Hey /lit/izens. This is my script that I'm currently trying to get greenlit. Pull it apart. I'm kind of going for gritty, realistic Hemingway style dialogue. I need your help. All feedback is appreciated. This project isn't going to write itself.https://file.io/qDgd3aeXmZzW
Oops, here's the right link: https://wormhole.app/DAZzY#bd1gIJ7mxe9wVMHkQDFwgg. Thank you guys
>>23617490Link doesn’t work, retard
hey guys, I know its a lot but I need feedback
>>23617559Page 1: those “hoodlums” better not be racialized or members of a visible, marginalized identity, anon. Naughty naughty.
>>23617581They are the "messengers" that kind of tie together the ring composition. I've been in contact with Disney and they said they'll be a mix of everyone
>>>/tv/
Is the Disney representative you're talking to from India and asking for your credit card number? Delusional
I'm reading more of your script. What the fuck is this movie supposed to be about?????
>>23617629it's a classical redemption arc of a business man or family man employee of hardware venture with at the juncture of a midlife crisis gets "fired" by the devil and finds god in the mountains
>>23617639Maybe learn how to write first
>>23617647I am honing the craft but I think I have a good ear for dialogue
>>23617649
>>23617658>he whipped his basedjak folderoh no, it's over. jealous shitter. all you guys do is shit on people, you don't even bother reading it
>>23617669"As a matter of fact, today was agreat day. I got an unbelievablesurprise that will totally thrilland amaze you."I'm jealous that I'm not able to come up with dialogue this soulless
>>23617686it's so "soulless" that you're engaging and reading with it
>>23617490Page 18 'should' not 'can' and 'don't' not 'won't' when Daniel's talking about leaving early for the sake of realism. Do spouses really call each other Mom and Dad (Papaw) for the sake of the children, if grown? 'Quiero' not 'quero' or you need to make clear he's saying it wrong beyond dialogic context 'Friggin Gandhi' is a weird line for a contemporary suburban wasp housewife'Something doesn't smell right here' is too over the top. Let it just be a facial expression before and into the beat.Anyway the whole thing is chat GPT level bad, very boring, not sure why I read the whole thing.
>>23617698all you did was pore over it and find petty grammar and idiomatic "errors", you obviously aren't grasping the substance of what the film is about, just think of the title
>>23617710Just say you watched Bruce Almighty and thought you could do a better job
>>23617716well it is about finding god in the "mountains". Brice Almighty is a comedy film but there is a deeper message there it doesn't really have the literary qualities my writing has but there is a connecting between going up "to the mountain" (think of Moses on Mount Sinai like the bush is "consumed" but not "burned", while Daniel goes up the mountain Mitchell's erects the golden calve. the difference is that god never talks to people in the Hebrew bible but God "messages" Daniel (think of his name's meaning) which is a rereaeing of the mount sinai scene in a modern suburban context
>>23617710Okay, substance: the religious message you think is present really is not and when you try to make it clear it comes across as not subtle whatsoever, particularly the 'finding God' scene, which both fails to appear as a moment of salvation/redemption/gnosis and also simultaneously manages to be ridiculously over the top in how much it wants to be one of those three things.Emily or Erin or whatever the fuck her name was has absolutely zero role in the script beyond a foil to see how great a family man Daniel is and much of your modern audience will likely find her portrayal somewhat sexist (not that I care). She is boring, the child is boring. So many moments where I think it's a chekhovs fun of sorts and then actually it turns out you're too lazy to make a complete story, lots of hodgepodge 'artsy' stylistic choices to make up for the fact that nothing fucking happens in the story, no one actually changes, there is no resolution. He lives and he dies, and he was a good person the entire time. Hurray! It's an acceptable 15minute skim, it's unacceptable as a film. "Hemingway style dialogue" lmaoIt reads like GPT and now that I've written this all out it seems like bait, but it's still 83 page long bait, so you're still retarded.
>>23617735firstly, the way I write the narrative is based on the Bible. You have to read the "script" like the Bible. It seems simple but there are hidden meanings everywhere like Daniel waking up at 3:16. You could also argue that Christ doesn't change in the gospels - he is good and then he dies. so I dont really see that as a valid critique. the point is that good people find god on the mountain. if this shit board is your litmus test for what good dialogue is then of course you think its bad. again you obviously haven't read it. you just plugged into chatgpt and got this bullshit for a quick ego trip
>>23617754Yikes
>>23617768Ok reread the scene where Daniel is talking about energizes (beautifying) the team. "Yeah, me too. Well let's talk alittle about how we can energize your team." He is implicitly accused of being prodigal for "wasting energy." the girl in the other room is the metaphorical interlocutor who asks Christ "why are you wasting this money (time is money, also energy and beauty) when you could be putting it to virtuous things?" The ironic bit is that she is beautiful herself. Of course it's JUDAS who asks Christ that question. I dont want to give too much away but when I started learning about gnosticism I found this idea that "well, wait, judas is actually the good guy!" But no ... that's obviously wrong. That's kind of the modern spin I'm giving on this
>>23617790Who exactly is the target audience for this film? Did you ever ask yourself that question? It seems like you're just writing this in hopes that Disney picks it up so you can make a quick buck
>>23617804again consider that this is basically a retelling of the transfiguration of Hebrew scripture in a modern suburban setting. so like the Bible it is written in a simple language (koine, common tone) but the meaning is much deeper. it's "for all and none." Consider how it's Daniel who goes to the mountain and god is literally his judge (Dani El) compared to Egyptian manetho Moses who is just a placeholder for any real theological or at least nominal significance, we read this in Josephus. Erin (the Virgin Mary, the sort of feminine version of the transfiguration of the Levite priesthood into the feminine "Melchizedek" (consider the name too, I am a righteous king) does not give the world a calf when Daniel is finding God on the mountain. She is too busy with Joshua (god is salvation).
>>23617833Tell me nobody has ever criticized your writing without telling me nobody has ever criticized your writing
>>23617865I said pull it apart not shit on it. you can pull apart the Bible but critiquing it in the sense of dunking on it isn't really possible because you're a part of it whether you want to be or not
Look, he keeps comparing his screenplay to the Bible, just let the thread die
>>23617710You’re asking for free critique from strangers and your mad that someone helped you with your sub-par grammar skills?
>>23617913imagine thinking telling me it's actually "their" and not "they're" conveys any substance or depth
hello
weird thread bump
bump
>>23617686>I'm jealous that I'm not able to come up with dialogue this soulless
this is the worst writing I've EVER read. it doesn't even sound human or even like AI slop. It's void of anything resembling meaning
>Hey look it's John Everyman, I bet everything is going fine for him!>Look at him, he's just like you, wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him huh?>It sure would be a shame if- ohhh nooo!>explosion, car crash, fade to black, opening credits with montage of establishing shots>cut to 20 fucking years earlier are you seriousoh man this isn't just bad this is textbook bad, like it's extruded from a mold of precisely refined and engineered information perfectly attuned to make me turn the fuckin tv off, incredible work
Very elaborate troll OP, well done.
>>23617686this
Bump
>>23617490Have you had any professional editors or people who actually write look over this? Hell, did you ask ANYONE to read before you posted it on here?
>>23617710You think a big time movie studio wants a script with bad grammar?
>>23620044It's not a troll, he's genuinely delusional thats why he has bumped the thread no less than six times
Looks like he's given up?
I haven't read anything yet that actually addresses the real substance of my writing, it's all just jealous shit spewing
bumping OC bread
I would critique but I can't read.
It seems the link has expired. I'll post a new one after I get home from my agent, stay tuned. I've taken some of your feedback to heart and will probably post up a new script by week's end.
I have a big update. I sent an email to dickon stainer and he will send me an email to send me proofread copy of Messengers. The said Anne Hathaway wants to do a devil wears Prada sequel and we have to secure her. That's why the press is just blowing up over this reunion. production is being fast tracked and the movie will come out on Labor Day
https://wormhole.app/J0j7E#_nqTBbTyDGNk-oK5RruNvQ
hello bump
