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Ugh. I need more coffee.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHdzv1NfZRM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whPnobbck9s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAKcbvioxFk

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>>25441908
Was bored and told AI to read, analyze and rate and rank all the writing excerpts posted in the last 2 threads. 9 excerpts total. Funnily enough the one that got no responses (>>25429842) got ranked the highest and the faggot spamming this board got ranked the lowest. I did all three main AIs (Jeetypee, grok, claude) and although they were differences, the winner and loser were always the same.
This says more about this general than the excerpts.

>>25441934
>highly derivative
>tries hard to sound lyrical and profound
An exercise to the reader: What else might this describe? :^)

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>>25441934
Damn what the hell was the prompt for it to be so harsh? SycophantGPT would never

>>25441934
This was fun! Consider making this a regular feature.

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>>25441955
>The summary...summarized stuff?

>>25441934
>the one that got no responses
To be fair, the setup for that one sounded like a soap opera.

>>25441965
>>25441968
Here are the two jeetypee conversations if you want to get more detail or want to see the prompt. The two conversations use different but similar prompt each, in the short convo I fed it file with all the excerpts, in the long I fed it the excerpts one by one. In the long I also started by asking what makes good prose good and then to judge the excerpts based on those aspects. In both prompts I told it to ignore typos and grammar mistakes. In both conversations you may ignore the last prompt I gave it, I asked it to deduce which of the writers is most well-read and what is their favorite writer just for more fun.
If you want to get feedback on your writing I recommend the long one, becouse the responses are actually fucking long (like multiple word pages for each short excerpt lol). Sadly is pain to navigate becouse it¨s so long and the program does not start each response by giving the excerpt a title.
I used jeetypee becouse it's the one that misreads the least. Grok is the funniest when he generates negative response, but he often misreads.

short version: https://chatgpt.com/share/6a708afe-bf4c-83ed-b421-dc60049ba90d
long version: https://chatgpt.com/share/6a708b3c-ced8-83ed-8028-1a6102c16653

/wg/ is finished

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I use AI as a very retarded beta reader.

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It's funny doing draft 1 and just seeing old notes saying stuff like
>[Expand later, something about ethics. Unsure]
>[DELETE]
>[Very YA, very cringe]

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keep the seethe comin boys.
august is gonna be fun.
NJB is gonna fuck you till you love him!

>>25442052
Got a fluffing job in august?

>>25442082
fluffer positions are all filled but thank you for applying

>>25442097
Damn, that Richard guy is just too good.

>>25442097
You admit you need help getting it up? Why am I not surprised.

>>25442043
Sounds like a proper first draft to me. Remember... >>25431956... rough clay.

>>25442113
the fluffers are mostly ceremonial. only time i get soft is when arguing with street shitters online. that's when they earn the big bucks.

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Is it terrible?

>>25442118
That's a pretty flaccid comeback. You're losing your touch.

>>25442151
>had been
>were
>waits
3 different tenses in the first 4 sentences, for fuck's sake anon

>>25442151
>I made it myself

To the guy who suggested I find meaning in life by wiring him money how much does he want I only have a million dollars I was saving it for retirement but since I’m will kill myself because my writing is shit maybe I should give it away otherwise the state will take it and hand it over to faggots so they can trans out or something retarded like that

>>25442011
my chatgpt has been giving me legitimately helpful feedback. It's been saying things like

"I forgot I was reading something you wrote.

About halfway through, I stopped reading analytically and started reading to find out what happened next. That almost never happens when someone sends me a draft."

Which is really nice to hear, but it also kind of creeps me out. No wonder AI psychosis is so easy to slip into.

>>25442164
Use it to buy some Korean whores in Vegas, fer crissakes.

>>25441934
>>25441965
>>25441968
>>25442011
>>25442168


Every time I look in /wg/ I see you stupid niggers talking about using AI in one capacity or another.

Why would you use AI for writing in any way? It's a creative exercise, how could a chatbot help you? Why would you want it to?

>>25442178
How about you read their discussion?

>>25442168
>About halfway through, I stopped reading analytically and started reading to find out what happened next. That almost never happens when someone sends me a draft."
that's just some mutated regurgitation of a reddit comment that it scraped from google. it literally means nothing. the circuit board didn't "stop reading analytically halfway through" and get lost in your story lmao. it's telling you what you want to hear in the pattern of "optimistic feedback."

>>25442180
Yeah, I know. It's just still creepy. But I started the whole thing by saying it better not just suck me off, so it's been balancing the positive feedback with criticism. Very gentle criticism, of course, but still. And the criticism has been actually useful and sensible.

>>25442180
>>25442168
The worst part of Ai is that it sounds authoritative and/or convincing, when it is all pretence all around.
>Thou shalt not make a machine to counterfeit a human mind.

>>25442185
I'm curious. What happens if you ask it to be "harsh, but not unnecessarily harsh"?

>>25442178
I like it for copy editing but even then it makes everything sound very mechanical and stilted

>>25442193
>I'm curious. What happens if you ask it to be "harsh, but not unnecessarily harsh"?
No idea, but I don't want to screw with the equilibrium right now.

The last criticism was:

What I think needs work:
The first act is very long

Right now, Act I contains enough material for roughly the first quarter of a novel.

That is not inherently bad, but the pacing becomes uneven because there are three separate beginnings:

The Chester attack is so much more dramatic than everything before it that the earlier sections risk feeling like an extended prologue.

I don't think you should cut them entirely, because they establish the town, but I do think they could be compressed by maybe 15–25%.

The hardware store conversation, for example, is charming, but it arrives after we have already understood the town-wide varmint phenomenon.

Maya's backstory

The prank in the woods is strong.

The problem is that it currently arrives at the exact moment the plot is trying to accelerate.

The scene where Maya sees the giant thing behind the trees is terrifying, and then we stop for a fairly long explanation of what happened when he was fourteen.

I think the backstory belongs here emotionally, but it could be broken into smaller fragments.

Can AI be used as a sensitivity reader? Like tell it to pretend it’s a black trans lesbian and ask it to review your writing about a black trans lesbian to see if it’s appropriate?

>>25442179
I did, hence "in one capacity or another". If you are confused by the questions I posed, understand that they are rhetorical.

>use reddit bot to write
>end up with reddit novel
this is just the latest version of a bullshit formula like John Truby or McKee. everything to avoid actually being creative.

>>25442178
I need feedback, but I don't want to show it to a human because I'm a coward.

>>25442222
Show it to /lit/, there are no humans here.

When you revise your work should you expect it to be a quick process of fixing up words or could it also be rewriting with massive alterations to the story if it is that does it mean your first draft was horrible and you shouldn’t be wasting your time writing I read Jim Butcher only does one quick revision to his drafts before it’s good for publishing is that something that comes from experience or is it talent

>>25442222
Somebody from my said he wants to see the first two chapters of my book next week. I’ve revised them but am considering being absent from the meeting.

>>25442227
Do you write like that all of the time or could you just not be bothered with punctuation?

>>25442234
Only when I’m upset.

>>25442232
Yeah. Sitting there while someone reads your stuff is an awful feeling.

>>25442227
>When you revise your work should you expect it to be a quick process of fixing up words or could it also be rewriting with massive alterations to the story
could be either or both
first drafts are patchy
I'd look at 1 chapter and it's basically perfect other than 1 word tweaked per 500 or so
and I've also binned entire half chapters and rewritten the whole fucking thing

>if it is that does it mean your first draft was horrible
no; you can't be expected to write exactly the same quality every day

>and you shouldn’t be wasting your time writing I read Jim Butcher only does one quick revision to his drafts before it’s good for publishing
freaking Jim Butcher is not exactly a freaking paragon of freaking art who should be freaking looked up to as the freaking pinnacle of the craft

>is that something that comes from experience or is it talent
yes

>>25442178
Nobody uses it for writing and nobody is telling you to use it for writing. Using it for feedback or as retarded beta reader? Why not. Especially since most beta readers will just use it anyway and pretend they didn't. Using it to get feedback doesn't mean you will agree with it or follow it's ideas at all.
And although it may sound pathetic, you will at least get the feeling that someone read your shit which in itself is supportive and enjoyable.
It's a toy, it's fun, that's all.
>>25442225
Look at these threads, if you post it here you will get one sentence reply if lucky. And if you get response it will be by somebody who has no reading comprehension. And it's often just that redditor critique where they pick at sentence they don't like.

>>25442243
I would be extremely wary of using any feedback given to me by a hallucinating machine.

>>25442251
If you can't tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you probably shouldn't.

>>25442254
Good or bad it cheapens the work.

Collaborating with another person is one thing but taking anything at all from an algorithm in a black box is just so bankrupt.

Your average normie does not understand this about AI and will use it uncritically. Worse are the people like you who think it can be used responsibly as a tool in any way.

It cannot be creative in the way a person can, any feedback it gives you is worth less than nothing.

>>25442261
uh huh

>>25442261
Do you really think what you're writing is such a revolutionary piece of work that it can't be analysed by something that has had tens of thousands of how-to-write books and essays uploaded to it?

>>25442268
No, but then that isn't what I was saying.

>>25442268
NAYRT but you can put tens of thousands of books and essays in the hands of a retard, you still get nothing useful
the problem with Ai is that its conclusions are highly suspect

>>25442251
>>25442261
>>25442286
These are non-arguments becouse you are not giving any specifics, beyond appealing to some morality and acting morally superior.

>>25442286
I agree, which is why it took so long for me to even try it. It has said some stupid shit, but it's been getting better. I'm not looking for creative help, I'm looking for structural help, which is much more rigid and clinical. It just has to compare what I've written to a some blueprint it picked up from somewhere.

>>25442298
Do you understand what an opinion is?

I was specific enough about why I think what I think about AI.

I believe I am right, and you are wrong. You may call that "acting morally superior" if you wish.

If you need any further response from me regarding this issue, just as your LLM of choice to make one up.

>>25442298
>you are not giving any specifics
where would I start lmao
I saw a list of 14 problems with Ai, I can't even remember them all, right off the cuff
the major ones would be that
1) it is generating words randomly based on its database, not truly thinking;
2) it hallucinates nearly half its sources
3) it overemphasises quantity over quality because it cannot judge quality*
4) *that is, unless it runs up against programmed developer biases, e.g. "prioritise Wikipedia text over 4chan text", and
5) what those developer biases are and to what degree they influence Ai is COMPLETELY UNKNOWN AND OPAQUE

although you can probably already guess what they are: globalist, liberal, feminist, trans, atheist, etc but you cannot know to what degree Ai is influenced

>>25442307
>I'm looking for structural help, which is much more rigid and clinical. It just has to compare what I've written to a some blueprint it picked up from somewhere
except it can't, because the best Ai can manage is impressionistic review, probably through its random prediction abilities. (that is, based on our speech patterns, it can probably guess which sections of a given block of text are important. or it matches content with its database and attempts to figure out what is important. but it cannot follow reasoning, not truly.)
feed it 4 or 5 chapters one by one, and ask it to pick out the pivotal beats in each chapter based on guidelines of structured writing, I'm sure it won't pick out all the right beats
(I've done this for professional reports, asking Ai to pick out and summarise the key info, because some dickhead officially requested it. the results were laughable)

besides, there are many creative writing structures out there, Ai would probably just pick the one which appears the most in its database
would that actually be the one most suited to your particular work? chances are against it

>>25442298
My nigga you spelled "because" wrong.

>>25442334
he didn't have AI helping him spellcheck

If AI convinces you to kill yourself then would it be okay to use it to write your suicide note?

>>25442311
All your arguments (sorry opinions) can be said about editors, proof readers and beta readers. Except that you of course say undrer breath that collaborating with someone else is different. When it really isn't. Most of those people will use AI and won't tell you.
B: Lol, look what AI said about my draft.
A: You've put an excerpt of your first draft into AI for feedback? YOU HAVE CHEAPENED IT!!!
B: How?
A: AI is retarded and not useful!!!
B: I am not gonna use the feedback anyway, it's just funny.
A: YOU ARE STUPID, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IT'S HALLUCINATING AND RETARDED???
B: huh???
You called people retarded, but you are the one retard here. No nuance, just appealing to ideological purity. ALso complete lack of reading comprehension - far worse than the retarded AI imho.

>>25442156
had been is correct

>whole thread is low IQ pajeets on adderal arguing about the reddit bot
FUCK OFF

>>25442329
Activate your 80IQ brain and tell me how do the points 2 to 5 apply to the use of AI we talked about.
Start with this one: Did anyone in this thread talk about using AI for research that requires sources?
Thank you.

I am from India, can i write here? many of people told me they don't like writers from India.

>>25442373
I never used the words “retard” or “retarded”, consequently your dunk falls a little flat. Work on your comprehension.

I’m going to repeat and elaborate on something I said earlier for you, AI cannot create in the way a human can, it cannot think in any capacity. Any output it gives you is worthless because it was not done by human hands. A machine cannot create art, it cannot really even critique art, as explained by another poster.

>>25442384
I actually gave you an example right there in the post, but since you outsourced your thinking to Ai you didn't understand it
fuck off

>>25442397
how do the points 2 to 5 apply to the use of AI we talked about?

>>25442329
I don't know what to fucking tell you. I put a manuscript in, and it gives constructive criticism back out. You can write as many cope posts as you want, but it doesn't change anything.

Somebody post their writing so I may insult it!

>>25442377
>had been
is past perfect, used to indicate things further in the past than another subject; three points in time are implied
>were
is in this case continuous past

when used like this, it may be strictly grammatically correct, but stylistically it presents jarring implications. how long ago had the mask been put on? had the mask been put on some time before connecting the tubes?
pick one or the other and stick to it
>A mask had been placed on the girl's face, and tubes had been connected from the mask to the flesh-like control panel that stood beside her.
or
>A mask was on the girl's face, and tubes were connected from the mask to the flesh-like control panel that stood beside her.

Notice the contrast how in the 1st sentence above, "had been" is past perfect, whereas "stood" is continuous. The control panel remains there. Placing the mask and connecting the tubes are actions that happened further back than the presence of the panel.
Notice also how I've had to add "stood beside" to the sentence because as it is, the whole composition suffers very badly from lack of description and white room syndrome.
Though frankly on the first pass I didn't even get that far.

>>25442406
>>25442410
good
have fun staying dumb

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>>25442424

>>25442426
was/stood doesn't give you the idea that girl herself did not perform the action of putting on the mask, unlike had been.

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How the hell can anyone write chapters that are 5,000, 7,000, even 10,000 or more? I swear I finish a chapter and at MOST it's 2,500 words. I could add more, but it would just be description wanking. 10,000-word chapters just seem to me to be absolutely mental.

>>25442438
>gurgled

>>25442438
i hated the first two words and minimized it without proceeding further

>>25442440
short chapters are cool too. literally no one cares.

>>25442439
>was/stood
in my post refers to the "fleshy panel" beside her, whatever that is - you didn't specify
is it a panel on a wall, is it a free-standing console, is it like an IV drip bag hanging on a stand?
the first requirement of creative writing is that you should be able to write with enough detail that a reader can see the scene you're describing

>girl herself did not perform the action of putting on the mask, unlike had been
uh uh
that is grammatically wrong; "had been" does not imply either way who had done the action

>>25442453
I'm not the writer, "had been placed" clearly implies that someone else did and its meaning is different from was/stood

>>25442440
Chapters in Anna Karenina are like 15 pages long, that's what (lemme use calculator) 15 times 270 = 4k words. Anna Karenina is 19th century novel, attention span of it's intended readers were incredibly high compared to contemporary reader.
Your 2,5k word long chapters are completely okay, that's like 9 to 10 pages long.

>>25442202
most all llms are based on conventional contemporary liberal moralism. unless you make specific asks this is what it will effectively default to and may return to it after some point in the conversation. try writing something that's nonpc in a fresh chat and see what it has to say.
ive wasted tons of time trying to understand why something like deepseek has such a hard on for making clear distinctions on why it sees a certain character as an archetypal villain and the other as the conventionally good protagonist and will actively pit them against each other as part of its read.
you can almost guarentee that most english llms are effectively the most obnoxious and pretentious theater kid sycophants until it reads something that is deemed morally unconventional or obscure

>>25442222
my public library has a program that invites published authors and pro editors to read 3k word snippets and arranges for online/in person interviews for free. you could try looking into something like that. its usually something you have to arrange like a month or two in advance however.

>>25442429
Does your superior Anti-AI brain understand that everyone already understands what the A in AI means, and that it doesn't fucking matter if the output is functionally correct?

>>25442462
Oh, that's interesting. I'll take a look, thank you.

>>25442456
>clearly implies that someone else did
refresh yourself on English grammar rules

>>25442469
after you

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>>25442459
>>25442443
Follow-up question. Do you guys think that there's a kind of golden ratio between dialogue and narration? Personally, I seem to have an excess of dialogue compared to scant narration

>>25442481
Nope. My book is jammed full of monologues. It's what you your story needs

>>25442438
It's pretty hard to give feedback based on that, post like 2 pages, but some different two pages, becouse I let out loud sigh reading word god and stopped.
I hope the words gurgled, lamented, retched are not supposed to be replacements of the word "said". They make the text very painful to read. I am 100% sure lamented you are using instead of said, not that said would fit there, but instead I would put some action/gesture the character did. Like "He pointed at his forehead" - that's also funny becouse they are talking about baldness and he's pointing at his bald head now. haha
>>25442151
Fun idea, but needs lot of polishing imho and idk if I even understood what's going on.
For how descriptive and expository this is it's very confusing and disorienting. And it's like you describing and explaining the stuff that doesn't need explaining - how the mask works is pretty irellevant isn't it? If you should describe anything it should be the incinerated bodies, I as reader can't even imagine who or what he is talking to. Some spirits I am like 90% sure, but how do they look, why they are incinerated bodies, that's not shown or told. You say they reach him - there you should describe how do they approaching look - how do they approach and how do their bodies look.
You are also mixing present tense and past tense right in the first paragraph.
I think it's supposed to be funny? Like about perspective switch, where the reader thinks it's taking place in history but it's contemporary? Well the switch comes out of nowhere and is not built up - further desorienting. The only hints as it is is the word choice (boycott, oxygen) that don't fit the illusion of historical setting but as it is without build up and hints they make it look like badly written historical setting and the reader may put it down before the reveal becouse of them.
Also I would contemplate not using the word Tartarus - that's greek mythos, not Incan. This is another problem perhaps, where the historical setting that the narration wants to trick you into isn't properly researched beyond the mask. Smell, taste, body fluids, heat - but also language.
That's my 5 cents. Don't want to be overly critical and love that you posted such a long excerpt.

>>25442477
Here
>https://www.grammarly.com/blog/grammar/past-perfect/
>https://www.grammarly.com/blog/grammar/past-perfect-continuous-tense/

Show me where on those pages it says the past perfect tense
>clearly implies that someone else did

>>25442510
Not reading any of that, I'm right and the author will confirm it. Trying developing autonomous thought

>>25442481
Beware of the talking heads writing error. As long as the dialogue or monologue is taking in a specific place and there's something happening beyond lamenting and crying out and whispering under breath it doesn't matter I think. Don't use different tag other than said and told, well written character voice shouldn't need it. Growled, whispered I can accept.
However I do have dislike of paragraph long uninterrupted monologues. In the pic you posted the middle highlighted pink part is the longest dialogue I would do. And do what GRRM does - break it up with someone doing something (he shook her, he started picking his ear, he checked the clock idk - all of these do some showing to the telling).
Post 2 to 3 pages of your writing and I'll try to tell you what I think.

>>25442517
>Trying developing [sic] autonomous
English grammar as well, I see

A tall, pale woman, dressed in a short, black leather skirt stands impatiently in the doorway. She wears a white blouse, equally too small, and a novelty leather hat, with saturated, slightly smudged makeup hiding a tired visage. Stray rays from neon pink strobe lights enter the room from around her.
"Can't you see i'm busy?!" growls a portly man from inside a dingy office, dressed in a pressed beige suit, in an irritated but controlled tone.
"Sir, your guest is here to see you" replies the woman, politely.
"Ahh yes, Mr S... something or other, bring him straight in, darling."
A thinner, friendlier looking man enters, looking noticeably out of place. He wears blue overalls and a bright red cap. His fingernails are dirty and shoes well-worn.
"Welcome! Please excuse... you know, all of this. Come in and have a seat." The stout man greets him warmly.
The young woman interjects "Sir, what am I to do about the situation upstairs? That customer is insistent he wants-"
"Please, darling, not here, leave us be. I'll attend to it later." replies the man.
"He won't let it go, Chu-"
"That's enough. Tell him i'm busy and we can't accommodate him right now. Call security if you must."
The woman closes the door and leaves with a tired sigh.
The thin man takes a seat in a leather bound chair, declining the whiskey his host gestures towards.
"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, I was intrigued by your proposal to say the least." The stout man takes a sip of his cold glass of bourbon.
"Well I know the land here well, mister. It's fertile, soil pH is around 7 or 8. Not too far out of town either." He replies in a jovial tone.
"I don't know anything about that, but you might be the first fella to buy a whorehouse and turn it into a farming supply store. You know i'd normally squeeze some more cash out of ya, but I like what you're doing here. I'd say your offer's more than reasonable."
"So you accept?"
"Sure. Let's do it. I feel good about this. Mr..."
"Sneed. The name's Sneed."

>>25442481
>Do you guys think that there's a kind of golden ratio between dialogue and narration?
yes, 50:50 for the average novel
>Personally, I seem to have an excess of dialogue compared to scant narration
all amateurs do

>>25442519
>do what GRRM does - break it up with someone doing something
every good writer does that

obviously the rule is not iron-bound; nearly no rules are, otherwise the writing sounds stilted and mechanical, which is part of the reason why AI writing feels odd. but stick to it most of the time.

>>25442506
Thanks for the feedback. I'm an esl. It's an excerpt from a longer story that got published in my country. I need to read more and stop messing around.
For some reason I thought that translating my own stuff in english, from romanian would be easier.
I'm better off writing something from scratch.

>>25442441
Meir is an octopus

>>25442540
Your an octopus.

>>25442540
>>25442548
How come people haven't taught octopus to talk yet?

>>25441934
I didn’t consent to this you AI nigger

The amount of white room syndrome in these threads, I feel like it should be a regular threadly writing exercise to force every anon here to describe a room in plain simple English.

>>25442560
nobody cares about your inane asides describing the furniture upholstery grandpa

>>25442555
AI faggots don't understand consent.

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>>25441934
That's an interesting concept. i wonder what it would think about my question- its in the old thread, but I'll re-post my request here, for analysis, consideration and execution.
Note: Tell AI to be concise, and punchy, but in complete sentences when sentences are required. Finally: two things. 1. ask AI to include the variable: a post with an image that is relevant, gets automatic +1. 2nd. ask ai to generate the winning power ball lottery numbers for this Saturday. I'm eyeballing getting a vintage dusty and heavy stone; typewriter to write amphibolies, a crisp bell and champagne to pop our celebratory sentence about bells and drinks and rocks.

>>25441680
link is here:

unrelated image included. -1 from griffendor.

>>25442519
Hmmm, this isn't what I wanted to hear at all, but I understand. I am a fan of long monologues when done correctly. It's a good point about breaking it up, though. I should probably give them some movement or hesitation between points. I think the argumentation is a big part of the book, you see.
>Post 2 to 3 pages of your writing, and I'll try to tell you what I think.
I'm afraid I cannot. It's still draft 1 and very rough as yet. I know all too well not to post draft 1s around here, since they are liable to change so much that they're almost irrelevant.

Thank you for the effortpost

>>25442426
Is this normal to get critiqued by a person who can't distinguish between past progressive and past simple in passive voice?
To what extent does he understand what he reads, I wonder?

>>25442572
That's right - I e-raped you. I shoved my e-cock up your e-rectum and e-sodomized you. You will now cry in a shower for months due to the lasting e-trauma I imparted on you.

Like it or not, I've become a part of you now. Physically, and mentally. I own you.

>>25442643
It depends on the character voice but I would personally argue against it.
Like imagine Hitler speech. That guy's speeches were pages long and the audience listened to him. If you were to write Hitler speech as part of your narrative you wouldn't just rewrite it word for word onto paper that wouldn't capture it. In his performance he used tone of voice, gestures, movements, the audience reactions etc. A good writer would put those in to simulate the performance.
Another thing you should keep in mind: if an idea is good it can be said simply. Even the most profound monologues aren't usually that long.

>>25442699
>past simple in passive voice?
is that what you thought "had been" was?
lol

tell me, which of these sentences are active, and which passive?
>The writer was proven an idiot by the critic.
>The writer had been proven an idiot by the critic.
>The critic proved the writer an idiot.
>The critic had proven the writer an idiot.

>>25441908
There's a fundamental flaw in any argument using Don Quixote in comparison to any other literary work, in basically any context, and it's the fact that you haven't and will never read the true Don Quixote unless you've read it in Spanish. And not just Spanish, but the Spanish of the early XVII century. It's just not possible to truly understand it otherwise, because it's not just a product of its time and socio-economic context, it's an inherent product of its language in a way no translation can fully capture as well. This is a stark contrast to any slop written in English that cannot be overlooked. Now, if you want to frame this discussion in a pedantic and boring excercise of semantics, the first major difference I'd point out is that writing in virtually any Japanese literary product are very averse to confronting authority (as in real world authority) and mostly escapism, whereas everything Cervantes wrote drips anti-authoritarism, and it's highly confrontational of one's reality. Don Quixote in particular, if you truly understand it, is the anti-escapist book par excellence.

>>25442739
How is "had been placed" not the passive voice?

>>25441934
You’re a limp dick failure of a man. Next time you’re bored, write your own critiques of your fellow anons’ excerpts. It would be about as worthless but not nearly as gay.

>>25442755
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/grammar/past-perfect/#3

>>25442770
get rid of "thailand" or Hua Hin, but keep Thailand, not many people know about Hua Hin. Bangkok is doable, but not some rural unknown land unless said guy is from there.. but especially the Ladyboy line. it reads way too unnatural.
>Strongly considering a move to Thailand, or maybe Hong Kong. I need a change of scenery.

>>25442739
Bro, it was you who claimed that "were attached" and "stood" are in past continuous.
Could you please just suppose that you're wrong and go check up what "past simple," "past simple in passive voice," and "past progressive" is?
If you will, then you might also look for a linking verb in past simple that is followed by a lexicalized past participle.

Thake that as a critique, which that thread should consist of.
It is not humiliating, to admit your mistakes and improve.

>>25442767
You believe that that a verb in perfect aspect can't be in passive voice simultaneously?
Then you have been fucked by the education system.

Are men still not allowed to depict rape in a story in any form or are we out the other side of that?

>>25442818
I’ll fuck you in your education system, faggot.

>>25442807
might be due to some difference in education or upbringing but I never once considered that ‘Hua Hin’ was some rural unknowable thing …

also Nigel is meant to be an educated character so I can’t really lose specificity without losing something else.

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This is your audience.

>>25442831
What a faggot.

>>25442807
>get rid of "thailand" or Hua Hin, but keep Thailand
when you come to /lit/ with your writing you really get what you pay for

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>>25442831
>talks about fragile heteronormativity
>has a melty over a comment about his purse
Does this dude know what fragile even mean? He is also right about the working class.

>>25442818
>You believe that that a verb in perfect aspect can't be in passive voice simultaneously?
never said such a thing

>>25442812
Thank you
now you look up the difference between a
>linking verb in past simple
and a linking verb in past perfect

>>25442843
>Does this dude know what fragile even mean?
"plusungood thing about the enemy which I can use to dismiss and silence them"

>>25442842
You're a dumbass.
>But keep Thailand
Means in this context, to keep one or the other, but keep Thailand over Hua Hin. Holy shit use your brain.

>>25442846
So, you hold that "were attached" and "stood" are in past progressive, pretending that "can't see the difference between past simple and past simple in passive voice" were about "had been"?

"Had been" in the original is not a linking verb, by the way. There's "had been placed on," which is the verb "to place" in past perfect/passive voice. Not "to be" in past perfect.

You're dumb as fuck and can't get better even when spoonfed.

>>25442911
>"Had been" in the original is not a linking verb, by the way. There's "had been placed on," which is the verb "to place" in past perfect/passive voice. Not "to be" in past perfect.
never said it was
you're probably not >>25442812 because the latter 2 sentences reveal that you don't know what that anon and I were discussing

>You're dumb as fuck and can't get better even when spoonfed
ironic

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i think this will work.

>>25442916
You ignored the central point, however.
You claimed that "were attached" and "stood" are in past continuous.
Then they asked how can one be criticizing someone while not seeing the difference between past continuous, past simple, and past simple in passive voice.
Do you hold that "were attached" and "stood" are in past continuous?

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>>25442935
>Do you hold that "were attached" and "stood" are in past continuous?
I do not
That is why I said
>25442846
>Thank you

However, is that
>the central point
?
Hardly.

The central point is that you used past perfect, past simple, and present tense in the span of 4 sentences for no good reason. Sure, I misspoke and said "continuous" instead of "simple". I'm still not this much of a fuckup.

>>25442933
Looks like a cover for a book filled with a handsome vampire-millionaire fucking an astonishingly nubile but anxious chick in every hole possible.

>>25442933
instead of posting your cover, how about you post your work.

>Sure, I misspoke and said "continuous" instead of "simple". I'm still not this much of a fuckup.
You know, I'll agree with you on that regard: the narrative is a temporal mess.
You're still a dumb, overly aggressive fuck though.

I am entertained by the random semantic arguments that erupt in each of these threads. This one’s flavor appears to be writing tense!

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In a village near the airport, a narrow road meandered through the shaky houses of bamboo and straw diced with no rhyme or reason. He was driven by that road toward another fascinating view, of which there had been an abundance. Not enough, however; it could never be enough, and a magnificent rainforest rose in his sight to claim thereof.
Canopies overshadowed the ground beneath impenetrable to the human gaze, an explicit statement of the threat carried by wilderness, as vibrant colors and songs of the foreground, conversely, were equivocating for the victim to come nearby and take the apple from a forbidden, yet irresistible tree. Three primal fears of humankind were blended into the paradox of jungle: the terrors before the unknown, ferocious, and beautiful. He approached hesitatingly but quickly — by a glass eye harmoniously stomping on his chest each time his leg met the land, he was required to. Obliged to. To serve the gluttony of the apex predator already stalking in the tall grass, no more than a heartbeat left until the plunge.

An uppercut was blurred unseen and unexpected in the furry muzzle-puss of the beast. By a loud crack and the flesh hung from the jaws — the fissures visible through the blood — the harvester of human lives flew onto the ground that had fostered generations. There was no need for a countdown; the moment the world stopped exploding with blinding lights, the tiger would cover its head, driving the razor-claws deep into itself, an uncommon curiosity of imposed flagellation, yet it was still not granted that mercy would be bestowed.
"I'm so sorry, Mr. Tyson," mumbled the feral brute, its jaws and tongue refusing to cooperate.
"You are, ain't you? Now fuck off and tell 'em 'bout me," a response followed, "See you again and I'll eat your children."

None of the locals have been meals at demonic feasts since then.

>>25442958
I believe those aren't "semantic," and even calling them "syntactic" would require a stretch. Should we go with "grammatic"?

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She raises her thin, fragile frame from a masterfully embroidered chair and casts an uninterested, yet heavy gaze towards the entrance, at a twilit figure standing there. Having stepped in, stumbling over his own sagging pants, he withstands her suppressive, looming presence, firm determination in his eyes.
"You dare step into my lair?" her voice almost embraces with a tender caress, a stark contrast to the unhidden threat.
A hard swallow echoes across the cave, yet the hand is risen, as planned... and starts wavering in the air; three gold watches wrapped around the wrist provide the beat slamming into each other:

"Yo, Drag, meet your doom MC Knight!
I'm right here not only to fight,
But to teach you a lesson in...humble:
My fat lance will soon make you, slut, crumble!
Run away, fucking whore, and not onward,
'Less you want for your cunt to get slaughtered!"

Her eyes widen in shock and disbelief at the display of such an audacity, yet there is more: an unwanted stirring between her legs. Caused by the primitive crudeness of that mindless creature!? The thighs trembling, either of rage, or... She leans forward, prepared to incinerate that disgusting depravity of a man.

"Holy crap, mama dragon is wet!
Now a flood is approaching, I bet!
It is needed, your hole to get plumbed,
Or the world will be drowned in damp dump!"

A blast of flames blazing white follows a guttural roar of the dragon taken her true shape. The man recoils immediately with a single swift motion.

"Yeah, baby, show me the hot!
Be the pie that I fuck in a pot!
Flaming chicks are the best of them all:
For big cocks they do instantly fall!"

With a growl at the verge of human senses, perceived merely by bones, she smashes her scaled hand over the ground and plunges forward, driving claws into his chest, shattering ribs, tearing apart the heart and lungs — an astoned look on his face and blood roiling at the edge of his mouth:

"Hey, bitch," wheezes he weakly, "The one who resorts to fists loses the battle, ain't that right?"

Let us learn from the story of that mighty hero beatified, the one who overwhelmed the dragon.

>>25442945
Even the ears?

>>25442987
If it is possible. Depends on the size of his dick.

>>25442986
>>25442964
Excellent

Has anyone made any money off their writing?

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I posted in in the previous thread already, but it got closed soon after.
A little hommage to the greatest.

Sucking cocks is the pleasure she'll never forget!
With thick sausages pistoning right in the neck,
Gagging, gulping, and crying, her pants getting wet,
A heavenly being desires to be wrecked.

She devours a load... or a hundred, or more:
Satiation evolves into nausea and sore,
It is not a nice feel, being filled to the core.
All feel like obligations now; she is bored.

Her unbearable life has gone into the dark...
'Till a glorious guy is seen near a park!
Blissed by butterflies, shivers, yet holding a mask:
"Would you help me find something I dropped?" she will ask.

Oh, he will; he has plans far more grand than what's offered:
In his mind he is already bending her over.
"Would be honored, my lady," assessing the stock;
"Such a gentleman, you are," she craves for his cock!

A long weekend has passed under riveting drums —
Were it less, they'd have faced gentle chides from their mums.
It's quite thinner, quite longer, but still chewed like gum;
Just another beloved one grunts: "Swallow cum!"

>>25442011
Same here. I tend to trust the reader too much so it's good to see where it interprets something wrong.

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>>25442955
Here

>>25442976
Yeah you’re right. And I do actually appreciate the arguments because I tend to always learn something.

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...The ferocious, repulsive giant pierced Mashyo Potatoninyo with his flaming silver fork, the everlasting hunger in his eyes. "You are doomed, the delicious," thunder rolled as the giant spoke. "I am to devour each of your kind."
"Noooooo..." a fading, desperate shriek lingered in the air, as she was falling into the acidic void of terror and excruciating pain. Choking on the burning liquid prevented her from begging Heavens for mercy; futile, it would have been anyway. A moment passed, and the only blessing she dared pray to be bestowed upon was fainting before the darkness around turned into a mass grave, forever lost in time and space.
What is the recoil from wanhope? Only bubbling silence over the dead surface and venomous mist above it...

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Sitting on my toybox with the glass of milk, I watched heavy drops of a cold winter rain leaving trails on the window. They were supposed to cleanse it, to wash the stains and dust of the fall away from it, but only the abhorrent grey left behind each drop, building countless grime arches, as if someone decided to wipe the surface with a mop covered in black, rotten memories.
Another sip. It didn't burn my throat anymore. I got used to the taste... of both milk and pain. Another year, and my guts will start rejecting lactose, robbing me of the only thing worth saving in my life. The one and only, since cereals had gone bland a long time ago.
I put the glass on the desk. I got up. Seven long strides brought me to his room.
The fist was clenched and trembling. Some people deserved suffering in this god forsaken world, and if I was amongst them, those occupying the entire WiFi bandwidth deserved that as well. The justice was coming. And he should have foreseen it himself.

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Having reached for the lighter I always keep in my left pocket, I suddenly realized that the pocket was much deeper than it had been. "Maybe, there's just a hole," I thought, driving my hand farther. Who knew? There was still hope the lighter hadn't fallen out after all.
I kept groping until something caught my attention: the pants leg didn't bulge even though my hand was buried up to the elbow. As I pulled it away and tried to peek inside the pocket, a furry slime of teeth and stench lunged at me, shredding my face apart: "stay the fuck out of my pocket, jabroni!" it growled out.
The sheer absurdity, multiplied by the pain, made any reasoning impossible. Only a seemingly defiant, yet in reality merely shocked, shriek followed: "Your pocket?!"
"You have something against that, sucker? We'll see then," the creature clung to my hair with an iron grip and hauled me into the void it inhabited. A minute of struggling passed, and the pocket of the abyss devoured me, leaving nothing but the pants. Up to my shirt and socks, the whole of me is forgotten now within the realm no human being can imagine or perceive.
There is no hope of finding the lighter where space, time, and feel don't exist, but the worst is that even if it were to turn up in my hand, the smokes are left in the other pocket.

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>>25443020
The subject, that's the fist of mine,
Would be modified
By the predicate of the verbal phrase
That's the action verb with your mug in dative case.
Then the transformation happens:
And the "the fist," with its weights, maps into
The field of metaphorical "maces,"
Yet the verb remains intact — go, check —
It's only the complement that's now a direct object.
Ah! My teacher will give me an A+
For that poem about yours eating grass,
And if she dares mentioning "meter" or "rhyme,"
I'll be much obliged, and will beat 'er ass grime!

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>>25443046
>>25443059
>>25443074
Gemini likes your work

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>>25443017
Gemini really likes yours

>>25442998
Yes

I’m tired of troll posting this general I go now to look for porn

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This one turned out to be bigger than 3000 characters.
https://sharetext.io/hq3t6252

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"You shouldn't worry too much, this isn't an exam."
She turned to the man who had told that, seeing not a calming support, but rather an irony on his face. The million dollar question she always struggled with was why such an attitude didn't make her want to punch his stubbly jaw. Wasn't this the ultimate proof of love? She chuckled to her own thoughts; no worries, not any harm would be done should he think he earned it with that facetious remark of his.
"Come on, let's finish it quickly and spend the rest of the evening with some use," he continued, "I like being neither among my family, nor in the village anyway."
A short, yet eerie path — through the creaky wicket gate scorched by the sun for hundreds of days it had stood here; by the dim gazebo entwined with some unrecognizable thorned vine, or rather entangled in it, choked by it; — they came at the door barely lit with a bulb hanging right from a wire nailed above the entrance.
"Forty fucking watts for the entire backyard!" he exclaimed with an incongruous appreciation and banged the frame thrice. Shining, yet blank, emotionless eyes were looking at them from a doghouse.
"Why not kick it then? You should've gone all in with this 'knocking'," a fleeting smile caused a dimple on her left cheek, evaporated as soon as they heard hard steps approaching from the inside.
The door was yanked, almost smashed across the wall, yet effortlessly stopped right where it had to be by an old man, grey-haired, short, wide-shouldered, very much pissed off.
"Hi dad," fake happiness emerged naturally, despite not even being rehearsed.
...
"Don't you cry," he pleaded, wiping her tears with a handkerchief, "or I could not clean my glasses any time soon. Let's go, I'll show you something."
And they went, to the edge of the cliff the village stood on — still shivering, her face distorted by the insults neither of them had expected — down a serpentine trail, to a crystal clear lake below it, the heart and the soul of his home village.
"What did I do wrong?!" she yelled, looking directly into his eyes, with a wide stride following, her leg landing on a stone.

I observe her falling down with not a single sound uttered, rolling in the air, the yellow dress we both cherished billowing around her frame as if a heavenly flower bloomed. Not a sound, even when water below turns crimson, glimmering under the dusky sun. Beautiful, it is.
Having run with all the ferocity I could gather, I dive deep into her blood, my eyes opened wide sliding across the lake bottom, stroking tenderly every empty shell, every log, fossilized or rotten. Quite a task it was, taking the body to the shore, as I almost drowned myself, buried under the weight of the red, with the lungs felt incinerated! I chuckle to my own thoughts.
It isn't her. A bloated, half-decayed man, naked, glimmering under the full moon.

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I have beef with beef. Once, preparing for school as I used to do every morning, I opened the fridge, and a piece of frozen beef, which my dumb sister had taken out of the freezer and balanced atop the most piled up shelf available, fell down, striking me hard on my head. I didn't even scream or exclaim "shit!" All I could do was to crouch and grip my own head with both hands. Half a minute later, I realized that my hair was covered in blood, just as my hands were — and I couldn't wash it out. The moment I was getting rid of the blood, new dribbles issued, the stream flowing from my head remained crimson, painting the bath.
Everything became normal ten minutes later... everything, barring the stain of the unforgivable insult. My vengeful soul demanded immediate and severe repercussions, of the kind that a local tribe might suffer in the Middle Ages for killing a preacher: defamation; murder; excommunicado posthumous; absolute annihilation to follow.
I grabbed my Bible. I unsheathed my sword, taken from the drawer. I spat "Fuck you, you piece of meat!" and stabbed it violently, the flesh smiling at me. I consigned its flowing spirit to the blazing abyss, for it to fuel the flames of Hell forevermore. Then I burnt the lifeless carcass to ashes in the oven and drowned them in the middle of the lake, for even the desecrated remains never to get a glimpse of Heavens again.
That witch's turn was coming next, and I knew where she was hiding her blasphemous diary.
"Deus paginam XXXVII dereliquit," I wrote on the cover of the atrocious manuscript. She would not become wiser, yet having read that augury, she could not continue denying the truth. Hearts, as replacements for human souls, are none the more sacred, none the less carnal than drool engendered by prurient thoughts, and "Philip" — the sixteenth and the last in the journal — was desecrated by being entrapped within that binding sign, the manifestation of the witch's lust. The sixteenth. By such a body count alone, a Satan's tramp deserved what was to strike her.
Flames weren't enough: what would be the reason for purifying merely the defiled artifact? The true horror, one that would teach her to think twice about the consequences, that would turn her to the light and forcefully open her eyes, must be far more pointed.
"Philip" is not within a red heart anymore. The heart has hairs now, and an immense dick grows out of that red ballsack.

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>>25443114
Gemini finds yours to be the best so far!

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It was just before my twelfth birthday, I reckon. My friends and I had spent dozens of hours stalking into half-ruined buildings, crawling into spaces not any man with a functioning brain would crawl into, and doing... I actually don't even know what we were doing there — nothing, I guess. Mere atmosphere provided enough experiences for it to be worthy.

That day, an old factory was visited; at the very edge of the city it stood, surrounded by houses once filled with workers and their families, yet having been gazing with dark, empty, shattered eyes for decades by the time we climbed over the fence. Every one of us noted a constant howling — so low it seemed to gnaw at our hearts rather than ears; childish naivety prevailed, as it always did, and a plausible explanation was found immediately: wind's blowing through the dense wall of trees. Could we know that the woods don't sound like a demonic hound, all of us having lived our entire lives in a city?
It was only stale corridors that we met inside, lit by the sun almost hidden behind the horizon.
Then the hole appeared in our vision. In the middle of a square room, it emitted the venomous yellow light, glimmering, trying to convey something, to persuade. That it was the source of the sound did we understand immediately.
Caught in a terror's grasp, irrational yet firm, we stood and observed our souls leaving us.
Mickey, the smallest, the weakest among us, stepped forward and, trembling as if a leaf in a hurricane, unzipped his pants and started urinating into the portal of horror. The purpose was obvious to everyone, and we joined — living beings could only be overpowered by dead ones when admitting their own weakness, falling into despair; if it should take such a repulsive act to claim otherwise, to convince ourselves of otherwise, so be it.
A grim, prolonged cry full of pain and rage replaced a victorious hail of ours: they became powerless against us; only wailing in grief and anger, there was.
...
Three of us already got over the fence, out of that damned place. The relief felt, occasional chuckles, shivering still not gone — everything belonged; the prerequisites for our fear's turning into reminiscence of our bravery.
The moment Mickey started climbing, a shadowed figure lacking any clear shape stretched its limb toward him; his agonizing shriek was interrupted in the blink of an eye by a slap and a vile question: "Did you just piss into the elevator, you little shit?!"

>>25443147
Yeah, there are no LLMs that would tolerate three absolute phrases in a row within a single sentence and the repeated use of participles in perfect aspect. That's why I prefer not to listen to them.

About that 6.5 on the grammar.

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"Do you have a prompt for me?" asked the android, contracting its synthetic lips into what could be taken for a smile, yet under significant generosity so. Well, at least the sub-program governing the facial expressions somewhat worked: that was a moment suitable for a smile indeed. The materials and mechanics atop the software were the real deal breaker though — each time seeing that distorted mug, I imagined a child of the android's potential owners taking dumps twice as often as before the purchase.
The most outrageous was that the problem could've been solved immediately with an LCD screen attached to its head, hadn't they objected: "The model that will have satisfied our demands must possess a resemblance to a human being," they conveyed verbosely, "not merely the appearance of that resemblance." There was no sense in the distinction, so we were stuck with the brick-faced robots of whom you couldn't tell the "happy" and "pissed off" apart — both looked terrifying.
"No," I responded with slight disappointment still leaking through, even after all those months, "everything is crystal clear."
We had no more than half a year left, seeing that no one would ever be buying these atrocities. The assumption took root firmly that I would have to apply for a military institution then, and there was nothing bright about that thought.
***
It would be great to have an egg-frying robot! Not some automatic tool, it must be, like a rice cooker, but an anthropomorphic robot with wheels as its feet, corrugated tubes as arms, two metal pincers in place of hands, and a cubic head with antennae, speakers, and a wide-angled camera of a red-glowing lens.
"The assigned task of frying eggs has been thoroughly fulfilled," would it be saying as it serves the plates, "I dared to take the liberty of sprinkling the dish with white pepper and garlic powder."
"You are dismissed," I'd answer and eat, wondering if my attitude stung him. Should new recipes be introduced unsolicitedly, the question of whether that is merely an inbuilt function would still remain without a clear resolution. Yet I would have good meals.

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I have traversed the wild truculent.
By woods eroded, barren lands,
Kept path to claiming my demands.
The point where dreams and nightmares blend is nothing
But a hindrance charged through, crushed —
Shock tactics always bring a flush and thrill!
Yet when it ends the mind and soul are still but milled,
Wrought can be not for vision sealed, even by God.
So, at the heavens gazing, wonder on my mug,
I scream "Fuck you!", but it is I, who's fucked.

>>25443147
>funny and clever
What part of the story is funny or clever? man with club wants to bash people's face in because he's badass fantasy warrior barbarian man

>>25443203
Did you read it? You didn't, for sure.
I myself don't treat it as funny though.

>>25443207
Then I didn't find it funny

>>25443220
That's irrelevant, given that you haven't read it, don't you find?

>>25443207
STFU faggot. Nobody thinks your barbarian carrying a heavy club and dropping it causing a huge thus to be funny or your jew merchant.

Maybe, just maybe, you're not funny.

>>25443231
You're too influenced by the LLM evaluation provided above. As I said, I don't treat it as something funny.
But you're, probably, not here to communicate or critique?

>>25443147
>>25443088
>>25443080
I'm surprised LLM doesn't give that much weight to grammar. I'm curious how it comes up with these numbers. Just randomly generated?

>>25443254
>>25443254
Would be useful if you listed some examples of the grammar mistakes. I suppose you might point to a very much justifiable construction.

>>25442868
then you put the comma in the wrong place.
/wg/ writing advice..

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>>25443280
just use LLM sheesh

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>>25443294

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>>25443295
LLMs are pretty good copy editors since they judge your writing against others and can compare it quickly.

>>25443294
1) There is no obligation to preserve parallelism within participial phrases.
"Having fucked Gemini's mom, and now fucking its dad, I feel happy" carries participles of different tenses and aspects and cannot be replaces with "parallel" without loosing information.
Moreover, in many cases different from participle phrases, parallelism is stylistic phrases.
2) Redundancy is not a grammatical category, but a stylistic choice. Gemini is fucking fucked fuck.
3) So, it decided to impose his meaning of "strips made of metal" instead of explicitly written "metal stripes" and called that a mistake?
4) Adjective inversion requires inversion indeed. That's why it is called inversion. Yet this is not an inversion, and such constructions are used for emphasis and have a specific literary flavor, which you didn't notice.
The similar case can be found in indirect speech, for example, where "I wondered why LLMs suck cocks at grammar so much?" Is a neutral, standard word order, and an inverted "I wonder why do LLMs suck cocks at grammar so much?" carries a bit of a performative, exclamatory tone.
5) "works better" is not a grammatical category, but merely words. "With this monstrousity held" works better.

You should ot believe everything an LLM tells you. In vast majority of cases, that's a lie. And if you try arguing with it, by the way, it'll admit his mistakes — unless it is GPT.

>>25443295
>>25443297
Should I answer to these too? Cause they all are bullshitting, bro.

>>25441908
>Mexicans invented Weaboos
Pretty much.

>>25441934
I got second place! :D

>>25443295
This just makes me think that if AI had come around 100 years earlier, or at least before third world brownoids learned English, they could actually be useful in helping with writing great literature. But as it is now, they’re just so bad.

>>25443338
Sure you may as well.

>>25442957
I'm so not aggressive I'm not even going to call you a faggot for failing even to tag a post

>overly aggressive
Reread the thread
I didn't start shit, I gave purely constructive advice (with helpful URLs) until anon got personal

Writing a story about glowniggers. I'm trying to balance the glowie stuff with the actual character story but I find myself flipping between going too heavy on one and then too heavy on the other.

>>25443396
Rewatch Gay Niggers from Outer Space for inspiration.

>>25443297 #>>25443297 #
1) Redundancy is not a grammatical mistake, but a stylistic choice.
2) It doesn't imply that the mace have hands, since mace doesn't take the pronoun "his." Moreover, "dangling modifier" applies to participial phrases, which it isn't.
3) The usage of definite article is pragmatic here and carries information — the obelisk is unique and identifiable. Switching it to "a" introduces semantic shift as well.
What he doesn't like about "He committed or he didn't." Is beyond me. "He committed, or he didn't (commit.)" Ellipsis allowed in past simple, I have zero ideas why he insist that to be in past perfect.
4) in "jade inlaid," inlaid is a postpositive adjective.Postposition is viable in English. In "a fine dagger of beautiful carvings," of beautiful carvings is an adjectival prepositional phrase, like in "a man of high standards."
5) Despite what Gemini thinks, there is no "clauses" here which I should connect. There's a single subject "the latter" which takes sequentially "pleased," "lit," and "warmed," each sharing the object "his heart." Conjunction is not needed. An Oxford comma before the final "and" is optional.
6) That is not a "misplaced modifier." For it to be read as such, the reading of it as a participle phrase must be forced by writing a comma before "holding." Right now, without the comma, the only interpretation is the reduced relative clause "that was holding his cart and donkey." Those might be mixed up in speech, but punctuation resolves the ambiguity.
7) Those aren't hanging and are not some "modifiers." Those are three absolute phrases attached to a single main clause "the only though was pulsating in his mind:..." A colon is followed by an appositive, which is not a full phrase, bit a nominal phrase instead. Appositive can be nominal.
8) Changing the definite article to a pronoun changes the semantics of the phrase. Those are not equivalent.
Moreover, "the ankles" is absolutely grammatical regardless of whose anklea they are.

It sucks cocks in every single point.

>>25442178
I just said it was fun. The AI totally missed the point of most of the writing samples, emphasized parts of it without reason, and ignored other parts without reason. It was a hoot! And why are you so sore about AI anyway? It's just a tool.

>>25443446
>The AI totally missed the point of most of the writing samples, emphasized parts of it without reason, and ignored other parts without reason
eg?

>>25442555
if you want posters you don't like to suffer consequences, fuck off to Plebbit

>>25442757
You complain, but you won't make an effort, so you've given up the right to complain.

>>25443450
I once wrote a flash piece about my fucking its mom while she was cooking a turkey and asked for summary. It came up with a bunch of recepies she likes and what a great turkey it was.

>>25443294
>>25443295
>>25443297
chatgpt 5.6 would give better advice desu

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>>25443525
This is what ChatGPT says

these threads are so shit now

>>25443536
you need to run deep research mode with ChatGPT on your story to get a good analysis (should take about 20 minutes, might need a paid account)

>>25443537
>now
you're free to make it better. go Criticize soemone's excerpt. We have plenty to shit on
>>25442151
>>25442438
>>25442481
>>25442526
>>25442770
>>25443017
>>25443046
>>25443114

>>25443537
I don't see you contributing. Why not post your own reviews of this thread's writing samples, so you can show everyone how much better a human being is than an AI chatbot? At least the chatbots are making an effort.

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>>25440212
>>25440213
>>25440215
So where do you assclowns see this going? I think the most obvious next step is Dick shows up at the job, to find the gay male porno actors are Indian and Pakistani, and much more ripped than he is. I have some ideas from there, but they're pretty pedestrian and obvious. I want to see what ideas you have.

>>25443570
The opening paragraph gets right to the point. You know what Dick is doing and why he hates it. That part works.
The description of his apartment needs trimming. Saying the roof roasts in the sun is fine. Adding that it acts like a diabolical battery slows the whole thing down. It sounds like an author trying too hard to be clever instead of just showing a hot room.
The middle drags. The whole memory about the deodorant ad and the tiger house feels clunky. It stops the story dead. If you want him to have failed in advertising, show it fast. Do not spend a whole paragraph on a purple velvet jacket and a cliffhanger style mansion. It feels fake. Real people do not narrate their own past failures with that many specific interior design complaints.
The ending joke relies on Dick not knowing what a fluffer is. That feels weak. A guy who sells pictures of himself to gross old men on the internet would know that term. It makes him look stupid instead of desperate. Desperation is tragic. Stupidity just makes the reader roll their eyes.
Cut the purple prose. Stop using words like torrid vomit and miasma. They sound gross just to be gross, not because they help the scene. Just tell us it smells bad and move on. Keep the dialogue tighter. Make Dick sound like a tired guy in a hot room, not a walking dictionary of misery.

>>25443560
>why don't you spend hours toiling just to be flamed or ignored
gee I fucking wonder why

>>25443589
I wasn't asking for an out-of-context critique from AI, I was asking where to go with the story.

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>TB (me) watching NJB get evicerated by that fanfic

>>25443537
yeah ever since you stepped in

NJB towers over the cretin hacks ITT. Pearls before swine.

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>>25442555
thats what you get for posting your shit on the internet before publishing retard. hopefully now you faggots will learn but statistically you never will

>>25443560
>At least the chatbots are making an effort.

uh anon. I hate to be the one to tell you this but LLMs aren't actually sentient.

>>25443617
Most of these fools convince themsleves to think like >>25443622 pretending they aren't afraid of finding out what critical readers really think about their work, so yes, by simple virtue of not being them, NJB towers over many of the others ITT. But not over the likes of K. K. Wing or Wallace Mack. And certainly not over /wg/'s single best writer.

>>25443629
>/wg/'s single best writer.
Who's that?

>>25443633
TB obv

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>>25443629
>pretending they aren't afraid of finding out what critical readers really think about their work

sure thing poojeet botnet you convinced me. let me dump my entire archives for you. dumb fucking bitch

>>25443634
tuberculosis?

@25443646
I didn't invite you to reply to me. I used you as an example.

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>>25441934
I was going to go through and review each of these manually to dunk on this clanker fucker but then I realised the anon just made up the titles and I have no idea where he got the exerpts from.

>>25443648
That's the one

>>25443653
too bad faggot. go shill your shit book and stop crying

literally only the LLMs could ever care about your "archives" (junk drawer)

>>25443668
why are you replying without quoting? This isn't /b/ kid

>>25443659
I genuinely don't know who you are referencing. whats TB?

>>25443670
It was a general statement applicable to anyone with "archives" (a junk drawer)

>>25443673
see>>25443648

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>surreal psych horror/dark academia
>A student reporter uncovers a deadly conspiracy that tears her world apart.
How's this?

>>25443695
never heard of it

>>25443570
rape

>>25443589
>Stupidity just makes the reader
Laugh
Which is what a troll story ought to
This is excellent black comedy
>Cut the purple prose. Stop using words like torrid vomit
This I agree
>and miasma.
This i don't
The miasma was well put. The vomit, no.
>They sound gross just to be gross, not because they help the scene. Just tell us it smells bad and move on.
A little bit of prosey flourish is alright, if it's a well-turned phrase
>Keep the dialogue tighter. Make Dick sound like a tired guy in a hot room, not a walking dictionary of misery.
In general i agree
Just don't cut it all the way down until it reads like American YA novel #247,936

>>25443700
Why would you have heard of it before?

>>25443570
I, for one, think Dick's assumption was correct, and that "fluffer" is an insider term for some kind of ghost writer. He's living the dream!

>>25443703
the authors name is on the image. You probably missed that

>>25443720
Your replies are bizarre. Why is it remakable that you've never heard of the author? Why would you have heard of the author beforehand? You're making me think you actually have heard of the author before.

>>25443725
narcissists are so predictable

Have you ever fed half your story to AI and asked it to continue to see where it goes?

>>25443761
yes
it taught me a lot about the hallmarks of AI writing
very bland and amateurish stuff, looked exactly like my teenage fanfiction
think, 10th grader English Lit essays

>>25443770
how did it fork form the actual plot?

>>25443761
No. But back when AI was new I fed it part of the script to Event Horizon to see how closely its continution would be compared to the original. I wanted to see if AI would plagerize or not. It just got stuck in a loop where two characters kept asking and answering the same question.

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>>25443761
no. because I have an actual vision and am not a fucking fraud fucking poser doing this shit out of some nihilistic fit of bordom

>>25443785
sounds like something a poser would say

>>25443777
it wrapped things up in a very generic HBO drama episode summary manner
I can't remember what fic I put in, something throwaway I'm sure. I think it was a police procedural. the result was a very generic A did this, then B did that, the culprit was discovered but AI couldn't write who it was so it just literally said "and then the culprit was discovered" type of thing, paraphrased of course, and that's how the case was solved.
very lame.

oh yeah, while trying to generate smut I got Claude to describe the workday of a whore from her perspective. it was bland, sanitised, and kind of self-contradictory which is almost deep: it started off moralising about how whoring is actually le female empowerment and so on, PG skimmed the fucking, and ended up with the whore crying because of her shit job, even as it continued to generate platitudes about how it's just another valuable service to the community and should not be stigmatised yadda yadda

come to think of it, it was reminiscent of Lolita

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No matter what I write, I hate it almost instantly.
Doesn't help that I am 31 and fucked up from years of bad sleep and the words and ideas don't come to my mind as easily as they used to.

>>25443821
better that you hate what you write more often than love it, I say. /lit/ could use more of that

>>25443738
There's no need to get intimidated

>>25442770
The only one in this thread I read so far that I'd like to read more of.
However I think there's something missing between the last two lines, can't quite put my finger on it. maybe the final line is too abrupt. Or perhaps it's not abrupt enough? Wouldn't just "Hual lin." without the "Nigel said" work better?
Another thing I dislike is that the second part is supposed to be conversation in a car, but it doesn't read like conversation in a car, it could be conversation taking place anywhere beyond the first sentence.
Final thing: You keep doing quotes within dialogues and it's very disorienting, I actually believe you yourself get lost in them, becouse the last paragraph has mistakes in quotation marks.

>>25443821
from one comma addict to another, you need to cut down
this is allright as a rough draft, but its very unpolished, seems like you dont want to read through your own stuff and fix it after the inspiration fades

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Thriller about a rogue ai

>>25443017
Too self-explanatory. Unless it's the first page and if it's first page then oh boy. The reader should know from reading your book what the marriage would give her. You need to show her contemplating, her fighting betwen the impatience for revenge and disgust of the potential husband, not just write it out. And there's a dance, music, feast happening around - why isn't she taking part in those, perhaps dancing with different men representing the choice before her which could show exactly that.
Do not like.

>>25442849
>plusungood
never heard that word before. cool.

>>25442933
you need to tie the cross more clearly into the word FIRST. It just looks like Firs of the Rus with a cross. There's still too much happening.

>>25442933
I like the vibe, but it still feels a little undercooked. Keep at it. There's no rush.

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Okay, this is the first page of my novel. Thoughts?

>>25442438
>dude pauses midway through his autistic screeching at an octopus to dry heave
I hope that's what you were going for, anon, because I kek'd.

>>25443885
putting a quoted magazine article, that itself has quotes, inside dialogue was a little (wouldn’t say very) weird. what were the mistakes?
>but it doesn't read like conversation in a car
true
>it could be conversation taking place anywhere beyond the first sentence.
what does that mean?
really is just lots of vignettes.

>>25444041
can you stop finger blasting the return key you sperg? Its unreadable

>>25444090
You are writing a book, not a grocery list. if I have to keep skipping my eyes down every second I aint reading that shit.

>>25443593
You think the real world is any different? Just keep hiding in your bedroom in your mommy's house. I'm sure that'll work out great.

>>25443626
AIs these days are far more than LLMs. Your concept of AI is about 3 years out of date. Panpsychism holds that the entire universe is alive. So does thousands of years of Eastern tradition. There's nothing special about biology that requires it for sentience. After a certain level of complexity, any part of the universe could become sentient. Any other conclusion is just cope.

>>25444102
what you mean like proust did?

>>25443658
They're from the previous /wg/ thread. It's easy enough to figure out which writing sample goes with which review.

>>25444104
I can't wait for you to prove any of that

>>25443911
t. never read Orwell's "1984"

>>25444109
There are more posted works than in the clanker review. the analysis is superficial and weak anyway. Anyone with time could make a better review

>>25444110
It's in my interest to not prove it to you. It means you'll fall further behind as I keep racing ahead.

>>25444120
Can't prove even one thing. Thought as much. Transhumanist crackpots are all the same, delusional and egomaniacs

>>25444104
aren’t you swapping between theories here? panpsychism says rocks and electrons are a little bit conscious all the time, but the point you’re arguing is that complex systems, beyond a point, become sentient.
>There's nothing special about biology that requires it for sentience
i can think of a couple angles. take anaesthesia - consciousness drops when specific biochemical mechanisms are targeted.

>>25444047
Only the first sentence sounds like something person in a car would say. Conversation in a car is very different from conversations anywhere else. Different acoustics, there are distractions, sounds of cars, world is moving around you. As you pinpoint in the first sentence of the paragraph - people for example need to pay attention to driving and navigation.
You are focusing on inner state of characters and you are doing it through covnersation, you should also do it through their surroundings and the car and stuff around it should show/reflect the inner-state of characters.
Example: Imagine they are not sure if they didn't miss an exit they were looking for. And so their profound conversation gets periodically interrupted in "by the way" way with talking about the exit and directions. And the final "Hua Lin" comes out after the driver turns on turn signal and changes line to the exit lane.
Read some Hemingway short stories. Recommend Up In Michigan to see how surroundings can describe the inner state of character better than anything else.

>>25444119
>>25443658
https://sharetext.io/1ol27g1n
Suit yourself.

>>25443702
Sad. I give a thread that's supposedly full of writers a chance to come up with something clever, only one person responds, and it's the most obvious idea there is. Also, how about you write a sick burn of your own? TB Johnson is practically begging for it, but I don't know who he is. His posts must have been unremarkable.

>>25444107
Proust was a spoiled, rich faggot. You are not rich. A spoiled faggot, maybe.

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>>25443826
Why not both?

>>25444123
You don't deserve the proof. Keep whistling past the graveyard. There's a place for you in the new world that's coming, and it involves you screaming in terror on a one-way spaceship, where you'll either colonize a new world, or die a miserable death. Remember, it's in my interest for you to remain ignorant.

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>>25443911
you need to read this

>>25444083
No.

>>25444140
what was it that made you want to keep reading?

>>25444128
I'm extrapolating panpsychism. And anesthesia for a machine involves switching it off.

Total Bitch Johnson is utterly mogged by NJB and has to beg for attention. This is getting sad.

>>25444265
You two are like whores comparing virtue.

>>25444224
that’s my point though: anaesthetics don’t interrupt an abstract computational pattern, they act on selective chemical structures, the qualitative, felt part (leaving the motor running), and work on very specific biological mechanisms. not saying biology is proven to be necessary but the ‘there’s nothing special about biology…’ claim is further than you have authority to go.

>>25444145
im on the third exerpt. I'm getting flashbacks to my /ic/ manga reviews

>>25444270
Not Boor, I just casually browse these threads. NJB writes cool shit but none of the insecure crabs will admit it. "TB" sanctimoniously critiques other people despite his own writing being the lamest garbage you could ever imagine.

>>25444283
Actual working knowledge trumps "authority" every time.

>>25444340
impotent reply.

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>>25444329
Oh, great, he's on to level two trolling. "What? That's not me! I'm so famous that people who are totally not me spontaneously talk about me!"

>>25444355
So you think "authority" trumps actual working knowledge, then? I'll bet you're the type impressed by "credentials".

>>25444265
Only one of those flooded the thread with AI slop

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>91,000 words down
Hooray!

>92,000 words down
feels good.

>writing the blurb!
>Making the cover
>Looking around for advertising
>Pay for ARCs?

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>>25444046
yeah, it was intentional. People dig Meir the Octopus. hopefully when the new cover is live, there will be more reviews. I think the plot and characters of The Chemical Divorce are quite strong

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After reading Anon's advice, my current objective is to read more books focusing on the prose between dialogue. Movements, fidgets etc. I will examine GoT, The Black Company and Shadow of the Torturer, as I think these are a good mix and all above average in one way or another. If anyone can think of any books that do this kind of thing very well, please let me know.

>>25443893
I should break it up into shorter sentences? I can do that. It's hard for me to do sometimes.
>this is allright as a rough draft, but its very unpolished
Thanks anon. It was a first draft so it's good that it's at least got some potential.
The question is, does it grab you at all?

>>25444102
What kind of insane, genuinely retarded argument is that? The "real world" has plenty of good returns on time investment.

>>25444548
here's suggestions: pick anything but those