i want to let go of my male ego but he’s the one thing keeping me alive. do other tranners/reppers feel the same?
>>43093148When my tall hot boyfriend pinned me underneath him, with his cock deep in me. his fingers in my mouth and whispered in my ear "you're my woman now," my male ego evaporated
>>43093175Need
>>43093175Really? I heard SRS works too
>>43093566Im more afraid of surgery than I am bottom dysphoric plus my boyfriend wants me to keep it
>>43093148ya he's the only one who ever truly listened to me and tried to help me, there is no reason for me to hate him. It's not his fault for the we we were born the way that we were.
>>43093148My male ego protects me
>>43093392
>>43093661>>43093999I feel these specifically. Therapist helped me see it through Internal Family Systems but yeah, basically he’s the protector and the one who gets us to go out and exercise, and shields us from shitty emotions. But he’s exhausted and just wants to rest, desu. It’s a lot of work being the one to take the brunt of negative emotional and physical stress.Also, he’s really AUDHD and has a bunch of interests that derail me from transitioning fully and he even knows that they’re all mostly copes to avoid the work and vulnerability of transition4 years as a public tranny and he’s still the main pilot. We both hate it.
>>43094104Do you have both male and female ego? How do I develop female ego as repper?
>>43094104Whenever I was able to see myself as a woman I ended up feeling tons of distress because of physical dysphoria and scared of the world which made me go back to seeing myself as a dysphoric man. Even now on HRT I feel unsafe girlmoding despite passing. I just feel generally unsafe about others and think they will hurt me the moment I act out of line so I default to seeing myself as a dysphoria male on HRT
>>43093661>>43093999 checked>>43094104same
>>43094321Checked what?
>>43094149>>43094104posts like this make me understand myself a bit betterthank you for sharingi dont have a solution all i wanted to sya is, same, me too, and I am so exhausted of him and of myself and he feels the samei can stop blaming him and myself though. I hope i can.
>>43094647I want to stop blaming myself too. There are many things I wish I did different but I tried to do things right, I swear I did
>>43094575trips
>>43093148I did for a while, but he was too mentally taxing to maintain so I let him die. It was beautiful and sad, he sacrificed himself for me, which is what he always wanted. He was a villain to the world, but he was my hero.
>>43094647>I am so exhausted of himYeah sweetheart, you're trying to simulate and entire person who's the other gender to the one you're actually wired for. That's literally what causes gender dysphoria, you are stressing your brain well past it's design specs. You need to let go. That's not sustainable, you're hurting yourself.
Idk if this will be helpful to anyone here but I maintain my male ego but I don't really identify with it. I don't think you need to kill it per say as I think that's self destructive in nature. I think a better way to deal with it is to let it become a caricature of itself, like you know how the whole sissy/bimbo thing is sort of becoming a exaggeration of a women. Just apply that to your male ego where you make him hyper masculine to the point where he is fake and could be described as unrealistic, in doing this you maintain him if you need him. Though you do need to stop thinking about him for this truly work, and I understand if a more permanent solution is required.
>>43094664we all tried our best, that's a lesson in itself>>43094908am I?Isn’t he me as much as I am?Sometimes i wonder if im the real me and not himi cant simply let go either.he is useful. but im tired of this...ambiguity
>>43093148I tried to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away
>>43093175nah id fight back
>>43094112Idk, when I talk about it it feels like I’m pathologizing or dramatizing it but it is possible it’s adjacent to DID or a similar disorder since I “snap” into these modes without warning. It’s not as much by choice as it is a state like “hungry” or “full” or “alert/awake” vs “fight or flight”. I don’t think this makes me special, desu I think most people experience this when they’ve compartmentalized a lot as a coping mechanism.I’m unsure of how it works, but basically how I map it is:Inner core: >femme self (stunted in age/social development due to decades of repression. >Extremely creative, fluid, open, kind.>Colors literally appear more vibrant and the world feels more cohesive/sacred>loves to draw, paint, take care of animals, clean, make pottery>She is very very sensitive and “hides” a lot as a result (gives up autonomy to other layers)>doesn’t like 4chan, it’s too harsh and hateful and can feel the grief and depression like a strong magnetic field>She really wants to grow up but the pain of my life decisions and lack of safety/husband and mountain of grief make her want to hideMiddle layer: >Masculine-ish self who kind of runs the show and keeps up public appearances>Prefers girlmoding but is way too scared most of the time and ends up manmoding despite passing>Fixates on 4chan and other time-wasters because they’re safe outlets, no judgement or danger >Hates all of this and just wants to feel fully femme and stop wasting time/energy>eats a lot of food because it numbs my body/emotions and was the first way I coped with childhood dysphoria>exercises a lot to try to compensate, maintain mental clarity and not gain weight (it’s a viscous cycle)Outer layer:>Only masculine-identified layer>only comes out when things are really bad>Extremely blackpilled doomer>Very Christian, fire/brimstone>Extremely self-hateful and will punish us through self harm>hates all of us and hates himself
>>43094859>He was a villain to the world, but he was my hero.perfectly said
Continued:It’s basically a huge mess and I’m in a period of depression right now. I know that the solution is to reintroduce structure into my daily routine and heal traumas/do nice things for myself and actually achieve my real goals. But I keep staying on this stupid forum which is an act of temporary safety but deep down an act of self harm because most of us have bought into the self-hate even if it’s just for the memes. Words matter.>>43094149Precisely. Being here has really made that worse. Something about believing that I’m just a dysphoric male on HRT does do measurable damage to my transition. Something about the pseudo-spiritual delusional belief that I am woman-souled or could someday transform is actually the most powerful thing. It helped me immensely in the early days and is what makes the most progress somehow, it’s like magic. >>43094859I feel this hard. It’s hard not to view him as a hero. Part of it is projecting all of my male heroes and loves onto him, or my dad. Figures that feel unshakable and signal safety. Subconsciously it’s hard not to look for those qualities in a husband…>>43094908I don’t know. If I’m being honest, living as a woman has been the thing that feels fake. Still does. I know that it’s because it’s always easier to hide/cope/rot but still. Maybe it’s because rotting is so easily accessible in America. No one will really stop men from becoming completely stagnant meatbags and you can actually keep yourself clothed and fed in that state.
>>43095246Woah so I'm not the only one dealing with 3 layers...
>>43095362Yeah, it’s really common. DESU I think most people deal with it, especially if you grew up in an abusive household.We’re all different things to different people, right? The most common one is a work-self vs home-self. More than just behaving different, your body acts different, feels different, your memories and thought-patterns are different. When you’re in literal survival mode or extremely unsafe these personalities can become a little more permanent and distant from each other. Ideally, all of these versions should talk to each other seamlessly and get all of their respective needs met, and possibly all be aligned toward a single goal of personal growth together. Then they all kind of merge.In psychiatry I’ve seen it called Internal Family Systems. One layer is often a hurt child self, another layer is like a survival-mode “emotional fire fighter” and the other acts as a mediator to try to keep the other two happy.It’s gotten a lot more popular with discord teens these days. This is where I become cautious: it seems dangerous to get stuck identifying with all of these “layers” instead of focusing on healing and becoming a cohesive whole. Even talking about these layers as separate people with separate needs can be counterproductive; my goal isn’t to flesh these “layers” out, my goal is to make them work together. By pathologizinf them it helps me stay stuck as this disjointed, dysfunctional person because none of them are happy. All of them want to transition and become more like one another, but my habits are keeping them stuck.Sorry my posts are so rambly and the syntax is so bad, I’m really unwell right now.
>>43093148I thought my ego died but I think I'm coming back to life nowThe girl beneath is had to go for a few months and damn is it difficult for herI'll try to handle things from now on for as long as I can
>>43095567Are you getting IFS therapy?
>>43093148I dont want to kill him. I just wanted to drive instead, he agrees with that sentiment and that this is for the best.He kinda works as the wise old man in my head. A voice of reason. Sometimes it causes dysphoria, but he doesnt deserve to die. If he decides to merge, or dissappear its on his terms. Why would I kill the one who suffered for us for so long? He deserves to see the fruits. I give him a treat once in a while and play dayz.
>>43095212Fighting back would have caused pain, plus hes half a foot taller than me and stronger than I could ever aspire to. Letting go and accepting the death of the male ego not only was the only logical choice in the moment but opened me up to the pleasures of submitting to a man
>>43095592Not anymore. I spiraled too much and honestly refused to change a lot of my habits so my therapist decided to abort. I don’t blame her. Part of it is that I have a complex eating disorder that presents as binging, over exercise, and moralistic orthorexia that becomes borderline OCD at times, ie can’t buy normal because it’s not “moral/cruelty-free enough”. This all coincides with some odd food allergy that might have to do with a group of proteins found in dairy, wheat, eggs and a lot of grains. Basically if I eat them for too long I have severe depression, paranoia, delusions, anxiety attacks that can last a day to a week after ingestion. Basically possibly a food-mediated schizophrenia. A lot of this just comes off as being a hypochondriac and I hate it. I really do want to fix these things, and I’m realizing that most of my emotional issues do just stem back to food and control of food. And that’s just the first layer. There is so much wrapped up in these identities and the way of life I’ve known for 15years after repressing. I still just wish I had taken HRT at 14y.o. like I wanted. Ugh, I’m sorry. I just need to deal with all of this. It has destroyed my life multiple times.
>>43095763No it's fine I'm in a similar spot as you, trying to process and heal
>>43095654This is so accurate and beautifully written. We really aren’t all so different, are we? Amazing…
Are your male personas tulpas you've made to be able to get through it all? Or were they your original personas before your female tulpas took over?
>>43093148>do other tranners/reppers feel the same?No. I just repress my agp. I'm a man, and I will die a man. I've gone 15 years resisting the urges. It's not gonna change anytime soon. My ego is stronger than my instincts.
>>43096398Most likely just compartmentalization
>>43093148I wish i could make out sloppy style with my male ego and make him my twinkpet bf
>>43096398the male tulpa is more like a containment unit. the original self should always have final say over decisions like this.
>>43095212Feisty ones fall the hardest
>>43093175This but with "I'll fuck the boy out of you".>>43093566It does. 4yrs post op and I don't remember how it felt to be a man. I remember what I did and lots of stuff, but not how I felt.
>>43093175>"You're My Woman Now" and Other Erotic Fanfictions by A. Faggot
>>43095790Thank you for getting it. You cant have night without day.
>>43094908Orthere's something way less magical happening;her brain is male and that's why she has male thought patternsduuhhhh
I love how "woman" to transwomen means, "getting railed and abused until you get used to it, because that's womanhood!"
>>43097646only 1 guy with mef said that in this thread though. i mean i'm sure some people hold this stance consciously or not but overall ppl here have more nuanced views on female ontology
>>43096727Do you really see him as a tulpa?
>>43098200no I'm not a tulpa system I just have a good understanding of what a tulpa is and how one would have one like that.
>>43097646Its only that to the fetishist. Feminity is not about getting railed or even feeling desirable or submissive. Thats misogynistic. Its about being a after, kinder being and ofc the typical feminine stuff hair, makeup, clothes, voice and general presentation etc.
You're all mentally ill. I am not a man or male even if i have often pretended to be one.
>>43096398No tulips involved. Depending on your school of thought there are multiple beings living in you at once. A Tulpa is like a forced version of this. This more refers to the masculine voice of thinking in my head I had as a man as well. I also think in a feminine voice, but both are my voice. A tulpa is a separate entity intentionally created.
