Hey lit rate my poem
insubstantial garbage, but you knew that when you wrote it
>>23630301why so, anon?
>>23630305you should be the one who can answer that. if you can't, don't write poetry until you can.
>the streets are nothing more>than a heart made of pebbleshuh?
>>23630316it only makes sense if you know what a batea is
This poem was written by an IPA-drinking bushwick resident paying $2000 a month for a rat-infested apartment with three roommates whose income is partially Barista tips and gofundme virtue signaling.
>>23630312well english is not my first language, so if you could stop being mean and help me there i would appreciate that
>>23630328jokes on you i live all alone
>>23630321>bateaA malacostracan crustacean with no carapace?
>>23630344no man, pic is how you call a gold pan in spanish
>>23630347forgot the pic
masturbation
>>23630357why so, anon?
>>23630347I don't speak Spanish. You're likely to get 100% negative feedback from the rest of /lit/ but your poem has potential.
>>23630289i think its alright, im not really a poetry guy but i think its just needs a edited a little because i wont lie it feels a little jaring to go from line 5 to the end talking about the community. still good tho id say, 6.6/10
>>23630380i wish i could read it to you guys feel the rythm, i'll make a vocaroo wait a bit
>>23630390https://voca.ro/15oA08dGttvphere it is
>>23630289It's shit.
>>23630448 why so, anon?
>>23630460Poems are shitty by default, and there's nothing special about this poem that makes it different from the default.
>>23630470what do you call default?
>>23630289It's a shame that you insult the moon by dragging her into your vanities, but good luck in your dessert of pebbles kiddo
>>23630485its not being isulted, the image just reflects atemporality. inner time in contrast of outside, regular time
>>23630506In your head only
>>23630515maybe yes, but even chatgpt could get this part of the poem but you didnt
>>23630365Because the focus is yourself, what you're doing, with only a vague metaphor at the end. Good poetry finds the self reflected externally.
>>23630409>https://voca.ro/15oA08dGttvpnice voice. yeah i think its a bit stronger, id revise what i said about it being a little jaring, its good. i also revise the score to 7.1/10.
>>23630571youre talking about dramatic poetry, this is lyrical poetry anon. i wasnt even smoking or drinking any coffee... those are just images of stress leveled anxiety
There is already a poetry general
>>23630539>ChatGPTywnbap
>>23630621im sayin that even an ai could get exactly what it was (that particular verse) but you didnt, youre not a strong poetry reader, are youim not even saying it is good, thats exaclty why im after reviews. but if your critique is a matter of taste, you should no bother commenting
>>23630482That which has nothing special to it.
>>23630380>>23630578samefag OPkill yourself
>>23630289Go find a job, while you still can.
>>23630783can you elaborate on the poem being ordinary, anon? thanksthats my firt attempt to write a poem in english, so i want some tips on how to convey more lyrical power to it>>23630788Not samefaggin, are you dense?
>>23630793I'm a clerk in civil service, a bit dull job but i can earn a living and make verses. I'm not into it as a profession, I just enjoy writing poems.
bump?
>>23630794>Not samefagginThat's what a samefag would say
>>23630794>can you elaborate on the poem being ordinaryThere is nothing about the poem that makes it different from ordinary writing. It does not expound a profound thought, it does not capture a sublime emotion. It has no metaphor or simile that can be called genius, it has no deviation from ordinary grammar that can be called divine. There is no rhyme, there is no rhythm, there is no music in the sound of the words. There is nothing in poem that makes it worth the time to read it.>i want some tipsRead Palgrave's Golden Treasury.
>>23631116Ok, then. It was me same faggin, believe what you will.>>23631135Did you hear it being read? I posted a Vocaroo. Thanks for the recommendation.
>>236304823 lines, a whole third of the poem are incredibly routine descriptions of mundane and trite images which are in no way subverted, retooled, or made more interesting by syntax. The rest is marginally better but still nothing that unique or interesting that you couldn’t find from a poetry student or complete amateur.
>>23630330Where doest thou thinkest thou art?
>>23630289Are you queer? Is>my bed of shiver>clenched musclesa reference to the night sweats you get from terminal AIDS?
>>23631966Those are actually expressions of anxiety, the whole poem is an expression of it. A poem (a good one, at least) should be able to be read in a variety of ways. Poems are just beautiful lies conveying a great variety of truths to each and every reader.Now, the street being a heart made of pebble should reflect the nature of all the anxiety presented in all other verses of the poem - social anxiety. Pebbles are colorless rocks and sound very shitty when you walk on them, they are an image of desolation. The streets being such a heart, this confluence, the writers heart with the very object of his anxiety should close the poem.By all your feedback, I know I failed. That's all right. It's just poetry. And I'm not a fag, if thats what youre asking.>>23631960Yeah, I know.
>>23630289Rupi-Kaur tier, which is to say, destined for the flames of Hell which are reserved for mockers of Poetry.
>>23632241Come on now. It's bad but it's not [i]that[/i] bad.
>>23630289>cigarettes, coffee and anxiety mentioned in the first three linesCould it be any more generic?
>>23632737I know. Its just fun to be flamboyant. He actually has a little talent. What he needs is to read real poetry and learn a bit about meter. This has the feel of being "off the cuff" from someone who listens to a lot of modern verse. Though my impression could, of course, be wrong.
>>23632833OP here. You are right, I wrote it in less than 3 minutes.
>>23632751Well, I had a vague idea of creating a ordinary day vibes in the beggining of the poem to contrast with the rest of it.
>>23630289Do you want to have premarital sex with me?
Translated it to PortugueseBatéiacigarros fumo ebebo caféem ansiosa jactânciaa lua adiantou-se às horas emmeu leito prenhe de tremorescrispados músculos, teso espíritoe a rua nada mais é quealgum coração, repleto de seixos
>>23632971sure, why not.
