you'll look like a 5 year old smearing makeup on herself. (It took me a year. I'm girlmoding for 10 yrs, and wear makeup only for occassions - it's part of my formalwear)

And dressing basic - look around see what cissies do:
> Dress less fem than guys
> Sneaker, tight jeans, boat/V-neck, cardigan, shawl
> Suit jacket and a shirt of better material for the higher ones with a mandatory large necklace.

>>41380941
I'm sorry that happened, Navy, and especially since you'd need the NHS with waiting time measured in decades to centuries.
Try to practice hrave for yourself, which is a hard thing to do right now. Hell, I hate myself opening my stupid fucking mouth 4 years ago. If I could only shut up...
You couldn't rep anymore. Your choice was different and if you didn't open your mouth, then you would have been asked to rep. Because your papers are not cöean. And that's an issue.
And please, do describe your initial contact with NHS.
> 5 years later, post-FFS, 5.5 yrs HRT
> Navy goes to the NHS doctor en femme, the clothes complimenting her figure even though her brainworms destroying all of her confidence.
> "Welcome, Mr... Miss... err..." the NHS spook clearly says a woman having a male name on the appiintment card.
> "Are you ftm or mtf?"
> You tell your life story
> "So you... want to be a woman... to serve your country?"
> "No I just need a paper from you to enlist confirming that I haven't lost it or a rapest, or a pedo or something terfs are afraid of."
> "So let's start you on 0.25 oral E a day, which is half a 0.5 mg pill, and next time you better come in a frilly dress with a cake in your hand."
> 3 months later
> "Hmmm... I see your latest bloodwork and your E is 260 pgml, PRL is normal, liver function and clotting normal, FSH, LH, GnRH, T is near-zero. Care to explain?"
> Navy shrugs "Well, some women are more sensitive to E than others."

bump, take care for now

>>41315298
>Exactly, I hope you get there sooner than you think
I hope so as well.
I have a few more ideas to try for money but it's clear I'll need to develop new skills if I want to remain relevant.

>We are seeing employers slowly but surely crushing themselves under their own cluelessness and bureaucracy
It seems like it, it's still weird people are able to stay in business despite it all.
I don't really grasp it.

>I don't believe in a rude awakening but I do think something's gonna give eventually
Statistically it needs to.
No amount of AI or underpaying can sustain this kinda of market.

>>41315298
>I can relate
Yeah, it's an aspect of my life I need to stop neglecting if I want to get better overall.

>Unless you spend a lot of time on your phone/laptop I would generally suggest paper, you can take inspiration from various templates
I spend a lot of time on my phone usually.
I do see how physical writing would be better, maybe I could use my phone and a book?

>CGP grey comes to mind, his stuff is more productivity oriented, and he sells his own, but taking a look is free
Okay great, thank you kindly for the recommendation, it is appreciated :)

>>41378648
Indeed, it's pretty handy.

Been working out so much I've masculinised back into the figure i had as an absolute femchad 1-2 years into transition (4yrs in now)
>Pros
-Extremely strong now, can lift my gf who's a lil chubby and throw her in the air and stuff
-Think it's good for my mental health and stuff to be strong
-People take me more seriously as a man moder gender fuck thing cause I just look like a strong, pretty man
>Cons
-Dysphoria getting worse
-That's it, thats then only con
Idk do I just lean into being ripped. I rly like making my gf feel small and loved. She doesn't really care about looks. She thinks I'm hot but she's got a broad taste and she liked me when I was more femme too.

>>41340461
>Try to take a few breaths
I've managed to calm down from the whole realisation for the most part.
I do appreciate your consideration very much though, it's very kind of you.

>You didn't hurt anyone here. You're helping people. You're helping your buns.
I mean, I've tried to be helpful or useful despite how badly I mess up these days.

I don't care for any bunnies of my own at this stage, due to a number of reasons, I mainly figured that they were a good way to keep things more pleasant here.
They are cute.

>Your life, your birth is not a mistake
I try to believe that, my overall performance in life leaves much to be desired I'm afraid.
Both financially and on a personal level.

>And I know exactly that in this moment you want to argue with me, and you won't believe a fucking word I just said. That's okay
I'm trying to be a little less stubborn, more receptive to information.
It's hard to feel good or at peace with myself in general though.
I appreciate your efforts to console me all the same.

>>41340461
>Do you feel anything in your body when you say "your birth was a horrible mistake" or "the fact that I will always be a burden to my family"?
My throat and chest feels tight, and I have a pit in my stomach. Mostly anxiety.
I'm learning to live with it.

>Do you want to talk about it? It's okay if you don't
I'm willing to talk about it, if it can help me work with it.

My openings for conversation are a little slim but I'm willing to try.

>>41307921
Make sure you all get enough water and rest.

just spent half a day clearing up 1% of the doom piles

>>41311765
>If I fuck it up and get into a psych ward with an attempt my whole family will hate me and I'd need to get on meds
not much of a family to begin with

>>41386038
nice work :)
using this as a little motivation to chip away at mine today

>>41386038
Good progress is a steady thing, good on you, Anon.

>>41386842
kind of, but i have a thrift addiction, and end up buying stuff i have no place for.. don't want to throw it away either (it's mostly with tags or good condition), but as a manmoder have a bit of anxiety selling it using my not-so-deadname

>>41386970
Make a new eBay account? You don’t have to solve this problem fully to keep moving forward. A short term solution will do.

hai /sig/mas!! ly all hope you're all taking care of yourself <3
i don't have much for today but i've been all over the place with uni stuff. i feel like i'm starting to plateau out a bit with cutting weight, might have to get back in the gym. i kinda miss the gym but it's always scary going back in there. i'll try and figure out a time when it isn't crowded.

>>41387863
i guess.. there are other sites too but some would result in sharing contacts with buyers. not that i care too much at this point but still. also just kinda busy with uni business atm.. and depression.. and just tired etc. also want to finish my weight loss before i start emptying out everything (yea i know people have probably heard this before lol)

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>>41388539
>also want to finish my weight loss before i start emptying out everything
I understand. I’m holding onto some clothes that might fit me again someday too.

Here’s the rub. You said these clothes are in “doom piles,” which is an ADHD term for items you’re keeping out as a reminder to do something about them. But you’ve also given me this timeline of long term tasks you want to accomplish first, which is a lot of time to leave these things out in piles in your way. It’s not good for them, and you probably find clutter in your space stressful and upsetting. Leaving this stuff out while you’re going to school and trying to get in shape sounds like it would make everything else you’re trying to do first that much harder. Like, are you moving them all to vacuum and dust your living space regularly, or can you not clean your room until they’re dealt with? If you aren’t cleaning your space consistently, that might also be an additional strain on your productivity and morale. You might be caught in a loop where staying ready for this long term goal is interfering with your short term goals. Also, leaving new with tags items in piles is not a good way to store clothes to keep them nice, as I’m sure you want to do.

There’s nothing wrong with waiting to get rid of these items, but do they have to stay in doom piles until then? Can you not put them into bins now and get them into a closet or some other type of storage space until you’re ready for them?

What I’ve learned is that you’ve got to do lateral problem solving to disrupt this paralysis. You’ve got to cut through the knot that can’t be untied.

But let me stress in closing that I’m just making suggestions to help you accomplish something you told us you were working on and having a hard time with. And if you read this post and still want different advice from me or anyone else, letting us know that ain’t gonna hurt my feelings.

hot take people always say it isn't your fault that someone you knew/liked/loved died by suicide. well sometimes it is actually your fault. sometimes all people want is just one person to care about them, but they have no one, and you never even attempted to get to know them. nobody ever tries to get to know others. people only care about themselves.

trying to lose weight

>>41392110
Goodluck, I'm trying to gain more muscle mass.

>>41370192
>Heya, bunon. Honestly, from what I can tell, it is not that you are a burden in the.sense that you think you are
I just wish I was able to properly support myself right now, at the very least so that people don't have to worry about me so much.
Financially at least, I am a liability for the moment.

>Sure you lean on them, but at the same time you should not treat the impact you have in such a unidirectional way
How do you mean exactly?

>Look at how much you're giving in terms of support yourself
I try to be there socially and emotionally as much as I can.
I don't have what's needed to fix a lot of major concerns at this stage but I try as much as I can.

But, I plan to change this.
I will get better, somehow.

bump

>>41389702
I probably made it sound worse than it is, there's just generally too much stuff around. I don't exactly throw it in piles, more like an organised chaos meme way. Also stuff in bags and boxes. Just looks a bit too much like a badly managed warehouse, instead of living space. My room used to be worse when living with parents. Not to mention i do have some ADHD and doom piling does happen.

My ex-boyfriend raped and dumped me. I blame myself. I got way too high and didn't say no. I know if I said no he probably would've stopped. I just didn't. I started acting like such a dickhead after it, because I was too pussy to tell him about it. I should've just told him no. We'd probably still be together. I'm so stupid.

I know that sounds fucking stupid. Why am I like this? Why do I have feelings for my fucking rapist?

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>>41288078
What the hell, I noticed I quoted you but forgot to add the reply I had for you!
Pardon the copy paste error. I wanted to ask what those personal failings of yours are.
>>41361146
I do, and sometimes it takes time to get anywhere changing things for the better. Especially when changing old habits and copes. It sucks.
>>41361439
Heya Tim! Tried to hunt down our last convo, I believe >>40997374 was my last reply to you. I'm happy to have you back. I'm sorry to hear you haven't been well recently. I remember you considering moving the surgery you mentioned a couple times back to december, did you end up doing it? It sounds like you feel stuck, which was kinda what we last talked about, too.
>>41363526
>i ended up not doing it yet. i have some major problems with moving the goalpost
>i cant just contact her without feeling like i havent done enough, or that it's too soon and i should wait another month.
I understand, then it is worth exploring.
>showing up empty handed would be the death of me.
Can you articulate why? As in, what reaction do you expect to get in that case?
>sorry if i tend to ramble a lot!
Oh shush, your rambling is very productive as it is on topic and lets me get into your head better. You are doing ok! I think a lot of those "not ready" thoughts might need a bit of critical examination. Let's try make a concrete list of things you would like to do before contacting (almost done you basically did already) and add a few wrinkles:
1) a measurable target. Numbers, basically. how much is enough?
2) a motivation *why* these things should be a precondition, prod at it. It can make overcoming the barriers easier when you challenge them.
>suffering in silence has been a long friend of mine, but i do think now's the time for oversharing, rather than not sharing at all
Precisely. Suffering in silence will just keep you stuck, you have reason to be proud of yourself fighting it.

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>>41361663
As far as I can tell meds can help a great deal, absolutely! How have you been fairing since?
>>41365390
>all my irl friends have actual lives and real jobs and proper sleep schedules.
Fixing your sleep schedule would def help finding more irls, and help you meet up with the ones you have. Do you live in a more rural or urban area?
>>41366228
As always, take all the time you need!
>>41366760
Heya, I figured you had lots to do after the move!
>Our living room is smaller but has a better spacial layout, if that makes sense?
Oh it does, hell, I think I had a situation like that before. Sorry to hear about the burn but I hope your husband scolded you at least a little bit! Gosh, Tanjinon..
>"Oh don't pay go to this free/low cost tenant right place!!" when I just want this over.
I get why your friend said it though, they probably weren't in the right to do this. But I get why you just wanted it over, too. It sucks. Wishing your mom all the best, by the way.
>All in all, things are looking up.
I'm happy for you!
>>41371374
>So, my therapist told me in my session yesterday that she’s is leaving my healthcare provider in a few weeks.
Oh god, it's that "in/out of network" shit that is rampant in the US, right? I am glad that it won't be too much trouble for you at least, look at how much you've grown.
>Also, I’ve been watching Earth Maiden Arjuna, which I’ve been immensely enjoying.
Oh nice, the most recent thing I watched was a villainess type anime where the central gag is that the main character solves problems by punching smug nobles into the schnoz. It was very cathartic.
>Yeah, I’m feeling good. Thank you and everyone else here for everything you did to help me get here.
It was my pleasure to help draw the strength you always had out of you! And I will keep cheering you on.
>going cash-only at this time and place
Yeah, the game is very much rigged against it. I am glad that some countries are still resisting it, at least.

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Alr, lunchtime.
>>41371440
Heya Shinji. I'm sorry to hear it is this rough right now, I assume after the side effects were discovered your medication was changed at least? I assume that is why you have withdrawal symptoms and such? It sucks that you have to go through this because a doc didn't pay attention to the fine print.
>giving up what little control I have doesn't appeal to me, but I can see how it could work for others.
I 100% get it, yeah, it's a tough call to make, and without someone you can trust with something this intimate it's off the table.
>>41375430
>I did sign up for an orientation session for the classes about a month-and-a-half from now
Perfect!
>The fact you believe otherwise makes me think it may be true, though.
I do strongly believe it, yes. My experience with academia is that people ought to know whether studying is for them after 1.5 years (3 semesters), with most ideally dropping out after 1-2 semesters. I am a strong advocate for encouraging people to risk failure. Even people that dropped out should have taken away something from the experience.
>I want to know how I operate in more, you could say, complicated environments than passing time alone at home.
100% agreed. Currently growth is more important than success and that requires challenge.
>>41375498
>I should be proud of myself. Does it count if I did it bc I want to fuck someone and I'm just so excited about it?
It counts, and you should be proud of yourself! Empty hedonistic pursuits as you describe them are an issue because they tend to consume your life, making you do them to hit the reward button without actually doing anything that is emotionally rewarding. The first step is to meaningfully improve your circumstances (as you just did) with any excuse necessary. Why you did it doesn't matter as long as you did it. What interests you, generally? Are there things that you (used to) emotionally invest into? For example, you study, right?
>>41373318
How do you feel today, Anon?

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>>41374813
Ended up being sunday, but I guess better late than never, right?
>>41378665
>I don’t remember my last post again
I believe the one I replied to in >>41315282. A lot of dysphoria stuff, loneliness and the like.
>Need to stop seeing the therapist it’s no longer worth it
How come? Tell me about it.
>I’m just tired ya know? I want this to stop. Not wait. I keep trying and for what. It changes nothing. I am sick.
I get that you must be exhausted. If you feel stuck now is as good a time as any to take a step back and look at the things you are trying and where things are presently headed.
>>41379142
What makes you feel this way, Anon?
>>41379707
I'm always happy to welcome someone back, no matter how long ago the last time was. I hope we can be good for you this time around as well! It sounds like you made a ton of progress crawling out of a deep pit. I'm happy for you in that regard!
>Does anyone have any advice on how to break that cycle?
>I know there's no real other answer other than to "just do it", but i'm just having such a hard time...
In general, as another Anon suggested, the best thing that comes to mind is that you should lean on other people for this. It sounds like that scares you though, so I think we should talk about what it is you are afraid of there.

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>>41382483
>>41382716
>No amount of AI or underpaying can sustain this kinda of market.
Especially since no AI product has made a single cent of profit in all this time.
>I spend a lot of time on my phone usually.
>I do see how physical writing would be better, maybe I could use my phone and a book?
Sounds like a plan, yes! As for note taking software, stuff like obsidian, markdown and org come to mind but I am a very programming minded guy so I don't expect those to be everyone's jam.
>Okay great, thank you kindly for the recommendation, it is appreciated :)
My pleasure.
>>41384601
I mean, being muscular and femme does not need to be mutually exclusive, right? If dysphoria is kicking your ass you could try look for inspiration how other buff women dress and present themselves. That might help?
>>41385997
Thanks for the reminder, made me drink.
>>41387893
Doing my best, Anon! You're clearly doing yours, too. How close are you to your target?

>>41307921
Goodnight everybody, I love you.

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should i stop being scared and start taking SSRIs/SNRIs? i don't know how else to stop myself from having all these sad and unproductive thoughts. 28 year old man suffering from deep shame since the age of 12 due to sexual interests (paraphilic disorder, autogynephilia, homosexual transexualism). Too late for transition.

>>41396842
additionally would anti-depressants help me with my binge eating and obesity?

>>41396842
just take the ssri
if you think 28 is too late to transition, how do you think you're gonna feel when you're 38? just take the estrogen

>>41396842
retard I'm the same age as you, just realized I'm trans, and I'm going to transition. You can make it if you get off your ass and do something about it.
Do you want to age as a male, get bald, and be hairy forever?

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>>41396842
Get on an SSRI. It’s probably going to make you feel more able and willing to do the rest of the work you need to do yourself.

I’ve been off and on antidepressants for a few years now, and the times when I was in worse shape were the times when I was not taking an antidepressant.

They can make a real difference.

>>41397389
>>41397438
>>41397482
how do i cope with low income and not having 100k$ to spend on surgeries to minimize the masculine aspects of my post-pubertal skeleton, would SSRIs help with that sadness? Would it help with binge eating? should I be ignoring the rest of this board and not give mind to my tall overall height or is this going to just be something about myself that I'll have to deal with indefinitely? im sorry for the stupid questions

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>>41397570
You’re putting the cart before the horse here. Getting on an SSRI is a starting point. It’s not a waste of time just because it isn’t going to solve all of your problems instantly.

I understand this kind of all-or-nothing thinking. I’ve been there myself. It’s easier to get stuck on when you’re in a bad place. It’s scary to commit to positive change because if “better” still isn’t a guarantee of every solution you could want, then “better” can’t possibly be enough. I was thinking that way as recently as the summer of ‘24.

I can remember calling suicide hotlines and saying the same things to them — that nothing I can do could possibly fix everything, and so there’s no point in trying anything.

You’re in a mindset where disappointment feels unbearable, and like it could destroy you. You don’t want to commit to anything but a certainty of satisfaction that seems impossible. That fragile way you’re feeling CAN change. An antidepressant can get you in that direction.

I hope you find this helpful.

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>>41397570
the ssri will help address the underlying cause of your binge eating.

as for your other concerns, this place is nothing but blackpilled 16 year old sociopaths. you'd be surprised how much less you'll worry about every little insecurity about your body if you stay off this crabs-in-a-bucket website and on hrt for a couple years. or at least, you wont treat that stuff as a failure of womanhood or whatever. it's like, pretty normal for women to be insecure about being tall. it's not just cope.

if you have a mentality of being unable to do something because you can't do it "perfectly", that's gonna hold you back. i struggle with that too.

>>41397844
>>41397893
thank you for taking me seriously and helping me understand what to do. im sorry if i annoyed you in any way. ill go and ask about SSRIs.

>>41398214
you're not annoying

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>>41398214
>>41398237
I’m glad we could help. That’s what we’re about here. Thanks for hearing us out.

Feel free to post here later about whatever else you’re trying to get done or get through.

Just feeling like shit this weekend. Played with the family dog a bit and did some training with him, only spent a little time doing chores, and I used the rest playing video games. Been pretty busy with school, but I still somehow find time to waste. Funny how that works.

My life is not bad, but I also feel like I don't have the emotional stability to keep myself content. My environment is sterile, soulless, and the people I live with are somewhat emotionally dysregulated like me--I guess they did raise me. I have tried many different therapists and while it was nice to have a place to vent, I also feel like it did not do much else for me.

Regardless, I'm trying to improve, and my bf seems to think it's just a matter of time before I've made it to my goals. He keeps telling me I've had an upward trajectory since about the time he met me. He's right, things were so different back then, and they have only improved to the point where I actually see a future for myself, but it doesn't make me feel any less like a loser.

He says I need to have more confidence in myself, that it will reflect in my behavior and more people will want to be my friends. I just find it hard to believe. My social prospects have been greater than ever, but I still feel there is something I am unable to articulate that separates me from others. I just get the feeling that others perceive me as weird or creepy. I don't want to be creepy, I don't want to make people uncomfortable, I just want to have community or people I can rely on.

So for now I've just stopped attempting to be social. I just mind my own business in school and life, not expecting myself to make any friends, but also not completely shutting out everyone. Where do I go from here /sig/?

goodnight bumo

>>41396439
>Doing my best, Anon! You're clearly doing yours, too. How close are you to your target?
hell yeah! nowhere close to my target but i'm just happy i am making some progress. need to cut around 8-ish kgs (18 lbs).

>>41400990
good morning bump

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am i waiting to die, or am i dying waiting
i need another drink

>>41398214
Sorry for calling you a retard, now go be the woman you want to be! And if you're worried it's all just a fetish - who honestly gives a fuck?

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>>41381334
I'm sort of lucky in that I can possibly dodge NHS waitlists using my parents' private care. But yeah.
I suppose I cope in that until I turn 32 or unless Reform/Tories/etc ban it outright, I can still, in theory, join up once my HRT is sorted. Still, it'll be funny to watch gender services try and hondose me and get ignored completely. Doing the whole diagnostic process will be a fun experience,
>walking into a doctor's office run by a devotee blanchardist with their diagnostic criteria that read like a sissy checklist
>"so why are you here today"
>"because the Army wont let me in unless I tell you lot my greatest dream is to be the perfect tradwife."
Gonna resist the urge to bring up Ursula Bower as "being a woman" gets reduced to egregious stereotypes.
>>41384601
If you're not all in on passing, then yeah, there's not really a reason not to. If I wasn't going to have to be openly trans to do (stuff I talk about too much), then I would probably go more heavy on upper body stuff.
>>41396842
"too late to transition" is a weird concept to me.
If you're only attracted to men anyway, then reproduction isn't really on the table, so aside from that, there is no reason not to take HRT.
If further masculinisation will cause further distress, then you can choose to simply not do that.
I'm not going to tell you you'll magically pass (I won't say you won't either - it's up to you), but for me, I decided I'd rather look like an androgynous or soft guy than what T had/was turning me into, and i'd really like to pass but my happiness isn't dependent on that.
I can't speak to whatever your specific paraphilia might be, but like I read Mechsploitation, which is pretty heavy on maso/sado and various amounts of noncon, and I'd say you don't need to hold the shame about them. It's a lot easier to stop feeling shame if you are able to find an environment where people talk about further out sexuality openly.
>>41396964
From what I've heard, they'll make it worse.

>>41396842
Also, just to do the re: further out sexuality thing
I had coworkers openly discuss wanting to engage in non-con, sexual sadism, etc, in my (now previous job).
I had one coworker talk to me about bloodplay in particular because this lass he was seeing (who was a teacher, iirc) was into it, and it turned out he probably was as well.
My point being, lots of people who are completely normal functional adults can be into some further out things.
>>41397570
Decide which things are causing you the most dysphoria and prioritise. This isn't "what is stopping me from passing" that can come later.
Unless your height is something you originally thought of as distressing before coming here, then it's not something worth addressing immediately. Obviously, height will make you stand out, but it's not a hard barrier to stopping the worst of dysphoria or necessarily even a barrier to passing; it depends on what your ideal end state would be.
>should I be ignoring the rest of this board
This place is a mental illness / brainworm factory, and a lot of posting is a consequence of that. I very rarely post outside sig for that reason.
Also, ignore me on SSRIs, I have like no experience with them so I shouldn't have commented.

>>41402665
>"Too late to transition" is a weird concept to me.
i just used Blanchard terms because it gave a certain impression, but honestly the whole sexuality thing is complicated in my case (wow how surprising). sorry for the confusion
>From what I've heard, they'll make it worse
maybe Wellbutrin would be better
>>41402872
> depends on what your ideal end state would be
being realistic with myself id be pretty happy just looking androgynous or like a softer looking dude though ideally i just wish i was shaped like a woman. can't have everything in life I guess

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>>41402665
>I decided I'd rather look like an androgynous or soft guy than what T had/was turning me into, and i'd really like to pass but my happiness isn't dependent on that.

this was my decision as well. i've been a lot better off with estrogen in my body. it feels correct. if it takes 10 years to pass or i never pass, then so be it. androgyny as a worst case scenario is fine with me.

i'm not going to blame myself for starting in my 30s because i've had a rough life. everything in my life has been extremely late.

>>41376777
You've probably heard of intermittent fasting. There you just skip one meal of the day, for most it's breakfast. So you have an eating window of 8 hours a day and fast for the remaining 16 hours. (ie first meal at 12 and stop eating at 8). In this window you're allowed to eat anything, although i would suggest a high protein, high fat diet.
Fasting for a day or multiple days is a bit of a challenge. There are people who just drink water, some drink salts/electrolytes as well. You should ease into the fast and come out of it with a light meal.
search for snake diet on youtube to get started or on /fit/ there is a fasting general.

>>41396439
>Especially since no AI product has made a single cent of profit in all this time
That is even weirder, you'd expect a mass investment like that to have some outcome.

>Sounds like a plan, yes! As for note taking software, stuff like obsidian, markdown and org come to mind
Awesome, I will be sure to look into them soon.

>but I am a very programming minded guy so I don't expect those to be everyone's jam
It's all good, I'm trying to get back into the sphere of programming and computer work so maybe I can ease back into comfortably this way.
I also, might wanna make a game some day.

>My pleasure
:)

>>41405912
Ah I see now, thank you for explaining it all to me, I appreciate it.

so i have a TON of schoolwork to do but i keep daydreaming about romance instead. consuming various short-term media in the process. i was never in a relationship and never had any real intimate moments, and was coping allright with that until like a month ago when the need for love exploded out of a sudden.
its like an addiction at this point. how do i numb the feelings and focus on whats more pressing at the moment?

>Friend used to live in walkable city. Takes the train & walks all the time. Never showed signs of having issues.
>Divorce
>Moved
>New gf
>Suddenly can’t walk
>Too young and always had desk jobs
Is this some tiktok disease? I get that things can onset and it happen, but something feels off.

Kind of in need for advice, and this seems like the best thread for it.

My partner and I are really into D/s. We met on a kink site, where I was sub, and they were a dom. From the beginning, our relationship was very much built on the fact that 90-95%% of the time, they're a dom, but I flip it on them like 1 in 10 times. No problems for years. Suddenly, a lot of insecurity came flooding out. Turns out, they were becoming more and more insecure about me not wanting to dom more over time, until it all boiled over. After that, I found myself domming like 75% of the time, with periods so intense where it's nearly 100%. This has been happening for months. I don't want to dom that much. When I do dom, I enjoy it, but I don't want to do it that often. We just exited a period where I was strictly dominant for like 2 weeks straight, and our kink thing came to an end, and now they want to be dominated again. They're super insecure about it, and every time I attempt to divert their subby energy and prompt them into domming, we lose hours awake at night, with me calming their anxiety about them finding themselves gross for being sexually weird. When I don't seem to be playing into their submissiveness, they say I'm making them feel awkward, or I'm being mean/rude (jokingly, but they clearly don't like it). I don't know how to broach this topic without hurting them. Is that even possible? Anyone have similar experiences?

>>41409035
Experience has taught me that not only can a person’s preferences for D/s roles can change over time, sometimes “I want to be in this role forever” is an idea that you can enjoy in the moment without having the ability or desire to actually make that commitment.

In relationships, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to not only know what we want, but to know what we’ll *always* want, and try to predict the unpredictable. Even cishet couples can fall out of love or stop being attracted to a partner they’re married to.

There is this attitude in the queer community that hurt feelings are always avoidable if you just find the right way to express yourself. This attitude is not without its positives, but it can also create a situation where hurt feelings are perceived as something only caused by deliberately malicious behavior.

The reality is that sometimes the conversation you need to have the most is going to be upsetting and unpleasant, and there’s no “right way to put things” so that no one is upset. I have rejected and been rejected. It can be painful. But so is pretending nothing is wrong, or noticing something is amiss that your partner refuses to fess up to because they don’t want to upset you by being sincere.

You’re not getting what you want out of this dynamic, and you should say so. You’re not wrong for wanting to mention it. The fact that it might not be possible to sugarcoat it doesn’t mean you should keep putting it off.

>>41402665
> until I turn 32
And that's what I wanted to ask with looking down years on civvie street. Enlistment is age limited and for very good reason, glad you're aware of that. Do you think it's feasible based on your age to get in even if you have to wait years?

>>41385116
> I'm trying to be a little less stubborn, more receptive to information.
> It's hard to feel good or at peace with myself in general though.
Probably I'm projecting, but I don't think that you being stubborn is a problem now, but please correct me if I'm wrong. From where I stand you seem to be lost in your thoughts, and you might be in a bad place.

> I try to believe that, my overall performance in life leaves much to be desired I'm afraid.
Maybe I misunderstood, but you feeling you could do more, especially for your family doesn't mean that your life and birth is a mistake. Can I ask you to at least try to refocus on that? That when you criticize yourself ("My life is a mistake.") In stead try to frame that in a bit more forward-looking statements? ("Tfw no bf.", "I need to do more for my family.", "I need to earn more money.") Because these are problems you can solve constructively.

>>41385487
> My throat and chest feels tight, and I have a pit in my stomach. Mostly anxiety.
That's why I wanted to ask you. Thank you for being present with your feelings. They are important, and you don't need to suppress them. (But... Maybe you are in a place, a time or around people where you do, and that's okay. Even though in that case please do try to seek somewhere and someone where you can be yourself.)

>>41385487
When I feel like that, usually I'm in a dark place. I don't know about your history, and again, I'm probably projecting. What helped for me is when I feel lost in my thoughts I try to focus away from intrusive thoughts. Like feeling I'd be better off dead, or feeling like an abject failure. I try to focus on something else, something around me. Like naming things I see, or feeling where I sit. Or looking at something in my room and trying to describe that in as much detail as possible. Or just counting breaths.

> My openings for conversation are a little slim but I'm willing to try.
/tttt/ isn't exactly the place to be open with emotions, especially those having deep roots. Some would suggest a therapist or someone safe, but I know enough that most of us have been through unhelpful or harmful therapists, cannot afford them outright, and have no one safe to talk to.

>>41407189
> That is even weirder, you'd expect a mass investment like that to have some outcome.
Welcome to the stock market. You don't sell numbers, you sell stories, and if your story is good enough, people might think you're the next Amazon. Or Tesla. Tesla was a money black hole in the first couple of years. Most people are crying bubble now, and I can see the edges of the next AI winter.

> It's all good, I'm trying to get back into the sphere of programming
Why did you leave the career? Do you have credentials, a job history, and some heavyweight certs? Because I can't really recommend you entering as a junior until the next AI winter or until RTO is finalized globally.

> I also, might wanna make a game some day.
For fun, yes. For money, no.
Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's. - if you want a job in the scene, try to automate yourself out of a job, and hoard your processes. If you want to code, really code, do it for fun, and don't expect money for that.
I've seen too many great devs wanting to make a game and sinking spectacularly.
Goes double if you want your own engine.

>>41409035
Firstly: >>41410098
That's looking out for yourself, and looking out for yourself is healthy.

Secondly: Your partner might be fixated on something, or had a sinister reason for entering the scene. What they need right now is a shrink. You're not their shrink. What you described goes beyond standard aftercare.
What I suggest is that you take a step back, and think away from one another and away from it all.

If you do want to keep your current partner, because you love them, I think you should try to be a bit more vanilla for a period of time, and try to talk to them about why do they feel this way? My spidey-sense tells me mommy/daddy issues, extra points if they were beaten as a child, one or both of their parents used {substances} or has been to jail/deployed a lot.
But probably I'm projecting.