people keep telling me my poems make no sense but i think most are pretty easy to understand, ill put some bellow so you guys can tell me if i tweaking or not.For Sparrow:Sparrow and OwlFly in circlesSo close,But they never meetSparrow and OwlMeant for loveBrown eyes,Looking for each otherSparrow and OwlSame heartFlutter together,But never in sync“I can carry you in my arms, but yet I can never hold you”Owl hoos…Sparrow smiles,Her silent,“I know.”Sparrow and OwlFlying in circles“Where?”:A grizzly bear man asks“North.”Trees flyThe pit deepensWorry shroudsBut hope blistersReady to burst,A silent whisper“Jackson, Jackson, Jackson”
>>25272585Ya niga dis shi suks go fight in da militar and die fo Ukraine instead
>>25272585i made a little mistake lol, the first one ends at the line "flying in circles" and then the title of the second one is "where?"
>>25272588god damn brother, maybe you need to go back in your literature journey, i recommend phonics books for you bro or like Grammarly at least. this is almost illegible. (if your to stupid to understand, you cant spell faggot)
Passable automatic writing and/or translation from some Eastern moon rune language. Put it into a translator for an Asian language, than back translate it again for ideas.
>>25272585It's perfectly articulate. The problem is that it's horribly written. Total amateur hour. So many superfluous words and cliched phrases. An almost complete ignorance of rhythm and the structure of verse. And the sentences never getting beyond the line, an unnecessary affection that only serves to highlight the cliched phraseology like a bad haiku. If you want to write good free verse study Eliot and Moore a great deal, or rather, which would be better for you, write in traditional metres for a long time as the necessary restraint against which to train and test your abilities. If you have failed to identify the right form for the subject matter and language in your head, then imposing a conventional form will lead you to finding the right subject matter and language. Stop using so many poetic gestures, instead use simple English such as wouldn't be out of place in a novel, like Robert Frost. You can only break with conventional grammar and metre when you know how to use them. Obscurity and licence are the enemies of a poet in training. Only with clarity and restraint will your poetry improve.
>>25272630>affectionaffectation*
>>25272630>>25272634>anon excoriates someone else's poem>doesn't even have a basic command of the English languageevery time
>>25272642
>>25272585>>>25272644Posted it on wrong thread kek. Made this while I've been drinking. What you all think? Its beyond fucked up but I had to write it.
>>25272643If you're going to arrogantly play the role of Harold Bloom whilst attempting to crush a budding young artist's confidence, the least you can do is ensure your criticism is free of typos.
>>25272649You're not a budding young artist if you don't even have the lowest standard of quality. Op is trash and that's that. You can't just create art out of a whim, it has to have ART to be art. But I gave him instructive criticism and I'm sure in a couple of years he'll be writing poetry of tolerable quality. Embarrassing that the only name you can think to represent literary expertise is the most commercialised and least talented literary critic in the entire business.
>>25272655>>25272649>>25272648Rate my art retards.
>>25272585>A grizzly bear manIS HE A RELATIVE OF THE MAN BEAR PIG?
>>25272658Like reading a comic book. One wonders why you felt the need to call it poetry. It would serve just as well as a paragraph of prose.
>>25272663So how do I improve it?
>>25272666Go ask a prose specialist if you want to learn how to write better prose. If you want to learn how to actually write poetry then just pick a poet you really love, study every facet of their poetry and imitate it. I reckon you'd like the dramatic monologues of Browning if you're not already familiar with them:https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46313/porphyrias-lover
>>25272679Guess your write I should just start writing and stop running from it.
