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Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
(perhaps even try arrange spontaneously meeting up with an IRL contact near you!)
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: presently defunct afaik.
Discord: https://discord.gg/pUuXdBjKX2

>>42507580
>- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
Thanks OP I did this and I froze into a big cube

Just had gay e-sex. I kinda enjoyed myself but ngl i feel bad about having sexuality of any kind bc of my low self esteem.
Not very important i'm just kinda eh.
Just wish my pp never got hard and storkes brought kids to couples irl.

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Alright, here’s an update on what I’ve been up to.

I ordered a wig stand and styling head. I cut my hair a bit shorter the last time I got my hair cut to make it easier to wear a wig. I got a red and black wig for my birthday last year, that will be the first one I’ll be styling. It’s sorta low end, and not something I’d want to wear constantly, but I think that makes it better to practice with.

I bought a couple of 3 lb/ about 1.5 kg handweights and tried some new exercises with them. This was really my first time exercising with any weights and it felt like just the right amount of added challenge.

The next new recipe thing I’m planning on cooking is a sweet and sour stir fry with tofu and mango.

I think that’s enough for now!

Very cold... good night

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>>42496160
>Ah.. someone who fulfilled you emotionally, intellectually.. I see what you mean.
Yes, that and so much more. I loved- well, love him with body and soul, I'm terrifically autistic so any form of human connection is difficult. Love, connection and admiration in one package was a first, a combination of things that I don't want to much less have the resources to search for. I'm not exactly an ugly person, at least I seem to have options, but any of them would be settling for less if you excuse me sounding like a bitch. I suppose it is true what they say about the myth of ambrosia, you drink it only to be robbed of everything else the world could offer, and when all you can have is less than what you already tasted you will either live a life of yearning or die searching for it again.
>Would you be alright sharing what your field is, roughly?
You might have guessed already, but it is specific and if any of my cut throat peers found out I was in 4chan of all places no matter what I was doing here I would lose all my connections, perhaps it's good that the field is dying, they sure deserve it.
>get you out of isolation
I know people, I interact with other people, maybe its years of a finely sculpted facade or my autism but I find these people uninteresting at best and infuriating at worst. I have no connection with them besides perhaps sharing alcohol and cigarettes, I imagine they feel the same, empty social calories, maybe it is why I clung to him, he was a filling meal in this sense, God I miss being well fed, I do not like withering away like this, I don't want to rot until I'm a husk of a human being, I genuinely believe dying with my virtues is better than being buried as a pile of loosely assembled human parts.

im snapping every day for the past 3 months since i went for my jaw surgery reop and was forced to live being watched 24/7 in my abusive bpd panopticon childhood home with cameras everywhere and no locks or anything
I just barely moved into an airbnb and started isolating myself, but I want to as soon as I get home completely shut off and board my room and make it incredibly dark for 3 months while I no-life this thing because the alternative is torture and honestly I'm losing so much hope in people right now that almost every conversation I have feels like it pushes my isolation timeline another week, I'm hyper dissociated rn and hoping none of this worms its way into my subconscious because I don't want to tranny kaczynski my life away, if i cant integrate in society anymore i feel like being a tranny loses a lot of its meaning
anyways rate my budget, thirdie country and I john 23'ed at FAANG so I might have a couple months lead in to use my healthcare plan (and idk maybe it has tranny packages) as well as the benefits which is like food and transport and utilities and stuff. im mentally ill and a protected class so surely they wont fire me but either way i can deal with it if they do.

>>42512854
whyyyy did it not post the image

>>42512854
>works at FAANG
>word salad catastrophizing about nothing
What the fuck are you talking about? Just take your goddamn meds and continue going to work as normal.

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>>42512870

>>42512875
if i go to work next week i think ill genuinely do shit i regret im bpd unmedicated for 3 months and people have been mega abusive to me since i uhh forever

>>42512876
How are you spending so much money

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>>42513038
i havent started im willing to do like 2 surgeries a month for a year until I feel like I don't want to claw my face off, im really just willing to use up all my savings on this since i feel like I can win them back
taking into account investments and savings im fairly sure I can get all accounts to last me 2 years even at this extreme budget, like 80% of it is already illiquid to me so it wouldnt matter if i kept it in savings or bonds or stocks or w/e instead of in my bank
either way ill have to revise when I start following it, no way I spend 400$ on medication even with purchasing bica + estradiol pills especially since orchi is like the first thing I want to do and also switch to injections
either way I think the budget itself is fixed, I'll just reorder stuff, I don't want to play games for entertainment I want to do gender affirming agp bullshit for my stupid shitty tranny mental illness like photography and fashion and cosplay and horny stuff and vr so I can socialize without seeing my shitty body and all that

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Surgery done, 13-gauge needles into the back of the neck hurt. Also, they hit me with a needle of adrenaline, and I didn't know, so I thought I was tweaking out.
Basically, cocooning at home for a week or so now and idk what to do with myself.
I guess voicetrain.

dios mio el pagina ocho

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Despite normal levels and LOTS of cardio and exercise + hiit training, my transition has been a disaster, and keeps getting worse. These pics are not in chronological order but show the extreme differences in facial swelling. I get an average of 12,000 steps a day, often bike 20 miles every few days and am no stranger to heavy lifting in the gym.

>you just got fat and look chopped

I’m wondering if I have some kind of disorder like Hashimotos or multiple food sensitivities because the facial swelling can come and go within a few days and sometimes a few hours, not months. Often the inflammation is body-wide and coincides with fluctuating pain and energy levels. Has anyone dealt with anything like this? I’m so exhausted and at the end of my rope. Is it just stress? My levels have stayed within normal ranges for over 3 years.

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>>42515988
More extreme examples of the moon face. It usually also coincides with extreme anxiety, agitation, and sometimes hair falling out and acne despite being in spiro (all my acne disappeared when I started it except for these weird flare-ups.) the acne is always the same 3 pimples in the same spots and face flushing which I’ve been told can be symptomatic of thyroid issues or hormonal issues. I’ve gotten so many tests and blood panels and they always come back normal so I don’t really understand what it is. My weight stays fairly consistent and often have visible abs despite the inflammation, so I know it’s not simple weight gain. I might also be gluten intolerance or dairy intolerance. I know it makes me ugly, I’m sorry I know it’s cringe but I feel so exhausted and at the end of my rope with my passing being completely unpredictable day-to-day

>>42516174
I don't know about the other stuff, but I'd suggest swapping from Spiro to Bica/Cypro. With Spiro affecting hydration i'd guess non zero chance it affects bloating.

Decided to get on troonpills even though i consider myself cis and have no issues with being seen as a man.
I'd just like to be cuter.
I've been told that if it isn't for me i'll know immediately in the first months of hrt.
I cant do it before the summer for financial reasons anyway so i still have the time to think on it but yeah. I'm pretty determined to do it.

>>42516246
I can’t get either in America afaik. I ordered crypto for a while and actually the second picture was during crypro but I ran out. Is there a way to get it prescribed here?

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>>42470808
>an attractive person before me like a carrot before the eyes of a starving man.
Sounds like you're unfulfilled on the romance front. Would you like to talk about it? Do you feel like it's hopeless?
>>42459720
>Like getting a haircut
>It's like they realise im abnormal and weird and cant keep a conversation going.
I see, so this is basically the kinda situation that only piles more negative experiences.
It sounds like what you need is a more.. gentle environment, where you can approach people at your own pace? That and some guidance on how to keep up a conversation sounds like the general sort of things you look for, in that case. We have a book for the latter in the resources, although the shadowlib links aren't up to date.
>>42470753
>>42470772
It's alright to take your time, Anon. The only thing I find regrettable is that I could help you maybe find a middle ground or alternative to dropping out before it came to pass. Not that I am saying you shouldn't have, we might have come to that conclusion regardless, but I would have worked more incrementally with more data points in between. Still,
>the exams are just too much pressure for my schizobrain.
exams ARE a rough environment, oral ones later on especially for many. And I think you made the right choice, thinking about it again more carefully.
> Would've cost me like 200€ bucks
Ah, that sucks then, I thought it woulda been for free.
>No offense.
None taken. It has perks, beautiful perks, but I have grown disillusioned, and I don't know if I am in the right decade to even pursue academia. The Zeitgeist just doesn't align with my beliefs.
>But I will never stop studying and learning on my own.
This.. this matters so much more than a piece of paper, agreed. And your thirst for knowledge would make you an excellent Quereinsteiger in all manner of professions, I feel. That much I can tell.
>Cult of the Lamb.
I am looking forward to playing woolhaven when I have more time again! Dropped a bit ago.

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>>42476296
>I'll go for it
Perfect. Hope you don't get stuck with that one fucker.
>I suck at approaches, but usually after I'm fine.
I can help to take time to make yourself feel a little prepared, even if it doesn't actually do much. A bit of self deception can go a long way to build confidence.
>I'm perfectly capable, huh? I just need to get over my fears. But how?
You describe impostor syndrome. Most people in undergrad have it, and most still do post grad, I feel. One thing that helps a lot is to sometimes ground yourself with the knowledge base of the AVERAGE person. A more "negative" way of thinking that still helps is "If I deem myself incapable, would that mean I consider anyone performing less well than me incompetent?" to which most answer "no"; in which case: how can you be incapable if people who perform worse than you don't register as such?
>diving into the fucking deep end and brute-forcing interactions.
That is important, exposure. You are missing something else in this, I fear:
>I have thoughts constantly about the way people perceive me
I think what you describe is basically "mind reading": you project thoughts into other people's heads without feedback. What you need is a bit of, let's call it after care.
>Why should I be having fun doing something and then immediately be tortured with some perceived faux pas everyday?
I think the googleable term for THAT is post event rumination, if you are interested to look up other people's experiences with it! It might be a bit freeing to read advice and perspectives from varying sources. But as for me I tend to go with direct communication as I said above.
>>42477179
>Only 255 days until my diet is complete
A start is a start, what's your current game plan?

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>>42487303
>Literally every day I worry I upset my boyfriend or a friend just because they take awhile to respond.
Hm, do you recall these fears ever having been justified in the past, perhaps with other people? Sometimes we generalize from our past experiences way past what they actually allow us to. Do you know why they usually take a while, for example are they often afk?
>>42488652
Hm.. but that sounds overall like you wouldn't have to socially detrans at all if he just accepted going against his parents. I will drop this for now but something just doesn't add up there for me.
>And the things I am interested in, I'm not deeply into them, just a novice still.
That is more of a boon than you may realize with some sorts of people. Are you, generally, interested to learn about things? Well, people enjoy talking about things they consider their field of expertise. Instant conversation starter.
>People hate me for saying something politically incorrect
Those kinda social situations are lost causes for no fault of your own, then. It just means that you need someone who keeps a reasonably open mind and doesn't consider edges a reason to go for the jugular. Drifting apart is something fixable (if you like we can discuss how), but people noping out over small stuff is probably for the best. Cutting losses early territory.
>I've been kicked out of discord servers for calling myself retarded.
Which is *retarded* of them to do, in my opinion.
>>42488675
>My life is fucking SHIT.
What's up, Anon?
>>42488700
To chime in on one particular thing:
>But we would be alone and reclusive here, in a culturally diverse blue state, whereas his family has been in his state for generations.
Have you considered living with your boyfriend for a few months, for start? To feel things out?
>>42494292
>If he doesn't love me back until valentine's I'm shooting myself, no more games in this bitch
Would you mind telling me about him? Have we talked before?

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>>42492085
I'm rooting for you, Anon.. but that is a lot of pressure you put on yourself, there. I get why, I think, but I wonder if having contingencies in case things go wrong would make you feel safer? Because feeling safer = less stress/better MH = better performance = things are less likely to go wrong in the first place.
>>42495320
>I'm barely functional. Not sure if it's depression or what.
Sounds an awful lot like depression, yes. The going for walk part is already a great start.
One thing that can seriously fuck with your mental is malnutrition too, in case your diet is like this constantly. Do you know when it started? Anything making you actively miserable? Do you have the resources (funds, kitchen) to cook? Any unmet needs perhaps (social for example).
>>42497624
How comfortable would you be seeking out IRL places? Is it feasible for you? Think cons, places where people might gather relevant to your interests. Does your town have perhaps lgbt friendly places if you wanna look for lebutts as well? All of this kinda hinges on how urban/rural your environment is, but just to get it out of the way early. Are there also any interests you would like to learn more about, perhaps? Could you imagine places near you related to those?
>>42501801
>How do I get out of my toxic relationship with dating lesbians as a straight man?
Hold on, could you elaborate on that? Do you mean you are in a toxic relationship with two lesbians that are dating, or..?
>>42507983
Happy to!

would it be okay for me to buff prog 200mg twice for the next 2 weeks considering i neglected it for 2-3y on hrt and I'm sleeping 18h a day for mental health and surgery recovery (physically im basically already 100%)
what's the constraint here? im still on daily bica and hrt pills, but I want to start cutting off (my balls) all the medicine soon so my liver doesnt fail on me, if its a nutrition thing i can prioritize getting as much of whatever is saturating prog in my system as possible

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>>42516968
>How comfortable would you be seeking out IRL places? Is it feasible for you? Think cons, places where people might gather relevant to your interests.
doesn't really exist here and the thought terrifies me, im already pretty anxious to leave my home let alone throwing myself out there like that
>Does your town have perhaps lgbt friendly places if you wanna look for lebutts as well?
maybe? i honestly havent looked into LGBT stuff here
>Are there also any interests you would like to learn more about, perhaps?
i dont think so, really doesnt help that my interests tend to gravitate towards indoors activities

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Okay, I need a break. Ever since I started clocking in and out of my time on /sig/ to get a better feel for my "work" hours I have performed slightly less than a 5 hour week. And I can see how my general well being improves again because of the time I spend here (more energy to spare). Overall, satisfied. See you in February!
>>42502140
I agree, you should stick to it. Depression is a fucked up thing that takes our motivation to do the things that make us less depressed, you are doing good not to give up. Instead, you probably need more things on top of it to help you out of your current state.
>i just needed the thoughts out i guess.
I know you don't expect me to reply, but if you read this: I see you struggling. And I see you (>>42502650) pushing through anyway. It is something to be proud of, fighting these feelings. BECAUSE it is difficult, not in spite of it. If the lighting affects you you should absolutely get yourself checked for vit D, it might unironically be a major factor.
>blogpost over i feel a little better now. i love you best gen. keep your heads up nonnies
And your post is appreciated, and frankly inspiring. I wish you nothing but the best, Anon.
>>42507634
>Thanks OP I did this and I froze into a big cube
As shit, are you in one of those areas where it's <-10°C right now?
>>42508409
Sounds like you had a good time! Perhaps there is a nice way to slightly subvert your low self esteem by putting making the other person feel good in the foreground? As in: you made someone else feel good, too. That's a positive, and something worth dwelling on.

>>42496114
I couldn't quit for multiple days in a row, I only stopped for one day at a time, but it turns out whenever I avoid behaving like a porn addict I feel better and less anxious even if it's just for a day
as for the schedule idea idk, on one hand sure why not, on the other hand it feels very wrong to have "porn days"
in other news I'm about to download and read that other book you suggested to me the last time

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Help me help myself. Anyone. Please.

Im trapped in a shitty relationship that ive been in for years now i have tried to leave multiple times but keep.coming back. My lease on my apartment ends in 2 months and agter that I live with them. I do NOT want this. Their an alcoholic. They have punished me with belligerent drinking and beating whenever I do something they dont like or try to talk about the issue anonymously online. They've raped me several times, my safe word literally gets ignored.

I dont want to continue in this but its like... I have to write down the shot that happens to me or I end up blocking it out or convicng myself it wasnt that bad or it was deserved. I write hidden notes to myself hidden in projects. They discovered them so many times and reacted with rage every time and severe drinking. I want out but I feel like I cant leave. Im terrified of what they'll do. They will spam call me, maybe show up at my house, threaten suicide im scared.

Im terrified.

I dream of my single life again, even if I was lonely. Desperately lonely. And severely anxious. I wanna go back.

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Today is the night my youth ends. It was a terrible ride and it almost killed me, but I am now an adult. I am in control of myself.

>>42517247
>beating
>rape
Maybe it's time to involve the authorities or at least an IRL counselor or something? This isn't something you should take anonymous strangers' advice on. Well, apart from the one I gave you, obviously.

Bump

>>42518365
Happy Birthday?

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>>42507557
I hope you all are doing okay.

I need to rest a bit but I'm feeling a tiny bit more hopeful and determined for some reason.

Best of luck.

Hi it’s been a while since I posted here I havent been doing well for a while. During December- January my dad left to visit his parents and he left me to take care of the dogs. I hated being responsible for them so much I don’t want anything to do with them. I was hitting when I got angry with them and it was happening a lot. I wanted to calm down but I couldn’t stand them they have behavioral issues. I didn’t know I had so much anger in me. I don’t feel much anger towards them because my dad is here now to feed them. I don’t want to take care of them or even bond with then, but I don’t know what to do. I find sites that says to love the dog but I don’t really feel anything towards them. I can’t really rehome them because they are my dad’s. My brain feels like it’s failing and I relapsed to porn addiction I almost a made an onlyfans account again. I don’t know what to do with these dogs because I’m not ready for dogs and I am more of a cat person.

Spent today doing laundry, reading up on some of the papers provided to me, and cleaning up actual dog shit in the backyard. This is, quite frankly, the most energy I've had in months, but I also didn't feel the best. Oh well, I'll keep on trucking. Maybe I need a routine in place? Tomorrow I'll do a little more work and maybe I'll go somewhere to have fun as a reward. I want to go drink at a bar and unwind, but I've obligations the day after.

>>42516694
>Hope you don't get stuck with that one fucker
Got a group without the troublemaker, but I'm nervous. I basically just approached the first group that needed people. I tried to strike up some friendly conversation to build rapport and meet the people I'm working with. Didn't get much, but I guess I learned a little about one of them. The others just sort of ran off after the class ended. I'll have time in the coming months to get to know them better.
>What you need is a bit of, let's call it after care.
Aftercare requires sex, though. Okay, terrible jokes aside, what do you propose for this mind reading, post-event rumination "aftercare"?

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hello again. i've been doing quite bad - missed out on a gym session because i hanged out with friends, got into a couple spirals, one about the meaning of death and why am i not running around killing people, and another about how bad of a teacher i am because i had to teach a full class of 4th graders who didn't listen, and in addition to that i'm mildly sick and yearning for a romantic and sexual relationship. on the upside i found out that caffeine makes my mood better and gives me enough energy to get through the day, but there's still way too little time in the day to do everything i'd want. this all reflected on my ability to eat properly, exercise properly and take care of myself properly. i think i'll do another gym session today, just training cycling endurance, hopefully fixing my winter beater bicycle, and hopefully eating well and meeting new peeps i found on tagmap. i'll have to postpone my french and my drawing and my games for a little later. i hope you manage to get something done today too, everyone!

i am closing the laptop

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>>42513076
day 1 update of whatever this is. been taking 2x200mg prog suppositories in the morning and at night since the day I posted this so 4? 5? in total. I took another one earlier and will probably lay low until tomorrow, and I'm planning on making it last until I get home at which point I can maybe consider 2x100mg.
yesterday night I just let myself do a ton of agp shit, partially because fetish, lingerie and all that aligned closely enough with my goals (sensory isolation & comfort, building good thoughts about transitioning and hiding trauma away in my mind), right now I just have a nightgown, which I can probably wear as sleepwear whenever, it's pretty conservative, a sm choker, which is very soft and hides my massive adams apple and again lets me be super comfortable and hide myself in a comfort space next to the bathroom, blindfolds, varying levels of intimate underwear, a targeted vibrator I've been using for nerve training which I'll probably be able to use for my surgery recovery once I'm feeling better, probably a bunch of other stuff that escapes my mind even though I technically only bought like 4 items from the local sex shop.
right now I'm just barely getting dissociated enough to go about my day, but I'm absolutely having a panic attack and want to wear dysphoria clothing for a couple hours while I hide somewhere dark and quiet. I thought I'd be able to get started socializing today, but I think that might be too much after all, my parents will visit in an hour or two and I just need time to decompress. ill ask them to bring my all black oversized dysphoria hoodie from home by then.
maybe later I'll give a more concise summary of what I'm feeling like as well as next steps, I think if I don't let my panic attack settle and get out of this nightgown I'll end up ctb even though literally no one would care at all about seeing me like this in my private domicile.

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>>42523529
started putting on some over clothes, hiding in bed again. still having a panic attack but its getting slightly better and might pass when i get my hands on more dysphoria clothing even if its the basics i have laying around
my life has been a blur since wednesday so i have no idea where i documented this but the reason im able to afford going schizo this week and the next is because i gambled it all on black and locked myself out of my account, now i have some unrealised pnl to play around with so that takes a lot off my mind

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>>42523678
i actually managed to fuck up and long 20x instead of closing the position so ill be market liquidity for today thanks for playing lmao if anyone who is not a complete new retard at futures knows how to lower my risk id appreciate the help

>>42513238
Going to read some Bell Hooks, had to get a bandage off this morning that I'd left a little too long and freaked out a lot.
>>42516502
Afaik opengate has bica (maybe cypro, I can't check rn), and they ship to the US. No idea about getting it prescribed though, because I'm British, we can't get it prescribed here either but DIY or DIEeeee it is.
>>42517247
>They've raped me several times, my safe word literally gets ignored.
I understand that in these situations, the brain tends to go a bit squiffy, but I'd seriously say you need to get out regardless of the consequences for them.
Which I'd suspect means you need a support network, time away from them etc, idk if you have a job or not, but that's a place to start, just finding a few people you can actually trust to have you covered.
These things you're afraid of happening are things you'll have to find ways to prevent, which will probably mean blocking numbers, restraining orders, etc. Because the main thing you'll need is secured distance from your abuser (which, to be clear, this is abuse you're experiencing).

bump

so eepy

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>>42523529
>>42523678
>>42523778
i got nothing done today. my mother probably saw some agp bullshit and was prepared to shout at me and even being dissociated it affected my motivation entirely, ended up daytrading and working all day when i already dont need the money. idk why but my airbnb is locked from the outside and i cant exit. im so paranoid about being watched and heard i ended up locking myself in the bathroom lights off and am typing this in fetal position on the floor. i cant even cry. idk when ill be able to be vulnerable again but im so scared about how ill release all this pent up trauma. i need therapy so soon.

>>42523791
Yeah I know its abuse. Its just so hard to leave.. its like.. I know i need to. I know i have to but its paralyzing to even think about. Plus, to make it all worse, we have a kid. I am legally entitled to 50/50 custody since but im terrified to leave my baby with the.

night

>>42529113
Nighty night, sleep tight.

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>>42497624
>Okay so you're on a timer but it's not super short term at least. What things do you want to do at least before going back?
Basic list for now:
>Complete my course and find online gigs for it
>Improve my networking
>Create a 3 to 5 year plan
>Make and save money
>Share my course knowledge and help my siblings get into the same industry
>Become indpenendant and above my vices
>Make sure I can afford to live on my own in the future
That's all I can mention for now.

>Try giving explicit examples of when and how you get distracted
One is example is when I am busy studying, my frustrations will lead to me gravitating to online music to decompress but it leads to a lot of web surfing.
This applies to things I need to do for my life in general too, like job seeking and organizing things.

>Take your time, I gotta pace myself too after all
Thank you, I will do my best.

spiraled for a year or two and now im back and im trying

>>42530978
I'm proud of you.

>>42512885
>>42512854
>>42523529
>>42523678
>>42523778
>>42527384
This is totally incoherent. I have no idea what the fuck you are trying to say.
Stop gambling. Stop spending $10000 a month. Start taking your BPD medications.

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>>42531348
let me cook. its incoherent because all my meds are still slowly kicking in and i have like 18+ hours a day to work on this because of polyphasic sleep, trying to fit 18y of my life into this one week so I can get home and work on things more slowly. ik im crazy rn, i already updated my psychiatrist hours ago and scheduled an early consult tomorrow, and ill probably get hire a DBT professional for home while here too
>>42527384
i got a lot done today after I finally stopped trading, I think I started figuring out sensitivity training considering I managed to go from no feeling in my surgery areas and basically entire body (absolutely dead everything except genital) to mostly full sensition in my face and being a bit overwhelmed in the body to the point where rn i feel like i need to wear at least 4 layers just to be comfortable moving around in like 3? 4 days? definitely need to consider a bra now.
probably not worth going as hard into it as im doing but if anyone is interested, variety and frequency is your best friend, coupled with rest. duration, texture, frequency, temperature, probably a dozen others are variables you can and should control. I think I realize now why people sometimes say that piercings are 50/50 in kickstarting your sensitivity, if you just do a stimulus ONCE and let your body get used to it, then everything else will feel dull, meanwhile if you even slightly continue to work on things it will just continue to improve.
prog is also absolutely not a meme and i regret taking so long to get on it, besides almost immediately rounding out my chest and giving me a new layer of conetits on top, its doing so much more that its hard to separate it from everything else.
I think if I was this motivated when I started hrt I might actually consider prog basically immediately as I start, and just be ridiculously conservative (once a month?) about taking it until you get to 2x 100mg by end of year one, not sure about the science tho

>>42531682
also i sure wish all this was just my paranoia. every time my mom comes to visit it feels like she introduces some massive restriction on my life.
as an example im literally locked in my airbnb from the outside since the start of the day, can't get out at all. i mostly stopped going out and socializing which i was doing before because they literally mentioned things ive been doing that ive explicitly told people involved to keep secret about.
i think you just literally dont understand what its like to be raised in a conservative mini town with a multi generation popular family (grandgranny came to town during its founding after being born in italy, grandma was a city first gen and won multiple state awards in beauty contests as well as having coauthored a book on the city history, her kids are a) nationally succesful business owners b) local politician tier such as my mom which has decades of educator experience and now coordinates major events for our state, like our version of the SAT, starting with my great granny which was mega abusive and did shit like killing and feeding my grandmas pet pig to her in front of her eyes, i can literally map out and find examples of every mental illness i feel reflected in me across every member of this short slice of my family tree, and then i just have it maxed out because no privacy. funnily enough everyone of my siblings has ONE aspect of my mental illnesses to the extreme, first one to leave my grandma (we were all raised in that same household) is bipolar and caused her dad to go to jail by not shutting up, second one to leave has hyperfixation on a specific topic but adhd overall, third one to leave physically abused me for decades and taught me self harm from an early age and is now bpd histrionic, and ofc me as the very last one to go.
the next generation is even more fucked, grandma legal'ed her way into stealing my cousins kids and shes already gotten multiple stds by 12 /rant

>>42531801
i dont even know where i meant to close that parenthesis anyways i really need to rest up a bit lmao im mega brainfogged

anyways its probably best to wait for my progress pics to make your own judgement. i have a decent amount of befores but i havent taken a single pic since i underwent surgery. idk if ill manage to actually visibly change that much so fast, especially since my body was *fine* after 3 years hrt and my face is mostly just different due to the 2 leforts. if I make progress pics anytime soon it's most likely not going to be raw body / face picks, just makeup / fashion progress

It's past 5 AM and I have to get up for work at 9 loooooooooool fml
I do this like every week btw

Ohhh... I have a cold... sigging can be paused

pspsps

>>42532769
I'm gonna try to work out anyway today since it's not too bad of a cold

>>42535638
Please be safe.

>>42537204
I gave up because I'm too tired lol

Stupid vent post inbound.
My body is so fucking gross, 70kg at 5'7 is disgusting. I need to lose like 10kg just to feel human, but then I'll be able to see exactly how T destroyed my face and bone structure.
And I'm stuck inside all week, so I can't do anything about it, and I'm just stuck sitting around as a burden. I wanna peel my face off.

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>>42537967
>My body is so fucking gross
>And I'm stuck inside all week, so I can't do anything about it
I know that feel, big time.

Starting a weight loss journey is one thing, getting through today is another.

If you want to do something proactive today concerning weight loss, why not look for exercises or healthy recipes online? If you can’t start today, plan for the day you start.

But there are a ton of exercises you can do indoors if you have a little elbow room.

But if you don’t want to exercise, I would suggest an activity like cleaning or organizing your space, or watching a movie or reading a book you’ve been meaning to get around to. Also, make sure you’ve recently brushed your hair, teeth, put on clean clothes, that kind of thing.

Just find something constructive to do to ride out the cabin fever, because it definitely sounds like you’ve got more free time than you know what to do with right now. That can lead to meaningful introspection, but it can also cause crashouts. Cultivate some inner peace, if only for your own sake.

>>42538578
I mean I lost 30kg from when I first posted here like 2+ years ago but it's still not enough.
It doesn't really matter I'm on surgery recovery so I'm genuinely not allowed to exercise, I cant go outside because I look awful + cant really do self care and I'm just kind of screaming into the void because the dysphoria is really very bad currently.

I'll clean my room tomorrow though, it's not a bad idea but trying introspection is just not a good idea for me currently, I self analyse a lot and have never found myself particularly redeemable or likable. Basically being stuck in my own head too long is never positive for my MH

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>>42539457
>I mean I lost 30kg from when I first posted here like 2+ years ago but it's still not enough
>I'm on surgery recovery so I'm genuinely not allowed to exercise

I do apologize for chiming in without having the whole story.

I’m a good year into losing weight myself. Be proud of the progress you’ve made. The fact that you aren’t done doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

If you need to rest because you’re recovering from surgery, I suggest you find something to read or watch, or a game to play (when you don’t feel like sleeping). Invest your attention in something other than the stuff you’re thinking about. But I feel like I tried too hard to offer advice when you probably needed more of a sympathetic ear. I’m sorry about that. Sometimes we all just need to feel our feelings.

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>>42516679
>a middle ground or alternative to dropping out
Eh, I think it's for the best. I only went back to school because I didn't really know what else to do. I still don't. Maybe I'll just work a nothingburger job when I need money. Housing & food are provided. Insurance is the biggest factor right now, but I still have a good cushion. Maybe I should just take it one day at a time. I spend way too much time worrying about problems that haven't even materialized yet.
>oral ones later on especially for many.
Hmm, I've had oral exams before. Not in STEM, mind you. I tend to do better on those than on written exams. It doesn't really matter now.
>I don't know if I am in the right decade to even pursue academia
Hmm. You know, I think I've been pretty open about the fact that I don't know much about physics. I do know a thing or two about the biographies of great men, however. Do you know when Einstein began developing his theory of special relativity? He was working a boring job at a patent office at the time. He started it in his free time. His boring job left him with with a lot of mental energy – he was not drained at the end of the day. I'm sure that someone with your education and ability is capable of contributing something truly great and original. But it requires time and energy. And it seems like your current arrangement provides neither.
Sorry if I'm being awfully blunt here. It's really none of my business. And you know best, of course.
>your thirst for knowledge would make you an excellent Quereinsteiger
Man, I am the eternal Quereinsteiger. I wish I were some kind of autist who deeply cares about one specific subject. I'm just not. I'm a generalist, a philosopher at heart. A mile wide, an inch deep. It does make the career stuff hard to deal with.
>I am looking forward to playing woolhaven when I have more time again!
I only bought the base game a couple of days ago. I'm not much of a gamer usually, but Cult of the Lamb caught my eye.

I used to be able to cut and now i'm lucid enough for it to hurt too much so I think i'm doing better.

>>42540166
Don't cut, please.

Update:
>Sister started college
>Her college seems to be more trouble than it is worth, downright scammy and egotistical
>I HATE my home country, seriously
>Dad will visit in a month or so, this family drama is gonna boil over I can feel it
>None of this drama is necessary, it's just been years of petty spite and adult temper tantrums
>Maybe I can teach my sister the same course I am currently learning as a backup, along with my other sibling
>Money is getting tighter, need to find online work fast
>Will complete finale test on Friday, need at least 40℅ or so to pass, aiming for 90 or at least 80℅
>Want to do a second free course on Accounting, that might be a good field for heavy cash
>My head is scrambled but I am determined

>>42496114
>Glad to hear, and also glad you keep us posted!
I will do my best to do so.
This week will have many updates from me.

>>42496114
giga late with my reply but i feel like i'm unworthy of love because i'm just there in people's lives i serve no purpose. i just exist and interact when talked to, nothing more than a background noise. even with my friend group rn, everyone has some form of dynamic amongst themselves but for me i just speak when spoken to, or i have something to bring up in any ongoing conversation before defaulting back to silence. even when it's me and someone alone, we just sit in silence for the most part because there's nothing to actually talk about. i lack personality.

as for life updates, entered gym again disgusted by my body again and i will be trying to fix stuff actively this time. i was about to enter the shower and almost threw up seeing this disgusting thing for my body. i think i've been avoiding seeing myself to the point where just getting a glimpse of me feels disgusting. idk i will survive we ball. as always goobers love you all <3 sending hugs and kisses for all ⊂((・▽・))⊃

i want love

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I hate work

page nine

i am going to close the browser, and start executing my chores

the grossness of hangover certainly hits different while on e

>>42546628
what are the differences like?

>>42547427
it's yuckier, possibly because emotions.. and hydration problems

>>42539722
>I do apologize for chiming in without having the whole story.
It's alg, I don't expect people to like magically know things lol.
I bought a copy of "the will to change" (Bell Hooks) that I'm going to have a read through, and I've folded the clothing pile I've had lying around for months. Although I'm mostly just doomscrolling.
I'm just going through it mentally. I've cried a lot in the last week. It's good advice, and that is kind of the point of /sig/ imo.

>>42548314
why arent u busy working for ice

>>42546488
good

>>42548399
Why would I work for ICE, I'm not a fascist and I'm not American.

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I need to go back to sleep again.

Will be up in a few hours, then it's back to studying for my finale test on Friday for my course.

Then, I can take a break and have a serious chat with my mother on Saturday.
Then I will make another plan of action for life and work.

Then I wanna catch up on some hobbies so I can decompress from it all.
I miss being able to experience stuff without mental baggage.

Goodnight.
Take care, be safe and best of luck to you all.

>>42507557
How can I go back to snorting ritalin instead of snuff?

>>42532769
I am growing stronger

p8

>>42552668
Very nervous bun.

>>42553956
bravo

schizo bpd anon here feeling a lot less schizo i healed a couple bridges i burned but still things wont exactly be the same
leaving to get some measurement tapes, tired of doing nsfw shit since its served its purpose rn im trying to do as much other work as i can while not making transitioning a chore, also trying to research and schedule professional help when im home, not just therapist but surgeries too

p9
updates
i tink tomorrow.

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Hi /sig/! Panty here. I made this stir fry with tofu, zucchini and red bell pepper in a mango sauce.

I finally had a first session with a new therapist yesterday. This was just an intake, where I was acquainting my new therapist with my history and needs, but it went well and I felt good about this new therapist.

I ordered some cloth napkins and more handkerchiefs, just to use less single use paper products and have something softer and nicer to use.

I got my wig head and stand, and put that black and red wig I mentioned having onto it. I need to get a wig comb and brush next.

I think that’s enough new stuff for now. Let’s all keep moving forward, /sig/mas.

>>42561334
Looks yummy.

Nighty night, love you guys.

>>42556366
With very good reason to be so.

>>42557839
I almost feel not-sick at this point
Maybe tomorrow I'll be so back

the catalog was positively flooded with crap yesterday, did something happen?

>>42507557
How do I get consistent routines?
I'm not just talking about routinely doing skincare and exercising, I'm also talking about just making time to do hobbies
I get home from work at around 6 and then time seems to blur

I have narcissism but I believe the solution is to make myself as great as my delusions are instead of moderating my delusions.

Thoughts?

page9

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>>42566160
Delusions aren’t rational. If you try to live up to them, sooner or later you’ll need to back up something that isn’t possible. For example, you could build a successful business, and then decide it sounds better if you did it in three years when it actually took you five. You could even cook up a creative reason for counting it differently, but a lot of people are just going to interpret that as you just lying, and lose respect for you.

And if you decide you never get hungover, you could get a hangover and just suffer through it all while needing everyone to believe you’re fine.

If you’ve been diagnosed with narcissism, I can imagine what you’re being told about how to take care of yourself sounds like settling for less. But you don’t need to be guided by your worst impulses to lead a satisfying life. And I’m sure it would be easier than trying to make good on whatever your narcissism wants to be true.

>>42560958
Thank you, is much appreciated.

pg7

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Goodness gracious it's been a few days. Good news: life is normalizing and soon I will hopefully have more time for sig again. No bad news.
>>42512854
>>42513076
>>42523529
>>42523678
>>42527384
Heya Anon. First of all, welcome! I won't reply to everything if it's okay, it is clear that you were sharing a lot of things in a stream of consciousness manner. Doesn't mean I didn't read it, of course. But please tell me if you want me to address something specific I didn't. I might also not catch up with all your posts tonight. Fair warning.
>anyways rate my budget
You list fashion, care and room setup as running costs, and entertainment costs are quite high. How come?
>im really just willing to use up all my savings on this since i feel like I can win them back
On the one hand I understand, but on the other I worry that that kind of pace might lead to health complications or a risk of less desirable results. Please talk to the respective surgeons, this is quite a pace you are suggesting. Though of course if it's like minor stuff like orchi I can immediately imagine that being easy to do rapid fire.
>I want to do gender affirming agp bullshit
That sounds all good! And it sounds like you are doing your best to cope and.. you sound in parts horrendously overstimulated. Not the self care "agp" stuff, things like parents visiting, and unpleasant social encounters. I hope therapy will do you well, and in the cards for you soon.
>maybe later I'll give a more concise summary of what I'm feeling
I think, as word vomity as others have described it, you are doing great not letting inhibition get the best of you.

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>>42512282
>a combination of things that I don't want to much less have the resources to search for.
Absolutely, now is not the time to look for a replacement for him.
>any of them would be settling for less
Nah, it's fine. I get it.
>perhaps it's good that the field is dying, they sure deserve it.
Ah, that kind of field. Fuck 'em. So there is nobody from it that you know that would be worth talking to, or at least useful to talk to for inspiration? I assume not everyone you studied with stayed in academia.
>finely sculpted facade or my autism
There are people you only communicate with for political reasons; be it for your career, to not have trouble with neighbors, or because you have other business with them. Everyone masks around those sorts, I believe. On some level. Being genuine is exhausting even for NTs, at least from my limited perspective. Point is, you need to make the other kind of connection, the meaningful one where you do not mask, where you risk that people reject and resent you. There are many cruel truths to this: even if he was there, if had only him for years, the relationship would have suffered immensely from it. You need many sources of soul food, a richer, more varied diet. It doesn't have to be many close friends. But you will need a few.
>>42516469
I mean, if you are in a safe position to do so, why the hell not. I know I could never, myself, having been overweight for half my life I am happy with my masc features now that I am mostly normal weight. If you wind up feeling more comfortable in your skin with it than without it, then fuck labels and keep going. All the best, Anon.
>>42517053
I am far from an expert on this subject but must drugs, HRT included, are dosed such that your blood levels form a sawtooth pattern. More is not necessarily better. I would definitely get a second opinion from >>>/lgbt/hrtgen since this is sadly not at all my field of expertise.
>>42513238
Awesome, welcome back Navy. I wish you a rapid recovery.

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>>42517112
>doesn't really exist here and the thought terrifies me,
That is perfectly fair, and don't worry, the whole point of this talk is not to have you go from shut-in to stage diver. It is trying to find something for you that is just scary enough to feel like an achievement to have done while being a positive and safe experience.
We can also look into online stuff, but there you will have to accept a lot of people will just ghost you early on for ZERO fault of your own.
>maybe? i honestly havent looked into LGBT stuff here
I would like you to try and look into it, if you can. Perhaps you can find something online, even.
> my interests tend to gravitate towards indoors activities
There are extremely sociable ones of the indoor variety, TTRPGs, board games, multiplayer games, media of all sorts.. I'd love to hear specifics. Remember, there's also cons, and meetups, and stores where people with particular interests may be regulars.
>>42517179
I would like you to think of relapses as something other than fail states, right now. You are learning to run a marathon. You are doing endurance training. Don't think of holding it in as a success story interrupted by failures, but as measures of your current endurance. I would say give it a chance and see how it shakes out. If you can do 1 day marathons with ease, you can try one 2 day a week. Of course you aren't obligated to fap the next day if you feel like you can push it, but I would rather have you see that as a lap past the finish line, you get me?
>in other news I'm about to download and read that other book you suggested to me the last time
Looking forward to your opinion on it!
>>42518365
Congrats, Anon! What will you do with it, what's your game plan?

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>>42517247
>>42527872
What you describe, sadly, is all too common feelings to have in a situation like this. The question is not at all whether to leave, you know you gotta, for the kid too. It is about the means. Friends, family, old contacts? Help lines, too. Involving the government can backfire, and people have very strong opinions not only depending on the country but sometimes depending on the particular region that I don't dare make sweeping generalizations there. But I need to ask you: what favors could you cash in? They won't be able to pull shit like you describe with witnesses around.
>>42523055
>Maybe I need a routine in place?
Generally a good idea, yes. It can serve as a backbone for other things, because doing things habitually takes way less mental energy. It sounds like you are already approaching things sensibly though, your thought process is very healthy.
>I basically just approached the first group that needed people.
Perfect.
>Didn't get much, but I guess I learned a little about one of them.
It is normal to feel like an alien for a good while. That would be no different in a situation like yours no matter whether you wind up just remaining acquaintances or finding family for life in some of these people. It's part of the process, you're doing great.
>what do you propose for this mind reading, post-event rumination "aftercare"?
One thing I personally like to do is having a meta conversation where you flat out ask how they found particular things. I don't think it's bad to admit anxieties of that sort. It's a human, vulnerable side. Not everyone has the mental energy to reassure frequently. But you can and should get feedback from others about things that worry you. Nobody should expect you to intuit their inner world.

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Alright, had to postpone posting queued up posts because of some tech hiccup but I did a fair bit tonight. Gotta call it quits. More soon.
>>42522895
I could fill a book with the number of times I heard of parents trying to make their inability to keep pets their adult kids' problem.
>I don’t know what to do.
Let me ask first: what are the chances of you getting your own place, medium term? Because, ultimately, I don't think there is much of a point trying to accommodate your father more than strictly necessary.

>>42552897
Anyone?

>>42571637
Sorry nobody else has replied yet. I don’t think you should go back to snorting Ritalin, but I think it would help you to think about why you want to. Tease out the underlying motive. There might be a healthier way to satisfy it.

>>42571458
>>42571476
despite all my schizoing out ive basically gone back to "oh well its hopeless might as well just distract myself from being a tranny" mode again lol
if i could just no life my transition for 3 months and be able to pass itd be a different thing but thinking that I MAYBE get a shot at being a clocky tranny in 2 more years after basically wasting the last 23 cuz of dysphoria and taking hrt in secret just makes me want to give up

>>42565822
Yeah I'm thinking I'm back

I love you all, goodnight.

ey! p10!

pg9

>>42572258
I don't think so. I want to be a legal form of crackwhore

Pg9
Extremely dysphoric today. Hopefully the rest of sig is better

What is it called when you are more or less loved by someone even platonically and it’s you who started things but now you arent interested
Am i schizoid
Or maybe Im just a weirdo
I just take care of people
But I can’t love them

I feel like I'm getting like religious psychosis or something because I do not remotely believe in a higher power or anything, and I don't go to church (never have really), but whenever I end up getting upset, crying, etc., Isaiah 6 ends up resonating around in my skull.
Like it's clearly not rational to think on some level that my ability to transition came from some biblical deal to always stick my neck out, to always take the risk or speak out and to try as best as I can to be selfless and self-sacrificing.

But when I think about all the people out there who'd think of me as less than dirt, as worthy of imprisonment, killing, etc., for being trans and try to find a reason as to why I feel compelled to want better for any of them (or really anyone on terf island), that's the only answer I pull up.

It's got to be internalised transphobia or something, but I still feel like being trans is some moral flaw I have to try and make up for.

Things lately have been stirring my brain.

This cold needs to GO it's impeding my sigging

>>42585439
And I mean temperature cold not sickness cold

>>42582493
no, its whats pumped into you off the bat, the "good" book says it in there for you to protect the temple of "god" and it is to imply the temple is your body, its why JW dont do the whole surgeries thing, Its ingrained in you for dumb reasons, ldk about other terf's but im not wishing ill will, but i do get pissed off out of my mind at twink behavior in a trans person, because allegedly, thats not what you're supposed to be. But that whole ass book is ass backwards, have you ever actually just sat down and read it?? Its like that one joke, how do you make a believer? you make them read the bible, How do you make an atheist? make them read the bible.

I don't want to live like this anymore.

>>42585630
I'm aware the book is like one giant joke and wildly inconsistent, which is why it bothers me that I can't get it out of my head. Bothers me even more since, while I've not read the whole thing back to back, I have read sections, and I don't believe in some higher power (as I said, it feels more like religious psychosis than anything).
I don't do twink behaviour, but like the stereotypical catty HSTS doll behaviour also annoys me.
>but im not wishing ill will
I have many thoughts on terfism, which wasn't really what I was trying to get at. I just said "terf island" to point to the societal vibe in the UK, but this is just what I wish I could convey to terfs from my actual experience:
I have a neighbour who is lesbian, I grew up living next to her; she's known me since I was born. I am now terrified to even speak to her because I fear what her thoughts of me will be knowing I am trans. Bearing in mind my neighbourhood, all had a terf leaflet stuck through our doors about a week ago from a group that labels all of us (trans women) as perverts, fetishists, etc.
I have crippling shame every time I have to tell someone I'm trans because even though I'm none of the previously mentioned things, I know that's what's automatically assumed about me (and thus, why I feel morally flawed for being trans), and I know that in the UK, that image is created mainly by terfs.

Like (since this is 4chan and we're being brutally frank), I understand the issues around spaces, I get it, I think if a trans person (especially early transition) is weirdly obsessed with getting into a women's bathroom, that's a bit suspect. But I also think it's deeply cruel to force medically transitioned at age 15, completely passing trans women to out themselves whenever they go to a bathroom, especially when they're vulnerable. It just seems to be that no one wants to apply a common sense middleground on that point

>>42521996
Is that A big rabbit or are you just small

page 9

Playing Hamtaro - Ham Ham Heartbreak for the GBA is a valid coping mechanism

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>>42586131

i dont think everyone is capable of good change
i dont think i wanna change deep down
ill just
live my less than mediocre life and die miserable and content in my own misery

>>42590698
That sounds fun.

pg8
my head hurts a lot

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>>42587832
>Is that A big rabbit or are you just small
Haha, funnily enough that's not me in the image, just found it online.

Can't say how tall the person is, but I am pretty sure they are holding a Flemish Giant.
It's a breed that can get bigger than chihuahuas, in some cases.

>>42591485
i believe you can change
because i want to change for the better too

boop of life

p9

I will continue to take it easy for another 3 hours I think

what are some activities a neet can do to pass the time? im tired of being bored and aimless

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>>42598943
The world is your oyster, the real question is whether you want to engage in active/productive or passive activities.

>>42598943
Hike, workout (at home or gym if you can afford it), read (idk what the cost of libraries is around you), cycle (if you have a bike), etc.
Most of what you can do for free is just going outside desu.

>>42598943
creative hobbies are very rewarding and you can pretty much do them indefinitely. languages are also cool

>>42598972
>the real question is whether you want to engage in active/productive or passive activities.
right now i'm at the point where i'll take anything that my body and mind allow me to do
>>42599009
>>42599323
thank you very much

page nine

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Alright. There is no sugarcoating that I am a week behind in posts. I will try to catch up to last Wed posts today, at least clearing Mo-Tue posts. More to follow the coming days. I needed some rest. Some posts will be out of order for the sake of collation/character limit but if I overlook anyone, do ping me.
>>42523211
I get those feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness when one isn't physically well to begin with, and low energy to boot. I hope you managed to get a gym sesh or two in since we last talked! It sounds like you are giving yourself some grace and try to adapt your pace to your current limits, I'm doing the same presently. I know how frustrating it can be, but we are all trying to be good to ourselves, and I find that is worthy of praise.
>and hopefully eating well and meeting new peeps i found on tagmap.
If you do meet up I'd love to hear of your experiences!
>>42530829
>>42542017
Heya bunon!
>the list
So far so good! Now, looking through the thread you clearly are working on parts of it. Keep that list, and do reach out if you feel stuck on any particular item.
>my frustrations will lead to me gravitating to online music to decompress but it leads to a lot of web surfing.
Let's be real you do need some distraction, too. The core issue then, I think, is that your breaks are open ended. If you were to bake interruptions at regular intervals into them, account for them properly, and put an upper limit on how much emotionally exhausting labor you will perform in a day, it would likely lead to a lot less procrastination. Example: "no soul crushing past 5PM. Regular 30 min breaks." I made up the numbers but you get it.
>Her college seems to be more trouble than it is worth, downright scammy and egotistical
That is deeply concerning, like a degree mill? Sweet of you to consider helping her.
>years of petty spite and adult temper tantrums
Way too common, sadly..
>Will complete finale test on Friday
Maybe I missed the post but I hope it went well!

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>>42530978
>spiraled for a year or two and now im back and im trying
Welcome back, Anon! I am glad you're back in the saddle, remember that you can reach out when you feel overwhelmed or hopeless. You don't have to rawdog any situation life throws at you all alone.
>>42531947
Oh Christ, I've been there. Do you also feel that it comes from an emotional need to get back time you lost? That was what kept me doing it.
>>42531682
>>42531801
>42531682 (link removed cause spam filters)
>>42572272
Let me say you are doing great expressing yourself, all things considered. I know I am a bit slow to respond, but I will try to weave your reply into it as well while I am at it.
>oh well its hopeless might as well just distract myself from being a tranny
You are overwhelmed, that much is clear. But let me pre-empt that giving up does not have to be a permanent decision. I want you to take a few days where you focus on nothing but rest and self care to the best of your ability and then come back with a fresh pair of eyes. I understand how dooming looking back can be. But maybe think of it this way: if you had realized at 50 that you wasted 46 years repping and had been magically given the chance to try again at age 23, you would take it. Just as you would right now if you could rewind to age 12, right? Maybe a cope, but I let you be the judge.
>i already updated my psychiatrist hours ago and scheduled an early consult tomorrow,
>and ill probably get hire a DBT professional for home while here too
I hope you got around to do that, it would help you I think. The sensitivity training bit was an interesting read, by the way. Where did you get that from?
>i think you just literally dont understand what its like to be raised in a conservative mini town with a multi generation popular family
The levels of generational trauma bullshit you describe are absolutely hellish, by the way, Jesus Christ.

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>>42540166
That is major progress Anon, 100%. How are things generally? Is there something you would like to talk about/somewhere you feel stuck?
>>42531839
I think I missed the context of that post, does it relate to the posts above yours?
>>42540057
>Maybe I should just take it one day at a time.
>I spend way too much time worrying about problems that haven't even materialized yet.
That is probably for the best right now, yes. It is a good idea to have long term projects but even those should only determine the direction of the small, daily steps, not the size they are.
>Einstein
Oh yes, I know the story. Another great example is the guy who got the Nobel prize for developing the first functioning blue LED.
>I'm sure that someone with your education and ability is capable of contributing something truly great and original
>And it seems like your current arrangement provides neither.
I deeply appreciate your words, and you may have a point, yes. I will see where I go from here.
>It does make the career stuff hard to deal with.
It does, and sadly there is no one-size-fits-all solution for that because the hiring process replaced employers looking for capable people with HR Karens testing your ability to play Simon says with your credentials. People like you would have a much easier time finding a place socially (talking to prospective employers who know what they are looking for, not managers and middle men). It is all so frustrating. But now I am more in rambling than advice giving mode, I feel. Though maybe these thoughts might inspire you in their own way, who knows..
>I'm not much of a gamer usually, but Cult of the Lamb caught my eye.
Do tell me what you think of it, if you feel like it.
>>42543173
And you feel it's out of reach? Many here struggle with isolation, I'm afraid. It sucks how difficult it can be.
>>42543961
What kinda job do you have?

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>>42542693
No need to fuss, as you can see it took me ages to respond, too!
>i serve no purpose.
We all need to be needed.
>everyone has some form of dynamic amongst themselves
You want some inspiration what to claim for yourself, then.
You say you lack personality. What are your interests? What kind of things do you like making? Do you cook, for example? Ever considered inviting someone over to cook with you? Perhaps organize a game night?
>getting a glimpse of me feels disgusting.
Body image stuff is hard at the best of times. I am glad you are trying to power through and do things you can. I am rooting for you!
>>42546488
I am so, so glad some people use this thread like this. I think it is a great approach and I hope it serves you well!
>>42552897
Heya Anon, sorry it took so long to respond. Tell me about your circumstances, how you got into it to begin with, how it affects you. Only through understanding your circumstances and goals better can I try help you.
>>42558662
>things wont exactly be the same
A scary thing at the best of times, but I am happy you are doing what you can. It's good that you are doing your best to lay a sustainable groundwork for yourself not just for social things but transitioning as well! I wish you nothing but the very best.
>>42561334
Ohh, do you use jarred mango sauce or do you make it from scratch? I sometimes crave something mangoey but have no recipe for it. Glad the appointment was not of the dis- variety.

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Alright, I need a break.
>>42565935
Definitely check out some of our habituation stuff we should have in the resources, in general I would say two key concepts that will help you with forming habits are designing triggers and lowering friction. Let me explain.
>triggers
Habits are usually tied to something that makes you do them on autopilot, that is their whole appeal, that you don't have to force yourself. A trigger can be anything you perceive: a timer set to off, a time of day, a day of the week, a sound, walking into a particular room. For example, if you have a routine for what to do as you come home, you can immediately tie doing something you want to do during your free time to it. Make up "traditions" for yourself. Attach rituals to things you do anyway. For example, I tied applying minoxidil to brushing my teeth.
>friction
Establishing and keeping a habit going both require low enough friction. Example: if you go to the gym every Tuesday, that habit will be hurt if there is a hail storm that day and you can't go. That is unavoidable friction. If you want to read a few pages of a book every day before sleep because you keep your book in a bookshelf several rooms removed from your bedroom, that is an avoidable source of friction. Put the book on the night stand. Keep your jogging clothes and running shoes as a neat, tidy parcel where you need them, not tucked away in the closet.
>>42566160
To add what has already been said, we do have some NPD resources that might help you cope, two youtube channels in particular.
>>42568902
It's hard at times, but.. frankly I am shocked how much I managed to post already tonight.
(Well, I am writing all these in a queue file ahead of time so they show up as a massive block but you get the idea).
>>42572588
Glad you recovered, Anon!
>>42580450
Recovering from a very stressful January, things are looking up!

>>42586131
same

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>>42602461
>What kinda job do you have?
I take apart old/used/returned/broken electronics for recycling. I feel robbed of my time and energy.

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>>42602477
>Ohh, do you use jarred mango sauce or do you make it from scratch?
I accidentally bought some frozen mango chunks a few months ago and so I’m using them up for this.

For this mango sauce I used
2 cups of mango chunks
Juice of 1 lime
1 tbsp onions sauce
1 tbsp maple syrup
1 tsp minced garlic

It turned out a bit milder than I wanted so I think I’ll buy some sweet chili sauce and use that instead of maple syrup and sriracha. But that aside, definitely a great recipe.

I coated the tofu in salt, pepper and corn starch and cooked it in some oil, then added chunks of red bell pepper and zucchini. I was also thinking making coconut rice to go with it next time.

I need to start shopping for new clothes. I need something for when I feel like dressing up.

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I legitamately can't see a reason to live. I'm not sad and depressed and feeling bad. I just legitamately cannot see a reason to live. Not being alive would be better. There is nothing about life to like. Nobody cares about other people. There's literally nothing.

I found a psychiatrist who specializes in bipolar disorder (I have bipolar 2) and I've been on the cocktail she recommended for some months now. Specifically on lamotrigine and brexpiprazole. Aside from my dysphoria, I feel relatively normal. I feel good in a healthy way (not in a manic way). I didn't realize that this is how non-mentally ill people feel. I spent many years being treated for unipolar depression and antidepressants did fuck all but make me agitated and restless. Took a bad manic episode for the treatment regimen to change.

I think I'm making good progress on my goals this year in a sustainable fashion:
>Working on weight loss now that I'm not depressed as shit and spending all of my time in bed. Progress is slow but I was able to see a dietician and start getting some light exercise.
>Paying off the debt I racked up while manic, about 12 months out from being done with it.
>Finishing my master's, one course to go and I graduate in May.
>Been talking with a therapist about gender identity, putting my feelings into words for the first time. I've known how I feel for a very long time but I've never talked to anyone about it.
>Might have an opportunity to try starting HRT soon.

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>>42604088

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Minor update for now.
This week I will be breaking down my situation more, thanks to my studies being concluded.

Good:
>Completed my studies, my course in teaching english
>Managed to buy a decent stock of groceries for us
>Will be receiving training for my english teaching side hustle, from here I can help my siblings do the same

Bad or Awkward:
>Money is tight all over
>Situation is still rough between my mother, my father and external drama
>Future prospects seem bleak considering none of us having our plans of action lead to sustainable income
>My father coming home in March will no doubt cause drama, the breakdown of our family only got worse in 2025 and it is a concern because of how destructive spite can be
>(many more issues to follow in the next few posts)
Changing these things will be a long process but I have to stay persistant.
I won't give up.

>>42602433
>Heya bunon!
Hello, Siganon, it's great to hear from you again!

>So far so good! Now, looking through the thread you clearly are working on parts of it. Keep that list, and do reach out if you feel stuck on any particular item
I will, I am keeping a concrete list of things from now on.
Being aware and consistent has helped me focus and fix things.

>Let's be real you do need some distraction, too. The core issue then, I think, is that your breaks are open ended
Yes, exactly, I'm not precise enough.

>If you were to bake interruptions at regular intervals into them, account for them properly, and put an upper limit on how much emotionally exhausting labor you will perform in a day, it would likely lead to a lot less procrastination
>Example: "no soul crushing past 5PM. Regular 30 min breaks." I made up the numbers but you get it
I understand the reasoning.

Do you have any advice when it comes to dealing with familial drama?
Or, how to be better at socializing and dealing with conflict properly?

>>42604580
hopelessness doesn't comfort me anymore

>>42605942
Would you like to talk about why you feel like there’s no point in continuing to live? Or do you want to keep it general and discuss why anyone would want to stay alive?

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>>42571476
>So there is nobody from it that you know that would be worth talking to
Nobody I know or care to get to know, I don't think I will step inside anything related to my field ever again.
>Being genuine is exhausting
Being genuine is exhausting? Perhaps it is because of my autism, but a deep connection where my entire self is laid bare was scary but also the best and most free I ever felt.
>the meaningful one where you do not mask
I have tried, I have shown bits of myself without them realizing and they are all morons, they are friends but none of them are people I connect with in a deeper level
>even if he was there, if had only him for years, the relationship would have suffered immensely from it
I have others. I'm not isolated, just not in a deeper connection which I desperately needed to attach me to this world, a world that has done nothing but take everything I tried to make in the past years.
A situation that has deteriorated further still, all career prospects I had are thoroughly dead and looking for a new one would take either more education or a lot of commitment, none of which I want or care to do. My few friendships have become even more tasteless, drink smoke joke repeat, it is the same thing over and over again and I'm sick of it. And of course, him, things have deteriorated further, I have been patient and I haven't been pressuring him but for whatever reason he has grown apart from me, I'm lucky to get 20 minutes of his time for meaningless conversation. Honestly I don't know what I did so wrong to have ruined everything like this, I have been there for everything I could and I did everything I could. I don't want to live like this, I'm tired, I managed to get a gun, ammunition should arrive this week, I'm not going to subject myself to more of this and everything else I don't talk about to anyone.

Okay, this is a bit weird and has sort of made me anxious. One of the girls in my group project made a big fuss about the project materials. I thought perhaps she wanted them for some purpose. I told her if she wanted it she could have them, but she couldn't really describe what it was she wanted. Though we haven't talked much (she hasn't sat next to me) she did seem oddly chipper to see me a few times.
Eventually, we're in lab getting some odds and ends done and the question comes up of who is going to take our materials home. I volunteer, and then she walks out after saying bye to everyone but me. I walk out shortly after her, having expected her to be gone, but suddenly she is by my side and asking me if I have class after. I am just being friendly back, so I ask her the same. She then says I can drop off the supplies with her anytime in the middle of the day, just shoot her a message. At first I found the behavior odd, because if she wanted them, she could have volunteered herself to take them, yet she only seems to care when I'm involved. In the back of my mind I had two thoughts: either she really fucking wants them because she doesn't trust me, or she is trying to contrive a scenario where we meet outside of class, alone.
The latter I find odd. You have to understand, I'm not exactly conventionally attractive. Yes, I try to take care of myself, but my hair has become quite long in recent months and often times does not cooperate. I dress boring: think sweaters, dress shirts, and polos. I'm an unremarkable and nerdy homo. The last time I had people of the opposite sex give me any attention in real life was when I was kid/teenager. People I have told this story to in greater detail seem to think she might be into me, but I dunno. I just think she's being friendly, at best.

>>42571494
>an alien for a good while
Yep, I'm just going to show up and be friendly.

p10
:/

>>42607849
Cute kitty :3

>>42602433
>Way too common, sadly..
I can get into that more soon but I will say that it is a constant factor in whether or not things will change in life.

>Maybe I missed the post but I hope it went well!
Thank you, it went very well.
I will be able to pursue a new way to make money on the side from tomorrow onward.
My career in IT or software is very hard to get going, no luck so far.

>>42602931
Sounds rough, any ideas for future jobs?

im scared all of my long term friends secretly hate me for transitioning even though theyve been supportive. i cant stop isolating myself away from them and the thoughts that they hate me still havent stopped

>>42604571
I'm glad you found a psychiatrist who can help.

>>42606355
Nta but I stay alive because I know that even my death is pointless.

Despite everything, I want to be good and worthwhile.

>>42613734
that's a good goal really...
most people don't deserve other people being anything but good i mean...

>>42614301
I want what I've done and been given to mean something, even if it just means making enough money to help people I care about.

I don't wanna live like a coward anymore but I know I am not strong enough yet to be truly good.

I need, I want to be better.

>>42602433
>That is deeply concerning, like a degree mill? Sweet of you to consider helping her
It might be, if I can try to explain:
>Having my sister read one version of the entry documents
>On the day of her official sign in, she is shown a completely different document
>They pressure her into signing it
>Stating that they can't be held liable for anything they end up signing even if they never knew about it before
>All of this under duress and pressure
>Times and dates are set up so that there is very little free time or room for rest
>Lecturers clearly geared towards being harsh for no good reason because of bullshit perfection culture
>It's a beauty school but come on, that doesn't excuse anything

I hate this fucking country and it's bullshit, my family will not fucking stay here another 10 years if I can help it.

Fuck academia and it's focus on greed and spite.
This whole place is dripping in spite.

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>>42611760
>Sounds rough
Objectively speaking it's not that bad, aside from the occasional wrist pain. Also every now and then I get to take apart something interesting, like an x-ray detector or audio/aerospace/industrial equipment and controllers.
I'm just not built for the wagie grind in general.
>any ideas for future jobs?
I don't want any job really, ideally I'd find something I can make money off of without working for someone else. I've been thinking of doing that with game dev but, as it stands currently, after work I don't have the motivation or energy to write more than 2 lines of code a day if anything.

>>42616217
What are you currently working on as an aspiring game dev?

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>>42616249
I've been thinking of making a tower defense game. I barely got started on it yet though.

I only have to lose 108lbs until my real life begins

All news lately has been so grim that I've entered a zen state where I accept that nothing matters

page 9
>>42617937
same but 97 lbs

pg9

p9!

I have to convince myself that getting a job isn't a big deal

Want to try estrogen for a bit to see if its for me, I already have a feminine face but want to go further
But
>im 31

>>42619893
>>42617937
Im on the downtrend as well, but what are you basing your weight goals on? Im trying to do more physical training and focus less on my numbers but I have no idea what an ideal weight even is when I am 6'0

>>42625956
Same here.

>>42489974
I don't know where you are in the world, but I've seen and felt plenty of bad things, may as well be telling a south african to trust the niggers, kind and cooperative is gambling and people hate trannies. at the minimum, i fully believe the dollar is going to be dead by the end of this decade, im scared for my parents who believe they are going to get their share of the social security ponzi scheme .

>>42516709
i dont really care about social detrans, i dont fit in regardless, and im happy to avoid homophobic scrutiny, and manning up, since i fail that. +already gotten expert at not looking at face in mirror. but the hormones do concern me as my dysphoria brainworms have intensified, feels like hips getting wider, walking funny
I learn by doing. doing, i havent done much of. today i finish packing, majority of my stuff to stay in storage at my mothers place, some electronics with my dads. to look at it its not very much in volume that i own but there is sentimentality imbued just by being in my sphere. much of hoarder/prepper "just in case" spirit had to go.
i have a roll of thin leather and a pack of fabric pens i didn't do anything with because i was afraid to fuck it up. arts and crafts are scary in a way, but in the end it doesnt matter anymore because going unused, they are wasted, even worse than failure. it's a poverty mindset that my parents frugality has raised me with, it should not matter to me so much if i waste a shirt or a piece of leather. im going to try and use them in the next week before we leave. its a mindset that has held me back a lot from pursuing hobbies, the fear of failure and wastage of materials. hating to see something go to waste, i held onto a partially functional item for two years hoping someone would buy the parts. tragic to know it will go to a landfill.

im glad for the recent discord news, cuz maybe /soc/ will become better? but they were all normies in the first place it sucks. few good people to associate with, i think the real problem is that im boring and also fucke in the head >>42626141. thats why drift apart
>Have you considered living with your boyfriend for a few months, for start?
He's been existing with me. we get along fine, hope it stays the same and it'll be more lively once we get on the road living a real life instead of playing games , although one problem we discoverd, im a light sleepr and hes even an even lighter sleeper, the car makes us sleep on top of each other, not great

>>42628534
>living a real life
This is your "real life" you're living right now, don't wait to make this realisation on your death bed.

>>42626415
>what are you basing your weight goals on?
for me (>>42626415) it's vibes
it also happens to be around 20 BMI for me

>>42571501
No not really at the moment, soon I am going to update my resume and start job searching I had a burst of insipiration for my project. However, I don’t know what to do my project because it’s in the fangame territory, but i’m not going for a game just basically a slideshow in the games style I guess. I never ever realized but I have to look up laws of what to be careful like I am not going to profit off of it, but I don’t know the rules for if I pay a VA or comission for art pieces. The things I know is to keep hush hush about it because getting a Cease and Desist before I even start would be heartbreaking. I wish I could calm down around the dogs or even have feelings for them but I can’t. They are big dogs a german shepherd and a doberman they are little right now but they don’t stop jumping on me which scares me a bit because they can knock me down. It’s been two years since my dog died and due to how much trauma I had back when it’s getting tougher to remember him at times I feel like it never happened and none of it was real. I wish my head wasn’t like that it’s annoying because I don’t want to lose the memories of my best friend. I don’t know what to do it’s just too much what happened to me.

>>42626415
I'm also 6ft and aiming for 145lbs

I've been isolated for years in a kinda toxic loveless relationship but I want to try and get my life back together this year stop smoking so much weed leave and start actually transitioning, i started years ago and hrt alone did a decent job to make me pass but I kinda stopped trying to be a woman and to advance my transition as i became more and more of a shut in i wanna try and become an actual adult woman this year I need to stop being like this

I need more sleep.

>>42631924
yeah me too

>>42604571
me again, going to namefag itt to post updates, not that anyone cares but i might want to check the archive in the future

>confirmed my insurance will cover my HRT appointments and prescriptions, did some baseline bloodwork and everything is normal
>got a flexible side gig that pays $40/hr to help pay down my debt faster and pay for medications and other quality of life things
>scheduled a consult for laser in March, starting with facial hair, i'm a good candidate because i have pale skin and dark, coarse hair
>getting tested for sleep apnea because it runs in the family and i have some of the warning signs
>successfully navigating my last master's course, doing my homework and studying and such in a timely manner
>doing a good job of developing working relationships with my psychiatrist and therapist, taking the silly pills as prescribed
>found out my employer offers free coaching in addition to therapy and psychiatry, meeting with a coach this weekend for accountability on my goals
>diet and exercise is going well (i'm also taking wegovy so the weight is/will be dropping quick)

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Hi. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to tackle this problem? I tend to have these mood swings that really suck. Most of the time I'm feeling more or less okay. Usually I can find some energy to do things. Cook, exercise, work, do some creative stuff, read, etc. Every two, maybe three days I get into this extreme gloom. When it happens I often quickly develop a headache, can't focus on anything, I feel exhausted, depressive, melancholic. I can fight through it but it takes a lot of energy, focus, some luck and later I feel all washed out so most often I just succumb to it.
It's affecting my life and loved ones strongly. I noticed that it usually happens if I have a rough day at work (yes, I have those often). Now what makes it worse: an hour or two after this feeling comes I tend to get all upset about it. I start blaming my work, my friends and get into this obsessive thing where I plan how to quit my job, run away, sell all my stuff, move to a different country, etc. People around me really hate it and obviously I don't actually want to run away. My situation is rather okay and I doubt I can get a job that still feels okay after the first year or so.
I would like to be able to stop this feeling when it comes or fix it at the source but so far nothing I tried really helped.

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>>42634526
My advice would be to see a psychiatrist. There are a few diagnosable conditions that could cause something like this. A diagnosis could help because at minimum, it would give you more specific information about what you’re experiencing and how to manage it, and would also allow you to try any medications that could help.

I’m autistic and I got diagnosed as an adult. When I experienced sensory overwhelm or burnout before getting diagnosed, it would make me tired and irritable but I wouldn’t know why, and I would often believe I just hated something about where I was, who I was with or what I was doing, even though that conclusion didn’t quite add up.

>>42634526
Ok, I forgot to contribute a bit so maybe here's what I tried and my thoughts if anyone struggles with this behaviour:
> therapy
In the long-term it tends to be very beneficial if you run into a good therapist. These people however can usually only help if you have a well-defined problem. It also costs a lot so I don't see it as a viable solution.
> hobby, sport
Personally, I didn't have any luck battling this with hobbies or sport. It's just pushing through the feeling but I'm constantly distracted by it, can't get into flow and if the headache gets too strong pushing myself feels like sh. Exercise is more effective about the distraction part but I almost never exercise for more than an hour so it's very short-term.
> meditation
Hit-and-miss. Every now and then it helps a lot but most often the malaise just stays and overwhelms me.
> nap
I dont nap often. When I do I feel really icky after I wake up. It does help however.
> work
Oh boy this one does the trick short-term but really sucks later. I can distract myself by working overtime which kind of helps but this heavily contributes to burn out. I take it out on my coworkers, friends. I feel exhausted later, sickly, etc. I'd recommend to not even try this.
>>42634736
Huh. Well, I might try that. I really hate pills (dislike doctors too) but you're right: I might just take the diagnosis/consultation and go somewhere else.
>>42630616
It's okay nona. Adult life is hard. For me what helped with weed and being a shut-in was I tried to paint a mental picture where I was in life vs where I'd like to be. Or in your case what "an actual adult woman" really means to you. This is probably a long process.

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Alrighty, tonight is going to be only a few posts, including some replies I missed.
>>42582144
Well I can't diagnose you but we can talk about how you feel about them, if at all. Try describe it.
>>42602931
No wonder that's draining. Seeing what you told the other Anon, I do think I get what you mean. Very much on the "work to live" end of the spectrum, I wager. I don't think there is any worthwhile career advice me of all people should give but I would like to know if you feel like you get enough rest in your free time. Or does work leave you too drained to pursue things you find fulfilling? Your game dev project seems to point to that.
>>42603610
I see, yes I think i can make that work! I might use some habanero powder I have lying around for spice, thanks for the inspiration. Speaking of food, I bought a red kuri squash again the other day and look forward to making something with it.
>>42604088
>Nobody cares about other people. There's literally nothing.
It seems that what makes you feel this way is tied to lived experiences, either in recent times (who could blame you) or in general. I would like to take a step back because the fact you bring up people sounds like you WOULD see a reason if particular things were different. Would you mind trying to articulate them? Want me to elaborate first on what I mean perhaps?
>>42604811
So English teaching it is! Awesome, honestly, I didn't know.
>Being aware and consistent has helped me focus and fix things.
It's a universally helpful thing, even I get lost and helpless without organizing.
>I understand the reasoning.
I hope it serves you well.
>dealing with familial drama
Ohhh it depends. The biggest issue is that you can't make up for other people's lack of diplomacy. Is there any friction between parties where one can be reasoned with?
Or are you thinking of something like de-escalating a conflict as a mediator? This is.. hairy, and something I only ever winged.
I am glad to hear the test went well, by the way!

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>>42604571
>>42633643
I'm glad to hear that you've been put on a working treatment!
This is all beautiful progress, a1hp0s! It sounds like things are going great right now, I wish you nothing but the very best. I do think using the place to journal your progress a little is a lovely thing.
>>42607849
Pardon the late reply.. I hope it finds you in time.
>Being genuine is exhausting?
Hmm.. maybe I misspoke. What i mean is, being vulnerable around people, stangers especially, can be difficult. We wanna protect ourselves and that can cause a lot of friction to the point we find it easier to mask. Even the NT do variations of it. Exhausting was the wrong words in retrospect, because being genuine is the better, more natural and healthier state of being. I think you get what I mean now?
>a deep connection where my entire self is laid bare was scary but also the best and most free I ever felt.
I cannot promise that you will feel this way instantly with others soon. But I can assure you that you can have more of this feeling, with more people even.
>they are all morons
What tipped the scales, if it is okay to ask? And yes, not every acquaintance will make a great friend, and cutting your losses early DOES help there.
>I have others. I'm not isolated, just not in a deeper connection which I desperately needed to attach me to this world
That is what I am speaking of. Deep, genuine connections with more people. A romantic relationship is a very different beast and can't be replaced by a deep platonic relationship, I don't mean to imply that, but having BOTH is a game changer long term.
>all career prospects I had are thoroughly dead
Hm, what about adjacent fields? For example, a theoretical physicist can realistically apply to many areas that are completely unrelated to physics per se as long as numerical simulations for example are involved.
(1/2)

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Night.
>>42607849
(2/2)
As for your friends, what interests do you have you consider intellectually stimulating? It would likely be worth to look for people who are interested in things unrelated to mindless consumption.
>I haven't been pressuring him but for whatever reason he has grown apart from me
Does he know, even vaguely, how you feel? Have you communicated that you feel you are drifting apart?
>I'm tired, I managed to get a gun, ammunition should arrive this week
I understand that you are desperate, and I hope we can continue talking before you make any permanent decisions. You're a bright mind. You would not be here if you didn't want someone to talk to, to listen. I want to do the best I can to crowbar new options into existence for you.
>>42584441
Wanna talk about it?
>>42592306
I do enjoy the game still, though of course nostalgia is part of it.
>>42607960
What a peculiar approach she has taken, I agree. A bit bizarre in my book.
The #1 rule in these things is to remind yourself that what is and isn't attractive is for a prospective partner to decide, with all the good and ill that brings. If you want to, just ask her if she wants to hang out sometime, see how she reacts. What kinda materials are we talking about anyway?
>I'm just going to show up and be friendly.
Perfect!
>>42612123
>i cant stop isolating myself away from them
Because isolating yourself is the exact opposite of what you need to do. Something in your mind is anxious about being hated, and you project that onto your peers. At no point do they get a say in what you think they are thinking, which means there is no way for them to correct you. It's what I usually refer to as mind reading; you need to talk about these feelings, and rely on what others say about their feelings. You will struggle to believe them perhaps, initially, but trust the process. Repeated reassurance will make it easier, isolation harder. Sometimes the scary parts are what helps most.

>>42634868
I kinda have an idea of where I'd like to be at, ideally I'd have a form of income of my own that allows me to save up for stuff a place to stay, some friends ig and i'd be doing other activities than staying in on the computer smoking weed all day

>>42635950
cute anime girl

my sleep is a mess

are there any skills or hobbies i can sort of casually learn while i'm around the house? i need something to do instead of just defaulting to doomscrolling and playing vidya. but i can't think of anything i want to do and i struggle to do things without reverting back to my phone.

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>>42539457
Indoor cardio equipment like steppers are a lifesaver when I’m too dysphoric to go outside.

>>42638158
Maybe take on cooking or reading, if you're looking for more easy going hobbies.

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>>42635950
>I don't think there is any worthwhile career advice me of all people should give
Why is that?
>if you feel like you get enough rest in your free time.
I feel like I don't, even though it's "only" a 30 hour a week job. Keep in mind I was a NEET for the better part of 4 years before this.
>Or does work leave you too drained to pursue things you find fulfilling? Your game dev project seems to point to that.
I'd say so, it's hard to put effort into anything, I'm lucky if I can muster the strength to do the dishes. At the same time it's easy to waste time playing video games, doomscrolling or plain bedrotting. The only productive thing I consistently do is going to the gym.
>>42638158
Like the other anon said cooking and baking are a good start and usually have an immediate payoff (tasty food) if you don't fuck it up horrendously (which you might do once or twice but after that you know how to avoid it). Reading is another great choice, so would be exercise.

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>>42635982
>If you want to, just ask her if she wants to hang out sometime, see how she reacts
Hmmm, I'd probably have to sit next to her in class, or something. How do I find an excuse to talk to her? She's usually talking with her friend, but she does seem to try to get my attention more than the other members. I'll have to make an effort to make it to class earlier than usual. Honestly, I don't care if she doesn't like me that way, I just think it would be great to have a new friend.
>What kind of materials?
Electronic components and other assemblies and spare parts for a robot. It's a competition against other people in our class, so it should be fun. I've been devising some methods to mess with sensors. I was thinking setting up a transducer of some sort driven by a microcontroller or circuit of some kind to blast ultrasonic waves at other bots in an attempt to confuse their ultrasonic sensor readings. I also thought about using a really bright light to render their cameras useless, generating adversarial stickers to make their AI models shit the bed, having a dedicated microcontroller to ping the other robot's hotspots constantly for denial of service, etc. Unfortunately attacks that could potentially cause physical damage are out of the question. I wanted to blast ultrasonic frequencies at devices to make them oscillate at their resonance frequencies, maybe generate EMI to interfere with devices. Alas, no fun allowed. Regardless, it's a fun excuse to use some of my electronics knowledge for our group's benefit. I'm no genius, though.

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>>42635965
>Pardon the late reply.. I hope it finds you in time.
I am keeping this thread open, for as long as I can at least, planning your own death and wanting to be thorough with it is at the very least tiring, I have figured out a way to start a countdown that would wipe most my digital presence and hard drives with no chance of being extracted or recovered later with recovery software. I tried it on my laptop and it worked well, nevertheless..
>feel this way instantly with others
And neither would I expect it to.
>with more people even
I don't want "more people", perhaps it's because I'm not neurotypical but would very much like to have my best friend be the person I also love with body and soul, circling back to calories they are the main course of life, others make it better but they are side dishes and too many of them would dull the main dish for me, and I'm not picky, I can have the same dish I love every day for my entire life and I would not grow unhappy, in a way I already do that with actual food, but again, I'm not a normal brain, I can't handle many social connections, what you suggest is not applicable.
>What tipped the scales
Might be general dissatisfaction with life, too much bitterness in my life and too little sweetness.
>Deep, genuine connections with more people
I feel you don't understand me.
>A romantic relationship is a very different beast and can't be replaced by a deep platonic relationship
I agree.
>but having BOTH is a game changer long term.
I simply don't see the world that way.
>what about adjacent fields?
Only in offices, a place I genuinely rather be exsanguinated though my eyes than go back into so I can deal with more men being condescending and trying to fuck me or with women treating me as a rival and/or trying to fuck me.

>>42635982
>for your friends, what interests do you have you consider intellectually stimulating?
Oh they arent intellectually stimulating at all, not that I dislike being with a bunch of apes, its fun. But again, empty although tasty calories.
>Does he know, even vaguely, how you feel?
He does, aside from the shooting-myself-plan, I'm not using my life as a bargain chip, but he knows me well enough to know I'm far from doing well. I have tried to work something out but most I can get is angst, and a general unwillingness to solve the situation. I might be autistic but I know when someone does not want to discuss further. Truth is he has made his choice and it wasn't me. I have to live with that and he will have to live with whatever I do too. I don't mean to sound like I'm planning this out of vengeance, I don't wish to do this to inflict pain, I just know it's a fact of life. Even if it is very unfortunate.
>Have you communicated that you feel you are drifting apart?
We went from interacting every day to him answering me once or twice a week, I think he is aware of it since he is the one pushing the piton in.
>understand that you are desperate
No, I'm tired. I'm tired of having to deal with people that are indecipherable and inconsistent.
>and I hope we can continue talking
Still a few days away before I get my shot (haha)
>You would not be here if you didn't want someone to talk to, to listen
Maybe, I really wish doing this would somehow fix things but I'm not as naive, perhaps it's just a way of making my peace.

>>42638099
Why's that?

how do I stop feeling weird/bad about desiring female friendship/companionship/mentorship? how do I deal with the privilege i have without like . uselessly flagellating myself or denying it and being a bad ally to people

i hate that women don't feel like i understand what they went through (and maybe I don't)

i wish i had had some help or guidance when i started transitioning, it's lonely to have done it all alone

p9

>>42641620
My schedule is a huge mess these days.

>>42644330
pg9 again

The no sleep headaches suck so bad.

>>42647822
Are you getting them after waking up? It could be a tension headache from having your neck positioned poorly, which might also be contributing to not sleeping well.

>>42616600
What do you have so far for it?

Any programming to simulate what you want or maybe a sketch of concept?

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>>42635950
>I bought a red kuri squash again the other day and look forward to making something with it
I was not familiar with this vegetable, but it sounds interesting!

Yesterday I roasted some pumpkin seeds and squash for a salad. Today I bought the ingredients to make sweet potato chili, more zuppa toscana, and a batch of breakfast burritos (because the soup and salad both have kale, and the soup and burritos both use potatoes).

I had been roasting sweet potatoes for my chili, and this time I’m going to try roasting whole tomatoes for the chili as well.

I did also order some Sheertex tights earlier this week on the fashion front.

>>42647940
I get them before and after sleep.

A lot of interrupted sleep cycles this week too.

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>>42647946
Not a whole lot, I tried forcing myself to write at least a line of code per day for a few days so I defined some classes and basic variables but nothing more. What I'd actually need to do to get started is work on a grid entity that will hold all the turrets and lets you drag and drop them in. Perhaps I'll do that this weekend.
>Any programming to simulate what you want or maybe a sketch of concept?
No, it's all in my head, and after I implement something I usually go by feel regarding making any tweaks. The one thing I definitely want to implement is a simple particle system similar to the one I used for a prototype I coded ~3 years ago, because I still think that one looked really good.

>>42648178
Do you cook daily? And is it the same/similar stuff every day or do you make an effort to try out new recipes often?

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>>42649000
I don’t cook every day. I make a smoothie in the morning most days, but otherwise I cook recipes that yield 4-6 servings and put most of that in the freezer.

I have several recipes on rotation, and I try new recipes from time to time. I also tend to gradually tweak recipes I’ve cooked more than once.

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>>42649224
I see. I rarely try cooking new things and stick to what I already know. What do you put in your smoothie?

>>42571484
>I would like you to try and look into it, if you can. Perhaps you can find something online, even.
i did, we dont have anything sadly
>>42571484
>We can also look into online stuff
i guess a slight update since this post, ive found a group of people to play classic wow with and its been a fun time
>>42571484
>TTRPGs
last time i played D&D was awful and its put me off from the game, ive heard that i just need to try again but its demoralizing

Pg8

page seven!

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>>42649274
If you’re looking for inspiration, there are tons of content creators who post instructional videos and recipes online. The amount of free recipes out there is incredible. Think about what styles of cooking you like, and chances are there are two or three people posting recipes like that on their own website.

Here’s my smoothie recipe

1 cup of frozen blueberries (this makes the smoothie cold without needing to add ice)
1 cup of frozen pineapple chunks warmed up in a microwave (I used to do a banana but I read that putting bananas in a smoothie can disrupt the absorption of other nutrients; pineapple is one of the fruits that doesn’t do this)
1 cup of almond milk
1 tbsp of peanut butter (dropped into the almond milk so it doesn’t stick to the blender as much)
1 tbsp of plain low fat yogurt

I also add a serving each of collagen powder and fiber powder. I started adding collagen powder to help my skin tighten as I lost weight. The fiber powder is just to make sure I get a more consistent amount of fiber, but adding it to a smoothie specifically can make the smoothie easier on your digestion.

Obviously there are a ton of other ways to make a smoothie, but this is what I do.

>>42652504
Also, I use almond milk and yogurt together so I’m getting a little bit of dairy in there but not too much, but I’m aware that this isn’t vegan

And if anybody thinks I could improve this recipe somehow feel free to say so. I’m just sharing something I’ve been doing that’s worked out okay for me so far.

fuck I fell alseep once i got home

>>42635950
>So English teaching it is! Awesome, honestly, I didn't know
Thank you.
I'm sending out my Resume to hopefully bring me closer to online work for the moment with online teaching.

Not to ask too much, but if you have any advice on it, I would appreciate it very much as I am still preparing myself for it mentally.

>It's a universally helpful thing, even I℅ get lost and helpless without organizing
Putting my thoughts on paper is helping me organize my past and my issues effectively.
I need to do so more frequently.

>I hope it serves you well
It gas, I've started implementing it so I will keep you updated on that as well.

I plan to have a small heart to heart with my mother this weekend again, I need clarity on some things in our lives so I can move on to try and fix what I can.

Pg10

>>42638224
I should consider getting one of these.

>>42635950
>Ohhh it depends. The biggest issue is that you can't make up for other people's lack of diplomacy
I know that all too well but I am making peace with it.

>Is there any friction between parties where one can be reasoned with?
Only one person the moment, my mother.
But I am trying to work out how I can reach the other side.

Do your want me to break down the situation more explicitly?

Perhaps a topic more suited gor another thread but i'm a tranny with kyphosis. Anyone dealt with this before? Any good exercises to recommend? I'm gonna do a lot of stretches, yoga, pull ups and core exercises but from what i've read it wont ever change the actual shape of it and can only slightly lessen the degree to which my posture plays into it.

>>42642467
forget it btw

God, I'm such a piece of shit.

I hate how far I've fallen from the path of humanity.

>>42642467
Where do you go to socialize?

>>42659831
I'm trying to figure out places to go, but currently I don't really socialise with new people much

pantyposter is so fucking cool

and i know, obv that's my problem and the problem is mostly in my head. it's just something that i avoid thinking about, and then because i dont acknowledge that it's lacking in my life im not motivated to try to meet people
but its also like i dont wanna force it, i try to mostly take care of my issues and insecurities myself. i just wish I could've had support all along I guess

>>42507557
to op / thread generally:
im doing better lately and im actually trying to work on a few skills. one is reading more and not having my brain made into mush by technology. another is trying to stick to a schedule and not get so caught up in what my brain wants : )

this week my brain has been on fire with different ideas but i didnt do much with them. and now i dont know even remember half the nonsense i was so completely absorbed in. kinda bothers me

>>42660423
i meant in response to this
>>42660219

bump

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Extremely bad dysphoria for the past 2 weeks, doesn't seem to be getting better, forced into working 5-day workweeks 8:30 to 5:30 (so waking up at 6am and getting home at 7pm) because my new job messed up their IT stuff and I'm flailing about generally.
I kind of want to just disconnect from the internet for a while but its sort of my only escape from my body currently.

>>42633643
today's wins
>made up 2 hours at work
>did all my chores (except folding laundry) before lunchtime
>did my free coaching session
>planned out my upcoming week

tomorrow i need to
>do homework
>fold laundry
>meal prep

>>42663135
Awesome, be proud of your efforts.

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Given it's the <3 day, I will treat you all to appropriately themed images. I doubt I will manage to post all today but we will see.
>>42615248
Is there anything in particular where you don't know how to proceed?
>>42615713
>Stating that they can't be held liable for anything they end up signing even if they never knew about it before
this is the kinda shit that I flat out would not only not sign but if you can spare the money for it directly hand over to a lawyer. Reeks of scam. I don't think such claims should hold any water legally, BUT that depends on the country, alas.
>>42618195
May I try give it a slightly different spin? The best thing you can do for yourself is not to try carry the burdens of all of society. If you can contribute anything to a community of your choosing, no matter how small, that is something that will do you much much better. Let things you can control matter to you.
>>42628527
Do keep hormones, dysphoria seems like antidepressants in the sense that "bad things got better" is a strong signal to NOT go off them.
>arts and crafts are scary in a way
The fear of the empty canvas probably adds to the frugality thing.I don't know if it will help but recontextualizing may help you: Remember that creative hobbies require training just like sports do. And ALL crafts require the consumption of materials to that end. Just like hand chalk is not wasted just because the climber didn't manage to finish the wall/course this time, a bit of leather is not wasted just because the product didn't reach your standards yet.
>>42628534
>im boring and also fucke in the head
Want a trick? You don't have to be interesting to catch people's interest. All you need is to make THEM feel interesting. Find things you like, things that intrigue you about their interests. Learn about them. Appreciate these things outwardly, explicitly.
>thats why drift apart
Wanna go into detail?
>He's been existing with me. we get along fine,
Very good!

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>>42625956
Walk me through the steps you need to take to get there from where you are, perhaps. It might do you some good laying it out for someone!
>>42626208
>31
No matter, go for it. Best case it saves you 60 more years of regret.
>>42629784
>No not really at the moment,
Ah, shit. Sorry to hear, Anon. Your project sounds cool, by the way. Do you plan to publish the final thing or something, or why do you seek legal advice? Just out of curiosity. As for the dogs: forget making friends with them. But I can try help you calm down around them, perhaps.
>they don’t stop jumping on me which scares me a bit because they can knock me down.
In other words your dad has no idea how to keep dogs because this kinda stuff is the hallmark of a know-nothing dog owner. You will feel much safer if you look into dog training a little, you can probably condition them to stay the fuck away with a few small tricks up your sleeve. I am sure there are even youtube training videos for this sorta stuff now, I remember dog whispering was a moderately successful genre of TV when I was a late teen (and stopped watching TV because it was mostly reality shows by then in Germany). Do you think that is realistic? Making you feel safer by handing you means to control them?
I am sorry to hear about remembering your old dog, by the way, trauma stuff is a mess like that, yeah.
>I don’t know what to do it’s just too much what happened to me.
It will get easier once you feel you are in a safe environment to process it all. Professional help and supportive people around you would go a long way there.
>>42634526
Grounding techniques can make a hell of a big difference but it is really really hard to do them in the moment. You might wanna consider looking into them though.
>>42637436
You can play her game if you like visual novels: https://www.katawa-shoujo.com

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>>42636307
Hm, do you feel particularly stuck in that regard? Like, what credentials do you have, what kinda job are you aiming for, do you know where to look for positions?
>>42640094
>Why is that?
My career was one in academia, which I am only now growing weary of. It means that while I had to face my own horrors I did not have a representative experience on the hiring front.
>I feel like I don't, even though it's "only" a 30 hour a week job.
There can be several factors we could tackle then. First and foremost it would be good to figure out how much is physical, because the physical WILL severely mess up your mental. That is to say: could it be that something about the way you spend your free time leaves you physically drained? Or does your work completely drain your stamina perhaps? These would point to poor sleep hygiene or lack of exercise. You're already going to the gym so if it was lack of stamina that would be something that would likely improve soon.
>At the same time it's easy to waste time playing video games, doomscrolling or plain bedrotting.
Hmm.. depression-y. Can I ask you to watch the video on misery from the resources? There are a couple pitfalls that can make your brain chem slip into depression for no apparent reason.
>>42640373
You don't need one, you can just say the truth that you two have been talking a good amount recently and if she wants to exchange contacts. If you must you can make it about the project, robotics is really cool and since you work together anyway I am sure there will be something to talk about! But at the end of the day you need to abolish the idea that you need to reason to talk to someone other than enjoying their company. In reality nobody wants to die alone, that is excuse enough.
>I just think it would be great to have a new friend.
And I encourage you to be honest and just say that she seems nice and that you'd like to get to know her better. Especially if she herself seems needlessly roundabout.

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>>42640749
>>42640808
Here's to hoping you're still alive, Anon..
>too many of them would dull the main dish for me
>what you suggest is not applicable.
I am not sure if this is a ND thing in and of itself, but I do urge you to not deny yourself meaningful friendships. But let me try to narrow the scope a great deal: I think it would be plenty to have one or two friends that you can have meaningful, enriching conversations with beside a romantic partner. Just to make sure: would you say having one or two people who aren't empty social calories would be too much? Because that would err almost into things related to labels I wouldn't be comfortable armchair diagnosing, but would be worth looking into.
>Might be general dissatisfaction with life, too much bitterness in my life and too little sweetness.
That is exactly something I wanna try mend, yes.
>I feel you don't understand me.
I want to, but I'm not necessarily successful just yet. I am saying that you lack those, like you said, everyone else is empty calories, and I see a very high correlation between that and the lack of sweetness in your life. Do you find the idea far fetched?
>I simply don't see the world that way.
I fully understand, but the way things affect us emotionally is not something we can always rationally anticipate. And it sounds like you have been deprived of those experiences. I understand your perspective too though: why bank on something that has, from your pov, always been immaterial? How could something you never missed play a role in this? Of course, my experience is informed that this is the kind of approach that often works even if the one affected does not (cannot) believe in it. However, that makes my position difficult, too. I often have to make very hard sells in these regards because sometimes the way out requires us to do things we have no reason to believe will work. It can make me seem ignorant of your own lived experience.
(1/2)

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More later or tomorrow.
>>42640749
>>42640808
(2/2)
Ah, I understand. Office politics and social climate..
>Oh they arent intellectually stimulating at all
You have no interests you find intriguing at all?
>We went from interacting every day to him answering me once or twice a week, I think he is aware of it since he is the one pushing the piton in.
I would strongly suggest voicing that, id you
>indecipherable and inconsistent.
I am sure that is something that adds to the exhaustion immensely doesn't it. That it seems like most people are, and I am just gonna try and describe what I have heard other NDs describe the experience as, playing a game with rules nobody explains, that constantly seem to change, yet being not only expected not to lose but actively punished for doing so, right?
>Maybe, I really wish doing this would somehow fix things but I'm not as naive
Many of my suggestions would change, improve things, of that I am convinced. How cruel would I be if I didn't believe in my own methods?
>>42642467
The first step will be to try and cast the true core of the issue into concrete terms.
>how do I stop feeling weird/bad about desiring female friendship/companionship/mentorship?
What makes you feel bad about it? Can you articulate the problems you have with it? Try comparing the standard you hold yourself to there with the way you would judge others. Are you being inconsistent, judging yourself more harshly?
>how do I deal with the privilege i have without like
What privilege specifically?
>i hate that women don't feel like i understand what they went through
In what way?
>i wish i had had some help or guidance when i started transitioning
Do you know other tranners by now?
>>42648178
It is a kind of squash with properties similar to sweet potato, culinarily. You can make fries out of it more or less, its puree is thick in the say mash is, and it keeps its shape well in stews and curries. The peel is edible. I recommend it! Pleasantly nutty flavor profile.

competitive games bring the worst out of me I'm a prisoner inside my head and this is what my sentence is I'm always better off doing other things but I keep ending up here because it's what I deserve I'm a subhuman and I belong inside this stupid made up limbo I'm too fucked to try and blend in with real people I tried over and over and every failure traumatizes me
I don't even want happiness just let me feel ok for more than a week without taking it away from me and making everything worse in this fucking infinite loop what a joke of an existence what is the point of this shit

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>>42665542
>>42665528
It is ironic that today is Valentine's day, my ammo arrived, it is weird holding something that will end my life. He again didn't reach out, nevertheless, I'm tired.

life is scary.

>>42666468
I’m autistic and I have a lot of experience with suicidal thoughts. I understand this feeling that life is not worth continuing, and being tired of disappointment and resolving to make sure you can’t ever be hurt again.

But the way I was looking at my situation was not the only way to look at it. It was a subjective, “glass half full, glass half empty” kind of thing. You can think of living as a chore you do for other people who don’t know and don’t care how hard it really is for you. Or you can think of it as an opportunity to be kind to yourself and be kind to others. We all die eventually. To be young and unhappy makes life seem like a burden, but it’s a finite resource. Just as it’s possible to suffer privately, it’s possible to experience private joy. I’ve gone on walks alone and seen beautiful things. What I saw wasn’t any less special because I witnessed it alone.

And if you dislike the cruelty and carelessness of this world, you can light a candle rather than curse the darkness.

It’s easy to argue that the world is a terrible place, that the place of people like us within it is especially bleak, and that we can’t do enough about it to justify even trying. But no amount of bad things happening can keep us from being kind to ourselves, and kind to others. And the cruel powerful people that made so many of these bad things happen are strengthened when we stay isolated, miserable and demoralized. They want us to give up because that makes their work easier.

I hope this helps.

>>42666468
rip another autist nona was reading her posts for a while feels bad I loved how she worded stuff she seemed to be so smart too man I fucking hate the guy for doing this to her wtf was his problem I fucking hate man seems more educated they are the worse they are too wtf

I have so much on my mind and so little time to do anything about it.

I'll post after some rest, I have much to explain.

p8

hello /sig/. it's getting worse. i have to write a bachelors thesis, go to the gym, and do some of my work that i didn't do yet, or at least clean my room, but instead i am overwhelmed by feeling like a failure. i failed everywhere and wronged everyone, including myself. some 6th graders drew a transphobic picture of me, and it reminds me that i look like shit and could've put more effort into caring for myself. yet i don't. i work 5 days a week, the new calorie surplus diet has been taking up the rest of my time and mental space, and on the weekend i usually cry. i know i should quit my job, because it's making me way too stressed, but i'd be throwing my colleagues and my students under the bus if i did so before the end of the year. if i eventually do quit, my hopes for another job where i can work 3-4 days a week and earn decent pay are next to none, and i won't be able to afford therapy. all this made me nihilistic, and all arguments against nihilism don't convince me.
i wrote a suicide note/will. the only thing keeping me alive is fear of death. today i plan to sit on the railing of a bridge and ponder death. if i jump, it should be guaranteed death, since the bridge crosses a river that's now frozen - the idea is that my body crushes a hole in the ice and the stream takes my body under the ice, unable to swim due to impact with the ice, where i die from lack of oxygen. most likely i will get scared and just sit there, when someone eventually calls an ambulance or whoever you call in that case. hopefully the fear of death will make me reconsider.
peace, sig. siganon, thanks for being here and sorry to take up your time.

p9

>>42663135
Did all my homework today but I'm giving myself permission to rest because I'm getting sick. I can live out of a laundry basket for a week.

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>>42652504
Oh I'm well aware of how and where to find recipes, it's just that there's a lot of inertia involved in trying out new things in general for me. Thank you though.
>I started adding collagen powder to help my skin tighten as I lost weigh
Does it actually work? How much do you take daily?

>>42665516
>My career was one in academia
>was
So what is it that you do now then?
>could it be that something about the way you spend your free time leaves you physically drained?
I don't think so. My only physical "hobby" is gymceling.
>Or does your work completely drain your stamina perhaps?
I feel like it might be mostly mental, me dreading having to work the next day.
>These would point to poor sleep hygiene or lack of exercise. You're already going to the gym so if it was lack of stamina that would be something that would likely improve soon.
I walk a chunk of the way to and from work so I get at least 8000 steps in daily even without the gym, it certainly is not a lack of exercise or stamina I believe. I'm losing weight and gaining muscle at the same time yet I do not feel any more energetic.
>Hmm.. depression-y.
That's my diagnosis, yes. Dysthymia to be precise.
>Can I ask you to watch the video on misery from the resources? There are a couple pitfalls that can make your brain chem slip into depression for no apparent reason.
I will, I suppose.
Cute pictures by the way.

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>>42675635
>Does collagen powder actually work? >How much do you take daily?
I think it helps, and I told a doctor I was seeing about HRT that I was taking collagen powder for this reason and he agreed that it could help.
I put 2 tablespoons into my smoothie, which is amount the nutritional label on the package says to take per day. I’ve been doing that most days for a little over a year now. My skin has also felt softer and clearer in general since I started taking collagen powder. There’s a good chance you’ll notice some kind of positive difference.

I know there’s a lot of hokum out there when you’re talking about supplements, but this isn’t like that as far as I can tell. I started doing this because someone else in /sig/ was worried about loose skin from weight loss and I found some regular-looking health websites recommending collagen powder for that, so I started doing it myself.

>>42602477
i like cooking, i bake occasion. i can crochet but i've had zero motivation to actually do anything. i've just been rotting lately.
body image issues at an all time high once again but we ball. hopefully things get better, i am trying to work on stuff but my brain isn't letting me. just a couple days i should be alright. i got this hopefully!? sorry idk if it answers any of the questions but my brain is just words rn. idk where i'm heading towards. i appreciate you and everyone on here.

a bit of a doomer update /sig/mas but as always ly all <3 sending hugs and kisses for all ⊂((・▽・))⊃

I didn't make it tonight
I am sorry
unwell

Gonna end up with a decent 4 hours of sleep but to hell with it.

I'll power through it all. I must.

i started ozempic and it's been nice

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My father decided to press me for information on my mother and her new relationship.

This was very stressful to navigate.
I am constantly being treated as if I am a backstabbing enemy, even though am the first person to try to mediate between people in this family and its drama.
We all need to get out of this house as soon as possible, I will not live like this in my 30s I swear.

At this rate, I don't believe I want to share a living space with him again.
I need this online teaching to pay off until I get back into IT and tech again.

The drama is endless and nobody is making enough money to weather the problems it brings.

>>42665493
>this is the kinda shit that I flat out would not only not sign but if you can spare the money for it directly hand over to a lawyer
I know someone in the family who could help with that, I'll have to ask them.

>Reeks of scam. I don't think such claimsvshould hold any water legally, BUT that depends on the country, alas
Very true, that is an unfortunately a practice that floats under the radar here a lot.

I need to get some legal advice for this, asap.
I can't let this become a problem for my sister.

Good night bump

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>>42666468
Its been 2 days since she posted this I think fenamon is dead. Shame we dont know anything about her to look for news. I saw picrel today on xitter and it reminder me exactly of her
>>42665542
>>42665528
maybe it will help siganon understand a bit of the hermentality of people like for the future? I wish I could have said something to her even if I dont know what i would have said, awful
>>42669423
second this how the hell do you fumble an autistic person

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>>42676594
>There’s a good chance you’ll notice some kind of positive difference.
I started taking it recently as well so I would hope so, thanks for telling me about your experience.
>I know there’s a lot of hokum out there when you’re talking about supplements
I browse /fit/ so I'm well aware of that, people there take all kinds of placebo tier nootropics or random research chemicals.

>almost 25
>ugly as fuck
>live with my conservative parents in Ohio
>no friends for the past 6 or 7 years
I just need to make more money so I can afford to move out. Then my real life can begin.

pg8

>>42683195
>Ohio
>6 or 7
LMAOOOOOOOOOO AAAAHAHAHAHAAHAH

>>42675448
Still sick, used some PTO so no work today. Did my telehealth therapy and dietician appointments and they were productive. Now I'm resting in bed.

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>>42649632
>i did, we dont have anything sadly
Damn. One last thing that almost always is worth considering is the nearest university city, but if that is several hours of commute then that's too big an ask rn. Yes, WoW groups are a great place to start I think. If you like them, I am sure one could organize stuff like watch parties and the like out of game, in time.
>D&D
>ive heard that i just need to try again but its demoralizing
Yeah these things scale MASSIVELY with the quality of the people you find. Pen and papers are definitely a good thing to try, if you are more into roleplay and lore (aka fluff) than mechanics and combat (crunch) then Word of Darkness is a reasonably popular franchsie but by golly have I never met people playing it in spite of that.
>>42655605
>42659206 (word filter fuckery)
>Not to ask too much, but if you have any advice on it
For online teaching? Been there, done that, but only taught students ages 17 and up. I have no software recommendation, and my advice depends on the size of the group as well as the age range. My methods work best for adults and groups of 3-15. 20-30 is where I personally start giving up on keeping everyone's attention. I would not make a good school teacher for that reason, I am up close and personal.
>Only one person the moment, my mother.
>I plan to have a small heart to heart with my mother this weekend again
Hope it goes well, in that case.
>Do your want me to break down the situation more explicitly?
Good idea honestly, if not for my sake then your own.
>>42659681
Sadly no specific ones. The closest thing I can offer is this: >>>/wsg/6094106
>>42678122
Would you like telling me more about it? I hear of that stuff every now and then but had no energy to do any research.

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>>42659777
>I hate how far I've fallen from the path of humanity.
What's up, Anon?
>>42660423
Hmm.. so you kinda push the thought aside and that kills your motivation?
>i just wish I could've had support all along I guess
Of course, that is the crux, the environment makes all the difference. I am glad you don't feel stuck, making progress on multiple fronts.
>and now i dont know even remember half the nonsense i was so completely absorbed in.
It might help you a great deal to journal then, put your ideas to paper when you have them, so you can revisit them later.
>>42661583
>I kind of want to just disconnect from the internet for a while but its sort of my only escape from my body currently.
Difficult choice to make. What about something soothing that isn't scrolling? Music, films, (audio)books..?
>>42666468
I hope you are still around, Anon. I would love to continue our conversation. I really, really do. I am sorry for being slow, I am sure time zones weren't helping either..
>>42665880
>I tried over and over and every failure traumatizes me
Can you tell me more about your experiences with people? I would love to help you connect with others.

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>>42671958
Heya, Anon!
>but instead i am overwhelmed by feeling like a failure.
I understand this feeling, it is a natural part of overwhelmed. Sorry to hear some kids were shitty to you.. you were the Anon teaching kids, right? I do recall us talking before. I know it is hard to feel it right now but you must acknowledge that you can't always have failed to be where you are. You have a job, you are working on yourself with the surplus diet, you are working on a degree. You are making progress.
>all this made me nihilistic, and all arguments against nihilism don't convince me.
That is because this is not a matter of rational thought, but of feeling. You are dooming because you feel trapped, exhausted, and overwhelmed. Your outlook will be different as things change.. as unempathetic as it sounds. I am grateful you trust the process enough to take our hand and talk to us in this general. And I hope you changed your mind, going there. I hope you are around. I hope you read this.
>peace, sig. siganon, thanks for being here and sorry to take up your time.
I'm here to listen, first and foremost. I'm here for people like you. though it seems I've been quite.. late, recently..
>>42675635
This year will be my final year in academia, I believe. What comes next I have not yet decided. Except that it will involve a vacation.
>I feel like it might be mostly mental, me dreading having to work the next day.
>Dysthymia to be precise.
Yeah, it seems physical concerns are out the window.
>I will, I suppose.
Much appreciated. It is very basic but a starting point: what I call "brain chemistry bullshit", things that are not apparent causes of depression but still cause it, in contrast to things one would be "depressed about", colloquially speaking.
>Cute pictures by the way.
Thank you! We deal with heavy things, least I can do is try add a splash of color for some levity, right?

>>42665516
I feel really stuck i guess, I have no credentials and i didn't finish high-school so really i'm aiming for any kind of job or form of income that can allow me to pay for a place but it seems like a herculean process since i'm so socially inept

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I must admit I am not doing well the past few days.
>>42676882
How does baking something for the peers you have been hanging out with sound? It would be a nice gesture. Or you could really hang out and have a cooking night, it's fun!
>>42682171
It is a deeply difficult thing, that. Because even as I understand the point that is made, it makes it extremely hard to help people bounce back from loss, which is already very, very hard. I often find myself in a bind: primarily I want to be there in these circumstances, listen, try to understand. But.. it is difficult to marry this to giving people something to latch onto. Empathy (seeking to feel and relate) and compassion (seeking to change circumstances/help) often work in opposite directions, and that sucks.
>>42678240
>I am constantly being treated as if I am a backstabbing enemy
I suppose because he sees any sort of concession/disagreement as fundamental opposition?
>At this rate, I don't believe I want to share a living space with him again.
From everything I have heard so far, I diagnose that option with a bad case of "fuck that".
>I need to get some legal advice for this, asap.
>I can't let this become a problem for my sister.
All the best, bunon.
>>42683195
"Escaping the conservative shithole" type situation, I see.. I deeply sympathize, you are far from alone with this here.
>>42686386
Thank you for all the updates, a1hp0s. By the way, is your name inspired by a computer or printer's device name, perhaps? I could swear it sounds familiar..
Either way, you deserve plenty of rest (and grace) when sick, remember, sustainable steps are more important than big steps. You are doing amazing, I'm rooting for you.

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Panty here with a cooking update. I made some squash and kale salads yesterday, and a day or two before that I made this sweet potato chili.

This time I roasted whole tomatoes and blended them with the roasted sweet potato. This definitely added a lot of flavor, the one catch is that I underestimated how many tomatoes I needed to roast. I roasted four, and I’m going to try using eight next time and see how that goes.

Oh, and last night I did 48 squats without feeling sore today. My legs were tired for 3 days after the first time I tried my current routine, so I rested and started again at half the reps, then three quarters. Now I feel like I can do the full routine normally. I_am_growing_stronger.jpg

>>42687748
I’m sorry you’ve been having a rough time, siganon. Remember to show yourself the sort of kindness you’ve shown all of us, because you deserve it too.

>>42660233
I did see this and I’m glad my posts are appreciated.

pg10 *0*

>>42687568
>For online teaching? Been there, done that, but only taught students ages 17 and up. I have no software recommendation, and my advice depends on the size of the group as wel as the age range
That is fair. I will focus on being practical for now.

>My methods work best for adults and groups of 3-15. 20-30 is where I personally start giving up on keeping everyone's attention
Understandable, I am aiming to work with older students anyway since I can now teach English as a foreign language.
Hopefully this brings me greater options.

>I would not make a good school teacher for that reason, I am up close and personal
I understand, I don't believe I have the social skills to do that job myself.

Online work is best for now until I can become a more socialized person again.

>Hope it goes well, in that case
It went fairly well.
I plan to do so again during the weekend, it felt good to talk to her this honestly.
I love my mom, despite everything going on.

>Good idea honestly, if not for my sake then your own
Okay, I will do so as soon as I can.
If I don't make it in time for this thread I promise to post in the next thread at least.

Thank you for everything, Siganon.

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>>42687748
>I must admit I am not doing well the past few days
I am sorry to hear so, Siganon.

I'm not sure if it means much from me, but I hope things get better for you soon.

>>42687748
>I must admit I am not doing well the past few days.
Sending you big hugs

>>42687748
>I must admit I am not doing well the past few days.
ik it's just words but i really hope things get better for you siganon <3 sending virtual hugs as always ⊂((・▽・))⊃

>>42665504
I do plan do publish it but it’s going to be in video format because of voice lines. Legitimately, these characters don’t matter at all except for like at least three. I have been writing things for a while and listening to music to get a feel for them so when I master an audio program I could make the songs for them I almost done searching just need some more songs for characters. I didn’t realize it but it looks one of the characters I was working on is GreekI think instead of Italian. I also want to do 3d models for each character depending on what happens I might make at the max 3 models for the characters aces. The issue is I don’t want to announce my project till the last thing I need is people voice acting these characters. It’s a lot of work now that I to do like finding what fits who. It’s been really fun for me because this project has helped me motivate to watch, read, and listen to various types of media like soon I am going to listen to opera because a character is tied to in a way. I have been thinking of dog training or at least buying them some toys that last a while because all they have is walking outside in the morning and that’s it. I wish one of them was heavily resource guarding food and housing because the other dog gets scared and it’s real messed up, but the dog was raised as a pup if you don’t get food you don’t eat. I just wish he stopped because it’s just bullying at this point.

job hunting sucks

>>42695956
true

siganon should seriously take a vacation or something

>>42687627
i am here, and i am okay, relatively speaking. a friend was hungry so my plans changed from taking a walk to cooking for my friend. i made a lot of pasta carbonara.
in retrospect my extreme depressive episode could've been caused by my antipsychotics running out, or by a lonely valentines day, but it was probably just a perfect storm of everything.
there's one student that wants to learn japanese with me, and i ended up talking to her about life and work and wanting to quit my job today when she came after lessons to show her progress on hiragana. i tried not to burden her too much with my emotions but i did say a bunch of honest stuff that might fuck me up somehow later. i hope it won't, and i hope she keeps getting better at japanese.
>>42687748
sorry to hear you're not doing well. it doesn't look like you want to talk about it, but if you do then me and surely some other anons and nonas would be happy to lend an ear. take care.

>>42687588
>What's up, Anon?
I've been living like an irresponsible degenerate for years now.

I feel filthy.

i did my shot but i hit a nerve and i got scared and it hurt and i think i might have some leakage and i ahte it
next shot sunday anyway so im set...i think
im a mess

everything is lame