religious ocd nona hope you're doing okay
>>43285506mii nipahhh~
tfw no one has ever posted hoping i'm doing okay
>>43285506which one?
>>43286485youre in my heart tonight i hope youre doing ok
what even is ocd
>>43288819the one that grew up in a cult
>>43289412thats me, thanks for being concerned about me also im not a nona anymore i think im a male with peter pan syndrome >>43288893
>>43289412>>43290167also i love higurashi. i want to be kei-chan but im too old. oh well im on chapter 6 rn actually i just got to the part where Rena tells Keiichi that she thinks shes being followed for having Takani's scrapbooks and Keiichi sees the guys waiting in a van on the way home
>>43290178Takano*
>>43290178actually i dont want to be Keiichi because Ryukishi wrote some weird cuckolding shit with Mion trying to make Keiichi jealous by showing her body off to other guys at the beach to make him upset.
>>43289412my discord is snow.firefly if you wanna talk. i think ive seen you post before with your rika pic
>>43290167>>43290178im reading ayako atm which is quite good i guess >>43290206i used that pic because someone posted it in the thread that we talked in. i havent even checked that manga/anime desu... well i shouldyou seem somewhat balanced now which is good! what were the things that you did to get through your suicidal arc? you mentioned it blooming into something better later in your lifei can't get my discord back rn because my phone died etc but im gonna save your id if dont mind and maybe add you later ok? im pretty aviodant sorry
>>43289350its a magical mental disorder that makes you really good at organization and curating things and pattern recognition but it makes your life a nightmare because you cant do completely random stuff because you realize that some things actually cause bad luck like drinking black tea or brewing your green tea for 20 minutes or having certain things as your phone wallpaper or posting about things on tumblr and your reality is basically like those "hardest game ever" flash games from the 2000s where you have to move the mouse really carefully without touching something or moving objects i also have really bad magical thinking ocd. religion by far is my worst ocd theme because it cant be disproven or proven.
>>43290234>you seem somewhat balanced now which is good! im not, my ocd is really bad still. i just am feeling better because im trying to live better. im still in a lot of pain and my religious and magical thinking ocd are particularly bad now because my Mom is Catholic now and i constantly have intrusive thoughts about going to hell. i really hate religion. >what were the things that you did to get through your suicidal arc? you mentioned it blooming into something better later in your life my recent suicidal arc well it culminated in me setting up something to hang myself with but then my Mom woke up amd wouldnt go back to sleep and i snapped at her while we were arguing and told her i was gonna try to hang myself and then i got psych warded for it. i had to go to the psychosis unit because there were no other rooms available in the hospital and i got molested by an evil spirit in a nightmare (during the DAYTIME on top of that) as soon as i fell asleep in there. everyone there was visibly violent and dangerous. it was hell. it rattled me so much that im never gonna attempt suicide again for fear of failing and ending up in the psych ward again. im also terrified of being taken to a nightmare dimension if i die by suicide because someone on /x/ said "soul mercenaries" will come for you if you die in a vibration of fear or negative emotional states. as for it blooming sometime later in my life i meant that a few years ago during the beginning of the circumstances that made me suicidal i went through early 2010s tumblr blogs a lot to comfort myself with nostalgia and it actually made me really happy because i love the old style of photography that was popular back then, where everything was highly color saturated and film photos i was also thinking of when i was 12 and also going through a really bad time and did similar stuff but with 2015 tumblr and (1/2)
remember to wash your handshttps://youtu.be/irlz5iCc5NM?si=5iu1xl_rL861z4f5
>>43290234>>43290265(2/2) and it ended up being really enjoyable to me when i got older and got a smartphone and looked through older 2015 tumblr blogs. i actually mostly just saw the types of pics from that era of tumblr blogs like the ones people would take of themselves wearing black clothes and adidas or bottles of fiji water or blurry pics of the sky etc. like 2015 "grunge" or "soft ghetto" (i know its a stupid term but thats what they used) blogs. i would see those types of pics on these 2015 "vibe twitter" accounts that always posted fake deep quotes and stuff and used those pics from tumblr as their profile pics. so when i got older and actually used tumblr it was really fun to go through blogs from that era and soak in the nostalgia because that stuff was part of the positive things that helped me get through that time in my life. i was just looking for a pic from one of those blogs and found a really good one with a quote that actually is relevant to what I'm talking about, it says "how we survive is what makes us who we are". >but im gonna save your id if dont mind and maybe add you later ok? im pretty aviodant sorry sure! and that's ok i understand
>>43290265a few month ago i had a psychotic episode. i lost track of time and spent a week barely sleeping/eating. it was sorta like being high on adrenaline all the time with no way to chill...almost ended up in the ward but managed it with sleeping pills somehow. now my short term memory is not what it used to be... cool thing though is that mild hypnagogic hallucinations are back. just like in my childhoodand yeah, failing a suicide is nightmare fuel>>43290265>i got molested by an evil spirit in a nightmarei used to get sleep paralysis quite a lot. when i started meditating i somehow get this ability to become lucid in my dreams to confront or interact with it. it still feels like moving through a mass of water though and my own reflection is weird (i see mirrors in my dreams quite a lot). always get the blank eyes
>>43290234oh also since you asked what i did to get through my recent suicidal arc. i actually didnt mention what i did during that time to cope, but one big thing was i didnt think i could transition so i didnt do diy or anything cause i thought i couldnt due to my life circunstances atm so i basically like tried to cope by developing this persona of being a "super elegant and likes fancy Western things in the way Japanese people do (example: https://pin.it/7KaMruRsj, and this song https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=1CqNRTx1aQc) boy" like Light Yagami (minus the fact that he killed people) since i couldnt be a girl. i discovered lots of new things that i like now through that, like 80s-90s fantasy anime such as Record Of Lodoss War. i think i need a creative outlet. i always enjoyed art and my Mom was naturally artistic and i used to draw but have not in a while. i also ate sweets like every single day cause Japanese people like fancy Western sweets like chocolate and cause i really liked death note at the time and Mello and L both loved sweets so it was kind of a form of my autism LOL. but it certainly wasnt healthy. i thought i could get away with it cause ive been lacto vegetarian my whole life (i dont eat meat or eggs) and i used to drink green tea every day (which i now realize made my ocd much worse) but it wasnt healthy. i do not recommend. i remember in high school a kid in one of my classes dressed as L from death note for a bit AND LEGIT WALKED BAREFOOT IN SCHOOL TOO. what i did with constantly eating sweets cause i was pretending i was an anime character was similar. also green tea makes my ocd worse probably because of the caffeine. i would explain it as my actual compulsive urges are way worse and almost impossible to control when i drink green tea but maybe my intrusive thoughts are less frequent. but when im not on caffeine i can resist the urge to do compulsions much more easily, but the amount and frequency of intrusive thoughts i have is worse.
>>43290342yeah caffeine definitely does something to ocd braini've never been into drawing, though focusing on something that takes your attention entirely is the only time i'm 100% not obsessive. in my case it is keeping track of sound, like turning a synthesizer knob on a filter. that constant change and the need to keep track of it makes me live in the moment for a bit
>>43290328>cool thing though is that mild hypnagogic hallucinations are back. this is one of the main things that made me quit estrogen. i also heard about the succubus theory shit so idk if it caused like a placebo or "autosuggestion" effect but i noticed i would feel really weird specifically whenever i was waking up from sleep, and i started having weird dreams, and then one night i woke up having like legit psychedelic visuals. i didnt realize it because it was dark in my room and then i turned on my phone to check the time and i noticed my visual snow was more intense than usual and there were like noticeable bubbles swirling over everything, it looked slightly like a Da Vinci painting or that old ai image generator that would always have bubbles all over the image. it was so terrifying. i thought about continuing it again shortly after but i noticed i kept getting bad luck whenever i even INTENDED to do an injection, and then when i was going to do an injection anyway my "magical thinking" ocd got particularly bad in that moment to the point i ended up throwing the vial away. >when i started meditating i somehow get this ability to become lucid in my dreams to confront or interact with it. it still feels like moving through a mass of water though and my own reflection is weird (i see mirrors in my dreams quite a lot). always get the blank eyes i actually used to be really serious about Buddhism a few years ago and i was taught meditation really well from listening to instructions by a Malaysian monk, and one time i tried to meditate while in a dream and i actually became lucid, i even remember that i felt more real than i do in real life. a different time i also randomly had a dream where i remember feeling more real than in real life, too, like some people describe feeling in near-death experiences. it was really interesting. Buddhist meditation became bad for me though because i think it made my emotions really intense.
>>43290419>yeah caffeine definitely does something to ocd brain yes, in my case i think it "transfers" the ocd from mental (high amount and frequency of intrusive thoughts) to physical (incredibly stronger urge to perform compulsions, nearly impossible to resist because the fear causing the urge is so potent, and also my "magical thinking" (which is maybe the fear or root of the fear?) is much worse and i just believe it more/am terrified of it more when I'm on caffeine). i liked drinking green tea cause I'm a weeb and it makes my face look better because of improving blood circulation (apparently green tea is good for your skin too, and jasmine green tea is apparently good for hair and skin) but according to traditional Japanese medicine / macrobiotics you're actually not supposed to drink highly caffeinated teas like green tea daily because they're considered "extreme yin" and overstimulate the kidneys. apparently you can drink kukicha or hojicha daily though if you want to because they have a lower caffeine content. kukicha is also really healthy (it's made from the stems of the tea plant rather than the leaves) and even has a lot of iron i heard. >though focusing on something that takes your attention entirely is the only time i'm 100% not obsessive. i noticed it's incredibly difficult for me to read anything related to religion or scroll past images related to religion when i see them because of my ocd. even reading in general is hard because of it and i couldn't function in college because of it.
>>43290682i'm way into caffeinated slop desu to stop ;6(reading problem is a real trick yes. reading in it self is not something i stumble over, it is when i start getting conscious about it being 'important' or 'urgent' that i fail. it just falls down on me and i barely understand anything out of the word salad i'm getting
>>43290729>it is when i start getting conscious about it being 'important' or 'urgent' that i fail. that's exactly how it is for me. it's the worst when it's religious or spiritual stuff because of the punishment aspect of religion. i get scared of being punished for not reading or paying attention to it properly. my magical thinking ocd has been worse than ever since my Mom officially became Christian. now i get scared of being sent to hell for completely random things or saying certain things.
