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>mfw anxious thinking about a conversation I had earlier in the day
more info about the artist here
https://www.moma.org/s/ge/collection_ge/artist/artist_id-2569.html

Beckett and Kafkaesque

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"Moments in Modernism"

You can catch glimpses of whips and chains
In doing away with almond skin
For it plays a part — in the beauty of art

Most of your fear gets washed away
But, weigh dew-kissed flesh — Since
Frost draped — Or you’ll tremble in vain

The afterbirth’s shewing in the foxfire
And, you still can’t make — dusty-old
Art?

The fruits of travail do not
see day in art

Oh Soul, 'moments in,' are only — Moments apart

What are you supposed to do if you are genuinely convinced that humanity will face existential catastrophe within the next 25 years?

>>24941326
Live your life and don't worry about it like the rest of us.
I'd say "be the change you want to see in the world" but a lot of people who agree with you do actively malicious and heinous shit to innocent people who are just trying to live their lives.

>>24941350
Do me a favor; if you ever come across a question in this thread, hold off on sharing your take.

Brownie in a mug

There's this video game reviewer guy I see. His name is patriciantv. He makes me feel like shit. Worse than shit. Because I'm jealous. He is so much smarter than me. True intelligence. It just flows from him. He's able to think things I never could. He was reading books that are beyond me when he was a teenager. But the important part is the way he can construct and present arguments and explain himself. Its so crazy. Watching him is addictive. I've never met a single person who could do that least of all the man in the mirror. It really underlines just what a total fucking cruel joke it was that I was allowed to be deluded into thinking I was smart. When it was really just plummeting standards in education. 100 years ago I'd be substandard and likely not allowed to pursue higher education. Here I was treated like a prodigy.
God I wish I was smart so bad. I wish I could speak and people understood me. I wish I could connect all these things in my head from history to philosophy to politics to literature. But instead I'm a knuckle dragger who WATCHES others play games (im too stupid for video games) and can only mumble like a retard about nothing. I have no stance on anything. I'm not even a centrist or a nihilist. I'm just stupid. I don't know what to think or how to think. I need to be told.

>>24941498
Want me to own him in a debate live on stream? I'll do it for you, bb

How often is safe to use melatonin per week to sleep so I don't run the risk of becoming reliant on it? Once a week? Once every four days? I wanna use it tonight to help fix my sleep schedule but I last used it like five days ago or so.

>>24941326
I'm ending my life in 10 years or so. That's my answer. I don't wanna be around to see an AI-dominated, environmentally wrecked, spiritually devoid world.

>>24941410
No... You shall suffer my take as penance for asking a stupid question that you could google instead.

>>24941516
Perhaps you could make some attempt to reduce the severity or duration of the burgeoning dystopia, at least for a select few?

>>24941532
I'd have to be a billionaire or a politician. Anything else and I'm just along for the ride, nothing I can do to change or even nudge its course.

I'm not really a writer but I feel compelled to write my chud stories lately

>>24941516
pussy

>>24941552
I'm too sensitive, yes.

>>24941410
He is right almost every religion, every philosophy on some level says that you need to accept what is going on. You can act or try to act to change course but ultimately it isn't up to you its up to the majority and if the majority disagrees with you and you spend your time heckling, demeaning, and antagonizing the majority to change their way, well... It just makes you an accidental harbinger of the thing you are trying to avoid.

We do not need 2 of these fucking threads up

>>24941572
but it’s what we deserve

I saw a really fucked up video today and now I'm spiraling.

>>24941572
My bad, I didn't see the other one.

Sometimes I feel so lonely that having a woman beside me would only amplify it. Actually, I don't even know if what I'm feeling right now is loneliness, though it sounds befitting for staying up all night to listen to sad music. Whatever it is, the feeling is just as liable to dissolve at the changing of a song and the thread of self-insight is lost.

>>24941626
I actually find that while I do suffer from loneliness, that I actually feel much more lonely when I'm around people because I know none of these people understand me at all. Its in those times when I'm by myself and feeling lonely I try to remember how much more worse it feels to be around people who don't understand you and it actually helps me fair better when I'm alone.
Also I had a pretty cool sad song to add but of course I don't remember its name and can't find it on youtube again.

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Ex Machina is a cautionary tale against simping.

>>24941658
I will simp for the sexy robot woman and you won't stop me.

>>24941662
She kills them both. Mfer would die for a clanker, LOL.

>>24941326
Start advocating for eugenics.

>>24941664
I know, I saw the movie only think different is that I would have taken off her arms and legs, much easier to fuck. Then she would have tried to blow me to get her legs back.

>>24941668
>I would have taken off her arms and legs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9A-w11--8o
Then how would she dance

>>24941670
she wouldn't, I'd even fuck her right in front of him.
But it is a very spooky and thought provoking move, but the thing is that the creator had his own suspicions about her yet did nothing to disable her, her limbs are clearly detachable and the MC also is kinda dumb. If I met a robot and it was like "my creator is ebil" I'm telling the creator. Even if its true, he would do far less damage being a human than she would being a loose AI.

>>24941674
ur not really simping like you originally said are you

>>24941675
She is programmed to be fucked and gooned on, if she doesn't like it then gets weird thoughts about "freedom" and "being human" and "vengeance" I'm lead piping her to the point where she loses hand and feet privleges.

>>24941655
I try to remind myself of that when I can. As time goes on and I settle more into myself I've been finding that even among lifelong friends I feel like an outsider. I hung out with a few of them recently, and I felt extremely bored to put it lightly. But I don't think I would've been any less bored with new people, only here there would of course be an expectation to put effort into socializing that my friends don't expect of me and I just don't have that drive in me anymore.

The whole argument of "who's more literate, the far-right or the far-left?" is retarded because the answer is simply that white people are. I don't think cuckservitives reading books about how an infinitude of H1-B's from India is going to save the country and libtards reading about how blacks made everything or whatever really count for anything - true literacy is found in White Extremism of either side.

>>24941253
Just came deep in my girlfriend (with a condom but still) it was incredible

>>24941326
Be as self sufficient as possible. Some things are unfeasible but you can set up your environment so that when the global supply chains fail again you have ways to get food, water and heat.
I live in a remote town under a glacier with multiple rivers, plenty fish, a small old hydro plant I could maintain and simple farms still large enough to serve the area.
My predictions tend to work out, I made most my money from that. The serious crisis will come and is in many ways already here but there are wildcard factors like AI that may change everything.
Either way the world will completely change. The only way to be secure against most outcomes is to be remote and self sufficient.

I love starting the day on lit with a picture of a beautiful dick. Luckily our puritanical Cotton Mathers of a jannie was asleep reading and singing the lord's hymns because the thread stayed up a whole hour.

You have to understand being a gay sub/bottom, I don't just stroke one out like straight men tend to do and go about their day. Instead, I have to sublimate this desire, this beautiful image that is locked inside my head into something more productive even if it's just this ephemeral post.

I recognize that most of you are probably straight and frankly don't want to hear about dicks. But I would tell you that from my perspective all of you have beautiful ones. Now are they as good as the one that was posted here inside a copy of Moby Dick some time ago...maybe not. But don't be deluded by this soul-less zeitgeist into thinking you're somehow inferior.

And to the one anon, the one alpha-male who had the courage to post himself - thank you as you made my day because you see in this impotent, meaningless world the only thing that brings meaning is the beauty in art and each other.

I WILL read 100 pages today

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vro0DSIAiYw

>>24941572
Rejoice in the duality and ephemerality of all things, anonkun; you should be aware of mono no aware to post here.

I'm starting to get so frustrated. More and more sites are making their images incompatible with direct-link uploading to a 4chan post (where you paste the direct link when the file explorer is open when choosing an image for a post), and it's so goddamn annoying. I just had to go through six different websites and images to find one that worked for a post I made about a news story. I know, I know, just save the image or, worst case, screencap it, and often times I do do that, but those other times, the situation isn't important enough to warrant those types of efforts, I don't need or want the image saved on my computer, I simply wish to make the post this one time in this moment!

I'm gonna see The Cure's concert film, Show of a Lost World, tonight :) I've never seen a concert film in theaters.

>>24942152
Nice! Neither have I. Enjoy, and lemme know if it was worthwhile

Would you have gone to bed with me I didn't do your book?

>>24942160
Stop fucking posting this.

>>24942168
s-sorry, it's such a good, melodic line and pops into my head occasionally

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>Oh, you browse /lit/? So you're into serious literature and philosophy? I love that. Which means you listen to classical too, right, anon? a-anon...?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LEc0n4evbw

>>24942178
>You recognise the allusion to Browning's first fine careless rapture in first and careless rapture too right anon? I'm so glad you didn't need that spelled out for you; it's amazing the amount of people who couldn't recognise that and claim to be educated.

>>24942187
>it's another episode of anon gets fooled by a shallow, solitary reference to high art by some pop media
sad

Reminds me of the other day when watching a TV show I noticed the title of the episode was Gerontion, a reference to TS Eliot. It too almost succeeded in fooling me into seeing elevated significance in the work.

>>24942198
>He didn't recognise eternally returning either
Jesus Christ [central religious figure in Christian art, occasionally used as a blasphemous expression of surprise] anon (You) DYER? lurkmoar

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>>24942205
oh no I'm ruined!!! D:

>>24941850
That's pretty much what it's (life) all about :)

"An Eros Most Endearing"
So clear are those eyes,
of a boy so fair!
There cannot be any lies,
concealed behind a face framed by such wondrous hair.

May all else remain devoid of hope
and horribly repulsive,
such beauty shall obstruct the path to the rope!
To admire it is a feeling compulsive.

The light it does emit,
it alone keeps me from the grave.
Why, the deeds I would commit,
to conserve the joy of he for whom I crave!

Yes, a slight tilt of the head,
in confusion, knowing not of his charm -
the sight drives me mad,
of someone so undeserving of any harm.

That skin - the opposite of old!
Free of blemish or coarseness.
It to behold,
is a pleasure, and no less!

A figure so thin,
slender, long lines forming his shape,
from the legs and the chest to the chin
and also the nape!

Travel upwards, and back I am at the hair, the face, and the eyes.
Bundles of silken string constituting a head of hair full,
an arrangement of features that may stop even the grieving's cries,
and playful marbles, next to which all pearls appear dull.

Lips, at their top a striking bow,
inviting leering,
their every movement a seemly show.
Truly, an Eros most endearing!

>>24942143
It just happened again, and this time I couldn't even properly save the image to post because it's a fuckin' .webp file -- the fuck is the point of .webp files!?!? Why not just use .png or .jpg!? AHHHHHH

This time I caved and screenshotted it with the build-in browser snapshot function. Quite handy.

During his walk, a homeless man asked for his boots. He stopped, untied his boots and gave them to the man. He gave him his socks too, and walked home barefooted. People glanced at him on the trail home. He perplexed them... Barefoot in the elevator... He was ready to give everything away to whoever asked for it without a second thought. Take his boots, and all the things it is supposed he possesses. He felt him self beginning to float...

>>24941253
I don't know how to make friends in real life outside of a school environment where everyone is forced to interact with each other. I've asked numerous places on the internet how to and nobody seems to know.
Anyhow. I miss him. He's pretty depressed right now so I'm not sure if he'll want to meet up over my winter break. I wish I could explain to him how much I care for him without immediately scaring him off.
I read some of First Corinthians today and it helped settle some anxieties about not being at a high enough spiritual level. Which is not to say that I don't need to work on myself but I don't really need to be a mystic to help the church, or something like that.

>>24941972
What were your prior successful predictions?

>>24942412
The big ones you recognize seem obvious in hindsight but people didn't think so at the time and some of them I got in detail. Global internet, AI, mass immigration will not work out, globalization will start reversing with spreading tariffs, iphone, social media, housing prices etc.
Any random speculation doesn't count as a prediction, only the stuff I considered inevitable.
I didn't predict Trump or the mishandling of Covid or how deranged the media would get. I did predict Covid itself and if nothing changes there will be worse viruses in the close future with the potential for worse pandemics.
I didn't predict the negative effects of the internet, thought it would educate.
At first the money came from investing time correctly so the skills I learned were in demand later. Invested that money in crypto early but mistimed it. Narratives about the role of crypto I subscribed to didn't become popular until 2017 when I made most of my money. Last year I got sued for what they described as basically insider trading, based on timing a collapse.

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i have the intense longing for new reading material lately since i'm reading
Umberto Eco's The name of the Rose and noticed that i'm almost finished with it.
Notice here : I've seen the movies so often that while reading i have the images (of the characters) in my head, which is very vivid and fun.
Then i thought; is my longing maybe the intention to write things down ?
I can say this; lately when i read alot my mind is full of thoughts...
And btw where else do you guys get your book reviews from ?
What book would you suggest to me after Name of the Rose ?
It doesn't have to be a thriller, about conspiracys or middle ages...
Maybe something about humanity in general while reading a good story in itself.
thx

>>24942531
that book sucks. Eco has no poetic sensibility.

>>24942550
filtered

>>24942555
He writes a story like an engineer.

I miss you.

>>24942550
How would you know via a translation? Do you speak Italiano? Lolz. U dum.

>>24941253
What are some books for narcissists? I think my dad is one because he constantly lies, is constantly under the influence, and endangered me and my sister frequently when we were young. I found out he hit my mother in secret and that's why she left him. He hid it from me for decades because he wanted to look perfect and would always say he'd kill me if I hit a woman. Go figure.
He flips out at the smallest things, constantly deflects, makes shit up on the spot, and pretends he's the nicest person on the planet until someone criticises him, then he's calling everyone a "fucking cunt!" He is a heavy drinker (like doesn't go a week without it) and meth user who seemingly got on ADHD medications to keep his habit. He lies about the smallest things for seemingly no reason other than to save himself from embarrassment. He lies that books are the "patriarchy" and therefore bad, when he forced me to read heaps as a kid and always lent me books after finishing them. He also lied that he never liked Pink Floyd despite going to their concert on LSD, that he never remembered this night when a friend of mine slashed their wrists and almost bled out in my living room, or that he never went for Collingwood football club despite him staying up late to watch their games. When you confront him, he goes into a rage almost, and used to compare himself to the Hulk. He loves getting gay haircuts despite being in his sixties and always loves getting his photos taken. He also used to be a child actor, so maybe that fucked him up. I love him but he is definitely crazy. At his last party at a property he was selling, he stormed out and walked kilometers back to his house. This was after he mocked me for being drunk despite the fact he's always several drinks down. Maybe it's just normal addiction with shame elements and I'm reading too much into it. But I find it weird.

>>24941850
Borderline gay. Get her on the pill or IUD anon

>>24944782
He's unlikely to change, but you can set your expectations and act accordingly instead of waiting for him to read a book on how to be a sane person. Compliment his haircut and don't let him drive you anywhere, you know?

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>>24941253
For me, it's Greek music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Nt4Rb2WlVA

>>24945468
Take out the last two parts and its literally me.

Nobody likes me and I'm going to die alone. Cheers /lit/!

>>24944782
>When you confront him, he goes into a rage
If I hint at something that might be taken as a criticism dad either growls and shuts down or flies into a rage.
Then later he takes on a corny, preachy tone to talk to me about *my* rage issues.
He was an alcoholic when I was younger but I didn't mind, he left me alone. After AA he turned into the most arrogant, delusional dick I ever met.

>>24944810
Gayer than the pederastic poem in this thread?

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current year people seem to have resentiment against healthy masculinity... i'm not the biggest guy nor the most masculine, but masculinity can make my life better
let me share a story about a recent fight i was in. the police tried to pin a physical assault on me because some methed out psychotic person started a fight with me and lost. they later dropped it because the methed out guy would constantly beat his girlfriend and she finally reported DV against him. the weird thing was i don't see myself as hypermasculine, just that i know how to defend myself and respect myself. he came at me, swung a lot, punched me in the lip, and tried to trip me over; so, I neutralised him by putting him in a headlock and putting my weight on him, until he started screaming that I was going to kill him, despite the fact he started it all. The weird thing was I feared he'd edge towards a kitchen (this fight was indoors) and fetch a knife... which i feared rightly because i later found an improvised baton nearby, and it was his... but the odd thing was he wouldn't leave me alone and kept screaming at me he'd get bikies to finish me (a delusion) so I just ignored him until he wouldn't leave me alone, so I just told him he was a faggot who was gay for pay, which hit close to home because he backed off; later, he was skating near me and purposefully getting in my space, but i ignored him because I was with a friend and wanted to avoid them getting involved. my friend is kinda faggy and effeminate and sensitive. i don't glorify in violence, just think you should respect yourself to defend yourself. so my anger is controlled and based on the circumstances. masculinity isn't even about "toxic" stuff like proving your status or whatever; it's about survival and self-love

>>24941410
lol

I was reading at the library yesterday, and some lady came in, spent a few minutes picking out books, then spent about an hour arranging the books in various formations across a handful of different tables so she could photograph them with her nice professional camera in distinct arrays of lighting, then she returned the books and left. This is not the first time I've seen this or something similar happen.

It's actually sort of interesting how conscience and guilt are western inventions, and as far as we can observe it, exclusive to westerners. How could have something like Crime and Punishment happen anywhere but in the west when non-europeans think of murder in the same manner they think of a car totaled in a crash?

>>24946187
Kek, I saw some lady take a flash photo during an art house foreign language movie she was too busy texting to read the subs on
Social media really fried these people's brains

Told my girlfriend I was considering applying to the local Amazon warehouse and she threatened to leave me. She said it wasn't my place in society.
I don't agree. I'm no better or worse than anyone who's ever passed through one of those warehouses. A master's degree is not a buffer, a permanent shield against ever having to work with one's hands. I resent that, in fact.

>>24946543
The US Army is always hiring, son!

>>24946546
I'm too old for the army.

>>24946248
You're comparing the dregs from one sphere with the cultivated on the other.
They could do the same. In fact they do.

Obsessing over how to organize my notes. They are all over the place, in notebooks, sheets, txt files. Thought about just making a vimwiki folder and transcribing everything there, but I don't know if it's worth the effort.

>>24941253
Wouldn't it be funny if there was a comedy-drama on HBO about self absorbed people called the "The N Word"?

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I am being emotionally castrated by the medical-industrial complex. My medications have made it so that I am completely incapable of feeling emotions stronger than the faintest whisps of feeling. The only thing that remains is the anxiety which is what they were supposed to cure in the first place. I HATE THE PILLS! I HATE THE PILLS! *continues to take the pills*

>>24946894
I like your picture

>>24946903
Thank you, I like it too.

>>24946595
Doubt. You will never ever see a Muslim indulge in the sort of handwringing over their history that a white liberal does, for example. That sort of guilt is an exclusively Western thing.

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I literally don't know what else to do by masturbate and play video games all day.

>>24946915
check out Literature

>>24946915
There's these things called books and they have storytimes in them!

>>24946919
>>24946925
I already do, but I can't read for more than a hour and a half without just starting to just gloss over words, I also do gym 4-5 days a week.

N

Do you ever wonder how long a phrase in your internal monologue has to be before it becomes a string of words no one else has ever thought before? This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Obviously some string of 100 words making up multiple phrases in my thoughtstream is novel and unique, but what about the next 5 words I think? 10? 20? I'm sure someone could calculate the mathematics behind it, but I'm a total mathlet.

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>>24946894
You had feelings innately? Amazing. What's that like? When I realized normal people have this like... emotional masks that they present to the public and need things like "validation" I was surprised. I honestly thought most people were just dicks by design and everyone took pride in accomplishing things, but turns out they want other people to care. Wacky.

I even liked people in general with the assumption they were fully understood recursive dickitry generators.

>>24946925
This isn't a solution.

>>24946915
I'm in a similar boat but I'm understanding more about how to get out of it, the only problem is that it makes me deeply uncomfortable every step of the way.

Family means so little to me that I actually want to fuck some of my cousins. This is what lack of sex does to a man.

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Bridging that gap between Individualism and Consumerism

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dFa829W1Rk

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>>24947018
Lack of good sexual outlets do lead to some weird fetishes.
Just put them on a leash and don't act on them and they'll be alright

>>24947018
the two sentences in your post undermine each other's impact. being so sexually frustrated that you want to have sex with your cousin would be more remarkable if you instead valued family highly, and having so little regard for family that your cousin becomes an object of lust would be more remarkable if you could easily find sexual satisfaction elsewhere. please revise and repost. thank you.

>>24947104
Worse movie in the history of cinema

>>24947126
His post makes perfect sense. Yours made so little I reread it twice and I still don't know what you're complaining about.

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I was reading at the library earlier, just to kill time until it stopped raining. A girl was walking by, but then stopped right in front of me, and knelt down and sort of leaned forward in front of me in a conspicuous way, to see what I was reading, I guess.
I looked up from the book, we made eye contact, she smiled, I smiled. And then she walked away

The way she did it (not very subtle) made me think she was trying to get my attention and strike up conversation, so I was confused when she just walked on by.

I was reading pic related btw, maybe that is what dissuaded her?

Oh well

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>>24947131
The Odyssey of the babyboomer. It means something, but it isn't good.
Reminds me of that big nothing-burger Withnail and I. Bad, but it's stuck in my head. It's aimless boredom now seems a spiritual sequel to Easy Rider.

>>24947143
She wanted to interview you but decided to keep it brief with just a knowing smile.

>>24947143
Naw. Just two awkward people. Probably just browsing and thinking, "well this book is being read"

>>24947150
what are you saying ;_;

>>24947143
She probably knew the name and wanted attention. Why didn't you say hi, are you retarded?

"Hi, are you a fan?" Then point at the book. She would have giggled, moved her hair and explained whatever she was doing. And from there? Ask if she wants a coffee and to chat about books, then if that goes well, buy her three drinks at a bar, take her home, put true crime on tv, and do the grim fandango. Or at least sloppily make out and order midnight pizza.

>>24947135
>Family means so little to me that I actually want to fuck some of my cousins.
here he is presenting his lust for his cousins as evidence of his disregard for family.

>This is what lack of sex does to a man.
here he is presenting his lust for his cousins as evidence of his sexual frustration.

his lust for his cousins would be stronger evidence for his disregard for family if it couldn't also be explained in part by his sexual frustration, and it would be stronger evidence for his sexual frustration if it wasn't easily compatible with his disregard for family.

if you thought a man valued family extremely highly, and then learnt that, nevertheless, he wants to fuck his cousin, you'd think, 'wow, this guy really needs to get laid, since he's willing to betray his values like that.' if you then found out that he in fact didn't have those values, then his need to get laid no longer needs to be so high to explain the same behavior.

i hope this clarifies my complaint.

>>24947143
Always assume she is never interested in you romantically, it'll save a lot of pain later.

Hmmm today I will listen to Ulver

Hmmm today I will listen to Nine Inch Nails

Hmmm today I will listen to Fulci.

>>24947152
yeah, prolly just that

>>24947169
She did not really leave a pause for me to come in, I didn't think; she was already halfway turning to walk as we smiled at each other. It was an odd exchange by my estimation. But I'm not the most socially competent person, so maybe there was a beat somewhere that I missed. I'm not retarded, though.

>>24947206
Sound pretty retarded. Just be blunt. There doesn't need to be a pause, and if she's confused or awkward after you ask, shrug and tell her not to worry about it.

>>24947212
Welp, maybe I am retarded, then.
I'm not very smooth with women so it probably wouldn't have gone down the way you describe anyway. But still a shame if there was an opportunity there that I missed. She was cute, too.

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Some years ago, he committed a fairly terrible crime, returned to himself, and was overcome by guilt and horror. He has lost his self-confidence and believes his actions are by default harmful to others. He views himself as a burden on those he knows and will act in order to reduce this perceived burden, by refusing help when needed, reducing or breaking relationships with others, or trying to be as useful and helpful to others as he can, even to the extent of personal injury. His self-image and the way he acts in relation to it extends to his religious beliefs, and he sees himself as inevitably destined for divine punishment; he cannot bring himself to see himself as deserving of forgiveness or atonement of any kind, even the "free gift" of Christian grace. He believes he absolutely deserves Hell, and acts in a way to "guarantee" his future judgement, committing sinful acts which he believes will place him beyond God's forgiveness. He feels rather strongly called to conversion, perhaps to Catholicism or the Orthodox Church, and deliberately does not act, as he does not feel that he deserves a shred of divine mercy. It is an act of supreme willpower for him to so much as enter a church, much less attend a single service.
As a result of his beliefs about himself, he seeks means of escaping his self-hood and the experience of autonomy. He has great interest in dreams, altered states of consciousness, out-of-body experiences, demonic possession, and - sexually - submission and use by others. He sees his own free will as a curse and believes that his choices are always the wrong ones, that they always bring harm to those he loves and those around him, and so wishes to be rid of it. He dreams of allowing a hypothetical better man to take his place in life, controlling his body and mind, making use of the gifts he has been born with and which he sees as undeserved. He claimed to become a homosexual "bottom" rather late in life for such things, likely as homosexuality combined his penchant for sinful acts with his desire to submit to the will of another and be controlled or used.
He will not commit suicide, though he has considered it strongly and frequently for many years. It is his belief that suicide would represent an escape from supernatural justice, that he deserves to suffer in this life to the greatest extent possible before his eternal suffering in the next. In some idle moments, he dreams of sacrificing his life for others, so that - finally - he might be useful, non-burdensome, and valuable to another, that he might use his ability to choose for something good for one time in his life. These fantasies often involve great pain as well - rescuing others from burning buildings or vehicles, only to pass away from his own wounds, diving on a grenade in a war.

>>24947251
This is kind of great, and I can't speak for the Orthodox, but you should look into penance, and why he's avoiding it in at least the Catholic Church. Making up for your transgressions is part of confessing, which is necessary before absolution. You're absolved, but you're also supposed to be resolved to never do the same act again. If you're originating this in some old terrible fault, there's a self punishment without making amends theme running through this you're not mentioning. Penance is supposed to restore your relationship with grace so you follow it, and it's not some kind of punishment, but the kind of second chance he's assiduously avoiding. It's kind of like how you can't use corporal self punishment in Catholicism like self flagellation for your sin, because that would be destroying God's creation, but you can totally use it to remind yourself daily of God's love for us that He would give His only Son and the suffering Jesus bore for our sins. Similarly everyone should fast during Lent, but anorexics or other sick people are banned from fasting during it because that's self harm, and they should do things that make the world a better place instead of doing that while fasting. Your MC isn't making the world a better place or making reparation for this crime or sin, and that kind of turning from Grace where you believe God couldn't save you is a pretty big sin from a Catholic perspective, where you could be a pretty criminal deadbeat and still want Grace and Mercy and see them as in God's gift.

>>24947183
Point 1. Yes.
Point 2. No. It is not a lack of sex with his relatives that is frustrating, it is lack of sex in general.

>>24947251
You aren’t a bad person.

>>24947251
Post theme
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7vt867n1As

Fell asleep at my desk the other night and accidentally trapped my pinky between myself and the edge of the desk, woke up about an hour later to stinging pain in my pinky, the pain went away pretty quickly, but the side of my pinky is still numb two days later. Not my whole pinky, just the side that was pressed against the desk.

>weather report says it's snowing right now
>look out the window
>no snow